Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi All...
Guess it's time to post a little of my story, maybe get a little advice and observations on my specific issues.  I will try to keep it abbreviated as much as possible.  And I'd like to say Thanks! for listening now, just in case you don't make it to the end. 

I was born with ambiguous genitals slightly too male to ignore, and know very little else.  My parents were trying to prepare me for what may come and raised me as a girl until I was school age.  At that point it was determined I was "M" registering for school and my folks took another path.  It was 4 separate surgeries and not until I was 11 before I had external testicles.  At that point I guess it was moot as my gender was already well established female.  They are both long gone, but sadly we never spoke about this.  (Great regret) It was off-limits, very shameful and embarrassing to me, and definitely not dinner conversation in the 60's and 70's.   Like it never happened.  Going through school as a boy was difficult but I learned quickly to present male because of the consequences, having suffered repeatedly from abuse at the hands of a gym teacher and some of the jocks.  My transgender experience was always limited to cross-dressing in secret, and I curtailed it once I got married.  Kept everything to myself and thought I could "control" it.  Sadly but mostly due to growing anxiety and panic attacks, I have realized the need to be the person I know I am.  I'm Holly.

I'm 50 this year and married with 2 grown kids; daughter married, son finishing college this year.  Wife is still best friend – very lucky there.   She is aware of my situation now, told her 6 months ago and I have started with a gender therapist.  Both are very supportive.  I don't honestly know how far I am willing to transition at this point in my life.  I am completely female at home, but that is where I have drawn the line in the last few months.   But I am finding that I need more.  That's why I am here.  Looking to start that next step, which will begin I guess by coming out to my kids and extended family.   After that, who knows what's in store?  My GT is helping me sort where I fit. (Never know where to start - CD, Intersex, Transexual...Whats a girl to do?!) I just am tired of trying to be something I'm not.  I like this place, and frankly have never felt more at peace since first opening up.  I am really looking forward to getting to know everyone here.  Thanks for listening, xo
Holly

It's a long road, isn't it? You know we'll be beside you every step of the way. (I should have saved that for the cliche thread) Hugs, Devlyn

Hi Holly, :icon_wave:

Welcome to our little family. Over 9051 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

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Hi, Holly.  Sounds like your intersex condition is partial AIS.  That may very well have left you with an unmasculinized brain.  I have often wondered if I don't have a mild form of AIS.

Not sure what testing can be done for that.

And welcome!

Thanks Janet and Jamie - The PAIS thing has been a point of confusion, but from what I have read, all the testing is considerably expensive.  To tell me what?  What I know already?  I appreciate the shout out.  I'll be talking ot you,
Holly

Hi Holly, your story is spell binding, touching, and apparently still is being written. I wish you much satisfaction as you continue to write it. As you go on, your past will gradually fade, and you'll look back less. Actualizing your real gender will be one of your great accomplishments in life, next to family. I bet you will derive much joy from living as a female. Hugs, Beatrice

Good luck, Holly, hang in there. It can be difficult but the rewards are plenty if you heart is in the right place :) Meghan

Hi Holly,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

It's not an easy road to walk, but the flowers along the way sure smell and look quite different to the normal flora. Good you have a close knit supportive network along side of you. That's worth more than gold. I'm sure you will survive this journey with a uniquely amazing story to tell of its achievements.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Bea - Thanks, just read your story - WOW! you are iuncredible.  You're lights years ahead of me, its just amazing to how life brings us where we are supposed to be.
Meghan - Just laughing to my self - my heart is the ONLY thing in the right place.  Thanks!
Catherine - G'day, no stranger to NSW, went to Uni there a long time ago.  But thats another story...  Just glad to be here!

Just sitting here thinking how lucky I am to have found all of you!  I cant wait in the morning to get online and check in with my girls! 
xoxo -Holly

Hi and welcome from another of the Aussie sheilas. 

It's great to hear your wife is still close. Partners who can stand by us are priceless.  Nothing happens in a rush, so you will have plenty of time to smell the roses along the way and plan your next step.

Karen.

Thanks Karen -  LOVE the tagline... 
We take a lot of baby steps.  Just had a bump in the road this weekend, (let her read journal, the specifics of "change" finally hit home I guess) Things a little cool here right now.  But we'll talk today, and we'll start walking again.  Hope - it's all any of us CAN do.  xo - Holly

Good to hear. We all have a lot of bad habits, learned over a lifetime to shed, so need to go easy on ourselves.