Susan's Place Transgender Resources

This is inspired by agfrommd's post Why (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,130391.0.html)
Do you have more close friendships with male or females? How do you think this relates to your gender (or not)? Was this always the case for you? Overall, do you find it easier to befriend males or females? Did it change after transition?


PS: Sorry to leave 'being mostly friends with nonbinary folk' out of the mix. If your friends are mostly self-identified (not what you yourself presume them to be) nonbinary, be sure to let me know in the comments.

EDIT: If you're a cis significant other or ally, I'd love to hear from you too! Are you a cis male or female and who are your friends?

I'm mtf.  I tend to be closer to other women as far as friendships go now, while having been closer friends with males before transition. One big thing is that now I do make some guys uncomfortable, while women just seem to have no issues with being around me and talking to me about whatever. I still shy away from getting too close though.

I have a ton if AFAB female friends. They took to calling me "she" right away and have been so supportive in my transition. Sometime too much and I want to talk about other stuff. I used to think that I had more female friends because it was safer but I always have and think it's just that it's more intimate for me. Aside from always having something to talk about touching, holding hands, snuggling all feels fine and natural. I love the closeness. Me having mostly female friends seems almost cliche at this point. I have two guy friends but I only reach out to them if I want to see a movie or go for a walk. I lived as a gay man I had more gay male friends but have never had trans or queer friends. I'd like to meet more.

It was pretty evenly split for a few years, but then I moved across the country and now I have more female friends than male. That is likely (and hopefully) going to change as I get out more. So... both?

I don't have friends, in the most common sense of the term. I only interact socially with people from work, which means almost exclusively females.

I imagine if I was more social and able to maintain friendships, I'd probably have more female friends, as I'm not interested in typical "guy stuff". I don't see that there would be any change pre or post-transition for me.

Quote from: Forum Admin on November 24, 2012, 01:58:28 PM
This is inspired by agfrommd's post Why (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,130391.0.html)
Do you have more close friendships with male or females? How do you think this relates to your gender (or not)? Was this always the case for you? Overall, do you find it easier to befriend males or females? Did it change after transition?

Other:

I'm a non-binary trans AMAB female, so I suppose I fit a couple places on the list at least. And my best friend is male, but he's also my only male friend. The majority of my friends are female and/or non-binary.

I think it relates more to circumstance than gender for me. My best friend dates from age 6, he's more like a brother than friend. I mostly make friends with females because I work/go to school in a profession that is overwhelmingly female-dominated. The non-binary friends I have are mostly accidental to gender. Though one is not.

To be honest, I don't have a lot of friends right now. I didn't keep friends through my transition except the one. And I've recently moved cities. So I'm sort of building at the moment.

I find it easier to make friends at all now. Or rather to make closer contacts with people. I used to create circles of acquaintances really easily, but they never lasted past whatever activity or thing or job had brought us together. I think I am biased in favour of non-binary, female, and/or queer (the more of those three categories the person fits, the more interested I am). Just because I feel some sense of belonging in those worlds. That's a change. I didn't used to feel like I belonged anywhere.

Most of my friends are in the same situation I am.  But even among the cis world, most are female.

Untransitioned mtf. I hung out with girls a lot until the relationship would inevitably turn sour as they saw me as a potential boyfriend whereas I just wanted to be friends. Now I am married and haven't had a friend for 6 years.

I am human, love some humans, and most of my friends are human too.

I am very socially awkward so have always had a hard time not so much in getting friends (people tend to gravitate to me but then the interest wears off for them)...but keeping them is another matter. I do push people away. I hate to hug or be close to anyone (get out my bubble! lol).

I've moved a lot in the past 3 years so that doesn't help either. When I do have friends they're usually cis females and the occasional cis guy. Other than that most of my friends are online. Seems to go better that way.

In the future I do want to make more trans friends because I think I would be far more comfortable around them.

Most of the people that helped me out in my transition were guys. Guys were the ones that gave me confidence to go out when my confidence was at a low and didn't have faith that I passed. My dear ex-boyfriend was the most delightful creature and just another brother to me. Then there are my brothers who are the most accepting guys in the universe. My greatest ally is my male partner in crime business who would do anything for me and was never fazed by my transition. I did have a number of m2f friends, but that didn't last after a few years post transition.

I have more close female friends, and I am male. Its not that I like females more than males, its just that I am afraid of males. I don't know why, but I am never fully comfortable around men, but I can be very comfortable with a female, and often try to get as close as possible to them.

I have very few close friends and it's an even split for the most part so I just chose the first one.  I can work just fine with any gender.  I get my needs met by both whereas females have a tendency to not meet some of the emotional needs I have and males have a tendency to not meet some of the emotional needs I have.

I expect, though, that I'll probably wind up with more female friends when I start to transition (what guy wants to hang out with another guy who wants to go look at drapes or talk about different sewing patterns, except for this one good friend I have?)

[Side note:  the majority of my friends are online though a couple have said they'd be willing to call and/or text, but I'm a chicken and sound female so it's not happening even if they're all aware of my trans status.  In real life, I have one close friend and she's female.]

Quote from: Epoch on November 25, 2012, 05:11:40 PMI am afraid of males. I don't know why, but I am never fully comfortable around men, but I can be very comfortable with a female

I am the SAME way around heterosexual cis males. I just feel as if I don't belong when I am around them. I am a heterosexual man (albeit trans) but I don't really like a lot of what they like. I'd rather be hanging out with the girls watching Twilight and going shopping than standing in a garage or going to a strip joint. Sometimes I wonder if hormones will change this in the next year or so..but then again I hope it doesn't. I like being me and don't want to join in on the stereotypical cis male world.

I've never had very many friends but the gender has tended to be even. I probably always identified with women more easily, but it was just easier to make friends with males and a few of them are okay.

I remember once in elementary school I spent recess playing with the girls just to establish that I could. It was a lot of fun and they were really nice to me. But I also knew that there was something "wrong" about it so I went back to either doing things with boys or doing things alone. The fact is it's just easier to make friends with men when you're seen as a man and if I do something nice for a woman there will always be questions about my "intentions," the assumption that there's an ulterior  motive and that I couldn't just want to do something nice because I like the person. That kind of thing is hard to deal with and I actually am attracted to women, although I have little interest in dating most of them, so it's easy to feel like there's something gross or obtrusive about me. But this is probably a less obtrusive version of what most gay  girls feel like.

Quote from: Simon on November 25, 2012, 05:41:17 PM
I am the SAME way around heterosexual cis males. I just feel as if I don't belong when I am around them. I am a heterosexual man (albeit trans) but I don't really like a lot of what they like. I'd rather be hanging out with the girls watching Twilight and going shopping than standing in a garage or going to a strip joint. Sometimes I wonder if hormones will change this in the next year or so..but then again I hope it doesn't. I like being me and don't want to join in on the stereotypical cis male world.

Hormones aren't going to turn you into some kind of manly man. It's okay to be you.

Quote from: Simon on November 25, 2012, 05:41:17 PM
I am the SAME way around heterosexual cis males. I just feel as if I don't belong when I am around them. I am a heterosexual man (albeit trans) but I don't really like a lot of what they like. I'd rather be hanging out with the girls watching Twilight and going shopping than standing in a garage or going to a strip joint. Sometimes I wonder if hormones will change this in the next year or so..but then again I hope it doesn't. I like being me and don't want to join in on the stereotypical cis male world.

Indeed. I have one good male friend who has helped me out a lot lately, but now he keeps talking about sex, porn, and women with me, and I never have any input for these conversations and I hope he would get the hint, but he never does. I want to tell him off, but I know that his behavior is acceptable among men, but it personally offends me.

The worst is when he comes over and he sits down on the couch, turns on netflix and says "Lets watch Strange Sex!" and I am just like "Ohgodplsno"

Everyone is so awkward. I'm sure if I was a women, women would talk to me about all sorts of inappropriate things as well.

My best friends have been women my entire adult life. When I was in college or my single post college years this was fine. After I married and had kids and took root in the suburbs it got much more complicated. All socialization was same-sex or as couples and there have been a lot of obstacles to making female friends.

Quote from: agfrommd on November 26, 2012, 07:38:31 AM
My best friends have been women my entire adult life. When I was in college or my single post college years this was fine. After I married and had kids and took root in the suburbs it got much more complicated. All socialization was same-sex or as couples and there have been a lot of obstacles to making female friends.

You have to do what you feel is right for you. Transition is not a democratic process where the will of the majority prevails. The experiences outlined by others on this thread are not typical for me. I have no trouble making friends, either male or female, but I prefer female company. Even so this has no bearing on my transition. I am transitioning because I  do not feel right with myself. I was fed up lying awake at midnight in the dark trying to stop thinking how everything felt so wrong and crying myself to sleep.

For me a benefit of transition is acceptance in the female milieu, something that my male body kept me out of, but that is merely a benefit. It is NOT why I am transitioning.

Quote from: bev2 on November 26, 2012, 08:00:42 AM

Quote from: agfrommd on November 26, 2012, 07:38:31 AM
My best friends have been women my entire adult life. When I was in college or my single post college years this was fine. After I married and had kids and took root in the suburbs it got much more complicated. All socialization was same-sex or as couples and there have been a lot of obstacles to making female friends.

You have to do what you feel is right for you. Transition is not a democratic process where the will of the majority prevails. The experiences outlined by others on this thread are not typical for me. I have no trouble making friends, either male or female, but I prefer female company. Even so this has no bearing on my transition. I am transitioning because I  do not feel right with myself. I was fed up lying awake at midnight in the dark trying to stop thinking how everything felt so wrong and crying myself to sleep.

For me a benefit of transition is acceptance in the female milieu, something that my male body kept me out of, but that is merely a benefit. It is NOT why I am transitioning.

Good point.

And there's always the desert island question: if it was just you alone and no one else to see, do you still want to transition and/or make changes to a more female existence?

Quote from: Forum Admin on November 26, 2012, 09:19:37 AMAnd there's always the desert island question: if it was just you alone and no one else to see, do you still want to transition and/or make changes to a more female existence?

Yes, stranded on a desert island I would still see my chest and lower area as a disgusting deformity.

Quote from: girl you look fierce on November 26, 2012, 09:23:21 AM

Quote from: Forum Admin on November 26, 2012, 09:19:37 AM
And there's always the desert island question: if it was just you alone and no one else to see, do you still want to transition and/or make changes to a more female existence?

I don't really like that question because I don't understand why people keep trying to downplay social dysphoria and act like it doesn't matter :(

Well, course the desert island question is simplified and not perfect, but it can get someone to think about whether they'd do this strictly for their own benefit. I transitioned for both social and physical dysphoria. Of course, by social dysphoria, I mean a lot more than just the scope of this thread about friends. It certainly matters to me. I apologize if it came off otherwise.

Quote from: Forum Admin on November 26, 2012, 09:19:37 AM
And there's always the desert island question: if it was just you alone and no one else to see, do you still want to transition and/or make changes to a more female existence?

Yes I would.

Before transition I really had no friends...once I started though, lesbians came out of the woodwork everywhere I went, and several of them are friends now.

Also there are several MTF's who have befriended me.

Still no cis-men (gay or straight) or cis-women...and I'm not feeling the need, either.

Quote from: Forum Admin on November 26, 2012, 09:19:37 AM
And there's always the desert island question: if it was just you alone and no one else to see, do you still want to transition and/or make changes to a more female existence?

I can't really say for sure.  I think I'd need to be placed in such a hypothetical situation before I can give a realistic answer. I think I'd worry more about survival and if there were any leisure time after that I'd have to think about it. It may have to take a backburner, to say the least. I always wondered whether I'd say yes sure, even if I had been born in Afghanistan. I prefer not to think about it, not until I'm thrown in such a situation for real. It's too painful just to create the illusion in my head.

Quote from: Forum Admin on November 26, 2012, 09:19:37 AM
And there's always the desert island question: if it was just you alone and no one else to see, do you still want to transition and/or make changes to a more female existence?

I totally would. My transition is for me, no one else.

I make friends quite easily. For some reason people seem to be drawn to me, and once they get to know me they tend to stick around. I have moved 10 times in the last 11 years, so I was unable to keep friends until now.

I have more female than male friends. Right now, the only male friends I have is one guy that I have known since we were 6, and the guy I have been dating. All my other friends are women.

Quote from: Forum Admin on November 26, 2012, 09:19:37 AM
And there's always the desert island question: if it was just you alone and no one else to see, do you still want to transition and/or make changes to a more female existence?

I'm not sure I know what a "female existance" is without other people around (or a male one at that). I'd just be me. Of course if there were some potent hrt berry growing there that would make my body more feminine, I'd gobble them down. And if a hospital ship sailed by with a decent SRS surgeon...

Quote from: Forum Admin on November 26, 2012, 09:56:15 AM
Well, course the desert island question is simplified and not perfect, but it can get someone to think about whether they'd do this strictly for their own benefit. I transitioned for both social and physical dysphoria. Of course, by social dysphoria, I mean a lot more than just the scope of this thread about friends. It certainly matters to me. I apologize if it came off otherwise.

I didn't transition for both. I'm not sure my social dysphoria is really curable, and in some ways transition has made it worse. Of course I deal with it a lot better now because I feel better about my body and my life. But the society I live in is always going to define me in ways that make me uncomfortable.

So I guess I'm on one extreme. But I know people who have transitioned exclusively due to social dysphoria, without experiencing any physical dysphoria at all. And they seem pretty happy. That makes sense to me. If there can be people who transition only for the physical, then there can be people who transition only for the social. And lots of people who do it for both to various degrees.

As for the desert island question? I think I'd just kill myself. I don't do well without human contact.

As long as we're all answering the desert island uestion I'd probably "let myself go" in terms of appearance but still want to be on HRT and would refer to myself as a woman in my desert island memoirs.

Like many others I was friendless or virtually so for most of my life. I had a few acquaintances and many colleagues but few if any friends.

Now? I have friends than I could ever hope for. Besides my friends here, and there are many as you all know, I have friends in society, at work and just meet people in the shops etc.

I seem to have an attraction for people who want to talk to me and pass the time and it isn't out of curiosity.

I have fallen into very natural female friendships with woman who knew me as a 'male' for years, they have just accepted me.

But I think I'm also very happy and confident and people pick up on it.

I honestly think one of my biggest shocks in transition has been attracting so many friends and friendly people.

But mainly woman.