Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have been neglecting to speak publicly concerning some pretty crazy things that happened to me recently because I felt they were potentially triggering, and I wasn't sure how to even deal with the information myself.  That being said, you've been warned.

My cousin contacted me through facebook last Saturday afternoon.  I rarely check facebook, but that day I was on looking to talk to another trans friend.  My cousin's message to me was one of urgency.  She needed to talk to me about her ailing father (my uncle) and wanted advice as it looks like he is going to die soon.  She is my favorite cousin even though we didn't get to spend much time together growing up.  She came from an abusive household like I did (her dad and my dad were both abusive) and is the second youngest of 10 children.  Despite her being about 6 years younger than I am she has often been compared to me by our family, and I was a big proponent of her going to college when no one else in her family did.  She and I are, in fact, the first people in our respective families to go to college.  Unfortunately her college was pretty far away, and she doesn't drive, so I haven't got to spend as much time with her as I'd like.  Regardless, it was weird to get a message from her out of the blue.  So I told her I'd be available that evening if she wanted to talk and that I looked forward to catching up.

She called and was very, "off," like she was bearing the weight of the world on her shoulders.  She asked me what I knew about her dying father and I explained my part.  She explained it was worst than I thought it was and she needed my advice.  She said I was the only member of the family on her dad's side she felt like she could really trust.  I noted that she seemed distressed and she asked me if I could keep a secret.  I affirmed that I could and listened to her fumble over her words until she finally got it out.  She said she is transgendered.  My cousin is male to female like me, but understand that I only see her as female now so have been using female pronouns.

I asked finally, "Why did you call me?"  She said, "Because I knew I could trust you."  I said, "Yeah, but did you know I'm also trans?"  The next few seconds were filled with elation like the world has been lifted off her shoulders.  She said surprised, "No! I didn't know!"  To explain why she didn't know, back when I transitioned, she was only 12 years old.  I was asked by my father not to tell any of the younger kids in the family.  I suppose, even 14 years later, her family still kept the secret from her and her little sister.  Needless to say this was a moment where both of us didn't feel so alone in the world.  I had been where she was, I understood the anxiety, I knew the pain she was in.  I knew it all.  I did my best to comfort her as she continued to ask me if it was real.  I could barely believe it myself.  This condition, it is so rare, yet to strike twice in the same family...

After talking for a few hours, I decided I wanted to see her in person to give her a hug and let her know it was all okay.  Sure it was 75 miles one way and after 10:00pm on Saturday night, but I felt I needed to go.  I just needed to clear it with my wife... and this is where things really got crazy.

I told my wife why I was outside on the phone the past few hours; I told her about my cousin and that I felt I needed to visit her tonight.  She said she didn't mind me going just to be safe, but then she started to tear up.  I asked her what was wrong and she said, "I don't know how to tell you right now."  I tried to comfort her giving her a hug and told her, "Don't worry, being with my cousin isn't going  to make me transition."  She said that wasn't it and proceeded to rock my whole world...

"Please don't let [her] make the same mistake you did," she said.

By this she meant, please make sure she transitions...  It was the first time my wife ever told me my de-transiton was a mistake - that I should have stayed female.  I have been struggling with this for some time now, especially in light of my recent loss of foundation and have begun to regret de-transitioning.  But she has seen the pain I am in, has seen the struggle and has had to live through it as my life partner for almost 7 years.  She, the biggest proponent of me saying male, having seen everything, was now telling me to make sure my cousin completed transition to save her from the misery I have experienced.  I couldn't believe it.  She was crying on behalf of the pain my cousin must be in and by extension, my own pain.  I love her dearly.  I don't wish to cause her more pain.

I went to see my cousin that night and we had a wonderful time just being ourselves and talking about our experiences.  I will help her transition since that is what she wants.  I will do my best to help her in any way I can.  Neither of us has to be alone anymore.

Neat, story.  We need more stories like yours.

Awesome, what a great thing you and your wife did!

Dare I ask for a "part 2", where you de-de-transition?

Quote from: Beth Andrea on November 25, 2012, 08:47:00 PM
Awesome, what a great thing you and your wife did!

Dare I ask for a "part 2", where you de-de-transition?

That would be asking for a lot.  My wife might realize how difficult it is, but she still doesn't want me to transition again.  If there is any way I can learn to live without going full time, I will.  But I will go as far as possible.

Just being you maybe enough, Kate.  Who knows what may come about.

Quote from: Ms. OBrien on November 25, 2012, 08:54:01 PM
Just being you maybe enough, Kate.  Who knows what may come about.

That is what I'm hoping for too.  I'm taking tremendous steps to undo the male persona I created, but once that is done, I should be seen for just who I am. :)

Wait, so she feels bad for making you de-transition, but now doesn't want you to fix your mistake? I'm confused; you can't win!

Quote from: DianaP on November 25, 2012, 09:41:07 PM
Wait, so she feels bad for making you de-transition, but now doesn't want you to fix your mistake? I'm confused; you can't win!

I de-transitioned before I met her.  She didn't make me do it, but she expects to be married to a male bodied person so doesn't want me to transition again.

Oh, I get it. In that case, you'll just have to decide on which is more important: your marriage or your transition?

Quote from: DianaP on November 25, 2012, 09:52:26 PM
Oh, I get it. In that case, you'll just have to decide on which is more important: your marriage or your transition?

My promise to not transition is more important.  The only way transition becomes more important is if I can no longer function without it.

Alright then, I guess there's no issue, then? Just a very touching story.  :)

I'm glad it went well.  It can happen in families, my own son is FtM, and there are others here in a similar situation. 
I have a good friend in the North of the state who decided to change society rather than change their own body, and now works in the counselling area, and is on their way to succeeding. 
Maybe you can try the idea of Genderqueer, and consciously live as a woman with a male body, or as neither male or female?  Just a thought.

Karen.

Wow.

I'm glad you're there for your cousin and she's got support from your corner.  Too often, GID is an isolating thing but at least you've got each other now.

I feel your pain regarding your SO.  It is a hard burden to bear, the promise to oneself to not transition, and I completely empathise with your feelings as they are so simlar to my personal experience.