Susan's Place Transgender Resources

First of all, I want to thank Cindy for the kind and warm opening to this site. It's nice to feel there is a place where I may express my thoughts and feelings.

I am VERY VERY new to the forum concept and have rejected it for many years. But, I feel it may be the only place to express myself and feel safe.  I do like changing my mind and seeing a new way to live life.

About me: I am a stable professional, single parent, friend, son, volunteer, coworker yadda yadda yadda. I have a really good outward appearance of someone who works hard, cares for his family and lives a "NORMAL" life.  But, inside I struggle to understand my thoughts and feelings. I don't feel normal anymore. To me, normal is accepting and understanding myself.

I am at the cusp of another reinvention of myself. Something I have done many times, as most people do throughout their lives. This time, it has a sexuality / relationship component I'm not prepared for and not sure how to handle. More than anything, I don't know where to turn to ask questions, listen (or read) to what others have to say or have been through.

Like everyone, I hate to be labeled. But I have come to the realization that I am truly different than most of my friends and family. This leaves me feeling isolated and a bit confused. Who do I talk to? How would I even broach the topic with someone?
Am I strange? Am I bad or wrong for having the thoughts and feeling I have? I don't mind being different. I just don't know what to do next or how to act on my thoughts, feelings and attractions.

I think, but I'm not sure, I may be questioning either my sexuality or who I may choose to partner with. I'm don't know what to do with this feeling. I've heard from others I "need a good counselor". I'm not ready for that yet. I need information. I need to connect with others.

Is it even appropriate to introduce such a topic, like this?

I'm rather confused..

Some guidance would be much appreciated.

Hi quietnightlover, :icon_wave:

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Well when it comes to gender/sexuality issues, a good gender therapist is a great place to start.  Also for gender issues, cross-dressing can also be a start.  Sexuality can be explored by find those you think you are like.

Hi quietnightlover,
a little more information would be helpful.  Just what ais it that you're feeling about yourself makes you think you're "different"?
Do you suspect you're gay? Transexual? asexual?
There's a great big ocean of "not normal" here so you're going to have to give us more to go on if you want some advice ;)
Fear not though, there is a wealth of support and advice here for you and as much as no one likes to label themselves I encourage you to take the plunge and do just that.  It's only a starting point to open up a conversation and no one expects you to get it right first time.
Give us a rough draft and let the editing begin!

Hello, quietnightlover.  Welcome from southern California.

I guess my first question to you would be, "What's normal?"  Normal in terms of societal expectations?  Normal in terms the scope of human biology, or psychology?  Normal in terms of the statistical distribution of GLBTQ person in any given population?  Or just normal in terms of the way you have conducted your life up to this time?

You correctly point out that we all continue to grow and change ("reinvent").  Perhaps what you are thinking about or considering is just a "normal" part of growing.

Hi Quietnightlover, welcome from Boston! Glad you found us. Just hang out and take it all in, there's a lot to be learned here with us. Hugs, Devlyn

First of all, I want to thank Devlyn, Jamie, Rowan & Ms. OBrien for the warm welcomes and the thoughtful replies.  I've taken these past couple of days to read through your replies, think about them and what these meant to me. I wanted my next correspondence to be as concise and honest as possible. It's hard to answer a question when one is confused about the question.

I hope this reply answers your questions and clarifies my questions too.

I think I will adopt the role of a quiet reader. I need to read more than I post. I need to learn from others and I need to learn about the feelings I rarely let out. Thank you, Devlyn.

Jamie, Your questions really gave me something to think about and I have..  I think the "Normal" I referred to was more societal than anything, but some personal too.
From the outside, I am seen as the normal single dad who works two jobs and cares for his kids. Most think I don't date or partner because of me parental obligations and the workload I carry. Mostly, this is true. I also don't connect with people easily and therefore keep myself isolated. I'm not depressed or anything like that. I like my privacy and I like being by myself. When I do date, I don't feel this deep inner connection that I long for.
Jamie, maybe you are right! Maybe I am just reinventing myself again.  Let me tell you a short story and this may help define my "Normal" dilemma.

I've been with two TG/TS women (one pre-op, the other post) throughout my life. One had a sexual component, the other, currently, does not. BUT>>>>>I felt something I've never felt before. It felt really good, exciting, comforting and deep. I felt completely accepted, like I didn't have to hold anything back. The only part of these relationships is the stability factor. One was alcoholic and the other is struggling to rebuild her life. 

THIS IS MY ISSUE...  I loved the attraction, I loved how I felt inside, but I also wanted stability in my partner and in the relationship. I've been (as we all have) in relationships where stability creates problems.  I can't go there again.

I'm not sure how to process this.  Am I wrong for wanting to explore a relationship with a stable TG/TS woman? When I verbalize this desire it feels like I am labeling my desire and it feels wrong.    I have discovered this is an emotional question / issue for me. I'm deeply lonely crave a connection. I can hide it, as I always do, but I'm tired of doing so.

Rowan & Ms. OBrien,  Thank you for the encouragement to just lay it out there and mold it as I go.  The only thing I hate about doing this is that I start getting emotional everytime I look deep and allow myself to think about this.

I hope this is a good start for myself. It is directly from my heart....no doubt there.

My best to all,

QNL

OK, quiet reader type, we'll issue you a Susan's Place library card! Jump in anytime you feel like it, hugs, Devlyn

Welcome, Quiet Reader. I had similar thoughts that you are currently having. I thought that I was weird for wanting to be a woman. It was weeks later that I discovered that I am. I took the risk of being ridiculed, thought of as strange, and just plain nuts. Looking back, I'm happy that I took the chance. Ask any question that you have. I spent hours researching and reading about myself and my feelings. If you can keep a diary or notebook and record your thoughts and feelings. I began a blog and it has helped out tremendously. Embrace every experience that may come your way. 


:)

Thank you Gennee.

I truly appreciate the kind comments and reassurance. I am trying my best to embrace the journey because I want to feel whole. I have discovered that I do have a good ability to compartmentalize my feelings, stuff them down and deal with them as I have the time to do so. It seems to be on Sunday. It's the only day during the week that I don't work and stay home to recharge. What I also find interesting is how emotional I have become. I've always been a sensitive person, but lately I feel weepy at so many things. At this point I've decided to take it all in and let things take their own course. I'm also making an effort to be extra kind to people. It's important that " I see the person". When I do this, my experience is so much richer.

In short, I'm transitioning to a new me and I trust the universe with the result. Feeling whole, genuine and authentic is my goal. I want to feel and love that way every day of my life.

Finally, I really love this site and it's members. I feel so comfortable and accepted. Bless you all.

Hi quietnightlover,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

In answer to your questions

Quote from: quietnightlover on November 30, 2012, 12:18:56 AM
1.) Who do I talk to?
2.) How would I even broach the topic with someone?
3.) Am I strange?
4.) Am I bad or wrong for having the thoughts and feeling I have?

A1.) Although it's been mentioned before and you have rejected it; a professional gender therapist.
A2.) By simply stating exactly what you've stated here.
A3.) Absolutely NOT!!!  Incredibly normal, if anything.
A4.) Again, absolutely NOT !!!

Quote from: quietnightlover on November 30, 2012, 12:18:56 AMI've heard from others I "need a good counselor". I'm not ready for that yet..

I'm interested in knowing the real reason why you're not ready. Everything you've said prior, indicates you are.

By way of example; I could waste an inordinate amount of time talking to our electronic engineers at work, about the appropriate mechanical needs of our fleet of vehicles. In preference to asking our mechanical service agent. I know who would give me the most accurate and concise information first up.

Quote from: quietnightlover on November 30, 2012, 12:18:56 AM
Some guidance would be much appreciated.

As requested.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Thank you Catherine. Those are some mighty wise words and I will listen.

I do know this: I am questioning my sexual preferences and those I am attracted to. There is one Woman I find myself quite attracted to. She is non-op and beautiful and I am so curious about her. My question is: does my interest in her make me bi-curious? I feel I would be very willing to explore with her if the chemistry was there and as long as I felt I could trust her. Trust is such a huge issue for me.

I am afraid to contact her because I don't know what to say and I'm afraid I would come off as an idiot. I realize I'm lonely and longing for a place I feel safe and whole and connected with someone..


Arrgh,  I do need to find a good counselor.

I love to witness and experience the chemistry between people. It can be for good or bad, for love or hate, to build or destroy. Over my life, I've seen all of it, as most people have and I choose to participate in the good, the love and to build.

I will speak the truth, even if it's uncomfortable.
I will acknowledge my faults, even when its painful or embarrassing.
I will try to love, even when it's frightening.
Live true.... The greatest phrase I've learned here.....

Hi again QL,

Good to see you found some of the gang.

The more you talk to other TG people the more comfortable you will get both in self acceptance and understanding and increasingly the knowledge that TG people are totally and utterly normal. Well with some exceptions, Cathrine, JamieD and Devlynn are of course exceptions but we just humour them and put them back in their cells at feeding time. But don't tell them I said that.

Are your feelings of interest in a TG woman a sign of being bi-curious, and interesting question that has many answers, particularly when you meet us. My sexual preference is for men. Since I'm a female that makes me heterosexual. When I had to live pretending to be a guy did that make me Gay? I haven't had the op as yet so I still carry tumours and a pipe. They don't work thank goddess due to hormones but they are still there, so if I fancied females would that make me a lesbian or make me straight?

Which raises the next question. Who cares? I certainly don't.

The area that I can add to your confusion with is gender, sex and the law. In many places MtF are regarded as males, even though they are female, present as female and act female. What happens when they marry? In many places same sex marriage is not allowed;  Soooo who can a MtF marry? a male or a female?  This of course gets more confusing when you move around the world.

I'm Australian (to the cries of thank goddess she is over the pond from my Yankee sisters) where same sex marriage is not allowed, at the moment.  I have been married for over 30 years. I love my wife and she loves me. As soon as I get my surgery we are automatically divorced. Because same sex marriage is not allowed. So why was the marriage legal before? I can't, couldn't and haven't had male-female penetrative sex.  Even when I was not on hormones and the pipe and tumours could work. So when they are removed I'm different?

So we get back to what is normal.

As you see it is not a very easy question to answer, so everyone is normal or no one is normal.

Which of course means you are normal because you don't know if you are nomal or not.

Glad I cleared that up for you :laugh:

Where do we take our feelings and what do we do about them?

The biggest problem with being TG is that it never goes away. The number of woman who have tried every sort of utter masculine jobs and hobbies to cure their TG is staggering, and a total waste of time. As many of us know to our cost, and as we keep finding here with people joining.

Why do we do this?

Well one we can't or couldn't accept that we are normal. Another is the consequence of accepting our selves.

What and why is that?

What is the consequence of accepting ourselves? We can list them. Usually people start with'I will lose' and then fill in family, friends, career, respect, money, pets, the budgie, driving a car, going to the footy, sorry getting silly as usual.

People very rarely start with 'I will gain' then fill in myself, self respect, a career, friends, waking up and looking forward to a life, not thinking of strange ways to kill yourself so the family can still get the life insurance, wearing clothes I like, being who I am and not worrying about slipping up, the respect of others, love. BEING ME.

(BTW this is what a therapist guides you through, I'll send my bill later. )

Why do we think the worst and not the best. Fear. Plain cold startling mind numbing FEAR.

Why? Because we may not be regarded as normal.

See above.

What happens when we go the other way and accept ourselves and go for it?

Well I suppose I have been one of the major procrastinators on this site as far as going FT. If I could find an excuse I used it.

My fantastic friends here helped me and built my soul so that in the end I could grow and move on.

What happened. Ahmmmm (cough) nothing.

It was a none event.

No one gave a damn, if they did they made sure not to let me know, and very very quickly there were a lot of people  who made very sure that people who couldn't cope or thought of funny jokes or good insults were taught to be accepting.

Again I didn't and don't care.

What have I lost? Well all my male clothing has been donated to Goodwill. I don't use the totally disgusting male toilets. I don't have to shave my face. I can't think of much else.

What have I gained? A life, respect both self and from others, love, support, laughs and good times, friends, a new wardrobe that is ever expanding (sorry put a loss of money in the paragraph above),  self confidence, increased work ethic, the ability to lead and command respect without consciously doing anything different, guys opening doors for me :laugh:, sleep and dreams.

Happiness. Contentment.

Would I go back if I could?

No way.

I wasn't going to have surgery. I'm counting down the days until I can apply.

So where do you go from here?

Nowhere; hang around, post, read, tell bad jokes, get used to being happy and being accepted, when you feel bad tell us, when you feel good tell us, when the dark dreams roll in and the bottle is the answer tell us. when ending it all seems a good idea tell us.

You now have a big problem. You have a family that understands and has no problems in accepting you.

We have all been there.

Thankfully my brothers and sisters dragged me back.

Hugs

Cindy

Hi quietnightlover,

* Catherine releasing herself from her cell after stealing the keys from that somewhat "wordy" South Oz shelia *

Quote from: quietnightlover on December 05, 2012, 10:58:58 PM
My question is: does my interest in her make me bi-curious?

In answer to your question, it primarily depends on how you perceive yourself. Are you predominantly man or woman, or somewhere along the way.

Furthermore, how important is it for you to know whether you are or not. As Annah so rightfully said, "Labels are for candy jars"

I tend to believe here are far greater things to determine first, along this journey, before considering sexual preferences. Just taking he advent of undertaking HRT for a start. Once. that is commenced, all previous bets are off. It's a brand new ball game.

Perhaps may be useful to sort your inner being out first before you take on anything else.

Keep up he good job you are doing.

Huggs
Catherine

Cindy & Catherine,

I have never been so humbled and respected. Thank you. Both of you have presented some information that requires much thought and soul searching. I will do this. I will present my thoughts and feeling and see where it leads me.  I don't know much right now, but I do know I'm not so worried about the acceptance of others right now as I am of myself.

Right now, I'm off to the movies with a friend. I feel comfortable and accepted around her.


More later....I have some thinking to do.

Labels are for candy jars.

Yes! Yes, they are.

Cindy, you must introduce me to your friends Cathrine and Devlynn, they both sound like charmers! Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on December 07, 2012, 07:41:30 PM
Cindy, you must introduce me to your friends Cathrine and Devlynn, they both sound like charmers! Hugs, Devlyn

Yes I'm particularly fond of them :laugh:

Back from the movie and my head is buzzing. I've decided I don't want to go to the movies with my friend....let's call her "J". The movie was fine, but after I realized I wanted time to connect vs sitting in a theatre. I really like J. She is so open, honest and direct about the path her life has taken and I find myself lost in the moments of our chats.

I've tried to digest Cindy's post and it's too huge for me to tackle in one reply. I will address it as the thoughts come and when I feel strongly about something.

I've given some thought (although it requires much more) to the notion of "normalcy". I like the idea that we are all normal and abnormal. I've never had a problem being different. I've been different all my life and have liked it most of the time. I think I am questioning my attraction to TG women. That's one issue, Cindy. You hit the nail on the head. If I am attracted to a TG woman with the old plumbing still in tact, does that make me bi-curious. I don't find a mans body the slightest bit attractive, but I do have an attraction to TG.

So, yes, I'm questioning if I'm bi-curious or not and it bothers me.  And, to top it off....I'm bothered that I'm bothered... 

I want this experience.....I honestly do. I think about it a lot. BUT, like any other experience, it needs to be with the right person....I must feel safe & secure. This is not a hookup...

I am researching therapists. I do follow good advice from good people....

I like to state it and I will again.  Thank you all. You are my kind of people.

More later,

QNL

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on December 07, 2012, 07:41:30 PM
Cindy, you must introduce me to your friends Cathrine and Devlynn, they both sound like charmers! Hugs, Devlyn

Catherine is the one that likes:

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1266.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fjj525%2FCEST2%2Fimage.jpg&hash=b83dbafcf947ab3feb86153265ee6f5da25a59ea)

I think I'm in love!

* Catherine profusely apologising to the OP for high jacking her thread,BUT sometimes emergencies do happen *

OK !!  OK !!  Spill the beans girl. Don't keep us in suspenders. What's the gos??  Who is the lucky one?  Come ON ...... fess up, you're family.  It's in the T&C's, haven't you read them.

Awaiting very impatiently for the news. Looking forward to hearing from you RIGHT NOW!!!!

Huggs
Catherine

Excuse me, Catherine, but you're blocking my view of that 3.1415925635898! The love of my life!

I love pie and pi

I've given some thought to everything presented to me and I do have a few thoughts to share.....in no particular order.  Comments and questions are welcome...

I am predominately male....at least I feel I am....I also know I have some feminine qualities I like very much in myself and don't think have anything to do with anything.

I like my nails to be long and neat. Friends, kids and partners always love my back tickles. So far, the only penis I like playing with is my own. Lol.... I like my feet. I have nice long feet with nicely shaped toes. I prefer to be thin and sculpted than bulky.  I trust and feel more comfortable around women than men. I don't understand most men, with the exception of those who have some feminine characteristics.  Even as a kid, I preferred to play with the girls.

I don't like the appearance of men. Even though my past sexual escapades involved close contact with both men and woman, I never found any excitement or interest in a mans body.   Sooo, I definitely think I'm not gay.    Comments????

Now.....the TG woman is a different story. I'm still batting around the concept of bi-curiousness, but I think I'm starting to get a handle on it.  Even though there may be a few parts similar to mine, the woman IS A WOMAN......that's what matters. I don't think of the parts as male.....
Now I must reiterate my lack of experience too. I've been in the room, but I've never sat in the chair....if you get my drift.  ;-)

I'm not exactly sure how to do this, but I have a plan for myself.     1. I WILL seek a QUALIFIED  therapist who can help me question better and maybe answer some too.   2.  I WILL make more of an effort to meet more women....get myself out there....be more social....quit working so much.....maybe I will meet someone special....someone I really like.  That would be nice.  I'm going to volunteer for something...something with meaning.

I look forward to the day I am allowed to get my own personal blog here. I've never had one before because I've never wanted to post my thoughts and feeling in a public space. Here feels different,it does not feel public,  it's like I have a bunch of friends and family....it feels like home....my kind of home..

I've never experienced this kind of comfort before..

Love and be loved. I heard that in a movie tonight. Good words to live by, harder to do.

I am different. I know this. Most of the time I accept it willingly. Sometimes, it's hard.

I have been divorced for 15-years. In that time, I've raised three kids and had ONLY two significant relationships. I justify this by believing I only had eyes for unique women.....very unique women. I thought I was waiting for that "one in a million" and I was willing to wait for her.

I'm not sure today.

Hi QNL,

In response to your first question. No I tend to think you are gay.

Your plan sounds good for two reasons. 1.) You're seeking a therapist & 2.) You're looking to reduce your workload. This will be extremely beneficial in providing you with a lot of "me" time. Time when you can be alone with just yourself, discovering the most important person in this equation.

Might I further suggest before you complicate the matter with additional relationship, is that you go and "sit in the chair" for a bit. You may be surprised in what you find.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on December 08, 2012, 06:40:36 PM
Excuse me, Catherine, but you're blocking my view of that 3.1415925635898! The love of my life!

Hummmmmmm. I should've known. Should've seen that one coming. You blind sided me you tart, with your tart.

Really Catherine?

You think I'm gay? Seriously ?  Can you please elaborate more. I'm curious to know much more. If I don't like the sight of a mans body how could I be gay?

And, just to clarify, does "sitting in the chair mean I should try to connect with someone and see how it feels or sit in the therapist chair and start on me?

I want to make sure I fully understand your suggestions? I do respect your opinions.

Cindy,

May I have your opinion please? I've thought about Catharine's opinion for the last few hours and all I want to do is crawl in bed and cry. Have I opened a can of worms on myself? I don't know what to do or how to feel and I'm feeling extremely insecure right now. OMG, what's happening to me?

Quoted from Cindy:  "Why do we think the worst and not the best. Fear. Plain cold startling mind numbing FEAR"

THAT's how I feel right now.

Hi QNL,

My deepest and most humble apologies. I omitted a word from my statement. It should have read, "I tend to think you are NOT gay.

I deep apologise for any harm caused.

To clarify my comment about, "

Quote from: quietnightlover on December 08, 2012, 08:59:25 PM
Now I must reiterate my lack of experience too. I've been in the room, but I've never sat in the chair....if you get my drift.  ;-)

I couched my reply based on the scene you painted in:

Quote from: quietnightlover on December 08, 2012, 08:59:25 PM
I like my nails to be long and neat. Friends, kids and partners always love my back tickles. So far, the only penis I like playing with is my own. Lol.... I like my feet. I have nice long feet with nicely shaped toes. I prefer to be thin and sculpted than bulky.  I trust and feel more comfortable around women than men. I don't understand most men, with the exception of those who have some feminine characteristics.  Even as a kid, I preferred to play with the girls.

Which to me, indicated your preference to the feminine side of life. So for you to be in the "feminine room" and to "sit in the chair" implies you may wish to actively develop your feminine traits by attempting to live as a woman. 

I hope this clarifies my interpretation. So should this interpretation cause you concern, I apologise.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine 

Thanks Catherine,

The clarification helps a lot. No apology is needed. I was just freaked out and emotional because it reminds me of a time I want to forget. I'm sorry if I seemed overly sensitive.
The feminine part is another matter that doesn't bother me as much right now. I like that side of myself. It may need to be professionally examined, but it's less fearful to me. 


Hugs back to you.  Big squeezzy hugs.

Another day gone and I'm in a good place to start another week. Reflecting on today, I am glad I was able to go from high to low and back to high again. I feel more centered and relaxed now. I understand more about what needs to take place and when. All in all, the "missed word" ended up creating something new and worth exploring.

This week, I will seek out a therapist. I've been researching them for the past several days and think I've narrowed it down to a few possibilities. I usually go for women therapists as I have always felt more comfortable around women. I will trust my instincts.

The suggestion to further explore the feminine side is interesting to me and one I will think about. Living as a female isn't possible because of my kids. I don't want to introduce anything this big right now. Maybe I can have a friend introduce me slowly to the idea and practice. Maybe dressing, painting my toe nails....I really don't know, but I'm willing to entertain any suggestions. I just want to feel part of something. I want to feel I have a home outside of my own four walls. I want to feel comfortable other than under a blanket in bed in my room.

There is hope. There's always hope. I do know this.

Thank you Catherine. Unknowingly, you took me to a place I needed to go. I am grateful.

I'm sorry...just one more thought. This one makes me laugh.

If I was a girl. I think I would be a granola girl. ...  That's so me... That way I could go hiking and not worry about breaking a nail. 

QNL, I think you can give Catherine  free brand  >:-)

if you review your posts over the last week you will that there is not only hope, but you are running down the road hand in hand with it.

Thank you Cindy. You all make it easy to have hope.

Good news! I have a therapist to try. She was recommended by a friend and I'm excited to call her tomorrow.

More later...I must try to sleep now. It's been hard lately.

Hi QNL.  I am getting back to this topic after several days.  I see you have quite a following.

Back to your post to me on page 1.  I don't think there is any sort of "owners manual" or "Relationships for Dummies" guidebooks out there.  The whys and wherefores of who we find comfortable, or secure, or love, are ofttimes beyond me.

Every intimate relationship I have been in has been different from the others.  Maybe that is a reflection of who I am, or how I grow from the experiences.  Hard to say.

Hi QNL,

A few things to do before you go any further.

1. Give yourself a great big hug.
2. Congratulate yourself for taking yourself to where you are.
3. Celebrate your achievements to date.

The other thing you mentioned, is one of the finest things you can EVER master; and that's following your instincts. They are NEVER wrong. And that takes faith. Faith in yourself.

Keep up the awesome job you are doing. Hope your connection with the therapist works well.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Oh geeez,

Why do I start getting tears in my eyes after reading here.

Thank you all.

I feel very supported.


News: I have a therapist.....I'm actually excited to get started...I hope I can say the same in the future.  For now, I agree with you all. It's best that I don't think of starting a relationship with someone other than myself... Great advice.  I can live with the loneliness, for now. But honestly, I don't feel lonely, just confused and distracted.

The appointment is set. My butt hits the chair in one week. I'm excited, nervous, optimistic and frightened.  She does sound really nice.

I cried AGAIN today. Three times, actually. I usually suck it back in. I can't lose control right now.....BUT- Where is this coming from?  I'm finding I can bring it on by thinking about all of this or by talking to my friend "J". She has been through it all and is sooooooo understanding.  I did tell "J" that I would try my best to let the therapist do her thing and not dump my stuff on her. She is my friend and I don't want to lose that.

Sometimes it's a challenge to accept this place too. I have never felt so accepted, without consequences. It's a strange feeling for me. Once I get through it, I hope to pass it along to another.

Today, I realized I don't want to date and I have little interest in sex. The sex part is strange because mine is usually high. The dating part is fine too....even on my best day i hate dating.. ;D. I'm okay with it. Seems easier to NOT complicate my life right now and I need to keep my focus on work and kids.
I am, however, craving information and connections with people who understand. I'm reaching out like never before.

I have more to write, but the words are not ready. More later.

Before I go: thanks Jamie and Catherine. It helps

Catherine mentioned something yesterday that has stuck to me like glue.

I'm paraphrasing here:  " I may wish to actively develop my feminine traits by attempting to live as a woman"

To my knowledge, I've never tried on woman's clothing....not even past girl friends panties. Never never never....but, why does this suggestion not freak me out. A small flood gate has opened over the past day and memories of my past, buried long ago, come back to me as flashes, video clips of my youth. 

All day I've been rolling the concept around my head. It's not freaking me out.  Why?

These are some of the thoughts I've been actively imagining: laser hair removal of facial hair? (that's a good idea, regardless) Nose job, mine needs to be slimmer. If I had breasts, I would like small ones; Just a handful. I wonder what size that would be? Painted nails??????  Not sure. Maybe my toes. Not my fingers.

I'm not freaking out.   Why?  I'm not jumping for joy either, but I'm definitely not freaking out.

Geekbabe has this gif of a m2f transformation I can't stop looking at. It fascinates me. Not sexually...that's just wrong.

What would my mother say?   Now THAT freaks me out more than telling my kids.

At this point, I think am going to relax in bed and try to let the images of my past come as needed. I will try to not judge, just observe. I am not sure I will like them all, but I think there is a purpose here.

I will trust myself to keep myself safe
I control me and my life
I choose my reaction
I need to know the truth about me and this time I think I want to know

It is truly amazing what a day can do for the heart, mind and soul, if we allow it.

It's been a good day. I have made some decisions, thought through some situations and come to a peaceful place of acceptance of the journey. I'm sure there may be days when things are not so happy, but those days are not here.

Here is a bit of what's up.
1. I am going to start wearing a piece of woman's clothing. I'm thinking something under my shirt would work. I'm going for the good stuff too. I will buy it myself. It's my clothing.
2. I'm going to try my best to enjoy this journey. I feel like I have spotted home in the distance.
3. Anyone who brings negative energy to my journey is not welcome. I'm here for a reason and I'm not going to waste my time and energy. I've done that for too long.
4. I will thank my friends daily, in spirit, in thought and in person for willingly offering their time and support. This includes everyone here.
5. I will be honest, open honorable and accepting.....to the best of my ability.
6. I will share with those who care to know.

It's been a tough night. I've only slept about two hours. I've spent the past 4 hours watching feminization and HRT videos and reading the before and after threads.  It's going to take everything I have to get through the day without crying at every little thing. There are lots of thoughts racing through my mind and I'm shaking like a leaf in the wind.

I've ordered my first piece of clothing and just got the tracking number. It should arrive tomorrow. I don't think I can wait. I think I may need to visit the mall and pick up something today. I will just say I'm shopping for my GF. I spent a considerable amount of time shaving all of the hair off my legs and chest. I want my skin to touch every inch of the clothing. I need to feel this. I feel it may give me some information I desperately need.

Off topic. I just remembered that I was named after a girl. It was a distant relative, but I've known and felt comfortable with the name my whole life. When and if the time comes, I have my new name ready and waiting. The thought of this makes me cry....AGAIN.  Why am I crying so much? The last time I was this emotional was during my divorce. That was 15 years ago.

What's happening to me. I'm frightened yet I'm obsessed with this journey. I just want answers, advice, anything!

Congratulations QNL,

You're doing an amazing job of sorting through a mile of suppressed thoughts dating back to your early childhood. And thats why some of these thoughts, such as dressing/living as a woman doesn't freak you. It's tending to be more the natural you. Scary!!! Absolutely, when you consider the repercussions. But lets work on that later.

There's one key trick to this whole thing. Don't hold back on the crying. If a thought/action/event triggers tears, let them roll. The more you cry the better you feel, the more cleansed your mind becomes and the greater the clarity of your journey. They will stop,in time. It's a natural body reaction. Similar to laughing. You need to do it.

You, my dear girl, are on the edge of discovering the most amazing woman in your whole life. YOU.

Embrace and enjoy the journey; it is uniquely, distinctively, YOURS. Take ownership of it. Possess it.

Huggs
Catherine

Thank you Catherine,

I do think I need to compartmentalize my emotions. Yesterday, I started to tear up during a staff meeting. I quickly excused myself to the bathroom and blamed it on allergies. I'm going to try my best to do my work during working hours and my "me" work during me hours. I can't put my job in jeopardy. I will do my best to let my emotions take a natural course.

Of course, Your "my dear girl" statement opened the flood gates.  It's foreign to read this yet it feels good. I imagined my Mother saying it to me.

I even went to two different stores today to get girl clothes. I could not wait any longer.  Of course, I got the size wrong, but I did it. I got a simple black camisole and some sleepwear. It feels so good against my skin.

Thank you. You gave me what I needed to hear.

Coming out?  Strange phrase, but it works, I guess.  It just came out of me.  I'm not ashamed to tell.

I told two people tonight of my intentions to seek gender counseling. I actually told my mother I may not want to live as a man any more. So, I guess I jumped in with both feet?

My girlfriend ( platonic ) is so awesome. She said she does not understand, but will support me. She even registered as a SO to gain a greater understanding. I love her dearly and we are tight.

Tomorrow will be an interesting day for mom. I hope this doesn't kill her, but I need her to answer some key questions from my childhood. She is tough and I think she will be okay.  I did, however, lay down some ground rules for her that I hope she can follow. I just asked her to celebrate this journey with me, wherever it leads. If she can't, then trust that I'm doing what's best for me..

It's been an emotional, but also a rewarding day. Baby steps and the support of so many wonderful people. I feel so blessed.

Good night , I'm done crying and it's time to sleep.

Hi QNL,

Good to hear your baby steps are being just so positive an experience for you. Just be selective in these early days as to who knows. So people either can't or won't understand what is happening to you. In the end, this is there problem, NOT yours. There is nothing you can do for those people.

Now for lesson number 2. What name are you going to choose for yourself. The sooner this family can start calling you by your name,the sooner you'll build your self confidence and esteem.

Lesson number 3. Buy shares in Kleenex tissues now. By the time you're through this, they'll be paying a fine dividend.   :P   :laugh:

Huggs
Catherine 

P.S. Lovely hair you had back then. Should look good when you regrow

Catherine, I just love you. I hope you don't mind if I adopt you as my big-sister?

Once AGAIN, you had me in tears....BIG ONES.  So much so, I could not drive for a few minutes. Crying certainly feels good and each time gets a bit deeper. I feel a gut wrenching cry coming in the future and I welcome it. It's exhausting, but opens me up a bit more and it rips one more brick from the wall.

NEWS FLASH:  I didn't kill mom!       She survived me coming out and has been very communicative all day. She told me that she now understands why I would not let her get close to me.  WOW
I'm sure she is struggling as It is all so new, but we are in a place we have never been. She really wants to understand, accept and be part of my journey.  WOW. WOW
I look forward to the day when she quits ending her emails and texts with "son" and calls me daughter or by my new name. More on the name later.

I had another milestone today. One I have NEVER experienced my whole life. I struggled to find clothes to wear to work. I hated everything in my wardrobe. It didn't feel like my stuff. All day it bothered me. Liken the feeling to wearing your creepy uncles used clothes. It bothered me so much, I stopped at the mall and bought two cute cami's. The sales girl was adorable and very helpful. The minute I put it on, I felt normal. Just like my american express, " I won't leave home without it".


Okay....I've been giving a lot of thought to my girl name and here is where I stand with the whole situation.  I know I was named after a family member who died. Jewish tradition in my family states that the first born will carry the name or initials of the dearly departed. I've known this name my whole life and I kind of like it. I want to ask my mother how she feels and I'm not sure when she will be ready for such a question. The name I take is one I hope my parents will come to use as time progresses and they gain a comfort for me.

Catherine, is it okay if I wait a bit to decide or is it important that I have one soon?  I want to pick one that is special to me and I will research names tonight as I want one too.

Okay, back to mom.  She either wants to talk tonight or email me. I told her to pick what is most comfortable for her and do it in a time frame she is comfortable with. I've reassured her many times that I am truly okay.....I think she finally gets it. 

Oh, just in case you want a good chuckle.....this feeling still makes me laugh... I want boobs!  Badly!

I will close this with something I've never felt until now.  I'm one happy girl....

I just finished a thoughtful chat with my mother. It went well and we were both honest and open. I told her that I would always answer her questions, but would likely not offer a lot of information. If she wants to know, she can ask me. I feel more centered. I will never have a deeply close relationship with her, she is too reserved to reach out. But, we have more today than we had yesterday. I'm grateful.

Now, here is an OMG revelation. While talking to mom and telling her about my friends ( all of you) and my counselor we both realized the date of my first gender counseling appointment is the same day my father died. Exactly one year.    WOW.    I'm curious to know how I will feel on Monday.

I also asked Mom for permission to assume the name I want. I feel it is right to gain her permission since it has so much significance and the name is from her side of the  family. Either way,  I will be fine. There are plenty of beautiful names to choose from

Well Doll you are leaping along. Don't get up set if some depression sets in, it is common toi run and be very happy and escape and stuff and them feel a bit bad. We all do. It is just the hormones and serotonin doing its stuff.

Glad to hear that you have opened up family communications  and Mum is so supportive. That will help a lot.

Geex I'll have to send Catherine in for plastic surgery to get that silly grin off her face. Or maybe a quick brand will work.

Thank you, Cindy.

I will remember that. I actually hope this calms down a bit. It's emotionally exhausting. Having all of you here helps so much. I would be in the loony bin otherwise.

Time to sleep...if I can.

Nite nite

Hugs and sweet dreams Sis

Hi QNL,

Quote from: quietnightlover on December 13, 2012, 09:21:45 PM
Catherine, I just love you. I hope you don't mind if I adopt you as my big-sister?

Thank you QNL. with the fabulous effort you are persevering with I'm honoured and proud to be your sister.

Quote from: quietnightlover on December 13, 2012, 09:21:45 PM
Once AGAIN, you had me in tears....BIG ONES.  So much so, I could not drive for a few minutes. Crying certainly feels good and each time gets a bit deeper. I feel a gut wrenching cry coming in the future and I welcome it. It's exhausting, but opens me up a bit moate and it rips one more brick from the wall

Releasing this mountain of repressed thoughts and feelings from over the years often causes this ocean of tears. Which in themselves, as you no doubt have found, provide a profound cleansing effect.

I'm just so happy to hear your Mum coming on board. Don't be surprised if she's known for a long time herself. Mothers generally are very intuitive about their siblings..

Quote from: quietnightlover on December 13, 2012, 09:21:45 PM
Catherine, is it okay if I wait a bit to decide or is it important that I have one soon?  I want to pick one that is special to me and I will research names tonight as I want one too.

Take as much time as you like. Obviously the sooner you choose one the sooner other revelations will open up to you. You have already completed part 1 of a 2 stage process with respects to your journey. The first is to acknowledge or affirm your feminine persona, the next stage takes you places you never thought existed, or thought possible. That's the validation stage, where you give that persona a life, a name, a personality. You then start living the dream. And dreams do come true.

Quote from: quietnightlover on December 13, 2012, 09:21:45 PM
Oh, just in case you want a good chuckle.....this feeling still makes me laugh... I want boobs!  Badly!

;D ;D   ;D   :laugh:   :laugh:   :laugh: 
Oh well!! There goes the baby steps. Right out the door. Cindy was right when she said "you're leaping along."  Just go with the flow girl. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Quote from: quietnightlover on December 13, 2012, 09:21:45 PM
I will close this with something I've never felt until now.  I'm one happy girl....

Well make that your Mantra each day, each hour, each minute. Embrace it. Possess it. Live it. Be it. It's yours.

Huggs
Catherine

Quote from: quietnightlover on December 10, 2012, 07:24:34 PM
Today, I realized I don't want to date and I have little interest in sex. The sex part is strange because mine is usually high.

I deal with that a lot. Really confusing. I have a very high libido, will only ever approach women, but never actually enjoy sex with them. It stinks. I don't approach men because I find I'm only interested in sex with them and I need an emotional connection, which is only there with women for me.

Karen,

Maybe this is TMI, but it startled me....last night, I woke twice from the feeling of my own erection.  For the first time in my life, it didn't feel sexual. I just wanted it to go away. I didn't want the responsibility of dealing with it..  How strange is that?  I'm very reassured to feel like this has nothing to do with sex...it's about me....

Thank you Catherine and Cindy,

I love you.

I'm at a point where I need to let my head, heart and soul slow down. I need to settle into the last week, it's been one hell of a ride and I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I need to get my sleep cycle back or I will lose my mind. I am hopeful.

Please know I am okay, not depressed, just exhausted.

I'm spending the evening with "J". She always makes me feel good and she allows me to be myself.

It's a new day and I'm doing better.  Spending last evening talking with my friend helped a lot,  and gave me lots more to think about.  I need to keep control or my life will spin out of control. I see this now.

I really want to explore my girl mode and  feminize myself much more. How do I do this without freaking out my kids and employer. I look in the mirror and avoid my face. It looks like my father and it looks like a man. When I look below my shoulders I feel better. I think I have a reasonably nice shape which screams to be treated like a girl. From the back, I could pass.  Now I want the front to be that way too. 

Although I'm not feeling the desire to wear girl underwear full time, would it help if I had something to replicate breasts?  I've been fixated on my small breasts all week and want to see how I look and feel in my camisole & jeans outfit. It's a look that is completely me.


Summing it up, I feel better yet more confused too. I'm doubting myself and my motives. Maybe because of fear? I've had two friends STRONGLY suggest I set firm boundaries for girl mode. I see this now.  My kids would freak out and it may destroy our relationship.  For now, girl mode is limited to under garments under my man clothes. 

Hi QNL,

I'm impressed at the maturity you perceive this journey of yours. Certainly limitations should apply, but you'll know where and when. Take time to listen to yourself.

The issue of your children is best left for discussion with your therapist, as she will know your situation far better than anyone here will. We but see a snapshot of your day to day life. Your therapist sees a must broader horizon.

Regarding your self image, until you've had more time learning to understand your feminine persona in a deep more meaningful manner, don't concentrate on your body image. Turn it off, so to speak, otherwise it will distract you. With a stronger self confidence and esteem, you'll be able to work more productively on that matter.

Experimenting with breasts is very simple and cheap in the beginning. All you need is either bird seed or small grain rice and some balloons. Not knowing what your body dimensions are, if you measure round your chest under your bust, and if an odd number, go to the next even number, equates to your bra band size. i.e. if it were 37" you'd be a 38". Go to a charity store, buy a bra in your band size preferable a 'B' cup, fill the balloons to appropriate level with the bird seed and insert into bra and feel the sensation. A 'B' cup should measured across your nipple area should be 2" larger than your band size. i.e. 40". It's will ensure approximate body proportions.

Beware of fear (False Evidence Appearing Real), it will introduce confusion and doubt. Try and prioritise your feelings and deal with them. If there is a lack of information to deal with it, put it aside and deal with the next. Remember your mantra and know that there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with you in any way, shaper or form.

Under dressing is a very useful form for accepting your new identity. There is nothing wrong with it and it may provide a good boundary to set in the initial stage. At the very least it should provide some comfort and reduced anxiety.

Enjoy the "getting to you know the new you", you are going through.

Huggs
Catherine

Wow, I never thought of the rice balloon idea. Thank you. I have a charity store close and thought of going by to get a pair of hip hugging jeans...never thought of getting a bra there. Now I'm excited..

I will, I'm sure, read your body image advice over and over. It feels right and I must come to accept this and myself.  It will be hard.  As I unravel my past, I am discovering just how much I loved to experience myself walking or acting in a feminine manner. A pair of tight jeans while barefoot makes me feel so sexy. But, my focus needs to be on my mind and spirit.....not so much the body right now.
I see this now.  Thank you.

I'm going to take some time and really make an effort to find my girl name. I need one. I've decided to not take the family name as it is not mine. I want one that makes me feel beautiful, strong, compassionate and giving when I hear it.


Love and hugs,

I had a quite the adventure today. I wanted to see how I felt while buying more girl stuff.
On my way to work, I stopped at the local thrift store and cruised the women's area for jeans. Not just any jeans, mind you. I wanted jeans that felt sexy. I found two, tried them on and brought them home. Honestly, I was nervous for about 2 minutes, then just acted like I knew what I was doing and I didn't even get a stare.  I was shopping around older women and teens. 

THEN, I want to another store, bought a bra, nail polish and other assorted grooming items.

Both times, men checked me out at the register. I acted like myself and it felt AMAZING.

I was so excited that I came home, kissed the kids and retired to my room to get in my girl mode.

I'm not one to brag, but I looked and felt so natural in all my clothes. Once I'm sure my kids are sound asleep, I may even sleep in them. I love girl mode.

On the serious side of it: I had to do this for myself. It's my way of believing I belong. It's my way of validating I can act like a girl and not feel ashamed. I know YMMV....but, All in all, I had a good day.

Ok is Maela June your new name? It has a nice ring to it.

Just remember the initial rush of finding yourself can deflate. It only takes negative comments or someone shouting 'poofter' at you to change feelings to good to bad. When we start we are very fragile even if we do not know it.

As you grow your personal and emotional strength builds. But it does take time, and that is why we talk to each other.

Besides the fact no can shut Catherine up, but as you can tell I'm the quiet retiring type.

Cindy

Thank you, Cindy,

I've played with the name in a couple different variations. The current one feels the best.

I do appreciate the reality check. It's the same message my local friends have told me too. I know I am in for a long ride. I just wanted to have a different experience for myself and feel it deeply.

I do know Girl jeans fit me better than boy jeans.

On a personal note.....I look forward to watching HOW I write in the future as compared to now.  I think I use too many I's in my sentences and it's more than bad grammar.  I may be wrong (lol, another I) but I think it says something about my self image.

Love to all,

I've noticed that my insatiable thirst for knowledge has not subsided. I'm glad for this. I trust it means I'm taking this seriously and not on a whim. 

The more I read the more I gain an appreciation for this site and all who participate openly and honestly in it. Quite honestly, words cannot adequately express my gratitude to everyone.

This place is unique, real, honest, supportive and open.

Thank you all

I look forward to a healthy long relationship with all I interact with.

Maelan

It's Monday and it's a big day for me.  In three hours I will meet my therapist. I'm so excited to start this journey. I'm a bit nervous too. I've been a bit weepy this morning. I feel like I'm at the starting gate and being allowed to start the journey.

To celebrate the day I'm getting a facial. I've never had one before. It's another new thing for me and I will embrace this, as I am, as the woman I want to be.

More later

Good Luck Sis,

Have a great day

GO FOR IT

I finally have my own blog and I love it. I am comforted to know I have a space that's mine to document my journey. It's a nice addition to the other wonderful changes taking place in my life.

Maelan's Lost & Found Diary

Bless you all

Cindy & Catherine,

I'm glad I have the ability to go back and read through all my postings and your advice. You have guided me quite a distance in a very short time and I carry feelings of gratitude in my heart. I feel like I am home when I'm here.

Thank you. I miss the anticipation of reading your next reply and your supportive words.

I'm a good place and sorting through it all with a wonderful therapist. I will take my time to find my way and whats best for me. I hope I do not lose touch with either of you.


Maelan

Thank you for your very kind words Maelan,

I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

I've been in Melbourne all this week talking to a potential surgeon for my soon to be arranged GCS surgery. In some ways I feel a little like yourself, as you navigate your way through the plethora of feelings, emotions and sensations. I, too, have been confronting the same sensations as I work through the numerous issues of selecting the right the surgeon for such a uniquely private and personal procedure.

As you will soon discover, if you haven't already, this journey consists of a seamlessly never ending series of one major decision after another. So my apologise for not being round.

I'm so proud of you, in your nonce of taking hold of this enormous monster and taming it through a series of well thought through decisions. This journey is an absolute minefield of successes, disasters, and everything in between, just waiting for its sojourner s to make the wrong move and be devoured in an abyss mediocrity and procrastination. Keep doing what you are doing, and keep listening to yourself, and you'll keep we'll clear of that abyss.

Congratulations on validating your existence with such a lovely name. What is nits meaning and derivation? I've looked it up in my limited resources and have been unable to find the details.

Cindy was so right when she spoke about our fragility. Daily positive affirmations and even mantras help build our self confidence and esteem. She was also right about shutting me up  :laugh:  :laugh:  :angel:

Now that I'm back in town, I'll have a look at your blog. I'm sure there is something I can learn from it. Looking forward to hearing more of your therapy experience.

Huggs
Catherine

Catherine,

Why is it you always bring tears to my eyes?  You're the sister who can bring me to tears with THAT LOOK or just the right word.

I was thinking about it today. You and Cindy are definitely the sisters I never had. I love ya both.

I am honored you would read my blog.

I am so happy about your future surgery. Is it soon? You can count on me to be in the cheering section yelling " that's my sis"

Hello Maelan,

Quote from: Maelan on December 20, 2012, 09:42:23 PM
Catherine,

You're the sister who can bring me to tears with THAT LOOK or just the right word.

>:-)   >:-)   Evil ........ Aren't I !!!    :laugh:   :laugh:

Quote from: Maelan on December 20, 2012, 09:42:23 PM
I am so happy about your future surgery. Is it soon? You can count on me to be in the cheering section yelling " that's my sis"

Thank you so much Maelan, that is just so sweet. I really appreciate your kind wishes. I'd be honoured to have you in the cheer squad. Depending on the outcome of my flying visit State side in Feb, will depend on the final date. Hopefully looking for May/June.

Huggs
Catherine

I will be in the stands cheering and celebrating with you.

Dear Maelan,

Quote from: Maelan on December 21, 2012, 11:58:21 PM
I will be in the stands cheering and celebrating with you.

Thank you. That means a lot to me.

Huggs
Catherine

I'll be there with a scalpel and some string to do the job properly.  We just need to make sure the branding iron is nice and warm to cauterise.

Why did you tick the no anaesthesia box?

Oh well take $10 off for the base ball bat.

OMG!!!!! I'm ever so thankful you're in charge of haematology and not gynaecology.

What's the string for?? Are you looking at absailing down the oesophagsis to the site and tying it off from the inside ?? Just so it doesn't drop out on the road one day.

My last, probably dieing request, should you be on the team. Could you PLEASE sharpen the bloody scalpel this time??

I'll keep the base ball bat, if you don't mind. I'll need something to play with during the (hopeful) recovery.

I didn't tick the anaesthesia box 'cause I didn't think it could be worse than the tumultuous floggings and brandings I received from the South Oz contingent to date. Let me know if I'm wrong.

And don't let down the tyres on the gurney this time. It's NOT funny. You know RACV or RASA don't do veterinary clinic calls. (I assume that where you're doing it. After all I don't want to put you to all the time and effort in clearing down your breakfast table or sink)

Love
Catherine

New TV show?
There is a group of highly trained professionals that screwed up operations before but made a lot of money from them. They are very bad at what they do and they are in hiding from the tax office.

When you need it done cheap, call the C team.

They may find you, if so spread 'em


Hannibal Cindy lights a cigar and chokes.

Forgot she doesn't smoke.


Did you steal my pills?

Scalpels? Are we supposed to use those? I find an old Swiss Army knife does the job..

I love my family here. Never a dull moment ( or knife)

Quote from: kelly_aus on December 22, 2012, 04:41:26 AM
Scalpels? Are we supposed to use those? I find an old Swiss Army knife does the job..

Dear Nurse Kelly,

Can you please leave the Swiss Army out of this. It's supposed to be a very private and personal procedure. I don't want to be frog marched up Wakefield St at the crack of dawn in the middle of peak hour traffic, thank you.

And if you can't find a blunt scalpel, I'm sure there are plenty of shearers clippers in the out back somewhere or even an opal pick from Cooper Pedy will do. Just get the bloody job done before I'm totally embarrassed.

Huggs
Catherine

P.S. apologises to you Maelan for hi jacking your blog. The South Australian Mafia have a tendency of taking over sometimes.  :police:   :laugh:

Family is family and I expect nothing less than genuine authenticity from everyone. I'm loving it.

I just finished rereading the entire topic and it still brings tears to my eyes. I hope I never forget what a special place this is. I know I will never forget everyone here. This is home and a safe place for everyone who comes here. All of you are my family and I love you with all my heart and soul. I'm a lucky girl.

Quote from: Maelan on January 18, 2013, 02:31:46 PM
I just finished rereading the entire topic and it still brings tears to my eyes. I hope I never forget what a special place this is. I know I will never forget everyone here. This is home and a safe place for everyone who comes here. All of you are my family and I love you with all my heart and soul. I'm a lucky girl.

It is ........ isn't it!!

Thank you Susan