Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So that I take it out of the closet and cut off its power supply which is privacy and shame.

I think I've read that others on here suffer from this problem, and it would make sense given the lack of connection/shame we associate with our genitals.

Anyway, I suffer from extreme paruresis. Shy bladder. There are times I can't go in my own home if my parents or siblings are home or if I know someone is waiting on me. Even the fear of someone seeing me go into a bathroom (gender neutral or not) destroys me. I have to know 100% that there is absolutely no one around, that no one will walk in on me, that no one will try to come in. There must be absolutely no noise. Even a sudden creak, moaning pipe, or running water sound can halt everything. I have to know that I don't have to be somewhere in like 15 minutes or less (it can literally take me upwards of 15 minutes to initiate urination). 

This problem emerged when I was going through puberty, and at the same time my problem with my gender occurred as well. I had always preferred to go sitting down, but then, I think one day I developed this fear that the other boys would make fun of me if they heard me going but saw me sitting. I don't really know. It was such a long time ago. It just sucks so bad.

I feel unable to work as many hours as I would want to because I know I can't use the bathroom at work. I can't travel. I hate driving long distances.

This is even one of the reasons I would be afraid to have the surgery. What if the doctor does it but it makes it worse, and I can never urinate again. Or what if my inability to urinate normally interferes with the healing process. I would be so afraid of that first urination after the surgery that I think I don't even want to go there.

I have tried exposure therapy. I've tried listening to music. I've tried the breath holding technique. I've recently begun telling all my friends about it. And now here I am, telling the digital world about it. I'm exhausted. Nothing has worked, and I feel utterly and totally defeated by it. 

I don't think the surgery would make it harder for you.

Have you tried talking to a therapist?

I'd be surprised if a surgeon was prepared to treat you until you have that sorted out, though it won't cause you any problems as such since you're generally given a catheter.

But you do need to sort it. Therapy can help. Good quality pads can as well.

But it needs to be sorted regardless of what you do.

When I was I kid and constantly bullied, I was hurled and launched away when I was using a vertical urinary because the damn bully did not want to wait. I was not able to use a public bathroom properly until I was 20, and it is still difficult. I can only used closed stalls, and if the lock is working properly. I learned to wait more than 6-7 hours without peeing and reduce my intake of liquids.

At 12 we went on a day trip with the class and I had to use a public bathroom again for the first time. It took me so much time that everybody was teasing me when I came out (And I could only pour a few drops).


Things got worse paruresis style in 2004. I was just out of the ER and back in  a recovery room. It was the time before the restriction on visitors was established. I had not been able to pee since before the surgery. Now I was weak, needing to pee in a room full of more than eight visitors, and I was given that thing they call a "Rabbit". I just could not. As if I did not have enough issues usually, like to do it with eight people. I spent all the night trying to do it, and failed. The next day I could not take it any more.


So, Here it goes. I guess this is the moment when the victim reunites all the courage and overcomes the fear. Isn't it? It is not. I could not go. The nurse tried everything, even letting the water run. In the end the only solution was to have a catheter inserted in my penis. The shame and feeling of helplessness reached even new levels. When one day later it was removed and I was able to walk, I had to spent two or three days with pain for peeing. Probably it was a bit infected.


After that, I lost the capacity for holding that long. The experience of keeping it for so much time had been so terrible that whenever I moved tracking a bathroom with a good door was mandatory. But at least I can use them.


So how are things now? I still won't use a vertical urinary, but simply because I don't consider them hygienic. If the stall lock is broken, it still takes me more time since I cannot relax, but the worst... I will decline offers for going on trips or to the mountain depending on the availability or restrooms. I have tried it. I may get like 500 metres or more away from the group, looking for a secluded spot and... 100 kilometres of wood and somebody has to come in that precise moment. I don't drink on festivities because I can't pee on the street.

Yup, it's quite awful. Now I am remembering things I had forgotten. Probably there is a tipping point that helps you move forward. Mine was a freaking catheter. never again.



PS: Oh wait, there was that ocassion. It was a bachelor party in a country village with free all the "booze you can drink". I was too drunk and decided to leave when my bladder was at the limit. The walk home was 10 minutes, slowed down by erratic walking. In the end I found a wall covered by darkness and did it there, uninhibited, on the open, watching the stars. I was never so happy when I went home and entered bed. At the next morning I realized two things: some of the pee went to my shoes. I had been peeing in an old abandoned cemetery.

hippolover and Apple Seed,

I am so sorry to hear that urinating can be so acute a situation, didn't even know it was a symptom with a name. All my life I have had shy bladder but nothing close to what you experience. Running water, I rarely have to resort to but I thought it might be a suggestion. In a public washroom even with a friend at a stand up stall, I mostly have trouble getting started & have to wait until they leave. If other people are around I will go to a stall and sit. I never worry if someone can tell if I am sitting for all they know I am having a bowel movement, that is what you do. At home quite often I sit to urinate as it is more comfortable. Even at home with the urge to urinate standing, it doesn't start immediately sometimes, I may have to relax and wait perhaps as much as a minute to start. I only tell people if they have had to wait for me. I have had two hernia operations, so I know what it is like trying to get going with discomfort in the genital area, purging doesn't stop. I haven't felt my situation serous enough to go to my GP. It is good to know that the medical field has help in this regard. I hope there is a solution to allow you to be free flowing (puns unintentional, just how my mind expressed the thoughts). I empathize with you and best of luck.

Jamie