Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So, I was curious...how do you go about the dating scene after transition? I know it's a bad idea to go stealth, so how DO you get back into the saddle?

Darned if I know. I've only dated a few people in my entire life and haven't done any since I was 30. I  think I've gotten so used to being alone that I don't know if I can ever give anyone a chance at this point.

Have you tried? It only worries me because I want a family one day.

Quote from: Lstanford on December 06, 2012, 08:59:38 PM
So, I was curious...how do you go about the dating scene after transition? I know it's a bad idea to go stealth, so how DO you get back into the saddle?

Why is it a bad idea for someone to live a stealth lifestyle again?

Simple date and have fun.  I think it is important that whoever you dating first knows your identity as a woman not a trans woman. It makes it easier for when things get serious and you may need to tell your partner.  On the other hand I know a lot of girls that don't tell. They spent a lot of money and went through hell to be known and accepted as a woman why throw that away. It's your choice but I say date and have fun first.

Because its difficult for a trans guy to pass in the intimate aspect of a relationship if they're stealth.
And trans guy, not girl hehe

So, as a significant other, I say go for it and don't look back!
I'm a cis woman and my boyfriend is FtM, but he hasn't transitioned in any way (however he already masculine in features and the way he dresses). As for my sexuality I'm not sure what I identify with (that's for a different discussion though). But I did identify as a lesbian when I first met hit, and only within the past few months has he come out as trans and is looking to start his transition.
Trust me, our relationship is no walk in the park, but what relationship ever is? We have our ups and downs like any other couple, and sometimes it is related to him being trans and the struggles he faces and my role during his transition.

I see no problem with going stealth, but, it's my belief that if you do find someone that you are truly in love with and has committed themselves to a relationship with you for YOU, then eventually whether you tell them you're trans or not, they'll still love you. I never thought I'd be with a trans guy, and be so in love, but it happens, and it happened to me. And I wouldn't change that for the world. You have to put yourself out there though.

I know putting yourself out there is easier said than done, but it's a step. Even if you go on one silly date with someone, at least you'll know what it feels like and you can see how to act in the future. (This goes for anyone getting into the dating scene, not just someone who's trans). Do not ever underestimate yourself, or the fact that there are billions of people in this world, and one was meant for you.

No matter what, just please remember, we accept the love we think we deserve. Don't let anyone take advantage of your kindness, or your vulnerability of being back in the dating game. Don't sell yourself short, because whatever you think you deserve, you probably deserve even better.

Sometimes when we step outside of our boundaries, we surprise ourselves and others as well. No matter how old, no matter what stage in life you are in, anything is possible.

good luck!
xoxo

Quote from: Lstanford on December 08, 2012, 05:57:58 PM
Because its difficult for a trans guy to pass in the intimate aspect of a relationship if they're stealth.
And trans guy, not girl hehe

I would be stealth to anyone I got close enough to know they might somehow end up in my pants.
I haven't even considered dating as an option for me until I at least had top surgery.
But yeah, that's just me.

Quote from: JasonRX on December 08, 2012, 10:10:16 PM
I would be stealth to anyone I got close enough to know they might somehow end up in my pants.
I haven't even considered dating as an option for me until I at least had top surgery.
But yeah, that's just me.

When the pants come off however, how do you explain that? If one has had bottom surgery, the results still aren't perfect. The only other option is packing, and I'm sure it's hard to go stealth and pack.

Quote from: Lstanford on December 08, 2012, 10:17:17 PM
When the pants come off however, how do you explain that? If one has had bottom surgery, the results still aren't perfect. The only other option is packing, and I'm sure it's hard to go stealth and pack.

I would tell them beforehand?
I think I should be able to trust someone before I tell them and if they aren't okay with it, that's fine, because in this life time, that isn't the person I'd need to have in my life anyway.
I'm honestly not all that okay with who I am and would give anything to be cis, but that's life, I guess.

I'm stealth, but I'm not on the dating scene right now and I do pack. There are the options of prostheses too for people who can afford something a bit closer to real thing before surgery.

Quote from: JasonRX on December 08, 2012, 10:35:47 PM
I would tell them beforehand?
I think I should be able to trust someone before I tell them and if they aren't okay with it, that's fine, because in this life time, that isn't the person I'd need to have in my life anyway.
I'm honestly not all that okay with who I am and would give anything to be cis, but that's life, I guess.

I'm stealth, but I'm not on the dating scene right now and I do pack. There are the options of prostheses too for people who can afford something a bit closer to real thing before surgery.

That's a good way of putting it. Here's what my thought process is: most transguys meet their significant other while they're still female and they're both lesbian. So if this is true, shouldn't a transguy should have no problem finding a straight woman?

Quote from: JasonRX on December 08, 2012, 10:35:47 PM
I would tell them beforehand?
I think I should be able to trust someone before I tell them and if they aren't okay with it, that's fine, because in this life time, that isn't the person I'd need to have in my life anyway.
I'm honestly not all that okay with who I am and would give anything to be cis, but that's life, I guess.

I'm stealth, but I'm not on the dating scene right now and I do pack. There are the options of prostheses too for people who can afford something a bit closer to real thing before surgery.

I agree 100%. No matter what it is significant that you disclose to whoever you're dating, you should trust them. Not only saves them being hurt, but you too.
Maybe there's a fear of having the person feel like you "tricked" them? But any girl who leaves on account of not being told something that isn't her right to know in the first place, probably isn't the one anyway. And sometimes it just takes time for some people to come around or get over the shock of knowing.

I see no problem with being stealth. Save yourself the heart ache and stress of telling every single person you date. You never know who will be the one, but why open up so deeply about something that doesn't define you if the person isn't the one? Or isn't even able to try and understand.

And even if you trust her and decide to tell her, and you stay together, one day things may not work out. But at least you'll know you didn't throw around something personal with someone who didn't even make it far enough for you to tell them in the first place.

Quote from: Lstanford on December 08, 2012, 10:44:02 PM
That's a good way of putting it. Here's what my thought process is: most transguys meet their significant other while they're still female and they're both lesbian. So if this is true, shouldn't a transguy should have no problem finding a straight woman?

What?  Not really.  First as a "woman" looking for a woman who likes women, it's going to be way easier to find that than as a man (with abnormal for a male genitals) who likes women to find a woman who likes men.  And not all trans men are straight.  A good number were into men before transitioning and still are into men.

Quote from: Lstanford on December 08, 2012, 10:44:02 PM
That's a good way of putting it. Here's what my thought process is: most transguys meet their significant other while they're still female and they're both lesbian. So if this is true, shouldn't a transguy should have no problem finding a straight woman?

I've dated both straight identifying and bisexual identifying girls before.
The market for lesbians is completely different than it is for men looking for women, so it's not the same thing.
I haven't dated since being on testosterone, but that's more of a personal choice.
However, as long as you know how to pick up women (if that's what you're looking for), I don't see how dating someone would be a problem as long as they try to keep an open mind, are compassionate, understanding, etc.
& I think those are the types of things you really should be normally looking for in a person you decide to date anyway.

Quote from: wheat thins are delicious on December 08, 2012, 10:49:53 PM
What?  Not really.  First as a "woman" looking for a woman who likes women, it's going to be way easier to find that than as a man (with abnormal for a male genitals) who likes women to find a woman who likes men.  And not all trans men are straight.  A good number were into men before transitioning and still are into men.

So it's easier for a woman who likes women to find a woman who likes women before transitioning?

Quote from: Lstanford on December 08, 2012, 10:53:53 PM
So it's easier for a woman who likes women to find a woman who likes women before transitioning?

You're not a woman if you're a man, dude.
I think that was his point.
If you want to date on the lesbian market now, that's your choice, but if you see yourself as a guy, you're not only lying to the person you're dating, but to yourself.

Quote from: JasonRX on December 08, 2012, 10:55:44 PM
You're not a woman if you're a man, dude.
I think that was his point.
If you want to date on the lesbian market now, that's your choice, but if you see yourself as a guy, you're not only lying to the person you're dating, but to yourself.

I do refer to myself as a male. I just find the explanation a little confusing.

Quote from: JasonRX on December 08, 2012, 10:55:44 PM
You're not a woman if you're a man, dude.
I think that was his point.
If you want to date on the lesbian market now, that's your choice, but if you see yourself as a guy, you're not only lying to the person you're dating, but to yourself.

yes this. 
What I'm saying is that these two things (living as a lesbian and dating women who are also lesbians vs living as a man and dating women who like men) are not the same.

I mean really honestly I do not understand your original statement

Quote from: Lstanford on December 08, 2012, 10:44:02 PM
most transguys meet their significant other while they're still female and they're both lesbian. So if this is true, shouldn't a transguy should have no problem finding a straight woman?

I mean why would he have "no problem" finding a straight woman?

Quote from: Lstanford on December 08, 2012, 10:53:53 PM
So it's easier for a woman who likes women to find a woman who likes women before transitioning?

I would say not necessarily. My ex was FTM and I'm MTF and when we started dating I identified as a genderqueer gay boy. He had only dated women up until that point and I had only dated cis men. So it was an interesting match.

Here's the thing. A lot of people report losing their original partners from before transitioning because for a lot of people gender does matter. I think people generally have a better chance of dating and finding a partner when they are more secure with their self in any way - which includes living and presenting as their true gender.

For me, I was shocked to find that once I started transitioning I feel I've had a hell of a lot more interest as a pre-op, early HRT trans woman than I ever did as a gay man. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am more confident now and better able to relate to people as I truly am.

My advice as another young person. Focus on your transition - but get out there and meet as many people as possible. Platonically or otherwise. That's what ups your chances. And if you think online dating is something you can be okay with - do that. There are plenty of people on dating sites who won't necessarily care about your trans status.

Lstanford......you NEED to identify as the person you feel you are on the inside.  If you're a man be a man, don't worry about how easy it is for a lesbian to pick up a girl or vice versa, because are you a lesbian?.  NO you are a straight man (I'm guessing here). The point is approach dating as that man.  I am a cisfemale & straight, and I see NO problem with the stealth life at all, in fact why is it even stealth? If you're a man then you're not hiding anything; you're only being who you are.  As far as disclosure before intimacy, well yeah I'm sure the girl may wonder what's up if you don't say anything and just drop pants RIGHT before you are intimate.  My opinion is this(and it's only an opinion!!) You date like any other man, to have fun and enjoy being around that girl, if you feel like you're ready to be intimate then you approach the subject.  By this point in the relationship you are going to know if they'd be open to you as a person, and love you for YOU.  I mean really if a girl is only with you because of what you may or may not have between your legs, whatever they need to grow up. Dating is hard in any situation, and I can only imagine how hard it is for guys to always have to ask someone out, as I'm sure percentage wise more often than not the guy does the asking.  Just remember you have to take a chance, if you do nothing then you get no where.

Quote from: spring0721 on December 13, 2012, 11:51:50 AM
Lstanford......you NEED to identify as the person you feel you are on the inside.  If you're a man be a man, don't worry about how easy it is for a lesbian to pick up a girl or vice versa, because are you a lesbian?.  NO you are a straight man (I'm guessing here). The point is approach dating as that man.  I am a cisfemale & straight, and I see NO problem with the stealth life at all, in fact why is it even stealth? If you're a man then you're not hiding anything; you're only being who you are.  As far as disclosure before intimacy, well yeah I'm sure the girl may wonder what's up if you don't say anything and just drop pants RIGHT before you are intimate.  My opinion is this(and it's only an opinion!!) You date like any other man, to have fun and enjoy being around that girl, if you feel like you're ready to be intimate then you approach the subject.  By this point in the relationship you are going to know if they'd be open to you as a person, and love you for YOU.  I mean really if a girl is only with you because of what you may or may not have between your legs, whatever they need to grow up. Dating is hard in any situation, and I can only imagine how hard it is for guys to always have to ask someone out, as I'm sure percentage wise more often than not the guy does the asking.  Just remember you have to take a chance, if you do nothing then you get no where.

Thank you, I've never quite looking at it that way even though its simple. I shouldn't have to and I don't want to hide who I am. No one should have to.

Quote from: Lstanford on December 13, 2012, 05:27:44 PM
Thank you, I've never quite looking at it that way even though its simple. I shouldn't have to and I don't want to hide who I am. No one should have to.

Great attitude to have/adopt, plus I have to tell you that as you get older you I don't know if you grow into yourself more or just become more confident in who you are in general.....teenage years can be really hard, so you'll have a one up on everyone else if you think this way already at 16. take it from someone who is almost twice your age(30 )!....gosh it killed me to say that :)

Quote from: spring0721 on December 13, 2012, 05:50:52 PM
Great attitude to have/adopt, plus I have to tell you that as you get older you I don't know if you grow into yourself more or just become more confident in who you are in general.....teenage years can be really hard, so you'll have a one up on everyone else if you think this way already at 16. take it from someone who is almost twice your age(30 )!....gosh it killed me to say that :)

I can't wait to be out of these immature years! I tend to surround myself with adults anyway.

Gods help me if I end up back on the dating scene. A pre-everything pansexual transman is going to be a bit of a tricky one.

Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on December 13, 2012, 06:22:10 PM
Gods help me if I end up back on the dating scene. A pre-everything pansexual transman is going to be a bit of a tricky one.

There's people out there that will accept anyone for who they are:)

Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on December 13, 2012, 06:22:10 PM
Gods help me if I end up back on the dating scene. A pre-everything pansexual transman is going to be a bit of a tricky one.

Aethan, I second what lstanford just said: there is someone for everyone.  you're too great of a person, even if you are on the dating scene again one day, you'll be snapped up like a hotcake! :) no worries.

Quote from: Lstanford on December 13, 2012, 06:12:00 PM
I can't wait to be out of these immature years! I tend to surround myself with adults anyway.

I know, high school can be so juvenile.  I actually even really enjoyed high school, but looking back, it's like it's just one big awful gossip/backstabbing fest....I'm not sure when things really begin to change I'm guessing really maybe around the 21-23 year mark people really start to grow up...but if you go into the military instead of straight into college, I think you'll probably prefer that as you sound pretty mature for your age.....skip that 18/19 year old college drama :)

You're both very sweet.

Aww thank you!
And I'll hit the college drama once I do go after transitioning of course haha