Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm Karen, maybe. Actually I chose this name years ago on a whim because I needed a female name for support group meetings. I'm not sure I like it.

My earliest memories were of trying to remove my extra appendage. Luckily I wasn't fond of pain, so I never did anything that caused any permanent damage. I continued to do this through elementary school anyway. While I did have guy friends, almost all of my friends at this time were girls. I never really liked playing with dolls though, so that's where the guy friends came in for riding bikes and stuff. Life was great, that is, until 4th grade. Suddenly a segration started happening in the lunch room between boys and girls. Despite having tried to remove my appendage, I still believed I was a boy, so I sat with them. They wouldn't allow it and I got up to go sit with the girls, who also wouldn't allow it. I spent the rest of elementary school eating lunch alone. Most nights, I prayed that I'd wake up as a girl. To this day, I get nervous about cafeterias, wondering if I'll have someone that lets me sit with them.

At this point, I went into full-on portray as a man mode. Starting in middle school, I hung out with the wrong crowd and my grades went from straight A's to straight F's. I ended up in therapy. I knew what the problem was, but I was ashamed, so I never told the therapist or my mother. I started weight-lifting around this time too, but could never bulk up. In reality, I always held back because I didn't want to get too masculine if there was any chance I could one day be a woman.

By high school, I started doing more things that I really didn't like. I joined marching band because my father was in the band and I wanted him to be proud. All he did was pick on me for not being as good as him. So I joined wrestling, and despite being one of the absolute worst wrestlers in the history of the school, I pushed through it for 4 years of hell. It wasn't good enough. I joined JROTC as well and excelled at it, still no good.

After high school, I enlisted in the Marines. I still wasn't good enough. I got my class A CDL to drive tractor trailers. I was still not tough enough. I tried skydiving, but I was still a wuss. I was repeatedly reminded by my very abusive and homophobic father that my mother messed me up because I wasn't tough enough. No matter what I did to portray myself as masculine, it just wasn't happening. I have a gay uncle that's not allowed over my dad's house because he gets beat up when he tries to visit. I'm not allowed to have long hair because it's not masculine. I'm not allowed to show any emotion except anger. I've grown up in fear of this man and I still am terrified of him to this day, at nearly 40 years old. How to handle him if I go full-time is a topic in every therapy session I've ever had and I still don't know how to handle it. I find it strange that he married a woman that's tougher than most men I've ever met in my life, yet I'm not allowed to cross the boundary the way she did. It was shortly after my truck driving career attempt that I discovered the internet and found that transition was not only possible, but that other people had done it. I was very thankful that I failed to remove my appendage when I found out that it was necessary for surgery.

So here I am. I've had enough of being miserable to keep everybody else happy. I'm taking it slow. I'm building up my wardrobe and now have nearly half my wardrobe as female. I spend several days as a woman from the time I wake up till the time I go to bed. I work on makeup every day, trying to get it right. I work on my voice every night. I'm avoiding stylists at all costs while I grow my hair long, yet again. The last one cut off way too much, even after I told her that I was trying to grow it long. I've been doing electrolysis and therapy and will have my first support group meeting in over 10 years, in less than a week. I don't know if transition is in my future, but I know that the only time I ever look in the mirror is for shaving because I don't like what I see. I know that I'm happy in girl mode and miserable in male mode. I know that I can't continue this way. I'm not suicidal and could never actually do that, but I do have several times where I go to bed and hope I won't wake up.

I can relate to a lot of how you feel and I'm glad you are making some progress to wherever you are going. I know what I want and I'm moving that direction but not sure how far I can actually make it. I can't imagine that I can keep my high profile job if I go too far but if the GID causes some sort of "break down" then I wouldn't be able to do my job either.

I certainly wish you well on your journey, wherever it may lead you. If you need someone to chat with, feel free to email mo or PM me.

Thanks.

Sorry for putting this in the wrong place. I just now realized that there was an introduction forum, but I can't move it.

Wish you all the best with finding yourself  - as for moving the thread - am sure one of the mods would love to help you...

Hi Karen,

I moved you to Introductions.

You are very very welcome here and I think many of us share your story in some way.

But you are safe here, you are with a family that loves you and that you can be honest with a depend on.

The first thing to realise is that there is nothing wrong with you, you are not a sissy or weak or cowardly. You are a very normal being who sounds as if they are TG or at least struggling with sexual identity and gender issues.

It is a very badly kept secret that there are about 9000 other people here with the same or similar problems. We are from all around the world, in every facet of society. And we care.

Most of us are very normal, you will meet the weird ones as well, mainly Americans who live in Boston and have fixations about pi. All will be revealed.

There are course another mob who are totally off the planet and they are the Australians.

It sounds as if you are working towards looking after your self. If you want to talk about future plans and places to go feel free.

I think you will have to escape from your rather toxic father to be safe as I doubt that he will accept you as his daughter . Which is sad because you sound one hell of a girl. You should be extremely proud of yourself. You have volunteered to serve for your country and you are a brave and resourceful woman.

Many of us seek help through therapists who can guide us into making decisions in our life. They don't or shouldn't tell you to do anything they guide you.

To put it into perspective I came her in Nov 2008 as a terrified little boy who didn't know how to face her life.

I'm know living and working full time as me. I have had no problems and I treated as a totally normal woman. I love my life. I am now off depression medication - as I no longer suffer depression. And I look forward to each day.

You can too.

Hugs and Welcome

Cindy (Oh ye I'm an Aussie as well :laugh:)

Pleased to meet you, Karen.  I'm in southern California.

I was just today talking with a friend here about a song lyric that I try to keep in mind:

But it's alright now
I've learned my lesson well
You know, you can't please everyone
So you've got to please yourself

Thanks all and thanks Cindy for moving the thread.

I'm probably one of the weird ones, but I'm not from Boston. I have, however, read entire books dedicated to the mathematical Pi and infinity.

I know I'm definitely TG, but I have doubts about my motives. Obviously my upbringing raises questions about whether this is real or an escape route. I'm expecting the combination of getting out an about via support groups and therapy to help answer those questions. There's also the question of whether this is real and fear of my father is what's holding me back.

If a transition is in the future, I'm hopefully lucky in my career. I work from home 100% at the moment, but it is for a government contractor. All I have is my experience, no degree. And looking at the current costs of education, I can't afford it. So I really would need my work history to follow me. If it comes to that, hopefully an in place transition would be possible.

I know I have to walk away from my father, my therapist knows, and my family knows, but it's hard. He's very manipulative as is his wife. Whenever I try to walk away, he guilts me back in through other family members, so I either need to learn how to not be manipulated by him, or I need to sever those ties too. I have over 60 family members on just his side of the family that still all come together for holidays. I really don't want to lose that, although family dinners will forever be a thing of the past because he's always there.

Oh Dear Karen,

I can see a mirror darkly.

My family was different they rejected me but that was OK. I'm highly intelligent unless you ask any of my friends here who will howl derision. I love them all.

I realised I could never ever ever go FT. I struggled with hiding and then creeping out in the dark. Big breakthroughs, my sister in law taking me for dinner. My fear my dread, read my past..

I'm one of the most highly qualified people in my area in my city.

Of course I can go FT, every newspaper wants it.

I did after many many long hours and the result was???? No one gave a s**t. Ahmm sorry Cindy what was that? I walked into my first meeting with the minister of health my immediate supervisor and groups of bean counters and said. I can't take this budget. Who are you I'm XXXXDX I'm having a sex change and your budget is crap I can't run with it.
Last time it has been mentioned.

Has it been difficult?

Honestly?

No at all.

Getting to the point was difficult, very very hard. Plucking up the courage. Nightmares very hard.

Doing it when I was ready? Easy.

Now totally at ease. I have been totally out for 6? months. No one gives a damn.

Least of all me.

I have a life.

I love it.

Don't get me wrong. The only person in my family that knows is my mother. She seems accepting, but always kinda sweeps it under the carpet, like she forgets the second I walk out the door. As traditional as my father's family is, I'd find it hard to believe if I didn't lose at least about 70% of them. My mother's side is just as religious, but they tend to be more accepting, at least to peoples' faces, so it's hit or miss there.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I hope I have that kind of courage if the time comes. It's weird. I have over 100 solo freefall skydives under my belt, but I'm afraid to walk outside in a dress.

I'm trying to learn not to be so analytical with everyday things. I end up overthinking everything and getting worried about something that hasn't even happened yet.

You know what you need to do?

A dress and  skydive.


I think where I come from it called Fukem.

C

Hi Karen, :icon_wave:

Welcome to our little family. Over 9250 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS ) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-8.gif&hash=d9498942f8bbb4bf3ad29af75944ea5e1135c6fa)

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fanimations.fg-a.com%2FBack412a.gif&hash=a9ae4e4ae245e02788d56f99a8c4cedb2f27f18c)
  
• Reputation Rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.msg146855.html#msg146855)
  
• Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
  

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-5.gif&hash=cfc7a68438be4575d8493dfbe65d1b3586f10b81)
Janet  (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fcommons%2F3%2F32%2FPentacle_1.svg&hash=99e763d33bc5c4d79014cb34bf6acb3dfec8befb)

Hi Karen ,

Another big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

Looking back on your achievements; sky diving and all; you'll find, will place you in good stead for your transition, should you consider going there. Transition itself, is like a leap of faith that you use on your first sky dive.

As you become more use to the new you, you'll quickly discover that if someone can't/won't understand you; that is THEIR problem, not yours. Leaving you free to continue doing what you've started.

Oh yes. Beware of window sills. They are known to have lots of 3.4145's on them. Probably to match the tea in their harbour. (Dearie me!! She's not in yet. Must be cooking an apple 3.4145.)

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

What's a 3.4145?

Quote from: Karen on December 10, 2012, 08:44:13 AM
What's a 3.4145?

Aaaarrr. Yes the great mystery of the 3.4145. We actually have a resident sage, who's great and mighty wisdom may befall us soon. She is well crafted in the dynasty of 3.4145 that none of us mere mortals dare even attempt to divine such wisdom, for shuddering fear from the 3.4145 grand mistress.

Please be patient as she's probably caught up dredging the harbour of used tea leaves. Seems they had a little accident in their harbour a while back. In the meantime, just beware when passing under window sills.

Huggs
Catherine

Welcome, Karen! I'm glad to hear you're on the road to making yourself happier!

Hi, Karen, it's nice to meet you! Sorry I'm late, and smell like tea, I was cleaning the Harbour. How about a nice piece of Pi (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,120799.0.html) ? Hugs, Devlyn

Karen,

I am so glad I had the chance to read about you. I am sitting on the couch, weeping, and trying to see the keyboard so I could post this message. I weep because I know some of the pain you feel. I also admit that my past is still sensitive sometimes.

I had a very controlling father who had a tremendous amount of control over me. His favorite weapon was guilt and it worked for many years. Many years ago, I called him, during a time when I was contemplating suicide. All he said was " imagine how your mother will feel", then he sent me to California for a week and encouraged me to move away if it helped.

My favorite, and one that may have relevance was him vowing to disown and kick me out of the house if he thought I was queer.  I was 16.

Years pass, I grow and change, I gain strength from good people.  My day of freedom happened the day I shutdown one of his guilt trips and told him that he was not welcome in my life until I saw clear evidence he has changed his abusive ways.  That day, I was born. I was free, I was alive. It was also the day I quit biting my nails.

The relationship with my father never got better. He died a sad, lonely and angry man.  His choice, not mine.  My life is amazing. It is my life, not his. My anger and shame are gone.

I truly hope you can find the strength to reach out and grab your life too. I guarantee you will not regret it.

Please feel free to reach out, anytime.

Quote from: quietnightlover on December 11, 2012, 08:58:43 PM
I am so glad I had the chance to read about you. I am sitting on the couch, weeping, and trying to see the keyboard so I could post this message. I weep because I know some of the pain you feel. I also admit that my past is still sensitive sometimes.

I had the same reaction to your post. It was always a source of shame for me. There are certain things that trip me up that are in nearly every movie or tv show out there. I never knew why I'd end up in tears until a few months ago. Most are things that I never had and wanted. A father and his kids having a good time together. I have zero happy memories with him. Someone in love so much that they risk everything to help them. Unconditional love. And on the flip side, I can't even stay in a room if there's a scene with an emotionally abusive father. I breakdown in uncontrollable tears and get up and walk away. What's odd though is that I have no problem watching scenes with physically abusive fathers even though mine was that way too.

Quote from: quietnightlover on December 11, 2012, 08:58:43 PM
I had a very controlling father who had a tremendous amount of control over me. His favorite weapon was guilt and it worked for many years. Many years ago, I called him, during a time when I was contemplating suicide. All he said was " imagine how your mother will feel", then he sent me to California for a week and encouraged me to move away if it helped.

My favorite, and one that may have relevance was him vowing to disown and kick me out of the house if he thought I was queer.  I was 16.

I am very familiar with the guilt tactic. If he can't get to me directly, he goes through family, which is another source of anguish for me. Knowing that if I can't learn to stop the manipulation, I'm probably going to have to say goodbye too all that family too. They all fear him, just not as much as I do. They fear him enough that if they are his target, then will look for a way to redirect to someone else, then jump on his bandwagon in ridiculing them.

Quote from: quietnightlover on December 11, 2012, 08:58:43 PM
Years pass, I grow and change, I gain strength from good people.  My day of freedom happened the day I shutdown one of his guilt trips and told him that he was not welcome in my life until I saw clear evidence he has changed his abusive ways.  That day, I was born. I was free, I was alive. It was also the day I quit biting my nails.

The relationship with my father never got better. He died a sad, lonely and angry man.  His choice, not mine.  My life is amazing. It is my life, not his. My anger and shame are gone.

I truly hope you can find the strength to reach out and grab your life too. I guarantee you will not regret it.

I hope so too, but I fear that my result as far as a relationship with him will be the same as yours. He was turned into child services by one of my siblings and he used the threat of additional physical abuse to get that sibling to say he was just mad at good old dad. Luckily the abuse now is all emotional, but it was a very thick combination of emotional and physical growing up and that is what makes me anticipate physical violence to this day. Still, he really does believe that he's not abusive and never has been, so me telling him he needs to stop being abusive is just going to piss him off.

I know my life will be better without him because it's already starting to get better since I embraced it instead of fighting to get rid of it. I just need the courage to move forward. That's why I'm taking it slow, although I'm dying to finish this electrolysis and add a bit of speed to things. If I could handle the pain for an all day session, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

A little update that seems rather large to me. I had to actually go into the office this past week, which meant male mode for the whole week. I thought it would really bother me because I was so focused on girl mode before, but it didn't. It actually made me see more clearly. Normally, I'd feel like I need to be a man in male mode and a I need to be a woman in girl mode. It wasn't that way this past week. Even though I actually felt like what I considered masculine, I came to realize that my self image was still that of a woman. It's the first time I've ever felt that way while living on the wrong side of the lie. It's hard to keep stereotypes out of my thought process, but I'm pretty sure I managed to this past week.

I also realized the answer to my sexual orientation confusion. There's no doubt in my mind that I am physically attracted to men. There's also no doubt in my mind that I am emotionally attracted to women. The confusion was that I never had both an emotional and physical attraction to either sex, and I still don't. I guess it kind of makes sense with my gender confusion. My female side is built on emotion, but my physical body is built on touch. It may also be that I'm only really into guys, but the abuse from my childhood makes me distrust men, so I feel an emotional connection with women because they tend to be more nurturing. So yeah, still some confusion there, but not nearly as much as when I started to first post here. Progress!

I think it's really that I've become more open minded over the past several months, so things I felt guilt about before aren't really a source of guilt anymore.

Hi Karen,

Thank you for responding and sharing what you did. We have similarities in our background. This emotional roller coaster is unlike I've ever felt and I'm trying to keep centered as I walk through it all.

I realized something the other day which I find interesting but not sure what significance it has on my emotional state. My first therapy appoint just happens to fall on the one year anniversary of my fathers death. I feel it is more than coincidence and it was an OMG moment for me. 

When my father died last year, I rejected the help of almost everyone, with the exception of my kids, to clean out his belongings and empty his house. I essentially didnit alone, except for the heavy lifting. I wanted to swim in his world so I could understand more. I also wanted to the control over his stuff.  I found the usual things I always knew about him and much much more. I cried many times as  i started to get an understand how broken this man rally was. I felt sorry for him and his friends. I still do.  To the amazement of almost everyone, I threw away almost everything he had. I kept a few things, but not much.  I was the one who buried him, cancel his accounts and put an end to his affairs.  I think the control over his affairs helped me validate him as a broken man and validated the decision I made to disown him.

Hi Karen and welcome to Susan's.  Reading your story I saw parallels to my own.  When I was in my early teens I didn't understand what was wrong with me.  I thought I was simply a crossdressing homosexual, though I never had any homosexual experiences.  Just didn't know what to make of myself.  Anyway,  like you I went into the military and eventually ended up in one of those so-called "elite units", all for the purpose of making a man out of myself.  I actually enjoyed the work, but it was difficult to maintain that manly persona.  I even married to force myself to be a man (though I loved her as well).  Eventually I left the military and I, like you, tried being a truck driver.  Did that for about a year.  Anyway, here I am just trying to maintain my sanity and hoping that I don't let depression get the best of me.  There are good people here and they're willing to help guide you along your path.  Between them and the available resources here, you should get all the help you need (along with that of  a good gender therapist).  Take care.

Thanks. I had my first support group meeting tonight in years and I learned a bit about self-acceptance, that is that I don't have it yet. At home I feel like I do, but I had to show up in male mode and it felt very awkward to identify with a female name in that mode, so I used a male name. Very kind and accepting people though. Looking forward to the next one.

Welcome Karen!

I am a crazy american engineer (obsessed with things relating to pi), although I'm several hours from Boston.

I can't say I relate to you too much as I have hidden my true self away so far, but hopefully will be coming out soon thanks to encouraging words I've read here. I imagine that the people that matter in my life will be supportive, including my parents.

What I can relate to was the quest to prove my masculinity. My clearest memories are points in my life where I pushed through doing things that in my mind would get my thoughts in order so that I could be "normal." I didn't want to disappoint anyone and was ashamed of the way I felt. I know that mindset was so damaging now, I just wish I had known sooner.

You came to a great place for encouragement. I hope that you are successful with your transition.