Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have my own blog to document my journey and I'm ready to move from the introduction section to a more social arena. Baby step two is here.

The past month has been one amazing ride and filled with lots of excitement, many tears, lots questions and few answers. I'm right where I should be, so I've been told.

I can honestly say I've wanted to be a woman for a short time. My journey is not typical, from what I've read and I'm trying my best to keep my eyes, heart and mind open as I explore it.

I've told my parents and one friend, both with mixed reviews. I'm not depressed, freaking out or experiencing big mood swings. For the most part, it's been reasonably pleasant and it does feel natural and good. It's like I've found something I've been missing.

I do know this is important to me and it comes with a lot of tears sometimes. A "new me" is trying to crawl out of the old me and theres no stopping the process. I'm embracing it this time and have no intentions of stuffing my feelings back inside. I've done this all my life, some for self preservation, some because I didn't know how to deal with it, most because I was frightened. NOT ANYMORE!

I have a great therapist, I have good friends here and elsewhere and I'm ready. Im willing to look at this. I know I'm different and I like that in myself.

I started dressing a week or so ago and I felt alive, natural, like Home.  I wear something everyday. I can't go to work without it. I no longer want to wear my man clothing, which presents a problem.... I am shopping and loving it. In the past, I hated shopping. I hated buying clothing for myself.

Today, I am different. Today I am new. 

I'm not afraid anymore and I have you to thank for that.

I must get ready for work now and it's hard. My girl clothes are screaming "wear me" but I must wear a suit and I'm not real happy about it.

"Sometimes we must do what we have to do before we can do what we want to do".........a dear friend taught me that.

Maelan

Hahaha, toootally feel you on the shopping. I rejected it in such a way that I would actually get angry if someone would ask me to accompany them shopping... I never even really cared about clothes or fashion at all- my style was purely about function, only dark muted colors, and boring.

Once I began to come out to myself that ALL changed... And now that I am completely out to myself and close friends I have a shopping PROBLEM. I've been going to Buffalo Exchange so much that they know me by name :) The last time I went there I didn't buy a single piece of mens clothing. I'm pretty sure they expect me to start trying on dresses soon :D

Quote from: Maelan on December 20, 2012, 09:27:57 AM
I started dressing a week or so ago and I felt alive, natural, like I was given something I was missing.  I wear something everyday. I can't go to work with it.

I can't dress at work either, but I've found a way to still bring some of my feminine side with me. Of course I'm only in the office for a week every 6 weeks, but it's still hard for that one week. What I do is I paint my toenails before I go. There's nothing externally to let them know, but I know that I'm still carrying some of it with me. And I can marvel at how pretty they look at night.

Quote from: Jennygirl on December 20, 2012, 10:17:04 AM
I never even really cared about clothes or fashion at all- my style was purely about function, only dark muted colors, and boring.

I did the same thing. Blacks and grays for all of my clothing and even went as far as buying things in a way that made everything fit with everything else. I had 7 days worth of clothes and I just grabbed the next shirt and pants on the rack. It's so nice to mix and match now and to actually have color. Course it brings problems in my living environment, which has zero color and I'd rather spend the money on more clothes than decorating!

I love having my toes painted and have from the first minute I did it. I took it off yesterday because it was getting harder to hide it from the kids while at home. I miss it very much. Its almost like giving up part of myself.   I had a facial last week and the Esthetician commented that my feet were beautiful and I picked the perfect color of red. I've never felt so good.  A woman's toes are meant to be painted!

I'm trying to find a pair of shoes and it's difficult. I'm not a flashy person by nature and finding a pair of 11w simple black flats or short heel is more difficult than I expected. I also want to try a tailored stripped shirt. I'm really enjoying this side of me.

Thank you for the comments on boy clothing. It's hard to dress every morning when you hate everything you MUST wear to stay hidden.

I'm also going through another episode of "my missing boobs".  I look down at myself while wearing a skin tight camisole......nothing!

Try some padded bras.  I wear mine 24/7/365 now.   I even feel like I have, ghost breasts.

On a more serious note, I'm in the midst of my first big doubting phase. The nagging question in my mind is " Why now?  Why would a 53 year old decide he feels better when he imagines living as a woman? Is this an elaborate mid-life crisis? Perhaps a strange fetish? It's somewhat frustrating.

It bothers me, but I must address this. I'm sure it is the first of many doubts I will have.

I also know my interest in dressing has increased although I can't always do it.

Honestly, these thoughts make me a little sad too. I'm missing my painted toes. I gave back something I loved to protect myself from being discovered. I am sad.

Is this fear and I'm not recognizing it?

Quote from: Maelan on December 20, 2012, 09:27:57 AM
I must get ready for work now and it's hard. My girl clothes are screaming "wear me" but I must wear a suit and I'm not real happy about it.

I'm happy that I get to work from home for part of the day, I was surprised at just how much better I'm able to focus when I'm working on "girl mode".

Quote from: Maelan on December 20, 2012, 10:16:07 PM
I also know my interest in dressing has increased although I can't always do it.

This is why I bought new pajamas on cyber-Monday...

Quote from: Maelan on December 20, 2012, 10:16:07 PM
On a more serious note, I'm in the midst of my first big doubting phase. The nagging question in my mind is " Why now?  Why would a 53 year old decide he feels better when he imagines living as a woman? Is this an elaborate mid-life crisis? Perhaps a strange fetish? It's somewhat frustrating.

I think doubts are a natural reaction here.  It's a huge, life altering change and I think that's really scary.  Whenever I think of talking to just one of my friends about it my fear takes over, I somehow convince myself that there is nothing wrong with me, and then my cycle of doubts start all over again.

Quote from: Maelan on December 20, 2012, 09:31:32 PM
I'm trying to find a pair of shoes and it's difficult. I'm not a flashy person by nature and finding a pair of 11w simple black flats or short heel is more difficult than I expected. 

I have the same problem. I'm a 10, which actually fits within the regular range, but I can only find heels that are 4" or higher. The ones that aren't heels don't look good to me and I really don't want to be 6'5".

Quote from: Maelan on December 20, 2012, 10:16:07 PM
On a more serious note, I'm in the midst of my first big doubting phase. The nagging question in my mind is " Why now?  Why would a 53 year old decide he feels better when he imagines living as a woman? Is this an elaborate mid-life crisis? Perhaps a strange fetish? It's somewhat frustrating.

It bothers me, but I must address this. I'm sure it is the first of many doubts I will have.

I also know my interest in dressing has increased although I can't always do it.

Honestly, these thoughts make me a little sad too. I'm missing my painted toes. I gave back something I loved to protect myself from being discovered. I am sad.

Is this fear and I'm not recognizing it?

My question exactly. Why after a half century of being reasonably well-adjusted do I suddenly get this intense feeling that I absolutely MUST live as a female.

My answers:

* I'm suddenly realizing it's possible. I'm meeting many MtFs who are not superhuman, merely ordinary people who are living the way they were intended to live. I've always wanted to be a woman, never before thought it was possible.

* My priorities up until now were different. Establishing a career, getting married, raising my kids. They're now old enough to be independent, my career is established, and now I'm turning to the question of why I've never felt like I fit in.

* I also think there's an evolutionary component. Our minds have a way to keep our transgender secret from ourselves and cloaked in denial until we've cleared the age in which we conceive children. Helps keep a genetic propensity for transgender in the human gene pool.

Or maybe it's just "time"...

Thank you thank you thank you.  Reading your replies makes me tear up.  It's nice to feel validated sometimes.

I'm going to keep shopping until I find a pair of shoes that fit and I like. I feel it's the next missing piece of me..

I'm a loose 10 but it still feels sooooooooo good on me. If I can scoot out of work early today I'm going to try on a pair of 8 jeans and see if I can pull it off.  Darn, of only I had my shoes too.

Quote from: Maelan on December 21, 2012, 08:24:48 AM
I'm going to try on a pair of 8 jeans and see if I can pull it off.

Omg I wish. The first time I got up the courage to buy clothes, I was a 12. Now I'm up to a 16. To be an 8 would be a dream come true.

I guess, no matter the size, it's a matter of us feeling good in whatever we wear. I just know I'm really missing my painted toes. We do what we must. I know this. I suppose I should be happy that I do miss it.

I realize I'm also in cruise mode. Nothing spectacular happening, positive or negative. I'm learning to enjoy these moments. I think it's time when we are allowed to process and catch our breath.

I've discovered shopping. OMGosh.......it's the first time in my life I actually look forward to it. First time ever! That is, as long as I'm shopping for girl clothes. I actually hate the sight of men's clothing and that's rough because I still have to present as male most of the time. 

Agfrommd,

I've read your reply several times and it really resonates with me. I tend to agree with your opinions.

I'm quite surprised how I got to where I am and the amount of peace I'm experiencing with it. I too got and still get the intense feelings to live as a female only. I'm doing things I've never done before. I see the world and people in a different light. I'm so much softer and have more of a need to connect. This has been a fascinating journey so far.

The guy that runs our trans center talks about this all the time. He says that cispeople do not think about transition. Never ever. If you think about this, you are trans PERIOD. Now to what extent, if at all, you transition, that's the question. But you didn't make this stuff up or something. He talks about this being a taboo question that you are just not allowed to ask and it takes some of us longer to ask it. He does these trans101 workshops and he asks cispeople this sort of thing and they never think of it. I think of him as a very wise person.

I do have a friend who is butch who DID ask this stuff, but I think of extreme butch as actually on the trans spectrum.

--Jay

Aleon515,

You make a really good point and that reminds me of something.   For many years, I have looked at certain women and wanted to be like them. Not all, just those who had a unique look and/or style that I admired.

Quote from: aleon515 on December 22, 2012, 02:05:43 AM
The guy that runs our trans center talks about this all the time. He says that cispeople do not think about transition. Never ever. If you think about this, you are trans PERIOD. Now to what extent, if at all, you transition, that's the question. But you didn't make this stuff up or something. He talks about this being a taboo question that you are just not allowed to ask and it takes some of us longer to ask it. He does these trans101 workshops and he asks cispeople this sort of thing and they never think of it. I think of him as a very wise person.

That's a good one. I've never checked the internet for validation of whether I am trans, but I have had thoughts about whether I was not really making it up, but making it seem like it's more important than it is. I did have that thought on orientation though. I found myself doing internet searches to find out if I was gay... and it hit me. Straight people don't ask this question!

You all make me feel so validated and normal.  It's so nice to know how others think and feel about this.

All I can tell for certain is I'm so comfortable when I'm in girl mode or even thinking about it. I've never felt that way before. I also find my personality is a bit more outgoing and confident in girl mode. I find that fascinating and plan to ask my therapist about it.

I'm feeling a bit blue today. I think I just need a hug and a big cry. I've gotten weepy a few times as I think of different things. Usually it's the thought of someone from here giving validation that gets me. I don't even validate myself yet. I'm trying to let my therapist do that so I can feel something is valid. I just want to sort this out. I missing being in girl mode too. I did wear my jeans to work and it felt good, but I wanted more. I want to wear the new shoes and stockings I bought yesterday.

You all seem so normal. HAHA. Now that is a good one, I'll remember it sometime. :-)
Seriously though I think therapy and support groups helped a LOT.
I still think about trans about 24/7. I know I dream about it, because I wake up and think "that was a trans dream".

--Jay

I had a " not trans enough" dream earlier today. I didn't like it. It made me feel like I was being pushed back into the world of the lost.

I'm reaching outside myself and going to consider a support group. I'm really nervous but I am willing to try it.

I love the support group. Funny thing I never liked group therapy or anythign like that, but really like the support groups we have.

--Jay

Thanks Jay,

I'm willing to try anything at this stage. I'm feeling stuck. It's like I'm in the doorway that borders two different worlds.

Quote from: Maelan on December 22, 2012, 11:29:16 PM
I'm reaching outside myself and going to consider a support group. I'm really nervous but I am willing to try it.

Well, I'll give you my experience with the transgender support group I'm in.

When I was first there, I saw myself as genderqueer, but not MtF. As I got to know the women there and listen to them talk about their lives and transitions, I realized that the thing I wouldn't let myself even think about until that time - living my life as a woman - was actually a possibility. I had a "Hey! That's what I want!" type response which took me from someone who was pretty sure transition wouldn't be right for him to someone who is certain she never again wants to live as a man.

I still go there. They have been very supportive and helpful. Your mileage may vary, of course.

Quote from: Maelan on December 22, 2012, 11:29:16 PM
I had a " not trans enough" dream earlier today. I didn't like it. It made me feel like I was being pushed back into the world of the lost.

I'm reaching outside myself and going to consider a support group. I'm really nervous but I am willing to try it.

I was so nervous about my first support group meeting that I didn't dress. I didn't think I passed well enough for it. It was very awkward for me sitting there in male mode and being addressed as female in a room where I was the only one in male mode. It's an opportunity to take your dressing outside of the home. Usually they have a place where you can change on site if traveling in girl mode is an issue. People also like to talk about where they are and past experiences there. In just one night, I heard stories that sounded exactly like my past so much, I came to realize that I was on the right track.

I go to an ftm group and a mixed group which mtf, ftm, genderqueer, parents, spouses, etc all go to. They never assume anything about anybody's gender and ask what pronouns people want to use. When I started, I tried "they" since like AG I considered myself genderqueer. I changed to he later. I could have come in as a she and changed to he later on. OTOH, I suppose things are a bit different if you go to a strictly mtf or ftm group. I actually didn't go to the ftm group until later.

Every so often we have a new person coming to group, coming in looking completely one sex and then see that person become more of what they should be.

--Jay

Thank you everyone. I feel a bit better about it. I'm sure I will be nervous the first time, but it's a start.  Im probably going in my state of girl mode which is from the shoulders down. I'm EXTREMELY nervous and new to makeup and such and have never tried it. I don't even know where to start. I was hoping to wait until my hair grew out more. I love my hair long and it does make me feel more feminine. But, knowing my state of mind, the urge to explore that area will come as naturally as the others did.

I will chat to my therapist about this. She leads a group and probably has some good insight and advice for me.

Quote from: Maelan on December 23, 2012, 07:00:07 PM
Thank you everyone. I feel a bit better about it. I'm sure I will be nervous the first time, but it's a start.  Im probably going in my state of girl mode which is from the shoulders down. I'm EXTREMELY nervous and new to makeup and such and have never tried it. I don't even know where to start. I was hoping to wait until my hair grew out more. I love my hair long and it does make me feel more feminine. But, knowing my state of mind, the urge to explore that area will come as naturally as the others did.

I will chat to my therapist about this. She leads a group and probably has some good insight and advice for me.

I was nervous too. But after awhile, the nervousness went away. People come dressed in all sorts of ways, esp the gals. Everything from dressed totally male to a small little nod to uber femme and everything in between.

--Jay

I am questioning my motivations and hesitant to do anything. I want to. I think of dressing almost constantly and dream of the day when I could dress for a normal day and be the me I want to be. I think I'm frightened and this kind of fear is new to me. The consequences are forefront in my mind. I have a friend who balances it and has advised me on ways to do so. I would die if I ruined my relationship with my children. They are my heart and soul. I've spent the past 22 years parenting them with all I have.

I miss my girl side. I miss her very much. She is strong, compassionate, loving, smart and hard working. I need to embrace her but I'm not sure how to do that. I'm afraid I'm losing her and returning to the emptiness I once felt.

Quote from: Maelan on December 24, 2012, 10:51:37 PM
I would die if I ruined my relationship with my children. They are my heart and soul. I've spent the past 22 years parenting them with all I have.

I feel the same way. Mine are not as old as yours, but it would be devastating if I couldn't be part of their lives.

Luckily for me, it seems we've done a sufficiently good job of teaching them acceptance that they've taken my forays into transgender in stride and have been surprisingly supportive of my preparations for transition. Of course, when full-time comes, who knows how they will react.

Quote from: agfrommd on December 25, 2012, 06:20:55 AM
Luckily for me, it seems we've done a sufficiently good job of teaching them acceptance that they've taken my forays into transgender in stride and have been surprisingly supportive of my preparations for transition. Of course, when full-time comes, who knows how they will react.

You, Maelan, have said before that you remade yourself several times and that this fear of being yourself is not something you're used to. It sounds to me like you've probably already taught them acceptance through your own actions, but I'd still be cautious. I don't have kids, but I have nieces and nephews with a sibling that I spend a great deal of time with. The thought of losing them over this is a major source of fear for me.

Thanks ag & Karen.  That does help calm me down and I will proceed cautiously, that's for sure.

I've been reading through some of Karens blog and I can't get through a single paragraph before I start crying. So much of it speaks to me. It's almost like I'm walking down the path you just walked. I need to read the 14-steps for myself and document what I'm feeling. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, Karen. I don't feel so isolated and alone in my own thoughts, concerns and feelings.

I think I'm in discovery mode. My appetite for information is large.

I was 56 when I put on my first feminine article (I'm 64 now). I went through pretty much the same things you did, Maelan. I felt different all my life but never knew why. I believe I came out late because I was ready and able to handle whatever came my way.

I love the fact that you are open to these experiences. Embrace each moment that you experience. I don't wear male underwear any longer. My wife goes out with me now whereas once she wouldn't be caught dead with me dressed. I'm out with the member s of my church and have an interview of my wife and me on video.

Whichever way you choose to go, enjoy the pleasant moments. Keep seeking and learning.

Thank you Gennee,

Your words of encouragement are most appreciated and helpful. I want with all my heart and soul to enjoy this journey. It's amazing in all it's forms. I want to know me, for once and for real. I want to see myself in the light of truth and act in my best interests.  If I do that, any decision will be the right one. 

Thanks for the support. I trying my best.

Quote from: Maelan on December 25, 2012, 02:14:38 PM
I've been reading through some of Karens blog and I can't get through a single paragraph before I start crying. So much of it speaks to me. It's almost like I'm walking down the path you just walked. I need to read the 14-steps for myself and document what I'm feeling. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, Karen. I don't feel so isolated and alone in my own thoughts, concerns and feelings.

Glad it helped someone. I know they're long. I'm incapable of short posts. I'm misunderstood so much, I find myself repeating things a lot to make sure I'm not, but it never works lol. I like reading detailed accounts of other peoples lives because it helps me to understand mine better. I think that's why I did mine the same way.

Emily,
I like how you express yourself in such detail. It's easy to understand your feelings and it helps the reader too, including myself.

As I struggle to make sense of everything just knowing others have been there really helps me feel a little less isolated.

Thank you.


I like the new name.

I am really enjoying therapy and especially my therapist. I see now why it's so important to find one who has significant TG experience.  She understands what I'm saying and feeling.

I got a bit of validation that's it's okay to enjoy my journey. I guess I wanted to make sure I wasn't crazy.   I am going to enjoy this journey. It's the best ride I've ever been on and gives me a reasons to live a good life.