Susan's Place Transgender Resources

this girl i like felt my binder under my shirt and i told her its my undershirt. she asked why i always wear an undershirt and she doesn't know im trans unless someone else told her. i dont know what to do about  this. should i tell her the truth should i be evasive like i have been or should i do something else.

Aren't undershirts supposed to protect your other clothing from sweat? Just tell her you're a little sweaty if you don't want to tell her the truth.

Quote from: anibioman on December 24, 2012, 05:08:04 PM
this girl i like felt my binder under my shirt and i told her its my undershirt. she asked why i always wear an undershirt and she doesn't know im trans unless someone else told her. i dont know what to do about  this. should i tell her the truth should i be evasive like i have been or should i do something else.

Unless you plan on asking her out it's really nobody's business except yours. Since you said you "like" her I'm assuming you have feelings for her that extends beyond friendship, be careful.

In these cases, the less said the better.  The more you try to explain, the more it seems like a falsehood.  Really it's not that strange of a question.  In response, a cis-male wouldn't even shrug.   

A good answer would be, "Why not?"  If she presses then tell her you layer for warmth or sweat as LearnedHand said. 

If she goes further then that, tell her if she is so interested in what's under your clothing, then you two can find a back room and explore it further.  Say that in a teasing funny way or not. 

When I had to wear one and people would ask, I just shrugged it off and said it was a medical vest cos I had a muscle problem (Which also lay down the groundwork for when I had top surgery to "sort my muscle problem"). Not one person seemed phased, infact atleast 50% of people I said this to, actually went into their own explanation of how they knew this or that person who had something similar and bla bla bla. I hardly needed to say anything :p

Quote from: anibioman on December 24, 2012, 05:08:04 PM
this girl i like felt my binder under my shirt and i told her its my undershirt. she asked why i always wear an undershirt and she doesn't know im trans unless someone else told her. i dont know what to do about  this. should i tell her the truth should i be evasive like i have been or should i do something else.

Even if you do plan on asking her out, it's no one's business but yours.  If she presses it just say you always wear an undershirt, "why not?" like Squirrel suggests is good too.

Quote from: wheat thins are delicious on December 24, 2012, 07:07:34 PM
Even if you do plan on asking her out, it's no one's business but yours.

Dating a straight cis girl who isn't aware is a recipe for a major disaster. It's a lot easier to explain things from the start (and her having a choice to date a transman or not) then to have to defend yourself once everyone thinks you "tried to trick her".

I do wish you the best but High School is tough as it is without being trans. I doubt in your situation I'd get involved with anyone at that school if I wanted to remain stealth. You never know what reaction you're going to get out of someone...even if you think you know them.

Unless they are immediately having sex, casual dating isn't a need to know situation.

Quote from: wheat thins are delicious on December 24, 2012, 08:19:55 PM
Unless they are immediately having sex, casual dating isn't a need to know situation.

Then when exactly is a good time to disclose? Once things are getting deep and feelings are being developed? Things like that are why some trans people end up getting hurt.

Quote from: Simon on December 24, 2012, 08:26:47 PM
Then when exactly is a good time to disclose? Once things are getting deep and feelings are being developed? Things like that are why some trans people end up getting hurt.

When things are going to get sexual.  That will be when I disclose.   When you personally want to disclose is up to you.

Quote from: wheat thins are delicious on December 24, 2012, 08:34:02 PM
When things are going to get sexual.  That will be when I disclose.   When you personally want to disclose is up to you.

Agreed. I wouldn't say anything until it became a sexual relationship, and even then I'd probably avoid the trans thing as best I could. I have a full-shirt style binder so I'd probably just leave it on and turn off the lights. And as far as downstairs bits I'd go along the 'faulty equipment due to past medical disaster/car wreck/assorted dangerous activity' line. Oh those? They got bitten off by a dingo when I was a kid, haha *ahem*

Quote from: wheat thins are delicious on December 24, 2012, 08:34:02 PM
When you personally want to disclose is up to you.

That is true but it is also good to warn others of possible complications. As I said, in his situation I wouldn't date anyone in the same school I went to. It is his choice of course but it could also end up making the rest of his High School years unbearable if it goes sour.

Quote from: Biscuit_Stix on December 24, 2012, 08:51:34 PM
Agreed. I wouldn't say anything until it became a sexual relationship, and even then I'd probably avoid the trans thing as best I could. I have a full-shirt style binder so I'd probably just leave it on and turn off the lights. And as far as downstairs bits I'd go along the 'faulty equipment due to past medical disaster/car wreck/assorted dangerous activity' line. Oh those? They got bitten off by a dingo when I was a kid, haha *ahem*

You're playing with fire doing crap like that. (assuming that you ever have and that isn't just a wishful fantasy) Women do not like feeling as if they have been fooled and most have cis male friends/brothers who will handle the situation if they need to.

Ah, what do I know..I'm just a 31 year old fool who has been with the same straight girl almost a decade.

Just be careful fellas.

Some dudes wear underarmor and things like that if they're really active. You can just keep playing it off like that for now, if you want.

guys thanks for the advice so far. im not stealth at school but ive been living as male for 3 years now so i dont know who knows what. also ive dated cis straight girls before who go to my school no one cared. also im president of my GSA and she comes to the GSA so she probably wouldnt care.

Well though, I don't think adult women wear "undershirts"-- maybe little girls. I wear the muscle shirts and some of the binders look like shirts. So you could say it's a shirt.


--Jay

ok its even worse she still is questioning me as she pulled my shirt up  to see my belly button so she now knows its only half a tank top which in my mind goes to sports bra.

Hey buddy -
Ive been in similiar situations. I think you have afew options. Either way, you need to give her some info. Something to calm her curiosity. Here are somethings you could say

No matter what you say, i would try it up in a normal conversation rather than when you are in bed (it seems like that's where this going - lucky you) I think what you tell her all depends on how you identify too.  If you do record scratchin stop in the middle of romance, it's going to make it a bigger deal. If you tell her "I have to talk to you about something" and then have an entire conversation about it, it alo makes it seem like a bigger deal.  I have never been turned down becuse of my medical past.   

- Well, I have a hormone disorder (truth) and it caused me to grow excess breast tissue (also true) it's kind of embarassing for me so I wear a special shirt. 

- I have a medical condition that made my body a little but different from most guys. I have more breast tisse, so this vest helps.

-  My body is more like a female body in some ways so I wear a special shirt to keep my  chest looking natural (this will give a little more away and will probably start her thining)

-You could do say something in the GSA meeting about your identity while she is there. Sort of throw a few hints out. 

-You could bring up in convesation something about how life is being "transsexual"

-you  could just tell her next time she questions you " I think most FTM's where a binder to help cover their chests"

- You could also just tell her "I am not sure if you know about my gender identity but i wanted to make it clear that i am a transsexual"

- Lastly - I used this method when I was tying to get rid of a girl that kept hounding me for a date. I was trying to scare her away and it didnt work: I went to thetransitionalmale.com and showed her the gallery of transmen. Then I said "They were all born female." "The same as me" The only thing she said was "so is that why you always wear two shirts?"

Whatever you say, say it casually and shrug it off, that will encourage her to do the same.

It's your choice when to disclose, and it sounds like its causing you some stress. So you should deal with it head on brother. Good luck and report back to us. Enjoy getting more action than me. lol

I agree with what everyone has said about quick simple responses.
And she doesn't need to know unless, or until, you want her to know.
It's not a lie, its not keeping a secret, its not cheating them out on information.
It's a medical problem we were born with.
People with heart problems don't go around telling people hey just to let you know before we date I have a heart problem, or I'm going to die earlier than I should. I had an ex who's situation was that and she kept it personal. I never pried her about it. It wasn't a big deal.
If you're stealth, or not out and proud, and choose to stay that way then there are many ways around disclosing that information especially with the "tools" that are available to us.
But if you want to tell her, inform her. Make sure she knows that your body doesn't make you who you are and that it shouldn't matter.
Don't let her too close to touch you in ways that will out you, unless that's what you want.
The suggestions said have been good ones imo, try not to say too much but just enough.