Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I am not sure if this is as much rage as I am seeing in other comments here, but, it IS bothering me rather intensely.

I can't find anything to make me happy.

Nothing. Damn it 5 minutes after some damned fine get plenty covered in sweat totally exhausted did all the favourite things and ended with the happy groan and squirt and I can feel unhappy.

Several new models bought and that same day I can feel unhappy and wondering why I am not happy.

I seriously worry, is there something really wrong with me?

If I woke up tomorrow and some miracle had be an actual female, would I be happy? I am actually scared to find out the answer.

If I was handed a new home on a platter complete with a great woodworking shop, would it be enough?

Has my disability broken something in me? Have I simply been depressed for so long, I simply can't functionally feel happiness any more?

Have I suffered just too many hurts?

Here I sit, my life could be a lot worse (so I tell myself), I have all of life's must have toys (supposedly).
I am married and my son is better than most would ask for.
I can casually enjoy sex at any hour, any day, and there just is no fear of enjoying that part of marriage like so many seem to have (well at least I seem to be always reading that people have trouble being able to find opportunities).
I eat well, my clothes are ok and clean. My apartment is certainly ok.

So why the hell am I not happy?

I am not where I expected/planned to be, but that happens to a lot of us.

I am just so sick of trying to be happy, and yet never feeling that way, and for no good reason.

Lesley, no you're not alone.  I think in general people at various points in their life just stop and say, this is not what I expected or this isn't where I wanted to be.  As far as will you ever be happy.....I honestly think that we can always make steps in our lives to bring forth happiness.  Whether those are big steps (surgery some are saving for etc.) Or small steps that can be made each day.  Try to see happiness in the small things in life, you talk about how great your son is, that would be a great thing to focus on...at least a smile from your son should bring brightness to your day.  It sounds like maybe in general you're in a 'rut' of sorts? (I'm guessing).  I know there are 'bigger' aspects to this, and maybe physically no you won't just wake up one day and be everything you want to be, but try to focus each day on a small goal that can bring you closer to that end result.  You said you were married, maybe it would help if you & your spouse got out more? Socializing can sometimes help too. I hope you feel a bit brighter soon!

Nothing personal, but I feel that you have two issues:

1. I see from your past posts that you have a serious beef with men. As far as I'm concerned, there are only three things to do with pent up issues: suppress them, throw them in someone's face, or let them go. The latter is the only that will make you happy. You can't live peacefully with hate in you.

2. You think too much. Don't worry about where you want your life to be. Enjoy what you have now. If you keep focusing on what you will have later, eventually you may or may not have it, but even if you do get it all, you won't be left with a lot of time to enjoy it. The simple things in life are the ones that are the most beautiful. Enjoy them all. Go out with your son to see a movie or something. Just stop thinking and start living.  :)

This will sound trite.

Happiness comes from within. Not from without. You seem to seek happiness by using 'things' including sex. And your comment about sex I think is relevant; it is you finding sexual satisfaction whenever you want it, not seeking a loving and enjoyable union with a person who you love and wish to give pleasure too, and incidentally gain pleasure yourself.

You are seeking happiness in places where happiness does not exist. What you are doing in all of the comments you made is looking for sensory stimulation.

Happiness is not that.

I know that you will not do this (yet) but volunteer for a care shelter, help wash and clean people who live on the street, feed them. Let them vomit on you and smell them and listen to them. Let them know that someone cares.

Then you will be able to find happiness, but it may take awhile.

I find my greatest joy and satisfaction when I am able to help others And get rather frustrated when I am not able to do so

Although it is important to take care of ourselves, happiness does not come from self gratification

Thanks for the replies.

DianaP, yes, I have a great deal of dislike of the hate (directed at men). It annoys me intensely. I listen to my music loud often to just drown out the hate. I find myself walking along and a thought will enter into my head, some muse that is wanton hate, and I find myself chewing myself out over it. 'Shut up Leslie you hateful prick, that never happened, stop inventing imaginary reasons to hate damn it!!'.

I am always seeking ways to beat the hate out of my system. I find the music helps some. I listen to very uplifting lyrics normally.

Cindy, I DO dislike my male half's constant hassling me for the physical aspects of sex. It's all he feels like he is good for any more. He gets to sound like a broken record. I have gotten very angry at him on more than one occasion. I think my wife realizes it bothers me a lot at least. He reeeeeeeally needs that damned woodworking shop. It's one of the things I hope to solve sooner than later. If I could get him into the shop, he'd likely be a lot less hassle to both myself and the wife.

My disability makes volunteering troublesome. I generally try to go for walks and drop in on a lot of people I know like clerks or owners or persons I just encounter out and about and try to give them a pleasant greeting if for no other reason than a pleasant greeting is often worth 30 minutes of stress reduction in the day for me, so I figure it must make others feel good too.

One of the hassles of my disability, is I spend just about all day every day in some small bit of pain. Never a lot of pain, but hey, it never goes away some days too. I don't recommend the experience.