Susan's Place Transgender Resources

SO I feel like I should introduce myself before, like so many others have previously done, address the real reason why I have sought out this site. My name is Amber and I am 21 years old. I have no idea what I identify as but for the last 4 years I have called myself gay and gender neutral for the people who are really into labels.

I have always emulated my brother and father and after coming out was immediately asked if I wanted to be a male, to which I jokingly replied "hell no, I love my vagina." But I don't know. I have always hated being associated as female, I can't even think of the pronoun "she" or "her" in context with myself. Ex's have tried to dress me up in skirts and feminine tops but the second I put on the clothes I immediately shut down. Like huddled in a corner, crying shut down.The only way I can describe it is like in a split instant I completely changed who I am, I am so far out of my element. I feel like I shouldn't be wearing them and that if someone were to see me I would die from embarrassment. Like a man in woman's clothing (pardon the expression, I don't mean any offense by the archaic terminology).

The first girlfriend I ever had, I told her that I was "gender-neutral" and she as... alright with it? She basically told me that I was seeking attention and that I was no different than anyone else; whatever that means! We dated for three years and around the last year she joined a LGBTQA sorority and one of her pledging buddies came out as FtM. She was 100% supportive and that kind of gave me the courage to approach the topic of my own insecurities with my body and she did a complete 180. She kind of shoved me and this man together and we hung out and stuff but I could never talk with him about myself because of the initial reaction to my gender differences. Plus, I didn't want to take the spotlight off of him and how wonderful his transition would be.

But then again, I have never really been able to call myself by any male pronouns either. The only difference is recently I have begun to wonder if that is just because of my upbringing. My parents never forced a gender identity on me, I am truly sorry for those that did, but that didn't mean I wasn't raised a girl. I am my mother's daughter just like my brother is my father's son and even though I wasn't made to wear dresses and play with Barbies instead of climbing trees and racing Hotwheels, I was still treated as a woman because I am biologically female. I am just starting to realize that maybe I know I am different from most girls but I don't know if I am quite ready to accept that that may mean I perceive myself as male (sorry if that is confusing. I feel like I am looking over a cliff and, even with a parachute, I am still not ready to jump yet...)

I am a late bloomer, I didn't feel any attraction to a male or female until the age of 16 and while all the other little girls were having crushes on Aaron Carter and Justin Timberlake, I was "eh, whatever..." to the whole concept. I came out because I had a crush on my best friend, who just happened to be a woman, and blah...blah... life changed... now I am gay. But the fact that it took 16 years to even feel somethings along the lines of attraction is really making me realize that I am NOT INTUNE WITH MY BODY AT ALL! I have acted one way for so long and haven't met any resistance that I don't even know how I feel about my identity. All I know is that for as long as I can remember I have been jealous of every man for their ability to take their shirts off in public. I am jealous of their pecs and flat-chests. I hate my breasts and my hips and the pear shape that millions of woman compliment me on daily. I secretly love it when I am addressed as "sir"; I am told a pass well but I have a high voice and a personality that is very androgynous so it depends on the person as to whether I am misgendered. I am insanely interested in the lives of the few FtMs that I have met and I love hearing them talk about their lives.

What I want to know is this: even though I feel these things, that doesn't mean I necessarily want to go and chop everything off. Yes, I would love to have a mastectomy given the chance but I don't want bottom surgery. I am horribly ashamed of having a menstrual cycle but I don't know if I want to have SRS. Does this make me Transgender? I am just seeking some guidance as to whether this is normal for some FtM's? Does not wanting a neophallus make me any less of a male? I recently moved and I have absolutely no LGBT contact anymore, hence why I am seeking this site out. Any advice would help immensely!

Hi Amber, :icon_wave:

Welcome to our little family. Over 9452 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

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Aphilo, I think it's great you are researching this more & making connections with people that will hopefully be able to share their experience and help you in the process. Welcome & glad you're here!

Amber, very pleased to meet you, and welcome from southern California.

It sounds from your post that you are in college.  If so, I strongly suggest you take advantage of your school's student health services, and take to a therapist or counselor about your lonstanding gender issues.

Glad you found us.  Don't forget to check out the Androgyne Talk forum.

Hi Amber,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

Thank you for sharing this important part of your life, feelings and desires with us. That's a big step to take, and we appreciate the trust you have in us. It's also very good that you have come to terms with a part of your make up. That's a huge and important step of you.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Hi Amber and welcome to Susan's. you shared much about where you are currently.
Ask any questions that you may have.  Find out where you feel most comfortable.
Labels aren't important. 


:)

Hi and welcome from Boston! Hugs, Devlyn