Susan's Place Transgender Resources

She was in tears, when she just called. It seems that my brother would not go over to Mom's house if I was there, too.

This hit me...kind of hard initially, but it did not come as much of a surprise.

She told me that she was sorry and I told her gently that was absurd; it was not her fault.

I regained my composure and told her that she needed to cease from worrying about it and to put it out of her mind and that I was fine [a partial lie  :(].

"It's not a problem at all, Mom. I have to repair the lawnmower and cut the grass and actually, I really need to get some rest today. You enjoy the day!   :)"

Honestly, I'm still a little shaken about this, but I've been through far worse.

This is not a problem.  :) :( :)

I'm so sorry to hear that.  Its sad that your brother cannot look past himself and see this day is for your mother and put his feelings about your decision aside for just one day.

I would have told her, 'Well, that would be his choice, wouldn't it?" But, of course, you are the one who is at fault for having the audacity to live as your true self.

Unfortunately, it is Rhonda's mother who has to be the one to say "All of my children are welcome in our home."  It ain't up to Rhonda.

Yea...  I went through a lot of that myself Rhonda.  I completely understand. It sucks. But you are doing the the good thing by being understanding and loving.

Cindi

Oh Rhonda I am so sorry. I know that it hurts. :'(
But as Cindi said you did the right thing.
Just keep loving your family.
Hugs
Jillieann

 :( :o ??? :( :) ???


This ummmm, put me through yet another 'revalidation of my TS cycle' again........

I just....I um............I guess that that is to be expected, during moments such as what occurred today and I am just so tired of that.

Perhaps this 'weariness' is exacerbated by the imminence of my BA surgery, on Friday. I think it likely.

That actually is a big step.

But you know??  I don't know...........

Fatigue is also exacerbating this.

"So, tell me Rhonda, why are you doing this again?"

"Well, let me think here,...OH YEAH!

--40+ years of searing TS induced HELL,

--I was going to kill myself in May of 2005 because I had tried everything that I could think of to stop my agony, and I could not go on. It was time to die. And on that very same day, I discovered the answer which had eluded me for so many horrible years and then, I had a reason to live.

--I am so much happier now than I ever have been in my entire life.

--I laugh and smile much more than I ever did.

--The character of my anger has changed radically, for the better.

--I am a better human being now than I ever have been, in all of my life.

--HRT alone, revolutionized my mind and my life.

--I now feel comfortable in my own skin."

Oh no girls, THERE IS NO GOING BACK.

Death would be preferable.

Please let it roll off your back.

My mom and insane sister wouldn't even answer the phone today to hear my good wishes. I left a message, and called back numerous times.

Peace

Well, maybe your brother isn't the type of person that can cope with anything outside his personal view of the normality. Or maybe he has very strong feelings that he hasn't dealt with yet, and he doesn't want to be in the same house as you lest he say something destructive. It takes time. I'm sorry to hear about the conflict, and I feel sorry for your mother. She might feel like she's in the position of having to choose between or lose one or both of her children. Sometimes the brothers of FtMs can feel like they're rejected along with the 'masculinity' of their FtM sibling, because they perceive it as a rejection of maleness (and therefore a rejection of them too)... They just need time and space and education.

Bless you and yours, I hope everything turns out alright. 

There may be a positive way to look at this.

Your mother feels like she may drive your brother away by allowing you to come over.  She knows that he will not give in.  She knows that you will.  This is not necessarily bad. She understands your compassion and love and that you can better deal with his insensitivity than he can deal with your GID.  So, she is asking you to bend, where he will break if pushed.

It sucks to be on the receiving end... believe me, I suffered this same sort of crap for 20 years. But it does eventually end.  I tolerate it no longer.  My children are now adults and will deal with me on my terms or not... as we have already witnessed.

My immediate family are now fully accepting and welcome me when I visit.

Cindi

I'm sorry you have to go through this Rhonda.  You do not deserve it.

But.  I have read all of these replies about how you need to be accepting of your brother's and your mother's behavior.  And I disagree with them all.  Your brother's demand is reprehensible, not because it hurts you, but because he is holding your mother captive to his wishes.  And your mother's knuckling under to him is equally wrong.  Between them, their behavior has broken your family, and you should not passively accept it.  In my opinion, you have a responsibility to tell them that they have harmed you and the family as a unit, and that that unity will not be easy to heal.  And it certainly will not be healed until they acknowledge the wrong that they have done.

I pretty much got something similar. They told me not to call anymore. 
Edit: Sorry I had to delete this.  I had a hard weekend.  It is very hard to handle when you realize you may have just lost your family.  I am a mix of bitter, upset and depressed. 

Rhonda, I will say you handled it well.   I think with time and patience things will work out for you.

Quote from: Lisbeth on May 14, 2007, 02:26:49 PM
Your brother's demand is reprehensible, not because it hurts you, but because he is holding your mother captive to his wishes.  And your mother's knuckling under to him is equally wrong.

Exactly. Your mom needs to get control here and realize SHE makes the rules, not a pouty son. What's he gonna do next, hold his breath until he gets more candy? I'm guessing your mom fears losing him if she doesn't give in, and he KNOWS that... and is milking it for all it's worth at the expense of BOTH you and your mom.

Like Cindi said:

Quote"All of my children are welcome in our home."

is how it should be. If he wants to come with you there, great. If not... well then it's his loss. You're not doing anything wrong, you're not some sort of burden to be worked around to avoid "problems" with immature people... and your mom shouldn't treat you as such.

~Kate~

Rhonda,

Good for you - for giving your mom a break. You behaved with dignity and grace. You are taking away their ability to blame you.  When we respond to ugly with grace, we aren't doormats, we're bridge builders.  You were wise and I hope you continue to be patient and pick your battles well.

There will be much harder fights than this one... and, actually, I see your response as a victory.  Angry words never convince anyone - they just put more bricks in the wall.

LGF

Yes LGF, I agree.  Love and compassion conquer.  You can win the battle and lose the war by taking a stand.  There are times when you will need to stand firm. Save yourself for those times.

Cindi

Quote from: Amy T. on May 14, 2007, 03:04:55 PM
I pretty much got something similar. They told me not to call anymore. 
Edit: Sorry I had to delete this.  I had a hard weekend.  It is very hard to handle when you realize you may have just lost your family.  I am a mix of bitter, upset and depressed. 

Rhonda, I will say you handled it well.   I think with time and patience things will work out for you.

[extremely tired, listening to "The Flower Duet".....that is SO beautiful, so ethereal....]

I couldn't do it to her, Amy. That woman has been under so much stress and has endured so much pain.....

I just couldn't do it to her. 'Discretion is the Better Part of Valor',...sometimes, it's actually not good to 'stand one's ground', as much as abdicating goes against the grain for me.

It touched the heart and soul, though... :(

I understand about not wanting to create a scene.  There is nothing to be gained by acting angry or belligerant.  But dispite what others have said, it's not ok to pretend to your mother that it's ok.  And I can tell you that from personal experience.  You end up resenting it more and more, and eventually it slides into passive-agressive behavior.  It's better to talk about it now.

Lisbeth,

You are right, she'll need to talk to her mom about it... but when it isn't flashing red.  Because she responded gently initially, her credibility is in tact.  I think the best confrontations (most fruitful) I've had have been after I took the time to cool down, review, pray, and then tackle.  That day wasn't the best day to take a stand, but it is a hook to open dialog down the road. 

Mom will see who really loves her.  Rhonda acted in love... her brother loved his opinion more than he loved his mom. 

LGF

Quote from: littlegreenfly on May 15, 2007, 09:26:11 AM
Lisbeth,

You are right, she'll need to talk to her mom about it... but when it isn't flashing red.  Because she responded gently initially, her credibility is in tact.  I think the best confrontations (most fruitful) I've had have been after I took the time to cool down, review, pray, and then tackle.  That day wasn't the best day to take a stand, but it is a hook to open dialog down the road. 

Mom will see who really loves her.  Rhonda acted in love... her brother loved his opinion more than he loved his mom. 

LGF

I want to explain the problem that I don't think you are seeing.  Take a look at the original post:

Quote from: rhonda13000 on May 13, 2007, 12:43:11 PM
I regained my composure and told her that she needed to cease from worrying about it and to put it out of her mind and that I was fine [a partial lie  :(].

"It's not a problem at all, Mom. I have to repair the lawnmower and cut the grass and actually, I really need to get some rest today. You enjoy the day!   :)"

"It's not a problem at all, Mom."  It's difficult to go back later and say, "Mom, do you remember how I said it was not a problem?  I lied.  It was a problem, and it still is."  It's better to be honest the first time around, like this:

"Ya, it's a problem, Mom, but I'll deal with it. I have to repair the lawnmower and cut the grass and actually, I really need to get some rest today. You enjoy the day, anyway!"

I see your point. However, there are many ways she could have done, without the weight being put on her mom, which I think was her heart.  Perhaps in future it could be something like:

I understand mom, you're in a difficult position. I love you, and Mother's Day is about you... so, though I'm sad I won't get to see you on such a special day, I will honor your request.

That way no fibbing is involved, no one else is getting socked, and the drama is kept to a minimum.  This all assumes that Rhonda didn't want to put this on mom... at least for that day.

Just some further thoughts...LGF

Quote from: littlegreenfly on May 15, 2007, 12:36:15 PM
I understand mom, you're in a difficult position. I love you, and Mother's Day is about you... so, though I'm sad I won't get to see you on such a special day, I will honor your request.

Yes.  Exactly so.

Rhonda,

Don't you love how we've figured your life out for you....   ;)

*hugs*  That really sucks, Rhonda. I know how that is, I have family like that, too. Not only that, but a sister-in-law who has actively trying to pull apart the family because she hates me that much. She's very, very transphobic and wants everyone to join in on it.

I had a dream the other night -- that I made out death certificates for all of the family members who wrote me off. I then took those death certificates and sent them to those family members  along with a letter explaining that I'm just returning the favour so they could see what it was like when someone wrote them off. After that dream I've been considering doing it, actually.

Rhonda,
What fun!  I'm in the same boat to some degree, but at least your family actually SPOKE to you.  Mine didn't even bother to call and invite me to see my mom.  She suffers from Alzheimers and my dad is a bigot, so I'm not welcome there anymore.  Last time I called, all I got was a barrage of four letter words demanding that I explain what I am "doing" to myself.  Hysterical, yes.  Funny, no.  Sad, definitely.
Christina

Quote from: littlegreenfly on May 15, 2007, 12:36:15 PM
I see your point. However, there are many ways she could have done, without the weight being put on her mom, which I think was her heart.  Perhaps in future it could be something like:

I understand mom, you're in a difficult position. I love you, and Mother's Day is about you... so, though I'm sad I won't get to see you on such a special day, I will honor your request.

That way no fibbing is involved, no one else is getting socked, and the drama is kept to a minimum.  This all assumes that Rhonda didn't want to put this on mom... at least for that day.

Just some further thoughts...LGF

She will indeed face this 'dilemma' in the not-so-distant future. It's inevitable.

You do indeed raise a valid point and actually, I wish that I had stated the case as you suggested, but what can I tell you, LGF? I was stunned by what she said.

I needed to generate a response quickly and therefore said what I said.

What the hell, LGF??  :'( That dear woman has been there for me during some of the worst times of my life. She nursed me back to health, after the motorcycle accident in 1985.

My GOD, I love her!!  :'( :'(

Even so, I wish that I had stated it as you suggested. But the time will come and soon.

In a sense, the breast augmentation will amplify the issue, but do you know what? This isn't my problem.

It's theirs.

I never asked to be born TS and do you know what I thought of shortly after that, relative to my brother?

Understand that in no way do I wish for this, but wouldn't it be something if one of 'Joe's' children turned out to be TS, as well?

How will 'Joe' explain to his children why I am no longer a part of their lives, anymore?

What do you suppose that 'Joe' will do if he encounters another TS woman or man, in the course of his job, which carries him all over the country?

He thinks [probably] that he can 'bury his head in the sand' relative to the subject of TS and blithely continue on in his life, but the strategy seems doomed from the outset, and possibly with very traumatic effect.

But not for me, nor will I be the 'cause' of any of it.

I have no sympathy nor respect for him. I offered to give him educational material relative to TS - and he refused to avail himself of any of it. That's not how I would have dealt with the situation, had our roles been reversed.

I would have seen that love demanded that I try to understand what a blood relative was having to endure and was being tortured by - and he did not.

That is inexcusable and appalling, both from the standpoint of love and intellectually.

He has no honor, neither does he have any respect from me anymore.

I will acquire a copy of "True Selves" for Mom, next week. She will read it and after having done so, it may well radically alter her own response to my brothers' rejection of me.

Rhonda,

I certainly understand being blindsided... and your response was amazingly kind to your mom.  We all know how the game "should" have been played after it's over.  Unfortunately, you may need to practice/rehearse answers to folks because it's almost guaranteed there will be more slams coming your way.

A pastor I love and respect once taught, "My response is my responsability."  You cannot control what folks throw your way but, as you already so graciously did, you can control how you react.  Life often stinks... it's what we do with it that can bring about roses....  You know, the ole "if life gives you lemons, make lemonade" deal.

I think you made pretty decent lemonade.   :)

LGF

PS: Try to forgive your brother... it does far more harm to your peace and well being to hang onto than it does to him.  Why give him the satisfaction of bitterness growing in your life?

Quote from: littlegreenfly on May 21, 2007, 09:09:10 AM
Rhonda,

I certainly understand being blindsided... and your response was amazingly kind to your mom.  We all know how the game "should" have been played after it's over.  Unfortunately, you may need to practice/rehearse answers to folks because it's almost guaranteed there will be more slams coming your way.

A pastor I love and respect once taught, "My response is my responsability."  You cannot control what folks throw your way but, as you already so graciously did, you can control how you react.  Life often stinks... it's what we do with it that can bring about roses....  You know, the ole "if life gives you lemons, make lemonade" deal.

I think you made pretty decent lemonade.   :)

LGF

PS: Try to forgive your brother... it does far more harm to your peace and well being to hang onto than it does to him.  Why give him the satisfaction of bitterness growing in your life?

A woman of wisdom indeed, you are.  :)

This is quite true and it is not acceptable before God that I cherish bitterness and antipathy in my heart.

In fact, on that same day, I had called Mom back and asked her to,

"Just tell 'Joe' that I love him."

The statement was somewhat forced, but more because of the hurt that I felt in contradistinction to actual anger and bitterness.

What I have stated above as to things that may well indeed transpire in 'Joe's' life, were 'meanderings of mind', upon what could well actually happen.

They were not wishes for...'evils' to be beset upon him.

Hate and bitterness...are far more destructive to the bearer, than to the recipient.