Susan's Place Transgender Resources

As some of you may know, I told my parents before Christmas I am trans. We haven't spoke about it since until my mum brought it up just now. She said I shouldn't have to change for anyone and I should be happy as I am. She told me I'm a girl and I need to accept that and be normal. She said I need to stay the way I was made and it's just a phase. Apparently, I haven't felt like this before, and it's only something that has come up recently and she blames it on the lgbt youth group I go to. She said I don't need to change into a boy just because I like girls. I told her that was not the reason and I feel trapped in a girl's body and I hate it. She said I was lying and it's just a phase. I was so close to telling her to f*** off. I haven't slept properly in ages. Last night I went to sleep at half 5 in the morning and it's currently 20 to 3 and I still can't sleep. Feel like punching something. It won't get me anywhere but it sure as hell seems better than crying my eyes out. I wish life was simple. I wish I could just wake up and everything be ok, or better still, go to sleep and never wake up. Sorry for the rant. Just needed to let it out. I'm typing on my phone so any spelling mistakes I apologise.
Joey

I often have a lot of trouble sleeping too, it really sucks. Anyway give your mother some time, since you only came out recently and it is quite a shock. My mum was immediately accepting but she told me recently it took her quite some time to really come to terms with it, as she now has. Hopefully yours will too, but even if not time itself will prove it is not a phase right.

Yeah you have a point. I told her a year ago that I like girls and she still thinks that's a phase too. Just really hurt whats he was saying.
Joey

Joey, uh...that is frustrating! And well, to be blunt...it sucks!  Okay, I know this sucks...but like seras said, maybe your mom just needs some acclimating time.  I realize that she is till unaccepting of your 'youlike girls' thing, so it may seem like she'll never come around.  The only thing I can say is don't back down, if she ever says something about it being a 'phase' correct her, if she says for you to be 'normal' tell her, 'then let me be who I really am so that I can be normal'. Hopefully by you continuing to correct her one day she'll just stop trying to make you into something you're not.  I can't remember how old you are, but here's reality: if you are underage there's not much you can do without her support, if you are of age but are still financially dependent upon your parents(living in their home etc) then you need to be respectful of them & their rules until you can move out of the house.  If it seems like they aren't going to support you in this I would encourage you to save and get out as soon as you possibly can; and until then just try to hang in there. Know that one day things will change, hopefully with your families support! Good luck Joey :) hope you get some sleep soon

In essence, she is saying, someone else put these ideas into your head.

Perhaps you could simply continue developing your character and identity but not making a fuss about it?

Sorry to hear that your mum has upset you. This is a temporary blip on your radar and it will get better.

Did I mention to you before that I never came out to my mother, because I knew what she would do to me? I figured out that I'm trans 4 years before she died but I never said a word to her because I knew she'd use it to hurt me. Just to recap... I'd been telling her that I'm male since I was 5 years old, but of course she didn't believe me and thought I was just going through a tomboy phase. Eventually I just stopped telling her and I suffered quietly for many years, which sort of reinforced her belief that it was just a phase because she stopped hearing about it. Didn't mean that I'd stopped feeling it, though.

Anyhow... what your mum said is a typical response from parents. When you were handed to her at birth, she started forming in her mind a picture of who you were going to be. She probably imagined a girly daughter with whom she could do girly things; she imagined you'd grow up to be a nurse or something; she imagined her grandkids... you get the picture. Now you've told her that the illusion she built up about you was wrong, she's going through the grieving process of losing the illusion of the person she thought you were. She needs to do this before she can adjust to her new reality.

The stages of grief are pretty well known (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model)), and they can happen in any order (or stages can be skipped). But she's started with the first classic step: denial. She's grasping at straws to find reasons to deny what you've told her so that she can cling on to her old beliefs. This is usually a temporary phase and she will get over it. Just keep moving yourself forward towards your goal. Reassure her that you love her and you aren't doing this deliberately to hurt her, but you know your own mind and you must live your own life.

She may move from denial to anger: she might wonder why you're 'doing this to her'. When that happens, just calmly remind her that you're not doing anything to her - you're simply taking care of yourself.

I'm willing to bet she'll try bargaining: 'don't have that surgery yet'; 'please wait another six months before starting T' etc., to try to delay the inevitable. Again, just keep moving forward and reassure her that you're not doing this to hurt her.

She just needs some time and reassurance before she'll accept what you're doing and learn to cope with the new normal. She will try to throw a few spanners in your works, but remember that you're nearly 18 and at that point you'll be the captain of your own ship. So keep working towards your goals but reassure her that you love her. Grief is very real and very painful so please try to be kind to her, whilst calmly and assertively moving forward.

Thanks for all your replies. Sorry about the late reply back, haven't had the time to write anything back. I stayed at a friend's house Friday. I didn't want to be at home. I know that she's in denial and it's normal the way she's reacted. I just can't help but feel let down, just like she probably feels. My parents have always said they're there for me, yet every time I try and talk to them about something they ignore the problem, brush it under the carpet and pretend it never happened. I've always been the problem child. Always have and always will be. I'm trying to be consistent, but they never bring it up. I said in the letter that I find it hard to talk about my feelings and I'd rather them approach me about it but they haven't. I probably sound selfish, and I probably am being selfish, but I' seriously fed up of putting everyone's feelings before my own. It gets you nowhere in life.

Quote from: spacial on January 04, 2013, 03:21:01 AM
Perhaps you could simply continue developing your character and identity but not making a fuss about it?

I'm not making a fuss about it. They knew something was up anyway. They always say to be honest with them but that never gets me anywhere so I regret that now. I've tried to do it subtly but my mum keeps questioning me about everything. Why I want to wear boys clothes, why I don't want to shave. It's none of her business what I do or don't do to my body. It's my body and she's not the one who has to live in it. Sorry. I'm angry. There's lots of confusion and complications in my life right now and I'm finding it hard to cope.
Joey

Hate to say but there is a chance she may never accept or she will act like my mother and protest shes does, yet uses wrong pronouns and tries to force you into sterotypical gender based things to have evidence to tell your therapist that it is a phase.. well at least that what mine does.

You might just have to accept they arent going to be your back bone for the journey and move on in life.

I hope I didnt offend you I just thought to remind you some times this is what has to be done to become who we are.

Quote from: LilDevilOfPrada on January 07, 2013, 04:34:55 PM
Hate to say but there is a chance she may never accept or she will act like my mother and protest shes does, yet uses wrong pronouns and tries to force you into sterotypical gender based things to have evidence to tell your therapist that it is a phase.. well at least that what mine does.

You might just have to accept they arent going to be your back bone for the journey and move on in life.

I hope I didnt offend you I just thought to remind you some times this is what has to be done to become who we are.

You didn't offend me. You were giving me the truth. I appreciate that. I'm sorry for the way your mum treats you. I really hope this doesn't happen to me. My parents are my everything, yet at the same time I feel so angry towards them. I just want to move away and start again.
Joey

Quote from: Joey4 on January 07, 2013, 04:39:45 PM
You didn't offend me. You were giving me the truth. I appreciate that. I'm sorry for the way your mum treats you. I really hope this doesn't happen to me. My parents are my everything, yet at the same time I feel so angry towards them. I just want to move away and start again.
Joey

I wish you LUCK  :D

Thank you.
Joey

Joey,

Take a look at it from their end for a moment. They are confused as to what's going on and it's easy for them to pin the blame on something, be it the LGBT youth group, a "phase", your sexuality, or whatever they can partially wrap their brains around. Most parents are like this and it'll take them a while to understand any of it. Some of them never really get it, but they'll become supportive. (And some just don't.) You're angry because you want them to get it right away. My mom's said things like she wish I had died at birth so she wouldn't have to deal with this, but I've learned that it's just anger that she can't control. Outsiders think it's a horrible thing to say, and while it is, it's a response that's cultivated from their culture, traditions, upbringing, and lack of exposure/education. In a way, it's similar to the anger you feel when they don't understand. It's not that they don't love you. Or that they won't love who you were meant to be. All of it just takes more time and patience. If you guys don't get into screaming fights over things, then you can definitely end it calmly with, "You don't understand now and it's okay, we'll work through it together" or the likes.

She still doesn't get it, but whenever she starts to pick fights with me, I do what I can to not argue back as she's screaming. Once she runs out of steam, it's easier for me to then talk. I don't talk about the transition. I talk about life and what it means to just live. Her problem is she has no idea how to live. It's how I've gotten her to realize that I'm an adult and I can take care of myself. It's how I've gotten her to back out of my love life. And I'm incredibly lucky to have my younger brother who sometimes jumps in because he can't deal with the way she freaks out. But she's starting to really see me as a person and as someone who can thrive as who I want to be.

Dev

Quote from: Joey4 on January 07, 2013, 04:13:15 PM
They always say to be honest with them but that never gets me anywhere so I regret that now.

You have nothing to regret. Trust yourself. The time they take to understand is not your problem.

Quote from: Joey4 on January 07, 2013, 04:13:15 PM
I've tried to do it subtly but my mum keeps questioning me about everything. Why I want to wear boys clothes, why I don't want to shave. It's none of her business what I do or don't do to my body.

I remember wearing shorts during the summer and my legs are hairier than my brother's (before I even started T) and my mom freaked out. I just smiled and said I like it, I think it's cool. She gets mad me and will says whatever she wants to say, but it's not my problem so I don't get mad about those things anymore. I also say, "meh, whatever, no one cares." The other day she yelled at me for tucking my shirt in because I looked like a boy. I think I said so?

Nothing wrong with a bit of strategic defiance.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on January 04, 2013, 05:14:00 AM
When you were handed to her at birth, she started forming in her mind a picture of who you were going to be. She probably imagined a girly daughter with whom she could do girly things; she imagined you'd grow up to be a nurse or something; she imagined her grandkids... you get the picture. Now you've told her that the illusion she built up about you was wrong, she's going through the grieving process of losing the illusion of the person she thought you were. She needs to do this before she can adjust to her new reality.

For some reason, I didn't see your entire entry before I responded. I agree with everything you say, especially the quoted section.

I mean, just think about our names at birth. They have to decide at that moment, who they want us to be for the rest of our lives. Some pick before the child's born.

I got nothing pithy to say, I just want to wish you well, Joey.

*big hugs*
Tana

Quote from: deven on January 07, 2013, 05:57:09 PM
For some reason, I didn't see your entire entry before I responded. I agree with everything you say, especially the quoted section.

I mean, just think about our names at birth. They have to decide at that moment, who they want us to be for the rest of our lives. Some pick before the child's born.

Specialists say that parents of transsexuals under go the full set of stages someone goes through if a close loved one was to die.

Quote from: Joey4 on January 07, 2013, 04:13:15 PM
I'm not making a fuss about it. They knew something was up anyway. They always say to be honest with them but that never gets me anywhere so I regret that now. I've tried to do it subtly but my mum keeps questioning me about everything. Why I want to wear boys clothes, why I don't want to shave. It's none of her business what I do or don't do to my body. It's my body and she's not the one who has to live in it. Sorry. I'm angry. There's lots of confusion and complications in my life right now and I'm finding it hard to cope.
Joey

Understand.

For what it's worth, I think you're a pretty together sort of guy. You're having a tough time right now. It'll seem like forever, but I'm pretty sure you will work through it.

Thanks everyone. Haven't got a lot to say. Today has been exhausting with them and I've been wandering the streets for most of the night. Home now though and straight to my room.
Joey

Quote from: Joey4 on January 03, 2013, 08:44:00 PM
Feel like punching something. It won't get me anywhere but it sure as hell seems better than crying my eyes out.

Yep... you're a guy.  ::)