Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My next door neighbor had her son and family over the other night and they decided to invite me over for some drinking and hanging out. Well, long story short, the guy was obviously interested in me, putting his arm around me and holding me close, rubbing my arm and shoulder softly, etc. in front of his family. However, from the way the men were treating me (calling me sweetheart etc), I don't think anybody knows that I'm trans. My roommate previously said that he thought they knew before that night but now he isn't sure either.

Now don't get me wrong... in any other situation I wouldn't have a problem telling the guy. Just wait til I feel safe and tell him! However, him being seen by family, and his family being on the other side of my living room wall (literally)... I just couldn't put him on the spot like that. Pulling him to the side would be difficult to do too, because his whole family knows exactly where I live...

What would you do in that situation??

Personally, I agree wait till you can be safe before telling him.  Otherwise just say you are not interested.

Personally I would just turn him down for a safer option. But if you feel there is a safe way to tell him, it's hard to judge the situation without really being there and getting to know the people.

Nope..... That requires some careful planning. You can't just tell him, or his family. Right or not, he may feel humiliated.... Humiliated men are dangerous. Be careful, keep your distance and make it obvious you don't want to be touched. Tell him if he persists but only in private.

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on January 05, 2013, 11:18:49 PM
...putting his arm around me and holding me close, rubbing my arm and shoulder softly, etc. in front of his family.

You've just met the guy and he feels free to 'handle' you in this way?  Seems a bit forward on his part, no?

-Ani

I don't know why you have to tell them anything. This is your neighbor's son and his family visiting, so a special occasion, and you happened to be there, and he happened to perv you. It seems to me you may never see him again anyway, and if you do he's married so it's not like we're talking about a possible relationship here ... I'd just chalk it up to an interesting experience and the fact that you are trans is none of their g*d*mned business.

Who knows what your next door neighbor knows, but you might think that your neighbor  would have reason to have an idea that you are transgender.    Of course that depends upon how much of a small town mentally exists where you live as to how much your neighbors pay attention to your life.    They did feel that they knew you well enough to invite you over for a social evening where drinking alcohol was involved and people who drink sometimes reveal more of the personal side of themselves than they do other wise.

But it is better to be safe than sorry, and never good to put a potential friend on the spot. 

Sometimes I wish for a rude show of disapproval of myself being transgender, than a polite silence which hides what people are really thinking.   Then at other times I wonder if the world is changing faster than I am, and there are more people who could careless that I am transgender,  and they are wondering about why I am so paranoid about being transgender.     

I dress female all the time and very often am wearing a skirt, lipstick, and heels around the house.  I am always wearing a padded bra with the bra straps showing.   When my nine year old's friends need their bikes fixed they often times wind up at my door looking for me to fix them because they know we have wrenches and a tire pump,  I am always girlish and most times they don't seem to care because they just are happy to get their chain put back on or their handle bars straightened.   My kid calls me his dad.   Who knows what they really think about me, or if at this point if they really care?   Who knows what they say to their parents?    We live in public housing right next to the office and the housing managers have seen that I wear a bra.   The housing manager has never said anything about it, so I figure that my neighbors aren't complaining about me.   If they were and it weren't OK, the manager would at least question me about it.

So what is it?    Am I just accepted as being that's just Michelle, kinda weird, but a nice person so I don't care how he/she is dressed.    Or is it Michelle, is just a transgender female, and she has a right to live here and she is a nice person.    Or is the manager thinking egads, I have to be nice to this person, because I like my job, and I can't do anything about it until he/she gives me a reason to kick him/her out.

I don't really know.   So what's going on with your neighbor, why would they invite you over to socialize and have their son who is near your age there and not care about him coseying in up to you.   Who knows?   I hope you have a tactful way of finding out?

Life can really be a mystery, can't it.

Quote from: Ani on January 05, 2013, 11:58:57 PM
You've just met the guy and he feels free to 'handle' you in this way?  Seems a bit forward on his part, no?

-Ani

I don't think it's too forward at all. This is just what men do when they're attracted to you, and want you to know it.

Quote from: Isabelle on January 05, 2013, 11:49:34 PM
Nope..... That requires some careful planning. You can't just tell him, or his family. Right or not, he may feel humiliated.... Humiliated men are dangerous. Be careful, keep your distance and make it obvious you don't want to be touched. Tell him if he persists but only in private.

This is what I'm more worried about. Most of the family lives around here, so it's not like I'd never see them again.

Quote from: michelle on January 06, 2013, 12:16:32 AM
Who knows what your next door neighbor knows, but you might think that your neighbor  would have reason to have an idea that you are transgender.    Of course that depends upon how much of a small town mentally exists where you live as to how much your neighbors pay attention to your life.    They did feel that they knew you well enough to invite you over for a social evening where drinking alcohol was involved and people who drink sometimes reveal more of the personal side of themselves than they do other wise.

I live in New Orleans. People here are very "Neighbors are family!!" , and drinking is just what we do (as the whole world knows). Transsexuality is also very common here and people don't really care about that stuff, so it's kinda hard to tell if they know but are just accepting. But like I said, the men were all calling me sweetheart and darling (something that normally men don't do if they know) so IDK if they knew or not.

Quote from: TanaSilver on January 05, 2013, 11:59:23 PM
I don't know why you have to tell them anything. This is your neighbor's son and his family visiting, so a special occasion, and you happened to be there, and he happened to perv you. It seems to me you may never see him again anyway, and if you do he's married so it's not like we're talking about a possible relationship here ... I'd just chalk it up to an interesting experience and the fact that you are trans is none of their g*d*mned business.

Well I kinda guess you have a point. But I'm pretty sure his mom will find out eventually (pretty much sharing a duplex with another trans girl coming to live with me) and that'll be kinda awkward that her son was hitting on me. So in reality, her son could always be back and her tell him and .. well...

Quote from: Isabelle on January 06, 2013, 12:28:30 AM
I don't think it's too forward at all. This is just what men do when they're attracted to you, and want you to know it.

Yup, I wasn't offended. He's actually a nice guy with a good head on his shoulders.

unless u was flirtin back wit him then i say just tell him cause its not ur fault he was doing that. but make sure ur room mate is in the room wen u tell him. If i was in ur situation i would have told him rite wen he touched me

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on January 06, 2013, 12:58:25 AM
If i was in ur situation i would have told him rite wen he touched me

In front of his family? Your neighbors?? Probably not the best idea in my book.

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on January 06, 2013, 12:59:55 AM
In front of his family? Your neighbors?? Probably not the best idea in my book.

U could hav brought him in another room n told him.

I haven't been in your exact situation but, I have been in one pretty similar. Just play safe and walk away from it. No need to out yourself to anyone, just distance yourself. I know that it sucks but, it sucks less than what could happen.... Yup "Passing privilege" sometimes isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I hope I didn't aggravate u wit my answer I mean that's wat I would hav done cause I feel safer tellin people than hiding it n them finding out later

Edit: I've been that way since I saw that qwen aroujo movie

Unless you want to start a relationship with him I wouldn't bother. It's just boy/girl flirting nothing to worry about. He enjoyed holding you and you enjoyed being held.

It's biology ;D

Quote from: Cindy James on January 06, 2013, 01:17:47 AM
Unless you want to start a relationship with him I wouldn't bother. It's just boy/girl flirting nothing to worry about. He enjoyed holding you and you enjoyed being held.

It's biology ;D

qwen aroujo wasn't in a relationship wit those guys eather n look wat happened to her. I've even had threats from guys before cause I didn't tell them I was trans they threatened to beat me up. So now I tell everyone that comes In contact wit my body that I'm trans

Quote from: Isabelle on January 06, 2013, 01:07:31 AM
I haven't been in your exact situation but, I have been in one pretty similar. Just play safe and walk away from it. No need to out yourself to anyone, just distance yourself. I know that it sucks but, it sucks less than what could happen.... Yup "Passing privilege" sometimes isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Yeah, that's what I'm doing... probably the smartest thing to do. I agree about passing... it has its difficulties.

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on January 06, 2013, 01:06:55 AM
U could hav brought him in another room n told him.

Alone with a guy with nobody to break it up? IDTS :)

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on January 06, 2013, 01:10:07 AM
I hope I didn't aggravate u wit my answer

Nope :) I'm not that uptight hon.

Quote from: Cindy James on January 06, 2013, 01:17:47 AM
Unless you want to start a relationship with him I wouldn't bother. It's just boy/girl flirting nothing to worry about. He enjoyed holding you and you enjoyed being held.

The awkward thing about that is his mom seemed to be trying to set us up. For the past week she's been "You've gotta meet my son!!! So me rejecting her son and remaining stealth with her would kinda be awkward too.

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on January 06, 2013, 01:23:32 AM
The awkward thing about that is his mom seemed to be trying to set us up. For the past week she's been "You've gotta meet my son!!! So me rejecting her son and remaining stealth with her would kinda be awkward too.

Just because she is trying to set you up doesn't mean you have to reject him outright though.  Just a casual thanks but no thanks often does the trick, or you are just a busy girl who doesn't have time for anything.  There's millions of excuses to use.  There's also no reason that this should break your stealthiness.  I've been set up with a guy by close friends, who don't know about my past.  I just showed a casual disinterest and things slowly cooled off.  That wasn't hard though as I wasn't very interested in him.

I'm with AusBelle, just let it pass.

His Mum obviously likes you but you don't have to take a blind date further than being friendly.

If she asks tell her that he is really sweet but not your type.

Quote from: Ani on January 05, 2013, 11:58:57 PM
You've just met the guy and he feels free to 'handle' you in this way?  Seems a bit forward on his part, no?

-Ani

I agree with this any man who just feels up random women is a creep. But hey I dont know him but the whole feeling you up thing makes him sound like one.

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on January 05, 2013, 11:18:49 PM

What would you do in that situation??

If it was me, and were in your situation, I wouldn't say anything. It's no like your both going to run off and get married or something. Besides once you say it, it can never be taken back and you should expect them to tell thier friends "Hey guess what? There is a chick living next door who used to be a dude?" Is that the way you want to be remembered, because that wouldn't work for me :) Who knows who they know either.

Besides, any guy who wants to get all buddy buddy after meeting a woman after just 5 minutes is by definition a creep.

Quote from: Cindy James on January 06, 2013, 02:27:41 AM
I'm with AusBelle, just let it pass.

His Mum obviously likes you but you don't have to take a blind date further than being friendly.

If she asks tell her that he is really sweet but not your type.

Normally this wouldn't be an issue, but he's black. Here in the south (USA), that kind of rejection usually means "I don't date black guys." Which can sound bad...

Quote from: LilDevilOfPrada on January 06, 2013, 05:30:30 AM
I agree with this any man who just feels up random women is a creep. But hey I dont know him but the whole feeling you up thing makes him sound like one.

Seriously? It's not like he was feeling my boobs or anything... He put an arm around me and lightly brushed his fingers up and down my arm. I think that's more flirty than creepy.

with guys like that I would tell them in a public place over coffee or lunch. they tend to either be like,"i gadda go" and run for the hills or think its ok or they just need to think about it first. in case of any event I did learn self defense and a little close handed combat moves. if anyone ever gets fresh a girl needs to get physical with bullies.

Quote from: Ms. OBrien on January 05, 2013, 11:27:49 PM
Personally, I agree wait till you can be safe before telling him.  Otherwise just say you are not interested.

this

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on January 06, 2013, 07:55:29 AM

Seriously? It's not like he was feeling my boobs or anything... He put an arm around me and lightly brushed his fingers up and down my arm. I think that's more flirty than creepy.

that's not creepy at all :)

He's totally into you

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on January 05, 2013, 11:18:49 PM
My next door neighbor had her son and family over the other night and they decided to invite me over for some drinking and hanging out. Well, long story short, the guy was obviously interested in me,

...

What would you do in that situation??

I would never date my neighbour. Ever.

Most of us form many relationships before we settle on the one relationship we wish to stay in. That means that most of our relationships are going to end/fail/stop/break-up. The odds are you will be living next to your ex. Not good.

Another option could be, if you have a water sprinkler on your front lawn, you could just have some "pants off" time on the next sunny day and play in the water. That might solve the issue :) plus, pants off time is fun ;)

Quote from: Isabelle on January 06, 2013, 02:02:34 PM
Another option could be, if you have a water sprinkler on your front lawn, you could just have some "pants off" time on the next sunny day and play in the water. That might solve the issue :) plus, pants off time is fun ;)

Post of the month! You get a thumbs up lol!!

And yall, my worries aren't how to tell him or how to tell him no anymore. I'm simply not into long distance relationships (He goes back to Virginia on the 12th). It's more of a "what have I got myself into?" question. Kinda like what if his mom finds out I'm trans and she saw him all over me... what should I expect and prepare for?

Quote from: Annah on January 06, 2013, 01:55:24 PM
that's not creepy at all :)

He's totally into you

:)

Quote from: Ani on January 05, 2013, 11:58:57 PM
You've just met the guy and he feels free to 'handle' you in this way?

That is the first thing I thought, too!

::)

lord...

What would you do? Pull away from him and seem like a complete prude in front of everyone? Like I said, it's not like his hand went under my top or he started rubbing my crotch, geez. I've gotten subtle brushes on my back at a supermarket from strangers ... I better defend myself!!!

Lol. Sometimes people touch each other as a sign of attraction. I don't get all the "omgz wtf he toucheded yu!!!1!1 grossss"

Yeah, I get touchy guys in the store, mostly they don't bother me, but a few have gotten creepy with it. I just pull back a little and so far, they haven't gotten offended.



The whole guy thing being interested in me has been weird. I'm fairly shy and I really don't want to risk dating anyone when so many people know I'm trans. I know what they would say about the guy.

In your situation, I would just not worry too much about it unless he tries to pursue anything further.

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on January 06, 2013, 02:51:59 PM
Post of the month! You get a thumbs up lol!!

And yall, my worries aren't how to tell him or how to tell him no anymore. I'm simply not into long distance relationships (He goes back to Virginia on the 12th). It's more of a "what have I got myself into?" question. Kinda like what if his mom finds out I'm trans and she saw him all over me... what should I expect and prepare for?

:)

I don't get it? how would sprinkler on your front lawn with no pants tell him your trans? im lost?

Quote from: Tristan on January 06, 2013, 05:05:49 PM
I don't get it? how would sprinkler on your front lawn with no pants tell him your trans? im lost?

She is indeed pre-op...

Quote from: NotThereYet on January 06, 2013, 05:11:29 PM
She is indeed pre-op...

lol is it THAT obvious?! :(

I can understand the way the men are treating you, after all you are an attractive woman and that's normal male behavior. My gut feeling is that your neighbors are ignorant concerning your former situation so it would be smart to discourage any further hugs and touching sending messages via your own body language. Neighbors can be friends and still avoid taking it any further when they understand that their advances are not being well received. I know it's extremely flattering and all women dearly enjoy being cuddled and loved, but you'd be really smart and quite safe in the long run to pass on this seemingly sweet situation and see how things play out when the other woman moves in with you. Their attitude about her, if she's not as passable as you are, will reflect on how they will either accept or reject both of you and the level of any further possibilities with that young fellow. Be smart, play it safe!

Huh, I don't know where I got that last part about a female roommate, must be a case thread blenditis coming on.  :D

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on January 06, 2013, 05:35:12 PM
lol is it THAT obvious?! :(

It depends on the 'sprinkler'.... you still have yours.....   >:-) >:-) >:-)

(so do I....)

Quote from: Shantel on January 06, 2013, 05:41:45 PM
I can understand the way the men are treating you, after all you are an attractive woman and that's normal male behavior. My gut feeling is that your neighbors are ignorant concerning your former situation so it would be smart to discourage any further hugs and touching sending messages via your own body language. Neighbors can be friends and still avoid taking it any further when they understand that their advances are not being well received. I know it's extremely flattering and all women dearly enjoy being cuddled and loved, but you'd be really smart and quite safe in the long run to pass on this seemingly sweet situation and see how things play out when the other woman moves in with you. Their attitude about her, if she's not as passable as you are, will reflect on how they will either accept or reject both of you and the level of any further possibilities with that young fellow. Be smart, play it safe!

Huh, I don't know where I got that last part about a female roommate, must be a case thread blenditis coming on.  :D

Well put and helpful. Thank you :)

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on January 06, 2013, 05:35:12 PM
lol is it THAT obvious?! :(

Wait wut........ You're transsexual?

Quote from: Isabelle on January 06, 2013, 07:01:35 PM
Wait wut........ You're transsexual?

It could just be a rumor.

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on January 06, 2013, 05:35:12 PM
lol is it THAT obvious?! :(

No, you are super feminine and beautiful, and I wish I were half, no, a quarter as good as you but I know from reading this forum that you are indeed pre-op.

Yall are really sweet :)

And thanks Tessa. Usually I handle men well and don't have to worry about when, if, and how to tell them but this was a weird situation!!!

oh ok. yeah that can be a problem if he is closed minded. but maybe he isn't. I guess you two could just be friends for a while and test the waters.

I don't know.  Y'all had a little flirtatious hug.  You enjoyed it.  He enjoyed it.  Probably should just leave it like that, otherwise you'll just be creating a ton of drama for no reason, right?

Personally, I only disclose my status before intimacy happens. By that I mean french kissing or sex.

It's a new role that you're learning and flirting is all part of it. To be seen as feminine and attractive is a good thing, I've only been full time for a short time and always welcome behaviour like this, because to be honest, most encounters stay just like this- one off encounters that bring a smile to your face, but are all part of the process of finding your new place in our world. It really is a second puberty we're going through.

I'm not a believer in restricting one's life until everything is perfect. I mean, when's that ever gunna happen?

Stay Safe,

OXOXO

Jenn

Quote from: Jenny_B_Good on January 07, 2013, 07:30:45 AM

It really is a second puberty we're going through.

I'm not a believer in restricting one's life until everything is perfect. I mean, when's that ever gunna happen?

[/i][/b]

Maybe there is some way that you can find out what his attitude towards transgender gals is anyway?   It would tell you a lot about his personality and rather it would be a wise idea to tell him at all.   Also does he have a macho attitude toward life or is he more reserved and a bit of a thinker or is he quiet and shy or is he just straight up and friendly?   Also how much does his personality change when he is drinking.  Also before you say anything maybe find out how he acts when he is around other guys.   How does his personality change?    Does he stick to his own values or does he ape the crudest dude in the group.

  Sorry I grew up in an alcoholic family and I am kinda always trying to get the sense of a person,    Especially if I am going to tell him something personal about my life.