Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Am I only one who cry when see younger ones(TS who do it sooner)?

I cry when I see them.
I cry when I see movies about them.
I cry when I read about them.

Am I strange ?  :'(

Why do you cry when you see them?
Are you in transition?

I think it's pretty much a given in this - that whenever we started, we always wish it were sooner. The 16 year old girls are probably looking at those starting at 6 with envy.
I recall something Elspeth here wrote the other day (wish I could find the quote) about the world just not being set up to help us with this condition. It's largely self-diagnosed and so many factors depend on when we find help.

I'm sure that whenever you started, you did the best you could. Everybody has their own timetable and there may be a very good reason you didn't transition at 16 or whenever. Maybe you had to wait this long in order to become the type of woman you're supposed to be. Everyone's different.
When I see young kids transition, I'm just glad fewer will go through what I did.

That said, there's bound to be real grief for missing out on certain experiences as a girl. Sometimes it's good to let yourself feel that so you can move on. So, cry if you need to. But remember you're transitioning at the time that's right for you.  :)

I don't cry, I'm happy for them, but at the same time I hate myself for trying to keep going, to torture myself for so long. It's almost too much.

But I am truly happy for those that are able to be themselves. But Admin does have a point, even I can see it  :)

The grief for me relates as much to unlearning social conditioning as any physical traits.  but I have beautiful children and a career I may cut short but still have in large part for the way I was before realizing the full extent of my GD, so like with most life experience its a mixed bag of good and bad.  I do experience some anxiety when I remember at 11 I vocalized my condition to myself, "I wish I was a girl" and did nothing with it... :(

I can be happy with myself, I'm not so old, 26, by others called beautiful and sexy, will have SRS in beginning of 2014
But still, it is part of envy part of bad memories   :'(

I cry whenever I see a large group of kids, because I know about 1 in 6 will be molested...in a group of 20, that means 3 or 4 will be (or are being) hurt...I wasn't able to go to my kids school shows because of this.

Adults look at you funny when one is sobbing and shaking...

With young ts's, its not sadness but ENVY I have.  :embarrassed:

Quote from: Medusa on January 09, 2013, 07:34:55 AM
I can be happy with myself, I'm not so old, 26, by others called beautiful and sexy, will have SRS in beginning of 2014
But still, it is part of envy part of bad memories   :'(

Would you like to talk more about it? What's going on hon?

Well I get depressed when I see that people who started later then me still got better results from HRT and such. I suppose envy is natural. I dont cry over it I just dont sleep well anymore.

I think I am the odd one out. I actually look at "more seasoned" trans people with more envy and respect (not that I do not with younger trans)

When I see those who transitioned much older I see myself. I transitioned when I was 34. I never regretted it. My three children are my life and they are my heartbeat. No one can ever describe the love one has for their children unless they have those children. You can certainly have feelings, etc but when one raises a child, love on them and they love you in return..these are euphoric emotions that simply cannot be described.

Those are things I will never regret. So those who transitioned later on I guess I have the similar feelings that Medusa has with younger generation).

Quote from: Medusa on January 09, 2013, 07:11:07 AM
Am I only one who cry when see younger ones(TS who do it sooner)?

I cry when I see them.
I cry when I see movies about them.
I cry when I read about them.

Am I strange ?  :'(

I don't cry. I get upset when I read of murders and brutality inflicted on transpeople by society. I think we have it made in the west and we just don't know it. There are many societies where we would be put to death without even a trial or justice. That's what would make me cry.

Transitioning young is no guarantee of success you know. There is way way more to life than just youth or looks. Successfully integrating is an inside job, meaning in the brain not on what is outside. We are transpeople and we have a past we can never escape from no matter how much we want to wish it away. Transitioning young or old each has its own set of difficulties and challenges. Don't underestimate the difficulties of a young persons transition.

Anything that is learned in one gender can be unlearned in another gender. You just have to be willing to let go. Because I can never escape my past I fused them (my transition and my past) to end up with a new person who is better than either could have been. That didn't require youth or looks just brains and the willingness to let myself evolve.

Quote from: Fat Admin on January 09, 2013, 07:23:00 AM
Why do you cry when you see them?
Are you in transition?

I think it's pretty much a given in this - that whenever we started, we always wish it were sooner. The 16 year old girls are probably looking at those starting at 6 with envy.
I recall something Elspeth here wrote the other day (wish I could find the quote)

This one?

QuoteIt strikes me that at some level you both recognized yourself early on, but pushed the issues into a compartment, in part because you were fairly realistic (though also fearful) about the practical impacts? It's not as though our society is structured to endorse or assist transwomen (or transmen) to identify and accept themselves, and the conventional treatments and options are none of them perfect... they all come with costs and tradeoffs.

From this post (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133431.msg1060531.html#msg1060531).

For what it's worth, I do cry or come very close to crying many times, both with happiness for them, that they found their way and can now move on, and with envy and regrets that I quickly remind myself are mixed.  I can't be sad that my children exist, and that they love me and support me in this change, nor that while we are not married, I remain on friendly terms with my ex, and can still at least talk about the close relationship we had before (and what it meant to me, and still faintly hope that once I am in some more defined place, perhaps her feelings will change? Not likely, but as long as she remains unattached it's a dream I can't give up).  The course of my life that has been, much as it has been painful and unnecessarily cruel at many times, is still something I've learned from, that makes me who I am inside, and gives me insights that few others seem to have.

I don't expect to become Ginnifer Goodwin (even if I'd started transitioned at 10 or 11, at the very best I might somewhat resemble my avatar's inspiration, a prettied up version of Virginia Woolf as played by Nicole Kidman). Not likely to happen now that I can with the very best luck and determination hope to see full effects of HRT around age 56 or later. But I do hope my path means that I will keep at least those of my friends I've been the least concealing with over the years, and I hope to cope with my likely visibility with as much grace as I can muster.

First of all I have to say, not for a single second I regret the decisions I made. If I came out to my parents in my teens they would have thought I was just a confused kid and would have try to cure me lol. I know I would not have anything I am having today If I have not waited.  So I am happy and proud of every single decision I have made.

Quote from: Medusa on January 09, 2013, 07:11:07 AM
Am I only one who cry when see younger ones(TS who do it sooner)?

I cry when I see them.
I cry when I see movies about them.
I cry when I read about them.

Am I strange ?  :'(

But regardless what I have achived I feel the same way, Sometimes I get very depressed when I read about girls who transitioned early. I am really happy for them because they had the chance to transition in early years. and in my eye you are still luckier than me cos you are 26 and going to have SRS next year.  I started my transition when I was 27 and I am also planing to have my SRS in 2014 too. But then I will be 31. I have good memories of my collage days, travelling all over the country, parting, bunking the classes, but I really wish I could have done those as a girl. To this day I can't look at any picture of my pre-transition self without getting depressed.

when I hear about girls who transitioned young my mind goes back to the memories I could have had. and to make things worse I knew exactly what I had to do to be a girl when I was 14-15, I knew about transition I knew about HRT, I knew about SRS, I knew everything I needed to do. Even though I had very liberal parents i knew they didn't accepted my decision.  Here in Sri Lanka many didn't even knew it was possible to change sex and people who knew it consider it as a mental disease, specially in the 90's. There were no support groups and there were very little information. So I had to wait till I finish my collage and get my feet on the ground so I can prove my self that I am not crazy and it took another 12 years. But There was not a single day passed by me wanting to transition. I think this is why I still get depressed when I hear girls transitioned young. I keep remembering the things I missed and how many years I had to wait.

May be with time I will pass that, but with all the things I have achieved I still get depressed sometimes and I think its quiet natural too. It is the same as when you hear or remember a loved one you lost.

Quote from: Fat Admin on January 09, 2013, 07:38:40 AM
Would you like to talk more about it? What's going on hon?

I wrote nice ling post before, but it disappear (damn back button at laptop keyboard)  >:(
when I think about it again, new things come to light
I never was so social, but wasn't scared of people as a small kid, where I live there was two big girls from "different" families who bullied me, not much but still, there was no much other kids to play with, at kindergarten I have one girl to talk with and other was too in different wold
and at school I fall into deep apathy, in which a stay until I came out  :'( I have just one friend and we was seen ad gay couple so nothing nice  :-\  and I cannot be open even to them
and noone care how I feel, as I have decent marks at school and in my apathetic agony I do nothing wrong, I do nothing at all, all these wasted years
I was just forced to find interests, to socialize, to go camping with foreign boys, where I learned just how to cry inside and look like an ice queen(king) outside
I newer can resist to authorities so after high school I just go away
Now I feel like a small girl who wake up in adult body  :'(

I do feel sadness that I'm transitioning too late to truly pass or be stealth - I'll always have a bald spot at the top of my head. And I'll never experience being a young woman.

OTOH, I have two kids, which I wouldn't have if I had transitioned as a teen, and I can't really complain about my life - it's gone well. My experiences would have been different had I lived most of my life as a woman, but better? Who knows?

Quote from: anya921 on January 09, 2013, 08:33:28 AMHere in Sri Lanka many didn't even knew it was possible to change sex and people who knew it consider it as a mental disease, specially in the 90's. There were no support groups and there were very little information. So I had to wait till I finish my collage and get my feet on the ground so I can prove my self that I am not crazy and it took another 12 years.

Viewing trans identities as pathological was common in the US too in those years. It probably still is with some less than totally ethical professionals.

My first therapist (who I was seeing from about 1998 to 2003 or so) started off our sessions by stressing how he didn't use a medical model in therapy -- granted, while gender identity was something I brought forward from our first session, much of what I was coping with was depression and social isolation, and we did try to look for ways to deal with that in the present, rather than assume transition would "fix" it -- something that is not realistic, certainly not for someone starting in their late thirties.

But over the course of time he managed to conclude that there were about 5 or so diagnoses that he seemed to want to emphasize to me, and when I asked him bluntly about his views on transgendered identities, he also came up with a laundry list of pathologies (several of them the ones he was labeling me with). My trans friends warned me about seeing him, and it's hard now to understand why I chose to ignore my instincts and intuitions about him, that started with the first session where he gave me an option to look for someone else to work with. I thought I was being open minded to work with him, is the best "reason" I can come up with. Perhaps it also came from a strong masochistic streak in my personality?

One of the more cruel and useless observations he made was about how much easier it would have been for me if I were even 10 years younger, given that, regardless of his half-baked theories, it was clear at that time that acceptance of transgendered identities had become much more open than it had been when I was in my late teens or twenties, the implication being that I probably would have transitioned with few regrets or doubts, had I been coming of age in the late 90s (or even the late 80s) rather than during the era when I was trying to find a path.

I'm sad for myself, envious of them, but also happy for them.  26! I wish!

Regarding:

Quote from: Medusa on January 09, 2013, 08:43:39 AM
I wrote nice long post before, but it disappear (damn back button at laptop keyboard)  >:

Try using the browser 'forward' function, sometimes it will take you back to the composition window and all your text will be there (did this last night!  :laugh:).

-Ani

Yes, and I'm not old by really anyone's definition; 20, 2 months HRT, with results I'm actually pleased with (these parentheses had a link to an image me; but if you're reading this now, you're too late to see said link!). My regret is probably because I told family at 16, did all I could to try to get rid of male puberty, prevent bone fusion, etc. I have a very supportive family, which I'm eternally grateful for, but it took this long, 4 years since coming out, officially- I think I told family at least indirectly around 4-8. I lost nearly 4 years of my life I could have had, with possible lots of irreversible damage in that time. Not only that, but I didn't go to prom as me, or graduate in high school as me. Sure, the former is just a silly dance, at the end of the day, but getting made up, finding a nice dress, all that, well, it wasn't an option.  It's one I can never go back on...I want those moments back. I want some way to do something, without feeling like a pseudo-PTSD surrounds those words,

I did my share- therapists, telling what needs to be in an HRT letter, all of it. I wanted to be me in high school, or at the very least one day as me as a teen. Neither happened, and that's something I regret, with a dull pain every time I think about it. I set a goal to myself when I told family, that I wanted to live at least one day as me, before adulthood, later to in my teens. I failed both, and still regret that, because both were realistic given the circumstances. Instead, I'm left to live a cold, harsh fantasy of what could have been, played like a tape on loop, wondering what if?

The worst part is this happens, every day. I try to look at people for inspiration, around my own age (like Tessa from this thread, honestly, same age as me, with totally awesome results), and while it does prove to me what's possible, this chain of events makes me sad, every time.  I just worry that it won't work out in the end with my lower than Barry White voice, at 80 Hz right now, try as I may. Am I happy for them? Of course. I just get angry and hate myself because they get to do at my age what I can't right now, basically none of them have low voices. 

Warning: Self-harm message follows.

This is an ongoing problem for me, and quite honestly, a likely serious issue. If I see a video of someone who transitioned when I know I should have, based on what my family knew, and felt, along with SRS being very real to them (either completed or soon upcoming) around my age, it gets bad. I usually wind up crying, a huge pain takes over my body like a wave over the shore, and I wonder what the easiest method of death is, how I can get a quick gun, etc. If I knew I didn't need that material for SRS someday, I'd do what I did when I was 4 or 8, probably try to self-mutilate.

I also look at someone like Kim Petras, and that is frankly the worst. It really is. No vendetta against her, and while I realize many would have like to have been that young, I base my reaction on a few factors. One, I made this so fricking obvious to my mother (I tried slamming that thing down on the toilet multiple times a day so it wasn't there, covered it in the bath, etc.), who didn't catch on, and two we were born the same year. Why does that matter? Because, ultimately, the same resources, attitudes, etc. existed. She also does music, and is mildly successful, and as herself, no less. As someone trying to also get into the arts, albeit a different one, being turned down on a national level for my arts, not even as me, is a shot to the face, and you have the life I wish I had.

I also really need a relationship with a guy, but that darn sure isn't an option either, at this point, given my looks and voice. Likewise, I have no friends. The one I did make at university last semester was awesome, but went back to Canada (Quebec), as an exchange student, so I'm really lonely. I can't even socialize, though, because the sound of my voice is that awful to me, so I'm really stuck there, aren't I?

So it goes beyond crying for me. It's a serious problem, everyday, every time. I know what I have to do, get this birth defect cured, but gosh darn if I can any time soon, with the amount of classes I need, and my future career plans with the availability of time.

I just don't know how I continue to live...this body hurts too much, I've had my most important dreams, hopes dashed too many times on top of it, while seeing others with the same birth defect do what they want. Why can't I? I just want a chance, some way to do so. I think I need help, not sure how to get it, or how, too. Sorry for having to put anyone through this post, it's overtly superfluous, I'm sure.

Quote from: TessaM on January 09, 2013, 05:17:31 PM
Jessica, dont worry (your post makes me think your in a bad place right now :( )
Your young, the results will come! (Like my earlier post tho, I understand the pain. I too didn't go to prom as me :( )

Your in Quebec? Montreal by chance? This is like nighlife Capital here lol theres so much stuff to do honestly enjoy it!

Aww, thanks for your concern and well-wishing. You seem so genuine, and kind, too. :) 

I wish I was up North in Quebec, might go to law school there, since there's lots of good schools up there like McGill, I love speaking French, dry humor is my kind of style, and well, while there are hoops to jump through, the healthcare covering SRS (not to mention, Brassard is who I'd choose anyway). Oh right, and like everyone up there is super cute, such a good looking, chic city! My friend up there was blond/blue eyes/super smart, put everyone else to shame there, I mean, whoa, if I could ever make that one happen.

My friend is up there, though, in Quebec, not me (about an hour outside of Boston), maybe he'd have some good suggestions for universities or places to live, something of that nature. If I was up there now, I'd totally try to meet up with you in a nightclub or for a smoked meat sandwich some time. Maybe in a few years, right?

Your post really uplifted me, and I'd give you a thumbs up for it, but I don't have that ability yet, but you truly deserve it.

I've never cried when seeing young transfolks. It actually gives me a good feeling that things are changing for trans folks. Society may be changing slowly but there is far more acceptance now than there was even ten years ago.

Do I wish I would have fully began transitioning sooner? I'm 31 and started living full time at 17. Due to various challenges I couldn't medically transition any sooner than I have. Everyone has their turn and it's now my turn. I can accept that.

I agree with Simon, that this is how I feel. I am happy that things are changing for trans people. It's about time. I am sorry that I didn't find out abotu this earlier as I will have lived most of my life as the wrong person. But I am not filled with all sorts of regret either. I feel envy for things like flat chest and that sort of thing.

I think feeling sad like this and so on though are all within the range of what would be normal for going thru such a big thing.

--Jay

Jessica, First of all I must say you look beautiful. Few more months in to HRT you will look stunning.... ..

You are still 20 and you will have so many memories as a young woman. You already posses the looks of a  attractive woman and with practice you can improve your voice. Don't always think about the things you missed. Once you started that it will be a never ending downward spiral which only make you feel bad. 

And once again I will remind you, you are a beautiful girl and you still have many many years ahead you and memories to make. So be happy darling.

I certainly don't cry or feel sad, but am glad for those that have been able to transition early.

Sure like most I wonder what would have happened had I come out earlier and been able to change.  During my teens, the internet was but a speck in a geeks eye, and there was very little in the way of literature to be found.  Years spent wondering why I felt like I did and what it all meant, keeping everything locked up tight thinking I was a freak.  These days young people can turn to the internet and discover they are not alone, and find help, and chat to others like themselves with helpful sites like this.

Anyhow, having started at 27, I've now had nearly 19 years as me, and have a past as me.  It's a good feeling.

As the old saying goes, today is the first day of the rest of your life.  Crying for a lost past won't change that past, but going forward from this point and making the best of your situation will. 

Quote from: AusBelle on January 10, 2013, 03:02:56 AM

Anyhow, having started at 27, I've now had nearly 19 years as me, and have a past as me.  It's a good feeling.

That's when I started too. So many coming out at 27. Wonder what that's about?

 I do get upset when I see younger trans girls transitioning - specifically, those that could get HRT before puberty. I don't cry about it, but I certainly feel envious... and then regretful, because I think about what my life could have been like if I had the same opportunity.

I don't usually think about it any deeper than that, so the stories always bother me. I suppose, though, that next time I read such a story, or see such a person, I will remember that there would not have been any way for me to have started before puberty anyway. No sane doctor would let a seven year old take hormones, and my mother would have certainly told me it was a phase - and this would have lasted a number of years, in all probability. Even if everything aligned perfectly, and everything went well, there were no doctors treating trans people in my area until I was fifteen. I would have had to travelled a long ways for every appointment, and my mother probably couldn't have afforded that.

It just wasn't in the cards for me. And hey, who knows - maybe I'm better-off for it, somehow. Maybe some of the masculinization I experienced will actually make me even hotter in the end, and maybe all the depression and anger made me a better person, in some way? I can only hope that all this has been for more than nothing.

Quote from: Kelly J. P. on January 10, 2013, 05:37:37 AM

It just wasn't in the cards for me. And hey, who knows - maybe I'm better-off for it, somehow. Maybe some of the masculinization I experienced will actually make me even hotter in the end, and maybe all the depression and anger made me a better person, in some way? I can only hope that all this has been for more than nothing.

That's what I think. It's awesome that young kids coming up won't have to suffer. But I can't help thinking there's going to be something lost as far as the trans experience. Oddly enough, I think I have more self esteem than I might otherwise have had I grew up cis.

Quote from: Fat Admin on January 10, 2013, 05:53:26 AM
That's what I think. It's awesome that young kids coming up won't have to suffer. But I can't help thinking there's going to be something lost as far as the trans experience. Oddly enough, I think I have more self esteem than I might otherwise have had I grew up cis.

I think there is always going to be apprehension and loss as far as being trans goes. There are always going to be family or friends who don't understand or refuse to accept it.

Being trans is almost like the final frontier. It's one of the ultimate taboos in society. If I could wish anything for the future generations it would be that they learn to love themselves and not depend on the acceptance of others. Also (and this is where I failed) to not become jaded and suspicious of people. I almost think that coincides with developing a thick skin, it did for me, but there has to be a better way to go about it.

Yep, here's my thought process:

Wow that little girl was actually born a boy? She looks so happy I'm happy for her ^^...  I'll never get to experience growing up as a girl tho.. and I'll never pass as well either having gone through boy puberty and all. Now I feel kind of sad and envious, oh no! I'm being envious of this courageous little girl now I'm a bad person as well...I'm gonna go eat some ice cream.

Rinse and repeat

Quote from: hazel on January 10, 2013, 02:08:22 PM
Yep, here's my thought process:

Wow that little girl was actually born a boy? She looks so happy I'm happy for her ^^...  I'll never get to experience growing up as a girl tho.. and I'll never pass as well either having gone through boy puberty and all. Now I feel kind of sad and envious, oh no! I'm being envious of this courageous little girl now I'm a bad person as well...I'm gonna go eat some ice cream.

Rinse and repeat

I have the exact same thoughts!! Though to me I couldnt survive this world with out ice-cream :P

Quote from: hazel on January 10, 2013, 02:08:22 PM
Yep, here's my thought process:

Wow that little girl was actually born a boy? She looks so happy I'm happy for her ^^...  I'll never get to experience growing up as a girl tho.. and I'll never pass as well either having gone through boy puberty and all. Now I feel kind of sad and envious, oh no! I'm being envious of this courageous little girl now I'm a bad person as well...I'm gonna go eat some ice cream.

Rinse and repeat

^ This and Ben & Jerry's cookie dough for me. If only it would go to my hips!

Envy is relative.  I know a girl who transitioned young, and she wishes she waited until she was older..... while I, of course, wish I did it when I was younger.  We had a great chat of all the differences...... and we both got to see a different view point.

Everyone has that envy, in some form.  The "wishes" of what we could have done, could have been, etc.  It's unfortunately, always a comparison.  If we stop comparing ourselves to others, or others to us, it will naturally go away.

It's weird, because we fight to be the gender we wish to be..... not knowing what it would be like.  Then, when we're there, we have to learn about ourselves all over again, in a sense.  Then, a different set of "wishes" comes in.

Honestly, it comes down to loving and accepting ourselves as we are, whatever state of transition we are in, and letting go of the other stuff.  And remember, while there will always be people who are younger, who can easily afford transition, who are prettier (or more handsome), who's friends or work accept them more........  There will also be those who have less than us.  We are to them, what they aspire to be.

Acceptance, and letting go, are keys to peace.

Come back from a long hiatus from here, and post deep thoughts.........  it's just so me, isn't it?  :)

Quote from: Simon on January 10, 2013, 01:41:41 PMBeing trans is almost like the final frontier. It's one of the ultimate taboos in society. If I could wish anything for the future generations it would be that they learn to love themselves and not depend on the acceptance of others.

Please don't view this as your failure. You didn't create the society that considers this taboo. The failure is society's and with any luck and some actual objective research and growing visibility, over time I think there's a good chance it will change, not soon enough for all of us, but as others have said, mostly I'm happy that more kids are able to transition before the worst of the psychic damage has been done by a system that used and abused us for so long. Progress is slow, but it has happened in my lifetime, and at some point that progress will even be obvious to cisgendered people, who may see how our being demonized has affected their own freedom of expression and abilities to choose their own paths.