Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Today brought news that my financial situation is worse than I thought.
I avoid things that scare me and money is something that scares me a lot.
I've been avoiding certain issues for way to long and they just caught up with me.
My first reaction was to have a panic attack, grab a knife and pace rapidly around my kitchen weighing the pros and cons of suicide.
In the end I concluded my life is worth more than the 16 grand looming over it and put the knife down.
But why?  Why can't I deal with these things?
Why have I, for my whole life spent so much time living in my own private reality?
When I was very young, had you of asked me whether I was a boy or a girl, I probably would have said I was a boy.
Case closed.
If you'd asked me whether I thought I'd stay that way, I'm pretty sure I would have said no.
Open that case file back up.
Of course no one ever asked that, and I spent most of my time running around in the fields and woods playing with elves who didn't care and not being terribly concerned about any of that gender nonsense anyway.
My parents were hippies and didn't enforce and strong gender roles, and in my head I was confidant that the anatomy thing would just work itself out.
Magic was real and there wasn't a problem.
I think I was eight or nine when I fist encountered real resistance to my internal sense of gender.
I announced during play time at school that I was one of the female characters in the make believe world we were playing in. 
Pause.
"But she's a girl!"
Beat,
and before I can answer,
My friend Mathew (a very astute and compasionate eight year old to be sure) says

"You me a boy version right?"
"Err, Yes, that's what I meant!"

Life ring gratefully received, nothing more was said.
Over the years my disphoria has been mostly experienced as a feeling of total disconnection from the universe at large.  A sort of existential dread that has pushed me to look for answers in psychology, religion, meditation and for a long time drugs and alcohol.
I was about fifteen when I went looking for information on how one got a "sex change" and what I found back then gave me the impression that it was all surgical, super expensive and not terribly effective.
Ok, better get used to being a boy.
That was when I fist took acid and started on a ten year crusade against my own mind.
I brought the full power of psychedelic drugs and eastern religion to bear on the problem.
During this time I developed an amazing capacity for existential angst that manifested every time I encountered difficult adult type life choices.
I'd become despondent over the pointlessness of my dead end jobs and ended up cutting to get me through the day at work.
I was angry at the world for not giving me opportunities to use my creative and intellectual talents, all while refusing to face obstacles that I deemed "unfair".
My moral superiority to the way the world worked served as an excuse to ignore things I didn't want to do.
While I quit the drugs and religion (although not the alcohol) about seven years ago and had been getting myself together I still kept ignoring medical bills that needed to be paid and spending money I didn't have.
I kept being overwhelmed by a sense of disconnection from reality which left me unable to understand my own behavior.
Nothing I had encountered in the fields of psychology or spiritual practice seemed to help.
I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.
Last August I told my wife I was Trans.
She's been amazing.
Friends have been amazing.
I started hormones seven weeks ago and my wife and I are finally communicating for the first time in years.
I stopped drinking and started running.
I'm generally more together than I ever have been.

Aside from the suspicion that I'm faking it all.

For the first time in all these years of searching for an answer to why I'm so screwed up I found something that not only brought me piece of mind but has allowed me to functionally improve as a human being, and I'm trying to undermine it.
I've been wrong for so long I can't tell what's right.
I am terrified of loosing this.
I'm terrified of being wrong about who I am.
Because if I am wrong,
If I'm not Trans,
Them I'm just a failure as a human being.

You have made positive changes in your life.  There is no failure in that.  On any level.

You have no idea how much I can relate to this post. It was like a female version of me wrote it.

When I was younger I was convinced that somehow my body would work itself out as an adult - I never outwardly said I was a boy, I just believed that it would work out and no one would be surprised. And when it didn't...I started to really dive in to reading. Trying to understand the world. I too had read about sex changes but only seen surgery stuff, and too, it didn't seem effective enough to make me feel like I'd be living in the male body I should have been born with. So I tried to be a girl.

I have felt entirely crazy and screwed up. I was dealing with some family issues and other abusive situations at the time and those people actually convinced me I was insane. I have the tendency to lock up and disappear into my head when things are rough - I am better but sometimes I need to push myself right out. Fortunately, I never got into drugs or drinking - I think I was fearful of them on some level, so I never did it and that's good, because if I had gone for it I'd probably have a real problem right now.

Quote from: Rowan Rue on January 12, 2013, 01:59:20 PM
For the first time in all these years of searching for an answer to why I'm so screwed up I found something that not only brought me piece of mind but has allowed me to functionally improve as a human being, and I'm trying to undermine it.
I've been wrong for so long I can't tell what's right.
I am terrified of loosing this.
I'm terrified of being wrong about who I am.
Because if I am wrong,
If I'm not Trans,
Them I'm just a failure as a human being.

And this hit me so hard. Sometimes I wonder if I really am what my family says - just a screwed up little girl trying to find answers in the big world. They'd rather believe they have an insane, effed up daughter/granddaughter/niece than a transgender son/grandson/nephew. Sometimes, I get scared that they are right and that I'm wrong.

It's hard to believe that just living as a guy, being myself, and being on a hormone is enough to deal with years of pain and anguish. It seems unreal. How could that possibly be, you know?

So yeah, I get you. It's hard to just hold on to being somewhat OK for once. But what matters is that you are OK, right now. You've obviously made improvements in your life that you couldn't make before - what matters now is holding on to that and living the best life you can. Transition clearly seems to be a part of that best life.

You aren't a failure. You are going through no doubt what a lot of us have gone through. Escapism can be a common thing for people who have been abused, and for people who are unhappy with things in their lives, or who suffer depression.

Have you considered the possibilities of being Androgynous, Gender Queer or even Gender Fluid? I've heard from people that are Gender Queer of Fluid who suffer from dysphoria on days they are feeling more like the opposite sex of their physical body.

Perhaps I should not be giving advise right now due to my trying to deal my own issues but here is a try:

You are feeling for the first time,
You are dealing with a life time of dragons,
Slow down,
You are sane,
Write down in a journal ( advise I received very recently and really helps) your thoughts,
You are you and you are fine.

Technique for when it gets really bad:

Say stop
replace the bad thought with a good thought
Say go.

Hope this helps, Hugs  :angel:

Although I can relate to 100% of the OP, I found that my being trans solved most of the minor issues (bankruptcy solved the financial probs, mine were $36k tho)...

But I'm still dealing with another issue...what if being trans is another "running away" from failing to "be" a man?

I have nowhere else to run after this...yet, I am happy here, on the edge of The Cliff, whereas before I (allegedly) had the whole world before me...

Quote from: Caleb. on January 12, 2013, 02:21:32 PM
And this hit me so hard. Sometimes I wonder if I really am what my family says - just a screwed up little girl trying to find answers in the big world. They'd rather believe they have an insane, effed up daughter/granddaughter/niece than a transgender son/grandson/nephew. Sometimes, I get scared that they are right and that I'm wrong.

It's hard to believe that just living as a guy, being myself, and being on a hormone is enough to deal with years of pain and anguish. It seems unreal. How could that possibly be, you know?

So yeah, I get you. It's hard to just hold on to being somewhat OK for once. But what matters is that you are OK, right now. You've obviously made improvements in your life that you couldn't make before - what matters now is holding on to that and living the best life you can. Transition clearly seems to be a part of that best life.

Yes, so completely this.
I've been lucky in that I've haven't had any negative responses from my family but they're so used to seeing me get some new crazy idea about reality in my head that there's definitely a "lets wait and see" reaction there.
It's so hard when I can't prove to them how different this is for me compared to my earlier behavior and, you know, having felt crazy for so long means I don't trust my self.
That lack of internal or external validation can be tough.
My wife has been so wonderful though, she's the only person who really sees that this is real.  She stuck with me for a very long time when I was pretty emotionally unavailable and that has changed so much now.
But everyone else is just "you seem happier now"
Which is good, but not the "you're not crazy, this if the right thing for you" that I need.
The idea that I can make this one little choice, that by recognizing myself and committing to being me, the entire universe changes just seems to much to be real.
It's seems to easy almost.

Like "wait, you mean I don't have to fight all of reality?!  I can just stop doing that!?!"

I mean sure, we get to deal with all sorts of prejudice and then there are the medical issues but honestly that doesn't seem so hard compared to:

"I must fight against the totality of existence every day for ever".

It's hard to believe I have that much agency o.0

Quote from: FullThrottleMalehem on January 12, 2013, 02:46:36 PM
You aren't a failure. You are going through no doubt what a lot of us have gone through. Escapism can be a common thing for people who have been abused, and for people who are unhappy with things in their lives, or who suffer depression.

Have you considered the possibilities of being Androgynous, Gender Queer or even Gender Fluid? I've heard from people that are Gender Queer of Fluid who suffer from dysphoria on days they are feeling more like the opposite sex of their physical body.

Thanks FullThrottle,

Most definitely a girl but anywhere along that road feels better than trying to be a boy.  I did the gender fluid thing in college (where everyone was convinced I was gay) but sort of stopped when I hit the work force.  Now I'm self employed so I'm back to androgynous while I transition, but it's only when I see a girl in the mirror that I feel really comfortable with myself =^.^=

Wow. A lot of that sounds really similar to my experiences as well. I never got into drinking or drugs, but for a few years of my life I got really, really screwed up due to various abuse.
I'm now back to my kid self (except as a young adult) which I consider as my real self.
Good luck to you.

Quote from: cynthiajonesmtf on January 12, 2013, 03:06:43 PM
Perhaps I should not be giving advise right now due to my trying to deal my own issues but here is a try:

You are feeling for the first time,
You are dealing with a life time of dragons,
Slow down,
You are sane,
Write down in a journal ( advise I received very recently and really helps) your thoughts,
You are you and you are fine.

Technique for when it gets really bad:

Say stop
replace the bad thought with a good thought
Say go.

Hope this helps, Hugs  :angel:

Thanks Cynthia,
I've been meaning to start a journal, perhaps this post was the first step. 
I've been working really hard to make space so I can slow down. 
Learning to let go of the idea that I'm screwed up is tough, but I'm working on it :)

Wow, Thanks so much everyone! <3's
I don't think I realized how much I needed to hear that other people relate to my story.
It's been so hard to believe in myself.  I shut myself off from so many of my memories that sometimes it feels like I'm making it all up.

Why you so subjective reality!

Quote from: Rowan Rue on January 12, 2013, 03:30:19 PM
The idea that I can make this one little choice, that by recognizing myself and committing to being me, the entire universe changes just seems to much to be real.
It's seems to easy almost.

Like "wait, you mean I don't have to fight all of reality?!  I can just stop doing that!?!"

I mean sure, we get to deal with all sorts of prejudice and then there are the medical issues but honestly that doesn't seem so hard compared to:

"I must fight against the totality of existence every day for ever".

It's hard to believe I have that much agency o.0

I find that to be really strange as well. How things can just...change for us with one decision. I think it's a lot of things. I think that a lot of how we experience reality is through our mind and perception - so in being ourselves, we alter that. But I think being authentic and happy sends out a certain confidence that attracts others to us as well. I mean, we've all known people who are withdrawn and you can't quite place them. They're hard to connect to. But when you meet someone who is happy and comfortable, you feel drawn to them, and you know what role they play and how they fit into the bigger picture as it were.