Susan's Place Transgender Resources

hello

I have been looking for a forum for a while so I can talk about stuff happening in my life, as I have no-one else to talk to!  I am Kelly, I am 15 and I am from England, I was born a girl but my twin Luke was born a boy but wants to be a girl.

I have known for aages, probably longer than i realise as we have always played together and been really close and he has just always preferred my toys and games and stuff than his own.  When we were little we used to play dressing up using mums and our older sisters old clothes that they let us play with, Luke always dressed up too and no-one minded, they thought he looked cute and stuff.  Over time he has done it more and more and it became natural really that he would just wear my stuff when around the house.  We share a room and we talk tons, and we talk about boyfriends andgirlfriends and stuff, luke has never been interested in a girlfriend even though i have set him up with a few of my really nice friends.  Over a year ago now I found some bookmarks on the computer that I didnt recognise and they were all about having a sex change operation and stuff like that.  i guessed they were lukes and that night i asked him - I might have been too blunt as he got really upset.  We cuddled and talked and he said he really needed to tell me loads of stuff.  He said he was not a boy and felt like a girl and wanted to be one for real.  I don't know if I was shocked, I guess I knew really.

I said it was cool with me and I was still his twin and that if he was my sister then so what.  He seemed happy and we talked about how things could change to help him.  We talked about telling mum and dad but he said no way not yet, they are great parents but he was nervous about telling them. TO be honest i think they think he is gay anyway and i dont think it will be the biggest shock they have ever had!  We went to sleep and the next day he asked if he could wear more of my clothes than usual - he usually just wore my tops, jeans and stuff.  I said it was ok, just look after it.  He had to put his school uniform on of course but wore some of my underwear, and seemed happier than he had in months!  I promised to keep it all a secret if he wanted me to and that from now on between us at least he was my sister and her name would be Lucy.

So time has gone on, Lucy has grown her hair quite long and got her ears pierced (she pretends shes just into heavy rock music :P) and never wears her boy underwear.  We are used to now putting some of Lukes boxershorts in the washing basket for mum so she doesn't suspect, but she does ask me why I seem to get changed so often!   :laugh:   We have no advance on telling mum and dad, but we think Laura - one of our older sisters - knows.  Round the house Lucy wears my trousers and tops, dad always jokes that he should leave my stuff alone and will never get a girlfriend dressed like a girl though mostly doesnt notice, mum ignores it - never really been an issue with her though she does think it is just trousers and tops.  Sometimes Lucy will wear a skirt round the house but is still a bit nervous about that, nightimes it is nightshirts normally, sometimes ill wear the nightshirt so she can wear somethign nicer and then mum won't be suspicious.  Luckily for her mum and dad go away for weekends a lot, so its clothes and makeup galore!

I guess I just need to know if I am right to support her, or if I should be convincing her that this isnt right.  Should I talk to mum and dad, should I push Lucy to tell them?  Does Lucy need some help from the doctor or anything?  Don't take that the wrong way, I think its fine but I just worry that maybe she needs to be checked to see that she is ok, I would hate for her to be suffering inside and just pretending to be happy.  Im trying to be a good sister but am worried I am actually being a bad one by helping her.  To be honest i feel very alone and there is noone I can talk to about it!

Sorry for my long post, if I am not meant to be here please let me know and close my account.

Kel
x

I'm not sure about what age it hit's, but if she isn't a victim yet puberty will be jarring and do irreversible damage to her body. Don't push her but I would strongly encourage having her talk to her parents so hopefully she can get help preventing or reducing the damage of puberty before it's too late.

How do you mean the damage of puberty?  Im not sure if she is done with the whole puberty thing, but doesnt shave at all so I guess that parts not happened!  I always thought by 15 boys were well into puberty, but then at school some boys have deeper voices than others of the same age, some have beards starting, so I guess it's different for each one like it is for girls.

I started puberty around 14-15; In males, testosterone's effects on the skeletton can go into the early 20's. The slow masculinisation of the face and the slow strenghtening of the beard can be very very disturbing to someone who's a potential transexual. It was for me and my face changed relatively little compared to other TS I know who changed from being to pass as a girl to being unable to to it at all!! I wouldn't wish the pain that causes on anyone.

I think its important that your parents know as soon as possible and that testosterone's effect be stalled while he/she sorts this out; this is often the standard treatment for those under 18. This stalls normal male development, which then can either be continued as usual later if decided that transition is not right, or if he/she decides to pursue transition, they'll just add estrogen and that's it.

Thank you for the reply.  So basically as she wants to become a girl she really needs to talk about with mum and dad so they might be able to get her help?  She is cute, if she started to really change shape I think that would upset her.  Do you think I should talk to mum (not dad!) or shall i convince Lucy she has to?

Talk to her about it. It's her life and her choice, but if she passes this chance I think she'll regret it later.

Your description of Lucy makes me think that she's 100% TS.
But, she still has to explore this for awhile to be sure.

I think that she should open up to whoever you think would be most sympathetic and treat this delicatly; Lucy needs one or many champion in the family, she's lucky to already have you, many are all alone with this.

Maybe if you could be there when she meets father/mother (let her speak, but be there as a pillar of support) that would be good.

The worse response would be a dismissive response, saying its all in her head, etc. Sometimes it would be good to put thoughts/feeling to paper before those meetings, since meeting the parents can be such an emotional experience that things may be said that shouldn't and others things may be forgotten. Read up on the subject so you can answer any question/objections your parents may have.

As I said, it is important that this is dealt with quickly, with the appropriate gender therapist and if required the proper treatment (not somebody who tries to fix her; that never works and can lead to profound depression). Delay tactics and procrastination in initiating the process lead to no good in this case.

The sooner Lucy finds out for sure if that's what she wants, the sooner she can be the woman she really wants to be; if improbably she finds that being a male is what's needed, at least its not a decision that's been forced upon her.

I will have a chat with her tonight, shes not been in from school long (I have been off sick as I had a test I didn't want to take  ;D) and tey and convince her to tell mum.  I might show her this place, maybe convince her to sign up so she can ask any questions she has - she might even be a member already!

Anymore tips and advice you can give would be great, I want to help her to be really happy - brother or sister being my twin she is part of me and her being sad makes me sad (that proberly sounds silly to you unless you have a twin!)

Kel
x

Hi Kelly J,

I’m going to try to answer some of your questions. I notice that you asked if you should be supportive of your twin, yes of course but I think you already knew that considering it was this website that you posted to. You also asked if she needed to see a doctor, I would have to say yes and the sooner the better. First she needs to talk to a therapist to sort out her feelings and to develop the skills to better cope with what’s going on inside her. Her therapist and her can best decide how and when to tell your parents about what’s she’s going through and how she feels about this issue. Something else she needs to consider is that the longer she waits until she starts taking an androgen/testosterone blocker the more male sex characteristics will be etched into her face, body and hairline.


So you think she should see a doctor before shes talks to mum?  How does she do that, just go to see her GP? 

I think her first step should be to see a therapist, then when her and the therapist think the time is right have the talk with your parents about the details. After that's taken care of then it might be a good idea to start thinking about seeing a GP about hormone issues. I also recomend to not put this on the back burner, so to speak, because of the changes male hormones can bring are not so easy to undo.

So you think she should see a doctor before shes talks to mum?  How does she do that, just go to see her GP? 

Wow Lucy, what a cute name. Im in the UK to and know what ur sister is going throu, she is so lucky to have u by her side. Please get lucy to see her GP ASAP. This is vital to stop the inrepairable damage that testostarone will already doing to her body, she wil then go down the Nhs counseler route. It takes time but she will get help. Telin t parents is a good idea by the sound of it they wnt b supprised

I agree with the above people and how coping with puberty as a trans can be really damaging.... I have only one picture of me dressed when I was 16 and I keep it private and almost never look at it... it just breaks my heart the way just a dab of lipstick, eyeliner, and eyeshadow used to completely change my look compared to the level of changes my body took... I sorta lucked out in that puberty didn't start to hit until I was 17, almost 18... but when it did it was fast and drastic...

So, yes absolutely be supportive of her, somehow get her to see a therapist (I know that's not easy), and (the really hard part) try to talk with her about possible ways of coming out to your parents. I am not talking about coming out right away, but if she is transgendered, the clock is tick tick ticking. If you think your parents would be accepting enough (and they sure sound like they would be) they could definitely help a lot with getting therapy and such taken care of, and also could be learning more about this themselves. :)

*hugz*

Oh yeah, your mum sounds like mine in a way... when I came out to her, she wasn't really all that taken back, and was actually happy and proud of me for having the courage to come out. And mums have a tendency to keep dads calmer during family talks.
Just try to be ready for any type of response, and know that they are your parents and they love you. :D

hope this helped some... I tend to ramble sometimes

Myself, considering that Lucy already has a champion in the family, I would recommend not daddling with the GP or whatever and going to the parents ASAP. It may be frightening but with her twin's support she will feel strong. , Its the only to move this quickly in a positive direction, whatever it may be.

Also, although you say your father and mother don't seem to notice she's dressing in girl's clothing, I'd be surprised that Lucy's actually fooling them. I think that they've probably already talked about this between themselves and are waiting for Lucy to make the next step. (That's my opinion, so take it with a grain of salt).

Being put on an anti-androgen (to stall male puberty) can be done quickly if done with the approval of a gender therapist and the parents. This will stop the puberty clock and the anxiety linked to it and enable everyone to make the proper decision with a clear mind. I doubt the GP would prescribe a anti-androgen on his own.

A gp might not perscribe them but you wont get to see a gender theropist on the Nhs without your gp

i showed Lucy these messages and she was shocked that people are so nice and it made her cry.  she says she wants to tell mum but we have to wait fr the right time and she wants me to tell her with her which is ok i am happy to do that. 

not sure how dad will be but he is a great dad so i dont think he would be mad for long, she is really nervous about it but didnt realise she had to start stuff so young.  Lucy says thankyou to everyone and says she will register later and say hi herself as she has tons of things to ask!

We look forward to meeting her.

KellyJ your Sister Lucy is so lucky to have a sister like you, please keep us updated :)

Hello

I feel a bit strange being here as I have already been introduced! I am Kellys sister (feels good to say that!) and I can't believe she has been on here today asking about all this I guess it shows me she really cares! I thought she would freak when I told her I was a girl and needed to live like a girl but she has been so amazing its untrue, she really looks after me and I feel so lucky!

I KNOW I have to tell Mum, just not sure when! Dad is out tonight at a big work thing and it might be a good time, Im not sure if I would rather wait a while but then if I wait I might never do it and as I have a bot of courage just now I should just do it. Kelly said she would do it with me and try and explain to Mum that I am not a freak.

I have been Lucy for years and having Kel to look after me and lend me all her clothes has been so great, if I didn't have her I would having nothing to wear and no chance to be me, I would be even more trapped than I am now.

When I tell Mum should I dress as Luke or more like as I do most of the time or should I wear what I really want to wear? Nothing outragous, just a kirt and a nice top, something nicer than I usually get away with. I don't want to do anything I should not do but I have read how people come out to their familiy and friends by showing them who they really are. Being Lucy is not just about clothes though it is who I am, I want to have surgery and really be who I am inside instead of this horrible boy body I have wrapped round me and choking me and making me feel so sad and ill.

PLEASE give me any tips you can, I am really scared about telling Mum but if Kel holds my hand I want to tell her tonight if you all think thats the best thing to do.

Lucy
xXx

Great to meet you Lucy.

You don't HAVE to do it tonight.
But, if its something so heartfelt and something you've been feeling for so long, there is no point to waiting.

Just pour out your beautiful soul to your mother, tell her exactly how you feel and for how long.

Going as Lucy, keeping it toned down so as not to detract from the message you want her to hear, is a good thing. A nice skirt, a top is all right. Just remember that the clothes are not the point here, you've got something else to tell her.

As I said to your sister, putting some order into what you want to say beforehand by writing it out could help you greatly as the emotions of that moment can make it hard to keep on message.


That you do it today, or tomorrow, or in a week, doesn't matter, just don't put it off forever or you will regret it.

Good luck Lucy.

I was feeling brave but now me and Kel are talking about it I am feeling more nervous! I know I dont have to do it today but worry the longer I leave it the less I will want to tell her. I am really good at finding excuses not to do stuff (I had a detention today for not doing my homework!) We are making notes about what to say and stuff, Kel is going to say a bit too cos if Mum knows Kel understands it might make her think more about it. Well thats the plan anyway!

I wasn't going to tell Mum wearing a ballgown or anything silly like that just a skirt and top, something that Lucy would like to wear rather than the things she gets away with at the moment because they are sort of tomboy ish. I dont wear much makeup and Mum doesnt like Kel wearing too much so I would respect that and do the same, just be nice to put my hair up and be me!  How great it would be if she accepted me for who I am and let me be Lucy!

I guess I can dream!

HIYA LUCY!!! *Hugz*

I think that if you feel that you can tell your mom tonight, then you should. And I think you should dress comfortably, hun. Like others have said, it isn't about the clothes, it's about the message. Just bear your soul, fully. :)

And if it seems like way too much too soon, wait a bit if you feel like you need to, but sooner is definitely better than later, cuz then you can get some therapy going eventually and start fully exploring and discovering yourself without the restrictions.

LOTS OF LOVE!!!!

It doesn't sound like such a pipe dream to me Lucy.

Everybody here was frightened of telling their parents, its normal.
The important thing is not to let fear rule your life.

I let fear rule mine for a very long time and
because I did not want to offend anyone I ended not living my life,
but the life that others expected of me!!

I almost came clean to my parents at 21, chickened out,
lived a zombie life for 18 years and where did it lead me,
to having to tell them at 39!! It wasn't easier for them to receive the
news then and it certainly wasn't easier for me to wait that long
to tell them.

Being accepted as yourself is a powefull thing.
If that's what you want, you should do everything
to translate it into reality.

See yaa Lucy.

Hi Lucy, its good to b true to your self but take your time and tìnk about what thd message is. Good luck

Quote from: LucyUK on May 16, 2007, 01:40:35 PMWhen I tell Mum should I dress as Luke or more like as I do most of the time or should I wear what I really want to wear? Nothing outragous, just a kirt and a nice top, something nicer than I usually get away with.

I would suggest wearing what you normally wear. From what Kelly has said what you wear isn't likely to send a message or show your family you can look like other women. Changing your outfit either in a male or female direction can only take attention off the message and put it on the clothes. Both your own attention worrying about how your mom is reacting to the clothes. And her attention by reacting to them. Also if you dress the way you normally do it helps keep you on message that the point isn't about clothes.

The nervousness won't go away whether you tell tonight or wait. You just have to be ready then step off the platform and dive in. Anticipation is the worst part.

It's nice to meet you both, Lucy and Kelly!  Kelly you're a fantastic sister for sticking by Lucy when she needs you :) 

Before you tell your parents if you haven't already check out our Wiki Section https://www.susans.org/wiki/Main_Page (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Main_Page) .. there are articles in there on telling your parents. And also some stuff in there for your parents to read if they'd like...

Thank you for posting, good luck to you both :)

I must applaud Keira's excellent posts here... and I agree 100% with her.
well done Keira !
...I am the Parent of a TS born male raised male but who is truly Female inside... its a tough battle for anyone to wage...
Being young as you are has many advantages.
I do believe your parents SHOULD know, have no doubt they will probly take it hard... but You need to tell them ! 
I think the hardest part for a parent is not understanding just what the heck TS is....  they will think , where did I go wrong in the raising of my Kid ????  is it too late to fix it ? what can I do to make it right?
...this is because they do not understand that it is simply a birth-defect
sad but true....
calm their fears in that it is NOT what they did in raising you, or what they didn't do.... it just IS...   yes Mom its Horrable but its not the end of the world... it can be fixed !
I am totally convienced that if your parents Love you they will support you no matter what.... but this doesn't mean they will think this is a good idea ! ...but good or bad is not the ishue here... getting help is
and there is no better place for help than the parents !
be Kind, be tender as this will bother your parents a great deal
just make sure they understand its NOT THEIR FAULT !...because they will be thinking "How can it NOT be my fault !? I raised Him !" 
you see they don't understand what Transexualism is !  and you need to educate them !

Haing in there !
Bob.....

Lucy

I am a parent of a TS/crossdresser male. He is 15 also. I just wanted you to know my son never came to me and told me.  I figured it out on my own and finally we talked about it and everything is ok and he has all my support.  This board and these great people here helped me to understand how he was feeling and gave me great information that gave me the proper opportunity to talk to him.  Your mum may already know, she may have seen the signs like I did. 

I personally feel it is something you are born with not something that you choose.  I can remember back as far as 4 years old and him wanting to dress in girls clothes.

I just want to wish you luck and let you know you are not alone in this.  Also I do call my son a he because he never stated he wanted to be a girl so if and when that time comes he will then be my she but either way I love him/her just the same.