Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I need some advice, but I am having trouble organizing my thoughts into words (as usual).
This will sound kind of weird, but bear with me. I know who I am. I have no idea how to act like myself. I've pretended to be someone else for so long that I forgot how.
It doesn't help that I am very self-conscious in social situations.
For one thing, I've upped the feminine behaviour for so many years, I don't know how to stop now. While I am effeminate, I'm masculine too. I've heard advice for acting more masculine such as "watch other guys" or "ask your guy friends." I don't have any guy friends. None that haven't insulted me in the past couple weeks and I'm no longer inclined to call them friends.
It doesn't help that I don't actually know what "feminine" and "masculine" really mean here. I just know that I come across as really effeminate (in a 21st century way, not a 1950s way) and that I do feel myself exaggerating it. Am I making any sense what-so-ever?
I've heard that male-male relationships are different from male-female relationships, but I don't know how. I've only ever been in relationships where I was pretending to be female with guys who thought I was female. I have no idea how to act otherwise. Is that normal? Since I am a male, shouldn't this come naturally to me? Not that it matters since it's unlikely I'd be in a relationship anytime in the near future.
It's not just that. It's other things too, but I figure people here are the ones to ask about that aspect in particular. Maybe the next one too.
As shallow as this is, my physical appearance contributes to this greatly I think. I feel embarrassed about being a man who looks and sounds like a woman which makes me feel self conscious which makes me more likely to hide (for lack of a better word).
Clothes play a part too. While I can compromise for some things (I'll see how the goth pants turn out), I've found I've had to choose between wearing clothes that are so baggy in a usually failing attempt to hide my shape that I end up looking fatter than I actually am or wearing clothes that make it obvious that I'm female-shaped. Both make me uncomfortable and self conscious.
I feel like I have to prove that what I say about myself is true. Even writing this, I imagine people saying, "If you really are who you say you are, why don't you act like it? How can you not know how?" I don't know how to answer that. I just know that, when I interact with people or even am just among people, I feel invisible and I know part of the problem is that I'm hiding. Even though I don't want to, I can't seem to stop.

There's also other personality things I've been hiding, but I don't know how to use words for that yet.

I had similar feelings as these not too long ago. I had been pretending so hard for so long to be a guys guy that I did not know how to be the real me. Honestly, I'm still changing. It took me quite a while just to relax some basic tendencies even around my own house. The best advice I can give is while you are in a place that you feel safe, try different things. Try walking different, doing different gestures, using different words. Things like this helped me find out who I really am and helped me learn to act like the real me. This helped me become natural in everything (almost anyway) I do.

Quote from: Edge on January 17, 2013, 01:51:53 PM
This will sound kind of weird

Not really; I have the same problem.  At least now we know we're not alone. :)

In my case, I'm not trying to find people to ask about how I should behave.  I'm just trying to figure out how to relax and be myself.  Maybe I'm focusing too much on nature and ignoring nurture, but as an androgyne there aren't a whole lot of people who'd know how I should behave anyway.

If I was MTF or FTM maybe I would ask people how to act, but I'd worry about how much of the advice I got was needless stereotypes.

Unfortunately I don't have any advice on how to relax and be yourself.

Quote from: Edge on January 17, 2013, 01:51:53 PM
Since I am a male, shouldn't this come naturally to me?

Hell no!

First of all, people are not born knowing how to act. We learn social behaviors as we grow. You've spent a goodly part of your life acting female, so everyone else has a head start on you.

Second, to say that trans men are male and trans women are female is a simplification. True your brain wants you to be male. But you've inhabited a female body, played a female role in life, have been inundated with female hormones and been treated as a female all your life. That's going to have an effect on anyone's outlook.

Third, I'm suspicious of ANY sentence containing the word "should". There isn't a set of rules about how Trans men should be as they're transitioning or what they should know. We're all different. You're a trans man. You know that. We all know that (because we were there for pretty much every step of your discovery). You don't need to prove that, or justify your transition.

Okay now for some practical advice:

* Friendships men form with each other are uncomplicated. It's not a question of what more you need to do but what you DON'T need to do. It's simply getting together and doing stuff you enjoy. That's it. Men don't want more from you than your respect and your company. Support is limited to material stuff ("can I borrow your power drill for a couple hours") and the occasional agreement with a gripe ("you're right the president is a putz"). That's really all there is to it. You maybe overthinking.

* I know you only from your posts, but from that I'd say you are already one of the most male people I know. You are focused on how you want to make your way in the world. You have little stomach for drama in your friendships. You are very practical. All of these are male traits.

* As for presentation, clothing, bearing, etc., the best you can do for yourself is to stop worrying about it. Males simply do not spending as much time or energy worrying about how they come across as females do. If you come across as effeminate, well nobody better have a problem with that, 'cause that's the way you are. If you're walking around in a body with female characteristics, well nobody better have a problem with that either. Anyone that does, screw 'em. Men worry less about the way things look and make them feel and more about what works and what makes them powerful.

* I don't like the advice "watch other guys." That sounds like female advice. Females spend more time worrying how they come across. Don't watch other guys. Just be who you are. If you don't give a $#!+ what anyone thinks of you, you will come off male.

Good luck Edge. I hope this is the kind of stuff you're looking for.

What Agfrommd said. Edge, I think this is the kind of thing we sometimes go through when we first start 'presenting' (don't like the word but you know) as our target gender. It's natural to be self-conscious.

And just relax. I've found men a lot nicer and more friendly than when I lived as female. And that's saying something because aside from a few female relatives, I've pretty much only been around males my entire life. I've always got on better with guys.

This advice isn't universal- some folks aren't born with strong modeling systems for presentation, and may indeed need a step by step practice regime- but it sounds like it might help you like it did me.

I heard you say that in the past you consciously or unconsciously overemphasized characteristically female mannerisms (to compensate for your inner maleness) and you have probably at the same time, learned to tone down things you did that made people go "hey! you're acting like a guy!". That is great, because it means you have an internal blueprint of the gender expressions for your culture, and it means YOUR male expression is already strong in you, so you have a really easy formula you can follow:

Relax, don't think about it, tell the inner gender vigilance system to go on vacation. And if you catch yourself doing something that doesn't feel right any more, stop it and do what does. Feel how good it feels to not do the unnatural thing for you any more. Feel how good it feels to do something that feels more natural to you. Rinse and repeat.

And P.S. this will occur naturally: as you become on the outside, in the way you speak and act, and don't speak and don't act, closer to the way you are inside- people will gravitate to you. Genuineness is the ultimate friendodisiac.

I couldn't give advice on this as I deal with exactly the same thing...sure, I have some qualities that are more "sensitive guy" that will never go away, but there are certain things I do, and certian habits I have that drive me up the wall because they came from hardcore attempts to be "acceptable" to society as a female. But I like what Madeline said, it sounds right and healthy to me.

Thanks everyone! Your responses are really encouraging. :)

Quote from: agfrommd on January 18, 2013, 07:17:32 AM
Men don't want more from you than your respect and your company.

Now if only they could figure out that's all I want from them. :P