Susan's Place Transgender Resources

so i think im an aesxual... i just watched that documentary called "(a)sexual" and well it seems like i'm one of them... maybe? 

the way i understand asexuals is they just don't have an attraction to men or women.  they may masturbate, relive themselves sexually, but aren't interested in doing the sex with men or women. 

i think back in my life and my sexuality has always been an internal orientation.  it has always been about being feminine, wearing cute clothes, etc... to the point i believed  ->-bleeped-<-... granted i understand why she is wrong, but at the time i read it... it made sense to me.

so in attempt to understand my sexuality growing up, i took these feelings as "wanting to be feminine" as "wanting a feminine girlfriend" and dated girls, had sex, fell in love, etc...  i look back and i can't tell if i was attracted to these girls or if i thought i was supposed to be attracted?  sex always seemed very removed for me.  i had to think about other things in my head to get off or else i would loose my erection which caused lots of anxiety about sex.

so now after living as female for ummm 9 months and have gone on dates with guys, even slept with one, i don't really seem all that excited by the idea of men.  i even had a pre-T transman come home with me one night and try to do sex with me ~ he liked it, but wasn't really sure what i was supposed to do lol

i go back and forth in my head between whether i like boys or girls, this stresses me out... one second i think i want to be the submissive in a relationship with a guy, then the next i miss the loving relationship i had with women?  one day i tell myself i like men, the next i tell myself im a lesbian... now i'm starting to think i just don't like either and my brain just doesn't want to accept that... so i spend time trying to like guys only to realize i don't and then i go back telling myself i like women only to realize the same thing. 

but then again, it could just be my fear of being a trans?  the fact i have a penis instead of a vagina?  that i don't want anal sex with a guy?  that i don't want to be with a guy when i still have a penis? 

i think in my head i just need to give men a chance and ill realize i like them, but every time i go on a date or even think about it, i get turned off :(

maybe i just need a vagina?  or maybe i just need to accept that i'm asexual and neither boys or girls turn me on?  i don't know why but just thinking about being an asexual makes me cry?  it hurts :(

so i guess i'm wondering if anybody else has these same kind of feelings?  if anyone has experience with what i feel?

Yes I am also asexual. I've know for awhile now about my sexual orientation and was much more self-accepting of it than my gender identity. Not having sex is fine in my religion, it encourages it! Saying your gender is different than what your primary and secondary sex organs would tell you it is considered wrong, and to act upon it is a sin.

I often wondered though if I would have had a sexual orientation if I was accepting of my own genitals. So you may be right there. But I don't think GRS would fix my self-loathing and sense of shame associated with sex. That's a mental thing that is a combination of discomfort with my gender AND my own self religious indoctrination (I did it to my self, and I still accept my religion).

Anyway, I find girls attractive but I have never been sexually aroused by a woman. I am strongly repulsed by men. I've never self-pleasured myself either.

yes i want sex, yes i can orgasm, yes i enjoy sex (err, masturbation)... but what i don't understand is why i don't feel attracted to men or women

maybe i just haven't found the right one?  maybe i'm a pansexual? maybe i put too much emphasis on my orientation?

maybe i'm more attracted to personalities?  then sex comes after?  i don't know, im so tired of contemplating this

I can relate, majorly.  I feel like I've crossed women off the list because physical intimacy with them always was a horror show for me, but then sometimes I doubt it.  I think I am attracted to men, but I don't even trust myself to know.  I feel like I won't know until I'm with a man whether that is something I truly want.  And when I think about having sex with a man I feel nervous about that.  It may be because sex has always been so traumatic for me.  It may be, like you say, I need a vagina, then sex can be something I can even consider.  Honestly I don't feel that strongly about anything.  I think that is a difference between how you and I feel.  I'm not stressing about it at all.  I think I could live without having sex ever again.  Or could I?  lol

I had the same kind of phase as you but it always went back to the same sexual desire for men. No matter how hard I tried the other way , my feelings jumped back. That's how I knew at least.

Quote from: oZma on January 21, 2013, 01:33:48 PM
yes i want sex, yes i can orgasm, yes i enjoy sex (err, masturbation)... but what i don't understand is why i don't feel attracted to men or women

maybe i just haven't found the right one?  maybe i'm a pansexual? maybe i put too much emphasis on my orientation?

maybe i'm more attracted to personalities?  then sex comes after?  i don't know, im so tired of contemplating this

As a bisexual person I can relate to the confusion bit. Looking at me from the outside my orientation may seem confusing, but to me life doesn't seem to be confusing at all. After I was done with my transition I wanted to experiment to figure just who the heck I even am. I don't feel that I am sexually unattracted to men or women because I am, sometimes I choose to do nothing and it might appear that I am asexual. I have no idea what that makes me. I like sex but I draw the line at certain things, like I would never want to be whipped, and it would never want to dominate someone else. I guess that makes me a sexual fence sitter, but not an asexual.

maybe i just feel that men can't like a girl like me... that if they do, its a fetish thing?  that they are only interested in my penis, and not me?  and because of this thought, i'm just protecting myself.  protecting myself from liking guys because if i like a guy, then he finds out im a trans, he won't like me (or can't like me)

that sounds more like crazy internal transphobia?  like i would never want to subject a straight guy to a trans like me?

Quote from: oZma on January 21, 2013, 01:55:38 PM
maybe i just feel that men can't like a girl like me... that if they do, its a fetish thing?  that they are only interested in my penis, and not me?  and because of this thought, i'm just protecting myself.  protecting myself from liking guys because if i like a guy, then he finds out im a trans, he won't like me (or can't like me)

that sounds more like crazy internal transphobia?  like i would never want to subject a straight guy to a trans like me?

No it just sounds like fear of being hurt mixed with low self esteem.

I've heard enough stories to the contrary to know those fears are dumbfounded.

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on January 21, 2013, 02:09:46 PM
No it just sounds like fear of being hurt mixed with low self esteem.

I've heard enough stories to the contrary to know those fears are dumbfounded.

so instead of looking at a guy and feeling attraction, instead i think how he won't like me back because i'm trans, or too tall, or ugly, or masculine?  and i don't even let myself get to the attraction?

that could make sense?

You seem to be putting yourself under a lot of pressure oZma. There is no right answer, go with how you feel at the time. Love and friendship are more important than sex imho. X

Oh yeh mines not exactly the same as your's, but I have confusion issues definitely. When I was younger I had romantic attraction towards females and some physical attraction towards both genders, now I am physically attracted almost exclusively towards men with no romantic attraction too either gender. I have pretty much come out as gay at this point because of that, but I'm worried that while I am sexually attracted towards guys I will never actually feel the same way about one like I did about women when I was younger, or even that I will suddenly find myself falling for a woman again and have to undo my coming out.

If fear that if I continue to feel the way I do now it is extremely unlikely I will ever be in a relationship, and if I become female the likelihood will plummet even lower than that.

If you're anything like me you're probably not asexual, you just don't know what you want, eh, sorry I'm not really any help, can only offer a little solidarity I'm afraid  ::)

Quote from: Bex80 on January 21, 2013, 02:18:22 PM
You seem to be putting yourself under a lot of pressure oZma. There is no right answer, go with how you feel at the time. Love and friendship are more important than sex imho. X

this is what my therapist tells me lol too bad i don't have any friends and my family is a bunch of crayzy people :( oh well i guess ill figure it out in time... or ill just stay a recluse living with my dog... maybe i should start collecting cats? 

Quote from: oZma on January 21, 2013, 02:33:49 PM
this is what my therapist tells me lol too bad i don't have any friends and my family is a bunch of crayzy people :( oh well i guess ill figure it out in time... or ill just stay a recluse living with my dog... maybe i should start collecting cats?

Well I think you should get at least one... just a general life rule there.

Quote from: Jen on January 21, 2013, 02:55:09 PM
Well I think you should get at least one... just a general life rule there.

ok i have friends... just none in Sacramento... i just moved here when i went fulltime 9 months ago.  i've tried making friends here, forced myself to hang out with people that i knew i didn't really get along with for the only reason to "get myself out there" and it didn't really work out. 

so lets not talk about me not having any friends.... its getting off topic :)

Oh I was talking about cats haha.  Not that that was any more on topic. :P

How about this to get back on topic?  For the people that feel like it isn't a big deal, let me explain why it is.  I would love to have a strong libido so I could pursue a relationship with a man, or whomever I am attracted to.  I would love to want to have sex so that I could create a strong bond with my partner.  I really don't want to be asexual because being alone kind of sucks.  I want to share my life with somebody.

I just am kind of holding out hope that I will get with a guy and feel those, idk fireworks? people speak of, and then this problem will be solved.  I just don't feel like I'm in a place where I want to do that right now.  Too many body issues.  So I don't feel stressed about it currently.

Quote from: Jen on January 21, 2013, 03:28:42 PM
How about this to get back on topic?  For the people that feel like it isn't a big deal, let me explain why it is.  I would love to have a strong libido so I could pursue a relationship with a man, or whomever I am attracted to.  I would love to want to have sex so that I could create a strong bond with my partner.  I really don't want to be asexual because being alone kind of sucks.  I want to share my life with somebody.

I just am kind of holding out hope that I will get with a guy and feel those, idk fireworks? people speak of, and then this problem will be solved.  I just don't feel like I'm in a place where I want to do that right now.  Too many body issues.  So I don't feel stressed about it currently.

yes, this is how I feel... but it becomes the question of whether its body issues or if its just inherent asexuality? if its just body issues then I should be working towards solving my body issues... I'm told I pass, have a good body, sound feminine so that might less of the issue... but if its my genitals, I might need surgery to fix that?

maybe I just need a boy to accept my body the way it is? then maybe I can accept it?

but then again, occams razor, I'm just asexual and need to accept it?

You could be asexual... but just to be sure I think you should have sex with me, just to find out... You know, like, in the interests of science ? :p

I went through this too, I think it's a phase. Especially now that I'm HRT, my spontaneous sex drive has diminished greatly. I can't look at a guy or girl anymore and get spontaneously aroused physically. The way I figured out I wasn't, was just having sex lol.

However, having said that, the thought of sex with a guy still gets me aroused very quickly. But lets say I see a cute and hot guy on the street, I know he's cute and hot, I'm not going to get aroused immediately. I need to put some conscious effort into fantasizing before I get aroused. I don't mind, it means I don't get distracted by sex on a day to day basis like I used to.

As for being with guys, sure I don't get spontaneously in the mood like they do but I just go with it anyway and do the deed to make them happy. Turns out I end up enjoying it every time, even if the arousal isn't there at the start, the physical act is enjoyable once you get started.

A lot of people might frown on this but I enjoy casual sex (and throw around words like promiscuous or slut), which means I am happy to get with ->-bleeped-<-s while I'm pre-op, why should I deny myself some casual fun since it's going to be a while?

Just like normal guys, their not all sleazy, some are really sweet. Feels great having someone accept my body the way it is even though it's far from what I want still, it's kinda validating. And I don't need to feel bad around them, talk freely about transition, some are very support and willing to listen and help out.

Anyway, I'm far more attracted to someone I can form an emotional connection with (i.e. fireworks/whatever euphemism), there are guys I have crushes on that I know simply from getting to know them. Then the spontaneous arousal comes from a non-physical place.. that's the way it works for me now  :laugh:

One day I hope to find a normal guy to have a serious relationship and hopefully raise a family but that is going to be a while  :(

Yes, Occam's Razor.  Such a great invention for stopping overthinkers.  I don't trust thinking because overthinking leads to so many wrong ideas.  Always better to go with how you feel, imo.  I think, however that you have to have all the data in (I'm talking like a robot wtf?) before Occam's Razor really applies anyway.  I think having the right genitals is a very important data point that both of us are missing.  Okayyyy, still talking like a robot...

For me, I'm withholding judgement at least until I have an experience with a man.  After I have been with a man and say he kisses me, if I feel the same thing I always did with women, which is, uuuumm this is very wet...when is she going to stop?? then I will start to get very concerned.  But even then I don't know if I can ever make sex work while I have the wrong body parts, so I will still want to wait till after that before making any firm conclusions.

Body issues don't go away when people tell you that you look good btw, at least not for me.

If I do turn out to be asexual, then I think we should create like a club and agree to like all pair off so we can each have a partner for our lives.  We can cuddle, hug, maybe some light kissing, but keep your gd tongue out of my mouth, it's the rules!  Otherwise we'd just be friends facing life together.  That does sound kind of nice...

PS I think my sex drive has gone up with hormones, but not enough that I trust it...

Quote from: Aleah on January 21, 2013, 04:16:37 PM
The way I figured out I wasn't, was just having sex lol.

this like a craigslist thing?  night clubs?  internet dating?  how do you just go have sex?  i don't get it

Quote from: oZma on January 21, 2013, 04:27:32 PM
this like a craigslist thing?  night clubs?  internet dating?  how do you just go have sex?  i don't get it

Places like TVchix . com, and internet dating sites like OKCupid (not much luck there, a lot of them chicken out but you can get lucky). Craigslist is way too sleazy but it can work in the US I guess.

Hard to do it in night clubs, how you gonna tell people your pre-op before they start hitting on you? Easier to just be up front about it online or go to places where you can find ->-bleeped-<-s like TVchix.

I do intend to go to some gay clubs soon, but that's just for dancing with girlfriends! But who knows, might meet a cute bi guy, I know they are out there..

Plus your HOT from what I've seen, I don't see how you would have any trouble  >:-)

I'm asexual as well. I could honestly go months without sex. The longest streak I went on was a year and 3 months. I'm thinking it will change once I have SRS. I don't want to have any sexual activity or have a partner again till I have SRS so I may destroy that record. lol.. I know in the past I needed the Viagra to help me in the bedroom. Its just blah for me doesn't interest me. I find people attractive but I'm not like gosh i'd love to have sex with them lol.

I could never understand the way sex seems to drive most people's (especially male types) lives. Don't get me wrong. I never hated the dangly bits. I do enjoy sex with a special person. I am a hopeless romatic that way.

These days with all the E in my system and extreme lack of T my low sex drive is non-existent. Add in my current good dose of a background depression over the hoplessness, futility, and not fatalism over my past prest and future.... I have nothing to get excited over.

Quote from: oZma on January 21, 2013, 01:12:43 PM
so i think im an aesxual... i just watched that documentary called "(a)sexual" and well it seems like i'm one of them... maybe? 

the way i understand asexuals is they just don't have an attraction to men or women.  they may masturbate, relive themselves sexually, but aren't interested in doing the sex with men or women. 

i think back in my life and my sexuality has always been an internal orientation.  it has always been about being feminine, wearing cute clothes, etc... to the point i believed  ->-bleeped-<-... granted i understand why she is wrong, but at the time i read it... it made sense to me.

so in attempt to understand my sexuality growing up, i took these feelings as "wanting to be feminine" as "wanting a feminine girlfriend" and dated girls, had sex, fell in love, etc...  i look back and i can't tell if i was attracted to these girls or if i thought i was supposed to be attracted?  sex always seemed very removed for me.  i had to think about other things in my head to get off or else i would loose my erection which caused lots of anxiety about sex.

so now after living as female for ummm 9 months and have gone on dates with guys, even slept with one, i don't really seem all that excited by the idea of men.  i even had a pre-T transman come home with me one night and try to do sex with me ~ he liked it, but wasn't really sure what i was supposed to do lol

i go back and forth in my head between whether i like boys or girls, this stresses me out... one second i think i want to be the submissive in a relationship with a guy, then the next i miss the loving relationship i had with women?  one day i tell myself i like men, the next i tell myself im a lesbian... now i'm starting to think i just don't like either and my brain just doesn't want to accept that... so i spend time trying to like guys only to realize i don't and then i go back telling myself i like women only to realize the same thing. 

but then again, it could just be my fear of being a trans?  the fact i have a penis instead of a vagina?  that i don't want anal sex with a guy?  that i don't want to be with a guy when i still have a penis? 

i think in my head i just need to give men a chance and ill realize i like them, but every time i go on a date or even think about it, i get turned off :(

maybe i just need a vagina?  or maybe i just need to accept that i'm asexual and neither boys or girls turn me on?  i don't know why but just thinking about being an asexual makes me cry?  it hurts :(

so i guess i'm wondering if anybody else has these same kind of feelings?  if anyone has experience with what i feel?

Yes to what you wrote. It has gotten really bad this last year. I just got the Idea about asexualism. But really, my sexually has become a confusing mess to me. A fews years back on this forum I said I like girl, next I like men well back to girls again. for a time I did not care for either. I think Im tired of trying to find a label. I think Im trisexual. YEAH, must be it. Lol.  :) good luck with that beause I still done know.

Not MtF, but I am asexual in the sense that I'm don't desire sex [and I don't enjoy it as a result of this; it's just something I did to please the partner].  I can easily be romantically attracted to someone [I identify as panromantic with homoromantic leanings], but that doesn't mean I want to have sex with them or that I will ever want to have sex with them.  Do I know why I identify this way?  No, I do not.  It gets confusing because occasionally I do have a sex drive, but I never mentally want to act on it.  It is never appealing to me and that's fine.

You may never know why you're asexual or semi-sexual or whatever you want to call it it.  Unless it's a hormonal imbalance that can be corrected [and that you want corrected], then it's all right and just focus on living your life how you want it.  Life can be quite fulfilling without sex and, in my opinion, is even better without it.

I've only recently acknowledged that I'm basically asexual - and one of the reasons it's taken so long is because in my culture, sexual desire is so relentlessly "normalised" and hyped that having little or no desire for sex is automatically pathologised. I've realised I've always had what I now think of as strong sensual attraction to people, but assumed it was sexual attraction because that's what I'd been led to expect. For sure, there are occasionally clinical reasons why someone might be asexual, but there's no reason why it should be assumed to be the case.

Perhaps you're a hermaphrodite mentally? I never have and will never have any sort of penetrative sex pre-SRS.

Sex becomes desirable if it's built on a strong friendship to begin with, other than that zip! Being MtF on HRT will cause libido to tank. Some of us resort to auto-erotica (masturbation) coupled with mental fantasies and excitement at the sight of our own bodily changes. It works for awhile, but even it becomes boring. Finally having found out that a good libido is dependent on a small amount of testosterone, this is true even for cis females, I apply a tiny dollop of topical testosterone cream  applied to the anal exterior once a day following my shower. My libido came on strong, I enjoy sex now and have enjoyed full body climaxes similar to that of my cis female partner.

Kia Ora Ozma,

I'm an asexual biromantic/affectionate ...No 'sexual' attraction, I just like 'people'... men, women, it doesn't matter...  My 'non' sexual orientation came out of the closet along with my gender identity...Just as I believe for many trans-women their true/deeply hidden sexual orientation comes out of the closet with their gender identity...

However I loved my ex - we had children together...I did 'enjoy' sex with her, but didn't 'crave' it...It was just something that couples did-no big deal...

I remember the first doctor I saw about going on HRT, she warned me about the possible loss of 'sex drive', it didn't worry me I had no real interest in sex anyway...

It's possible, if you are 'asexual', after a while feelings will just flow 'naturally' and become the norm ie you'll find contentment...

::) Meanwhile ...A light hearted look at the difference between natural asexuality and celebacy  ;D

. A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the 'R'! We missed the 'R'!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEB R ATE !!!"  ;) ;D

Being asexual is not a 'choice' : http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Asexuality (http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Asexuality)

Metta Zenda :)

I meant to add to what I wrote before that I think there's a significant difference between sexual attraction (in the sense of "wanting to have sex with someone") and sexual arousal (in the sense of a physical response, i.e. getting an erection, or getting wet). We can get physically turned on even when we're not sexually attracted to someone, which can confuse the issue if we assume that being turned on always means we "want sex".

Quote from: Zenda on January 23, 2013, 01:33:52 AM
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEB R ATE !!!"[/i]  ;) ;D

Metta Zenda :)

Good one, and probably true!  :D ;D :laugh:

I never have been a sexual person but do enjoy being close and a little passionate. It's just that I've always had such a disconnect with the boy parts that anything sexual was frustrating and at times embarrassing.

In my teens and twenties when I had the urges to "be with" a girl it was mostly to have a chance to explore a female body and to dream/imagine me having the same features they have...more frustrations for sure!

Yes I consider myself asexual, but I honestly don't see it as a bad thing at this point. I haven't had sex in over 8 years and even that attempt was quite boring.

I do like to look sexy sometimes though, so asexual is not really how I want to appear if that makes sense.