Susan's Place Transgender Resources

[Couldn't really find an appropriate section for this, so I thought I would just put it where people go a lot.]

I met my ex-girlfriend (oh how it hurts to put ex here) here, on Susans. She lives on the other side of the ocean. We contacted each other through Skype, and we quickly became friends. She had a boyfriend at the time. Gradually, we became closer and closer friends, and affectuous friends. After a couple of months, we always wanted to be with each other, and talked about how awesome it would be for us to be roommates, and such, and even kidding about marriage. I didn't know at the time, because I didn't have a clear understanding of love, and also expected myself to be more heterosexual, but I'd been absolutely into her for a while then.

Her relationship with her boyfriend hadn't been going well lately, and they broke up. I didn't rejoice, oh no, I really felt sorry for her, but when she told me they were better off that way because of how horrible he was being to her, I tried to cheer up too. But I really wanted her to be happy, so I needed a while not to regret her relationship anymore.

After a few days - a week maybe - I was visiting my mother, and she'd been mean to me. I jumped on the computer and talked to my best friend. She consoled me and made me feel so much better, like always. She understood, as always. She cared, as always. I thought I wanted to be with her forever. Then the thought of her getting a new boyfriend crossed my mind, and I surprised myself thinking I didn't want her to.

Having processed what should've been obvious, I confessed to her. And I was extremely happy she told me she felt the same.

My love for her grew with time. She was just so perfect, so charming, so helpful, so honest, so caring. And said she felt the same (and I have no reason to doubt it). She was everything to me, and I did not want to envision any aspect of my life without her. We made projects. She would visit me next summer, and then we would begin immigration procedures. If everything had gone well, she could immigrate under the "conjugal partner" category of immigrants. We would move in together, go to university together, then maybe found a little business together. A few years after that, we would marry, have a wonderful honeymoon trip, and try our hardest to adopt children. I'd been daydreaming about having children with her before even thinking about anything physical, after all.

I loved her more than I ever thought was possible. (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,125171)

Speaking of physical things, just like with everything else, she, and my love for her, gradually opened me up to a point I didn't believe was possible. From being reluctant to the idea of just a wet kiss, with time, I dreamt of her undressing me and kissing me everywhere. Until dysphoria shattered the daydream, but well.

She gave my life a purpose. She also made me a better person over time. She cared to tell me what I was doing wrong, and was willing to support me in my attempts to overcome my difficulties. In that sense, on top of being my lover and best friend, she was a bit like a mother, too.

And then, in the autumn, things started to go wrong-ish. She went full-time and we both started school again, which made us see each other less, considering the 6-hour time difference. When we talked though, nothing seemed wrong. She seemed a little distant, and I did mention it a couple of times, but I didn't insist too much as I have absolute trust in her, and if she tells me it's fine, it's fine.

After a while, though, It'd been a while since I'd heard her express her love, and I felt the need for her to do it. I wasn't really frustrated, just needy, I guess. But at that point, she went offline for a long while. It was hard, but I did my best not to worry about something happening to her, and to hold on without her. It lasted for a long time.

After a week maybe, I couldn't help it. We'd been seeing each other maybe one hour a week, and in a hurry, for a month, and now she'd just disappeared. I sent her an SMS saying how I would've really liked a sign of life, because her absence of response was making me feel bad with time, even though I was trying my best not to let those feelings get to me. I feared I had done something wrong enough for her not to like being with me anymore.

She replied in the beginning of November, after a couple of weeks maybe, just after I mailed her her incredibly late hand-made birthday gift, ironically.

There had been huge digging in her area to renovate phone lines, and that was followed by a catastrophic flood in her country. As a result, no Internet for a long, long while. Oh yeah, for this to make sense, one detail: I could text her, but she couldn't text me back. A silly issue of her carrier not having a contract for sending SMS to Canada and the US.

She said she was very sorry for not having been able to contact me, and explained the circumstances. She had borrowed her father's phone to send me an email through his mobile connection - and she hates him, which tells me, very dire situation. She also, and most of all, told me she had fallen out of love with me, apologised a lot, saying she hadn't missed me or felt the need to be with me at all. She was very sorry to say she could not find an explanation to it.

I was devastated. Even more so considering how cruel it felt that I'd never been able to meet her physically, to hold her hands, to kiss her lips, to stare at her eyes, etc. I wrote her a long SMS in which I said I wasn't angry at her, was actually grateful for her honesty, while not hiding my feelings, and then I spent a long week-end walking around like a useless ghost, after which I cheered up under a not-so-healthy motive.

At the end of the week-end, I thought there had to be a way, and that even if not, if I could be her best friend still, I would be content with that. I wrote her that, also saying I'd like it if we waited until we could talk live to make it official, and also that I figured she wanted space from me, and that I would refrain from texting her from now on. (Up to that point I'd been texting her daily to tell her about silly things in my life and to say I loved her.)

The following weeks were hard, but smoothed by the fact I retained hope. She came back in the end of November, when Internet was finally fixed.

I was really happy to see her. I tried to ask her about the reasons why she'd stopped loving me, but she didn't have an answer. But even though she assured me she did use to love me and didn't exaggerate her feelings, she was sure she didn't love me anymore. She said she still cared about me and considered me one of her best friends, though, so I was very happy. She said she might still come visit me next summer, which on top of the obvious emotional good stuff would be a real life-saver for my transition, as next summer is when I'm going full-time. I don't know what I would have done if she'd wanted to cut bonds completely.

That was two months ago. I've been trying hard to let her go, to ditch my love and focus on friendship. And for a while, I think I was slowly making progress. But lately, for the two last weeks maybe, all those efforts have crumbled to nothingness, it seems. I love her more than anything. I might even love her more than ever before. I keep hoping that she'll come next summer, and that then things will fix themselves, that she'll fall in love with me again. But deep down, I have a feeling it won't go my way, because as a general rule, things don't go my way.

I've gone back to starting at her picture with a smile on my face and daydreaming and kissing air, of saying all the sweetest words in the world, imagining I'm whispering them into her ear, to thinking of our wedding, of all the romantic things we would do together, of us having children together... I feel she's the love of my life, and even though I tried, I just don't want to let her go. Tonight, even, I've sort of taken the resolution of "confronting" her with my feelings, putting my heart out, and asking for a way, any way, to revive our couple. Which I feel would make anyone feel kind of awkward. And this is more or less what prompted me to post.

Don't get me wrong. It doesn't pain me to talk to her. It makes me really happy to talk to her. And I'm still convinced that being just her best friend, while not my favourite solution, would give me more than enough love and happiness, as long as I can be with her, not necessarily all day, every day, forever. I need her, and my love is unconditional. Any amount of love, big or small, that I can get back from what I give, I'll take it. And I think I could do with her finding someone, too, as long as I can be there, and as long as I can do what I can to make her happy. I'm usually a down-to-earth person, but right now, my primary, number one, goal in life, is to be close to her.

But it's not so simple. Immigration, unless you're in couple with a local or a very rich student who can afford the huge university fees for foreigners, is hard if not impossible "just like that". There's always the exchange programs to France which are subject to an agreement with the Québec government, but even though that's pretty close (2-3 hours) to her, thanks to the smallness of European countries, it sounds so hard to achieve. I don't even know where to begin. And I can't hide that I'd crave for more, something I could see her a few days a week at least.

I don't really know what I'm hoping for with this message. Advice, comments, I don't know. But I had to speak of this with someone before I talk to her and it comes out all wrong, and whoever I would talk about this with in private would either make me feel awkward with comments and "just do X" advice (family), feel awkward (nice people who'd feel pressured to help and wouldn't know how) or wouldn't have time to help (psychologist, 50 minutes a week).

I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but you have my heartfelt sympathies. The end of a relationship is often very difficult.

Thanks. When you have issues, a hand on the shoulder is always much better than nothing. ^.^

I have a lot of trouble believing the "better" part, since she's by far the best person I've ever met, but thanks.

Though I'm not sure it's necessarily better that I've never known her physically. To me it feels more cruel because of that.

I can only say that things will get better with time.

I was in a similar situation not that long ago when I met who I would consider to be the love of my life. I had never felt so strongly for anyone before, love someone so much, the most beautiful woman I ever seen, who I connected to well with on so many levels, we could and would talk about anything and everything, I loved her, and still love her so much. And a love stronger then I felt for any other person. Only, it didn't work out well. She fell in love with someone else and I was distraught beyond belief.

It took many months (Think it was upwards of 8 months before I could begin to accept it) for me to finally get to a point where I accepted the truth, that the two of us was not to be. But when I came to that point, when I came to accept the truth I was at ease all of a sudden. And now, she is one of my very bests friends who I can talk to about everything, and I still love her.

Sadly at times things do not go as you wish them to, but that does not have to be all bad, good things can come out of bad things. I would even say that I prefer the relationship I have to her now, because I have a very close friend who really understands me and I can talk to, and I got a girlfriend whom I love very much.

I don't know if it sheds any light or hope on your situation, but I hope it does. Things do get better.

/S

Oh dear. :( I hate to tell you this, but I really recommend that you take some "you time" to heal your broken heart. I tormented myself for ages trying to "stay friends" with my ex. It just broke my heart over and over, and it almost always goes that way. You see their face, hear the things they say, and you just start holding on to hope which makes it drag out and hurt more when something happens to betray that hope.

*hugs* I'm sorry you're going through this though. I still remember how hard I took the break up of my relationship and I wouldn't wish these sort of emotions on my worst enemy.

I'm friends with most of my ex's.. But, in every case, we had time away from each other, we had to in order to be friends..

I don't really understand you all, with this talk of staying away for a while. Before, during and after our relationship, she just sheds light on my life. I've been hearing that a lot, but I still don't get it. Maybe I'm just too simple-minded? I mean, if she can't give me the same amount of love I have for her, that's not ideal, but since she makes me so happy, I don't think I should be getting away from her. I won't lie, I still very much have the hope of bringing our relationship back, but even if it fails, I'll still be happy. o:

Quote from: A on January 24, 2013, 09:20:12 PM
I don't really understand you all, with this talk of staying away for a while. Before, during and after our relationship, she just sheds light on my life. I've been hearing that a lot, but I still don't get it. Maybe I'm just too simple-minded? I mean, if she can't give me the same amount of love I have for her, that's not ideal, but since she makes me so happy, I don't think I should be getting away from her. I won't lie, I still very much have the hope of bringing our relationship back, but even if it fails, I'll still be happy. o:

In most cases, it was quite simple.. The relationship had become toxic for one or both parties, so some time apart allowed that toxicity to diminish to the point that we were able to be friends again. One of them has even expressed some vague interest in a reconciliation..

My advice to you A, is move on.. It seems she has.

Oh, yes, I guess if the relationship had gone bad, it makes sense to want to be away. But she just stopped loving me without much of an explanation, so even though it's a bit frustrating not to know, I guess that makes us different in a way.

But seriously, I have no idea how to move on. I'm hoping my feelings will change on their own with time through an unknown process, because if they don't (and if she doesn't love me back), I have no idea of how to change them. I really do feel like I'll love her until I die.

Am sorry A, when a relationship ends it's just plain tough - there's no other way of putting it.

Sometimes distance is the biggest killer for a relationship. Even if both persons are perfect for each other. Maybe this would be what you need to push yourself to find someone who loves you and someone who you could be physically close to.

It's ok to feel like you want her back and willing to negotiate for it - it's a sign that you are grieving for a losing someone's love.

It's a sign that you are moving through the various stages of grieving - although sometimes we go back and forth between them, it's something we must do to finally move on.

Once you do move on, maybe then you would be able to cherish the memories you had. And find someone who loves you and would never stop loving you.

::Hugs::
Alexia

Do you think I would be making a mistake if I reopened the topic with her?

The thing is, this isn't about her. It isn't about how happy she has made you in the past. She might offer you moments of happiness now, but it's obvious that she is bringing you more pain than happiness. It doesn't mean that anything is wrong with her, or with you, but currently, you want more than she can give. :( She doesn't have those feelings, at least not right now, and it's hurting you. You owe it to yourself to heal. It doesn't mean you'll never talk again. It just means you take a break until you can be content with just being friends. Perhaps it could be more in the future, but you can't know and have to be OK with things as they are for now.

But I swear she's definitely bringing me more happiness than sadness. To me, it feels like I was at level zero and she brought me up to level 100, and dropped me back to level 30. She, and loving her even though it's not reciprocated, makes me happier than normal either way. Is it weird? Am I really so abnormally not greedy to be okay with friendship even when I still crave for love? Or am I misunderstanding something?

Besides, as for a break, I definitely think I've had more than my share of it. She was away for a month, and around it, so busy we don't get to talk much. Besides, I am okay with being friends, actually. I just don't know how to give my feelings for her up. And well, to be honest, even if I were going to love her all my life and we would be friends all my life, it doesn't sound like a bad deal.

I think one of the reasons I have trouble giving up my love is that I don't really have the reason, and I think it may be my fault, and have this very strong desire to target what might have caused her to fall out of love with me and work on those things my hardest, to be worthy of her, to maybe have a chance at love with her again, and to ensure she doesn't "fall out of friendship" with me on top. And well, I hate a lot of myself, so it's not like I would be doing it just for her sake. Whatever she thinks is a shortcoming, I probably think it's one too. I have critical issues with my life and additional motivation in fixing some of them would sure help.

I had the same experience. That friendship would be OK even though I loved her. And that, it was much better than being alone considering she was my everything for years...that perhaps I could work through this, that perhaps I would lose her if I took time away. And I felt like, maybe this could be different than everyone else's experiences with breaking up.

I just know that in the end, I hurt myself way more than I had to. I can say that in hindsight now, but I didn't see it at the time. I just hate the thought of someone torturing themselves in the same way I did. In the end, it's your decision. *hug* Only you know yourself and you know her better than any of us do.

I'm not trying to be stubborn or anything. It's just that I don't understand it very well. ._.

Hon, Nobody every understands what to do or how to handle it. We just need to let the tears flow and give ourselves the time and respect that we deserve.

If you feel the need to talk to her - tell her how you feel and how much you have really want to have her as a friend - if that is what you want - That is what I did when my best friend and I ended our relationship (we were best friends and then partners) we are still best friends and there's no person I love and respect more than her.

But give yourself the love and respect that you deserve.

Hope things get better...

::Hugs::
Ally.

Hi A,

A s you said in your title 'Eternal Love' . There are no rules in love and really no way to explain it.  When is love infatuation and is that love? How do we fall inlove and do we all feel the same way? Is your love for a person the same as that persons love for you? You say you were both in love (not doubting, just stating) but obviously there was and is a difference in the feelings that generated that. You are heart  broken and feeling the sad normal feelings of a broken heart. No one else knows what that is like either. Your friend isn't too bothered.

One of the key reasons that humans have evolved as a species is the mutations that lead to 'us' being able to communicate. All animals, and plants, do communicate too some degree but humans developed mutations that enhanced that and gave a very big evolutionary advantage.

The problem is it doesn't really work very well. Humans are very good at communication, one reason we keep having wars, fight argue and generally don't get on. And that is without emotions being brought in!

Once we are in an emotional relationship all laws go to pot. I love you, you love me, therefore you know exactly what we think and feel.

But I'm pretty sure we don't.

The reasons lovers feelings changed doesn't really matter, and in many ways I don't think it is a good idea to explore why. The reasons may be so small; in your opinion, that you will leap and say 'Oh I'll change that!' But it won't change anything.

Emotions are incredibly complex and I don't think we ever understand them.

E.G.

'I don't like you!' "why we have only just met"  'I know I cannot explain why either'


'I really like you!' " that's nice, but we have just met, but I think I like you too"

The difference?

Geex knows.

I think it is time to rebuild and move on. Remember the fun times and don't dwell on the sad.

Hugs

Cindy

Thanks, that's a very wise answer. Though remembering the good times is probably not the best idea either, because that just makes me fall in love even deeper. :p