Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I feel male and female, I am also intersex, I also am transgender, because i want to present as more female than male. I want to transition , however i will always feel both male and female. In addition to this i want to express my genderfluidity and some days do you tube videos in male voices and on some days do them in female ones. But having lived as male for so long, and raised as male i find it hard to see how i can shed some of my habits and mannerisms enough to really be at a comfortable place. I would say some days i'd like to dress androgynous and some days in just jeans and a shirt, some days in a super girl outfit and some days in a superman one. Yet also i want hrt,and srs surgery and dress just how i feel on certain days. I have days where i feel 100% female, and girly girl, and some days where i just seem in the middle.

Does all that seem logical to you?

I don't think it needs to be logical :).  You just need to be authentically you.

You might be a rarer case, but you're in no way unique. People who feel androgynous / genderqueer exist, and there's nothing wrong with them.

As long as you're sure you're not just doing things halfway because you're afraid or something, it's perfect that way.

Can't really comment on the genderfluidity, I never WANT to present as male.

But some days, I'm kinda ok with presenting as male (which is getting rarer and rarer), but usually thats because I'm distracted with things that are linked to gender expression, like talking to people online my female persona. Even with old friends that I've come out and they expect me to use male adjectives.

For a while I wasn't sure, I knew I wanted to transition and present as female all the time but I didn't really hate being male, but at this point I was in serious denial and convincing myself I'm just a CD/TV who wants to go at least part-time.

It took a while after that before I was serious about transition and all I could think about was going full-time, but I still have days where I feel "just ok" and think is it necessary?

But I've always had good days and bad days when it comes to gender, and good periods and bad periods. Months of crossdressing and then just stop for a few months.

I always come back to the same point though...

I think for some people this see-saw effect is normal.

Just give yourself time, these things usually sort themselves out and you will know.

I absolutely don't want to present as male, but I wouldn't mind presenting as not 100% feminine. I guess you could call that "stereotypical lesbian attire," or even just indie.

Quote from: toxicblue on January 23, 2013, 10:51:12 PM
I absolutely don't want to present as male, but I wouldn't mind presenting as not 100% feminine. I guess you could call that "stereotypical lesbian attire," or even just indie.

Giggling helplessly at that right now.


Shawn, you may want to check out the Androgyne forum here. That's where are all the gender-complex folks tend to hang out and chat.

I second checking out the Androgyne forum. I spent a lot of time there in the past, and still relate to them better than binary people sometimes.

I have already been to the Androgyne plenty of times. I was just curious as to know how many people were in my situation that were also mtf

I used to when I was a guy in the 70s and 80s,I would be a bad ass bearded biker for a few weeks then shave my beard off and present andro with stretch jeans and  T shirts.

I've dealt with feeling cross gendered for a very long time and have come to terms with it for myself pretty well-- though I'm always tinkering with things. It's a lot more challenging to realize you can't take an off-the-shelf lifestyle and be just a man or a woman or even a transgender women (as many on this forum are). You have to be creative and create your own way to be-- but ultimately, it will be more satisfying if that's who you are.

While I'm not an expert on the subject, I'm pretty sure that if you do not feel 100% female, it would not be a good idea to go on HRT or have SRS surgery. In fact, I don't think any ethical therapist or doctor would provide you with these unless a qualified therapist has assessed that this is the case.

There are plenty of people living gender liquid lifestyles, and while it will always have it's difficulties, if it's who you are you'll find a way to make it work for you. Society has certain unspoken (and sometimes spoken) rules about being one gender or the other and I've always found life easier to come across as distinctly one or the other, for sure. Certainly with jobs and social situations it's best to present with some consistency. I've found, though, that it helps to present oneself as more androgynous most of the time because this makes people more understanding of your situation. I like to say I'd rather have people say "is that a man or a woman" than "look at that man dressed as a woman".

I'm probably not the best role model for this since I work at home and don't have terribly active social life. Our wonderful friend Barbie on this forum is a great example of someone living a fairly public androgynous life, though. She's genetic male who is married with children and a university scholar who presents publicly (and beautifully, I might say) as primarily female, but generally androgynous. Do a web search of modeling superstar Andrej Pejic (my current fav fashion star) to learn about a very publicly successful androgynous lifestyle.

~ Lyric ~

QuoteWhile I'm not an expert on the subject, I'm pretty sure that if you do not feel 100% female, it would not be a good idea to go on HRT or have SRS surgery

Why? there are plenty of cisgender females who feel like having a male expression or feel like a mix of male and female. Why should I be any different in that regard? I know I have to transition, because my outer body does not match who I am inside. I already have been told I have GID by my doctor and therapist. Dressing up in women's clothes or removing body hair, is not enough for me. While I may be intersex, it is causing me much dysphoria to continue to have a body that has mixed traits.

I even had a dream where God told me its not ok for me to be a man. I asked God if it was ok for me to be a woman.
I still see myself more of a woman than a man, i just am going to keep aspects of my current self, such as my voice , because I do voice impressions and I like speaking the way I do. Then of course i don't have a desire to dress feminine every day.

I despise being male.....but that's just me, your experience may vary ;)

I have a friend who is mtf but pretty gender-queer. she is both male and female. she dress boyish and has short hair with no makeup. yet passes as female.

No way... I have always wanted to be female, want to present as female, and feel icky when I have had to present as male. I want nothing to do with being male, although I know and realize it is part of my past, which I cannot change.

Quote from: Michelle G on January 24, 2013, 11:14:22 AM
I despise being male.....but that's just me, your experience may vary ;)

I despise having been forced to assume the male role....I have never felt male at all....

Quote from: Natkat on January 24, 2013, 12:39:26 PM
I have a friend who is mtf but pretty gender-queer. she is both male and female. she dress boyish and has short hair with no makeup. yet passes as female.

That's cool, I think i will try long hair first though, i had long hair all the way down to my back when i was 19, I cut it short because i was trying to get in the army, and then just left it that way.

However I was thinking of sporting a look like this:

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffc09.deviantart.net%2Ffs70%2Ff%2F2011%2F094%2F8%2F6%2Fgenderbend_kon_by_minicooly-d3d6xh6.jpg&hash=c10e43a73c0b7d1c566234dd1a714b8a737d8216)

Or maybe even this:

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fth02.deviantart.net%2Ffs70%2FPRE%2Fi%2F2012%2F051%2Fe%2Fa%2Fsuperwoman____laurel_kent_by_spidermanfan2099-d4qdaz5.jpg&hash=1a87757626a32e18c18a79617da5b371b02d0258)

Quote from: Shawn Sunshine on January 24, 2013, 04:50:09 PM
That's cool, I think i will try long hair first though, i had long hair all the way down to my back when i was 19, I cut it short because i was trying to get in the army, and then just left it that way.

However I was thinking of sporting a look like this:

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffc09.deviantart.net%2Ffs70%2Ff%2F2011%2F094%2F8%2F6%2Fgenderbend_kon_by_minicooly-d3d6xh6.jpg&hash=c10e43a73c0b7d1c566234dd1a714b8a737d8216)

Or maybe even this:

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fth02.deviantart.net%2Ffs70%2FPRE%2Fi%2F2012%2F051%2Fe%2Fa%2Fsuperwoman____laurel_kent_by_spidermanfan2099-d4qdaz5.jpg&hash=1a87757626a32e18c18a79617da5b371b02d0258)

You may want to skip out on the cape.

I will only wear the cape for comic conventions  :police:

This is me:
I am a man and there is a woman inside of me. I am married and happy to be my wifes husband. But I also want to be the woman I know is inside of me. I want to be my wifes lesbian lover, but she only is attracted to men. But I am also ok to continue being the man I also am. But I want to be female, no wait, male. I want to do HRT and become the woman. No, I have been a man too long and would never pass. My wife would leave me. The people in my life would not understand. So what, become the woman you want to be. Dammit!

This is how I have been thinking everyday for the last two months.

Shawn, what you describe reminds me of "genderfluidity."

Quote from: Kay12 on January 24, 2013, 06:43:26 PM
This is me:
I am a man and there is a woman inside of me. I am married and happy to be my wifes husband. But I also want to be the woman I know is inside of me. I want to be my wifes lesbian lover, but she only is attracted to men. But I am also ok to continue being the man I also am. But I want to be female, no wait, male. I want to do HRT and become the woman. No, I have been a man too long and would never pass. My wife would leave me. The people in my life would not understand. So what, become the woman you want to be. Dammit!

This is how I have been thinking everyday for the last two months.

You are not alone

Courage!!!

This topic brought up some intresting questions in my own head. I'm mtf, going through HRT now and is dead set on going through SRS as soon as I can. Yet I never identified as neither a man nor a woman. I know what I want, and I know that going through HRT and SRS is the right choise for me, just looking at how increadibly more happy I am now simply because I'm almost able to pass as a woman on the street, I know I'm on the right path. The clothes I wear at times I wouldn't call female clothes, at times when I do dress in very feminine clothes, a long beautiful dress, I might very well use my bomberjacket instead of my lovely feminine winter coat.

I don't think it really got much to do with which gender I identify with, I think it's more to do with my person, I'm a person who wants to wear whatever she feels like, and got a liking to baggy pants, berets, my lovely bomberjacket, aswell to dresses, skirts and thight tops. Now in terms of fashion I can understand people not agreeing with what I wear. But I never cared about that.

I must say this was a very intresting and for me thought provoking topic. Just sitting here typing this I got the thought of; "I'm going to dig deeper into this, and see what I find within myself."

/S

Quote from: Shawn Sunshine on January 24, 2013, 10:51:55 AM
Why?

Well, as I said, I'm no expert on the subject, but HRT and and certainly SRS are very serious things to do to your body. It's not the same as wearing different clothes or something. There are some pretty huge risks and permanent changes that happen. Some people who have gone on HRT who are not entirely TS have experienced severe depressions, for example. It changes you emotionally as well as physically. And, of course, with SRS you say goodbye to any sort of male sexuality forever-- and, sometimes-- to most of one's sex drive anyway. Plenty of people have undergone the permanent changes of these treatments only to regret having done so and realize they can't go back.

My point was that, while HRT and SRS are necessary for some of use to reach the state of comfort with gender we must have, there are other options for those of us with a more divided gender identity. There's no perfect answer to the desire to be cross gendered, but it can be done-- and without hormones or surgery, I think.

~ Lyric ~

Quote from: Lyric on January 25, 2013, 12:30:42 PM
Well, as I said, I'm no expert on the subject, but HRT and and certainly SRS are very serious things to do to your body. It's not the same as wearing different clothes or something. There are some pretty huge risks and permanent changes that happen. Some people who have gone on HRT who are not entirely TS have experienced severe depressions, for example. It changes you emotionally as well as physically [....]

My point was that, while HRT and SRS are necessary for some of use to reach the state of comfort with gender we must have, there are other options for those of us with a more divided gender identity. There's no perfect answer to the desire to be cross gendered, but it can be done-- and without hormones or surgery, I think.

~ Lyric ~

I dont ID 100% female most of the time (perhaps not "entirely TS" as you put it). However, I am on HRT and have found that it has yielded both a significant reduction in my sense of disphoria as well as an increased sense of ease and confidence when crafting an androgynous presentation.

I held off on starting hormones for over two years after getting a therapist letter for them, precisely because I understood and respected the gravity and severity of moving forward with them. When it came down to it, however, dressing and mannerisms and social circles alone were not enough for me to be completely comfortable with myself, and did not do enough to align my gender identity with the way the world at large sees me.


In short, HRT is doing for me what the non-medical "other options" could not do.

I've been on hormones for a few years now, I also had an orchi. I got rid of my facial hair, adjusted my hair line and had a nose job. I no longer feel the need to express my female side, I'm just me and it's a comfortable place to be. No GD anymore, no need to worry about passing, voice, wide shoulders, being tall, etc, etc. I've never really been interested in clothes of either gender but they were useful when I had no other means of expressing the inner me.
I know I'd never have passed to my satisfaction and it certainly wouldn't have been possible in most situations so to me "what's the point" It would have only made me miserable.
Hormones for me weren't a tool to physically feminise me as such but they certainly helped me get rid of the GD. I think the psychological effects are more beneficial than the physical ones. I did have a degree of breast development and this can be a nuisance in certain circumstances but it's not hard to live with. I started my hormone journey with similar goals to the majority of other TG people but thankfully for me I realised after a period of clarity (No GD) that I didn't actually need to transition 100% to be happy, in fact not even close to 100%
Without doubt I have some female qualities but I'm predominately male, physically male, mannerisms male, outlook male but my inner female caused me no end of head f**k Women can be difficult ;) mine, me, I, she, we was :) These days she is happy being in the background, she no longer needs to make herself seen but she is always there.....

Quote from: peky on January 24, 2013, 02:07:51 PM
I despise having been forced to assume the male role....I have never felt male at all....

I feel the same way Peky. I hate the male gender role. It doesn't suit me at all.

Quote from: Lyric on January 24, 2013, 10:41:35 AM
While I'm not an expert on the subject, I'm pretty sure that if you do not feel 100% female, it would not be a good idea to go on HRT or have SRS surgery. In fact, I don't think any ethical therapist or doctor would provide you with these unless a qualified therapist has assessed that this is the case.

You'd be surprised. From the poll on the Androgyne forums, about a third of non-binary folks have undergone some form of medical intervention. And the majority of the remainder are considering it.

I certainly agree that caution should be exercised with permanent modifcations. But I think that's true regardless of how you happen to identify. Someone can also feel 100% female and find that medical intervention is wrong for them.