Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Did any of you have a hard time figuring out your name and what feels like you? I was kal/kaleb for 2 years or so and felt like i was stuck wit that and didnt really like it (its a long story) jus never felt like me...now ive been bray/brayden for prolly a year or a lil less...but im jus not sure, im playin around wit josh...i was josh at 1 point when i was 14 too but not for long...and if i do change it again i dont wanna deal wit people complainin...i feel like a burden and stupid if i do end up changing it to josh in the end

I think getting use to being called a different name is just an adjustment.... I just took a masculine version of my female name -- I really didn't feel like it was my name until I legally changed and strangers were calling me it b/c that is what was on my license

Yep, I went through that too. I was Matthew, Sebastian, and Zane for awhile. It got to a point where I just wanted to have a name and get it legal asap so I wrote a list of names I could live with and let my mother decide. It helped me and in some ways it helped her too. She felt as if she had a part and a say so in my transition. I've legally been Simon since 2002 and once you get a name and have it for awhile it grows on you.

I where stuggeling between 2 names. one had I used for a longer time online, the other one was a name I had not used but it where more close to my birth name and I liked it.

I made up my mind because we got some very annoying rules who say you need to be castrated/sterilizaed to change your name of the opposite sex(which im not and cant do before im 25). and one of the names was a male name and the one I had used online where unisex, So I ended up with that and im generally okay with it exept that it somethimes annoying cause people mispronouce and spell it in all diffrent ways.

Zinnia Jones wrote a really good article about choosing a new name, you might find it an interesting read: http://freethoughtblogs.com/zinniajones/2012/07/revising-the-self-the-names-we-use/ (http://freethoughtblogs.com/zinniajones/2012/07/revising-the-self-the-names-we-use/)

Mine was quick and easy. I was determined to keeping my initials and getting something common for my age group, and from there it didn't take me long on a babyname site to find one that sounded right in my ears.

A while later I found out that one of the name's meanings were "manly". Bwahah! XD

My name was quick and easy. I heard it and loved it. I was drawn to it. Maybe go on a site and make a list of names that jump out at you and choose one that is at the top of that list?

For awhile I considered Brian because it started with the same three letters as my birth name, but in the end I went with Devin Scott because that's what my parents would have named me had I been MAAB.  It also worked out well that Devin is a pretty gender-neutral name, since I still present female in most situations (which I wasn't planning on when I changed it).

I'm still getting used to getting called Devin.  It's been my legal name since the end of May, but sometimes it still doesn't feel like "me".  There's a certain disconnect, like even though I know people are referring to me, they don't actually mean me.  It helped a few times over the summer when I was getting yelled at by my boss and it almost felt like he wasn't really saying those things about me, but usually it's just disconcerting.  Sometimes it feels like I don't exist-- like this Devin person everyone is referring to is a figment of my imagination.  It's getting better, but it's taking a lot longer than I thought it would.  And the fact that my immediate family still calls me by my birth name doesn't help, although now when I think of my birth name, it REALLY REALLY doesn't feel like me.

At least I'm finally starting to look when I hear it and I'm getting a lot better at remembering to introduce myself as Devin.  I had an interesting episode during my interview for my current winter job where I did everything right: walked in, nice firm handshake, made eye contact, smiled, and said confidently, "Hi, I'm *birth name*" and her face just fell and she looked so confused because that wasn't the name on all my papers and I wound up having to explain how I changed my name.  Not how you want to start to an interview, but I got the job, so it couldn't have been that disastrous.

So yeah-- it takes awhile.

Yeah I kinda get that as well.  I went by Adam for about a year, but I didn't want to carry on using it as I'd just broken up with the person who helped me choose it.  I went by Alec for a time because it was close to Alex and that was what I briefly tried to get people to call me when I was younger, but my ex was then going by Alex.  I got over my hang ups about them and started calling myself Alex, although no one in real life knows that yet.

It feels strange to hear people call me Alex over the phone, on this forum or whatever.  It feels like I'm a fraud because it's not a name that's ever used in real life.  And I'm just not used to writing Alexander out in full, because 99% of the time I just don't need to on the internet, so I feel even less connected to that name.  I think I'll get used to it when people actually start calling me that, and I start using it.

There's also part of me who things that I'll end up changing it to Matt/Matthew because that's what I would have been named by my parents, but it goes against my wanting to have a name that begins with 'A' as it represents a new beginning to me, as I'm shutting the door on the part of me that lived under 'Z'.

I started out with something androgynous. I have a few people (including here) call me Jay, but I don't really mind the androgynous name either. My only problem with it is that it is VERY close sounding to my given name. Not sure if this is a pro or con. Sometimes I feel one way and sometimes another. I do like that I identify with it and it seems like its me.

--Jay

I went through Max, Vaughn, Seth, and Rob, now I'm Dean. Have been for a while, so hopefully this'll be the name I keep.

I'm the same as Devin. I feel really disconnected with the male name I've chosen for legal purposes. But when I first chose a name I wanted something unique and unisex-ish so it'd be easier for others and myself to transition to it. And that name really felt like me since the beginning, and I felt a real connection with it. Like it just fit. It's just some issues came up with it being so unique and people outting me. So I didn't want to be connected to that since I'm trying to live "stealth". And that name definitely ties to me being trans unfortunately. It sucks, but its something I had to do. And choosing a whole new name was very tough, because you have to find something that suits you. Something that feels like you, that sounds right. I made a list of names beginning with certain letters. And went through them, I liked so many it was very difficult cutting it down to a couple. I'm not 100% happy with it, but I had to do something because I was tired of having to live with my legal name, I just wanted it changed already. And I had been trying to figure it out for years but I just settled. I didn't want to deal with people complaining so I never told anyone about the new male legal name. So old people know me as one name and new people know me as another. Lol I hope you figure it out, best of luck!

From the article that Alex posted "This makes it an excellent and recognizable "brand", but for me, transitioning involved finding a name that blended in, didn't draw the wrong kind of attention, and was appropriate for my age." This is why I had chosen the male name I did, it was common and definitely male as where the other name was very uncommon and ambiguous.

I've had my name for three years. The only other name I really considered was "Patrick" and that lasted maybe a month, lol. I love Caleb. That said, sometimes it feels like people are just calling me it to be polite. It's hard to believe like, that's my actual, legal name because I've had people be hurtful about it.

I took the names my parents had been discussing before I was born.  The one my mother liked is my first name, and the one my father liked is my second.  It let me keep my initials, and I use my middle name because I don't like the name my mother picked...  However I am glad it is one of my names because essentially they are the names my parents chose.

If your family is supportive, ask what names were on the table when they didn't know what the stork was bringing.  Most people don't name themselves.

I wonder if you are fretting about the name because you feel it is the only thing you have control over in your life.

Transition can be a frustrating time because you can find you have no control.  Therapists (assuming you can find them) act as gate keepers, and either insurance companies or your own finances dictate what surgical corrections are available, and all avenues have big huge question marks hovering over them with dire warnings of complications.  Yep.  Transition can suck.

Shortman

Thanks for your responses and your help guys. It really does help! You kno i was thinking today and altho i respond to bray or brayden decently and my whole campus knos me as that mostly...i have a hard time saying it in my head and calling myself brayden. This mite jus be bc of time and needing more time...but im not sure.

I feel stupid going thru this AGAIN at an older age of 21 rather than 18...

joshua tyler?
joshua brayden (instead of brayden joshua)?
joshua brandon?

When I finally decided to bite the bullet and actually change my name, I agonized over the possibilities. In the end, I went with my old high-school alter ego name. I couldn't escape it. It pretty much picked me. And since I had been using that name for nearly twenty years by then...let's see, a good eighteen years...it was no trick for me to get used to it.

While I can't change my name until I'm on my own, I went through a couple- first it was Ren (nickname, yes from the cartoon, yes it was stupid, but it's the one androgynous name my mother would actually let me use irl) which came accidentally when a guy misheard my other nickname and gave me a nametag with it, then I wanted to be Cody (my mother's in utero nickname for me) but that was shot down, then Tyler (middle name), but it doesn't feel like it fits, so I went through many lists and the name Max sort of got up and slapped me for not noticing  :P I had always had this jealousy of anyone with that name, but I've decided to go by that someday, someday, when I am stealth.

Joshua Brayden sounds cool, but I think any of the three you listed could work.
And I wouldn't sweat it if I were you...society places so much emphasis on names, but one of the great things about transition is that when we change ours, we can mull it over and pick the one that best suits us, or if none them do, create our own.

I'd say don't panic if your name isn't entirely "you"-- most people's parents hadn't even met them yet when they picked theirs.  The fact that you have any say at all is going to make your name more your own than most people.  Though one of the reasons I went with the name my parents would have named me was to be freed from the responsibility of picking "wrong".  If I end up hating Devin in a few years-- oh well-- I'll be no different than the millions of other people who hate the names their parents gave them.  Same with you-- if you don't like your name a few years down the road, you're in good company.

I'm new here, this is actually my first post, but I thought it was interesting. My name is now Samuel simply because my birth name was Samantha and everyone called me Sam already. In retrospect, I really regret just going with whatever was easiest for other people, because I don't like the connection to my birth name. I wish I would've gone by Gabriel, my now-middle name, from the beginning. I guess that's what I get for trying to make it easy on others instead of going for what I really wanted!

I was Lukas Gabriel, Gabriel, wanted to be Viktor, and now I'm Aaron Gabriel.  Sometimes names just don't stick for the long run.  I settled on Aaron Gabriel late last year and so far it fits me just fine.  It took a lot of work and going through names to see if they felt right or not.  This one felt right to me and if I don't like it down the road, it's not like it's my legal name yet.

Quote from: Devin87 on January 25, 2013, 06:54:39 PM
If I end up hating Devin in a few years-- oh well-- I'll be no different than the millions of other people who hate the names their parents gave them.  Same with you-- if you don't like your name a few years down the road, you're in good company.

Excellent point. I'm not too fond of my name but my mom really liked it (she says it's after "Simon Peter" in the Bible). I think parents get so lost and confused many times when their child has decided to medically transition that giving them that little bit of say so (of picking the new name) means a lot to them.

Quote from: BeyondBirthday on January 25, 2013, 07:34:09 PM
I'm new here, this is actually my first post

Welcome to the site, Sam! If you have a moment swing by the Introduction thread and tell everyone a little about yourself.

Quote from: BeyondBirthday on January 25, 2013, 07:34:09 PM
I'm new here, this is actually my first post, but I thought it was interesting. My name is now Samuel simply because my birth name was Samantha and everyone called me Sam already. In retrospect, I really regret just going with whatever was easiest for other people, because I don't like the connection to my birth name. I wish I would've gone by Gabriel, my now-middle name, from the beginning. I guess that's what I get for trying to make it easy on others instead of going for what I really wanted!

I can relate picking something easy. I also went by the androgynous name in the past, so it was a name I was familiar with. Then I chose a name that sounds a bit like my given name. All that makes me tied to my name in a way-- that's both a good and bad thing imo. One thing my brain has started to is when someone calls me the wrong name I kind of drop the sounds I don't like in my head. It's an interesting little brain trick.

--Jay

I've been trying out a handful of first names, but ultimately and when I'm officially out, my mom will help me decide. As for my middle name, it will be close to my birth name. As others have said, for simplicity's sake. Those who knew me before and will/do know me now, can still use the same name without a long-winded explanation of why the change/two-name deal.

oh man, all those other names sounds great... i especially like Joshua Brandon for some reason

For me surprisingly after my brother got over the initial shock and disapproval after I came out as a man the thing he didn't like was my name! Edison isnt bad of a name right? He decided it would be ok if he called me Eddy or something like that. The only other name I've considered is Emmet but apparently people dont like that name either... It's Hebrew for "truth"! I find its rather appropriate.

Personally I think changing the last name goes against stealth.  Your surname is your connection to your family.  So the norm in many cultures is for you to have the same last name as your parents, and siblings.  Women more commonly end out with different last names because of marriage, but the men stick with their surname from birth.  Having a different last name from your family will make you stand out as someone who has clearly changed their name.

You have decades of life and relationships ahead which won't have anything to do with who you were.  Mr XXX Nichols son of Mr YYY Nichols is perfectly normal for your culture, and no one will blink.

Changing your last name can also have some unintended consequences.

Where I live if you change your last name, the old name and the new name have to be published in the newspaper just like births, marriages, and deaths.  No, I'm not kidding.  So check your local laws.

Shortman

I never would've even thought about changing my LAST name, since it's not the one I have a problem with :P At the same time, I understand those who would want to do. For me personally, my last name begins with Ab, so I'm always, always first, which I rather enjoy, so I wouldn't want to change it :)

Quote from: Shortman on January 26, 2013, 02:20:38 PM
Having a different last name from your family will make you stand out as someone who has clearly changed their name.

Yeah, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they'd suddenly suspect that you'd changed genders too. Loads of people change their whole names. For whatever reason. OCHOCINCO!

Quote from: Shortman on January 26, 2013, 02:20:38 PM
Where I live if you change your last name, the old name and the new name have to be published in the newspaper just like births, marriages, and deaths.  No, I'm not kidding.  So check your local laws.

In San Francisco, they run it for 4 weeks if you make ANY changes to your name, but there are tons of publications to choose from so pick the smaller ones because not only are they the cheapest, they also have a very small audience base.

Quote from: Tejas on January 26, 2013, 02:59:10 PM
Yeah, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they'd suddenly suspect that you'd changed genders too. Loads of people change their whole names. For whatever reason. OCHOCINCO!

I never said it did mean that you'd changed genders, just as someone who has changed their name.  ;)  It will be a question as to why you changed your surname.   So basically you'd need to invent a story for it.  Or you could not change your surname, no one would know you changed your name, and you wouldn't need to come up with a story.

I'm a big fan of KISS (keep it simple stupid), when it comes to stealth, and the inevitable white lies we end out telling about our lives.  The less you have to invent, the less you have to remember.  Inconsistencies and contradictory stories are the signs of a liar.  Again that doesn't mean people will assume you are trans, but it can sour a relationship when people think you're a liar.

Shortman

Haha, I think it's me, but I give out, "Cause I felt like it," as a reason quite often. It helps build the narcissistic shell I love so much. The best part of it is I'm actually being truthful. I know heritage and ancestry  important to a lot of people, but personally, it makes no difference to me as I have no attachment. Not sure how to explain it without sounding even more like an ass than I probably already do. However, I do value other aspects of culture though.

Picking and sticking with a name is definitely different for everyone.

I'm one of those people that firmly believes that you don't 'choose' the name, but that the name chooses you (A little like Pokemon, if you will)
When it came time that I wanted to go by a different name (Even though my birth name is rather androgynous) I knew that I didn't want something too similar to my birthname, but I did know that I was more inclined to have my first name start with a D because my father's name is David, and my grandfather's name was Delmar, so it seemed very appropriate to stick with a D, though I wasn't hell bent on it.

I made a list of names from sites that I found (babyname sites, of course) and then I went to a forum, posted a picture and asked for opinions. I tried going by a few of them; I really like Derrick, Ethan, Evan, and a few others, I tried then, but they didn't fit. They just didn't feel right, when people used them, I didn't realize that they were talking to me. But then I tried Darius, and the first time someone used it, I looked right up and I knew that that was me. I get a lot of crap over it, believe you me, because it's traditionally a Black name (African American, to be politically correct, if you insist) and I get over jokes over it ALL the bloody time, because I am painfully white. I've thought about changing it, but when I look I myself in the mirror, I go... "Nope, I'm Darius," And it's going to stay that way.

When it came to middle names, I went by Aiden for about a year. Darius Aiden. I wanted an A because my mother's last name is Andersen. But then I realized that every other transboy used Aiden as a first or middle name, and I wanted none of that. So I was back on the hunt again. I kept looking for an A, but didn't like anything that I came up with. So I started looking for other names that I hadn't thought about. At that time, I was really...painfully obsessed with Criminal Minds, and Matthew Gray Gubler, who plays Spencer Reid. My mother constantly compares me to Spencer, because I tend to rattle off bizarre and highly unknown facts like he does, just about all the time. So I played around with Darius Spencer, Darius Reid, and finally...the one that stuck, Darius Gray. I decided to keep it as 'Gray,' and not 'Grey,' namely because of the A, and also because 'Gray,' is the more 'British' spelling of the word, and I have ancestors from England, and wanted to pay homage to that.

For my last name, I took my birth name, and used that, so my first name is going to become my last. It's the first thing that I received coming into this world, so it's always going to be important to me, and I want it to be a part of my life.

I put a lot of thought behind all of my names, but for some people, it doesn't take all this thought. Just go with whatever feels comfortable.

Good luck there, mate!

Quote from: Shortman on January 26, 2013, 02:20:38 PM
Personally I think changing the last name goes against stealth.  Your surname is your connection to your family.  So the norm in many cultures is for you to have the same last name as your parents, and siblings.  Women more commonly end out with different last names because of marriage, but the men stick with their surname from birth.  Having a different last name from your family will make you stand out as someone who has clearly changed their name.

Not if you don't have contact with your family or you have a vexed relationship with them.