Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello! I'm a 22 year old MTF that has been talking to a guy I met on Facebook and we've been friends on it for several months now. I didn't tell him upfront that I'm trans but I just told him last night after talking for several months because I lost interest and didn't care what he thought of me anymore. He actually likes me even more now. But it's hard to tell if he's after me for sex or he really is the relationship type. I learned in my experience that half of the men will not be fine with what I have in my pants, and the other half would be fine but only for sex experiences, no emotional attachment.

But this guy, let's call him Adam. Adam is now obsessed in me and is all about me. It is my first time to have a guy that is obsessed in me since I started HRT 8 months ago because he wants to text every minute of the day now. He said he considers himself heterosexual because he never has done anything with another guy but did admit that he always dreamed of having a girlfriend with an extra piece downstairs. He just always have been curious about having a dick but still feels that he cannot have sex with someone that looks like a man. So I'm "perfect" for him.

We talked for hours and hours that night because I wanted to see what he was after for. He swears that he doesn't want just an one night stand and that he is open to dating if we start hanging out. He even already mentioned that he is fine with me not being able to have kids but also would be open to adoption. I get called "beautiful" by him over 30 times. I think he's handsome and don't see a problem with him but one thing that turns me off- he's a cigarette smoker. He said he has only one stick a day now and WILL quit for me. I jokingly said that I like to wait 1-6 months for a smoker's body to clean out before I'd agree to meet and he said he would wait that long.

So, does he sound like a ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<- or does it sound like I have a chance of having a man and should give him a chance?

he's a creep.

keep yourself safe.

What's the matter with guys who are into girls with penises?

If you were brunette and short would you be turned off by a guy that loves short brunettes?

Quote from: transtrender on January 30, 2013, 11:19:39 PM
he's a creep.

keep yourself safe.

lol.

Quote from: CalifornianChris on January 30, 2013, 11:12:53 PM
He said he considers himself heterosexual because he never has done anything with another guy but did admit that he always dreamed of having a girlfriend with an extra piece downstairs.

This is basically the definition of a ->-bleeped-<-, at least to me, and his obsessing is a bad sign cherry on top.

I have mixed feelings on this one. At a first glance, I'd say he's feeding you lines just to get you into bed. Maybe not for sex, but at least to confirm the image in his mind. But on the other hand, talking about adoption and stuff is a little over-the-top so I'd consider giving him a chance. Maybe take it really slow, slow enough that someone after sex would leave and take it from there.

I take the last half of that back. I missed the last couple sentences of your post. He smokes and will quit for you without ever having a date? Yeah he's feeding you lines. Nobody quits smoking for someone they just met. He knows it will make you happy.

Quote from: =celestica= on January 30, 2013, 11:20:12 PM
What's the matter with guys who are into girls with penises?

If you were brunette and short would you be turned off by a guy that loves short brunettes?

Assumptions built in here, but it's because he is WAY into the very thing that causes you mega dysphoria.  How is that compatible?

With that said I think you have to evaluate people on an individual basis and not let some label tell you whether you think it could work with somebody or not, but this guy seems so.... eager.  That would scare me a bit.

I think you should stay away from him! He sounds like a total perv to me! What is he going do if you SRS is he going to lose complete interest in you cause you no longer have a penis? And he's going to give up smoking for you it's amazing how a man will say anything to get a woman into bed.

Quote from: Jen on January 30, 2013, 11:36:29 PM
Assumptions built in here, but it's because he is WAY into the very thing that causes you mega dysphoria.  How is that compatible?

With that said I think you have to evaluate people on an individual basis and not let some label tell you whether you think it could work with somebody or not, but this guy seems so.... eager.  That would scare me a bit.

No i mean, the guy is a creep.
If he's texting the poor girl non-stop and she doesn't like it.

But what's wrong with a that "kind" of man(who is sane) being with a woman who is okay with her male genetalia?

He just sounds super clingy.

Quote from: Heather on January 30, 2013, 11:40:10 PM
He sounds like a total perv to me!

All men are perverts, it's their nature.
But is a man a pervert for liking a girl with a penis? No.

Quote from: =celestica= on January 30, 2013, 11:40:49 PM
No i mean, the guy is a creep.
If he's texting the poor girl non-stop.

But what's wrong with a that "kind" of man(who is sane) being with a woman who is okay with her male genetalia?

Okay with it is one thing, being super into it is another.

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on January 30, 2013, 11:41:00 PM
He just sounds super clingy.

Never a good sign.

Quote from: =celestica= on January 30, 2013, 11:40:49 PM
No i mean, the guy is a creep.
If he's texting the poor girl non-stop.

But what's wrong with a that "kind" of man(who is sane) being with a woman who is okay with her male genetalia?

There's nothing wrong with someone like that. It's just that the information in the OP's post makes this particular one sound like someone she needs to stay away from.

Quote from: =celestica= on January 30, 2013, 11:41:55 PM
All men are perverts, it's their nature.
But is a man a pervert for liking a girl with a penis? No.

You do make a good point. But I would still stay away from him if it was me I want a guy to like me for me and not for whats between my legs. But I think I'm just dreaming!

Quote from: =celestica= on January 30, 2013, 11:41:55 PM
All men are perverts, it's their nature.
But is a man a pervert for liking a girl with a penis? No.

course he's not a pervert because he's into it, he's a creep because he doesn't understand boundaries.
but it sounds like he fetishizes being trans, too.
which ain't a great place to be, on the receiving end of someone's fetishization.

I think you need to decide that yourself. Nobody here actually knows him, lol

Quote from: ~RoadToTrista~ on January 30, 2013, 11:58:23 PM
I think you need to decide that yourself. Nobody here actually knows him, lol

Very true good advice.

I agree, I think he's obsessed. Bad juju going on here.

I'd feel differently if, after you told him, he was like, "Oh, hey that's kinda cool! Tell me about the process, etc" instead of talking about wanting a girl with "an extra part" right up front.

I vote no, drop him, just say you're not comfortable but will keep his number/name, etc in case you change your mind. (Don't give him yours)

As a guy who will date both cis women and trans women, I will just say this. there is a difference between someone who doesn't mind a girl having a penis and someone who thinks a girl having a penis is different or a fantasy.

At the end of the day, it's about you and your comfort levels. If you're not comfortable with him, then you shouldn't date him, ->-bleeped-<- or not. However, I personally would refuse to date anyone who thought I was a different sort of man for having a vagina or who found my vagina to be a fantasy. Period.

While I do think that it's totally possible to have a meaningful relationship with somebody who has a "fetish" for trans people this guy seems clingy and I would personally stay away.

Even taking the fact that you're trans out of the equation - trust me guys can get very attached and clingy to girls they haven't even met without that being a factor - it's probably not wise to meet somebody from the internet who is showing that level of obsession. I've made that mistake a few times in the past and ended up with stalkers and even one guy who tried to kill himself after I broke up with him.

If he's not actually obsessed and he's just feeding you lines to get you in to bed (and again, this obviously happens to girls who are not trans too) - then I guess it's up to you whether you want that sort of experience, which by the sounds of it you don't.

Quote from: ~RoadToTrista~ on January 30, 2013, 11:58:23 PM
I think you need to decide that yourself. Nobody here actually knows him, lol

Thirding this, you know him and the situation better than you could explain to us, so go with your best judgment.

That said, my views on "->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-s" (first time hearing that phrase) is that I am fine with them if they are interested in me for who I am (example passing) but not fine if they are into solely for being trans. If a guy is interested in dating me and I come out to him and he says it's a huge fetish of his, then I'm comfortable in that situation because he was pursuing me before finding that out. However, if his reaction is lukewarm at best towards me until finding out I'm trans, then he's just interested in me as a sex object.

My take on your situation, he's clingy and should probably be avoided as far as relationship material goes.

I'm going to say there are red flags here, but they're not about the guy, they're about your feelings.

If you have to figure out whether being with him would be a good idea or not, then the answer is it would be be a bad idea.

If it were right with him, you would know it.

Like others said...

->-bleeped-<- or not, when a guy you've only met on the internet starts calling you beautiful over and over, claims to want to quit bad habits for you, starts talking about kids, etc.

your reaction should be...

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_mavtr0y2vj1rv0dn9.gif&hash=1d01dda0ef60d0c6313383260773eaef5bd3cbf1)

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on January 31, 2013, 09:56:01 AM
Like others said...

->-bleeped-<- or not, when a guy you've only met on the internet starts calling you beautiful over and over, claims to want to quit bad habits for you, starts talking about kids, etc.

your reaction should be...

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_mavtr0y2vj1rv0dn9.gif&hash=1d01dda0ef60d0c6313383260773eaef5bd3cbf1)

Yes it should!

Being a smoker i can say,this is a personal preference of yours and nothing to do with his fetish.With the fetish on the other hand,eagerness and being over bearing,can and is normally a bad sign and i would slow things down,by force if need be.Cut the texting down,cut the visits with him down to a certain limit and increase as you see fit.In my experience with this,being obsessed (as you put it) is NEVER about love but ownership.I have been obsessed over more times then i can count,i have been used for sex,i have sat on the line between and wondered to myself o_O wth..with my experience,a man who can say *ill stop smoking right now and ill wait as long as it takes* is in denial or a good liar,Almost like saying *i cant stop when i want,watch ill do it right now* These kind of people either 1) never mean what they say or 2) mean it but will always fall off again.Even with smoking,it comes to admitting you need help and that you do have an issue in order to find recovery.Addictions are NOT that simple and the only time i have seen someone do this and mean what they say,is being IN love and im affraid i dont get that from your post of things he has done.I could be wrong and its never bad to take a chance but i suggest being guarded over your self and heart during this time.Ill explain in detail what I have experienced with this (many times,which is sad >_<).

A fast increase in communication.and by any means,this includes finding it hard to escape their reach.at first this can be seen as flattering/cute.
fast acceptance/Agreeing to all and anything said or asked of them.words said,actions done to bring comfort and cause one to open up.
Attitude changes after the above.Increase in jealousy/rage toward everything else around you.aka compliments from others,anything they see as a threat to what is theirs.
After the above,they become more demanding on said person.Demanding certain things/people be ripped away,this normally leads to aggression when said person denies them.Causing them to *have the excuse to step in on their own and deal with it*.
If that is not dealt with asap then the personal *tho ill explain* blows begin.This is a type of love-hate relationship,they will do things to hurt you purposely,watch your reactions/how much you will take then try to *heal* the things you wont take but poke and prod the things you will.For example,lets say you wont take someone claiming *you use people* once they find this out,they will *regret ever saying it* and be *so sorry for it* but if you will take (and it does crush you) being seen as *worthless* then they will use this to keep you under toe.
The next vary's between the person being spoken of.some love to use your emotions to keep you under toe as well.After the above,IF you speak your opinion on how it makes you feel,then the guilt trips will begin.This is a way to push you back under the collar.Once this all continues,then the worst starts to take place.once they know your breaking points/limits/emotions then they have learned your entire being.
The next part is something i would encourage ANYONE to avoid and get out while you can.Depending on the type of person they are,this can start to lead into physical abuse,here also learning ones breaking points before hand.
In a nut shell,it ALWAYS starts with obsession and ends with brute force.A piece of property owned and ment to be controlled.So all i can tell you is,watch yourself.Im sorry if this post has discouraged anyone but i hope that it somehow helps with what to watch for.As i stated tho,this is what I have dealt with and seen in my life,everyone is different and why i said *depending* as it can adjust depending on the people involved.

Are you a chick with a d#ck?Or are you a woman who doesn't have a vagina?There's a really big difference between the two.Heaps of guys are into the first option,very few are even aware the second exists.How do you see yourself?More importantly how do want someone you're in a relationship with to see you?

Although there is nothing wrong with a guy who is attracted to Trans women, I spy a RED flag with the comments he made about "not being gay", "always curious about a dick", ect! Its always the guys who have a fantasy, and then get violent, when it doesn't feel "as sexy" after they finish. They tend to be the dudes who beat up the Trans girl cause they all of a sudden felt "tricked"!  ::)