Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Being Fearlessly Out And Trans Is A Revolutionary Act

http://transgriot.blogspot.com/2013/01/being-fearlessly-out-and-trans-is.html (http://transgriot.blogspot.com/2013/01/being-fearlessly-out-and-trans-is.html)
1/31/13
Monica Roberts

"We have to constantly battle as transpeople the unholy trinity of shame, guilt and fear.   One of the reasons we get so much violence aimed at us is not only because we are trans,  but the haters want to intimidate us into silence so they can go back to demonizing us with impunity and claiming we don't exist..

Umm no.  This is the second decade of the 21st century.   We are now 60 years beyond the February 13 day Christine Jorgensen returned from Denmark to popping media flashbulbs and overwhelming media attention.   

Trans people need to be out, proud and claiming their rightful place in the beautiful mosaic of human life. We  need to be and are demanding our human rights be respected and protected in the laws of the countries we reside in.  We are demanding respect for our humanity from friend, foe and frenemy."

I love her attitude!!! I think more of us should have that type of attitude. We should be proud of who we are instead of hiding away.  :eusa_clap:

I need to find friends like that so they can rub off on me.

I am by far quiet about being trans. I don't walk around screaming it on the street, but I will talk to anyone about it, and I don't deal well with people making comments. Luckily, I don't get many.

Quote from: Brooke777 on February 01, 2013, 01:38:29 PM
I am by far quiet about being trans. I don't walk around screaming it on the street, but I will talk to anyone about it, and I don't deal well with people making comments. Luckily, I don't get many.

Yeah you don't have to necessarily scream it on the street. But I think more of us should be out there in the public eye. And set a positive example for younger tran's. To show them there is a future that you can be who you are. You don't have to pretend to be something your not. I did not have that growing up.

Quote from: Heather on February 01, 2013, 01:46:26 PM
Yeah you don't have to necessarily scream it on the street. But I think more of us should be out there in the public eye. And set a positive example for younger tran's. To show them there is a future that you can be who you are. You don't have to pretend to be something your not. I did not have that growing up.

I think I'm setting a pretty good example. I have had a few people tell me that they normally don't like trans women. But, because of me they are changing their mind. I take this as a sign that I am going about this the right way.

Quote from: Brooke777 on February 01, 2013, 02:10:37 PM
I think I'm setting a pretty good example. I have had a few people tell me that they normally don't like trans women. But, because of me they are changing their mind. I take this as a sign that I am going about this the right way.

Every small step counts. If we are ever going to be treated as equals we have to be able stuff like this. To show people we are not freaks! And that we can live normal lives.

I'm currently writing a play and hope to find the actors needed to actually get it shown on a stage in the future. It's a play based on my life, because I want things to change for the better for trans people, and I choose to do this by utilising the resources I got, theater, one of my great passions in life.

That notion of a trinity of Shame Guilt and Fear rings so well.

Quote from: Sarah Blomsterhatt on February 01, 2013, 02:41:59 PM
I'm currently writing a play and hope to find the actors needed to actually get it shown on a stage in the future. It's a play based on my life, because I want things to change for the better for trans people, and I choose to do this by utilising the resources I got, theater, one of my great passions in life.

I'm glad you can use something your passionate about. I don't know how I can take my passion for running and exercise and do something good with it. :eusa_think:

Quote from: spacial on February 01, 2013, 02:58:40 PM
That notion of a trinity of Shame Guilt and Fear rings so well.

My life has been a whole lot better since letting go of the shame and the guilt still working on the fear.

I no longer feel any of the trinity. It's the bigots who will feel shame, guilt, and FEAR when they cross me.

Hope it's OK to stick with this point for now.

The one I know the most is guilt.

Guilt over lying about who I am. It's too easy for me to excuse myself, circumstances, fear and such. But if I were to ask myself, was my life any better for lying? The answer is no, it was probably worse, because I fooled no-one, least of all myself.

If I'm going to be honest, the fear of being attack wasn't too much of a barrier. I've been attacked. You get over it, it just an insult really. But the fear of how my own family would have behaved. Fear that they may have invited me somewhere on the pretence of accepting me, only to humiliate me.

I'm now at a stage where I couldn't go further, no matter how much I want to. It's part of life, I don't seek nor ask for any pity. But I feel so much guilt now. Guilt for failing. Not just myself, but everyone else. My failure to simply be more open will have made it so much worse for others.

But most of all, guilt for deciding now, literally a few months before things became impossible.

Quote from: spacial on February 01, 2013, 04:02:26 PM
If I'm going to be honest, the fear of being attack wasn't too much of a barrier. I've been attacked. You get over it, it just an insult really. But the fear of how my own family would have behaved. Fear that they may have invited me somewhere on the pretence of accepting me, only to humiliate me.

One thing I've come to realize is that the general public (at least in the states) is so afraid of offending someone, that most won't say a word. The only people that feel the need to make you feel shame in who you are, is your family. Sad but true. Unfortunately my family has over 100 members, so there's a lot of opportunities for that.

Quote from: Emily52736 on February 01, 2013, 04:36:33 PM
One thing I've come to realize is that the general public (at least in the states) is so afraid of offending someone, that most won't say a word.

This is quite true. I tend to loosen the general public up by making a few jokes about myself. Once people realize I'm not easily offended they start asking me questions.

Quote from: Emily52736 on February 01, 2013, 04:36:33 PM
One thing I've come to realize is that the general public (at least in the states) is so afraid of offending someone, that most won't say a word. The only people that feel the need to make you feel shame in who you are, is your family. Sad but true. Unfortunately my family has over 100 members, so there's a lot of opportunities for that.

That's true most people just stare I get laughed at some times. But I've never had anybody attack me. The fact that I'm 6'1 may also have something to do with that. This town has a large gay population so I might not standout as much as think I do.

Quote from: Brooke777 on February 01, 2013, 02:10:37 PM
I think I'm setting a pretty good example. I have had a few people tell me that they normally don't like trans women. But, because of me they are changing their mind. I take this as a sign that I am going about this the right way.

I'm a pretty plain, ordinary trans woman and I like to think that my plain, ordinary interactions with cis people on a daily basis help to make a little difference in the way we're perceived, but I also want to make sure to point out the phrase "the right way".  I know some very daring, intense trans people who fight on a grand scale for our rights and I am extremely proud of them, too.  We are all who we are and we all influence the world differently, but I don't think anyone's doing it "right" necessarily.

But yes, keep at it.  There might not be a right way to do things, but it sounds like you're doing great. :)

Quote from: Emily52736 on February 01, 2013, 04:36:33 PM
One thing I've come to realize is that the general public (at least in the states) is so afraid of offending someone, that most won't say a word. The only people that feel the need to make you feel shame in who you are, is your family. Sad but true. Unfortunately my family has over 100 members, so there's a lot of opportunities for that.

I think everyone needs to understand that the bonds, ties, loyalities, trust between family members is simply not guaranteed. When we don't measure up to what a few think are the appropriate standards, the best thing we can do is leave, walk away and not look back.

It's a funny thing but even now I think about what I want to say about them and what they did. But I still can't write it. Not because I can't face it, but because it was so stupid,  so on - off, so nasty and horrible.

When I try to write it down it reads like some Bronte novel. And written, sounds about as plausible.

Kia Ora,

It's all well and good being "Out & Proud" but, in doing/being so, the stealth door closes behind you and out you must stay...

http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/politics/6154368/Former-MP-Georgina-Beyer-unemployed (http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/politics/6154368/Former-MP-Georgina-Beyer-unemployed)

I haven't followed up on what's been happening in her life recently, but I do hope she finds what it is she's looking for...

I wear the "T" shirt when I feel the need to, however, for the most part I leave it in the closet where it belongs...

Metta Zenda :)

I can understand stealth and the good it may do a trans person but as a whole I feel it harms the trans community by hiding us from public eye. Our greatest enemy is our obscurity in peoples minds.

Its one of the many reasons I will not go stealth even though I know I could if I wanted.

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on February 02, 2013, 12:49:57 AM
I can understand stealth and the good it may do a trans person but as a whole I feel it harms the trans community by hiding us from public eye. Our greatest enemy is our obscurity in peoples minds.

Its one of the many reasons I will not go stealth even though I know I could if I wanted.

Me to I cannot see myself going stealth. But of coarse I would just settle for passing at this point. But hiding away is never going to get us anywhere. If we ever want to be accepted by society. We do have to get out there and show people we exist.

Kia Ora,

I'm not saying being 'out & proud' is a bad thing, in fact those who are,are for the most part, doing the trans-community a great service in promoting public awareness ...However for myself, I transitioned to feel and be treated 'normal' that is, a plain Jane-no frills run of the mill-female...I'll do my bit when it comes to the plight of trans-people, but I didn't sign up for a full time 'trans' job/position... Others are better qualified for this position than myself...

Metta Zenda :)

Quote from: Zenda on February 02, 2013, 01:20:06 AM
Kia Ora,

I'm not saying being 'out & proud' is a bad thing, in fact those who are,are for the most part, doing the trans-community a great service in promoting public awareness ...However for myself, I transitioned to feel and be treated 'normal' that is, a plain Jane-no frills run of the mill-female...I'll do my bit when it comes to the plight of trans-people, but I didn't sign up for a full time 'trans' job/position... Others are better qualified for this position than myself...

Metta Zenda :)

I understand your position. I just don't want to transition and pretend like it never happened. It took me years to get over being ashamed of being tran's. I don't want to go back being ashamed of myself. That would just leave me where I started off. I believe the part of finding happiness is not being ashamed of who you are. :)

Natasha you are wonderful.  You are so courageous.  I am coming out big time.  One reason is that I already did half of this by being out as Bi for many years.  I am not passable and yet being honest about who I am seems the best overall course.  I feel better than ever and when I share my truth with others they grace me with their truth as well.  I am a publicly elected college trustee and water commissioner.  Hiding was what was hurting me.  I am more free than ever.  Rock on proud people!

Hi,

Just caught up with this thread.

I made a very clear and definite decision that when I went full time I was going to stand and be noticed.

OK my standing in the public areas and in the staff and Admin areas of Susan's are generally well known. But I came out very publicly in a very high profile job.

I knew that there was no hiding. That was the thing that terrified me. When I went FT, I was fair game for the newspapers and everyone.

I thought how to tackle and deal with that from a personal point of view. And I hate to admit that the snivelling bit of maladjusted snot that was my male ego and consciousness wailed like a banshee. It kept me awake with terror, nightmares and feelings of doom. I upped my depression meds to cope.

My core personality, ego and belief system grew and became dominant. The depression meds went in the bin. 15 years after starting depression meds and needing them to survive, binned them.

I went FT, and yes the Earth shook, and yes there were announcements that I was not publicly privy too, but basically reminding people of the sex discrimination act that is law in South Australia and what the consequences would be if people could not cope with accepting me, then they should find another job.

So I decided to stand as me and be me and be proud of me (easy that one) and to make damn sure that everyone knew me, and if they had a problem to explain stuff.

To support and educate. To help.

It has worked.

No one messes with Cindy.

From a positive point, I have had people stop me in the corridor and introduce themselves. One young man did so very nervously and asked my advice. He was Gay and didn't know how to come out. Seemingly my stance had inspired him to seek a life. I will help him of course.


I'm very public. I now drive a sports car with CINDY custom number plates. No apologies. I'm in the publics face. I don't stand back.

I was stopped for a random breath test and the policeman made the mistake of saying evening sir please  blow into the device etc. When I didn't he looked at me and I just said. Oh do you mean I? There are no men in this car. I'm the only person and I'm a woman. He apologised.

For those of us that can do it, I think we have to have the commitment to being examples to people. Good examples.

That is NO REFLECTION AT ALL on those of us who cannot cope at this time with that pressure.

I can.

I'm Cindy James, I walk my own path.

Wow what a powerful declaration Cindy James!  Thank you for the depth of that conviction.   This is an indescribable feeling of connection as so many dear sweet and strong voices rise.
Good night

I was hiding in plain sight if that makes sense.I worked as a bus driver for 10 years dealing with the public they knew I was TS and most didn't care,I never made the papers and don't want too

Kia Ora Cindy,[and others]

That was a courageous move on your part and it would seem it paid off quite nicely for you...

I was never in such an high profile position, so I could and [for the most part] did just blend into the woodwork...And moving away from where I left the empty transition cocoon case, meant stealth was an option, however I chose to go semi-stealth, being open when need be,ie, attending Human Rights meetings plus there are other transgender support related projects I'm involved in, but when it comes to everyday living I'm stealth...

I don't hid my past, nor am I ashamed of it... To be ashamed of my past would be to deny I have children, and this I'll never do, I'll never stop being their 'father'... However as fate would have it, those who don't know of my past, think I'm the mother, I've never said I was-they just presume this...And those who do know, don't care, they just accept what is...

In all honesty I think that many trans-people would [if they were to find themselves in a more favourable position ] live some form of 'stealth' life...If you think about it, who in their right mind would intentionally put a target on their back, if they didn't have to....I don't mean this to be derogatory in any way...I'm just stating what I've witnessed over the years...

Metta Zenda :)

I can see myself veering between Zenda #20 I transitioned to feel and be treated 'normal' that is, a plain Jane-no frills run of the mill-female.. and Heather #21 I transitioned to feel and be treated 'normal' that is, a plain Jane-no frills run of the mill-female..

Quote from: Zenda on February 02, 2013, 03:44:05 AM
Kia Ora Cindy,[and others]

That was a courageous move on your part and it would seem it paid off quite nicely for you...

I was never in such an high profile position, so I could and [for the most part] did just blend into the woodwork...And moving away from where I left the empty transition cocoon case, meant stealth was an option, however I chose to go semi-stealth, being open when need be,ie, attending Human Rights meetings plus there are other transgender support related projects I'm involved in, but when it comes to everyday living I'm stealth...

I don't hid my past, nor am I ashamed of it... To be ashamed of my past would be to deny I have children, and this I'll never do, I'll never stop being their 'father'... However as fate would have it, those who don't know of my past, think I'm the mother, I've never said I was-they just presume this...And those who do know, don't care, they just accept was is...

In all honesty I think that many trans-people would [if they were to find themselves in a more favourable position ] live some form of 'stealth' life...If you think about it, who in their right mind would intentionally put a target on their back, if they didn't have to....I don't mean this to be derogatory in any way...I'm just stating what I've witnessed over the years...

Metta Zenda :)

I did not take anything you said earlier to be derogatory I understand your position. All I meant by what I said earlier living in stealth is a form of shame. It would be like me saying I don't like who I am! That I'm not good enough! But I don't even know if I'll ever have that option I'm still early in transition. But do know if I did have that option I would not take it! I have to be true to myself!  I know being out does have a price. But it's a price I'm willing to pay if it will make life for the rest of us better! :)

When I started transition, I fully intended to work towards being stealth and just melding into the fold. But, I have found that that is not who I am. I am to the point that I pass pretty well, and I could just blend in. But, as it turns out I have a tendency to stand up for trans people, no matter what route that takes.

When I was younger the ideal of living in stealth appealed to me. But it is also what held me back thinking I never could achieve that is what kept me from transitioning in my late teen's. :embarrassed:

I'm out and proud. Being stealth was not an option because there are too many folks who may be struggling with the issue. Perhaps by my being out, someone will be encouraged. Let's face it, there are those who want us to remain or go back in the closet, which I absolutely refuse to do.

You can't know how high many here hold you in regard gennee.

I've given this matter more thought. My perspective is governed by my preceived age in relation to the world. If I had managed this when younger, I would have far preferred steath. But the reality is, I probably would have gotten it.

Now, my options are limited, so I need to think in terms of them not being so. So now, I hope I could live up to those ideas as cited by gennee.

Kia Ora,

Some food for thought : :eusa_think:

For the most part, a person transitions to live as the 'gender identity' they have/had always felt they were meant to be, ie, male or female...For me 'transsexual' was just a condition I was born with, which just so happened to decorate my cocoon of denial, it was not my core identity, which BTW was female...

So when it comes to the 'condition', does to be 'out & proud' mean you still identify with/give priority to your 'condition' as oppose to your 'true' gender identity ?

And if this is the case, does this also mean for the rest of your life you want to be seen and known as the 'transsexual' woman/man-where your' condition' always takes the front seat ?

Being seen as a 'third' gender, is ok for some, in fact some may like the attention, however, sadly there are others who wish they didn't have to run the gender gauntlet on a daily bases but have no 'choice'...

I'm fortunate in that I do have a choice and have chosen to live a 'normal' quiet hassle-free life-where I get to choose my 'battles'...

But in saying this, there are and no doubt always will be those who choose the out & proud' option and those who don't have this luxury of choice, many develop coping skills they toughen up, accept what is, and make the most of it by taking advantage of the situation-becoming the victor and not the victim...They are I feel, the 'real' 'out & proud' battlers...

Metta Zenda :)

In the eyes of the world we will never be who we want to be. The problem I have with stealth is I feel like I've been doing it my whole life. I pretended to be male my whole life to the point I was really good at it. But as I got older the more miserable I became. I came out to end the lies and be myself. But It seems if I went stealth I'm just going to go right back into living a lie. Say if I'm seeing a guy and it gets serious what do I do there? Do I tell him? Stealth just brings with it more lies. And I can't take lying anymore I just want to be real.

I transitioned from 26 to 28. I'm post-op and legally female as far as the various authorities who govern such things are concerned. I have no children. I did not keep a partner through transition. I live in a different city than I used to and work a different job. And I have never been clocked as trans.

I think people who haven't experienced it, can't really know what it's like, why people would want it, or what the potential costs are to willfully giving it up. Being out because of appearance or employment or location or history or whatever... you just are not in the same situation. You never had the opportunity to make that choice. Don't assume you'd have been so morally righteous if you were in my shoes.

Honestly, I'm not even entirely sure how I would be out...? Like do I wear a nametag or something? Do I go talk to the papers? Make an announcement at work? March in a pride parade behind a trans banner (that wouldn't even work, they'd think I had a trans parent or something)? How do people like me even BE out? I'm not an extrovert, I'm a fairly private person. I don't crave that kind of attention. And it's not like it naturally comes up in conversation. My supervisor at work knows I'm gay. Because that is a thing that comes up when you take time off work to spend with your girlfriend. Hell, I've even talked about trans things at work, because wow are we popular in literature these days. But my personal medical history? It's just not a thing.

Quote from: Heather on February 02, 2013, 01:59:03 PMSay if I'm seeing a guy and it gets serious what do I do there? Do I tell him?

Um... ya? If you want. My SO knows I'm trans. Knew before we ever made out. I'm not adverse to close friends and family knowing. But that's very different from "out and proud."

I would never judge someone adversely for choosing to keep their gender history, or any other personal matter, a closed book. I recommend to any young pre-transition or transitioning friends to strongly consider it, especially if they want to live or work in a trans-hostile location or profession. I think everyone should have that right to privacy.

That said, I love being out, and I know I have made a difference in hundreds of peoples' lives and attitudes as a living, walking, smiling educational force. "Here is an example, folks, of a real life trans woman- we are normal, we are happy, we are just like you. And there is nothing to fear."

In any kind of social stigma situation, society changes as people (not ALL, just enough) people successfully choose to defy the stigma and educate and exemplify and cultivate allies. It has been that way forever, for all things that human societies vilify and misunderstand. It has worked for the disabled, for the mentally handicapped, for sufferers of depression, anxiety, erectile dysfunction, for gay, lesbian, and bisexual people, for people of color, for atheists, for people of religion, for recovered alcoholics and poly drug addiction, for the eating disordered, the list goes on and on. Every person has a right to their privacy, and an absolute right to not be mistreated, discriminated against, etc due to their medical condition, genetics, etc etc.
At the same time, those rights are won in practice by people who are out there, on behalf of the larger group who just want to live their lives like everybody else. And yes, chosing to be out when one has the option to not be, is a major decision and there is no right answer for everybody. Men and women of trans history are very good at making major, life changing decisions - we have to be - that are right for ourselves.

If someone choses to be an advocate or an activist, they probably have the burning desire to make a difference in that way. If one has the choice, it would be foolish to trade away the joys of just being one of the normal unstigmatized folks who can blend, for someone who sticks out for something that still carries a stigma, if your heart isn't in it and your personality is not compatible with that kind of highly public life.

One of the neat things I'm seeing more of, is people who have happily lived 'stealth' for many years, and achieved some level of prominence, making a conscious decision later in life to come out publicly about their history and experiences. People like that have made a giant difference in other areas where society stigmatized things that should not have been stigmatized, and I see it happening with transgender issues today and applaud it. They benefit the many others who are not public but whose lives are affected by it (stigma/prejudice/general cluelessness).

Quote from: Sarah7 on February 02, 2013, 02:07:58 PM
I transitioned from 26 to 28. I'm post-op and legally female as far as the various authorities who govern such things are concerned. I have no children. I did not keep a partner through transition. I live in a different city than I used to and work a different job. And I have never been clocked as trans.

I think people who haven't experienced it, can't really know what it's like, why people would want it, or what the potential costs are to willfully giving it up. Being out because of appearance or employment or location or history or whatever... you just are not in the same situation. You never had the opportunity to make that choice. Don't assume you'd have been so morally righteous if you were in my shoes.

Honestly, I'm not even entirely sure how I would be out...? Like do I wear a nametag or something? Do I go talk to the papers? Make an announcement at work? March in a pride parade behind a trans banner (that wouldn't even work, they'd think I had a trans parent or something)? How do people like me even BE out? I'm not an extrovert, I'm a fairly private person. I don't crave that kind of attention. And it's not like it naturally comes up in conversation. My supervisor at work knows I'm gay. Because that is a thing that comes up when you take time off work to spend with your girlfriend. Hell, I've even talked about trans things at work, because wow are we popular in literature these days. But my personal medical history? It's just not a thing.

Um... ya? If you want. My SO knows I'm trans. Knew before we ever made out. I'm not adverse to close friends and family knowing. But that's very different from "out and proud."

I don't see myself as morally righteous. I don't think  I'm better than you! But I can't see myself going trough all the trouble you went through. Just to transition move to a different city No way! I live in the south I was born here and I'm not going to run from here just cause I'm afraid of what a few bigots think of me. I'm not leaving my family and everything behind yeah I was born male I can't just throw that all way. Just cause I transition doesn't mean everything that happened before I transitioned didn't happen. It's what made me the woman I am today. And I'm not ashamed of that. I really don't mean to offend your way of life if it makes you happy fine. But I'm going to live my life the way I want regardless of what people think. Is it going to be easy no! But I've never had it easy.

Quote from: Heather on February 02, 2013, 02:41:01 PM
I don't see myself as morally righteous. I don't think  I'm better than you! But I can't see myself going trough all the trouble you went through. Just to transition move to a different city No way! I live in the south I was born here and I'm not going to run from here just cause I'm afraid of what a few bigots think of me. I'm not leaving my family and everything behind yeah I was born male I can't just throw that all way. Just cause I transition doesn't mean everything that happened before I transitioned didn't happen. It's what made me the woman I am today. And I'm not ashamed of that. I really don't mean to offend your way of life if it makes you happy fine. But I'm going to live my life the way I want regardless of what people think. Is it going to be easy no! But I've never had it easy.

See that's the thing. People making with the assumptions. I didn't go to any particular trouble, I didn't make any sacrifices, I didn't severe any ties. I used to live in Vancouver, but I was done uni, I'd broken with my then-gf, and I wanted to move to the epicenter of the Canadian publishing industry. It had nothing to do with my trans-y-ness, it was accidental. I didn't leave my family behind. Actually, I moved to the city my sister and my aunt live in, from a city where I had no family. I'm going out to dinner in a couple hours with my dad and his partner because they are here visiting. They only live 5 hours away by car. A far cry from the 5 hours by plane that it was before I moved.

It's funny how people think I put all this effort into hiding my past. What am I hiding? What do you imagine that I lie about? I also have a history of suicide attempts that I don't casually share with acquaintances either. *Shrug* It would take way more effort for me to be out than to just... do the nothing that it takes to be stealth.

Honestly, the only times I feel weird about it is when I see other trans folks in the queer community here. Then I'm like... ->-bleeped-<-, should I say something? But I dunno. I think, for me, the only way I could be out would be if I was a true hardcore activist. If I made being out MEAN something. And, well, that's a choice I wouldn't make lightly. Especially not when I've been transitioned for such a short time.

Kia Ora Heather,

I understand where you're coming from ...You feel to be stealth is just a form of 'closet hopping', out of one and 'straight' into another, which in the case of 'deep' stealth could be just that...It's much harder to remain deep stealth, than semi-stealth or being 'out & proud'...

However for some deep stealthier there're good reasons for them to live this way, ie, fear for their life, fear of rejection by employer, friends, church congregation etc...

There seems to be a euphoric breath of fresh air that comes when we finally build up the courage to step out of the stuffy, claustrophobic, closet space, we once called home...This feeling of euphoria can last quite some time, "I'm 'out and I'm proud !", but sadly it can also be cut short by the pollution of discrimination, rejection, hostility, violence [both physical & verbal], ie having to run the gender gauntlet...

However, one of the big pluses for those out & prouders, is no matter what kind of relationships they make, the people who accept them, accept them 'whole'= past and present and into the future...In situations such as this the out & proud trans-person, knows exactly where they stand within a relationship...

Metta Zenda :)   

Quote from: Sarah7 on February 02, 2013, 03:47:47 PM
See that's the thing. People making with the assumptions. I didn't go to any particular trouble, I didn't make any sacrifices, I didn't severe any ties. I used to live in Vancouver, but I was done uni, I'd broken with my then-gf, and I wanted to move to the epicenter of the Canadian publishing industry. It had nothing to do with my trans-y-ness, it was accidental. I didn't leave my family behind. Actually, I moved to the city my sister and my aunt live in, from a city where I had no family. I'm going out to dinner in a couple hours with my dad and his partner because they are here visiting. They only live 5 hours away by car. A far cry from the 5 hours by plane that it was before I moved.

It's funny how people think I put all this effort into hiding my past. What am I hiding? What do you imagine that I lie about? I also have a history of suicide attempts that I don't casually share with acquaintances either. *Shrug* It would take way more effort for me to be out than to just... do the nothing that it takes to be stealth.

Honestly, the only times I feel weird about it is when I see other trans folks in the queer community here. Then I'm like... ->-bleeped-<-, should I say something? But I dunno. I think, for me, the only way I could be out would be if I was a true hardcore activist. If I made being out MEAN something. And, well, that's a choice I wouldn't make lightly. Especially not when I've been transitioned for such a short time.

Your right I shouldn't make assumptions I'm sorry about that.I'm not trying to argue here. Like I said I don't think I'm better than you. It's your life you chose how to live it. I do understand why you would want to live in stealth. :embarrassed:

I recently met this really great woman through mutual friends. She is married to a wonderful man, and is a model. Turns out, she is trans. She is just stealth. Only those close to her know, and it is because she has told them. She told me because she thinks it's great how out and proud I am. But, it is just not the life for her. Not out of fear, or anything like that. She doesn't purposely hide it, she is just living her life as her. Her husband knows, and doesn't care.

I think that as long as you take the path that is right for you (weather it be stealth or not) then you are doing the right thing. There is no one better way to live your life. Just be who you are and enjoy.

Quote from: Heather on February 02, 2013, 04:26:27 PM
Your right I shouldn't make assumptions I'm sorry about that.I'm not trying to argue here. Like I said I don't think I'm better than you. It's your life you chose how to live it. I do understand why you would want to live in stealth. :embarrassed:

Oh hun, that's not what I meant. I'm sorry, I didn't intend to make you feel bad. I was just referring back to the fact that because you haven't experienced it, you are going to come to it with assumptions about what being stealth is like. About what it feels like, and what it entails.

I guess I just feel like... if you can do it, if you have the option... think about it. I never thought I'd be stealth. I almost fell into it by accident. Or possibly was pushed by my sis. But I think it's been good for me. To be able to just live my life quietly and heal a bit. Figure out how to make things be okay in my head, without having to face the trans thing every single day.

Maybe I'll do things differently in a few years. Make a different choice.

Quote from: Sarah7 on February 02, 2013, 05:06:04 PM
Oh hun, that's not what I meant. I'm sorry, I didn't intend to make you feel bad. I was just referring back to the fact that because you haven't experienced it, you are going to come to it with assumptions about what being stealth is like. About what it feels like, and what it entails.

I guess I just feel like... if you can do it, if you have the option... think about it. I never thought I'd be stealth. I almost fell into it by accident. Or possibly was pushed by my sis. But I think it's been good for me. To be able to just live my life quietly and heal a bit. Figure out how to make things be okay in my head, without having to face the trans thing every single day.

Maybe I'll do things differently in a few years. Make a different choice.

You didn't make me feel bad. After I wrote the first post I started thinking about it and didn't like the tone of it. I'm not trying to judge anybody on how they live their lives. That why I owed you an apology

I live in a small town, rural area, so EVERYBODY knows me. I'm also a musician, and have a lot of recorded work under my previous name. So I'm basically living my life in a glass house, not stealth at all, and that's OK with me. People in my extended communities are getting to know a real trans person, many of whom didn't know one before (or at least know that they knew one). However, each person does what's right for them and their situation.

Zythrya

I grew up with fear...and along the way I learn to use fear to propel the 'fire in my belly"...fear is good..it keeps you on your toes...it makes feel and appreciate every breath you take and every morsel you gobble even more...

I am at the core: a creature of G-d, a human, a female, a parent, an American citizen, a Jew, and a scholar and scientists...

My biological mishaps...dyslexia, astigmatism. GID, low blood pressure, etc..are but incidental peripheral and nonessential parts of me....They are never hidden nor publicized...

Personally, I do not give a rat ass who clocks me or not, or whether I pass or not...

and no I do not claim to be fearless or revolutionary...just myself....Pesky Peky

Quote from: peky on February 02, 2013, 08:08:07 PM


Personally, I do not give a rat ass who clocks me or not, or whether I pass or not...

I feel like that sometimes then there is other times I don't.

I am out and proud. I don't exactly have a choice. People at work know I'm trans and they tell the new hires who go on and tell the new, new hires... it never seems to end. So if that's being an activist then so be it. I may not like being trans, it is still the biggest headache in my life, but since it is something I was born with I should not have to feel ashamed for a birth defect. It just means that I am a woman who has missed out on some experiences and got to experience other things they won't.

A lot of people know I'm trans and a lot don't, so I've seen the difference in how people relate to me based on what they know of my history. I'd rather not be out and proud as many treat me very differently than they would if I were just another female in their minds. I also don't like to talk about it with those that do know, I don't even really discuss it much with the only other trans woman that lives in town now. I don't feel a need to be an example of anything, just a need to be myself without being judged negatively for it.

Quote from: Brooke777 on February 02, 2013, 04:41:32 PM
I recently met this really great woman through mutual friends. She is married to a wonderful man, and is a model. Turns out, she is trans. She is just stealth. Only those close to her know, and it is because she has told them. She told me because she thinks it's great how out and proud I am. But, it is just not the life for her. Not out of fear, or anything like that. She doesn't purposely hide it, she is just living her life as her. Her husband knows, and doesn't care.

I think that as long as you take the path that is right for you (weather it be stealth or not) then you are doing the right thing. There is no one better way to live your life. Just be who you are and enjoy.

I disappeared into the woodwork because it was the best thing for me. I just wanted to live a more ordinary life, if that makes any sense. At the same time though, even as recently as when I transitioned in 2001 it was still better to go stealth and disppear into the landscape. There was no protections, no nothing. Of course while I am off living my "life more ordinary" there were othere fighting for workplace protections and equality. I myself am a direct victim of job discrimination due to being trans and where was I in the fight? Silent and no where to be seen. I could have taken that moment to fight for my rights but I didn't. I sort of regret not having done anything but the fear of being outed was real to me. Back then newspaper stories made a big deal out of embellishing articles by including peoples old names and using "he" and things like that. I just didn't want to take that kind of chance and ruin my life which was starting to bloom and grow from the whole gender transition ordeal.

As tempting as it would be to step out of my shadowy existance, I actually like it. I still have a little lifeline to the community here. Maybe someday I will march for equality. I did give it an effort I will say. I did go to a transgender day of remembrance march in 2002 I think, the year Gwen Arujo was murdered. I even went to a pride parade. I walked around and said hi to people, stopped by a transgender support group booth and said hi, and that was probably the last time anyone from that group ever saw me.

We do have a lot of overlapping interests with the GLB people, but from what I can see, the GLB's are also busy living lives of their own and one probably couldn't get 10 people in a room to agree on much. I try to see where I fit in to that world and I just don't see it. I couldn't be an activist no matter how hard I wanted to will myself to be one. So here I am :)

Quote from: Zumbagirl on February 03, 2013, 07:12:34 AM
I disappeared into the woodwork because it was the best thing for me. I just wanted to live a more ordinary life, if that makes any sense. At the same time though, even as recently as when I transitioned in 2001 it was still better to go stealth and disppear into the landscape. There was no protections, no nothing. Of course while I am off living my "life more ordinary" there were othere fighting for workplace protections and equality. I myself am a direct victim of job discrimination due to being trans and where was I in the fight? Silent and no where to be seen. I could have taken that moment to fight for my rights but I didn't. I sort of regret not having done anything but the fear of being outed was real to me. Back then newspaper stories made a big deal out of embellishing articles by including peoples old names and using "he" and things like that. I just didn't want to take that kind of chance and ruin my life which was starting to bloom and grow from the whole gender transition ordeal.

As tempting as it would be to step out of my shadowy existance, I actually like it. I still have a little lifeline to the community here. Maybe someday I will march for equality. I did give it an effort I will say. I did go to a transgender day of remembrance march in 2002 I think, the year Gwen Arujo was murdered. I even went to a pride parade. I walked around and said hi to people, stopped by a transgender support group booth and said hi, and that was probably the last time anyone from that group ever saw me.

We do have a lot of overlapping interests with the GLB people, but from what I can see, the GLB's are also busy living lives of their own and one probably couldn't get 10 people in a room to agree on much. I try to see where I fit in to that world and I just don't see it. I couldn't be an activist no matter how hard I wanted to will myself to be one. So here I am :)

I do think there is a huge difference for those of us who transition now than those, like yourself, who transitioned years ago. The world is a very different place, and being out and proud when you transitioned was not a safe thing to be. I think, just by being you and being stealth, you do do quite a bit for the trans community. You show that trans people are just normal people who can blend into society in a way where no one even knows they are trans. That, to me, is very helpful. If all trans people were activist society as a whole would think that all trans people are out to cause social turmoil. We all have a role in this, and yours is quite important IMHO.