Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I just want to start with saying I really love my SO and would never want him to change who he is, or hold him back from becoming the person he truly feels like he is on the inside. But lately I find myself really missing the way things used to be. I love him so much and would never leave his side for anything in the world, but my needs matter to right? I just don't want to hold him back from all the wonderful changes he has been making. I guess I just wanted to ask is missing the way things used to be normally and does it pass. I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable but I really feel like something's are so different now, and I want the old ways back. Is that selfish of me? 

Absolutely normal, typical, and maybe even as far as expected. :)  It's not rational, but feelings often aren't.  And in some ways it follows the same pattern as grieving - how long differs from person to person and also varies by the intensity of the particular "loss" (as in, it sometimes took me hours or days, sometimes months, depending on how hard a specific change hit me), and while it does fade, it may  never go away completely. But reduced to 1% of passing nostalgia is close enough, right?

Personally, I'd say *don't* fight it. Don't necessarily track him down and make him cope with your feelings if - and ONLY if - you think it's something where you don't want him to change anything about how he's handling things and you just need to adapt, but feel free to vent to friends (or here) and/or to let yourself sit alone and feel and mourn. Your feelings *do* matter, you are entitled to them, and you shouldn't try to suppress everything for his sake.

My wife transitioned three years ago. I still have occasional moments where I miss lying on a flat chest, or how she used to smell, or how gorgeously her voice rumbled. I don't *say* so, because there's no reason to be hurtful at this late date, but I don't feel guilty for feeling it. (And back when she was "in process," I did occasionally say either "look, I'll get used to it, but I'm gonna be sad for a while" or "could you hold off on changing anything else for just a few days so I can breathe?")

Hi Lightning, seriously these feelings that you are having are normal, for mine I always knew I was bi so that was a positive thing for mine and Andis relationship.

My physiologist says that it is normal to want what we want and it's OK to have those desires and feelings, she likens it to when you spot someone attractive and your body goes ohh that's nice but your in a relationship so it ends up just being a moment and not a cheating offence.

I don't know but that just made sense to me, I think the best thing I ever did was find a non interested outside party to talk about all aspects of my life and Andi has someone to talk to too, so it gives us both a good sounding board.

Any who best to you both and just do what makes you happy.

Button.

Thanks I sometimes feel very alone. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this that also underdtands what I'm going through.

Lightning, Absolutely normal hun, and please don't ever think you are selfish for that. It is a big change.  Your world and what you thought your life was has been turned upside down.  Have you been to counseling or therapy at all? I know that it has been a huge help to me to just have someone like that to be able to talk to.  Maybe try and find a LGBT friendly one near you... or if you ever just want to talk, feel free to PM me or send me an email!

Yellowsub, thanks so much. I have gone to councling before but I don't really have the money right now. But talking to people here has really helped me a lot.

I know you are seeing the common thread from the posts here.  You are a normal thinking/feeling person.  You have a right to have and own your feelings.  Never be afraid of using this forum to get someone to talk to.  PMs are a perfect way to get a private chat going if something particularly gets to you.  Please don't be afraid to talk to her.  She is also aware that things she is doing can have an impact on you, and would appreciate knowing what you are thinking.  Yes, you don't want to interfere or slow her process, but at times you both need to stand in place so you are both breathing together.

Barbara

Thank you again for kind words, and talking on here really helps me a lot thanks again to all of you. Me and Wesley are very happy together and I couldn't imagine life without him.

 :icon_hug: Then you just come back and chat anytime hun!   We all know what it's like. We all have a different journey but.. we are here cause we share a common theme too ya know?

Lightning, I relate very strongly to your post. No, I don't think you're at all selfish, just honest. My long-time lesbian partner recently came out as FTM and is now in the early planning stages of transition. Like you, I totally love him and would never leave him, and want him to be fundamentally happy and comfortable, and would never discourage his transition. His current (female) body is perfect to me and exactly what I want. It's still here for the time being, and I feel like I'm looking at a ghost. There's nothing about a male body that makes me feel anything. So I stuff my feelings of loss in order to be supportive. It is like a death and I am grieving. I feel like the best time of my life was encapsulated into the few years when my lover was female. It was effortless and natural and deeply satisfying--for me, but not entirely for him. There's really nothing else to do but to get used the new reality and try to find ways to feel attracted. I imagine that it will take mental work, reminding myself that inside that body is still the person who has been the love of my life. I'm hopeful that his happiness and sense of completeness will be enough to keep me feeling physically connected. My partner and I both understand that ultimately we may no longer be a sexual couple. I hope that SO's keep replying to this topic because I too would like to know if/when/how the feeling of loss and missing the old body can change.

Welcome to Susan's, Clandestinique.  I appreciate your thoughtful comment.

In one sense, the partners of transitioners need time to grieve.  It is a very real loss on several levels.

At the same time, the transitioner will say, only my body is changing, I am still the same person inside.

It is not an easy issue to deal with.

Thanks Jamie.

I just don't want to hold him back from all the wonderful changes he has been making. I guess I just wanted to ask is missing the way things used to be normally and does it pass. I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable but I really feel like something's are so different now, and I want the old ways back. Is that selfish of me?
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What you are feeling is mourning.  Every day the masculine SO you fell in love with is dying...and a new feminine person is getting stronger.  It may reach a plateau where his/her bodies and identities stabilize, or she may continue towards fully becoming a woman.

But you're missing and mourning the masculine SO and the relationship you had with him.

Perhaps thinking of it that way will help with grasping understanding.

Be patient and try to learn about and understand the new person she is becoming and perhaps you'll fall in love all over again.