Susan's Place Transgender Resources

The one thing that seems to get to me down more than anything else is when, in a shop, or a restaurant, or somewhere like that, the assistant keeps repeating sir after nearly every sentence. I don't mind it being uttered once or twice, but after every sentence? Sometimes he or she might have said 15 or 20 sirs for one transaction. I feel like saying to them, 'stop saying sir, I'm not the prime minister' and 'I hate being a man'. Would I be laughed at, probably not, but it wouldn't solve the problem because it would happen elsewhere again, so what's the point!? It would upset me even more if I retaliated. I hope that others can relate to what I'm saying.  >:(

If I could I would gladly switch with you. I get ma'amed or lumped in with "ladies" when going anywhere with a female friend the same way/frequency. I mostly hate that society is so fixated on sex, gender roles, and so obsessed with knowing what gender or sex someone is.

OMG! The same things happened all the time but I not going out presenting as female mod.  Just find it annoying to deal with it!

Yes FTM, if only we could swap genders  :-\ One thing I know is this belief is not going to go away, after having it strongly for 7 years now. Sometimes it's very hard to deal with. I think the option of going further to change myself into the sex I'm should have been will become stronger in time, perhaps I'll even do it, but at the moment I'm going to have to put up with the word sir. I don't look the most masculine man the world has ever known, so it might be easier for me to pull off than some. All I know is that I don't fit into the role that men are suppose to fit into, and although I prefer women to men sexually, I can't take on the mans role to ask them out, it just doesn't work for me, so I don't bother. It just feels completely wrong  :embarrassed:
It's so hard to talk about these things with people because I don't want to offend or to cause further problems for myself. It's good to be able to share some of my thoughts on this forum.

I know exactly how you feel, huny, I hate that word! It always makes me feel bad, and like you, I'm tempted to ask them to not call me that. Another one I don't like is "mister"

I honestly think some people do it to be dicks.  Esp if you are wearing makeup, have highly visible boobs(real or not).   I really don't think I was called sir too often pre-transition now I get it all the time.

Ι feel exactly like that...
It would always hurt me but now everytime I hear it I want to cry , I save the tears till I get home...

I cant really explain it, I wonder why does it hurt so much...
And when the opposite happens I get so happy...
I wonder why...

I have no serious problem being sir'd, because on the side of other people, it is all about perception. If you are an MtF trans, it is all about history and progress. However, it can hurt to be sir'd if you expect your transition to have a positive effect to the point you think you should pass everytime.
It is all about perception. Remember that the shop assistant os bound to what he/she sees. You are more than that, not just a man, not just a woman. You can work on it, work on your appearance, work on your body, work on everything you want, to have better osmosis with yourself.

I get the same, just the other way round. I wish I got called sir. I hope you get better luck and be seen as a Ms. Eventually people will be nice and see you for the women you are.

Quote from: switchy on March 22, 2014, 06:44:33 PM
I have no serious problem being sir'd, because on the side of other people, it is all about perception. If you are an MtF trans, it is all about history and progress. However, it can hurt to be sir'd if you expect your transition to have a positive effect to the point you think you should pass everytime.
It is all about perception. Remember that the shop assistant os bound to what he/she sees. You are more than that, not just a man, not just a woman. You can work on it, work on your appearance, work on your body, work on everything you want, to have better osmosis with yourself.

Nah, if you are obv a trans women, wearing makeup etc,  its just rude to sir you.  At the very least use your name or a gender neutral pronoun.

Well, over a year on and I still hate being called 'Sir' but I think I've learnt to live with it more. I know I can just shrug it off 5 to 10 minutes later, so even if it jars in my mind I just think of that, keep myself calm and carry on. I haven't decided to try a full sex change yet but I feel I am on the way. Its a difficult thing to deal with, I hate the stereotypical roles that men are suppose to have, I know within myself that I'm really a woman deep down, and I'm not letting go of that fact.  ^-^

I've had times when I have to remind myself that the person saying 'sir' referring to me; do you have this sometimes? I either don't notice them, or start looking around for the man they are talking to. Do you ever do this?

Before I transitioned some guy referred to me as a gentleman, I replied with "oh, I'm no gentleman I can assure you!" :laugh:

But yes, I hated being sirred too. In Australia "mate" amongst men is common. I hated that with a passion!!

I hated it too. Never liked it even before I figured everything out. I am not knighted, stop calling me that! The people at my local Subway Sandwiches were the worst. You could walk away from there with a beating of 30 "sir"s in the 10 minutes to get your sandwich. It took them 2-3 months of me presenting full time to figure it out too. Now they treat me like I'm their best friend.  :-\

Quote from: Ms Grace on April 30, 2014, 06:28:27 PM
Before I transitioned some guy referred to me as a gentleman, I replied with "oh, I'm no gentleman I can assure you!" :laugh:

But yes, I hated being sirred too. In Australia "mate" amongst men is common. I hated that with a passion!!

On the flip side, I ain't no lady either..

I got the 'mate' thing on a phone call this morning.. I didn't pull him up on it.. I'll keep that for when I see him next. I think, 'I'm not your friend, so I'm not your mate. And even if I was your friend, I still wouldn't be your mate.' will do as an opener..

I feel you so much :( I don't get it as much anymore, but I used to get called ma'am so much that I hated leaving the house- one of the worst experiences for me was when I was going to get new glasses mid-transition but pre-t. The woman who was testing my eyes for the first part of it kept saying things like "oh, you go girl!" and "yes ma'am!" and when my mom (she's actually a trans woman, and so she feels my pain a lot on this kinda thing) intervened and tried to helpfully say "Oh, the preferred name is 'Alex'..." hoping she would get the memo but instead she goes "aw yeah, she's a big girl, she could've told me that!" and it was just freaking awful. I think she thought I was a lot younger than I actually am, too, because I was 17 at the time but she kept talking to/about me like I was 12 or something. But yeah, I still get paranoid every time I get called "man" since it sounds so close to "ma'am"...

I have been both sir'd and ma'am'd and I don't try to present as either! I was confused by the former and laughed at the latter (privately, not in their face). If I were to walk out today, purposely dressing to present as male, I would be aghast to be ma'am'd and vice versa. So I hear ya, frustrating! (I can relate to your multiples in 10 minuted through a slightly different avenue, which makes it clear to me how absolutely nerve-jangling it must be for you to get mis-gendered!)

I totally understand when they call me sir I feel like turning ghetto and saying "Bitch I'm a princess"

Use the anger and hatred you feel when that happens to push yourself forward... constantly... for doing more and more steps which will help you for successful transition.

Ugh.   I went out presenting as female, and actually interacted with people for the first time the other day, and had to cross a border to get home.  I've never been called sir so many times in a single interaction!  It was incredible! When she asked me what I was bringing across the border, and I started telling her about the clothes that I bought, she quickly informed me that she only wanted do know if I had fresh produce, drugs, firearms. Sir.  It felt like she was trying to convince me, or herself, of something.

I've always hated the word ma'am.
Not because of its female roots but because in comparison to sir it just seems so flimsy and unsubstantial. Sir is really snappy and fast and ma'am just seems so sloooow and heavy.

Sir is overused but its because most of these people's jobs they HAVE to portray formality and submissiveness to get paid (and get tips). It may hurt but in their eyes they are trying to treat you with the utmost respect, they just dont know the pain its causing. I'd be more sceptical of those not using Sir/Maam!

Gentleboy

I get what you mean; I do not like the word Madame. I am FTM.
Yes, it's tiresome for me as well but I do not tell them to stop. They might think I'm weirder than I already am and laugh at me.
I don't hold it against anyone though, they were just trying being nice and civil. It would be perfect if we were born in the right body.
Stay strong, miss.

I hate:
Sir
Buddy
Man

I am none of the above.

Why can't they just leave it off!? "Thank you" is still a perfectly complete message. "Is there anything else I can get you?", "need any help?"- those don't seem like they're missing anything! ......It's starting to bug me too I guess!  I can only imagine if it continues when I start presenting as female in public... I'd be :(((

Quote from: femmebutt on April 22, 2015, 03:25:36 PM
Why can't they just leave it off!? "Thank you" is still a perfectly complete message. "Is there anything else I can get you?", "need any help?"- those don't seem like they're missing anything! ......It's starting to bug me too I guess!  I can only imagine if it continues when I start presenting as female in public... I'd be :(((

I agree.

Yesterday I had a bizarre moment.

I was presenting male, I was working that day.

I went to get some breakfast. I have never been there before. One of the cooks points to me with his chin, "can I help you buddy?" I immediately gave him the "WTF?" look.

Then the girl working next to him motioned him to go back to what he was doing (frying eggs)  She said, "can I help you sweetie?"

That gave me flashbacks of Obama being accused of sexism when referring to a female reported as "sweetie." But hey ok, I am confused though, did she call me by a male or female greeting?

Then I ordered my stuff. The next person came up, a woman. Greeted with the same thing. Okay then.

But I did not notice how she greeted men.

I kind of really didn't mind, because I don't like "sir" at all. At the same time it was weird and gender ambiguous. Then again I wasn't presenting female so why should I expect a female greeting anyway.

Sir, my legal name, really all male pronouns bother me. I described it to my therapist as being like getting poked, one or twice is annoying but not too bad but, I work a service job and get sir ed about 100 times a shift by the end of that I am a wreck

--Serena

I visited a good friend of mine.  I found it weirdly abrasive that she spent the whole time calling me "dude" and "man" and "bro".  She's a hippie.  She uses fratspeak ironically.  She calls everybody, male of female, those things.  Bah.  Sometimes, just gotta let it go.

I still get "sired" at times and I have been living full time as a woman for over 8 years or so.  Lately it has been occurring more often, it could be because I had to go off HRT for 4 months to undergo chemotherapy, do not know really.  I am back on HRT though.  When people do sir me too much I end up telling them that I am not a man.  They are silent after that.

Angelgrl

Quote from: Sophia Hawke on March 22, 2014, 09:37:22 AM
I honestly think some people do it to be dicks.  Esp if you are wearing makeup, have highly visible boobs(real or not).   I really don't think I was called sir too often pre-transition now I get it all the time.

I agree. I am still presenting as male and I dont get called sir very often. They do it to put you down and embarrass you. They want to let you know that they will ALWAYS consider you to be male no matter what you do.

Yeah  it grates on the nerves. I dress female but am pre-HRT so it is obvious I am am still  sadly physically male. Still, I have been out with girl friends who use the proper name and pronouns, and have encountered people who seem to go out of their way to 'sir' me, even while I have two skirts in my hand at the store.

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I still get sirs about 20% of the time. I don't like the term but i try not to be offended. Sometimes i correct, sometimes i don't depending on the tone i perceive.

Similar to Kate i had an interaction the other day where the guy server called me sir, and the woman corrected him, took over the transaction and said "what can i get you hon". That was really good of her. That is probably more common in the south and rural areas than here but you do get hon once in a while.

To be fair services employees need to address people to keep them moving in the system, and there is not a really widely used term for addressing some in a neutral way. (although hon is ok i guess, and a woman TSA agent called me sweetie ) Sometimes they act quickly on whatever visual clues they perceive and there you go. The ones's that do it to be unkind though, yeah not a lot of empathy for them.

My wife and I enjoy going to the mall and seeing how many times we get referee to as ma'am or ladies. It happens a surprising amount of the time even when I am dressed in complete boy mode.

Recently while picking up lunch, the server ma'amed me while the cashier sirred me while they were standing next to each other.

I like being called Sir.

The ma'am, madam, miss, lady .etc is getting rarer and rarer. I appreciated that people would bother to say something polite when they said it, or that they were trying to be polite and all but it just reminds you instantaneously of your wrongful place in the world.

I appreciate just about everyone I know now has started calling me man, dude, bro or whatever without me ever even asking them to. But the ones that mean the most are things like brother and son from family members.

I was prepared to never hear anyone say anything like it and for them to deny my existence or the difference entirely. I guess I'm lucky.

Yesterday, I was on the phone with my bank customer service agent. I still have my old name on the account.  So naturally he started sirring me like crazy. Thought I'd have some fun with it so I went into hyper-femme voice.  I could tell he was a little unnerved. But I really couldn't help myself.  It was like a defensive reaction.  I'm so wicked.

I'm not "full time" so I don't really have the right to be salty if I'm sirred, but it does make me feel old!!

Quote from: DoctorInternet333 on February 12, 2013, 04:51:36 AM
The one thing that seems to get to me down more than anything else is when, in a shop, or a restaurant, or somewhere like that, the assistant keeps repeating sir after nearly every sentence. I don't mind it being uttered once or twice, but after every sentence? Sometimes he or she might have said 15 or 20 sirs for one transaction. I feel like saying to them, 'stop saying sir, I'm not the prime minister' and 'I hate being a man'. Would I be laughed at, probably not, but it wouldn't solve the problem because it would happen elsewhere again, so what's the point!? It would upset me even more if I retaliated. I hope that others can relate to what I'm saying.  >:(

That seems to be overkill to me and no longer being polite anymore. They just really want to call you sir, perhaps making a point? Perhaps a nervous tick? (along the lines of 'like' or 'um'?)

I never liked being called 'sir.' I'm not a knight, I hold no position or rank of honors. I used to respond in a fairly hostile manner with 'Sir was my father, not me.' Now I just give the 'you (expletive) kidding me?' face and afterwards they just kinda refrain from saying sir or anything definitive at all, or rebound to 'miss' on their own.

The phone gets frustrating at times, when the bank refuses to tell me what they're calling about without going through a mile long questionaire. 'This message is for (deadname) can you make sure they call us back at their earliest convenience?' 'Uhm...speaking?' 'This message is for the primary account holder, and we can't inform you of the nature of the call, can you have them call us back at their earliest convenience?' After this back and forth and I confirm my birthdate and whatever, it goes back to normal. Come to think of it, the pharmacy did the same thing last week, and upon hanging up still wasn't convinced I was who they were supposed to be talking to, and left with 'Their prescription will be ready for pickup this afternoon, so if you can relay the message that will be great.'

For the most part people don't call me anything though, which to me is better than the wrong thing.

Quote from: Angela Drakken on February 27, 2017, 09:22:54 AM
That seems to be overkill to me and no longer being polite anymore. They just really want to call you sir, perhaps making a point? Perhaps a nervous tick? (along the lines of 'like' or 'um'?)

To be fair I did a similar thing (nervous tick) while working in a shop. I didn't know if someone I was serving was trans, or an overly OTT gay guy. I had to ask a question on the customer's behalf to a manager while they were in earshot, so I was using ungendered terms so as not to offend in case I was wrong, and it just came out really awkward, like I was someone from Tumblr who believes in "nonbinary" haha.

But yeah, I agree it does sound like overkill,,,

I don't care too much. But that's because I'm not really presenting as female yet. I will occasionally get called "miss" which I love! But then they realize and apologize. Lol.
I'm honest with myself about the way I look. I'm not yet passible so I don't even try.

But oddly enough when I think I totally look like a guy, I'll have someone like my landlord call and asked who was the lady going in my place with my son (he's 25, and 5'11", and she's seen him before.. she has web cams and lives in another state). I laughed and said that was me. She seemed confused and said "no, it was a woman." I just said "that was me. I have long hair." Lol

So maybe I look better than I think I do.  But it's all about visual cues. After I have my facial hair removed and get some FFS then I'll be ready!

Funny story... I was in a super market once, in the self check out. I looked like I normally do with my nails painted and had on very tight skinny jeans.

A young guy said "excuse me miss" and I looked at him and said "do I look like a lady to you?!?" He turned red. I must have been in a cranky mood and wanted to mess with him. Lol. In the end I'm just me.


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Ohhhh I know I have more of a male appearance,  and because my job is a cook.  I really hate it when people tell me oh Kevs you are a male you are strong lift/carry this for me please.  First off I am not really that strong,  second I hate it when just because I am "male" you automatically assume I am strong.  I can "help" you but why am I doing your job too.  I hated it when people say oh you are a guy lift this for me.

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I hate it too, though I used to work in customer service, and actually got in trouble if the manager heard me not calling customers Sir/Ma'am...I'm sure other people are trained like this as well...

Gendering in english always felt redundant to me. You need to say "How may I help you" but is the gendering really needed on the end? I don't think so and as the result I almost never use it.