Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: Tessa James on February 17, 2013, 05:33:48 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Staying together with your significant other through transition
Post by: Tessa James on February 17, 2013, 05:33:48 PM
Post by: Tessa James on February 17, 2013, 05:33:48 PM
Many of us begin Transition with a spouse, partner, or significant other. What are you doing and experiencing that has made it more likely you two will stay together? What might you suggest that will foster better communication, adaptability and love for one another?
I have a decades long relationship with my supportive wife and would find it tragic to gain my true identity and loose my best friend.
We know trust is huge, what else can you tell me about what has worked for you?
Many thanks........
I have a decades long relationship with my supportive wife and would find it tragic to gain my true identity and loose my best friend.
We know trust is huge, what else can you tell me about what has worked for you?
Many thanks........
Title: Re: Staying together with your significant other through transition
Post by: blueconstancy on February 17, 2013, 06:55:58 PM
Post by: blueconstancy on February 17, 2013, 06:55:58 PM
reposting a comment of mine because I'm honestly too tired to be anywhere near this coherent today, but I wish you well and want to be helpful (and you might find the original thread to be really useful too - https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,134540.msg1077724.html#msg1077724 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,134540.msg1077724.html#msg1077724) ) :
Well, I *am* the SO, but yes. :) Actually, among the couples I know, the majority did stay together (and the ones who did not had already considered divorce before transition, for unrelated reasons). My wife transitioned in 2009, when we'd been married for 9 years and together for 14. It was a hell of a year, and there were certainly times when we were wondering if we could hold it together, but at this point we're happier together than we were before. Mostly because *she's* happier, more content, and generally a more stable person. (Yes, we still have a satisfying sexual and romantic life, and we made it work back when she was considering herself a guy, pre-op and then post-. Sure, it required some flexibility from both of us, but that too is part of marriage.)
I also know several partners who are of an orientation that conflicts with their transitioning spouse's new gender and still stayed together; some choose to redefine their orientation, some don't, but labels should not be allowed to define people to the exclusion of their own desires.
I am in fact bi and prefer women, which I am sure helped. Of course, I assumed that meant this would be "easy," which... was both cruel and silly. It actually took a lot of work on both our parts to deal with the millions of minor and major changes that transition required, and I give her a lot of credit - it was her willingness to consider my feelings and to delay anything I couldn't handle (not that I asked more than once or twice, but the offer itself meant a lot) that made this possible.
One thing to keep in mind is that no matter what anyone in the larger society says, this isn't something so bizarre and horrible that it's a free pass to divorce. Any major change (good or bad) can strain a marriage - having babies, chronic illness, changing careers - and this is just another example of a life change that takes serious effort to accommodate. It's a less statistically common one, sure, but that's all. Don't let anyone tell you that you're some kind of freak who deserves to lose her, or tell her that nobody ever sticks it out through a spouse's transition!
Your spouse probably has no real idea of the scope and complexity of the changes this will cause. That's not an insult; I'm not sure anyone does fully grasp it until they're on the other side. But if she loves you and is willing to try, and you're equally willing to work with her, there's a VERY good chance you can come out of it with a solid marriage. I've always said that love and commitment are the key factors (and communication!!); love doesn't overcome all, not without a hell of a lot of work, but it's a great start. She seems to be offering you that sort of excellent starting point, so it's possible. Good luck... and feel free to tell her to pop in here if she'd like to talk to other people who've been there.
Well, I *am* the SO, but yes. :) Actually, among the couples I know, the majority did stay together (and the ones who did not had already considered divorce before transition, for unrelated reasons). My wife transitioned in 2009, when we'd been married for 9 years and together for 14. It was a hell of a year, and there were certainly times when we were wondering if we could hold it together, but at this point we're happier together than we were before. Mostly because *she's* happier, more content, and generally a more stable person. (Yes, we still have a satisfying sexual and romantic life, and we made it work back when she was considering herself a guy, pre-op and then post-. Sure, it required some flexibility from both of us, but that too is part of marriage.)
I also know several partners who are of an orientation that conflicts with their transitioning spouse's new gender and still stayed together; some choose to redefine their orientation, some don't, but labels should not be allowed to define people to the exclusion of their own desires.
I am in fact bi and prefer women, which I am sure helped. Of course, I assumed that meant this would be "easy," which... was both cruel and silly. It actually took a lot of work on both our parts to deal with the millions of minor and major changes that transition required, and I give her a lot of credit - it was her willingness to consider my feelings and to delay anything I couldn't handle (not that I asked more than once or twice, but the offer itself meant a lot) that made this possible.
One thing to keep in mind is that no matter what anyone in the larger society says, this isn't something so bizarre and horrible that it's a free pass to divorce. Any major change (good or bad) can strain a marriage - having babies, chronic illness, changing careers - and this is just another example of a life change that takes serious effort to accommodate. It's a less statistically common one, sure, but that's all. Don't let anyone tell you that you're some kind of freak who deserves to lose her, or tell her that nobody ever sticks it out through a spouse's transition!
Your spouse probably has no real idea of the scope and complexity of the changes this will cause. That's not an insult; I'm not sure anyone does fully grasp it until they're on the other side. But if she loves you and is willing to try, and you're equally willing to work with her, there's a VERY good chance you can come out of it with a solid marriage. I've always said that love and commitment are the key factors (and communication!!); love doesn't overcome all, not without a hell of a lot of work, but it's a great start. She seems to be offering you that sort of excellent starting point, so it's possible. Good luck... and feel free to tell her to pop in here if she'd like to talk to other people who've been there.
Title: Re: Staying together with your significant other through transition
Post by: Tessa James on February 17, 2013, 08:25:18 PM
Post by: Tessa James on February 17, 2013, 08:25:18 PM
Thank you blueconstancy, I did a "search" first but the words were just different enough. I would be happy to move this post or merge it but don't know how.
I appreciate hearing from you especially as a successful SO. Your experience is very encouraging and my wife and I share a Bi orientation which might make this easier.
Thanks again
I appreciate hearing from you especially as a successful SO. Your experience is very encouraging and my wife and I share a Bi orientation which might make this easier.
Thanks again
Title: Re: Staying together with your significant other through transition
Post by: blueconstancy on February 17, 2013, 08:54:01 PM
Post by: blueconstancy on February 17, 2013, 08:54:01 PM
I think only moderators can move posts, so don't worry about it. I wasn't criticizing, though. :) I have trouble with searching for things here too.
I hope it does, in fact, turn out to be possible for you both, and without too much agonizing.
I hope it does, in fact, turn out to be possible for you both, and without too much agonizing.