Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello everyone, my name is Chloe. I've been poking around the forums for a little while now and figured I should probably introduce myself. I'm a 31yo mtf transgender woman who lives in Portland, Oregon, and have just begun the long process of transitioning. I'm a culture junkie, with a fixation on music, art, and literature that knows no end. If I'm not knee-deep in a good book, watching a film, or standing front right at a concert then you should check my pulse as I'm likely dead.

Like most of us, I've been wrestling with GD my whole life. The first time I can remember thinking to myself that I was born into the wrong skin was when I was 7 and out sledding with some friends and kept being referred to as she by their parents, which sent a bolt of joy right through my heart. I still remember the first time I read L. Frank Baum's Land of Oz, sequel to The Wizard of Oz, where a young boy named Tip is revealed at book's end to have been the long lost empress of Oz, Ozma, who had been bewitched into a boy's body until Glinda removed the curse. I dreamed often of Glinda removing my own curse.

I started to come out when I went to college but, after a particularly traumatic event perpetrated by a person I was very close to, I made a choice to never allow myself to be as vulnerable as I was then and put my own feelings in a box, sealed it tight, and hid it in the darkest corners of my mental closet. I shut down everything related to me- I stopped singing, stopped theatre, threw out all my girl clothes, and dropped out of every activist organization I was a part of. After changing schools and starting over, I went on to meet an amazing woman (now my amazing wife) who would inspire me to quit school, save up money and travel the world together, which is essentially exactly what we've spent the past ten years together doing.

Through it all, though, I was beset by feelings of self-loathing and disgust at my physical form and my inability to get rid of those femme aspects that are such an important part of my own identity. Mood swings, excessive drinking and other debauchery, fits of depression that lasted for months on end, this was the price I paid for my self-enforced silence. I'd see myself in the mirror, get depressed that I could never appear as I do in my own mental image and go on wild drinking bouts. The only times I legitimately felt joy were when my wife and I were able to leave the daily drudgery behind and take off for parts unknown.

While I've always struggled with my gender, over the past year the dysphoria has become so bad that I felt like something had to change before I took one of those drastic steps that I've often thought would be the only way out for me. So I started opening up again. I renewed my ties with the activist community, specifically the environmental justice groups here in the Northwest, the foreclosure resistance movements, and worker's rights groups, and plugged into a group of open and loving people struggling through their own personal turmoil to try to make the world a better place.

With the example of these fine friends I have been able to unpack a lot of the repressed feelings that have just been stewing in me all of these years and begun to figure out what parts of me are legitimately Chloe and what are pieces of the disguise I've built up to protect me. I've been able to stop drinking myself to sleep each night and a lot of the misdirected anger I have has just up and vanished and, while each day is still filled with more than its share of triggers and trials, I don't feel as though I'm teetering on the brink as much any more.

I finally came out to my wife last week and, while that was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I hate the pain, hurt, and blame that she's grappling with right now, it feels so good to finally be honest with the woman I most care about. If anything it's strengthened my resolve to come out completely and I'm excited to have my friends finally see me as I really am.

I'm glad to have found this internet haven filled with such compassionate people. I admire the openness and kindness that I've found in my interactions here and am glad that such a place exists to share our experiences and knowledge as we transition, so for all the reasons listed above and for so many others, thank you for providing these forums. It's so refreshing to know I'm not alone.

Hi Chloe, :icon_wave:

Welcome, from another Portlander, to our little family. Over 10211  strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS ) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-8.gif&hash=d9498942f8bbb4bf3ad29af75944ea5e1135c6fa)

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Thanks for the welcome, Janet, I'm always pleased to make the acquaintance of a fellow Portlander. I had no idea the group was so large! Knowing there are over 10,000 members does a lot to dispel any lingering feelings that no one else gets this, because clearly we are legion.

Welcome Chloe.  Let me point out that spouses will have lots of questions too.  We have a board set aside for "Significant Others" for them to discuss their unique issues.

Thanks Jamie. I had put together a list of resources for her beforehand and the SO forums were the first listed. I'm hoping she checks into them.