Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: Shodan on February 23, 2013, 10:22:56 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Hello!
Post by: Shodan on February 23, 2013, 10:22:56 PM
Post by: Shodan on February 23, 2013, 10:22:56 PM
Hey, everybody.
My therapist directed me to this site, since I'm still fairly new to this whole thing, and after a few days of poking around I figured I'd go ahead and register and introduce myself. It seems to be a very supportive and informative community around here and it's a little bit of something that I need to help me through this. So, here's a little bit about myself.
I'm a 39 year old IT professional, who's always struggled with depression. There have been times when I have attempted to take my own life, when things had gotten bad enough, and I wasn't on my meds. During these bouts of depression, I always thought life would have been better if I'd been born a girl. Not easier, mind you. Just better. The attempts at my own life was in a twisted way of thinking, a means to achieve that through reincarnation or some such nonsense. Keep in mind, I'm an atheist so you can kind of understand how desperate I was.
I always thought that these thoughts and feelings were just a side affect of my depression, that it was some kind of wish fulfillment that I was using to escape my horrible, horrible life. Which, honestly, a lot of people I know would be jealous. Sure, while I'm living paycheck to paycheck, I do make enough to support myself, my wife of 15 years, and my 14 year old son. It's not perfect by any means, but it's a far cry from being horrible. Anyway, one day, late January, while at work, I had come to a sudden epiphany:
I had it all backwards.
It was while reading my tumblr and looking at a post about a trans woman and her cis woman partner (and forgive me if I'm using the wrong terminology, as I'm still very new to this) getting hateful posts on their tumblr account for being just who they were and I was looking at their pictures and realized just how jealous I was of them. How natural she looked and how happy she was, despite the hate. I wanted that to be me.
And I broke down in tears, and became a sniffling mess. Hell, I'm still tearing up thinking about it. I was almost useless for two weeks while I struggled with this, and realized that I had to get help, where I sought out my current Psychologist who specializes in gender related issues. The only person I've come out to (other than my medical doctor and my psychologist) is my wife and she's handling it amazingly well. I've yet to tell my son, or my parents, and to be frank, I'm still at a loss about what I'm going to do with myself, and I figure that this is probably a good place to come because a lot of you have already gone through this, if not gone through worse.
So, yeah. Here I am. Greetings.
-SHODAN-
My therapist directed me to this site, since I'm still fairly new to this whole thing, and after a few days of poking around I figured I'd go ahead and register and introduce myself. It seems to be a very supportive and informative community around here and it's a little bit of something that I need to help me through this. So, here's a little bit about myself.
I'm a 39 year old IT professional, who's always struggled with depression. There have been times when I have attempted to take my own life, when things had gotten bad enough, and I wasn't on my meds. During these bouts of depression, I always thought life would have been better if I'd been born a girl. Not easier, mind you. Just better. The attempts at my own life was in a twisted way of thinking, a means to achieve that through reincarnation or some such nonsense. Keep in mind, I'm an atheist so you can kind of understand how desperate I was.
I always thought that these thoughts and feelings were just a side affect of my depression, that it was some kind of wish fulfillment that I was using to escape my horrible, horrible life. Which, honestly, a lot of people I know would be jealous. Sure, while I'm living paycheck to paycheck, I do make enough to support myself, my wife of 15 years, and my 14 year old son. It's not perfect by any means, but it's a far cry from being horrible. Anyway, one day, late January, while at work, I had come to a sudden epiphany:
I had it all backwards.
It was while reading my tumblr and looking at a post about a trans woman and her cis woman partner (and forgive me if I'm using the wrong terminology, as I'm still very new to this) getting hateful posts on their tumblr account for being just who they were and I was looking at their pictures and realized just how jealous I was of them. How natural she looked and how happy she was, despite the hate. I wanted that to be me.
And I broke down in tears, and became a sniffling mess. Hell, I'm still tearing up thinking about it. I was almost useless for two weeks while I struggled with this, and realized that I had to get help, where I sought out my current Psychologist who specializes in gender related issues. The only person I've come out to (other than my medical doctor and my psychologist) is my wife and she's handling it amazingly well. I've yet to tell my son, or my parents, and to be frank, I'm still at a loss about what I'm going to do with myself, and I figure that this is probably a good place to come because a lot of you have already gone through this, if not gone through worse.
So, yeah. Here I am. Greetings.
-SHODAN-
Title: Re: Hello!
Post by: V M on February 23, 2013, 10:44:34 PM
Post by: V M on February 23, 2013, 10:44:34 PM
Hi Shodan :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here
Please be sure to review
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here
Please be sure to review
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: Hello!
Post by: Ms. OBrien CVT on February 23, 2013, 10:49:53 PM
Post by: Ms. OBrien CVT on February 23, 2013, 10:49:53 PM
Hi Shodan, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 10226 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-5.gif&hash=cfc7a68438be4575d8493dfbe65d1b3586f10b81)
Janet (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Ff%2Ff5%2FVeterinary_technician_logo.jpg&hash=0bab696074af6aa50a904afe70a516e025a63ddf)
Welcome to our little family. Over 10226 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-5.gif&hash=cfc7a68438be4575d8493dfbe65d1b3586f10b81)
Janet (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Ff%2Ff5%2FVeterinary_technician_logo.jpg&hash=0bab696074af6aa50a904afe70a516e025a63ddf)
Title: Re: Hello!
Post by: CybilB on February 24, 2013, 09:20:46 AM
Post by: CybilB on February 24, 2013, 09:20:46 AM
You wouldn't happened to be named after this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iZMD_eCpEo#) SHODAN, would you?
If so, please don't kill me :o
If so, please don't kill me :o
Title: Re: Hello!
Post by: peky on February 24, 2013, 09:31:02 AM
Post by: peky on February 24, 2013, 09:31:02 AM
Quote from: CybilB on February 24, 2013, 09:20:46 AM
You wouldn't happened to be named after this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iZMD_eCpEo#) SHODAN, would you?
If so, please don't kill me :o
(Sentient Hyper-Optimized Data Access Network)...considering that she is an IT well I would bet yes
Alternative is that in Japanese "shodan" is the first degree black belt...no I do not think so,
In anycase, unique name....I like it!
Title: Re: Hello!
Post by: peky on February 24, 2013, 09:34:56 AM
Post by: peky on February 24, 2013, 09:34:56 AM
Quote from: Shodan on February 23, 2013, 10:22:56 PM
Hey, everybody.
My therapist directed me to this site, since I'm still fairly new to this whole thing, and after a few days of poking around I figured I'd go ahead and register and introduce myself. It seems to be a very supportive and informative community around here and it's a little bit of something that I need to help me through this. So, here's a little bit about myself.
I'm a 39 year old IT professional, who's always struggled with depression. There have been times when I have attempted to take my own life, when things had gotten bad enough, and I wasn't on my meds. During these bouts of depression, I always thought life would have been better if I'd been born a girl. Not easier, mind you. Just better. The attempts at my own life was in a twisted way of thinking, a means to achieve that through reincarnation or some such nonsense. Keep in mind, I'm an atheist so you can kind of understand how desperate I was.
I always thought that these thoughts and feelings were just a side affect of my depression, that it was some kind of wish fulfillment that I was using to escape my horrible, horrible life. Which, honestly, a lot of people I know would be jealous. Sure, while I'm living paycheck to paycheck, I do make enough to support myself, my wife of 15 years, and my 14 year old son. It's not perfect by any means, but it's a far cry from being horrible. Anyway, one day, late January, while at work, I had come to a sudden epiphany:
I had it all backwards.
It was while reading my tumblr and looking at a post about a trans woman and her cis woman partner (and forgive me if I'm using the wrong terminology, as I'm still very new to this) getting hateful posts on their tumblr account for being just who they were and I was looking at their pictures and realized just how jealous I was of them. How natural she looked and how happy she was, despite the hate. I wanted that to be me.
And I broke down in tears, and became a sniffling mess. Hell, I'm still tearing up thinking about it. I was almost useless for two weeks while I struggled with this, and realized that I had to get help, where I sought out my current Psychologist who specializes in gender related issues. The only person I've come out to (other than my medical doctor and my psychologist) is my wife and she's handling it amazingly well. I've yet to tell my son, or my parents, and to be frank, I'm still at a loss about what I'm going to do with myself, and I figure that this is probably a good place to come because a lot of you have already gone through this, if not gone through worse.
So, yeah. Here I am. Greetings.
-SHODAN-
Well, Shodan,
You are on good hands...lots of people here who have been in situations similar to you. Ask questions and you should get plenty of answers..
Welcome and happy postings,
Pekey
BTW the family is not 10,000, more like 50 people or so who post on regular basis...the rest are but a few voeyours...LOL
Title: Re: Hello!
Post by: Shantel on February 24, 2013, 10:21:05 AM
Post by: Shantel on February 24, 2013, 10:21:05 AM
Welcome Shodan,
Hope you enjoy your new friends, you are definitely at the right place!
Hope you enjoy your new friends, you are definitely at the right place!
Title: Re: Hello!
Post by: CybilB on February 24, 2013, 11:14:28 AM
Post by: CybilB on February 24, 2013, 11:14:28 AM
Quote from: peky on February 24, 2013, 09:31:02 AM
(Sentient Hyper-Optimized Data Access Network)...considering that she is an IT well I would bet yes
Alternative is that in Japanese "shodan" is the first degree black belt...no I do not think so,
In anycase, unique name....I like it!
I sorta figured, but I can always be wrong :p
Title: Re: Hello!
Post by: Shodan on February 24, 2013, 01:05:40 PM
Post by: Shodan on February 24, 2013, 01:05:40 PM
Quote from: CybilB on February 24, 2013, 11:14:28 AM
I sorta figured, but I can always be wrong :p
You are not wrong. I still haven't picked a name for myself IRL, even though it's stupidly easy to feminize the name I was born with. It just feels like a cop out to me. So I went with the first thing that popped into my head for these forums, and since a few friends of mine were just talking about System Shock 2, it was the only thing I could think of. :P