Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Ok this is going to sound a bit odd, but I ask this because i've scrolled through loads of gender dysphoria threads and transgender threads and I really feel sometimes like i'm the only person feeling like this.

Ok basically i'm transgendered, MTF, I know that much, and I really really really wish more than anything that I was a girl, and that I was born a girl, and some days my dysphoria is really bad and just hate myself so much.

But then there are other days when gender dysphoria doesn't really affect me. I mean i'm not happy at having a male body, but I sometimes just feel neutral about being a boy, and I don't really mind how I am. I'm never happy about being born male, but I just stop caring, if that makes sense. So it feels that my gender dysphoria comes in waves, rather than as a continuous misery.

Because of this I sometimes doubt myself and think; well am i actually transgendered? Do I really want to transition?

And this doubt makes me even more depressed because I can't think about what I really want to do.

Is it normal for people to feel good on some days and not care about gender dysphoria and feel content or neutral as they are? Or do other people get this eddying waves feeling that some days are bad whereas some are bearable or ok or fine?

Thanks for any replies! xx

Quote from: ConfusedGirlRuby on February 25, 2013, 01:19:44 PM

Is it normal for people to feel good on some days and not care about gender dysphoria and feel content or neutral as they are? Or do other people get this eddying waves feeling that some days are bad whereas some are bearable or ok or fine?

Yes, totally normal.

I have days where dysphoria is triggered, like when someone treats me differently because they think I'm a man, when I see a woman wearing clothes I want to wear, etc. But when I'm alone or busy, a lot of the time I don't notice it.

I can relate a lot. I can. I actually started a thread recently on the subject of doubt. It's something that plagues me a lot.

I have not yet transitioned, but I'll be seeing a therapist soon, and it's been something in the back of my mind all this time.

What if I'm not "REALLY" trans? If I worry about that a lot. In the past, my dysphoria was more noticeable. It was more "classic". I was a "boy", and wanted to be a girl, and I felt terrible about my body and appearance and how I was treated. At the moment, I feel like I'm experiencing dysphoria-like feelings, but it's about wanting to be trans for some reason. It's like I've almost forgot my gender dysphoria and replaced it with something else: doubt.

I've been flighting back the doubt. Listening to people's advice, trusting myself and trying to accept myself. It's been hard, and I imagine I will have "attacks" of doubt in the future. I just hope I can overcome them and transition. Through it all, that has still remained my goal.

I don't think cis people tend to worry about whether or not they're transgendered, and hope that they are though.

I've definitely felt that way. I haven't always had a constant gender dysphoria.

Some days it is overwhelming, and other days I wonder if I want to even bother taking the steps to transition. But I realize that in my heart, I am a man and that is how I wish to appear.

Just do you. Do what you feel. If you feel that you can be comfortable with the way your body is, then fine. If you feel that you want to change, then that's fine as well.

Oh thats good then, well not good, it's pretty bad. But I mean it's good i'm not the only one who isn't in some constant dreary state. The way it's portrayed on some sites is that transpeople are in this constant state of dysphoria that almost engulfs their being... I mean i'm sad that i'm not a girl, and I wish I was, and i'm probably going to transition, and I hate my body as it is, but there are good things in life that distract me from being sad all the time... like baking, and kittens. (but not baking kittens...)

If I'm honest, I'm going through a rather crippling session of doubt and worry right now.  :embarrassed:

Isn't this stupid... I'm (taking this from you Ruby) in a constant dreary state because I'm not in a constant dreary state. I'm a mess. I think my anxiety problems are getting the best of me right now.

Quote from: Trixie on February 25, 2013, 02:24:19 PM
If I'm honest, I'm going through a rather crippling session of doubt and worry right now.  :embarrassed:

Isn't this stupid... I'm (taking this from you Ruby) in a constant dreary state because I'm not in a constant dreary state. I'm a mess. I think my anxiety problems are getting the best of me right now.

I'm in the exact same boat! I know I want to be a girl, but i'm getting depressed at the fact that i'm not always gender dysphoric, so i'm doubting whether i'm transgender or not (to an extent), because I feel that if I really was transgender i'd be moping all the time about being in the wrong body. But I know I am transgender because I want to be a girl badly.

You're not alone  ;)

Quote from: ConfusedGirlRuby on February 25, 2013, 03:00:42 PM
I'm in the exact same boat! I know I want to be a girl, but i'm getting depressed at the fact that i'm not always gender dysphoric, so i'm doubting whether i'm transgender or not (to an extent),

We all wonder these things some days are worse than others. It can't be all dysphoric all the time! If it was most of us would probably take our own lives. Maybe the mind has a way of easing back when we've reached our limit. So we don't feel it as bad on some days.(I just made that last part up but it sounds good) But I do have my own doubts I work through on a daily basis. Doubts and fears is what makes us human. Having doubts doesn't make you any less trans. I think I would be more skeptical of someone who claims to have no doubts whatsoever.

Quote from: girl you look fierce on February 25, 2013, 03:39:17 PM
sometimes I just feel ruined by everything  :-\

I feel this way too sometimes! But its like any bad mood it goes away.

I rarely know 'why' I feel 'good' and I rarely fully understand why I feel 'bad'.

Life is a crap shoot where that is concerned.

I wake and the wife is receptive and I take zero effort to get that out of my hair and presto I am thinking 'cool today might be a good day'. I tend to think a day might be a good day anytime it begins with no hassle.

Then I get in the bath and I am not doing it to relax away pains because I currently have none and it's alright, more positive indicators. Then as I am soaking I notice the sun is out, and it's 'cool a nice day for a walk'.

All that raises my spirits and makes it easy to start off the day. I rarely fret on days when I have a good starting point.

But, maybe the wife is unavailable, my back hurts anyway, and 'it' malfunctions. Then I think I might be getting a nasal cold. The bath is humdrum and it is a lousy weather day making a walk seem like a bad idea. So I find myself not able to get that damned urge out of my hair, it nags at me. And everything just seems crappy. It's then easy enough to be negative about everything.

I usually only fret over my gender issues when I feel put upon by life. It's very mod dependent for me.

I usually hide on days like this.

Ive spent years doing that sometimes it comes on really strong. But then somtimes it just bubbles along under the surface. But there is one thing each time the real dysphoria comes back it is stronger and lasts longer. So i am now at the point that i have to do somthing about it. so your not on your own. :angel:

THANK YOU for making this thread! I was considering asking almost the exact same thing, because I've also been going through random periods where I just don't seem to care about wanting to be a girl anymore, for no adequately-explained reason. And I was also really getting scared that these weren't normal. Good to know. Now I can ease my mind a bit.

And Trixie, that is an excellent point about cisgendered people not worrying about whether they are trans or not, and hoping they are... because that's pretty much what's been going on with me. It's like "NOO!!! I WANT this! I want it so badly! Why do I suddenly feel like I don't care anymore?" Yeah... I guess the fact that when my gender dysphoria randomly quiets down, it actually bothers me, does indeed say something.

Quote from: Shannon1979 on February 25, 2013, 05:11:52 PM
Ive spent years doing that sometimes it comes on really strong. But then somtimes it just bubbles along under the surface. But there is one thing each time the real dysphoria comes back it is stronger and lasts longer. So i am now at the point that i have to do somthing about it. so your not on your own. :angel:

I feel like this also. I have questioned for years if this was real, if I was really trans, if I was sure. And I have really repressed my feelings about it. It is so painful. And now, that I'm really taking action, I'm freaking out even more than I did before. I tell myself it must be real, because I keep going down this path, and I'm scared and lonely and wonder why my life isn't just good enough. But it never goes away. It always comes back and it comes back worse and worse. And I try to do things to myself to compensate, like if I just lose a couple more pounds or if I just could be happy about my skin or if I just style my hair more feminine. Or I'll get another laser treatment. But it's never enough and I always feel like I'm cheating myself. I hate the cross dressing because it makes me feel so guilty even when I do it and I feel happy for a while, I know it's only temporary and it's not real enough anymore.

But the doubt is giving me anxiety and my nerves are destroyed already. I can't sleep anymore. I sleep like 5 hours a night and as soon as I wake up it's all I think about. And now I'm slow close I can touch it, but then one day I'll be like, "No, forget it, it's impossible and it's too painful and you're being so selfish."

I try to explain this to my therapist. She will ask me what something looks like or what I picture in some scenario and I can't answer. I don't know. I can tell her with clarity what my life will look like if I do nothing, and it is a nightmare. So am I trading one nightmare for another????? Why can't I just endure this and be done with it. I'm not some daydreaming kid anymore. I hope that once E starts I will calm down, but who knows. The doubt is so strong and the fear of regret is so present. But I know for certain I will regret doing nothing and how can I live with that. I've wanted this for so many years and I was always so certain but WHAT IF?

I think those thoughts will be there regardless. You have to go on what you feel. Ive spent years denying my feelings. But if i dont do something about it now i will never know.

I found this quote dont know who its by (So yes it plagurized). Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have or could have had. No one waits forever. Makes a lot of sense. :angel:

I think it is totally normal. I certainly was that way. But after FT I don't have the bad ones anymore, just the good ones.

Quote from: Cindy James on February 26, 2013, 04:42:21 AM
I think it is totally normal. I certainly was that way. But after FT I don't have the bad ones anymore, just the good ones.

That pretty much sums it up for me too.. :)

Very much. My dysphoria isn't constant: sometimes I feel like I should be a girl and other times I feel like it doesn't matter. And those times when I don't make me worry about those times when I do.

Like Cheetaking243 said, thank you Ruby for making this thread, as this has been bugging too as of late.

I too have had to remind myself that cis people don't worry about these things.

Another thanks for this thread... unlike cheetaking I wasnt going to ask about it, I was just going to beat myself up with it for a while, so thanks lol :-)

Quote from: Shannon1979 on February 25, 2013, 05:11:52 PM
But there is one thing each time the real dysphoria comes back it is stronger and lasts longer. So i am now at the point that i have to do somthing about it. so your not on your own. :angel:

Oh yeah, I'm there too.  Over the years I've pushed it back and been successful in denial but, yeah it comes back and yeah, each time it's worse than the last and lasts longer.  It gets harder and harder to deal with.  The ebb and flow is normal, I think the self doubt is too.  there's just so much going on and so many considerations like how will i manage this or what happens to my marriage or the kids etc.  I'd have had a break down a long time ago if it were constant.

Colleen.

This has been my last week! I have made some great steps recently and am feeling so much more at peace but then I worry that because I am comfortable with this now that it might be less real. When I finished work a few days ago I was exhausted (and I bet I looked terrible!) and I just felt about as feminine as a brick. I got home thinking the whole time thinking "why is this? I didnt think about it once at work today!", except for my lunch break where I was on here:)
I put it down to being in work mode and focusing on the task at hand and not myself (which I do too), but the next day I was just... blank. I seriously started thinking if this was real and I was started worrying just like, apparently everyone else! I wrote myself a letter from Cynthia about transitioning when I was feeling really good and another when I was feeling really bad. I read them both and it just made me realise that yes, this IS me, I am doing really well and that we all have our ups and downs. That really helps me when I'm having a tough day/week.
You aren't alone!

I have a theory. Right now, it's not the way I look that's most keeping me from happily expressing myself the way I want to. It's the way a potential therapist will see me, and whether or not I'll be seen as "really" trans enough to transition. That's likely the source of my worry.

Quote

QuoteIs it normal for people to feel good on some days and not care about gender dysphoria and feel content or neutral as they are? Or do other people get this eddying waves feeling that some days are bad whereas some are bearable or ok or fine?

Sounds normal to me. If something inside us doesn't shut it off for awhile, we could go totally bonkers. Doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing. Other health issues are like that, too.

I can honestly say it's something that I worried about too. I used to be concerned I was the only FTM (or trans* person, for that matter) that had dysphoria that ebbed and flowed. Sometimes I'm neutral to having female anatomy and other times I can't stand it.  After reading these responses, I feel so much better. It's so amazing to know I'm not alone, since for many years I felt like I was on my own little trans-island. :)

Quote from: Trixie on February 27, 2013, 04:48:35 PM
I have a theory. Right now, it's not the way I look that's most keeping me from happily expressing myself the way I want to. It's the way a potential therapist will see me, and whether or not I'll be seen as "really" trans enough to transition. That's likely the source of my worry.

I have that worry a lot, too. Even though I've wanted to transition for a really long time, I've never been able to see a therapist about it. I really worry that a therapist might write me off as 'normal' and I'll be stuck this way. It's not that I doubt myself so much. It's more that I worry that other people will doubt me.

Quote from: Trixie on February 27, 2013, 04:48:35 PM
I have a theory. Right now, it's not the way I look that's most keeping me from happily expressing myself the way I want to. It's the way a potential therapist will see me, and whether or not I'll be seen as "really" trans enough to transition. That's likely the source of my worry.

I have that fear too. It makes feel like there are right and wrong answers, but really she's been helpful and I'm starting to trust her a little more. I will be devestated if they deny me.

I do sometimes, but like others have said, if I had full-blown gender dysphoria 24/7, I'd be in a room with padded walls and doors that only locked from the outside.

Well I have definitely went through the roller coaster of emotions and doubt due to transitioning. I never completely hated and despised my male body; I was more neutral with it like you described. I first had thoughts that confused me about my gender when I was around 7 or 8 and throughout my teenage years I repressed these thoughts and did everything possible to try and live my life as a "straight male".

I played basketball 3 out of the 4 seasons and I did track in the off season to stay in better shape and I enjoyed being competitive and being able to play physical in that aspect, but I didn't fit in otherwise with other males. I didn't date until I was 17 and once I started dating, I think it just added to my dysphoria, especially when I was in a committed relationship. I could tolerate playing that straight male role for a while, but once I got farther into a serious relationship, I subconsciously was extremely bothered by pretending to be someone I'm not.

When I first decided to transition, I was excited and extremely motivated and when more and more time went by, I was able to think things through better and I realized how big of a decision I truly made. That freaked me out a little bit and I considered the thought that maybe I wasn't actually trans and I just needed to try being a straight male again and find some other sort of outlet. It felt as if I was arguing with myself and I was tearing myself apart, but for myself I understood that transition is right for me and I used key thoughts and events to push me forward again. I constantly remind myself of when I was really young(like 9) I would pray to God at night to wake up a little girl in the morning and wouldn't know exactly why, it just felt right at the moment, or why I would wear my mothers clothing when she wasn't around and it made me happy.

I'm at about 5 months of hormones now and I still have doubts from time to time, and I worry about my transition way more than I should, but I'm just going to keep pushing along and doing my very best to be honest with myself. I look at myself and I ask if I'd be happier as a female or a male and the answer is really obvious for me. You're not alone, just be honest with yourself and you will get through everything! I wish you the best!

Emma

Every time I start to doubt myself, I always think about the two weeks after I made the discovery that I was trans. I figure that if I wasn't, then I wouldn't have been spending those two weeks nearly constantly bawling my eyes out about it. All I have to do is remember the pain that I was in during that time, and what the source of that pain was, and all my doubts disappear. If I wasn't really trans, then I wouldn't be feeling so hurt about it.

Also, no therapist worth their salt should be judging you. There should be no 'trans enough' for them. If there is, then you need to find another therapist. I'd shopped around and went through three or four therapists before I settled on the one that I got, and she's really really good. She's sympathetic, knowledgeable, supportive and helpful. If you're not happy with the therapist you're with it might be worth your time to see if you can find another.

The thing that confirmed it for me was the going round in circles. Thing is everybody has fantasies (i only use the term fantasies loosly in this context). But generally these are fleeting thoughts that may hang around for a bit when they come up. However they generally go away not coming back. With The trans thing i had at one point thought it was that, but the fact is it kept coming back around. As i said before stronger than before. This is really what confirmed it for me. Having it come around again and again said ok this is not fantasy its reality so you had better deal with it. And now i am.

Quote from: Shannon1979 on February 28, 2013, 08:37:36 AM
The thing that confirmed it for me was the going round in circles.

I think the going round in circles is very common.  The self doubt and self examination along with the shame is all part of the problem.  It's all stuff that needs to be examined with a therapist's help.

BTW Shannon, I love your new avatar, very cute outfit. :)

Colleen.

Quote from: AwishForXX on February 28, 2013, 11:00:45 AM

BTW Shannon, I love your new avatar, very cute outfit. :)

Colleen.

Thank you. Have become a big fan of primark. as long as your carefull what you choose you can get some good stuff for not a lot. The dress was only £7. :angel:

Yes, I constantly have these nagging thoughts too.

I was a classic case. Started dressing at 10 and kept doing so ever more elaborately into adulthood.

The first psychologist that I went to 4-years ago told me (after three sessions) that I would transition fully. That came as a surprise, as I really didn't know what I said to lead her to that conclusion.

I started taking oestrogen a year ago (after seeing psychiatrist and endo), which lasted for 5-months. Now I'm back on it again. So, no, HRT will not stop to the nagging doubts.

One thing I have realised is that however much I may want to transition I don't have the strength or courage to do so. I just can't see it happening for many (mostly external) reasons. At best, I think I'll have to settle for something in between. I don't know. I really don't.

I feel that all this indecision about my gender is negatively affecting my life. And because I feel this way, I think that obsessing over my gender is trivial. And when I think this way, I think about the number of times I've mentally constructed suicide letters to family members.

Where to now, I wonder?

Yes but that's mostly just me trying to get out of it.

Quote from: ~RoadToTrista~ on March 01, 2013, 06:12:35 AM
Yes but that's mostly just me trying to get out of it.

Your comment is where my inner dialogue starts in regards to transitioning. What if I'm just obsessing about being female for reasons other than being born with the wrong body (I can think of many)? That is, how can I trust that my thoughts are a true reflection of my gender and not some fantasy generated by other means?

I consider my gender dysphoria to be the greatest challenge that I've ever faced. But it's a challenge that I also resent, as it takes up far too much of my time.

YES! I am exactly the same way. More often than not I don't really care as much about being a guy. Not that I like it but it doesn't bother me as much. It's like I'm neautral to a little unhappy as a male but happy as a female. I always wonder if I'm really trans. I assure myself I am every single day but I don't really do too much to reinforce it. I often go weeks in guy mode, with maybe a little break on a weekend when I'm still out as a man anyway. I'm rarely like my avatar. I even grew my mustache periodically until I started laser hair removal. My good friend who's also m-f seems to be more "into" it than I am but there are times we're two guys hanging out. So you're not alone here. You know who you are and that's it.

At this point I tend to use it to my advantage. What gets me through the day is looking forward to living full time as a woman. In the meantime I'm taking hormones, training my voice, and letting my identity develop. I see my progress and downfalls, what I need to work on and how. I'm being nice and patient, savoring the time and using it wisely. Like making BBQ smoked pork. If you can be patient, the end result is optimized. I guess it's a good way to look at it. I see it all too often, especially in the business and financial world, when people really want the end result, and they get greedy and rush it. Sure disaster.

Quote from: lydia_s on March 01, 2013, 08:34:12 AM
More often than not I don't really care as much about being a guy. Not that I like it but it doesn't bother me as much. It's like I'm neautral to a little unhappy as a male but happy as a female. I always wonder if I'm really trans. I assure myself I am every single day but I don't really do too much to reinforce it. I often go weeks in guy mode, with maybe a little break on a weekend when I'm still out as a man anyway.

I identify with this a lot. I assume that everyone of every sex and gender goes through periods when they're not thinking about themselves in terms of gender and how they present themselves publicly, or even privately -- you just be, is, am, are... whatever. I think the point of difference between the myriad of genders and the normalised male/female binary is lifetime of cultural and societal influences.

That said, I have a son and he, I believe, genuinely gravitates toward more traditional boyish interests. I had this chat with my very knowledgeable, worldly, amiable and understanding female GP (a rare combination of positives for a GP) a while back. She said that despite her not intuitively or professionally buying into gender roles, she couldn't help but notice that quite often babies do show such inclinations. It vexes her.

I feel the same thing.

OMG thank god for this thread ive been freaking the last 2 months or so complete sudden onset from such a solid state of mind.  well suppose freaking is a bit strong more like creatively ruminating on transition with  intense moments.   I am 6 months HRT.  i think a large portion of my trigger that started my doubting chaos had to do with mental state i have these moments where i feel and perceive my physical body as totally female, and i'm happy ect then other moments it seems like my mind is having trouble letting go of the facade it has portrayed for so many years and that "residual self image gets stuck on man" so to speak and i get depressed or start questioning the whole process.  I Had my dysphoria as long as i can remember much stronger when i was younger and more indifferent as i got older.  but once i started HRT really realized how much dysphoria i have had all along.   Not to mention noticing areas not changing really causes a good bout of dysphoria now.  I know alot of people worry about passing or not passing but i think in terms of transition at least for me the greatest challenge is my body passing to my own mind everyone else can shove off.  things being all wonky with " my mind trying to pass to my own mind" doesn't help one bit haha  but hey at least everyone i know sees the real me even under the cloak of masculinity.   Another thing I have learned is that the internal battle is worst when the external battle is frightening.  femininity is my heart and masculinity my defense.  so when im scared  its all fight Super Ego time and that just gets really confusing.  I had a spout at one time were i lost site of what the illusion was being a girl or being a guy.  that was at about 1 month pre-hrt  i was living at home full time and switching for work.  same spell and thoughts hit at about 3 months too when i started essentially full half time public and all.  ended with my employer getting a surprise at the end of the day but he already knew what i was going through just no advanced warning on coming to work as a female really made for a interesting look on his face.