Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey All.....  Haven't been in here for a while.  Been having a hard time, and not really sure why that was...... until the other day in therapy when something came up.  It was interesting in that how it came up was so casual....... yet it hit so hard.

I have a lot of walls up.  As a lot of you know I have a successful life.  I've achieved a lot as a guy.  I burried the girl in me, and created quite an amazing life.  When it came to transition, my therapist had trouble getting through my walls.  And in one little comment....... which was "I think I missed my time"....... a wall crumbled, and things came out.  It was at the end of my session, so I didn't get to really go into it.  Yet, as my therapist noted, I wouldn't let myself cry over it.  The wall remained.  Even with all this estrogen.... hell, I cry watching the Simpsons for gosh sakes... I wouldn't cry.  I've tried to let it go the past week, as it's been killing me.  Barely eat... just sit on the couch... (I did take the time to watch all seasons of breaking bad... great show..)  But anyway, I thought, maybe I should get it out in here.  I'm ususally the one helping others here, but I think it's time I write about my stuff.

So, this is what I realized.  I'll never be the woman I wanted to be.  I'll never grow up with girlfriends.  I'm way past puberty.  I'll never get to grow up from a girl to a woman.  I'll never be daddy's little girl.  Never go to prom as a woman.  Won't experience bonding with other girls in high school as we discover who we are.  I won't be that 20 something girl in the club, dancing in a pretty, but short dress.  I don't know....... there's so much.  When I thought about becoming a woman, I think my mind was sitting there the whole time.  As if, when I started the transition, I would go back there.  But I can't.  I"m 43.  I think in my mind, I"m this 18-20 year old girl..... with her whole life ahead.  Except I'm not.  And I won't be.  Ever.

Now I'm having the problem of being lost...... as if I'm two people.  After All, what has Aubrey done with her life?  She's 3 years old.  I've only had the hormonal balance of a woman for a short time. In my head lies the dreams of the young child, so desperately wanting to be a woman.  The little girl who never had a voice.  Never had an experience.  Never had a life.  And after 40 years, this guy says "Ok, your turn".......  And the girl is lost, and the guy has problems letting go of his life he built.  The girl was always hidden away.  And suddenly, she's here......  With the dreams of a young girl, and the body of an old man.

And I just can't seem to figure out how to process that.  That stark contrast.  I don't know if I want to take down that wall and let myself feel the pain that little girl felt being trapped.  Watching her life go by, and her not being able to even be out to enjoy it.  Not being able to participate at all.  So, I think that all this has stopped me in my tracks.

I don't hate myself.  I'm not sure how much I love myself, but I don't hate myself.  My spiritual mind tells me to stop it.  People have worse problems than me.  I understand that life isn't always fair, or perfect.  But really, how could anyone do this to a little girl?  If it were the girls parents....... that kept her hidden in the closet, wouldn't let her speak, wouldn't let her go out..... they'd be put in jail.  Yet I did this.  I did this to me.  I wasn't strong enough to say anything.  And I had my chances..... but I couldn't do it.  (Back then, remember, there was no internet.  I had no idea that anyone else in the world felt like this.  I just thought something was wrong with me.)  So I kept quiet.  I locked this girl away, and now I'm letting her go out, and she doesn't know what to do.  And I don't think she likes me all that much for making her miss what was supposed to be her life.  LIke "Why did you let me go now?  Why didn't you just keep me hidden?  What am I supposed to do now?"  And I just don't know what to tell her.

I just don't know what to tell her.

Well, at least the tears are here now.  Anyway....... thanks for listening.

You are not alone. Most of us have missed much of what we would consider our childhood. Even us early-mid 20's transitioners feel this. Hell almost every week I have an episode where I regret not coming out earlier. I mean my early childhood wasn't that bad but the puberty years and much of college were a complete train wreck for me. I hated myself and suffered so much during what is considered by society to be some of the best years of life, young free and careless.

However I must remind myself that this time is past, that focusing on something that can never be changed is a futile waste of time. The best we can do is live what time we've given ourselves to the fullest and to work to change the world so that generations of young trans people after us may be able to express their true selves without fear or denial. We are simply a product of our environment. I do not hate my time as a male though I did not enjoy it I believe it made me the woman I am today, strong and unique.

Please don't be so hard on yourself, you are beautiful, strong and have much life yet to live and much to give.  ;)

Live the life you missed.. I am, as much as possible.

Age is a state of mind. For the most part, I act and think like someone in her early 20's - even my therapist has commented on it. I'm taking steps to go back to the kind of work I wanted to do when I got out of high school. Most of my friends are in their 20's.. I party like there's no tomorrow. I'm squeezing all the fun out of life that I can.

that just means you have some fun to make up for. just like a woman who was attached to one guy from 15-40 and is now single. have fun and enjoy yourself. if you feel 20 have fun like a 20 year old. im not saying be easy or anything like that. just go out and start enjoying being you and make up for lost time.

Hmmm i'm probably at the level of teenager in terms of acting my age.

I sleep with him every night  ;D.... :icon_redface:

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa172%2FDeathguard1337%2FIMG_0193_zps76f47bbe.jpg&hash=7b9aca149c47570ff4860bb4e5574851a13c0cbb)



....don't hate

Wow, Aubrey. I don't know what to say, but you just pretty much told my story. Different things missed, same kind of thoughts and feelings. I don't express this stuff very well, but you do & I thank you for taking the time to put it in words.

What I've been trying to do with it is let my boy enjoy this puberty and explore the world while the old adult self stands guard. It seems to mostly have to guard against internal judgement and paralysis. But we have managed to go out and try some new things. Everything new he puts into this life helps him focus on today & stretch his identity & even build some new body memories. It's a start, anyway. We don't have to know where we're going...that's the fun of exploring.

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on February 27, 2013, 10:57:51 AM
Hmmm i'm probably at the level of teenager in terms of acting my age.

I sleep with him every night  ;D.... :icon_redface:

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa172%2FDeathguard1337%2FIMG_0193_zps76f47bbe.jpg&hash=7b9aca149c47570ff4860bb4e5574851a13c0cbb)



....don't hate

i wont hate on you as i sleep with teddies too. but yeah ladies make up for the lost time. thats what im doing and it really does help

I relate to this, and I suppose this is why a lot of us dress younger and act younger than our age, but its better to enjoy whats coming rather than spend it worry about what could have been in the past.

You are probably right about most the stuff on your list, but not being able to wear short skirts and dance at night clubs? Please! :-) You def look like you could pull that off easily :-)

I also have a thing for teddies, but I have been too embarrassed to buy myself one....   I think I will feel safer giving in to myself on that one now seeing the other posts. :-)

At 58, I can relate.  I, too, never got to grow up as a girl.  Most of my life was as a male.  And even now I don't seem to have many friends, IRL.  I do wish I could have been a "Daddy's girl."  But that has past, so I make the best of being a woman now.

Maybe one day, I will have girlfriends and can be part of that world.

Be strong.  At least we have a chance now.

I wish i could have been "any bodies child" but that along with "not growing as a girl" did not happened. So, you are not alone with the "loss."

However, in my case there is no hurt...I made sure my kids were "daddy's kids, all of them." Through them I enjoy the childhood I never had. As I see my girls turn from girls into young ladies, I vicariously enough ride along with them.

Take heart darling,  find the alternate path...

Can you want to be the woman you are?

Sure, you're not quite where you dreamed you would be. But do you think you can learn to like where you are?
God only knows we can't do much about our age. Even more than our gender, our physical age moves in a precise and measured way, and nothing we can do can fix that. So I guess I wonder, is there a 43-year-old woman you can want to be? Can be content as?

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on February 27, 2013, 10:57:51 AM
Hmmm i'm probably at the level of teenager in terms of acting my age.

I sleep with him every night  ;D.... :icon_redface:

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa172%2FDeathguard1337%2FIMG_0193_zps76f47bbe.jpg&hash=7b9aca149c47570ff4860bb4e5574851a13c0cbb)



....don't hate

awww <3     

no h8 ^.^

Quote from: auburnAubrey on February 27, 2013, 10:14:45 AM
I just don't know what to tell her.

Tell her you're sorry.

And try to keep moving forward.

I'm a post transition woman and I truly love my life. I had a good career before my transition and an even better career post. So I didn't go to the prom or get walked down the aisle. BFD. How many women speak about proms?? None that's how many. I live a truly authentic life. I love being a woman emotionally physically, sexually every way I can dream of. There wasn't a wall big enough in this world that would keep me from my happiness. Enjoy your life before its over or too late.

Quote from: ZoeM on February 27, 2013, 12:29:34 PM
So I guess I wonder, is there a 43-year-old woman you can want to be? Can be content as?

Best question of the day...

And thanks for all the responses.  It's weird, because I already know the answers.  And no, I haven't mourned... which is what my therapist is trying to get me to do.  I use my spiritual mind now to say all the things everyone else in here said.  Live now.  Can't change the past, etc and so on.  But as my therapist says, that doesn't help me process the pain that is inside.  The little girl doesn't want to hear that..... she wants to scream that it's not fair.. she wants to throw a temper tantrum.  And I just won't let myself do that.  I know I have to....... just let it go.  And I don't know why I can't.  Like I don't want to hear the words coming out of my mouth or something.  And I know its crazy...... I know I have to let it go.  Mourn, then let it go and continue.  But I guess if I won't let myself mourn.... won't let myself hurt... won't let myself cry over it, those feelings will stay inside.

Guess I got used to keeping everything inside better than I thought I did.  Now I have to trust myself to let it out.  And then, yeah, work on the "Is there a 43 year old woman that I want to be...."

Feel kind of silly even talking about it.  It's pretty obvious.  Just wasn't expecting it to hurt so bad seeing that thought process.......

Wow. I felt much the same way. But you've really hit on something I had never considered before. I had just assumed that much the reason I felt I missed out on so much was because I wasn't successful in my birth sex. I always assumed people who were had it made even after transition.

There's something else too. I think trans women miss out on something that's just not as big a deal for men as it is for women. High school, dances, being young and 'hot', and all those experiences are more important to women's development than men's. It's certainly much more glorified in our culture for women than for men.

You've missed out on something very important to most females. No wonder you're crying. Any girl would. Go ahead and grieve about it and don't feel bad for doing so. Then do what you can to make up for what you missed the first time around.

If that's you in your avatar, you're gorgeous and don't look anywhere near 40. Better go out and make the most of your looks while you got them. Look young, act young, you are young. It's that simple. Who says you can't reclaim these experiences. So what if you have to take part in them later than most?

.

Part of mourning is hurting and being angry.  You have lost something and it was not fair.  I have experienced the feeling of a lost life and having to mourn what was lost so as to move into the present.  I also had a successful and long life as a male, but it was a hollow life.  Like I lived someone else's life and had someone else's happiness.  Now, I get to have my own happiness and know it is mine.

Aubrey:

In my diary there's pages filled with self pity and pain over the exact same feelings.  I started transition so late in life that one foot may be in the grave by the time I have SRS.  But I still go on. 

We all missed a special childhood.  It was something so close to our touch, and preciously wanted, but so horribly distant.  I believe we will leave all this doubt and pity behind, and begin to grapple with our own special womanhood.  The best days are around the corner, and I'm determined to take mine as they come.

Don't get me wrong, because it still hurts to have missed that life.  To have been exluded from the one group I needed, while uncomfortably muddling through childhood, puberty, and adulthood in total confusion.  But time moves on, and we can change the way we live.   So I'm now more determined than ever to stop wasting more time, and find a way to live what's left of my days as a woman.  And live those days fully. 

Take care Aubrey.  You're not alone.

Hugs, Kathy

Aubrey, you are so very much not alone in this.
I for one quite often have very much similar feelings regarding starting late, I started at 33.
I definitely feel like I missed heaps, possibly the best years. I remember the jealousy in my teens and 20's of cis-girls very well, wishing I could wear what they do, have the life they do and be just be like them, wondering why I wasn't.

I am never going to have those years back either, so much missed and now I am finally me and I'm a mid 30's woman. I get pretty self conscious sometimes when I wear the clothes I like, I tend to dress like an old 80's goth which makes me happy but I really don't think its quite the appropriate attire for a mid 30's lady. But then part of me thinks #!#@!! it, its who I am and I like it.

Really though, what can you do? There are many beautiful years left ahead that's for sure, and there is no way in hell I would or could for that matter spend them as a man.

Also I think maybe now for those of us who started late its perhaps a bit more confronting as there seems to be so much more exposure for trans people and acceptance everywhere, with this comes great opportunity, so many more lucky young ones coming out and being free. At least that's what I have seen here in Australia.

One more thing though I will say, from your profile photo you look really pretty and I would not have put you at 40's if someone asked, more 30's, so you have gained some years :)

Jay-Bird

Hmm interesting thread.

OP I am almost the same age as you so I recognize well those feelings (that first post made me feel like crying too), although we differ in that I am not doing the transitioning thing.

I think regardless of whether or not, or when, one transitions the answer is self acceptance.

Also, times and technology always change. Those young transitioners we are jealous of now, will probably also find when they get older that they look at 'trans' people younger than them and think I wish I had this or that when I was their age. It's the way things go. There's lots of change happening for 'trans' people at the moment, even if it does feel imperceptibly slow at times... Heck, when I was at school it was completely unheard of for anyone to be openly gay at school let alone trans anything.

Anyway, overall I'm happy I grew up when I did as there is plenty I wouldn't like about growing up now - I liked there not being mobile phones, internet, facebook and all that stuff for starters!

I find it interesting to be the odd one out in this thread, as while I recognize all these painful feelings in myself too, I'm the only one (in this thread at least) who keeps saying – transitioning, not going there, nopity nope, not ever, lol, whereas twenty something years ago, when I wasn't able to do anything about it, I was adamant it was something I had to do. Good job I'm not one to follow the crowd, hey!

I want to end on a positive and tell you to go outside in the sunshine and run about and get those endorphins going; you'll probably feel better. Hopefully you don't live somewhere that's an ice block!

Quote from: auburnAubrey on February 27, 2013, 02:50:56 PM... my therapist says, that doesn't help me process the pain that is inside.

Your therapist is right - you need to vent the pain.

I grew up in the 1950s and 60s and fought a lot of the battles alone when nobody knew anything and I was often the first TS person anyone in the medical field had seen. My diagnosis was by Dr. Benjamin in 1966, the year his book came out, and my surgery was by Dr. Biber very early in his practice (1974). It was a f'ing tough battle but I made it - I survived, but just barely! I went 'deep stealth' immediately after surgery and stayed there for 30 years. In my late 50s I sought professional help for the childhood abuse and ended up dealing with a whole lot of crap from my early years. It has taken me quite a few years and a LOT of tears to properly grieve for the little girl, all the crap she had to put up with, all the betrayals and disappointments, and the things she missed out on because of her odd situation.

When I went through everything, there was no therapy requirement, just a "sanity assessment", but I wish I had done therapy a LOT earlier. It would have been nice to have the grief GONE instead of just pushing it into a closet. (Or at least as "gone" as it could ever be.)

Stick with your therapist and keep working on it! It will come, it will be tough, but it will be worth it!

You know, even though I'm only 27 years old, I feel this a lot too.

While I actually was in high school, that was honestly when my dysphoria was the absolute worst, and it was because I was seeing all around me the girlhood that I would never have. I constantly saw the teenage girls in their tight little groups bonding and growing up together, and laughing together, and going through the pains and joys of teenage romance, and through all of that the girl inside of me was absolutely screaming. "I should be doing that too, damn it!!!" But despite how painful it was, I never let her out. And now, 10 years later, I really do feel like I've missed what should have been the best years of my life. All of my female friends talk about how great high school was, about how they loved the activities they were in, and how they loved having all those friends so much, and they wish that they could go back there. While I wasted my entire teenage years feeling miserable, alone, and staring at the femininity that I knew I should have had, as a sidelined observer. So it is VERY painful to realize that I'm never going to get those years back.

All the more reason, though, to post topics like this in the first place. So that those who are young, and those who still have a chance to live their teenage years actually in the right gender, can have the courage to do so before it's too late. I really wish that I had known then what I know now, that it's not just a strange thing that only weirdos do, it's actually surprisingly common, normal even. And I wish that I had known that there was a way to stop puberty and actually feminize the body in a completely natural way that doesn't even require surgery. If I had known about either of these things, I would have done it MUCH younger.

So I know it hurts. It hurts me too. But there's always good that comes out of pain. You learn things, and you can share your experience with others so that they can have a chance at a better life. Posts like yours are the very thing that finally convinced me that I couldn't wait any longer, and that I had to do what I knew was right, while I was still (relatively) young, and while there was still time. So thank you. I know it hurts, but there really needs to be a big thanks here for sharing your thoughts. Thank you very much to everyone who has shared their experiences here. I pray that someone young who is questioning themselves can find this topic and read it, and realize just what they are missing out on by NOT transitioning.

Hi  Aubrey, I don't know if this matters since I don't know you or anything, but you're the woman I want to be.

I share my bed every night with my two friends, Mikhaila Bearishnikov (a small but courageous bear, she wears a purple tutu and leotard and dances ballet) and Dollie Partoff (the doll my mother sewed for me for Christmas, saying "I made one for all my other daughters. I'm sorry it took me so long to make you yours Maddie."

Today I had an intense session with my therapist. After 52 weeks of work, I am ready to do some inner child work, reuniting with little Maddie. I already made contact with, and brought out for healing, her twin brother, but little Maddie still needs a lot of love and a chance to finally speak and be herself at last. I am learning to be the loving and accepting mother she never had.

Wish you the best in your healing journey. It is hard work, but it is well worth it.

the posts here are so heartening, but also indicate the difficulty in knowing something was lost, or not participated in when you knew you were meant to. Venting is good, but realizing what you have and using that to its fullest is most important.

I never had those situations or feelings.  I lived my first 65 years as male with no indications or thoughts of anything else.  At age 65, realized what I was, and even can see the indications I ignored during my life (a happy fruitful life).  Now at 66, TS, on HRT, all I have to remember and/or look forward to is finding a life as a 66 year old woman (with non accepting wife I dearly love, and cannot hurt) with a very limiting life.  I get angered at times, and vent and cry all afternoon, but I know I can still have a great future if I will just work on it and accept it as it is.

Barbara

Aubrey dear, so so many of your points hit me head on!  And it's nice to see you back!

Yes I missed my time by 50 years but at least I have "now" which is much better than being turned back into star dust without the world having met the real me at all.

In school I had more female friends than male even though I was hopelessly stuck in boy mode, but I enjoyed those years because unknown to them I was able to think like and understand them just fine, it was better than being alone, but I really wanted to be physically the same as them.

When raising my two daughters I would take them shopping, do their hair in fun styles and all sorts of other things none of the other "dads" did....now that they are 30 and 31 we still have great relationships. But....they still don't know about "me" so terribly frustrating! I don't know how to tell them, but this "Jeanie" is never going back in the bottle!!!

In fair honesty, this is one of my biggest triggers. What I found helps me is understanding that although I did miss out on "girl" things, I had a pretty awesome life even if as a boy. And although I wish I had started sooner, I wouldn't trade the memories I have made.

Quote from: TiffanyT on February 27, 2013, 10:30:17 PM
Hi  Aubrey, I don't know if this matters since I don't know you or anything, but you're the woman I want to be.

I second that Aubrey. 

Aubrey
My story and age is identical!  So we are sisters from here on out! 


I deal with this same pain in a few ways:

1). I traded all though earlier years experiences of being a girl for transitioning after I had children. I love my children so to have them I traded an early transition. Obviously if I transitioned at 12 or 13 I would have never fathered my same children and I wouldn't trade them for anything

2). Some children have horrible childhoods (much worse than our GID) so I was given a healthy boys childhood and adolescence as opposed to the possibily of one as a cis girl but in a poor, neglected or abusive situation

3). I am a person of faith. I truly believe that a TG life like ours is special. We go through this journey of having GID and being TG for a reason and I have faith that when its over I will learn why I was not born in the correct body.  I had something to learn from it.

I hope this helps.  You are so pretty in your avatar, enjoy, be happy and be glad we are transitioning at an age that we can be pretty and have some girl fun.  I am glad my male life was successful in my career so that my female life can spend HIS hard earned money! ;)

Hugs

Kay

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on February 27, 2013, 10:57:51 AM
Hmmm i'm probably at the level of teenager in terms of acting my age.

I sleep with him every night  ;D.... :icon_redface:

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa172%2FDeathguard1337%2FIMG_0193_zps76f47bbe.jpg&hash=7b9aca149c47570ff4860bb4e5574851a13c0cbb)



....don't hate

That is so damn cute, I also have teddy bears but now that I have my dog back they have to stay on a high shelf to remain intact, the other day I was really upset when Poopie destroyed my Klingon teddy bear.
On the bright side he didn't get Borg bear & I have a big furry Labrador shaped teddy who returns the hugs.

As for the feelings about missing out on so much, don't let it eat away at you as virtually every person on this planet feels that they've missed out on something or other in their life, it's all part of being human.

Wow......  Thanks everyone...  Tanya, Tiffany.. thank you for those kind words...  And Hi Michelle...

Yeah, that picture is me.....  I've always looked younger than my age.. even as a guy....  Heck, I remember when I was 1, people would come up to me and say "Wow, you look like you're zero."

Ok, so maybe it's not the best humor.

I tried, very hard to break down and let it out the other night.  I started.... for about 5 minutes.  Then, stopped myself.  Not on purpose.  I'm not sure why I won't let myself grieve on this.  Hard to believe with all this estrogen I can't get a good cry in.

I dyed my hair today.. same color as normal, but it always looks so deep red after it's done for a few days before it starts to fade.  I can't see not having this hair color.  I see this woman in front of me.  I still see the guy too......  I really thought it would be easier by now.  I cancelled the FFS last year, cancelled the name change in the courts.....  And I'm just sitting here not really belonging anywhere on the gender scale.....  and I think that's a bit frustrating too. 

I think about how much gender permeates everything in the world.  How we interact, how people perceive us, our pheromones, our auras.  God created man and woman, and the world around them.  Doesn't get more basic than that.  The basis for the world to exist started as a seperation of gender.  How we perceive life.. our personalities .... being the sum of our experiences.  I didn't experience them as  girl.  I'm not sure I know how to.  Maybe that's the disconnect I feel.  I look like a woman, my hormonal balance is that of a woman..... but I have all these experiences of a man.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe it's not what I lost....... but what I have.  A lifetime of actions and interactions as a male.  A lifetime of habits and reactions as male.  I have around 3 years..... less than that, really, living a female life.  Not even fully, really...  How would a three year old go out into the world?

Ok, I'm rambling now, and getting all philosophical.  My thoughts just started coming out.  It's amazing...  I often talk about our paths... when someone wants to know what it's like, or what's going on.  One of the things I say, is that it's so different for all of us.  Outside of the diagnosis of GID, we have similairities, but such different thoughts, experiences, fears, strengths, etc.  When someone gets a particular type of cancer, someone else who had that type of cancer can tell them exactly what to expect.  What the process is.  What to look out for.  But here?  It's so different.  Even in just the walls that we put up.  Similar stories, thoughts, but different paths.  I think when I see that, I see how important it is to support each other.  I think the experience is that of a collective whole, instead of an individual account.  Ok, I'm done rambling... for real this time.  Anyway, thanks for listening.

You ramble all you want!!   someday it will be our turn and you will be on the helping side :)

and yep, sometimes I have to look twice when I see pics of myself in cute girl mode! if it wasn't for this darn high profile career with customers all over the country I would be out in 3D immediately!! grrrrrrr

Aurbrey, thank you for the post. I too share those deep feelings as you. To feel good when it hurts I exercise and it helps a lot when I feel bad ( I am straight edge now). I walk up and down hills with a 40 pound pack. The feeling is awesome. 

This was one of the 1st things the therapist and I worked on due to it hurting so much and I hated myself for not addressing being me. I had thought about this almost all the days of my life past 7.

The therapist said I addressed who I am when I could. She also pointed to all the good things ( Daughter and Wife ) that I would have missed. She also pointed out 43 to 44 years ago when I was 6-7 there was no support and my family situation would not be good (understatement).

I greived my loss with lots of tears as self hate turned to remorse and then into a new way I look at the past:
I can not change the past. I am open to a new future. I am living as me now and soon now will be part of my past. I will have memories of me in my past.

I still feel down about myself when I read a post from a younger person. I try to help them and that is something good that I can associate with a younger persons post. If they ask would it be better if this or that then I give them a piece of my life and hope they can see for themself and better choose for themself.

I am pretty happy I can face I am Trans and I look to something I can controle about me in the now and future. Kind of cool to be me now, most days. It is just the 99.85% of the rest of the population that needs an enema.

Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on February 27, 2013, 10:49:34 AM
Age is a state of mind. For the most part, I act and think like someone in her early 20's - even my therapist has commented on it. I'm taking steps to go back to the kind of work I wanted to do when I got out of high school. Most of my friends are in their 20's.. I party like there's no tomorrow. I'm squeezing all the fun out of life that I can.

I feel I have to endorse this approach. Naturally, any of us transitioning later in life (even in our 20s) will have some mourning to do for so many of the things Aubrey mentioned. And it seems to me quite common that, at least for a time, we do what we can to go through as many of the experiences we craved that we were "cheated" out of by circumstance. No reason to feel shame for that... it seems like a good way to cope with it, as long as you're reasonably careful for your safety.

The same feelings are part of what has delayed my own path to transition, and all I can say is that it winds up feeling like some form of mummification or paralysis to continue hanging on that way... to a degree that, while I've yet to actively plan for suicide, there have been periods where I was passively wishing death would just come and be done with me, and it translated into other passive moves as well. 

Consider the choices you have before you, and take the ones that seem to offer the most joy (or at least the least long-term discomfort, by which I don't mean allowing others to pressure you to change direction)... just don't follow my example. It doesn't lead anywhere.

Aubrey, I feel similar to you, and I started transitioning at 27. I once wrote almost the exact same thing you did about the little girl finally having her chance, but feeling lost. She isn't totally lost though. She has your 40 years of life experience available to her. Surely she can put that to use. And the stuff she doesn't know? Fake it till you make it.

Age can be just a number. My mom is 52. She looks in her 40s, and she still acts wild and crazy. Once I asked her about why she's was like that (because I was under the impression that she had a wild 20s and 30s), she told me that she was making up for the fun she missed out on in her 20s and 30s. She spent that time raising my 2 brothers and I, and she felt as if now was her time.

I may have missed out on years 0-27, but I'd rather have years 28-death as a woman than no time as a woman. I see transitioning as survivor mode: you make the best of what is available to you now. Could haves unfortunately did not, but fortunately many of those things still can be. There's still time to be the woman you want to be.

---

As a side note: Perhaps this might work as a sort of cathartic exercise, but have you ever considered writing a fictional account of the years you missed? Make up the childhood, adolescence, college years, etc. that you missed and craft it into a story. Give the little girl a past, then start letting her live in the present.

Yes it hits home.

47 years ago I told my parents I was a girl and why wasn't I growing up properly.
If only. But as Northern Jane said, there was nothing to help us. I ws in an Irish Catholic part of Liverpool the only 'son'.  I'm a girl I cried.

Yes we miss out on everything, we weep our tears into pillows and dream and hope and wail and lament. Why was I born this way?

If we are lucky eventually we can or do become us. But every second of our past has been lost. Our tears will never dry.

How to cope? To be honest I don't know. I try to live my new life with optimism and joy and take every second I can.

I cannot let myself fall into the despair of what I've lost, or never had, or had stolen from me. I know that path and for me it is dark.

I have to thank myself for having the courage to be me and to live my life now. I have to be proud of myself and strut the stage I have.

The past has gone and my tears will never bring it back. When I can, I try to help a young person to let loose their shackles and they can become the girl or boy they really are.

They can live the life I never had, and I can bask in that.

For me that helps. Nothing can change my past and the oceans were created to hold my tears.

I will try to live my present and my future as the woman I am, and keep looking forwards.

It is all we have left.

C

To the OP. Thank you for summing up the essence of reality of a life we miss.

This is the same issue which has been eating me up for months. At any given moment, I'm only seconds away from momentary tears if I allow myself to look back with regret. And like you, I've not yet allowed myself to fully let out the loss and hurt over the missing years. So it still sits there, waiting its turn. It's definitely most most regretful and painful aspect of coming to terms with who I am.

I wish you all the best in working this out. As the case will be for me, when it does erupt, it will make waves.

sometimes things get made up you thought you would never have. My two younger sister and I had a little slumber party. It makes me cry thinking about it but they have no idea how they made me feel when they done that for me. It was just last year I was 38 years old. I remember thinking about how I would NEVER HAVE ONE but I did and it will always be one of the greats memory of my life.

I just thought after my earlier comment I should add that I'm not the woman I expected or wanted to be .. I'm still a hell of a woman though.

Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on March 03, 2013, 09:03:56 AM
I just thought after my earlier comment I should add that I'm not the woman I expected or wanted to be .. I'm still a hell of a woman though.

same here. far from who I wish I was.

OP I know that feel...oh god I know that feel,it hurts so bad and feels like a really strong emotional feeling in my stomach that leaves me in pain. I'm only in my 20's and yet i'm experiencing the samething you are. I've been trying to make peace with this for like 2 years now and i'm still in that grieving process, I don't think I can deal with this feeling anymore. I've cried more tears in the last two years then I ever could in a dozen lifetimes, it's like all transitioning has given me is a taste of what it's like to live as female but only a taste, I want the full experience, I want the life I should of had. It just doesn't seem fair we were born like this. 

I have been there also. It was such a painful realization. I kind of feel like this was one reason why dysphoria got worse over time---loss. I was angry that I lost out on the life I truly wanted. Those little experiences that ciswomen take for granted. At times, I feel like a fake or a poser because I lost out on the socialization of being  girl, a young woman, and then a woman.

You are not alone.

Remember, our lives are hallmarked by loss and grief. We have given up so much to stay alive and so much was taken from us. We never had a choice, we never had a chance at a "normal" life. How many of us, as little kids, prayed to God to change us into girls?

It is not a fair life. But this is also why we are some of the strongest people in the world. We defied and fought for those things that would have destroyed others.

It takes awhile to grieve. It's okay to grieve and be angry. To shout at God, the heavens, your pillow. In time, acceptance will come. We are a different people, and some of the acceptance comes from the realization.

My heart goes out to you.

I know exactly how you feel. My sister is a constant reminder of the childhood I never had. Truthfully I'm turning 19 next week and the fact that my family already considers me 19 hurts. I'm much younger than you are so I'm sorry if I sound rude but I feel like an old person.

I've always been that "boy", insecure, scared hiding and worrying. A smile is such an alien thing to me that I find it almost unbearable whenever I see someone else wearing it for real and not as a mask like I do.

I want to be that girl who has friends, who had crushes and actually dated. Who could look in the mirror brush her hair and smile. Who could took take a thousand pictures a day and not feel satisfied. Who could go to one friends house and then another's and another's, knowing guys, going to movies, shopping at the mall. I wish I could have been in the Girl Scouts, looked pretty in whatever I wore.

I could go on writing this fantasy that was never my reality. For some reason I love to torment myself on the saddest words anyone ever said or wrote, "what could have been".

Time never stopped to wait for me. I'm on hormones now, hoping to feel less old because I have a chance. The childhood I never had I can experience through reading writing, it's not impossible books can take you places.

My point is allow yourself to fantasize. Imagine that little girl, make her real because no one else will. If you lose sight of her then find her. She's probably alone and scared and once you reunite it will always be better.

I hope you find her because I lost her recently. Imagination is a hard thing to lose sight of no matter how temporary. The logical mind, our righty, tells us not to dream because dreaming never solves anything. In my opinion we have to dream because if we forget to dream we lose sight of what we hope to accomplish.

I hope you're feeling better. I'm feeling really bad myself but this is a support sight and we need to help a girl in need.

With love, Veronica

I just read,through most of this and can say this..... WOW., it really is almost like I was reading about myself, Thank You OP for this topic, and Thank you to everyone who has replied.
I got to start at 21, which I believe is too be younger than average, but I severly wish I could of opened up my walls that was keeping the little girl inside sooner than I did.
Because of the wall's and inner torment I had as a child during puberty I didnt even go all the way through highschool,heck I didnt even make it to highschool actually, I such a hap-hazard wreck that everything was just a reck, puberty really messed me up bad, I went though mental facilities to juvenile hall,to safe house's and nevr once did I mention how I felt, because I was raised in the bible belt where to think the thoughts I had or feeling I had were wrong,and during those times all I wanted to be was alone and not be around anyone because of the sheer confusion and I had no-idea abouut GID till I got older and found the internet.
I think that maybe it would have been easier if I had of said what was up,I think about what I missed at those ages, I still do think back and wonder what if...  and think about how I wish I could of had a prom with a beutiful dress and it goes on and on and on....
but the truth is this, I transitioned when I was 21, I had to ,I could no-longer live like I was because that girl got to the point of screaming and throwing a tantrum, and if she didnt get out she was going to kill her-self as what she knew she wasn't., Did I mis a lot? maybe, but who really knows its not worth thinking about it even though I cant help it, nor do I think anyone else can, but all I can do at this point is keep moving forward 1 step at a time.
I made a life and have tried to gain that which I didnt have, and I try not to look back past 21 even as it is sometimes really hard. What you have to ask your-self is this how bad does that girl want to be out there, and could you really see yourself happy not letting her out?
to me the answer was this ; I'd rather be homeless living in a ditch begging for food from stranger as a girl, than living comfortably making good money, and having a home/roof over my head as a guy.
I hope that my post can help you the original poster and maybe the other posters like your topic and the post's that are in it has helped me  :)

Some fitting words I just found,


(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi244.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fgg4%2FKR3259%2Fodds%2520n%2520ends%2F371cc915e3802ee238627810318b2861.jpg&hash=4861ebe4f9ba6ef7ec0fd78a3ea1156f44f01c8d)

Hello auburnAubrey,
I hurt so much inside after reading your post.But I don't care about my feelings right now.Just yours.I'm so sorry that this is the way life panned out for you.The timing of it all.I can tell that you are a strong individual and will overcome,even this painful time you will overcome.For right now;right this minute know that my heart joins yours and is shedding tears for you as I type.I truly wish I was there to give you a long hug and let you let it all out with a friend who cares.
Your spirit is strong and I feel your consideration of others in need.That is extremely nice of you.It's not selfish of you ,at all,to dwell on your aching,your pains.It only becomes selfish when people put their selves first all the time.
Take time for yourself and remember that I will be thinking and hoping for You too.
Warmest hugs,love Collette Michelle.

Hi Aubrey, maybe you're not ready to grieve, and maybe you're not meant to. If I grieve over the neutron bomb of a life I have lived I will never stop crying. So I try to look forward. I have so much to grieve over, some of my own doing, some from my family, society and whomever. The truth is, I think that I'm so fortunate to be alive and walking, after breaking 41 bones over different sports, most of them racing motocross, and a drunken bicycle accident in 2010 where I  sustained a 'burst' fracture of my T-12 vertebra, shattering it in nine pieces and leaking spinal fluid. But my crowning achievement was a stupid stunt of trying to be macho at 46 years, 363 days in 2001, jumping off a 70' bridge into the Columbia River with a friend's 17 and 23 year old sons and landing wrong, crushing two vertebrae and fracturing seven ribs. I will go to my grave with a now four time broken back, believing it was a miracle I made it to the surface that day, without floating to the surface face down and dead. I was not a successful male impersonator. I dropped a plank on my knee and broke my kneecap and damaging the tendon, ligaments and severely tearing my cartilage, after seven unsuccessful knee surgeries I found what I thought would take away my transsexual pain and physical agony, opiates. First codeine, then morphine and finally heroin. Addicted to heroin for 13 years I did two terms in California prisons before I found any peace in my life, when I somewhat transitioned in prison. I was a very talented athlete in spite of my knee problems and basketball was my outlet in prison from my gender dysphoria, the racial hatred, and the shame of being in prison with a 153 IQ, surrounded by 983 other human beings on my yard, very few with my education, gifts and the innate advantages of being white in America, but I hated my guts nonetheless. I broke my hand badly playing ball one night and the next day I borrowed a friend's tweezers, telling him I had a sliver. That sliver was being transsexual and I removed it for almost nine months, plucking my eyebrows, shaving my legs and finally finding freedom in prison. I wasn't forced by anything or anyone but gender dysphoria and stress. The bull->-bleeped-<- you hear about rape in prison is exactly that, bull->-bleeped-<-. I'd been bisexual for a long time, but was really becoming attracted to men only and ended up in a relationship with a really sweet, cute, but terribly misguided guy who wanted me to parole with him and transition all the way to SRS. Unfortunately, he was a meth cook and was going straight back to it because the money was so good, but I'd had enough of both drugs and prison and I had to say no. I had no means of continuing my transition with no job, nowhere to live and little hope of either, so I grew back my eyebrows and leg hair and straight back into my self loathing existence of being what I always was, nothing more than a male impersonator. Ironically, I'd almost found peace at 22, when I began to transition in 1977, but being a 'baby boomer' I was taught before anything else in my life, 'what will the neighbors think?' I didn't want to bring shame on my family, but I ended up in prison as a thief and junkie! Now, I'm 58, two days short of living 18 months full time, the happiest time of my life. I can describe events, but I can't really grieve over them. I've lost too much already to grieve anew. I've barely scratched the surface to you today, but maybe grieving is a luxury some of us women can't afford. I love HRT and what it's doing to my body and mind. I'm finally becoming on the outside what I've always, always been in my soul, a female. I think I have it so much better than I ever thought possible on July 13th, 2011, the day after my third suicide attempt. I stopped drinking that day, ordered progynon depot from In House, and vowed to be a woman or die. And someday I'll die, but I'll die as I was born in my heart, female.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Im sorry if i come off blunt but this is sometimes a good thing.Is there some guidebook that i have been missing that tells how we should/could/would be the perfect gender we always knew we were? Maybe im just different and idk if thats good or bad but aside from being male,i am a human being.who said making that transition would make one a better person? We all have those moments were we are disappointed in something,in ourselves or others but i never had this *high hope of being physically fit suddenly with everything i need mentally and emotionally,with a perfect relationship in tow* I am who i wanted to be BECAUSE i can finally be ME.even if thats abit over weight,single,with mental disorders (speaking of myself only) What pushs us to become what we do is confidence in who we are,less confidence in the opinions and words of others and a love for doing the right thing (aka smoking is bad for your health and other things) and that is a process,even as we were born.we didnt just pop out of the womb the way we wanted to be and its the same now.If you give up hope and just stop,what is left? I spent ALL of my life in very bad situations and had a very sucky life,just now transitioning after 36 years so i can understand the feeling of *loss* but for me,it IS like living again and i have the chance to either make it right or repeat it all over again and i refuse to relive my past life with the new chance i have.I have learned ALOT from my past,the kind of people that need to remain at a distance,i am more wise now in every aspect.you are MORE then you wanted to be,think about it.I too know the feeling of having opportunity's taken from me but now,i have more then before and i am finally happy on top of it.Yes i am a strong believer in *what doesnt kill us,makes us stronger* and another saying i like goes this way *a sword is tempered and beaten,sharpened into what it will become.a weapon of fast pace,defence and life but the process is painful and hot* i have lost 2 children,tried to commit suicide many times,OD'ed once and almost did die,mental breaks downs that led to rage,been raped,abused,addiction to many things,and so many other things.my life has NEVER been a happy one and even a curse in my eyes until i did finally transition (for me) it was like i was finally who i was supposed to be and the world around me finally came into tune.

I look back at my developing years as a male not with distress, but just as a different experience.  If I hadn't been born male, I wouldn't have ever gotten together with my boyfriend of three years. I wouldn't have the same friends, the same experiences... And that more frightens me than anything.  I guess I would have to go full time in order to Feel differently?

I just read this thread, first time trying hurt too much, as I've been going through the same things in my mind. It does feel like I've killed myself emotionally, by waiting for 15 years. This is what the therapist also asked during first visit. I could have experienced a lot of stuff during those 15 years.

Aubrey, I dont know if it's any consolation, but I read sometime ago from a magazine that womens best years in life are from 35 to 70 year old. I've been thinking that a lot and I want to believe in to that quote.

I wish a transition could send me back to being 14 and restart this whole thing called life again, but I can't. What I do know is that the longer I wait, the more I wish I would have done it sooner. I'm about 5 years younger than you and haven't really started yet and I also get stuck on the idea that I'm going to be starting as this middle-aged woman and never getting the younger years, but ya know what? I'd rather start now than to never give it a shot. I have a lot of regrets in my life and not starting sooner on this is the one regret in my life that keeps building up over the years instead of just being a momentary thing. Just once I'd like to be able to say, "I did that", and not have to wonder about the what ifs.

PROGRESS OF AN ARTIST OF SOME AGE

I am a work in progress.
I am the DaVinci of my own artform,
ever painting self-portraits
my soul to express.
It isn't the freshness of the paint
or the quality of the canvas that
  makes the mastery.
It is the discipline of practice
mixed with the light of experience
that makes the masterpiece,
not the raw power and genius of youth.
That's why the Mona Lisa hangs in the Louvre,
while the teenage sketches of a young Leonardo
are lost to time.
She would have been a different woman
staring back at us,
with none of the etheric beauty
of an androgyne soul finally at peace
with her femininity.
There is no going back.
Nor should there be.
The temptation to start over again and again
is the bane of any artist.
That is an itch I will not scratch
until this work is the best I can make it today.
Tomorrow I will be a new woman, with a new little girl inside.
Our best work is still ahead of us,
in these aged hands and timeless heart.
Tomorrow's canvas will paint itself.
So let me capture this light, this spirit, this day.
And carry no regret
for the passing of the light of yesterdays.
-MadelineB
March 6, 2013

Thanks everyone.  Very touching words and experiences.  I think one of the most painful memories, was that at around 12 or 13, I asked my parents to take me to therapy.  But I didn't want them in the room with me.  My mom spoke to the therapist and said she knew something was really bothering me, but didn't know what.  My mom... you all know what Hummels are?  Little figurines?  She had one that was a clown, with a tear coming down its face.  She bought that (and told me just a few years ago) because it reminded her of me.  Someone who laughs on the outside, but hurt so bad inside.

Anyway, it was tough for me to open up to my therapist.  I wanted to tell her that I was a girl.  This was around 1981.  There was no internet.  I was raised in an upper middle class area... I had no idea that there was anyone else like me.  I felt ashamed, and felt like something was wrong with me.  So, you know what I did?  I spent two years with that therapist, and never told her a single thing about my gender.  My mom told me last year, that when I decided to stop going, the therapist told her, "He's got something burried, but he doesn't want to talk about it.  Keep an eye on it.  It may be the usual kids angst, or something deeper."  She knew, but I wouldn't tell her.  I was so ashamed.  Of course, I wonder, what would have happened if I said something at 12 years old.  Before puberty kicked in.  I had the chance.  I did nothing with it.

So, on top of all of this, I do feel it's my own fault I am where I am.  I couldn't say a frickin word.

And I'm not sure for me, that it's better late than never.  I feel I had my opportunity, and lost it.  I've come to this point, yet I"m still not fulfilled.

I went through the whole thing yesterday with my therapist... I so wanted someone to tell me what I was.  I wanted someone to sit down, and confirm what I already knew.  I think even now, I still want someone to tell me what the heck to do about all this.

It's amazing that it's taken nearly 3 years of therapy to get to these thoughts and memories.  I built some pretty darn good walls!

And no, still haven't cried about it yet.  Work in progress I guess.  I'm just so scared of stopping all of this, only for those feelings to overwhelm me again as they always have, and realize that I again screwed myself.  But I'm telling you, as I am right now, I just don't feel like I belong to either gender... or anywhere on the gender scale.

I just want to run and hide.  Been a long time since I've felt that way, but I really do.

If it's any consolation, I did the exact same thing with the therapist that I was going to see as a teenager. And pretty much the whole time, even though Mom knew that there was something deeper going on that I wasn't saying anything about, and my gender dysphoria was completely consuming my life at that point, I also never said a single word about it in the three years that I was going there.

And hell, mine was even worse, because my mom actually read my journal at one point, and even confronted me about it, saying "look, if you want to be a female," and talked with the therapist about it, and I STILL wouldn't admit it, explaining it away with excuses. So, yeah, I must say, I too feel really bad about not saying anything about it while I was going to a therapist in high school. It just never seemed to occur to my young terrified head that they actually wanted to help me, and could have if I had just admitted it.

I don't look back in regret over not being female. yeah, I guess it kind of sucks, but I got to be a boy too. how many people can say they've had both? I didn't lose experience, I simply had a different one.

Quote from: auburnAubrey on March 07, 2013, 01:23:11 PM
Thanks everyone.  Very touching words and experiences.  I think one of the most painful memories, was that at around 12 or 13, I asked my parents to take me to therapy.  But I didn't want them in the room with me.  My mom spoke to the therapist and said she knew something was really bothering me, but didn't know what.  My mom... you all know what Hummels are?  Little figurines?  She had one that was a clown, with a tear coming down its face.  She bought that (and told me just a few years ago) because it reminded her of me.  Someone who laughs on the outside, but hurt so bad inside.

Anyway, it was tough for me to open up to my therapist.  I wanted to tell her that I was a girl.  This was around 1981.  There was no internet.  I was raised in an upper middle class area... I had no idea that there was anyone else like me.  I felt ashamed, and felt like something was wrong with me.  So, you know what I did?  I spent two years with that therapist, and never told her a single thing about my gender.  My mom told me last year, that when I decided to stop going, the therapist told her, "He's got something burried, but he doesn't want to talk about it.  Keep an eye on it.  It may be the usual kids angst, or something deeper."  She knew, but I wouldn't tell her.  I was so ashamed.  Of course, I wonder, what would have happened if I said something at 12 years old.  Before puberty kicked in.  I had the chance.  I did nothing with it.

So, on top of all of this, I do feel it's my own fault I am where I am.  I couldn't say a frickin word.

And I'm not sure for me, that it's better late than never.  I feel I had my opportunity, and lost it.  I've come to this point, yet I"m still not fulfilled.

I went through the whole thing yesterday with my therapist... I so wanted someone to tell me what I was.  I wanted someone to sit down, and confirm what I already knew.  I think even now, I still want someone to tell me what the heck to do about all this.

It's amazing that it's taken nearly 3 years of therapy to get to these thoughts and memories.  I built some pretty darn good walls!

And no, still haven't cried about it yet.  Work in progress I guess.  I'm just so scared of stopping all of this, only for those feelings to overwhelm me again as they always have, and realize that I again screwed myself.  But I'm telling you, as I am right now, I just don't feel like I belong to either gender... or anywhere on the gender scale.

I just want to run and hide.  Been a long time since I've felt that way, but I really do.

You know sweetie, sometimes longing is so much more beautiful than having. These women who have the experiences you missed out on can never 'feel' them the way you do. They have no idea what they have. But you do. Most women will never realize how beautiful the experience is because they know nothing else. But you do.

Quote from: auburnAubrey on March 07, 2013, 01:23:11 PM
Thanks everyone.  Very touching words and experiences.  I think one of the most painful memories, was that at around 12 or 13, I asked my parents to take me to therapy.  But I didn't want them in the room with me.  My mom spoke to the therapist and said she knew something was really bothering me, but didn't know what.  My mom... you all know what Hummels are?  Little figurines?  She had one that was a clown, with a tear coming down its face.  She bought that (and told me just a few years ago) because it reminded her of me.  Someone who laughs on the outside, but hurt so bad inside.

Anyway, it was tough for me to open up to my therapist.  I wanted to tell her that I was a girl.  This was around 1981.  There was no internet.  I was raised in an upper middle class area... I had no idea that there was anyone else like me.  I felt ashamed, and felt like something was wrong with me.  So, you know what I did?  I spent two years with that therapist, and never told her a single thing about my gender.  My mom told me last year, that when I decided to stop going, the therapist told her, "He's got something burried, but he doesn't want to talk about it.  Keep an eye on it.  It may be the usual kids angst, or something deeper."  She knew, but I wouldn't tell her.  I was so ashamed.  Of course, I wonder, what would have happened if I said something at 12 years old.  Before puberty kicked in.  I had the chance.  I did nothing with it.

So, on top of all of this, I do feel it's my own fault I am where I am.  I couldn't say a frickin word.

And I'm not sure for me, that it's better late than never.  I feel I had my opportunity, and lost it.  I've come to this point, yet I"m still not fulfilled.

I went through the whole thing yesterday with my therapist... I so wanted someone to tell me what I was.  I wanted someone to sit down, and confirm what I already knew.  I think even now, I still want someone to tell me what the heck to do about all this.

It's amazing that it's taken nearly 3 years of therapy to get to these thoughts and memories.  I built some pretty darn good walls!

And no, still haven't cried about it yet.  Work in progress I guess.  I'm just so scared of stopping all of this, only for those feelings to overwhelm me again as they always have, and realize that I again screwed myself.  But I'm telling you, as I am right now, I just don't feel like I belong to either gender... or anywhere on the gender scale.

I just want to run and hide.  Been a long time since I've felt that way, but I really do.

So many of these words I can relate to,
when I didnt have the net there for me to research, no one to relate,  I felt ashamed for having the thoughts, so I never told anyone even when a therapist back then asked me if I wish I were a girl, or if I felt like I was a girl. I lied. because back then I thought if I told them yes, I would have been locked up for sure as surely that wasnt normal, and they may have thought I was nuts.
I almost want to cry right now reading all this again, as it hits me so hard to how much I can relate, if you were here I would offer you a hug if you wanted one, this road we journey is necer easy and I wish I didnt have to experience it, I know what people say that being in both gives a unique perspective, but I dont care about that, I would give it all up to have not had to been like this.
So by reading your words I feel like I get it, oh so much, but we cant change that or our situation's all we can do is keep walking forward one step at a time, and like I said before you have to ask yourself the question, what is hapiness worth?
I want to say so much morre but I have to get  up in 4 hours so I leave you with my thoughts for what they are and remember you are not alone.....

.

Amazing how our self preservation systems are so similar! Our situations seem to mirror others like ourselves...we out foxed the professionals to save ourselves, I always thought I was all alone back when I was ten years old, I knew without question who I was, but also at such a young age I was smart enough to realize the path of least resistance was to just pretend to be the boy my parents, teachers and friends wanted to see.

  I guess I raised enough concerns that my parents set up an appointment for a therapist to talk with me, with all the lack of knowledge they had in the mid 60's all the guy could do was ask what would make me happy....so I just said what any "boy" that age would say "I want a minibike" doc sez "he is perfectly normal" yea right!!

I do get a "retroactive" comfort knowing I wasnt alone back then and it wasn't just me with these feelings.

  I just want to hug each and every one of my sisters here in sympathy and understanding....we are all extraordinary people!

A very interesting thread with many interesting posts.

I grew up before the age of the internet and like many others grew up thinking I was abnormal.  I remember wondering at 11 in 1977, what the term for 'what I was' was called.  I thought it might have been 'gay'.  Did most 'boys' like me imagine their future as a wife and mother, or picture their wedding with their father walking them down the isle in a beautiful dress?  Did other boys dream about fashions and when no one was looking pretend to be a fashion model strutting down the catwalk etc etc?  I didn't think so.  The only literature I could find was in an old encyclopedia which mention cross dressers and a cure which involved electric shock treatment.   So naturally I buried my feelings deep. 

I was very jealous of my sisters.  They were growing up exactly how I wanted to and had seen my future when I was younger and this really hurt by my late teens and I have to say I took some of this jealousy out on them. 

But moving on and getting to my main point.  After I had gone through transition I started living live to the full at age 29.  I had friends and we went out night clubbing, to dinners, had sleep overs, went away on weekends with the girls.  I felt like I was finally making up for lost time.  This went on for quite a few years until we tired of nightclubs and just preferred the quite life.  Looking back I had a great time and we have heaps of photos of us having fun back then. 

The thing is you may grieve for that time, and there is nothing wrong with that.  But look ahead to the future and make the best you can of it. You are never too old to do that.  I did and am so glad that I had the chance :)

Quote from: auburnAubrey on February 27, 2013, 02:50:56 PM
Best question of the day...

And thanks for all the responses.  It's weird, because I already know the answers.  And no, I haven't mourned... which is what my therapist is trying to get me to do.  I use my spiritual mind now to say all the things everyone else in here said.  Live now.  Can't change the past, etc and so on.  But as my therapist says, that doesn't help me process the pain that is inside.  The little girl doesn't want to hear that..... she wants to scream that it's not fair.. she wants to throw a temper tantrum.  And I just won't let myself do that.  I know I have to....... just let it go.  And I don't know why I can't.  Like I don't want to hear the words coming out of my mouth or something.  And I know its crazy...... I know I have to let it go.  Mourn, then let it go and continue.  But I guess if I won't let myself mourn.... won't let myself hurt... won't let myself cry over it, those feelings will stay inside.

Guess I got used to keeping everything inside better than I thought I did.  Now I have to trust myself to let it out.  And then, yeah, work on the "Is there a 43 year old woman that I want to be...."

Feel kind of silly even talking about it.  It's pretty obvious.  Just wasn't expecting it to hurt so bad seeing that thought process.......

There is nothing silly about it at all.  My girl inside screams every single day.

well, I even cannot get HRT since I do not get the letter yet...

Aubrey...hugs!! I am so sorry to see you going through this! As others have said, we are all going to contend with this exact issue, but we will all do it differently. In therapy recently, I spoke briefly about having to find myself again because I feel like I lost my real self having to hide the female side of me, the REAL me from the world.

I am in the process of trying to remember the happier parts of my childhood, still feeling younger just like you, and realizing that I have lost some of those growing up girl experiences, but reminding myself that my body may have been wrong but I was always the real me inside. I am in the process of recovering the happier memories of life and re-discovering the things I have always loved that make me who I am.

Girl, it's hard! Luckily, I am starting to be able to cry with my therapist during the most emotional topics that hit me hard. She makes me feel safe, she makes me feel human, valuable, worthwhile, accepted, and whole She does what a therapist is supposed to do. That includes challenging my thinking when needed so she can help me sort it all out.

So much happens in transition, and I am also finding that it is more complicated than it all looks. I want it so bad, want it all to just be completed like it should have been at birth, but, I know when I am done with transition and start building my new life as the TRUE me, it will all be worth it.

Thank you, Aubrey, for everything you shared! You really said things I wish I could express so clearly! I'm always here for you or other women here! 

   

Thanks to the OP for this post, I kinda really feel the same way.
Me beeing only 20 years old and still kinda gratefull that I m starting young but the feelings are somehow very similiar. I m grieving for the years I ve missed during highschool and that I had to go through this horrible male puberty. It s probably the same for everyone, I think you ll probably always wonder what could have been and what you ve missed in your life.
I talked with my therapist about this too in my last session, that I can't somehow forgive myself for not starting at 14. So probably it s really just best to shed your tears about it and then get on with it, atleast you ve got many years in your right gender ahead of you :)
Hugs
Chrissie

Quote from: cheetaking243 on March 07, 2013, 01:34:32 PM


And hell, mine was even worse, because my mom actually read my journal at one point, and even confronted me about it, saying "look, if you want to be a female," and talked with the therapist about it, and I STILL wouldn't admit it, explaining it away with excuses.

My mom caught me in my sisters clothes when I was around 14...  I still remember the fear I felt, and did the same thing... explained it away.  I wonder if I wanted to get caught... because normally, I would be so meticulous about everything... even putting jewlery back exactly the same way it was.. if there was a bend in a necklace, that bend would be perfect when I laid it back down.  I still don't know why I got caught...  But yeah, call it another chance.  Then a few years later, my mom found a wig and some other items in my closet... and never said a word about it.  She told me years later...... and of course, I was mad as hell... why couldn't she know?  She probably did, but also had no education about it to know how to confront me....  But that never helps when I wanted so desperately to have someone tell me what I wanted....  Why didn't she put it all together?  Why oh why oh why??  Or, why the heck couldn't I just say, "Mom, I want to be a girl".  So weird to look back on it..... so many chances....

I watched the latest Star Trek movie yesterday... the JJ Abrams one... (again).. but there was a line about spock that really hit home...  Spock, for those who dont' know, is half human, half Vulcan... anyway, when confronting the emotions within him at the death of his mother, (Vulcans don't show emotion)... he admits to his dad how angry he is and how he wants to kill who killed his mother... then, his father says "It's ok... you'll always be a child of two worlds..."

Wow.  I found so much peace with that idea... being a child of two worlds.  Only mine are male and female.  For some reason, I felt balanced again.

It's amazing how much we all go through such similar feelings and emotions...  And again, thanks for all the kind words, the sharing of your own personal (and painful) experiences and thoughts, and just being there.  Over the last week, I've calmed down a bit...  I think just getting it out was a big step.  Something I didn't want to admit... or have it be real.... but I so needed to curse at those moments!!

I still don't know what my future holds, but I know I'll be ok, whatever the outcome........  or, that's just the Vulcan quote talking.... lol

QuoteI found so much peace with that idea... being a child of two worlds

Those few words say SO much!  that really does help rationalize things a bit better

Thank you for the original post.

It moved me to tears.