Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Okay, so this is going to be another super long post, but this one is extremely close to my personal life and is important to me and I really need some help/advice/feedback/encourage/anything. Thank you guys for taking the time to read this and to help me figure this out, it means SOOOO much to me honestly and I'm glad to have family here, which I have lacked over the years. Love you all!

So let me give a little background information so the references make sense to this post.

-I am adopted, and I've never been very close to my family due to the feeling of being neglected and the lack of effort they have exuded since I left to go to college(in my opinion).

-It was especially prevalent during my relationship with my ex; my ex even acknowledged my feelings on my family and she agreed with them and thought it was weird and she actually went as far to making some theories about it(Not relevant though).

-During my first 2 years of college, I was with my ex and I actually went "home" with her during school breaks, and even formed a good relationship with her family and her family did accept me as one of their own "mostly" at that time.

-One example of my feelings would be my ex is constantly harassed by her parents(specifically her mother) while we are away at school, and it's very surprising if she doesn't hear from her in a couple days. My parents almost never contact me, and the huge majority of the time, I am actually the one to initiate contact via texting or IM on facebook.

-My "parents" have financially struggled at times and I'm totally understandable of that and I'm not going to ask for much, but when I know you are constantly buying your biological children stuff and you don't even send me anything for Christmas, I do notice. For me, it really would be the thought that counts, I don't need them to buy me anything, trust me. They will say on facebook on a post or elsewhere, "you are always welcome home", but you don't try to help pay for air fair or anything, nor do you put much effort to have me come home now that I'm not in that serious relationship.

-A big one for me is the fact that they have NEVER came and visited me. My mother has PCOS(The syndrome) and she is part of a forum where she made pretty good friends who live on the east coast. I know of at LEAST 3 different occasions since I came to college where she went and visited them for an extended period(like a week "ish").

-Here is where it gets even more frustrating in my opinion- As well as my relationship breaking apart, my identity issues(At the beginning, but I was "out" already), I developed some health issues. My left lung had collapsed partially in September and I had to have minor surgery for that occasion. A few months went by I felt the same symptoms as before but it was clearly worse this time(pain and discomfort/breathing), since it is a collapsed lung. I needed to have MAJOR surgery and I had to be asleep for the surgery as well as I would have to stay at the hospital for a week afterwards. I obviously was trying my butt off to keep contact with my parents and develop that relationship and so I kept them informed of my situation and that I needed surgery + I had the surgeon talk to them, but my parents said it wasn't in the funds financially for either of them to come down. I was pretty annoyed at that point, but I was like fine, but I better not hear about some trip or something. The surgery was "successful"(not really in the end) and I eventually went home. 3 weeks later.......my left lung collapses AGAIN and I go to the hospital. This time I have to have more a more INVASIVE surgery that is also major but it isn't for a few days, and in the mean time they did a minor surgery and had me in a hospital bed. My mother had a trip planned already to go see one of her friends on the east coast, and ultimately she decided to not cancel that plane ticket and visit me LIKE A NORMAL PARENT WOULD. If I had a child and they were having an invasive and major surgery, I would be flying down there asap unless something urgent was needed at home but even still, but she still went to see her friend. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, YOU'VE GOT TO BE ->-bleeped-<-ING KIDDING ME! Okay, you probably get it, I'm mad, I'm annoyed, I'm pissed off.

-To add more salt to injury, I've approached them about my feelings of neglect and whatnot and they argue with me, saying I'm the one who doesn't do enough to talk to them and they do SOOO much for me. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate them taking me in when I was 14 and raising me until I was 18, but besides that act, in my opinion, they haven't done ->-bleeped-<- for me as a parent.

Most recently, there was an issue that occurred between my uncle and I. He has always been there for me, and he was ultimately the connection of my adoptive parents and I( I knew him before I was adopted, but he isn't actually my uncle) and he helped me set up a bank account. I have 2 bank accounts with same back that are linked to different cards that look the same, just different information. I'm usually really good about knowing which card is which, and only one of these cards is linked to my uncle(He can't see transactions made with my other card). I have been recently waiting on my scholarship check and tax return to come in the mail, but they were delayed because of a paperwork mistake on their end and so I was running out of money for groceries and so I figured I would take out $100 bucks out of my account and just pay the overdraft fee in a week when I get my money, but some how I messed up and I used the other card which is still mine, but it is linked to his account so he could see as well. I guess he was also charged a $35 fee as well and I didn't know that he would either, nor did I even mean to use that card and so I felt bad. However they were acting like this was the end of the world, and I was already depressed and dealing with a lot with school and feeling lonely, etcc.... and they are pressuring me and putting me into a deeper despair when I already apologized, explained what happened and said I would pay back my uncle as soon as my funds come in. My mother then and went to facebook and posted something, like she usually does and I find it immature since she is my "parent" and I will quote what she said exactly.

Facebook post:

"REALLY tired of being made out to be the bad people when we have done nothing but provide as much support as we can (emotionally/financially)...it's getting exhausting and at some point it is all going to just stop because we can only take so much..."

Comments:

1) Boooo :(
2) Hun what's wrong?
3) Hang in there I hope everything is ok
4) We are fine  It's someone we love and care about very much who is making some very bad choices. But you can only do so much! Just getting really tired of it...
5) Thanks everyone! Just pray for this person. They know who they are. They do not need to be identified, but they could use the thoughts/prayers. Just praying they make the right decision and get back on the path of becoming a successful adult who does something with their life...

My thoughts on this: So apparently I'm making TERRIBLE decisions with my life and I'm not going anywhere with my life, that's what I got out of her post.

So I decided I would stoop to that level and I made a status, which no one has seen yet because it's 2:30am right now, but here is what I said out of frustration

My post:

I'm not making bad choices, I made one mistake. I'm a full time student, I work at a great apartment complex and receive free rent; I'm active in clubs and I volunteer. I'm going to do everything I can to make up for that mistake, but I'm not going to let it control me. I had a devastating year where I was plagued with loss, health issues and identity issues, but all of these outcomes are leading to positive outcomes. I know who I am now and I'm afraid to be "me" anymore. I'm a good person and I don't need a stamp of approval, nor do I want one at all. I'm tired of being the person that initiates contact and makes conversation. Maybe it's selfish of me to want that reciprocity, but I'm far from selfish as an individual. I have my flaws, but I used to have more and I'm always trying to improve on these imperfections. I am a loyal friend and a good person. I'd rather speak up and be afraid than to be quiet and afraid.

=/

Thank you guys again for listening and please feel free to offer any and all feedback because this is something that has stumped me and I've never known how to deal with it exactly and it is a sensitive subject which I do struggle to talk about, but I'm finding the strength to talk about it on here because I've met a lot of amazing people on here and I value all of your opinions. 

Hugs,

You are in pain and are hurt. I will be thinking or you today and hope things work out for you.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Hang in there though.

This actually struck a chord for me, although I think your situation sounds quite a bit more severe.

My mum died when I was a freshman in college. We were very close. My father and I had an ok relationship, but he was always busy with work and things while I was growing up so it was much more distant. Well, after my mother died, that distance increased exponentially. He got remarried and started a new life. I NEVER hear from my father unless I initiate the contact, and even then, he more often fails to return calls/emails than he returns them.

My husband is off on a special job assignment for a couple years while I go back to school, so I live alone. Nearly a year ago I was going through a really rough time and getting pretty suicidal, so I initiated a 'plea for help' to my family...asked them if they could check up on me occasionally. My dad was shocked, claimed he figured no news was good news so I must be fine, and promised to 'be more in touch' which he quantified as 'regularly checking his email.' Well that flopped after about two weeks, and he stopped responding to emails/calls as usual.

My husbands parents call him weekly just to 'see how he's doing.' I know people who talk every day with theirs. It really hurts to feel like you are so unimportant to your parents that they can't even bother to talk to you, let alone visit.

So I feel where you're coming from...gosh though that passive aggressiveness on facebook is really bad :( How incredibly frustrating.

I wish I could offer help but I'm trying to navigate this myself. The only thing I can say is that you need to find a support system. If your parents arent going to fill the role, you need to find others. Do you have siblings and are you close to them at all? How about friends? People are hard to change, and even if your parents become more supportive it isn't going to be an overnight thing. So do yourself a favor and actively seek out some other beneficial relationships.

Btw feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk or get something off your chest.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on March 03, 2013, 07:42:14 AM
Hugs,
You are in pain and are hurt. I will be thinking or you today and hope things work out for you.

Thank you, that means a lot, I appreciate it!

Quote from: ford on March 03, 2013, 09:09:58 AM
I am so sorry you are going through this. Hang in there though.

This actually struck a chord for me, although I think your situation sounds quite a bit more severe.

My mum died when I was a freshman in college. We were very close. My father and I had an ok relationship, but he was always busy with work and things while I was growing up so it was much more distant. Well, after my mother died, that distance increased exponentially. He got remarried and started a new life. I NEVER hear from my father unless I initiate the contact, and even then, he more often fails to return calls/emails than he returns them.

My husband is off on a special job assignment for a couple years while I go back to school, so I live alone. Nearly a year ago I was going through a really rough time and getting pretty suicidal, so I initiated a 'plea for help' to my family...asked them if they could check up on me occasionally. My dad was shocked, claimed he figured no news was good news so I must be fine, and promised to 'be more in touch' which he quantified as 'regularly checking his email.' Well that flopped after about two weeks, and he stopped responding to emails/calls as usual.

My husbands parents call him weekly just to 'see how he's doing.' I know people who talk every day with theirs. It really hurts to feel like you are so unimportant to your parents that they can't even bother to talk to you, let alone visit.

So I feel where you're coming from...gosh though that passive aggressiveness on facebook is really bad :( How incredibly frustrating.

I wish I could offer help but I'm trying to navigate this myself. The only thing I can say is that you need to find a support system. If your parents arent going to fill the role, you need to find others. Do you have siblings and are you close to them at all? How about friends? People are hard to change, and even if your parents become more supportive it isn't going to be an overnight thing. So do yourself a favor and actively seek out some other beneficial relationships.

Btw feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk or get something off your chest.

Hi Ford,

Well it's not your fault, we all get pushed into difficult situations sometimes and usually we can figure it out, but this one really has me stumped. I'm really sorry to hear about your mom, I'm really sorry :'( That's too bad that your father is so busy all the time, you seem like a really kind and good person, he would be lucky to have you in his life.

Well, I hope your husband comes home soon, it's got to be hard to have found the love of your life and to be separated like that =/ That sounds pretty similar to what my parents would say honestly, but who knows exactly.

Yeah, but I didn't really say anything bad per say on facebook, I just addressed what she said and made my point which wasn't an attack or anything, I was just defending myself and calling it like it is, at least that's how I see it.

Well I hope we both get through it fairly unscathed and we each can find a strong support system to help. I definitely feel welcome on here and it is helping a lot I think and everyone is so caring and insightful.

Definitely, I would love to pm sometime! I really appreciate you taking the time and effort to respond, I hope you have a great rest of your day!

Emma

I'm sorry what your family is putting you through it's horrible your mom would take her problems with you and put them on face book. Don't beat yourself up for using the wrong card mistakes happen I know I made plenty when I was your age and still do. I'm surprised at the amount of courage you have! Most people could not handle the obstacles you've endured in life and still be able to hold a job go to school and deal with health and with gender issues as well. I'm impressed! While it may seem bad now it will get better. Oh and I want mention I love how you stood up for yourself with your moms post that was awesome!

Quote from: Heather on March 03, 2013, 09:32:41 AM
I'm sorry what your family is putting you through it's horrible your mom would take her problems with you and put them on face book. Don't beat yourself up for using the wrong card mistakes happen I know I made plenty when I was your age and still do. I'm surprised at the amount of courage you have! Most people could not handle the obstacles you've endured in life and still be able to hold a job go to school and deal with health and with gender issues as well. I'm impressed! While it may seem bad now it will get better. Oh and I want mention I love how you stood up for yourself with your moms post that was awesome!

Thanks Heather, it's a difficult situation and usually I try to handle these sort of issues on my own, but I just couldn't do it alone. And thank you, you impress me too with your honestly and courageous attitude! :) I sure hope it gets better soon, I'm just not sure what is going to happen next and honestly, I bet she is pretty surprised that I responded, but I didn't say anything offensive or rude; I just called it like it was.

Hugs! :)
Sorry to hear that you are going through a really tough patch Emma.
I am thinking of you!

im sorry your having so many issues with them. just remember over the next 5-10 years you will meet people who will really be your family and be there for you no matter what. you dont owe them anything. if they truly feel that way then stop contacting them and when you get other people in your life that care about you so much and you run into them one day maybe they will understand that they should have been there for you like they were with the other kids.

Quote from: Tristan on March 03, 2013, 10:27:46 AM
im sorry your having so many issues with them. just remember over the next 5-10 years you will meet people who will really be your family and be there for you no matter what. you dont owe them anything. if they truly feel that way then stop contacting them and when you get other people in your life that care about you so much and you run into them one day maybe they will understand that they should have been there for you like they were with the other kids.

Yeah, my hope is one day whenever I meet that special someone, I can create a new family and build that with that person but until then I'm fairly alone. I know I don't owe them anything, but they certainly think I do for some reason. Maybe one day they will realize that, but I honestly don't see it, they somehow think I'm at fault in all but whatever. Thanks girl, it means a lot!

your welcome. people can be so stupid. most of my blood is like that too in a way. the family i mostly have now most are not blood but we all would do anything for each other. you will get that too

Quote from: Tristan on March 03, 2013, 10:45:40 AM
your welcome. people can be so stupid. most of my blood is like that too in a way. the family i mostly have now most are not blood but we all would do anything for each other. you will get that too

Well this is my adoptive family like I mentioned in the post :P As for my blood family, it's even worse lmao

i know girl. same thing. family is family. blood and all that other stuff dont make them family. if they were really family they wouldnt be so quict to turn there back on you like that with the facebook and stuff

Quote from: Tristan on March 03, 2013, 10:52:26 AM
i know girl. same thing. family is family. blood and all that other stuff dont make them family. if they were really family they wouldnt be so quict to turn there back on you like that with the facebook and stuff

I've always been a firm believer that blood doesn't make someone family(Sure in the technical sense), but I have quite a few really close friends who I consider family and I know they would be here for me no matter what, and I'm just hoping to add more people to that family. It just sucks not having that traditional family that most people have.

im sorry. i guess with time this too shall pass. if they cant see how great you are then Doom on them..... >:-)

Quote from: Tristan on March 03, 2013, 10:58:06 AM
im sorry. i guess with time this too shall pass. if they cant see how great you are then Doom on them..... >:-)

It doesn't feel like any "family" can see how great I am :'( That's why I want to make my own one day and give my kids everything I didn't.

and you will. dont worry. plenty of people will see you for you. and how beautiful you are.

Quote from: kkut on March 03, 2013, 11:17:17 AM
Emma, I'm really sorry to hear what you're going thru with your family.

And wow, so much for your mother keeping her loved one 'unidentified' on FB.  :laugh:  Your post was very reasonable and well stated.

So, my advice... Make a two column list of important things you want to focus on. Column One heading is "Things I can control", Column Two heading is "Things I can't control". Once you finish, cross out Column Two, you have your list.

I know how frustrating it is for family not to initiate contact. My two older brothers have NEVER contacted me in the past 33 years! The ONLY reason we've visited during that time is because I've made it happen. They haven't even called me once during this time! But I love my brothers very much! They won't stop me from being a great sibling, that I have complete control over.  :)

Even though it was wrong for your mother to post about this on FB, she does mention her strong love for you in the comments. She apparently feels you're wasting your potential (Hmmm... what mother doesn't worry about that!?). Continue to achieve success at school, let her see how your choices are making you happy. That's what most parents want for their children, to be happy.

Thank you I appreciate that!

My response wasn't a comment on her post, it was an entirely different post, but I know she can see it. I'm glad, I wanted to make sure I wasn't coming off as hostile, which I didn't think I was. I tried to make a reasonable and logical post. Well that's a good point, I know there are a lot of elements in this that I have no control over and that does annoy me a lot. I'm sorry to hear your brothers haven't been there for you =/It's impressive that you still contact them after that long of them ignoring you. I find it to be an immature act and it's unacceptable honestly, I would love for her to explain to me how I'm not meeting my potential. I have a ton on my plate, I can't fit anymore on it, nor should I have to.  Thank you again for commenting, it means a lot to me honestly!!

Quote from: Tristan on March 03, 2013, 11:17:37 AM
and you will. dont worry. plenty of people will see you for you. and how beautiful you are.

I sure hope you are right and thank you! :)

Quote from: EmmaS on March 03, 2013, 09:35:54 AM
but I didn't say anything offensive or rude; I just called it like it was.

Thats what made it so awesome! Not many people can do that! :eusa_clap:

Quote from: Heather on March 03, 2013, 12:19:50 PM
Thats what made it so awesome! Not many people can do that! :eusa_clap:

So you agree right? I wasn't offensive or anything I'm hoping, because sometimes when I get emotional I can lose that intellectual side and then bam....word puke and it's not usually pretty lmao

Quote from: EmmaS on March 03, 2013, 12:22:26 PM
So you agree right? I wasn't offensive or anything I'm hoping, because sometimes when I get emotional I can lose that intellectual side and then bam....word puke and it's not usually pretty lmao

I think you stood up for yourself in the best way possible. And you did it in a more adult way than what your mom did.

Wow...I'm sorry you're going through so much at once D; family can be harsh...

The financial situation really gets on my nerves...I understand not having the money, just not being able to do something due to the lack of funds...but seriously, saying that then going off and blowing money on something entirely different after using such an excuse? Disgusting and one thing I hate to see people do. My mom has done it plenty of times.

I'm sorry your family hasn't been there for you like they should be D; blood or not, it doesn't matter, a parent should love their child the same either way and be supportive, especially when you're doing great things and working hard with your life. I find it hard to understand how a parent could blow of their child so easily, especially during severe medical issues...I'm disgusted thinking about it.

The card issue, mistakes happen and you're going to take care of it, they are blowing up something that could be handled calmly and without much issue. What your mom did on facebook was wrong and I'm glad you took initiative and handled things as you did, it wasn't offensive and you defended yourself and called it what it was, that was a very brave and commendable thing to do.

I hope things start getting better and movin forward for you! You've been doin a great job so far, keep it up and keep goin XD

Edit: Btw~ Feel free to PM me anytime you want!

I might just have to go beat up your mom for you at this point... that's just how angry her treatment of you makes me. May all her bacon burn.

Sounds like you need some space from them.

I did and it made my relationship with my parents better. After a period of time of not talking.

Hugs x

-hugs- hang in there girl, youll be able to get through this and i hope everything will get better for you Emma. :)

I'm lost for words on this. I really am. Nobody deserves to be treated that way by anybody, let alone your own family. Unfortunately people generally don't change that drastically. There are people and will be people that care a lot about you, and those are the people that really matter. There just isn't enough time in a day or a lifetime to deal with people like that.  Just don't take their neglect personally. From what I can tell you're a great person and I'm sure things will get better.

(I've never been good at putting what I mean in words so I hope you get what I'm trying to say :P)

I just wanted to lay it all out there and get some other perspectives on the situation and make sure I wasn't overreacting and if I had a genuine reason to be upset and bothered, which you all seem to agree with. I'm not on speaking terms with them currently and it was part of why I was feeling so uh depressed yesterday but I feel better today and I'm not sure what I'm going to do concerning my parents, I suppose just not talk to them anymore.

Unconditional love does not come with a price,or it is no longer Unconditional.I will be very honest with you about what i see and i have dealt with the same thing,the only difference is,i am not in college or any of that sort.My mother is literally the master of manipulation.There are many forms of guilt tripping and my mother knew them all like the back of her hand.I myself refused to contact her because of these things.She was a (only making clear the situation) religious bigot who believed *follow what i do and everything will be fine,dont and i will make your life a living hell* and i was always her main target because-suprise,i didnt follow that.She would try and call me,if i answered, the chat would go something like this
*Why do you always treat me so bad?! you do so many bad things and yet i still love you! i never do anything wrong so i dont understand why you do this to me! your a whore,a drug addict and drunk-*30 minutes later* what?! i never said that! stop putting words into my mouth! you need to get your life straight because your a complete mess!* now thats just over the phone.in person it would go something like this *you need to stop sleeping and get up to clean the house* *--but i only got maybe 6 hours sleep?* *cries* you dont love me then! fine,ill go rott somewhere so you will be happy!!* I dont need some selfish woman reminding ME of how much she has done for me along with all the trash she put me through,should a small moment in my life measure up to all of the poor actions she has shown me? this from the same woman that forced ME to clean up her puke after a night of binge drinking,and at the same told me i was worthless.We all know what is right and wrong,one can say *i love you and have DONE so much for you* as if we owe them something in return and as someone else stated,WE DO NOT owe them nothing.We must pay for your love and attention? no thanks,i would rather live a lonely,decayed life in a dark box.But actions speak louder then words,so for me,saying *i love you* means nothing when you treat me that way.She was the same way also,she would remind me how much of a bad parent i was after taking my kid,then would be so innocent *come back home -so i can run your life- your always welcome* and i told her the last time *i would rather live on the side walk with a tiger tied to my ankle*.Its very hard,its hard to feel alone during so many things in ones life and to know that those same people,use you or treat you like trash but there comes a point for us ALL that we must accept it and either 1) stick around and deal with it for the rest of our lives,even making the problem worse,letting them think they can or 2) refuse to be stepped on and walk away willingly,become our OWN person.it hurts but it makes us 10 times stronger in the end.YOU know what these things mean to you,what they have done to you,what is right and wrong so for YOU,do what you know is right.but no matter what you choose,remain strong and NEVER lose your pride.

Emma I'm glad to hear your better today. A parent should never cut a child off the way they have done with you they should be ashamed of them self's. And they will regret it in the future once they see the extraordinary woman you will become. Don't let this get you down from what I've read you are one tough young woman. You have been through a lot in your young life and have survived don't forget that! :)