Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I plan to tell my wife this weekend that I am a woman. I've had a couple of counselling sessions, and my psychologist has offered some ideas to keep in mind during the dialog.
I value the experience of the members of this group above that of any "counsellor" I know. I would be more interested in learning from all of you who have come out to your wife if you had any advice for me.
Thanks-
-Barb

Hiya Barb,

Does she know anything at all? Do you think she suspects? Or is this coming completely out of the blue for her?

It also depends on what you're going to tell her? Are you going to transition, start hormones, etc.?

~Kate~

Advice?  Yes.  Whatever she says, don't be defensive or confrontational.  She is going to have alot of concerns, so be willing to listen.  Acknowledge that this was not what she signed on for when you got married.  Reaffirm that you are willing to work through her/your issues together.  And be patient.

Of all the various moments that I came out to different people, the best that ever worked for was "I have something to tell you. I am going to live as a woman." It sends a huge wave of shock into most people but it is very upfront and honest and have found that everyone who was told this was much more receptive to the idea. It gives them the chance to ask all the standard WTF questions and you time to answer them. The key is to not spare anything out of fear of hurting the other person's feelings. It will eventually come out anyway so don't hold back. I would also suggest not to simply retell your life story either. Let them ask the question and you give the honest answers.

From my own experience, sparing people's feelings and making it "easy" for them leads to more of a feeling they have been lied to or deceived when the information does come out. You not only have to be honest with the person you are talking to but you have to honest to yourself too. Don't sugarcoat anything at all. If you have certain feelings or thoughts that come into question do not deny them out of pride or to keep the other person content. You will be much better off in the end.

I came out to several people in the ways that i am suggesting not to and it was complete failure of understanding from both sides when all was said and done. Being blunt and honest has had a much more profound level of acceptance and respect that i wasn't expecting at all.

oh, and don't use any photos, either real or online, as "proof" either. that is a big bomb to the senses that most people cannot take. That was another one of those hindsight moments for me.

Quote from: Renae.Lupini on May 24, 2007, 01:41:32 PM
"I have something to tell you. I am going to live as a woman."

Of course, that's assuming that is what you want to tell her.  You may have other plans for your life.  While sugar coating is a bad thing, so is TMI (too much information).  She will only be able to process so much in one chunk.  Tell her she can ask questions now and come back with more anytime.  This is only "THE talk" in the sense of "the FIRST talk."

How much does she know or suspect? I don't think you should drop the entire bomb on her at once. Nor should you stand back and throw fire crackers at her either. There really is no right way to discuss this issue if she knows nothing.


I was fortunate enough to disclose my past before I was married. She knew I took hormones once in a while and I was on hormones when we were dating. She knew I cross dressed and went out occasionally. We just thought I could keep it capped up. Boy we were both wrong. Now I am in full transition mode for both of us. I'm doing this for me, and she said I really needed to do this for her. But then again, she did not go into this knowing nothing.

If your spouse has no clue, does not know a single thing, you may be in for a battle. Ever read "Wrapped in blue"? That is the worst case scenario. Donna Rose's spouse was like the anti-christ for mtf TS.

Perhaps you can elaborate on your condition, your situation, and give us a little more information on your spouse.

Look up Raised by Wolves by Melanie Anne Phillips. She has her entire diary online for all to read. I believe its at http://heartcorps.com/melanie/diary/diary.htm

Quote from: Lisbeth on May 24, 2007, 03:53:25 PM

Quote from: Renae.Lupini on May 24, 2007, 01:41:32 PM
"I have something to tell you. I am going to live as a woman."

While sugar coating is a bad thing, so is TMI (too much information).  She will only be able to process so much in one chunk.  Tell her she can ask questions now and come back with more anytime."

That is why I suggested to not tell your life story and respond to the questions that are asked but do not sugarcoat the answers that are given.

I'll try to respond to all of you:
Kate, I think she has to suspect something. I mean, I've had about 5 hours of electrolysis, which I told her about. She set me up with her stylist to have my hair colored. I've thrown hints that I need to "get in touch with my feminine side," which I agree is sort lame. I've been on hormones for a few months. I just want to tell her that I love her and want to make some changes.
Lisabeth, such good advice. I admit that becoming defensive is really possible. I mean, I want to share this decades old secret with her. If she rejects or riddicules me, that could really hurt. I just have to get your suggestions stuck in my mind so that I don't forget them in the heat of discussion. Also, you're right on when you say that this is "the FIRST talk."
Renae, you and I seem to have a similar means of communicating - straight and to the point. I have a reputation for that type of "straight shooting" at work. Also, I hear what you're saying about trying to keep the other person content by denying things that I know to be true about me.

You are all so gracious! I am in your debt.
-Barb

Barb, I like Renae's idea of just throwing it out there. She's right, rather than going through the "you see, ever since I was a little.." The other person is just going to sit there waiting for a bomb to drop that you are just waiting to drop. Say it, if that's what you intend on saying and then talk. I could see that technique working for more than just a spouse and I think that's what Renae was saying. It's a big step Barb, but you never know, she might not be that surprised if you've been dropping some casual hints. Don't forget, you live with it 24/7, it's always on your mind so it might seem like she would know. Just don't be surprised either way. Honest, open dialogue sweetie :) Meghan

Quote from: MeghanAndrews on May 24, 2007, 09:13:21 PM
The other person is just going to sit there waiting for a bomb to drop that you are just waiting to drop.

Her initial reaction is likely to be fear, whether she shows it or not.  The two biggest fears will likely be, "Are you going to go all the way and have surgery?" and, "Are you going to leave me?"  You probably don't have ready answers to those fears, and, "I don't know," may have to do.  But try to be sensitive to the fact that her reactions may be driven by fear, and so may not be rational.  Above all, be patient.

Quote from: Barbara Ann on May 24, 2007, 04:18:18 PM
I've been on hormones for a few months. I just want to tell her that I love her and want to make some changes...

Ouch, that may NOT go over well. Not telling her you were taking potentially life-threatening drugs which will create drastic changes to your body and sex drive (maybe)... be prepared for some bitterness and resentment and her not trusting you now. She'll start wondering what ELSE you're not telling her, in my experience.

Whatever you do, don't make my mistake: if you suspect you're going to carry this through and transition, she needs to know your feelings. I was an idiot and told my wife "it's just a HRT trial to see, I'll stop in 3 months..." Then it was at 4 months. Then 6. Then... simply because I was terrified of facing the truth that I'd NEVER stop.

She resents me terribly for not just telling her I was transitioning in the beginning. And I don't blame her :(

~Kate~

I am with you on that one Kate. I told my girlfriend at he time that the Spiro was a testosterone blocker to stop hair growth. When she found out what it really is, she was more hurt than if i would have just told her in the beginning. We don't ever intend to hurt the ones we love. We go into self-preservation mode and hide the details what we really want to say to them. Eventually it all comes out in the end though. As long as you open and completely honest with your answers to her questions you will be fine.

There will be an initial WTF shock from her but if she sees that you are not holding back when she asks you a question then she will be more receptive to idea of not being deceived intentionally. It isn't the actions themselves that bother people. It is the hidden deception of the things we do that people eventually find out about anyways.

Quote from: Kate on May 25, 2007, 10:11:17 AM

Quote from: Barbara Ann on May 24, 2007, 04:18:18 PM
I've been on hormones for a few months. I just want to tell her that I love her and want to make some changes...

Ouch, that may NOT go over well. Not telling her you were taking potentially life-threatening drugs which will create drastic changes to your body and sex drive (maybe)... be prepared for some bitterness and resentment and her not trusting you now. She'll start wondering what ELSE you're not telling her, in my experience.

Whatever you do, don't make my mistake: if you suspect you're going to carry this through and transition, she needs to know your feelings. I was an idiot and told my wife "it's just a HRT trial to see, I'll stop in 3 months..." Then it was at 4 months. Then 6. Then... simply because I was terrified of facing the truth that I'd NEVER stop.

She resents me terribly for not just telling her I was transitioning in the beginning. And I don't blame her :(

~Kate~

I know..... :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

The real kick in the @ss is that we can't even come out to people until we come out to ourselves. Until we stop making excuses for our actions in our heads for the things we do we can't be completely honest with others. I know i had a backup story for everything. Depending how a conversation was going I knew just how to word my answers to keep people from freaking out. The only problem was they weren't getting the whole story. sometimes we need to come out to people and completely mess it up to learn from our mistakes. I know I sure did. At any rate, Good luck with wife.

I've been really scared; that's why I didn't tell her about the hormones. Now, I realize that I should have told her. I don't want to lose her. I don't want to leave her. I just hope she will trust me, after all the dust settles over this (if it ever does.) We've been married eleven years; we were best friends for six years before that.
My perverted mind!!
"Honey, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that there's another woman in my life. The good news is that woman is me!"

Quote from: Barbara Ann on May 26, 2007, 10:38:25 AM
I've been really scared; that's why I didn't tell her about the hormones. Now, I realize that I should have told her. I don't want to lose her. I don't want to leave her. I just hope she will trust me, after all the dust settles over this (if it ever does.)

The dust doesn't ever really settle. I would like to think that in a perfect world everyone can move on and live in a land of rainbows and butterflies forever. However, the reality of the situation is that there has been a level of distrust and deception. Though it not entirely done to purposely hurt anyone, it still happened. All you can do is be honest with what has happened, what is happening, and what does happen in the future. There is no "way back machine" so trying to patch something that can't be fixed futile. All that we can do is deal with  today and do our best to make tomorrow a good day too.

I have a way of being unapologetically honest. I do not apologize for who i am for what I have done. If I hadn't had made mistakes I wouldn't have learned from them. Screwing up long enough helped make me who I am today. I won't be sorry about that.

Quote from: Barbara Ann on May 26, 2007, 10:38:25 AM
"Honey, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that there's another woman in my life. The good news is that woman is me!"

Actually? I personally think this would be a great way to break the ice on the subject. It is along the lines of what worked best for me when I came to my family and friends. "I am going to live as woman." was my icebreaker.

I have also found that consoling a SO after breaking the news is not the wisest move either. Anyone else have any input on this?

Renae, you are becoming my hero!! I want you to stand in for me, ok?? ;)
I'll admit that not telling her was wrong and deceptive, because it was. There was a breaking of trust. What I won't apologize for is making physical changes to match my inner self.
I feel like I'm gaining strength from your counsel.
Thanks so much-
-Barb

It gives me a good feeling to know that I am able to make this life a little easier for those going through what i already have. :)

If you have any question, comments or just wanna bitch, contact me at any time. :)

I encourage you to tell her...

Start slow, she'll have lots of questions... many of them she'll likely ask more then once... answer all of them calmly and understandingly...  She might have a lot of assumptions.. She might feel lied to...

My first reaction was that #1- I was lied to #1- Jaycie would leave me for a man... I was terrified... I wasn't -angry- as much as I was -scared- .... It took me a few weeks to really get a hold on it... If you want you can go to my profile and read my first post here, that explained how I was feeling when she first came out to me... But I'm still here... :) We're happy and healthy and I've adjusted...

The other thing I suggest to folks is try some counseling together and alone..

Good luck to you hun :icon_hug:

Yes Barbara Ann you need to tell her.

QuoteI just hope she will trust me, after all the dust settles over this (if it ever does.) We've been married eleven years; we were best friends for six years before that.

You need to be prepared for the worst.
I had been married 35 years when I told my wife that I was transgender and that was over a year and a half ago. She still does not trust me.
Do be honest and as open as you can be and assure her that you love her and want to stay with her.
I will pray for you.
Jillieann

Quote from: Renae Lupini on May 26, 2007, 11:51:02 AM

Quote from: Barbara Ann on May 26, 2007, 10:38:25 AM
"Honey, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that there's another woman in my life. The good news is that woman is me!"

Actually? I personally think this would be a great way to break the ice on the subject. It is along the lines of what worked best for me when I came to my family and friends. "I am going to live as woman." was my icebreaker.

Well, if you want to come across as an insensitive ass-hole, like my brother-in-law, sure, go ahead.

Quote from: Jillieann on May 27, 2007, 08:01:47 AM

QuoteI just hope she will trust me, after all the dust settles over this (if it ever does.) We've been married eleven years; we were best friends for six years before that.

You need to be prepared for the worst.
I had been married 35 years when I told my wife that I was transgender and that was over a year and a half ago. She still does not trust me.

In my case it took her more than five years.  There was a point where if I said the sky was blue, she would have not believed it.

Really? Of all the times that i came out to people, being right to the point has worked the best. there is no gray area as to what is being discussed. It lets the person have the initial "what?!?" moment and gave me the chance the then explain in response to their question. It has been my experience that by trying to spare feelings, the messages get mixed and nothing productive come from the discussion at all.

Could it also be said that by not being completely honest right up front is also being insensitive? It is merely deceiving them into thinking they will be ok with the idea when in fact they don't know the whole truth. To me, that would be insensitive.

Just for the record, my ex-wife (yes, ex) and I are still on speaking terms, my ex-girlfriend no longer talks to me (the whole deception and trust issue ruined this relationship), my aunt and uncle have crossed me off their Christmas list, and everyone else in my life has come to accept me for who I am. Regardless of how we come out and what we say, some people will not be able reconcile the idea of changing genders or the intense sense of mistrust and deception. With the few negative things that have happened I have had hundreds more that were positive. Even the negatives I chalk up as learning experiences so they still serve a purpose.

When it come down to the best way to come out, there is no best way. We can only discuss what we are ready to admit to the rest of the world. As long as you stay true to yourself you will do just fine.

Be totally honest, tell her the basics, don't show photos, and then open yourself for a barrage of questions.

Listen.

It's hard to know how she will react.  You are going to have to do a lot of damage control. My wife, a strict Mormon, could not handle it at all.  It was the most miserable year of my life.  I could not ever have a conversation with her about it.  Part of it was me.  I could not bear to hurt her.  When I did finally want to talk about it, she would hear nothing of it.  Just be prepared for what may come.

Cindi

We had THE talk last night. I started out by reaffirming my love for her, my need for her, my not wanting to lose her. Then I told her I had been taking hormones to become the woman I was inside.
Dear God in heaven, how did I ever deserve such a loving wife!! She asked me about how long I've felt this way. I told her for decades. She looked me in the eye and took my hand and told me that I had waited too long - that she loved me and was with me wherever I went and whatever I did. She said that I had stood by her, and that she would stand by me and continue to love me.
I apologized for breaking trust with her by doing hormones without talking with her. She forgave me. Then she asked questions, and I answered this angel to the best of my knowledge. She was satisfied with the answers. She apologized to me, thinking that something in her demeanor kept me from approaching her sooner. Apologize to me?!
All of you who responded to my original post for advice must share in the sheer happiness I am experiencing. Without your kind advice and you hard-won experience that you graciously shared, this would not have transpired like it did.
I am deeply in debt to all of you.
My highest esteem and love,
-Barb

That's awesome, Barb. Congratulations. She does sound like a wonderful woman.

Dennis

Well, you did it. Now that is over with. :)

There is a a whole new world that the both of you are now a part of. If you ever need some encouragement along the way, just let us know.

Did anyone get her a new toaster? That is the widely known fact, that when we come out we get a new toaster for our efforts. Hopefully you get your toaster, after all you earned it.

Renae, you are like the sister I always wanted!!! Why don't you move to Canton, OH so that we can tear this place up - change some attitudes - get some respect for girls like us? >:D
Toaster? I get a toaster for comming out to my wife? Sweet!!! What do I get when I have my boob job?
Love-
-Barb

I think you are going to do just fine. Stay honest without getting defensive and you will be fine. You are a woman, it is ok to express your feelings in a constructive manner :)

One of the best bumper stickers I have seen says, "Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly."

Your wife (So/husband/partner) is your guardian angel.  She is much more likely to stay with you if you transition slowly enough for her to absorb and process each change.

It might take an extra year or two to get to surgery, but you will likely still have the love of your life waiting for you when you come to in your hospital room.

Robyn

OBTW, how did it go?

So good to hear from you, Robyn. Everything went like my best dream could have imagined it!! I gave a brief description a few posts earlier. After our talk, we fell asleep in each others arms; and today, she has been asking questions which I have been truthfully answering. She is with me all the way. She also wants to go to a support group with me when I find one. I am determined to be sensitive to her ability to digest info.
-Barb

I am so happy for you Barbara Ann. You truly do have a treasure there. I find my wife to be my staunchest ally in my transition. Congratulations on your success.

Hugs,

Rhonda

That's great news, Barb, you're one of the lucky ones.