Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello, i have tried to find a topic that is related to the question i have but havent been able to find one so if i accidently make a duplicate topic please forgive me.
My name is Rottiers Melissa and i am a MTF. Only started on hormones 2 weeks ago so i still have a long way to go. and i still have quite a bunch of unanswered questions. The thing that is bothering me lately is that i feel a bit afraid to go out, or feel uncomfortable when i am going out. Not because of the changes itself but rather the possible results of it. As i am starting to look more and more feminine i have this paranoia that a boy would want to hit on me. As far i can remember i have always been attracted to girls. But with all the changes going on now i have wondered numerous times "could i be attracted to a boy as wel ?". I dont see a problem with the romantic aspect of being with a boy, i can picture myself in the arms of a boy watching a movie or somthing like that, cuddeling and that kind of stuff. But just the idea of a naked boy scares the hell out of me for some reason. every time i think about potential sexual moments with a boy i get in panic mode. But i dont think i would have a problem with being with a boy, its just the sexual part of a relation that "freaks" me out. Eventough the number of boys wich i find attractive is very small, i dont want to say it will never happen. Ive seen a few boys that really made me doubt, and made me think of how it would be to be together with them. the weird thing is that i dreamt about an "adventure" witha boy a few times and i liked it then. But when i wake up and think about it it comes back to the panic feeling again. Thats why i am curious if someone who reads this has or has had a simular situation. or someone in general who also has his/her doubts so i maight be able to learn something. how to deal with it or how to surpress that panic feeling somehow. any feedback is welcome i just need some opinions and some hints if possible.

thaks in advance to whoever is willing to help me out here,

Don't worry about it is about the simplest response I can come up with, second only to follow your heart. Don't get so hung up on the physical sex of a person. That's society telling you what's right and wrong. If you're attracted to someone, male or female, go for it.

Hi Lillymon. My therapist gave me some excellent advice about that. She reminded me that HRT for a trans person, triggers a second puberty with all the emotional, mental, physical, and sexual changes that go along with it. So sit back, enjoy the ride, and give yourself time to "grow up" and to discover all the wonderful things about yourself. I promise you, things will become clearer all on their own. No need to push yourself into panic over thoughts and feelings you arent ready for at this stage in your young womanhood. There will be plenty of time for girls or boys or both when you are ready. It may take a few years to settle down, so no worries! You are quite normal and doing fine.

hey~ i totally agree with MadelineB. you just have to kind of get to know yourself right now. this is all new as now you are truely being you for the first time. i went through the same thing as did every girl before you.  ;)
everything will be alright

first of all thank for both of your answers Madeline and Emily. I might have to be a little more patient, thats true. im still in my children shoes ( dutch expression) transition wise. But its just that i want to know if it would or would not work out with a boy eventually. We all know its more then realistic that whoever that boy might be, he would want to take that particular step in a relationship. Some (a lot) sooner then others but eventually it will be there. And for that i would want to know if i would be ok with it. I dont want to start any relationship knowing it would not work out past that point. i just started HRT and im still pre-op wich makes the feeling very akward when a boy approaches me. But its those moments that make me wonder about what if this happens further down the road. And its very uncomfortable, with a lot of mixed emotions because i cannot answer that question right now. I do want to follow my heart, but i just wanna know where the limit will be. i can fall in love with a boy but how far would my comfort zone reach. it doesnt matter what gender you fall in love with, even if it was a girl there are limits how far you would want to go with certain things. i just wonder if that comfort zone towards boys will expand compared to the point where i am now. Like all ( 3 of you by now ^^) said it will require some time and growing into the real me. I will do that but in the meanwhile that question and the insequrity that comes with it is well... unpleasant :)

Some answers take longer to find than others, especially when you don't have personal experience to draw conclusions from. Just give it time and things will become more clear to you.

Until you find those answers, remember that you don't have do "anything" that you are uncomfortable with. If you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation try to talk to your partner or friend about it, if they are willing to talk. If the person you are with is patient with you and respects your boundaries and choices, they are probably with you for some of the right reasons instead of some of the wrong ones.

You don't have to "rush" for anyone and you certainly don't have to rush for the sake of finding answers.  ;)

After years living as a gay guy, I assumed that I would be a straight girl. Wrongly, as it happens. The idea of being with a guy doesn't freak me out at all, just doesn't do anything for me. However, the idea of being with another woman does freak me out a little, but not so much that I can't do it. It just requires some communication before and during the event.

And, frankly, there's no real reason to rush in to anything of the sort. You'll know when the time is right and who is the right one for you.

Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on March 12, 2013, 12:29:16 AM
After years living as a gay guy, I assumed that I would be a straight girl. Wrongly, as it happens. The idea of being with a guy doesn't freak me out at all, just doesn't do anything for me. However, the idea of being with another woman does freak me out a little, but not so much that I can't do it. It just requires some communication before and during the event.

And, frankly, there's no real reason to rush in to anything of the sort. You'll know when the time is right and who is the right one for you.

Like Kelly, I always saw myself as a future lesbian...(MTF who likes women when I was male = means I'll like women as a female)...errmm...not so much, now. Being with a woman (cis- or post-op MTF) doesn't really do anything for me...but once I get my very own vagina...yeah, I can see myself being in bed with a guy.

so yeah, sometimes things change. And, it's a good thing. So, don't worry about who you'll end up in bed with...just make and keep good boundaries, make good choices, and go with what feels right at the time.

Yeah... I definitely agree with everyone here. HRT really is something that can completely change you, and you have no idea where you'll end up sexually as a result.

I started HRT being attracted to women exclusively, but now 2 months in, suddenly I'm starting to feel somewhere between bisexual and asexual. I just don't find other women to be that attractive anymore. I still stare from time to time, but mainly it's because I'm "studying" them, trying to see what it is that makes them seem feminine in the first place, and it's just not that same gut reaction where their beauty inspires me and makes me want to write poetry and thank them for just being alive because they're so beautiful. Yeah, I don't get that anymore. I can still recognize beauty, but it just doesn't do it for me in the same way that it used to. And at the same time, I am definitely starting to see something in men that I just never saw before. As I'm starting to feel a bit weaker, strength is suddenly becoming attractive to me. I'm still not quite at the level where the attraction would be enough to base a relationship off of, but the feelings are definitely being planted there. So who knows where I'll end up? All I know right now is that my feelings are much different than they were before, and they are still being changed and molded by my new hormones.

So yeah... it's a process. A lot will change, and who knows where you'll end up as a result? Just go with the flow, and let the estrogen do its thing, and you'll know soon enough.

I can not and will not suggest that hormones had anything to do with my apparent change in sexual preference..

What caused my thinking to change? Falling in love with another woman and the realisation that despite many years as a gay guy and 2 long term relationships with men, I never loved a man. Not once, never.. I was always a lesbian. I can name all the partners in my life I have loved and they are all women.

Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on March 12, 2013, 01:09:56 AM
I can not and will not suggest that hormones had anything to do with my apparent change in sexual preference..

What caused my thinking to change? Falling in love with another woman and the realisation that despite many years as a gay guy and 2 long term relationships with men, I never loved a man. Not once, never.. I was always a lesbian. I can name all the partners in my life I have loved and they are all women.

But does being in love equal sexual orientation?

Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on March 12, 2013, 02:28:01 AM
But does being in love equal sexual orientation?

It does for me. One change I will admit seems to be hormone-related for me is that I can not be intimate with someone I'm not emotionally attached to and the connection with men is just not there for me.

I would propose that at least while in the process of questioning, discovery, or transition, that we put aside the concept of sexual orientation (one clear direction, life long) and pick up our internal compasses and do some sexual orienteering instead. My sexuality is all over the map, but I am not lost.
I am here, I am queer, and I'd like to say good bye to fear, and say hello to
... you and you and you and hmmm... hmm! Mmm. Oh? Ah. Yes. Hmmm. Uh? Ah hah! Oh. Mmmmm.

I have a good friend who uses the term "person sexual" which I have somewhat adopted.  There is a person, or maybe a couple, that I will feel comfortable with and trust well enough that they will turn me on, or I will at least feel like being physically intimate with.  As a very recent Post Op, I may be just a little too conscious of what is below the belly button.  Per my doctor, I am healed enough that I could have penetrative sex, I just need someone to supply the non-plastic penetrant for me.  I guess that kind of rules out a female or other post op, but even for one of them, it would still be the matter of comfort and trust to touch my body.  Being Person Sexual is an option that can put your mind at ease.

It's something my spouse and I have talked about and continue to talk about. She's convinced that I'll eventually decide that I'm for boys and that will be that (based on the fact that when Thor showed up without a shirt, I had a visceral reaction). Here's the thing, where I never used to, I now find men attractive in a "I like to look at them, but no touch" way. I still find women attractive in a "I find her beautiful and want to be with her" way. I recognize the difference.

Don't think for a second that this process doesn't change you. How it will change you depends entirely on you.

N.J.

Well first of all thank all of you for your input, your opinions and experiences. What i have noticed so far is that the border between my initial and only attraction for girls and al lthe rest has started to blurr out a lot. gender starts to become a very relative term for me ( the physical form of gender) what i mean by this is that the automatic assumption of " i only like girls" is dissapearing and is making place for a wider group of people i could feel attracted too, so not just girls. at the start of my post i mentioned the nervousity i had about the idea of the male part. well... since that first post a lot has happened in real life with me, things i didnt expect to happen within the first few months or maybe year did actually occur. I met someone, someone who i truly love and vise versa. She is, just like myself, a MTF and also still pre op. Although i am really attracted to her feminine looks, she is still pre op. I was very nervous at first but, atfer that firts moment... the stress was gone. and i could enjoy it. ( feels a bit weird to say all this since its actually really private stuff). but i just wanted to tell you people i kind of overcame with that fearfull and nervous feeling i had before. A real man would still be different though. but now i know that it could be anyone, since i dont really mind and im not scared anymore. So do do wanna thank you for all your input. i had read every post the moment it got on here, i just didnt know what  to reply to them most of the time. But i am very happy with the information i got from you all, it really helped out a lot to see things from a different angle.

thank you

greetings Melissa

I'm a ftm so you may not necessarily be looking for my opinion, but i'll give it to you anyways ;)

Prior to T I was disgusted by the thought of woman sexually. Even seeing them just as 'friends' was a bit hard and i only have one close female friend. However, 6 months into T, I suddenly found myself feeling sexually attracted to woman, for the first time in my life. It's a very odd thing, it's amazing what hormones can do.

I was terrified when I realized i'd begun to have feelings for females sexually. Terrified, because i'd sworn up and down to you prior to T that I was gay as a rainbow unicorn and nothing, absolutely nothing could change that. Then suddenly I'm watching HBO and realizing "she doesn't look half bad..." it scared me.

I've looked down now and realized you've posted since so my above post is a bit useless now, aha but in any case Congrats on overcoming your fear, i'm very happy for you that you found someone. I think we has trans individuals know better than anyone that people come in all forms, and our ability as humans to love others is never ending.

Cheers!

i was totally the same about guys, gross as they are and i hate to admit it i do find them sexually attractive after a couple years of estrogen after a life time of loving women. One of the things i really did not like about estrogen :\

I personally had no interest in boys or girls until I started taking estrogen at 19.  After a few months, I realized that I really liked boys!  Even got a crush on one of my best friends, although I never told him!  In my opinion, going through this makes gender seem a lot less relevant, if you like someone just go with it.

I am bi, but admit I find them a bit more alluring since I've had SRS. Although on average I find women more attractive than men. However, strangely (or not?), in terms of sexual acts I find fewer female-female ones I'm comfortable with.  Not sure I helped much in this discussion. :)

One of the last things I did last summer to "scare away" my trans thoughts was to switch things up in my head from me-as-a-girl-with-a-girl to me-as-a-girl-with-a-guy.  It backfired, and now me-with-a-guy is dominant.  I'm actually really excited to get farther along so I can try dating a few ;)

Wow that's crazy how your sexuality can change like that :-)

Hi Lillymon,
The way you write I suspect  you are probably quite young. A lot older, my reaction to your question would be to experiment a bit and with time you will find out what works for you.
I have always been far more attracted to women than to men and even after more than 4 years HRT, that is still very much the case. However, I have experimented enough to know two things:

- I can enjoy sex with guys.
- I don't think I could ever fall in love with a guy.

Actually, day to day, I feel far more safe and comfortable being a woman with other women, than with guys. I can relax completely and snuggle up against my wife in a way I could simple not imagine with a guy. Maybe it's because I lived too long as a guy before starting my transition but that's the way it is.

One way or another, don't worry, this is really an area where the only way to KNOW what works is through direct discovery. So allow yourself some scope to do that.
Take care.
Donna

PS. No matter what, there is a bit of a thrill in being physically desired by a man. How you react to it is then just a question of choice.. :)

I'll always be straight. There's nothing hotter than the hard abs of a sweaty, sexy man...  ;)

After HRT I find when I think of being with a man....
Od talking caressing whispering...holding me...
And pleasant slow love until I explode...

Bit the reality is...he will probably rip panties off..
Throw me down and ride me like sea biscuit....

Girls are girls...different needs and wants than boys...

Quote from: XchristineX on April 14, 2013, 10:16:37 AM
After HRT I find when I think of being with a man....
Od talking caressing whispering...holding me...
And pleasant slow love until I explode...

Bit the reality is...he will probably rip panties off..
Throw me down and ride me like sea biscuit....

Girls are girls...different needs and wants than boys...

Hi Christine,
I burst out laughing when I read your rather pessimistic post. I don't have a great opinion of guys either but some are actually quite civilized.  Then again, maybe you were just fantasizing... :)
Hugs
Donna

Quote from: Donna Elvira on April 14, 2013, 02:23:30 AM
Hi Lillymon,
The way you write I suspect  you are probably quite young. A lot older, my reaction to your question would be to experiment a bit and with time you will find out what works for you.
I have always been far more attracted to women than to men and even after more than 4 years HRT, that is still very much the case. However, I have experimented enough to know two things:

- I can enjoy sex with guys.
- I don't think I could ever fall in love with a guy.

Actually, day to day, I feel far more safe and comfortable being a woman with other women, than with guys. I can relax completely and snuggle up against my wife in a way I could simple not imagine with a guy. Maybe it's because I lived too long as a guy before starting my transition but that's the way it is.

One way or another, don't worry, this is really an area where the only way to KNOW what works is through direct discovery. So allow yourself some scope to do that.
Take care.
Donna

PS. No matter what, there is a bit of a thrill in being physically desired by a man. How you react to it is then just a question of choice.. :)

Hello Donna,

Thanks for your input. I assume the age of 23 would be considered "quite young". And as far as adventures and experiences with girls go, i wouldn't say i know about everything there either. Because i was attracted to girls when i was in my teenage years i was able to get those few moments and i enjoyed them. I dont doubt i will still enjoy the same things with girls but since i am transitioning and have gotten looks from boys it started me thinking. And what you describe as snuggling up and relax with your wife. well... i think i could do that with the right person/boy ( since i am not really attracted to boys like i am to girls, i still have a limited selection that i define as attractive boys) but its just the other branch that i am worried about. the part that you need do discover and while i think i can enjoy it. it just scares me that it might be fooling myself and that it would turn out to be something i will regret; besides that i am not alone, you have the other person and since i am always serious with relationships and i cannot simply do something with just anyone like that. It makes me stressed because when i would be mistaken i might hurt the other person and thats something i also fear the most. Or even when i enjoy one or two things and not the rest... the other person might want more then that and be dissapointed, thats not what i want. So i agree on finding out trough experimenting. But its these things that i mentioned that would hold me back when i would have the oppurtunity to discover it. Also I usually like tender and romantic moments and i have no idea boys are huge fans of that. I hate my " i need to be 200% sure of everything" attitude...  well maybe i'll loosen up over time. With my current lover i dont need to worry about it actually. But curiousity is something strong :)

beside Donna, also thanks to the rest who contributed to my post so far. i dont always know what to say or answer to all of you. but it doesnt mean i dont appreciate your help and opinions.

greetings from Melissa,