Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I completely understand some people's reasoning for wanting to leave their past behind and live in total stealth from the rest of the world. OTOH, how does this way of living help to progress acceptance and understanding for future TS to fully live their life? I am often asked why I don't try to hide the fact I am TS more? I see it as my way to educate people i encounter about what being TS is really all about. To me, if we all lived in stealth then society would just keep perpetuating half-truths and myths about us. Is it so ingrained into us that we should feel guilty or ashamed for being TS that we always live in a constant state of denial of who we are?

I suppose that it depends on each person.  To me, being stealth is as important as having genital reconstruction, an absolute necessity.  Frankly I cant afford being discovered. 

I don't go stealth on purpose. If someone discovers me, I'll educate them. Most of my friends know about me. My co-workers, on the other hand, don't. Very few people question if I'm something other than a regular girl. I don't go out of my way to be stealth, but then I don't go out of my way to announce that I'm TS to everyone I see. I just live my life doing whatever, and if the TS stuff comes up, then I'll talk about it and so on.

Most of my friends know about me because they knew me from before and have been with me through the whole process. I know a lot of people, and people talk. People ask me things, usually awkwardly wondering if I'm going to get offended, but I'm not offended if someone asks. I'd rather have someone ask and learn, rather than rely on TS myths.

--natalie

Because of my work, I have no choice but to be entirely stealth; besides, it's nobody's business to nose around our personal lives.

Quote from: Yvonne on May 26, 2007, 04:17:54 PM
Because of my work, I have no choice but to be entirely stealth; besides, it's nobody's business to nose around our personal lives.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg256.echo.cx%2Fimg256%2F1869%2Fditto8pi.gif&hash=8930fcc86bdb191540b90f5b36740bd036b39083)

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi

Funny you ask. When I first started out, I was totally against anyone knowing and was planning on being as stealth as possbile. However, the more I accept it and the more I become me, the more I don't really care, since I'm confident with myself. As Natalie said, I'm not going to announce it either way. If it comes up I will educate them, if it doesn't then I won't. Once I go full time, all the people I'll hang out with from my job and other friends will know anyways.

I'm of two minds about going stealth. Actually, pre-transition I was very much for deep stealth, but over time I've started to look it it very differently.

Of course, it's going to depend on the person and the environment they're dealing with for sure, so it's hard to make any general statements. Starting out, I was terrified of being read or outed as TS, in any shape or form. My psychologist probably put it best: I was essentially laden with 'internalized' transphobia. It was extremely difficult for me to even accept being described as 'trans'. I absolutely believe that it was true, but at no point did I really want other people to actually *think* of me that way. Somehow though, as I grew more comfortable with just being myself, it became less important to me.

I'm sure the fact that a college campus is a fairly open environment did help me feel that I can just be myself, and not really concern myself so much with labels and how other people view me. As a result, I'm taking my transition slowly and gradually at my own pace, without being nearly so obsessed (anymore) with being read one way, and having to flip a switch suddenly to be read the other. I really feel like I'm 'growing' into myself, rather than spontaneously trying to contort myself to fit some stereotype.

And the comment about guilt and shame rang true for me. I don't want to feel ashamed of who I am, and as much as possible, I'm not going to let social prejudice force me to hide my background. I don't want to feel afraid that everyone is going to find out my 'big secret', or feel anxious worrying whether I might have accidentally been read.

Which doesn't mean I'm going to march around announcing it to every person I see... but I'm not going to pretend I grew up a normal little girl or whatever, because as much as I wish I did, it's simply not true. Even though I'm not planning to become an activist, I'm still going to try to inform people I know personally.

~k

This question comes up every couple of months and there are loads of posts concerning the stealth subject.  It might be worthwhile to go back and see some of the responses from users past.

Most of us achieve some level of stealth.  Total stealth is very difficult unless you don't visit the physician and have abandoned your family.

I do live most of my life in stealth.  Of course here, I'm not.  I still maintain a relationship with my family, so with them I am not.  My husband knows but he is totally cool with it.  We will discuss specific issues I have from time to time and he is very supportive. Yet, he has never had the desire to know anything of my past.  "I love who you are, not who you were," he will tell me.

Chin up!

Cindi

Quote from: Kristi on May 26, 2007, 05:06:31 PM

Quote from: Yvonne on May 26, 2007, 04:17:54 PM
Because of my work, I have no choice but to be entirely stealth; besides, it's nobody's business to nose around our personal lives.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg256.echo.cx%2Fimg256%2F1869%2Fditto8pi.gif&hash=8930fcc86bdb191540b90f5b36740bd036b39083)

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi

Double ditto!

A former post of mine:

Quote from: Tink on June 25, 2006, 11:58:19 PM
I'm stealth, have been so for many years in fact.  I don't usually discuss my past with people at work (I don't know if they know, and I really don't care if they do)  or people I just meet.  As far as telling someone in a relationship, well... in my opinion, that's something different, and I think a partner deserves to know everything about the person s/he is romantically involved with.   Just my opinion.
Tink :icon_chick:

Personally, I don't want the world to see me as a TS; I am a woman and that's all there is to it,  plain and simple, no "buts", no "conditions", no "TS label".  I know that some of you disagree with me, for we've had endless discussions about this topic many times before, but still, it's my choice. ;)

tink :icon_chick:

Quote from: Tink on May 26, 2007, 08:38:35 PM

Quote from: Kristi on May 26, 2007, 05:06:31 PM

Quote from: Yvonne on May 26, 2007, 04:17:54 PM
Because of my work, I have no choice but to be entirely stealth; besides, it's nobody's business to nose around our personal lives.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg256.echo.cx%2Fimg256%2F1869%2Fditto8pi.gif&hash=8930fcc86bdb191540b90f5b36740bd036b39083)

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi

Double ditto!

Triple Dito!

Lots of people (myself included) don't consciously decide to be stealthy, but end up doing it anyway.

If you pass reasonably well, people will assume you are your chosen gender.  With time and reducing dysphoria, you lose contact with many of the people you knew before and while transitioning, and gradually the stakes of being outted increase.  Before you know it, you're quite stealthy.

This is pretty-much how it happened for me.  I transitioned back in the mid-nineties, at the age of 24.  At the time I was committed to being a gender warrior and was very out.  But my relationship with my family went south, and I lost my job (not due to being transsexual - the place just closed its doors).

So I moved interstate, upgraded my qualifications, and got a new job.  The whole time I was expecting questions about my being transsexual, but they just weren't asked.  With every passing year, every small lie told, the stakes get higher.  Coming out to workmates is of similar scariness level to what it was back when I transitioned.  The difference is that now it's optional.

For a few years the only people I had any contact with that knew of my sordid past were my husband and my doctor.  In the last few months I've made a conscious effort to get back into the trans community a little, as being very stealth is a somewhat lonely existance.

I reserve the right to maintain pretty big walls between my trans friends and my colleagues though.

Quote from: Suze on May 27, 2007, 01:12:41 AM
Lots of people (myself included) don't consciously decide to be stealthy, but end up doing it anyway.

If you pass reasonably well, people will assume you are your chosen gender.  With time and reducing dysphoria, you lose contact with many of the people you knew before and while transitioning, and gradually the stakes of being outted increase.  Before you know it, you're quite stealthy.

i concord with you, suze.  so this is the fifth ditto in reference to this post:

Quote from: Yvonne on May 26, 2007, 04:17:54 PM
Because of my work, I have no choice but to be entirely stealth; besides, it's nobody's business to nose around our personal lives.

terrific!

I'll ditto pretty well everything here. Some people know, others don't, and I don't make a habit of announcing it. Given that I pass, it means I wind up being stealth.

Dennis

To my mind, I feel that people who knew me before I transitioned will never forget that I was born male (yuck).  So my friends, family and coworkers will always have that memory.  I can't do anything about that so to them stealth is impossible so I don't even try.  I am all female though, and that is who they see now.  And now that I've been full time for a little over a month, I'm finding that those people deal with me as a female.  My transition is now old news and as time goes along, that fact will fade, though not disappear from their memory.  That is about as "stealth" as I hope to get.  If someone asks me about being transsexual I will answer their question, but for the most part people don't ask.  I'm happy with that.

Out on the street, however, I am all woman.  I have no intension of wearing a sign that says "transsexual!", though I may at the next gay pride parade ;).  To the store clerk, the waiter, the cop, and everyone else, I want them to see me exclusively as female.  That's because I really feel that way, and I really don't want to endanger myself by being clocked by some random redneck transphobe.  Like someone once said, you can't fix stupid.

My take on the subject.

-Sandy

Quote from: Kassandra on May 27, 2007, 11:42:58 AM
To my mind, I feel that people who knew me before I transitioned will never forget that I was born male (yuck).  So my friends, family and coworkers will always have that memory. 

People do forget. It's funny. I have photo of my Dad when he was about six. People are always asking me, "is that you?" People have asked me if I was in boy scouts, or other all male organizations for kids. When I say no, they realize and sometimes get kind of embarrassed. Hell, I find it flattering. It means that they have forgotten that I didn't grow up male.

Dennis

Stealth and proud.  I lost track of the dittos.  Tee-heee

I'm not at a place in my life to decide yet and unemployed, so it hasn't come up for me yet except as an intellectual problem. From all the 'my line of work doesn't allow me to' explanations, it points to the very problem of trans people having job rights and people being afraid to have the information out. I'm wondering what are these jobs that don't allow trans people to hold them?

Rhonda

Quote from: Renae Lupini on May 26, 2007, 01:50:22 PM
I completely understand some people's reasoning for wanting to leave their past behind and live in total stealth from the rest of the world. OTOH, how does this way of living help to progress acceptance and understanding for future TS to fully live their life? I am often asked why I don't try to hide the fact I am TS more? I see it as my way to educate people i encounter about what being TS is really all about. To me, if we all lived in stealth then society would just keep perpetuating half-truths and myths about us. Is it so ingrained into us that we should feel guilty or ashamed for being TS that we always live in a constant state of denial of who we are?

I think going deep stealth is one of those decisions that it is impossible to do completely.  I think as somebody stating here it leads to a life of fear and loneliness.  How honest you are about your past, and who you are honest with, though is a very personal decision, and it is more dependent on the individual more than anything else. 

I think that all of us want some level of stealth, and live with some level of stealth.  As progressive activist though, well I have no issue with a low level of stealth.   The concept of deep stealth is not appealing to me.  In fact from where I am now, it would be destructive, to my career, to my life, and well it just doesn't match who I am as a person. 

For me going deep stealth would mean abandoning several friendships and a career I am comfortable with, in a segment of society where transsexuality is largely accepted.  I am not going to abandon a lifetime of friendships running from my past, especially when I have extremely accepting friends.

The other thing, is unlike many people, I was never really perceived as being very male.  Even before my decision to transition I had clear issues with gender identity that nearly everybody picked up on quickly.  I was already seen as gender queer, I was very androgynous and I had close ties to the transgender, androgyne and the larger queer community.  So me being TS was not surprising to my friends, and they have been entirely supportive in my transition, and they pretty much see me as a female with physical issues to overcome. 

The other thing is I LOVE my job and profession.  Progressive activism is a wonderful career.  Why would I abandon something I love, especially when my job involves making the world a better place.

Above all else, I am in a place where I can help the community being open about who I am. Because I do have the skills of being a professional activist, and because I am in a place where I can change things for the better.

I am the type of person who has spent years in school, and years in my career fighting injustice.  I think me going deep stealth would be a selfish act that would not only abandon the friends I love, the career I care deeply about, but I would also turn my back on everything I believe in.  I would have never become a professional activist if I was not opinionated and wanted to make the world a better place.     

I have spoken to other trans people in the activist community who are younger (generally this is a professional, highly educated group),  going deep stealth is not really appealing to us, even though passing is not as big of an issue.  I have no shame about my past, and neither do they, and they do not have a large issue with the TS label. 


Some TS become activist because they were forced into it because they did not pass or faced outragous discrimination and had the courage to speak out.  But for those of use who are part of the newer group of transactivists, where we were activists prior to transitioning, abandoning activism, especially when we are professional activists, would betray who we are as individuals. 

Being an activist though is acting and speaking without fear though, and I think that is difficult for many transgender individuals.  You cannot be afraid to speak your mind and be an activist.

For me, going deep stealth betrays my identity as an activist.  I think that one has the balance every aspect of their life.  For me abandoning activism would be huge issue, and going deep stealth would abandon that part of my identity.   

The stealth I desire, is walking down the street, shopping, etc.  The stealth of everyday life.  In my career, in my friendships, and in my activism, I have no shame and no issue with speaking out.   

Why go stealth? because there are a lot of hateful, narrow minded people out there.

I could probably go stealth and, to some degree, have done so. I no longer bring it up in conversation unless there was a question or concern from someone that already knows about me. I do not hide the fact that I am TS, I just do not offer it up. I no longer do lectures for college classes although if I were to be asked to do so, I would consider it.

All of us have different needs, wants, and expectations. We cannot all walk the same path but we can share it with others from time to time.

some ppl live to be stealth I prefer to be stealth enough to live

I don't consider it to be stealth to live as who I am.

Are we supposed to wear a sign around our neck saying TS, I don't think so.

Sarah L.

Quote from: Sarah Louise on May 29, 2007, 12:13:58 PM
I don't consider it to be stealth to live as who I am.

Are we supposed to wear a sign around our neck saying TS, I don't think so.

Sarah L.

Everyone needs to live their life as best as they can. I am grateful for those who have become activists.  It is a brave thing that they have done.

But there's no sign around my neck.. that's for sure.  I suffered too long for what I earned.

Cindi

Quote from: Katia on May 27, 2007, 08:28:06 AM

Quote from: Suze on May 27, 2007, 01:12:41 AM
Lots of people (myself included) don't consciously decide to be stealthy, but end up doing it anyway.

If you pass reasonably well, people will assume you are your chosen gender.  With time and reducing dysphoria, you lose contact with many of the people you knew before and while transitioning, and gradually the stakes of being outted increase.  Before you know it, you're quite stealthy.

i concord with you, suze.  so this is the fifth ditto in reference to this post:

This was pretty much exactly what I was going to write.  A definite ditto here too.  I'm still working the same job I transitioned on and due to turnover, half of the people don't even know I'm TS.  When I moved into my apartments a couple months after going fulltime, I decided not to bring up my TS past since there was no reason to.  I go swimming at my apartments and use the women's locker room and there is absolutely no way I want people knowing I'm pre-op.  I have several friends whom I have that have no idea I'm TS.  I never had any reason to volunteer the information and now I feel like if I were to tell them, they would either see me as something other than a woman and feel I had been deceiving them the entire time they had known me.  That is definitely not an appealing thought.  It's not like I was doing anything special to try and pass either.  I went to esprit, a transgendered convention, a couple weeks ago and passed as female to many people.  I actually had to make an effort to be seen as transgendered.  How can we try and be part of the community, when the community kind of passes you up just because you look female.  I mean, I haven't had any surgeries or anything to try and pass better.  I'm doing the same thing everyone else is doing, yet for the most part, the world just sees me as a female.  I'm certainly not complaining, since that was my original goal.

I've even had a debate about TS's transitioning with somebody who didn't know I was TS.  In other words, just because I'm not out to everyone, doesn't mean I can't still help to further the community.  I'm not hiding, I'm just choosing not to advertise about my past.  I also don't think "being out and proud" is the only way to effectively help combat negative perceptions about the transgendered community.  If somebody were to ask me if I was TS, I would be honest.  In fact, I had that happen once with somebody and she accepted me anyways.  I'm just not going to advertise it.  That's like a kkk member wandering into the ghetto wearing their sheets.  It's just dangerous and likely to get you killed eventually.

Anyhow, to sum it up for me, stealth has not exactly been about making some conscious decision to go into hiding.  It's has merely been a result of circumstances and it would actually take more effort to not be stealth, so I am merely following the path of least resistance.

Quote from: Melissa on May 29, 2007, 04:34:13 PM
I actually had to make an effort to be seen as transgendered.  How can we try and be part of the community, when the community kind of passes you up just because you look female.  I mean, I haven't had any surgeries or anything to try and pass better.  I'm doing the same thing everyone else is doing, yet for the most part, the world just sees me as a female.  I'm certainly not complaining, since that was my original goal.

This is an excellent point.  Why do people transition anyway?  I transitioned to be seen as female, not to be seen as trans.  I guess there are people who transition to be seen as transsexual as well.

Not everyone wants to be a gender warrior.  Some have to be, because they have physical issues that means they can't pass.  Some choose to be, for their own political reasons.  It's wrong-headed to assume that just because your own politics lean to the gender-outlaw side, then everyone else should follow suit.

Yes, it's not good for the trans community that a significant portion of its population, and the part who are probably the most able to convince society at large that we're normal people, is effectively invisible.  But that's just how it is.

Back when I started transition all I wanted to do was to pass successfully as a woman (and hopefully be reasonably attractive into the bargain!)  It wasn't a case of actively trying to hide something, but rather a case of trying to move towards some ideal of my true self that I'd carried in my head for a long time...

As the years passed I started to realise I was living in stealth, although it had never been a conscious decision on my part.  Quite simply I was passing, meeting new people who'd never known me before, loving life and just living... 

Living in stealth (apart from with family and childhood friends of course...) seemed to pose no particular problems, and in many ways definitely made my life far simpler than it otherwise might have been (especially in terms of friendships and jobs).  No awkward questions, no special treatment...

However, as the years have gone by my approach has changed a little and now when I find myself in a friendship that really means something to me, I find I absolutely have to talk about my trans history.  Of course this is still not something I do with all friends, just the really important, close ones.

By sharing these intimate details of my life, I feel reassured that my close friends understand me much better, and especially when I have slightly unusual reactions in certain situations.  For example, they then understand why I've got no kids even though I'd love to have them, why I'm often slow getting involved with men because of the nagging fear I'll be rejected for my trans past (yes, I know we don't need to tell them, but I just always feel I have to), etc... 

In my experience, the fact of sharing this part of me with certain people has further reinforced already strong relationships.  Thus far, I've never lost a friend I told, and have always been lucky to discover just how good a friend I really had! 

I suppose, what I'm trying to say is that basically when I was growing up it was hell being in that lonely, personal prison, unable to show myself for who I really was, and I just can't accept the idea of locking myself away again from the people I love and leaving this planet just as lonely as when I arrived.

MVER XXX