Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello. I am writing this in the hope of finding support. I am a woman married to a man who, about 2 months ago, told me he feels he is in fact a woman in a male body. We have been married almost 10 years. This announcement came completely out of the blue. No warning, no signs - nothing. I don't know what to do, how to feel. I am finding that all the information and support out there seems to be aimed only at the people struggling to find their way as trans. No one seems to have any helpful information for a person that feels completely betrayed and angry. I feel like I am made to feel like a bad person for not being all 'Well hooray! Look at you wanting to turn your world and mine totally upside down! I am so proud of you for lying to me for all these years. I can't wait to have to be the one forced to make a decision about a marriage that I felt was very stable and happy - only to be told that I either become a lesbian or there is no marital future'.

This is NOT FAIR! I do see that my husband is trying to be as gentle as possible - but there is no longer any compromise, there is just all or nothing. I have tried to put it in terms that I can use as an example. We have no children (thankfully), and I would never force fatherhood on a person that doesn't want to be a father - yet I have no choice in this life changing event? No say?

I have never thought myself to be in any way bigotted. In other circumstances, I would very happily be a supportive friend of this person. But I am not interested in a romantic relationship with a woman. In simple terms, I like the intimacy of the physical 'male to female' sex act. That physical penetration is what I ultimately desire, and what gives me the pleasure rush. Why does this make me a bad person.

My husband has started on medications and is seeing a psych and working out what he wants - but all of this is happening without me. It is happening so fast. And he is angry that I can't ever see him as a woman. I know him as a he, not a she. I actually have a friend that has recently become female, and whilst with them - I refer tho them in the feminine. But, I still see him as the man I first met. I know this statement will be met with howls of 'Well this is YOUR problem, you need to change your thinking, change your perception'. How is that my problem? Why does it have to be my fault? Why am I wrong? Why do I have to feel like a bad person?

Please help me. I am filled with anger and sadness. I have no one to talk to. I am alone and tired of fighting.

Welcome confused -

We have a "Significant Others" board set up for people in your situation.  Please take advantage of it.

For our new members:

Please be sure to review

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
  
• Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
  
• Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
  

Just something to think about ... your husband has probably been dealing with his/her gender issues in silence for much of his/her life.  S/he is fundamentally the same person.  Couples therapy and/or a support group might be ideal for the both of you.

Keep the lines of open and honest communication going.

Hi,

I think we can all relate to your horror and pain.

The sheer concept that the man you love and decided to have a life with has turned to you with the news that she is in fact female is devastating to the core of your life.

I do feel for you.

How to deal with it? There are no easy answers and no easy ways, the unfortunate aspect of gender dysmorphia is that it is present for ever and doesn't go away. So many MtF (male to females) such as your husband, has been struggling with this for probably her entire life. She probably married you because she loved you and also thought that she could be a normal man and have a wife and family and somehow the curse we live with would be lifted.

It is a sad state that so many MtF try, in the incredible desire to be 'cured'.

There is no cure. The closet we have is gender reassignment and all that entails.

How do relationships survive? To be brutal, few do.

As you said you are not a lesbian and no matter her sexual preferences your partner is female. How you perceive her in the future has changed,no matter what happens. 

How to cope?

Can I suggest that you see her therapist, either alone or together, you need as much information as you can get about her as you can deal with. And you also need help to deal with your thoughts and emotions.

How to refer to her?

I cannot answer that, I have always thought that the expectation of married MtF people to be suddenly accepted with open arms and correct pronouns by their wife, who was never aware of the issue, to be unrealistic.

Please do keep communication open, do tell her clearly and if possible calmly how you feel.  She is also probably feeling in a very very terrible place and watching your pain and feeling it and totally torn apart by it. She would have not have told you this with any ease, she knows she is risking losing her life partner because if she doesn't become herself, well, to be honest the alternative may be worse.

Depression, self harm, suicide, are common among TG people. I know.

Do go to the SO section, there are several wives there who can discuss this and offer their thoughts.

Finally (for now). You are no longer alone. We are here for you and you are part of the family of people who struggle with this. You are most welcome and do post at any-time with any thoughts and any comments.

If I had any words of comfort I would offer them, If I had magic spells I would cast them.

All I can offer is that I'll try to be here for you.

Cindy

I am not sure how much help this will be.  But I was together for 10 years with my ex-wife before my gender identity issues became to great for me to control.  Our marriage was strong and full of love which only made me push harder to bury that part of myself.  It was never her fault or her causing me pain I chose to have as much time with her the way she had fallen in love with me.  For her she saw it as a huge betrayal that it had all been a lie but that is furthest from the truth and in time she has come to see that. Unfortunately she is not bisexual and had to mourn the passing of her husband before she could celebrate the birth of her new best friend. I never asked her to continue the relationship to sav her from having to decide between the marriage and her sexuality. She has had a great deal of anger over that but i think at times thanks me for it. Now a year  after the  initial talk we are great friends even talking about boyfriends and laughing. We both miss being a couple and she still sees her husband when she looks at me but she's told me often that she really likes being able to see me so happy her only regret was how it all came about ie the way i never gave her a chance to know and instead just caused fighting then left the marriage abruptly. She says that was what caused the most damage not me coming out to her a few months later.  Still she admits that it could never work but she's glad we are still best friends.  Dont get me wrong its not all peachy now many wounds are still fresh but it did get alot better in time.  I do reccomend counseling though if nothing else but to save your friendship.  It is not always all or nothing from the research i have read and some marriages even straight couples can survive. For me i knew i had to go all the way and therefore had to let go.  stay strong it will get better in time for both of you.

Ohh and although I personally dont recommend it, my ex-wife suggests lots and lots of wine. I will ask her later today if she has anything she would like to add.

I didn't tell my first wife till a few years after we were married. Didn't go down well at all, was the start of the end. She only wanted a big strong male, not some crossdresser! This really upset my wife and caused many arguments between us, in the end it was divorce.

For me, my gender issues have been with me since I was 4, thats 40 years ago. I have been in the army and done all the male things, which I still like. But I cannot get away from the inner girl that is the real me. I like others on this site have been self abusing myself for too long, and this needs to stop. I see only one option, Transition.
I no longer want to beat myself up mentaly any more it is killing me!
I am married again, but my wife knew about me before we even went on our first date, and I only ever presented as male. I hide nothing from her.
I spoke to my wife about a month ago, and explained I could no longer live as male and wanted a sex change. This of course upset her. I see this as very upsetting for my wife and family, seeing there are 5 children to consider as well. I am lucky to have a wife like I have, as she loves me for me, not the outside of me. I will still be the same person, just different to look at, and I will be alive!
Personaly I don't think I could live the rest of my life with the turmol that is constant in my head. For example, being jealous of other ladies wishing I was them, crying myself to sleep because I hate what I see in a morror, I even shave with no mirror so I don't see myself.
The only time I feel happy is when I am dressed as a girl! For what I see on the outside is correctly alined for the real me on the inside. This makes me smile from the inside out!
I like being a happy person, but have never been really happy, but after talking to my wife and explaining my situation I feel a lot happyer than I did.
My wife is surportive of my transition as she wants me to be happy, and she will stay with me as she loves the person on the inside as I love the real her, as I see her, a bright, intellegent, caring, understanding and very loving person that I am proud to call my wife!

My heart goes out to you in your very confusing and upsetting time! Please use the site to get the information that you are looking for. I know this site has helped me!

Angela

My ex wife and I were together for just over 10 years when I came out. It took her about 6 months or so before she started to see me as female, so don't feel bad about seeing your husband as male still. It is a huge adjustment for you, and it would be crazy to expect you to change your way of thinking so quickly. Give yourself time. As for not wanting to be with a woman, that is totally understandable. We all have our sexual preferences, and there is nothing wrong with that. My ex, like you, only wants to be with a man. Even though I have yet to have surgery, the fact that I am no longer a man means she is no longer attracted to me. We are still friends, and get along pretty well. We even talk about who we are dating, or who we want to date. There just is no longer any romantic connection. I honestly do not believe you are doing anything wrong (at least from what you said in your post). I hope your husband understands that this transition is not just about her, but also about you. Even if you don't stay together, it will be a part of you for a long time. Good luck.

Hey Confused,
First, I'm really sorry that you are going through this. You didn't ask for any of this when you took his hand in marriage. It sounds like it really came as a shock. Have you looked into therapy? I know that gender therapists tend to deal with the ts themselves, most good ones can help spouses and significant others really well too. You might look into it, even if it's quite a distance. I would encourage you to search yourself and find your way through this with the help of a professional. I understand how you'd feel hurt, deceived and betrayed, I think this are super normal feelings. It's important to explore them and get them out. No matter what happens to your marriage, maybe there's a way that you could have open dialogue and come to a peaceful place (whether or not you stay married) through all of this. I wish you the best, Meghan.

Hi, and welcome to Susan's Place! I am also sorry that you are going through this. Do you have a name that we can use? I think we'd like take some of the confusion away for you, if we can. Thank you for finding the site, hugs, Devlyn

I am sorry you are going through this.

My ex knew before we married.  She was there when I tried to transition before.  After we married, I was OK for about 10 years and then it came back.  So when I brought it up again, she felt the same as you.  I asked her why, when she was so supportive before.  Her reply was that she was not emotionally invested then.

Yes it is confusing and can be hurtful.  It is not your fault, nor is it your husbands.  I look at it this way.  What if he was in an accident that destroyed his face?  He is still the same person you love, but he now looks nothing like the man you married.  It is similar.  The only thing changing is the outside package.  Inside, he is still the same person.

A good gender therapist might help you deal with the changes. 

Hello Confused

Oh dear I'm really sorry that you are being put through this by your husband. You must be in a complete state of shock after having such a bombshell blow your life apart, and in such a way. I guess if someone I loved and married over a number of years had been lying and deceiving me through keeping something as important as this secret I would be devastated too.

I think what many trans people seem to forget when they decide to come out is that they're dealing with an issue which is completely and totally off most people's radar.

I mean, it's not like your husband has been having an affair, is it? I'm sure that during the course of your marriage there have been those moments of insecurity and maybe you might even have suspected that your husband might be sleeping with someone else (I don't know you, so please forgive me if I'm guessing, making assumptions or generalizations).

Nor is it like something you read about in the newspapers, is it? I'm sure that you've heard about people having a 'sex change', being a 'transsexual' or going for 'gender reassignment'. There is some awareness, but even with this awareness there's still no way of anticipating that someone you know, or even worse, someone with whom you're sharing intimacy with and having a sexual relationship with could be transgendered.

Please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel that the major problem, or the most immediate problem is that your husband has suddenly dropped this on you out of the blue. Not only that but he appears to be holding a gun to your head in expecting you to react a certain way, in a positive way, and continue being loving and supportive.

This I feel is something you might be feeling is unreasonable because you are feeling so much confusion, you are also hurt that you've been deceived (which might have damaged your ability to trust your husband if not shaken completely your confidence in him) and you are probably wondering what is going to happen next.

I wish I could empathize more but you see I don't have a clue what it feels like to be a natural born woman in a relationship with a man who apparently wants to be a woman. I don't have a clue what it feels like even to be a natural born woman. I would love to have had my own child but see, I'm a transgendered woman, I can't even have a period.

However if you are reading this and feel that I have empathized or tried to, maybe you will be able to find it within yourself to try and empathize with what the others have posted here and what I'm about to write.

I could tell my own story, but I'll stick just to what is relevant here. I grew up feeling different to most other people. People referred to me as a boy, they called me a male name, but I never felt anything like a boy, never felt male at all. But do you know what I was feeling?

I felt that I was trapped inside this boy, as someone else. I couldn't relate to anyone, couldn't feel love, could never be happy, because I always felt that they were addressing this boy inside who I existed. As I grew older I played along at being this boy, hoping to share some of the love and the happiness, but what I ended up feeling was that I was making all the effort and he was getting all the attention, all the love, everything.

I guess from your perspective it's a bit like having two boys who are brothers who fight with each other over everything. Only I didn't feel like a boy, and I wasn't separate, but trapped inside this boy.

I started to feel female shortly before puberty and started to crossdress. My parents didn't accept this, they didn't try to understand and the psychiatrist they took me to was just determined to make me stop it.

This is where I learned to keep this issue a secret, to deny it existed, to pretend to be that boy and that man, because I didn't want to be hated, I wanted to be accepted and loved, I wanted to be happy. What's more more than this I wanted to be 'normal'.

I got a sense that I was female and needed to be female all the time at the age of seventeen, but I felt that it was the crossdressing getting out of control and that maybe if I just tried harder to be a man then it would go away. When I went to get professional help I was dismissed as a crossdresser and told to accept it.

So I kept on at trying to be male. I dated women, but when they got too close and wanted to start a sexual relationship or get married I would suddenly break off the relationship without warning. I broke several hearts that way.

Long story short I got married later on and put my wife through a similar experience to the one you're going through now. Only she knew from the start I had gender issues and didn't mind me crossdressing. We lasted three years, no children, I let her pay off the flat with my income, we had a quick no faults divorce which was better than the wedding. The wedding was where I stood next to my wife exchanged vows but wanted to be her. By then all the evidence had mounted up, all the experience, and I felt that I needed to become a woman.

My wife was the last ever woman I have formed a relationship with as a man.

There is a French proverb which states 'It is easier to lie to others than to stop deceiving yourself.'

You see I was lying to myself, refusing to face up to my issues, and because I was lying to myself I was also lying to other people, deceiving them, and hurting them. I decided to face up to the truth and stop living a lie, and start being honest with myself and others.

I can't help but wonder how similar your husband feels to me, how similar his experiences are.. Probably not very similar, I'm not your husband, but like him I'm trans, and I'm just trying to present all this in a way you can relate to.

I can understand that you feel under pressure to accept these changes almost as if your husband has decided to change his hairstyle, right? We as trans have had quite a lot of time to come to terms with who we are, our issues, and we sometimes forget that other people need time too when we drop our 'bombshells'.

I guess you might also be feeling somewhat left out and that nobody is really interested in how you feel and what you have to say, and what the implications of all this are going to be for you. It's not just his life that's been torn apart, but your's too.

Please don't think that it's because your husband is being selfish, or uncaring, or unconcerned.. it's just that being transgendered is a much bigger issue than just the bedroom, or a relationship, or wanting to wear female clothing.

Being transgendered affects every single aspect of your life. Gender dysphoria is a bit like depression, a bit like a dull toothache, it's a constant, nagging, persistent pain that eats away at you all the time, day in, day out. You feel that you cannot connect, that nobody can connect to you, and so you feel lonely and isolated.

The only relief is sleep. But when you wake up and look in the mirror it comes back and it stays with you until you go to sleep again. Do you know how many times I've just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up again? Can you imagine feeling like that?

It's something which dominates your thinking, and each time you try and think about something it's there trying to distract you. You could be working, you could be driving, you could be having a wonderful conversation with someone, and all you have inside is this desire that you could be a woman, or that the other person could accept you as a woman.

As this is such a persistent and nagging issue, many trans especially in the early stages forget about the others around them and become more focussed on themselves. Even to the point of 'it's all about me'. They're right to a point, because gender dysphoria is just affecting them, it doesn't affect anybody else. But being trans does affect other people as well, it affects everyone who is closest to them, especially partners, parents, children, relatives, friends, employers, and so on.

As your husband has tried to come out to you, it's obvious that he's decided to make an attempt to face up to his issues and stop lying and deceiving everyone.

But you know he might be feeling just as lonely, isolated, confused, and sad and angry as you are. Yes he has lied to you and deceived you, but I would wager good money that this fact doesn't sit too well with him at all, it's probably going to give him deep feelings of guilt, and shame and remorse.

Now if you've got this far and you have somehow managed to empathize with me, a complete stranger who is also trans, do you think you can find it within yourself to see if you can empathize with your husband?

Can you also see if you can find a way of getting him to empathize with you?

I wish you both well and am sending warm positive wishes to you both and hope that you can find it within yourselves to reach some sort of solution or compromise.

Please feel free to contact me if you need to.

Wow. Just, wow. I have been reading a lot of the forums - and as wonderful as they were, I didn't feel the value until I took a step to join in. Thankyou all so much for your warm welcome and open arms.

I know that time and communication are key to this journey - and having each of you tell me that as selfish as my feelings seem to feel right now, that doesn't make them wrong or make me a bad person. I think I just needed to kind of vent my feelings, and I am truly grateful that no one judged what I said. Re-reading my initial post - I can see that it is very negative and I was crossing my fingers not to be excluded for it! I hope that means this really is a safe place to be honest.

Feelings are so hard to talk about, because they often sem irrational, and some of the things that pop into my head emotionally, are things I would NEVER say to anyone on this journey. I think it is amazing to see so many strong people just saying - well, this is who I am! It just seems different when it is happening to you - if that makes sense? Logically, I am supportive and would love nothing more than to live in a world where everyone is free to be who they truly are, but selfishly - it'd be great if it was someone else's husband.

I mean no offence at all - but I feel like one of those people who say "But I never thought it would happen to me". And to avoid misunderstanding - I know this journey isn't about me, but we got married and became 2 halves of a whole.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thankyou. Please PM me if I do cause offence! I'd rather fix a broken bridge than have to start from scratch on a new one!

My name is Rose.

I'm a practical person, so I'll spare you the feelings stuff; I know my sisters here will cover that better than I could have in any case. But on a practical level, I know it might sound trite, but I read in your post several times that you do not wish to be with a woman, or you'll have to become a lesbian... maybe you can try to think outside of this, and just "be with your spouse"... see how that works? I mean, if everything else about this person makes her the one you wanted to spend your life with, then this will not change that person as much as you think. I know from experience, being someone who is trans and post operative herself (although I present alternatingly as male/female), and my wife is queer, so had no problems with it. As for sex, that part can get even better than it ever was, at least it did for us. Creativity, intimacy, and yes, a range of amazing products adopted from my lesbian sisters  ensures that.

I know it is tough, but think of the person as a whole, and not just genitals or gender role, and maybe you can find a way to stay... good luck in any case. i hope things work out for both of you.

Dear Confused I feel your pain.

The force to become "normal" for some TS's is so strong. This person that you know & love is still there just the gender is changing. Maybe you can try & love the person anyway even though she will be more of a sister to you & not a husband.

It will be hard. As a MTF & briefly "married" none of my previous women close friends understood. They all left me quickly for a real man. I understood & accepted it.

Just try & care for each other & go slow.

Hi Rose, we pride ourselves on being an inclusive community. We deal with a lot of raw emotion here, I don't think your post offended anyone. Thanks for opening up and trusting us, hugs, Devlyn

Rose, I feel for you!

As a MTF who's into masculine men only.....I happen to attract masculine, ordinairy men....nothing feminine about them....who (later) turn out to be tv, cd, tg or even pre MTF!

Most T lovers have T tendencies themselves....and almost always accuse me of being narrowminded if I turn them down.

It strikes me....as if women/MTF are not supposed to have their very own sexual preferences...or a personality of their own, for that matter.

They seem to be totally egoistical to me....you can't expect something like love or even respect of them even when you're married to such a person.

And to be honest....you didn't have a clue, knew nothing before your husband came out as a MTF...so you've actually married a complete stranger....how can there be love or respect in such a situation?

My worst nightmare is winding up with a masculine guy who turns out to be tv/cd/tg or even pre ts.

Rose, I feel for you and it takes a heck of a lot more for me to be offended than what you wrote. Shock, feelings of betrayal, feeling like your world is crumbling around your feet are all normal reactions when you think you know someone and then are presented with what your husband let you in on.

I can't know for sure how you feel but have a pretty good handle on what your husband may feel. Not only were you decieved but he has probably been decieving himself for years and years. It has probably been on his mind everyday, at night when he falls asleep and every morning when he wakes up. One day he probably woke up and come to terms with herself and instead of trying to fight it anymore, she just started to accept it. Internal struggles get so hard sometimes and takes so much out of a person.

Your husband will still be the same person that you married. The love for you probably hasn't deminished any. I know that we find certain physical attributes attractive but we are also attracted to certain emotional qualities too. But that is up to you to decide. I think time and patience on both parts will do both of you good and I wish you both the best of luck.

I began my transition at 50 and will be 70 in August, my very feminine, petite cis female spouse just turned 66, we are going on 44 years and are still sexually active together which I know is unusual. The secret has been many long two-way conversations and some compromises from both of us.

Hi,
Seems that you already got alot of good wisdom.

I am not only a transsexual, I am married to a trans person also. Shortly after I started my transition my wife came out of the closet and started to transition also. So I do know some of what you are going through.
Let us cut to the chase:
If you do stay your relationship dynamic will change. Nothing will be untouched, however...your spouse will become much more stable, loving and genuine in their life. Seeing my spouse transform into a highly productive and happy member of society has been very rewarding and special. It was dificult on many levels but we made it.

(oh and as for penetration sex, there is this wonderful invention called the strap on...just throwing that out there)

:)

Best of luck hun, I know this is not easy.

Don't forget that different generations acted differently.  Some things are more readily accepted today than they were 50 years ago.

Many "played" a part to survive.  "Over acting" and going to extremes to prove to family that you weren't Gay or TG was normal at one time.

Quote from: Dahlia on March 26, 2013, 08:03:31 AM

It strikes me....as if women/MTF are not supposed to have their very own sexual preferences...or a personality of their own, for that matter.

Good point. There's often a kind of unspoken pressure on women (cis or trans) to always be accepting and accommodating and to show unconditional love. Plus the stereotype that 'men are visual while women don't care about looks/bodies, etc.' It's great when people are this way, but it's a lot to live up to. Society expects these basic feminine, maternal qualities taken to extremes. Women can feel they're being judged if they don't always display something like complete selflessness. They're socialized to always think of and put others before themselves.


In a situation like this, it's easy for the woman to feel like she's not being considered or heard. Even when the transitioning partner is not putting pressure on her, she still can feel bound by society's pressure and her own 'for richer or for poorer' vows. This can all conspire to make her feel trapped even though that's not the partner's intention - which is usually just to be true to herself and hopefully keep her marriage in the process.

Like most here, I'm not a cis woman (I'm ftm - going in the opposite direction of your husband) nor do I have a transitioning husband, and can only imagine what this must be like for you. But like others in this thread, I feel for you and am glad you're here Rose.

Quote from: Shantel on March 26, 2013, 10:23:45 AM
I began my transition at 50 and will be 70 in August, my very feminine, petite cis female spouse just turned 66, we are going on 44 years and are still sexually active together which I know is unusual. The secret has been many long two-way conversations and some compromises from both of us.

You don't seem to understand what Rose exactly wrote....she's NOT a lesbian OR a bisexual and ONLY into masculine men...she didn't ask about the things you're describing about your sexlife because she doesn't want THAT....she writes very, very clear about that. .....
And your 'secret'.... sounds a bit gross in this context  >:(

Quote from: Jess42 on March 26, 2013, 10:13:59 AM

Your husband will still be the same person that you married.

That's exacty what Rose writes about: her husband ISN'T the same person that she married anymore: she's  a MTF in transition now!

Plus Rose didn't have a clue about this 'same person' MTF husband....in the first place.

Quote from: kkut on March 26, 2013, 01:36:33 PM
Dahlia, most important, Rose is asking for support. Let's try and keep posts to being supportive if possible.  :)

Exactly....before we know it,  it's all about 'my wife stayed with me and we have a thriving sexlife now, because of 'good communication'....

Let alone 'your husband will be the same person you've married' etcetc.

That's not very supportive, isn't it? That's all about the MTF person and most certainly NOT about the wife.

No, Dahlia, the husband is the same person.  One does not become MtF or FtM or androgynous overnight.  Gender identity is most likely innate.  What the couple needs now is mutual understanding.  I sympathize with both, because I am intimately familiar with this exact type of relationship.  It is hell.  Hell for the tg/ts person, and hell for the spouse and family.

This is a support site for tg/ts persons and their families.  Our mission is to promote understanding, not to push discord and bash the choices others have made in their lives, in different times, and under different circumstances.

I want you to retire from this topic.

Quote from: Dahlia on March 26, 2013, 01:41:13 PM
Exactly....before we know it,  it's all about 'my wife stayed with me and we have a thriving sexlife now, because of 'good communication'....

Let alone 'your husband will be the same person you've married' etcetc.

That's not very supportive, isn't it? That's all about the MTF person and most certainly NOT about the wife.

When you fall in love and marry someone, you aren't just marrying what you see on the outside. There are also emotional connections and so on that mean just as much and sometimes more than a physical attraction. People get older and start getting wrinkles, sagging, scarred or God forbid a tragic accident in which they are unrecognizable any more. So in a sense, physically no one is married to the same person that they wedded to.

Like everyone else has said, nothing you've written or feel makes you a bad person. It's *very* early yet; you should expect to be in emotional turmoil for a while, and your spouse has no right to expect you to be fine with everything overnight. Some women can only see themselves partnered with men - and that's 100% valid, just like any other orientation. If people wouldn't expect you to "stop being gay" by choice, they also shouldn't expect you to stop being straight. My one caution there is to listen to the people here who've said that the label isn't the point, and that if (and it's a BIG if and I'm not saying you should or will get there) you find yourself at the point where the only thing holding you back from remaining with this person is "having to become a lesbian" you may want to consider saying to heck with the label part of things. I do know more than one self-defined straight woman who is with a trans woman, and more than one lesbian who is with a trans man, and some of them even insisted on keeping their "original" labels and just made an exception for a beloved. However, again, that's not the point right now; you are utterly entitled to prefer men exclusively, and if that's still the case, as the transition progresses you're going to be less and less romantically interested in your partner. Which is painful and awful and I sympathize so very much.

My wife came out to me just after our 9th wedding anniversary. She hadn't been lying to me - she only figured it out herself a few days before - but like you, it was a total shock and my entire world tipped sideways. I will say up front that by a year later, she had fully transitioned and we were still romantically involved and still very happy together... but at 2 months in, I was depressed, angry, worried beyond belief, suicidal, frustrated, and generally miserable. I couldn't go 12 hours without crying hysterically. I was a lot more upset than you sound, though possibly not as much as you feel. And I am bisexual, which meant that I and everyone else thought it'd be "easy" to adjust my sexuality and my life to this transition. It wasn't. I'm being brutally honest here : it was incredibly hard, and there were times when we had to find ways to adapt to the new state of our relationship and compromise with each other all over again, even though she was and is still fundamentally the same person. Furthermore, had she gone ahead with doctors and treatments without waiting for me to catch up to the new state of affairs, I would have been 1000X worse off at that point. (She waited until I was ready, which was about 3 months after the revelation, just to see a therapist.) Each time something changed, I had to grieve for what I'd lost before I could appreciate what we'd gained. It is a tremendous amount of work for both the trans person and their partner to weather transition together, and while it absolutely can be done, there is no shame whatsoever in deciding that you simply cannot be married to a woman.

I think my only advice at this stage would be, as others have said, to seek out a therapist for yourself and/or with her, and see how you feel about the next few weeks or months. (In fact, therapy is probably a good idea just to deal with the trauma of this revelation, regardless of where things go from here.) Don't worry about years from now yet, if you possibly can. So long as the answer to "Do I want a divorce" is "not right now," keep working through things with the therapist and your spouse. Of course, if that answer is ever "yes," or she's unwilling to meet you partway on this effort, then you'll know the time has come to end your marriage... and don't let anyone reproach you for that either. You'll know you tried your best. Good luck.


(Jess42 : I tell people that we've changed a heck of a lot more since age 17 [when we got involved] than my wife did in that transition year, although she certainly changed a lot faster that time. I barely recognize the person I was back then! I often mention the same thing about physical changes as well. :) I'm not sure anyone who hadn't seen me in 10 years would recognize me either, and yet she loves me still. The love and connection is real, definitely, even if it's not always enough to survive this drastic and unexpected a change. It's not shallow to care about the physical packaging, even to the point of dealbreaker, but it's also ridiculous to claim that a transitioning spouse becomes a stranger overnight.)

Yeah, blueconstancy, I know where your coming from. The 17 yr old me is long gone and if I ever passed my 17 yr old self on the street, I wouldn't even know me. If I did recognize myself though, I would probably slap me around a little to try to knock a little sense in my head at that age though. ;)

Quote from: Dahlia on March 26, 2013, 01:06:25 PM
You don't seem to understand what Rose exactly wrote....she's NOT a lesbian OR a bisexual and ONLY into masculine men...she didn't ask about the things you're describing about your sexlife because she doesn't want THAT....she writes very, very clear about that. .....
And your 'secret'.... sounds a bit gross in this context  >:(

I understand perfectly what Rose is talking about, my spouse is not a lesbian and I still function as a male for the most part, that is why it says MtF (meaning where I'm coming from) and Androgyne (what is the level of my compromise for her sake). Had I not been married and still young it would be much different I can assure you and everyone else. My point I am making to you Rose is that it is possible through a lot of lengthy and sometimes heart wrenching discussion to reach some kind of amicable and loving agreement between the two of you. It takes a lot of patience and endurance and requires give and take from you both.

Dear Rose,

My heart goes to you for your loss, your pain, and you anger.

Right now you need to think and look for number one, you! Look at your finacial situation, and start thinking about your future and you goals.  Your "husband" is no more, and he will never be the same, not to you anyway.

I say to you "cut your loses short," and embark into your new life, embrace the oportunity for a new beggining..

Do not let the pain, anger, and hate destroy your heart, soul, and health. Forgive him, and move on...

OO

Peky

That paints a rather bleak picture.  It doesn't have to end that way.

My spouse is not a lesbian either.  It took a lot of work, but we have worked it out.  We've been married almost 47 years.

Talk, keep the lines of communication open, that is the only way you will understand each others needs and have a chance of coming to a solution that will work for both of you.