Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I can never stop T. It's been 5 1/2 months now, and seeing how my body is transforming as well as my mind, I can never go back. It is too good to be true. Honestly, it's no longer "exciting"; it never really was exciting as I thought it would be pre-T, because the changes are so slow, but it is... Normal. Normal as in, how it always was supposed to be. I'm simply content with the results, and eager to see myself in a year or so.

Now...identity and the guilt coming from it. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I identified as a lesbian as young as 11 years old, and I LOVED the feelings that came with it. The secrecy, the feeling of being a social rebel, the passion between two women. I resigned before the fact that since I cannot be a man, that I was "cursed" to be born the wrong gender, I can be a lesbian. Those days as lesbian are where all my adventures are buried. Real-life epic love stories, heartrending splits, everything and nothing you could ever even imagine. Each year in my life could have a book written about it. Everything had to do with my sexual orientation: lesbian.

While experiencing all of this, I always knew I am not a woman. From 2-3 years old, I knew. I lived as a boy for the biggest part of my life (my parents were cool with it, school wasn't though). I learned about T when I was 18, and within 2-3 months, I was on it. It was one of the biggest miracles in my life. I remember I had tears in my eyes when I first watched a vid on YouTube about transition.

Now...the guilt. Ever since my last two shots, I have felt enormous guilt. I know that with every shot I take, I go farther and farther away from "lesbian" to "straight ordinary man". At the gay pride parade in my city a few days ago, I told my fiancee I would dress as a girl and put makeup on for part of it. I wanted to feel being a lesbian again, I longed for it so badly. It was badly planned, and it didn't work out. I looked like a man in drag. I mean, I could pull it off easily if better planned, but that's not the point.

How do I deal with these feelings? Something in my mind says "you can quit before its too late". No, I cannot quit, I do NOT want to quit. I am a man and nothing else. The guilt keeps saying "if you wait a few more months, then nothing is reversible". I'm having a hard time battling with my emotions and feelings. Does this say anything about my gender identity? My parents keep saying "you cant run from nature, its your feminine beginning thats calling to you". No, it is not. See, I want to be a lesbian, yet I am a man.
I feel like I can always, even after years on T, dress and look as a girl for a day or so. That would satisfy me. At the same time, I feel like it would hurt my pride of being a man. Do you have any opinions guys? I'm in  a moral dilemma. I know this is similar to another one of my posts, but that was more about relationships than anything else.


P.S. I apologize for complaining and whining about life so much, I really do, haha. I bet you guys are getting sick of me xD I promise I'm not a pessimist at all, though. Just dealing with inner conflicts...

Sounds like you just have to find your own identity instead of the one a "taboo" sexual orientation made for you. You talk about lesbianism like it was some unique, special thing. It's good for people to feel unique and special. It's what keeps us going. Maybe you just miss being different. Straight men blend into society. Now, I have no advice on what you can do to stand out because everyone values and desires different things. Do some soul-searching. The answer is probably not going to come easily.

Quote from: tvc15 on April 11, 2013, 02:26:03 AM
Sounds like you just have to find your own identity instead of the one a "taboo" sexual orientation made for you. You talk about lesbianism like it was some unique, special thing. It's good for people to feel unique and special. It's what keeps us going. Maybe you just miss being different. Straight men blend into society. Now, I have no advice on what you can do to stand out because everyone values and desires different things. Do some soul-searching. The answer is probably not going to come easily.

It truly was something unique and special, though. All of my experiences stem from it. It's really not about standing out, but I guess the pure love that came with each relationship, as well as the misery after. I also can't ditch the stereotypes, I still stick firmly to even the trivial "gay qualities" that I have shown before. I want to be part of that community. I want to feel that rush. At the same time, I'm in a great relationship with a lesbian girl, and she loves me very much, but I miss that "rush" we used to feel. I hear people here mentioning genderfluid. I'm not a woman, but I'm thinking of maybe letting myself go and be what I feel like without pressure. Continuing T for the rest of my life and growing into the man I was supposed to be, yet, playing one part of the two in a lesbian relationship.

Be the man you and wear dresses like a BA. If Eddie Izzard can do it without hurting his manly pride, so can you.

Quote from: BearGuy on April 11, 2013, 02:35:24 AM
It truly was something unique and special, though. All of my experiences stem from it. It's really not about standing out, but I guess the pure love that came with each relationship, as well as the misery after. I also can't ditch the stereotypes, I still stick firmly to even the trivial "gay qualities" that I have shown before. I want to be part of that community. I want to feel that rush. At the same time, I'm in a great relationship with a lesbian girl, and she loves me very much, but I miss that "rush" we used to feel. I hear people here mentioning genderfluid. I'm not a woman, but I'm thinking of maybe letting myself go and be what I feel like without pressure. Continuing T for the rest of my life and growing into the man I was supposed to be, yet, playing one part of the two in a lesbian relationship.

Who says guys can't have deep emotional relationships? Gender stereotypes /= gender identity, although they can be indicators for some people. It all depends on how you want to define yourself.

Be genderfluid, or even non-binary, crawl down that rabbit hole! If it doesn't seem like wonderland, just crawl back up and out.

It weirds me out that if I was a cisgendered girl I would still probably be (transgender) genderqueer. At the my core I'm probably 80% feminine and 40% of whatever else I am (I don't really have a word for it). My gender just sort of blends in the middle (120%), and yet remains as mostly feminine with other non-binary traits (40%). I would call it masculine, but it just doesn't express the 40% adequately.

Confusing to others, yes. Confusing to me, not at all (well not anymore at least).

-Skye

Quote from: BearGuy on April 11, 2013, 02:35:24 AMI'm thinking of maybe letting myself go and be what I feel like without pressure.

An excellent idea! Do what works for you. Be who you are. All those cliche things that are true.
Personally, though, I'd also be wary of identifying according to a relationship, but that's just due to my own experiences.

Hmmm, curious very curious (strokes goatee), lol.

It's hard for me to understand how a man could want to hold onto a lesbian identity. Men are not lesbians. Of course because of the unfortunate circumstance of being born in the wrong body you did pose as a lesbian for awhile.

You could detransition if you want to. Of course you could. I see you said you don't want to...so you have to let go of that identity you had. It's all down to what is more important to you. Is the community and dynamics of being in a lesbian relationship more desirable than being comfortable in the skin you're in?

No right or wrong in it. Just gotta figure out what you want more is all.

I'm going to somewhat echo what others have said here and advise to steer clear of stereotyping or categorizing certain types of relationships. I've seen lesbians who have really beautiful relationships because they've had to fight just to be together and have their love acknowledged, and they remain in love in spite of that. But you know what? I have seen some nasty, trashy lesbians too, who objectify each other and sometimes act even worse than a typical straight guy.

I guess I'm a bit confused because I'm of a very anti-essentialist camp. What about two women, or about lesbians, is inherently different at the core than the love between any other two people?

Just call yourself queer. Then you can keep your label and still feel semi-connected to your past.

It's true too though. You lived as a woman. That's part of you. A normal straight man doesn't have anything like that in the least.

Some lesbians may not accept you anymore, so be prepared if you want to hang on to some of your identity. Female only spaces will be awkward.