Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey folks,  so earlier I sent the following message to a friend who I respect a great deal but don't talk to all that often.  They know I'm trans, but I haven't gotten any indication from them how they feel about this, so I sent the following message:

This is probably the most awkward letter I've ever attempted to write as I appear to be writing to ask whether you harbor any prejudice against me on account of my being trans
I'll go back aways.
The last time you were in Seattle, I had obviously changed my appearance already and had explicitly told a number of my friends what was going on.
I really wanted to tell you, but found myself unable to do so because I was pretty scared that you might tell me to knock it off.
I hope this doesn't sound weird but I look up to you. I've always enjoyed your company and talking about ideas like an ---redacted----. I enjoy that we seem to share much of the same perverse sense of humor and I guess I've come to think of you as something if a role model.
And then I thought
"Does ---person's name--- even believe that being trans is a real thing?"
Because a lot of people don't.
A lot of second wave feminists seem hate those of us who would self identify as women. I've read all those arguments and I can take them apart, and I have taken them apart, and I still believe that who I feel I am is legitimate.
But if you agreed with those points of view, that would be really hard for me because I really respect you. Which means I 've sort of accidentally given you the power to threaten my sense of who I am.
That scares me.
A lot.
Because you see, for the first time in my life I feel at peace with myself. I'm slowly starting feel at home in my own skin and I think I've become a better person and while I may have made the choice to start transitioning, the idea of having to stop, of going back to living as a man, I can't do it. It's literally the worst thing I can imagine. The only equivalent terror is when I think Saxa has hurt herself.
I guess i thought you'd maybe say something, or ask me how I was doing or something, but you haven't and so now I'm writing you a letter, sounding like a crazy person. Sort of asking if you hate me?
That seems really insulting, like I should know you better than that.
So I'm sorry for fearing that you might think ill of me, but if it helps I wouldn't be writing this were it not for the fact that I think you're a pretty amazing person and your opinion matters a lot to me.
How do you sign off on something like this?
-Rowan.

The reply I got was kurt and Said she did not appreciate "being accused of something" and gave life reasons (perfectly legitimate ones) for having possibly seemed distant.

And now I can't decide whether my letter was actually insulting/accusatory or not.  I tried to make it clear that the subject matter was my fears, and not any perceived reality of hers, but I guess those two things are hard to disentwine.
Thoughts please, was my letter rude?

I don't think it was rude but it depends on the person and how they take things like that. I would have been terribly flattered that you care what I though so much. But, I don't know how close this person is to you. If I were really close to someone (or had been in the past) and they wrote this, I might feel offended that they didn't know me better than this. Since you don't talk to her often, that doesn't seem like the case.

However, this part is concerning:

QuoteBut if you agreed with those points of view, that would be really hard for me because I really respect you. Which means I 've sort of accidentally given you the power to threaten my sense of who I am.

Quote from: Rowan Rue on April 20, 2013, 12:59:42 PM
Thoughts please, was my letter rude?

No, not rude. Very honest and complimentary in parts.

But writing is very low-def communication. Nuance and feeling are hard to express and easy to misinterpret and it's a lot easier to misread than mishear.

I'd definitely suggest calling or skyping if you want to follow up.

I hope you can patch things up.

Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on April 20, 2013, 01:15:10 PM

However, this part is concerning:
But if you agreed with those points of view, that would be really hard for me because I really respect you. Which means I 've sort of accidentally given you the power to threaten my sense of who I am.

How so?  Are you concerned for my well being?  Or that the sentiment was inappropriate?

Because if it's the former then yeah, that's kind of the crux of the whole thing.  I do pretty well but I still have days when I really doubt myself and those hateful opinions can start to creep in. 
I mean the issue here for me emotionally is not whether my friend is a biggot, it's whether I might be wrong about myself and that all the hateful views of the radfems might be right.
It's that fear that's been lurking around the edge of my friendship with this person (I've felt pretty ignored by her and a few other people) that was the reason I wrote the letter  :-\

Quote from: suzifrommd on April 20, 2013, 01:18:08 PM
No, not rude. Very honest and complimentary in parts.

But writing is very low-def communication. Nuance and feeling are hard to express and easy to misinterpret and it's a lot easier to misread than mishear.

I'd definitely suggest calling or skyping if you want to follow up.

I hope you can patch things up.

Maybe, I got a pretty clear, "I'm too busy for this" vibe :/

My interpretation would be that she went on the defensive because she is feeling guilty for not getting in touch, and is a bit awkward around the changes, and maybe even feeling left out / untrusted because you didn't say anything, and she didn't know what to say. Which basically made the letter seem like an attack from her perspective.

To fix it I would go with apologizing for not trusting her (directly, don't do the "I'm sorry you felt this way" thing that everyone hates) and "I'd really like to talk to you / I miss you." If you want to fix it, obviously.

I don't think it was rude; however, I do think the letter could have easily been misconstrued.  The opening of the letter asks her point blank if she is prejudiced.  That can set the tone for the rest of the letter and how she interpreted it.  I think it is clear you mean no harm, but I can see where she is coming from.  Personally, I would have started off acknowledging your paranoia and just asked if she was okay with everything.  Bringing up the idea that she may be prejudice or if she hates you is going to put her in a defensive mode.   I know that wasn't your intention and I'm sorry you are in this situation.  In any event, if she is a good friend, she will understand your explanation/apology and let things go. 

I hope things clear up between you two.

Quote from: Rowan Rue on April 20, 2013, 01:27:38 PM

Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on April 20, 2013, 01:15:10 PM

However, this part is concerning:
But if you agreed with those points of view, that would be really hard for me because I really respect you. Which means I 've sort of accidentally given you the power to threaten my sense of who I am.

How so?  Are you concerned for my well being?  Or that the sentiment was inappropriate?

Because if it's the former then yeah, that's kind of the crux of the whole thing.  I do pretty well but I still have days when I really doubt myself and those hateful opinions can start to creep in. 
I mean the issue here for me emotionally is not whether my friend is a biggot, it's whether I might be wrong about myself and that all the hateful views of the radfems might be right.
It's that fear that's been lurking around the edge of my friendship with this person (I've felt pretty ignored by her and a few other people) that was the reason I wrote the letter  :-\

Mostly concerned for your wellbeing. I wouldn't personally be offended by the sentiment, but someone else might be freaked out by it. I don't know. I've often been called a very intense person, so I'm kind of sensitive to statements that may read to someone else as 'very intense' or 'scary'. But I doubt that statment was what she was reacting to.

Thanks everyone, I'm actually relieved to hear that I messed up the tone.  I find problems are much easier to fix if I'm the one in the wrong!
Think I'll wait until I'm feeling a bit more healed.  36hrs after surgery while dopey on pain meds was probably not the best time to write emotionally charged letters to friends.
Doh!

Quote from: Rowan Rue on April 20, 2013, 01:58:36 PM
Thanks everyone, I'm actually relieved to hear that I messed up the tone.  I find problems are much easier to fix if I'm the one in the wrong!
Think I'll wait until I'm feeling a bit more healed.  36hrs after surgery while dopey on pain meds was probably not the best time to write emotionally charged letters to friends.
Doh!

Oh well that explains everything! Tell her that.

I don't think your letter was accusatory at all. I mean you two haven't talked in awhile and most people would consider it perfectly reasonable and would prob be flattered by your letter that you care that much about them and their opinion and friendship. I don't want to read too much into her response but when people get defensive or dismissive and try to turn the tables, it's because they are projecting and it's because possibly you are right that she does have a problem. But that's pure speculation on my part so take it with a grain of salt.

I'll volunteer to give the blunt reply. I'm good at that.

"The reply I got was kurt and Said she did not appreciate "being accused of something" and gave life reasons (perfectly legitimate ones) for having possibly seemed distant."

That's classic defensive over reactive behaviour. Perhaps she doth protest too much.

As for life reasons, well I think anyone with a brain can think up excuses when it is not in person and they have time to ponder and think before committing to writing them down. I am not saying her reasons are not valid (especially as I don't even know them).

The proper reply from a long time close friend, is to express concern, to allay fears, and to offer an explanation of why she has not been available recently herself.

Jumping on you as if you were saying it was her fault for something, is crazy. If she has a brain worth mention, she'd KNOW how hard all of this was for you, and realize it in the first place. She doesn't strike me as being overly on the ball, or the best at perception.

Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on April 20, 2013, 02:05:59 PM
Oh well that explains everything! Tell her that.

I did but have yet to receive a reply.
I'm going to give it a week so I can heal up and get a little distance and then I'll see how I feel about it all.
I'm glad I sent the letter, even if it was poorly received, because I feel better about myself in that any "power to judge me" I had given her in my mind has evaporated now that I voiced the concern. 
However this plays out I realize I'll be ok.  Saddened perhaps, but ultimately ok.
Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful replies, it's really helpful to be able to ask for this kind of outside view on issues like this.
I love all the different perspectives here and I'm very grateful that I can come here and receive this kind of support  :)

<3's

Quote from: Joanna Dark on April 20, 2013, 02:08:09 PM
I don't think your letter was accusatory at all. I mean you two haven't talked in awhile and most people would consider it perfectly reasonable and would prob be flattered by your letter that you care that much about them and their opinion and friendship. I don't want to read too much into her response but when people get defensive or dismissive and try to turn the tables, it's because they are projecting and it's because possibly you are right that she does have a problem. But that's pure speculation on my part so take it with a grain of salt.

My thoughts parallel what Joanna has said here. In any event I think that I would let an extended time lapse by and see if she surfaces on her own and not overwork it in your own mind in the meantime, sometimes less said is better.