Community Conversation => Transitioning => Topic started by: Erin Kay Howell on April 28, 2013, 02:21:36 AM Return to Full Version
Title: a simply complicated mini vent
Post by: Erin Kay Howell on April 28, 2013, 02:21:36 AM
Post by: Erin Kay Howell on April 28, 2013, 02:21:36 AM
I am so scared right now that all I wanna do is cry.
Im ready to transition and im ready for the changes to start.
Im scared im going to lose myself. My way of thinking and my personality are the only things about me I love.
Im scared that part of him is going to die too.
HRT starts soon.
Im ready to transition and im ready for the changes to start.
Im scared im going to lose myself. My way of thinking and my personality are the only things about me I love.
Im scared that part of him is going to die too.
HRT starts soon.
Title: Re: a simply complicated mini vent
Post by: Cindy on April 28, 2013, 03:23:28 AM
Post by: Cindy on April 28, 2013, 03:23:28 AM
Hi Darling,
Don't fear.
I was like that as well. In fact P did die, it took a while and all of a sudden Cindy realised that P had gone. My brain hasn't, my personality has changed but for the better, the nice things about P are still there, they have just been enhanced. I'm confident and assertive, my thought process hasn't changed. I'm as intelligent or as dumb as I was pre HRT.
It is normal to have fear, particularly in a step like this. If you didn't have fear I would be worried!
In my case P did die, I don't miss him or mourn him; Cindy became the dominant part of me, I love P and I'm so grateful that he looked after me until I was strong enough to live.
He gave his life so I could have life. There is no greater love than that.
Relax and feel your emotions open and your heart swell. HRT is a ride like no other, and to be honest it is wonderful.
Hugs Honey and if you are worried or having problems you can always pm me, as can any member of Susan's.
Cindy
Don't fear.
I was like that as well. In fact P did die, it took a while and all of a sudden Cindy realised that P had gone. My brain hasn't, my personality has changed but for the better, the nice things about P are still there, they have just been enhanced. I'm confident and assertive, my thought process hasn't changed. I'm as intelligent or as dumb as I was pre HRT.
It is normal to have fear, particularly in a step like this. If you didn't have fear I would be worried!
In my case P did die, I don't miss him or mourn him; Cindy became the dominant part of me, I love P and I'm so grateful that he looked after me until I was strong enough to live.
He gave his life so I could have life. There is no greater love than that.
Relax and feel your emotions open and your heart swell. HRT is a ride like no other, and to be honest it is wonderful.
Hugs Honey and if you are worried or having problems you can always pm me, as can any member of Susan's.
Cindy
Title: Re: a simply complicated mini vent
Post by: JennX on April 28, 2013, 09:21:18 AM
Post by: JennX on April 28, 2013, 09:21:18 AM
You won't lose yourself or your personality... unless you choose to change something. I'm still the same person I was before. Same likes, dislikes, values, and preferences. Never liked chocolate, still don't. I find the hardest proposition during transition sometimes is not just convincing yourself of this idea... but others. Even close friends and family. They think that since you may look different, you are a totally a different person on the inside. Which couldn't be further from the truth. Your life up to this point, past, history, and accomplishments have shaped and formed you in to the person you are today. No amount of meds or surgeries will change that.
As a side note: I never ascribed to the whole my "male name" had to die so my "female name" could live. Some aspects of ones behavior, personality, even your legal name & gender might change... but at the core and as a whole, IMHO & IMHE, we are still the same people. We may change and adapt, in a somewhat drastic fashion... but the death of one's identity, is something I don't agree with regardless of transition. Your identity made you who you are and defines you as a being. Male, female, tall, short, gay, straight, etc. are labels. Your identity is special and unique to you and needs not conform to societal labeling.
As a side note: I never ascribed to the whole my "male name" had to die so my "female name" could live. Some aspects of ones behavior, personality, even your legal name & gender might change... but at the core and as a whole, IMHO & IMHE, we are still the same people. We may change and adapt, in a somewhat drastic fashion... but the death of one's identity, is something I don't agree with regardless of transition. Your identity made you who you are and defines you as a being. Male, female, tall, short, gay, straight, etc. are labels. Your identity is special and unique to you and needs not conform to societal labeling.
Title: Re: a simply complicated mini vent
Post by: Tristan on April 28, 2013, 09:25:09 AM
Post by: Tristan on April 28, 2013, 09:25:09 AM
They are right you won't loss yourself or anything like that during transition. You will still be you. Judy maybe look a little different.
Title: Re: a simply complicated mini vent
Post by: StellaB on April 28, 2013, 09:56:03 AM
Post by: StellaB on April 28, 2013, 09:56:03 AM
The only thing I've lost from transitioning is a false image which I kept in society on account of a somewhat deeper voice and a few bits here and there.
I've been Stella all along, and it's been just like in the pantomime when the little boy was actually a female.
It's only a few who think I'm playing the role of dame, but they're the ones who missed the show.
I've been Stella all along, and it's been just like in the pantomime when the little boy was actually a female.
It's only a few who think I'm playing the role of dame, but they're the ones who missed the show.
Title: Re: a simply complicated mini vent
Post by: Erin Kay Howell on April 28, 2013, 10:36:13 AM
Post by: Erin Kay Howell on April 28, 2013, 10:36:13 AM
Thank you all.
I feel a little better but im still scared/excited.
I feel a little better but im still scared/excited.
Title: Re: a simply complicated mini vent
Post by: Ltl89 on April 28, 2013, 11:15:58 AM
Post by: Ltl89 on April 28, 2013, 11:15:58 AM
Hey Erin,
I can sort of relate. I am not on hormones yet, but I get scarred about little silly things. Like I want to appear female and have more feminine characteristics, but I don't want to lose little nerdy things about me. For example, I love listening progressive rock music, reading non fiction and playing video games. I get afraid that I will no longer like these same things which helped define my sense of self over the years. Hormones can have a big impact after all. However, I think these fears are irrational. Hormones can have a big impact on us, but they don't change who we are. Yes, you may look different, feel different, act a little different, but you are and always were Erin. Now, you will just allow her to reach her full potential. Don't get discouraged.
I can sort of relate. I am not on hormones yet, but I get scarred about little silly things. Like I want to appear female and have more feminine characteristics, but I don't want to lose little nerdy things about me. For example, I love listening progressive rock music, reading non fiction and playing video games. I get afraid that I will no longer like these same things which helped define my sense of self over the years. Hormones can have a big impact after all. However, I think these fears are irrational. Hormones can have a big impact on us, but they don't change who we are. Yes, you may look different, feel different, act a little different, but you are and always were Erin. Now, you will just allow her to reach her full potential. Don't get discouraged.
Title: Re: a simply complicated mini vent
Post by: JoanneB on April 28, 2013, 01:56:41 PM
Post by: JoanneB on April 28, 2013, 01:56:41 PM
If anything you'll only grow as a person and so much more of your life. It is amazing how much you realize you lost, never allowed yourself to have, or never had.
I am saing this from a position where life is changing for me, yet again. A new job, finally back home with my wife, and a temporary curtailing of my part-time life. I am totally fearfull of loosing, of reverting back to that soul-less unhappy, person I used to be.
I am saing this from a position where life is changing for me, yet again. A new job, finally back home with my wife, and a temporary curtailing of my part-time life. I am totally fearfull of loosing, of reverting back to that soul-less unhappy, person I used to be.
Title: Re: a simply complicated mini vent
Post by: FrancisAnn on April 28, 2013, 02:41:09 PM
Post by: FrancisAnn on April 28, 2013, 02:41:09 PM
"I'm not trans anything, I am woman" to me is one of the best ways to just relax, you are a woman, just dress, act, etc.., everything as normal. Just be normal. Try not to get excited, look at it like it's just another day. Dress nice, be confident & you will fell good.
Enjoy your life young girl, be happy, smile.
Enjoy your life young girl, be happy, smile.
Title: Re: a simply complicated mini vent
Post by: Erin Kay Howell on April 28, 2013, 02:53:49 PM
Post by: Erin Kay Howell on April 28, 2013, 02:53:49 PM
<3
<3
<3
I really needed this thank you :D
(the pronouns give me butterflies hehe)
<3
<3
I really needed this thank you :D
(the pronouns give me butterflies hehe)