Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi Girls

I hear that a lot of trans people felt that they knew that they were born in the wrong body for as long as they can remember,

However i feel that for me this wasn't the case. Although iv'e always had a sneaking suspicion that i may not be in the right body, i always believed that i would be able to live as a man. For example during my teen years i would occasionally cross dress and then after a few months throw all the clothes away, i was happy doing this at the time.

I have gradually found it harder and harder to throw the clothes away and ditch my feminine side, and i feel that for the past six or seven years my "male" side is being overthrown by my female persona (i'm 25 by the way). I am coming to the dawning realisation that i am in fact a transexual. I feel the pressure of the situation is beginning to overwhelm me, i have always been quiet and shy and i dream of being a confident woman. I look at everyone confident and happy in there own bodies, and i feel jealous and saddened that i am not. I slowly am coming to the conclusion that the     only way i am going to happy is if i start addressing my need to be female, see a therapist and start transitioning.

I suppose what i would like to know is whether my story rings true with any of you ladies.
When did you start realising you were in the wrong body? was it a gradual thing or did you know for certain from a young age?

Lots of love
Zoe
xx

I I did a recovery program in January.....
Wasn't just for drugs or alcohol in my case...

I had a lot to deal with  ..was am abused spouse....
Very very poor judgement in men...

I wanted to know why I subconsciously pick men who
Mistreat me ....for that I had to go I to intensive therapy groups
And tell my life line to everyone. .all guys.

I laid it out ..what I am ...and the day it happened.  I no longer took
Shame in being transexual...

I still suck at picking boyfriends though

There are a lot of assumptions made by the transgender community and many will say "I knew when I was three" and in some cases it has a lot to do with self validation and justification. I had some twinges and episodes as a kid but it never really struck me between the eyes until I was twenty and I stuffed it until I was fifty. I am seventy as of this August and have been out and on HRT for almost nineteen years. I know there are many more like myself that for various reasons suppressed their obsessive desire to realize their female side for far too long, some like me who will never experience the fullness of it in this life.

at age 37 I can look back from today through my years back to about 11 and one constant is my feminine view and traits.  My response to them has varied but their presence in my life has not.  That alone is my evidence which has led to my acceptance.  What remains is how I respond to have the highest quality of life going forward.  I have to consider me, those I love and the broader world in response to my decisions, but whatever I decide, my status as a woman will remain as unchanged as it has been for all of my life to this point.

I urge all of us to look at ourselves in a similar manner, not dissecting a moment or a response but considering our whole life experience.  I have no hang ups on the fact that I didn't know from age 3, or that I enjoyed playing baseball and basketball as a kid, or anything else for that matter.  I don't get bent out of shape that I thought I was a cross dresser for years.  That also allows me to view my future without a predetermined outcome that fits in a "trans normal" category if you will.

Peace and serenity to you...

i realized it at i think my parents said age 8 and started to come to terms with it in the long term psychiatric clinic at 13

This is sort of hard to answer.

I would describe my childhood as somewhat bigender.  I did normal boy things, but also did girly things.  When I was 6, my sister and I would dress up and pretend to be female celebrities.  We were like twins and would always do girly things together.  At school, I remember at times feeling jealous of the other girls and wanting to play with them.  Still, I never questioned my gender and had a boy side to me.  I never really would have describe myself as a girl and would say I didn't have a childhood that different from that of a normal male.

My revelation that something was different came around the age of 11.  By that time, I started to see the effects of puberty.  It really made me go crazy.  I did not like it.  I remember feeling intensely jealous of the other girls. By then, I was no longer dressing or playing with my sister.  So, I started to secretly dress and it would make me feel better about myself.  I wouldn't of said I was a girl or transsexual though because I didn't understand what that meant.  At that point, I would have said I was a male who REALLY wanted to be a girl.  And I hated myself for it and went through years of depression and isolation because of it.

By the age of 18, I had learned what being transsexual/transgender meant and knew that this applied to me.  It was difficult, but I couldn't deny that this described me to a t.  So, even though I would say I discovered everything by 11, I would say that I didn't come to terms with being trans until I was 18. 

Don't let the trans narrative get to you.  It applies to some of us and not others.  That doesn't invalidate your feelings or experiences. 

.

I started having transgendery thoughts when I was 12 (or maybe 13?).  I never did anything about it because I had myself convinced that if I ignored it long enough it would go away and nobody would ever have to know.  I moved away from home for college, and that gave me enough freedom to ask questions without risking anybody walking in on me.

I finally came to terms with myself last August (at 24) when I realized that fighting against being trans was severely affecting my life.  Even then, I wasn't able to fully accept myself until last February.  It's been an interesting journey!

I agree with learningtolive, don't let the "I knew when I was 3" narrative scare you.  It may make for a good TV sympathy story, but I'm guessing most people know when they're a bit older.

The first trans feeling I remember was when I was 14 with my first girlfriend, wishing I was the one with the vagina. I spent my adult life thinking it would be much better if I had been born female.

But it didn't occur to me I might be Trans until last year at age 50 when I started putting all the puzzle pieces together.

Childhood, first grade. I always knew that I was meant to become a physical girl/woman. I've always been one on the inside/mentally. Like Suzi I've always wanted a vagina & a normal woman's body to enjoy good active sex with boys/men.

Well, I first actively thought about it at the beginning of puberty. However, I had a long prior history of make-believe involving female characters. At that time, I was convinced the actual transgender process was a far inferior substitute for the real thing, and not worth the effort.
It still took me twelve-thirteen years to come to terms with it, though. Including a strong try at a normal life by way of a girlfriend. Eventually, though, I had to face it and, facing it, gave in. One year later, I've never been happier to give in to anything in my life - although that might be the hormones talking. :)

I never really thought about it until puberty. As a child though I was very feminine acting but was oblivious to it. My parents never really tried to force the whole "men act like this" crap on me and I was an only child so I remained blissfully ignorant.  Once puberty struck though and the girls began changing into women I started to feel something was wrong with me.  I started to get depressed and angry about it from 12 to 13.  I began to flunk out of school.  At 14 I told my mother that I wished I had been born female and that year I also failed the 8th grade.  My mother pretty much thought I was being silly at the time and was more concerned about me failing the 8th grade. Plus this was the 80's taking your child to the therapist for gender issues wasn't done.

So I left public school and went to a new private school in 9th grade, this was to avoid me repeating the 8th grade. I passed all their entrance tests so I guess I was as smart as a 9th grader should be.  At this point I decided to shape up and get my academic life in order.  I became a A/B student and shoved any misgendered feelings to the back of my mind.

It took me a long time after that to come to terms with being transgender.  I honestly did not know about transsexuals until I was around 20 years old. Had no idea it was even possible to actually change your gender.  Once I learned though I started to think about it, I still didn't know anything about it or how it was done, but a seed was planted. I also began wondering about my sexuality since I was attracted to men or at least penises as well as women. I thought I might be gay. But in my mid-twenties I pretty much went back into denial and tried to be "normal." I purged my small stash of female clothes and porn and started dating women for the first time. I did everything that a good little heterosexual white male should, which led to me to getting married. Also remember until I was around 25 years old there really was not much of an internet so for the most part I was still in the dark about the process of transitioning, but as my denial began to wane I started using it more and more in my late 20's and really started to learn about being transgender. Finally at the age of 31, I came out to my wife that I wanted to transition to a woman.  That did not go so well, and since her reaction was not very good it kept me from telling anyone else, like my parents, and I went back into the closet for a few more years.  Finally, after we separated when I was 38, I came out and told everyone that I was going to transition.  So I guess it took me half my life to come to terms with it.

Sometimes I wonder what path my life would have taken if there had been good easily accessible information out there in my youth like there is today.  It sucks really, I would like to have my youth back.

Quote from: Sadie on May 05, 2013, 02:57:23 PM


Sometimes I wonder what path my life would have taken if there had been good easily accessible information out there in my youth like there is today.  It sucks really, I would like to have my youth back.

This is the six million dollar question that many of us share in common! I hadn't considered moving on my own feelings until one of the perverts at work showed me a page in his porn magazine and there was a photo of an attractive blonde woman standing in a doorway leaning against the door jamb and OMG she had a penis! Not that any completed woman would really want to have a penis, but it set my mind racing about the possibilities that I had previously been ignorant about.

I pretty much knew I didn't want to be a boy at age 6 and at age 10 I convinced myself I was intersexed after reading a medical dictionary. I certainly knew for a fact at age 15. And age 20, I actively wanted to transition. And I have been pursuing congruency in one form or another since then.

Puberty didn't have a great effect on me other then convincing me there was something srsly wrong with me. I had a lot of girlfriend though despite this fact. I never pursued them they pursued me. And I liked that I won't lie but that could be that I like the validation. But also when I was 16 me and my friend had a foot race and then he tackled me and straddled me at the end and I really liked that too. I liked it alot. But that's more sexuality then being trans aware. He also thought I was trans because he said stuff to me all the time, and especially brought up that a high suicide rate exists after getting a sex change.

Sometimes I don't think I am trans and I have just convinced myself of it because I'm pretty androgynous, I have very delicate features, and look like every female member of my family and nothing like any male members and I am reminded of that alot. I guess I won't know until I fully transition but I am pretty happy right now and am enjoying some of the recent attention I have been getting from men.

I began identifying with the female gender, and identifying more with girls, pretty much as early as about 2nd grade. Although I was NOT consciously aware of this at the time. I had no reason at the time to doubt that I was anything but a normal boy, and it's only by looking back that I can really realize "oh yeah, so that's why I was acting this way."

I first became consciously aware that I was identifying more with the female gender, and was actually kind of jealous of them, around age 13.

Official gender dysphoria, where I actually started hating my body and consciously wishing that I could be a girl, started around age 14-15, at about the same time as my voice started changing, I started growing body hair everywhere, and a certain lower member started getting bigger.

The first time I really realized that it was possible that the label "transsexual" was what I was feeling, that also came around age 15 or so. Although at the time, despite how strong my feelings of dysphoria were, and despite how much I wished I could be female, I refused to apply that label to myself due to misinformation about what being transsexual meant.

After two years of gender dysphoria nearly completely consuming me, and interfering with just about every single facet of my very livelihood, I converted to Christianity at age 17. At that point, I started viewing my gender-related desires as sinful, and something that I had to just get over, and started to try just being happy as a guy. For the next 10 years, I suppressed it with varying degrees of success. It was easier to ignore during the happier periods of my life, specifically when I fell in love for the first time, but the feelings of gender dysphoria, and that identification that I had with the female gender, NEVER went away, despite how many times I tried to "rebuke Satan" to make them stop, and despite how much I told myself "just be happy as a guy. It's what God gave you. Embrace it!"

At age 26, after an entire college career of never living up to my full potential, I decided "all right, fine, if I want to express these feminine desires, who says that I can't? Let's go back to wearing short shorts, and shaving my legs, and doing all of the things that I've always wished I could do. Who says that I have to be a girl in order to do those things?" So I started dressing again, and started doing the feminine things I always wished I could do, like shaving my legs and acting more effeminate. And, well, even then, it still didn't work. I still felt like someone that I wasn't... a guy trying to act like a girl. It wasn't enough. I still wanted to actually be a girl. And I was still jealous every single time I saw a woman.

At age 27, I officially accepted that I was transsexual. I realized that nothing I was ever going to be able to do as a guy was ever going to cure my dysphoria, and that the only solution was to transition. I started HRT almost immediately, and I seriously could not be happier with my decision. The only thing left that's bothering me is how damned long HRT is taking. But at the same time, for the first time in my entire life, the dysphoria is easing. For the first time, I'm actually starting to feel comfortable with who I am, and feeling able to truly express myself, and feel like my mind is actually working in the way it should be.

I don't think the reality of it, and the true "coming to terms with it," though, started until I got my official lab results back about 3 months into HRT which said that I really was 100% hormonally female... that my T levels and E levels were now no different from that of a genetic female. That moment just blew my mind, and really made me start realizing that I was a woman... not just a guy who wanted to be a girl anymore, but really, truly, female. And it's an ongoing process as I explore this new self and truly do come to terms with the fact that my future is now as a woman, and I really am going to grow up to have boobs and hips and wearing dresses, not just in some mental fantasy-land, but actually in real life! I love it! :D

This is just one girl's experience of course, but yeah, that's what it was like for me.

I was sure I wanted to be a girl before I was in kindergarten. But actually come to terms with being trans? I don't think I'm there yet and I've lived fulltime for 7 years.

I wasn't aware of anything being wrong until puberty began. Then when I was 12 I read an article about someone who'd transitioned (though it wasn't called that then). I remember going cold and thinking 'God... I'll have to do that.'

Then till I was about 20 I was able to convince myself that I was just trying to 'understand women better' so that I'd be more attractive to them. It didn't work  :(

After that I spent twenty years alternating between trying to make being a man work, and identifying as a  cross-dresser but ruling out transition because I'd never be able to cope with it.

But last summer it felt like my head was going to explode if I kept it up any longer, so I said to myself 'Right, I'm going to turn round and entertain the idea of transitioning because that's the one thing I've never tried in all this time. If it doesn't work I can always come back here and try and think of something else.'

Er... and here I am now with a new ambiguous name and a stylish wardrobe of androgynous clothes.

Quote from: Fezzika on May 05, 2013, 03:55:01 PM

Renee, by the pics I've seen of you, I would have no idea you weren't female.  And to think you haven't done much in the way of medical assistance to make changes makes me jealous.

Aww, thank you. Now how much did Shan and Jamie pay you to post that?   ;)  :P

It pretty much hit me like a bolt of lightning when I was 32 that I would be much happier as a woman. Looking back, I can see hints and clues... but I don't know how much of that is that it IS in hindsight, now. At the time, I had no clue, and I still feel that I lived contentedly as a boy and a man for years.  Finally I decided to try the first steps of transition and see if that worked to "test" whether I really am trans. I loved it and couldn't imagine stopping, so I guess the answer's yes. ;)

(I also don't think I wasin the wrong body; this is my body, it just had some features I eventually didn't like. With the exception of GRS, all those were corrected simply by hormones inducing a female puberty and giving me the more feminine version of myself that's encoded in my DNA - I like to think of it that way, that this is the "alternate me" now rather than that my previous body was wrong. I love that I see bits of my mom and sister in the mirror now, for example, and I wouldn't want to be in a totally different body.)

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days. I remember when I was may be around 7 or 8 and playing with my sisters dolls. I never liked playing rough physical games and preferred the company of girls.
When I was around 11 I remember reading in one of my mothers womens magazines about someone who became a woman and wishing I could have the treatment.
Around 13 or 14 my parents trusted me enough to be left at home on my own during the school holidays. When on my own I would try on my mothers clothes. I would do this right up until I moved out of my parents home.
We got internet at home when I was around 19 and I started reading about transsexualism.
I was scared of the reaction of my family if I came out so tried extra hard to be man. I joined the army reserve as an infantryman had a few girlfriends and eventually met my now wife and emigrated and got married 4 years ago.
However the feelings have never gone away, and I still dress in secret. I've reached a point where I can't go on as I am. I family had what could be termed as a breakdown and was referred to a therapist.. I had my first session last week and talked about lots of things, but ran out of time before I could get to my gender issues. However I am determined to do so and have my next appointment on Wednesday.  I am very scared and lonely but can't keep going as I am.

As Sadie so aptly said:

Quote from: Sadie on May 05, 2013, 02:57:23 PM
Sometimes I wonder what path my life would have taken if there had been good easily accessible information out there in my youth like there is today.  It sucks really, I would like to have my youth back.

Looking back, I find that there were a metric ton of clues, but various factors prevented me from recognising the implications. Even in kindergarten, I was always more inclined to be lumped in with the girls, rather than the boys. Certain family matters (aka my father very much insisting for me to "become a proper man") led to an atmosphere in which I felt that I should not necessarily express those aspects of my personality, and ended up in my "training" myself to act like a man. Add the fact that I did not realise that it was not normal to feel the need to study stuff like hand gestures in detail in order to be recognised as the assigned gender, or that very few other people went back and forth between being a girl or a boy in their dreams, and you get the recipe for deep, deep denial.

It took the internet to slowly but surely confront me with a reality that went beyond seeing drag queens and thinking: "interesting, but not for me", allowing me to realise that things like transitioning were really possible. If you will, a childhood dream suddenly being recognised as something that is attainable, and no longer just relegated to the realm of fantasy.  :angel:

I knew from a very early age of around 4. My actions as a child also supported this as well.

My dad said he knew I was different at the age of 2. I think I came to term with it between the ages of 7-10 I would pray to god that I would somehow magically wake up and be a girl!

Quote from: Renee on May 05, 2013, 04:28:35 PM
Aww, thank you. Now how much did Shan and Jamie pay you to post that?   ;)  :P

Hahaha don't listen to her Fezzika, she's a conspiracy theorists!  ;D

At about 5 I went to my Mom with my sisters cloths on and make-up. I was very happy and excited to show her. I then had a traumatic experiance. At 7 I wanted to remove my gonads, but could not follow through, and at 11 whem my voice cracked I wanted to throw myself off a 90 foot bridge, just could not do it. I definately knew I was not a boy at 7 and I did not want to be a boy at 5.

I'm with Jenn, same age, same thoughts, usual dressing up and finally getting caught. 

Thought i was completely alone until about 10, when browsing through stacks of used books, discovered (and devoured on the spot) Conundrum by Jan Morris. 

At which point i had a lot of new words, including transsexual. 

Your answer depends on whether you want to know when i knew, when i had the concept, or six years later when i had an actual word to go with the concept. 

Quote from: JennX on May 05, 2013, 06:05:14 PM
I knew from a very early age of around 4. My actions as a child also supported this as well.

I knew when I started JK, but my parents knew before me, apparently when I was a toddler.
But, until I was 9 they kept trying to treat me as a boy. Refused to accept that Im a girl until I ran away from home...I then got counselling and when I was old enough I was started on a tblocker and a year later, estrogen.so Im so glad I never had a male pubrty!

Quote from: dlee on May 05, 2013, 06:30:58 PM
My dad said he knew I was different at the age of 2. I think I came to term with it between the ages of 7-10 I would pray to god that I would somehow magically wake up and be a girl!

My parents and family were the same way. But at some point they give up on trying to make you behave the way they want you to be haha

Quote from: Shantel on May 05, 2013, 09:59:30 AM...I stuffed it until I was fifty. I am seventy as of this August and have been out and on HRT for almost nineteen years. I know there are many more like myself...who will never experience the fullness of it in this life.

Shantel,

This is a sad thought, and your numbers hit me between the eyes. I will be turning 50 in August, at the very beginning of my (hoped for) transition. When I think of myself at 70, I wonder whether transition will actually be worth all of the pain and disruption since I'm starting so late. Sometimes I think I should just accept that the ship has sailed and ride it out in the gender role I was born into. (Another very sad thought...)

Knowing what you know, would you do it all again?

Ive known I was "different" since very young but I didn't have a word to put to it till my teenage years. Even then I was in denial till a rather horrible emotional breakdown last summer.

I knew I wanted to transition in my early teens and came out to family in my late teens. Like a lot of people though, for various reasons, it has taken until 39 for me to be able to do something about it. Unfortunately I now have a middle aged male body, so I no longer think transitioning is feasible. I hope to find a way to live with it though, without my current levels of dysphoria which are driving me crazy.

I am 3 years older than you Q and am in the very early stages of transitioning, which probably makes me a bit slow on the uptake. I started because I had to if I was going to get any kind of enjoyment out of life ever and a silly little thing like a body with 4 decades of wear and tear was not going to stop me.

Rosie

Quote from: Rosie on May 06, 2013, 01:13:24 AM
I am 3 years older than you Q and am in the very early stages of transitioning, which probably makes me a bit slow on the uptake. I started because I had to if I was going to get any kind of enjoyment out of life ever and a silly little thing like a body with 4 decades of wear and tear was not going to stop me.

Rosie

Rosie, thank you for the nice encouragement. I agree age, per se, isn't necessarily a problem. (My dr told me his oldest patient was almost 90!). I am talking to the drs about it, because, like you, I also felt I couldn't just not do anything about it anymore. I think, for me, though, that full time transition just isn't going to be realistically practical. There are so many reasons why, but hair is my woe of the moment - too far retreated hairline, too fine for fringe / bangs, head too big for wigs, custom wigs expensive, way too much body hair which is blonde therefore not lazerable...

It would be fair to say I'm having a difficult time staying in a positive frame of mind about it at the moment. I'm trying though. Richard O'Brien is kind of inspiring me to think that OK even if transition isn't possible and even if I go completely bald, maybe I'm going to be able to figure something out and make peace with it. I hope so anyway; not easy though!

Quote from: translora on May 06, 2013, 12:01:30 AM
Shantel,

This is a sad thought, and your numbers hit me between the eyes. I will be turning 50 in August, at the very beginning of my (hoped for) transition. When I think of myself at 70, I wonder whether transition will actually be worth all of the pain and disruption since I'm starting so late. Sometimes I think I should just accept that the ship has sailed and ride it out in the gender role I was born into. (Another very sad thought...)

Knowing what you know, would you do it all again?

Ideally if I had been somewhere around 20 and I didn't have a lot of people that I love more than myself counting on me, yes I would go all the way in a heartbeat. At the present time I can look back and still say yes, even though I started way late and the outcome is now and will be less than stellar. But it's not really about looks or outcome, it's about being who I really am and the inner peace that still makes it worth it even though I continue to live with one foot on either side of the gender fence in which case I am (non-binary) not bound to or self identifying to either gender completely.

Quote from: translora on May 06, 2013, 12:01:30 AM
Shantel,

This is a sad thought, and your numbers hit me between the eyes. I will be turning 50 in August, at the very beginning of my (hoped for) transition. When I think of myself at 70, I wonder whether transition will actually be worth all of the pain and disruption since I'm starting so late. Sometimes I think I should just accept that the ship has sailed and ride it out in the gender role I was born into. (Another very sad thought...)

Knowing what you know, would you do it all again?

I first discovered I was trans last year when I was 50.

The way I see it, I've only got one life. I'm not going to get another chance to live. So I'm going to live the rest of this one as my true gender.

Quote from: suzifrommd on May 06, 2013, 10:10:40 AM

Quote from: translora on May 06, 2013, 12:01:30 AM
Shantel,

This is a sad thought, and your numbers hit me between the eyes. I will be turning 50 in August, at the very beginning of my (hoped for) transition. When I think of myself at 70, I wonder whether transition will actually be worth all of the pain and disruption since I'm starting so late. Sometimes I think I should just accept that the ship has sailed and ride it out in the gender role I was born into. (Another very sad thought...)

Knowing what you know, would you do it all again?

I first discovered I was trans last year when I was 50.

The way I see it, I've only got one life. I'm not going to get another chance to live. So I'm going to live the rest of this one as my true gender.

Listen to Suzi.
And besides at 50 or even 70, who knows how long you'll live? Do you want to live another 30, 40, even 50 years in misery because of a time/realization miscalculation in your youth?
People tend to discount the second half of their lives. Since when is the first half of your life the only part worth living? A sad result of our youth obsessed culture (I blame the hippies lol).

Fifty (or 50+) is as good a time to start transition as any other.  There is still life ahead and a better life living as who you always should have been.

I waited for my kids to be grown before I transitions (a personal decision, right for me, not necessarily right for everyone).  I'm now 68 and happy I transitioned (I have not had surgery for medical reasons) I have lived fulltime as a woman for 15 years and am happy.

I agree at that Age it seems like. It could be great for so many reasons like your settled down

Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on May 06, 2013, 10:19:37 AM
I first discovered I was trans last year when I was 50.

The way I see it, I've only got one life. I'm not going to get another chance to live. So I'm going to live the rest of this one as my true gender.


Listen to Suzi.
And besides at 50 or even 70, who knows how long you'll live? Do you want to live another 30, 40, even 50 years in misery because of a time/realization miscalculation in your youth?
People tend to discount the second half of their lives. Since when is the first half of your life the only part worth living? A sad result of our youth obsessed culture (I blame the hippies lol).

This is what I said in it's total context. My point being that once being fully committed to family and marriage to a good woman who I love more than my own life, the time trickled by until throwing them away for my own selfish desires was and is no longer an option. Had I been young, there would be no question that I would have been long since past SRS by now and moving on with my life.

Quote from: Shantel on May 05, 2013, 09:59:30 AM
There are a lot of assumptions made by the transgender community and many will say "I knew when I was three" and in some cases it has a lot to do with self validation and justification. I had some twinges and episodes as a kid but it never really struck me between the eyes until I was twenty and I stuffed it until I was fifty. I am seventy as of this August and have been out and on HRT for almost nineteen years. I know there are many more like myself that for various reasons suppressed their obsessive desire to realize their female side for far too long, some like me who will never experience the fullness of it in this life.

Quote from: Shantel on May 06, 2013, 11:23:38 AM

Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on May 06, 2013, 10:19:37 AM
I first discovered I was trans last year when I was 50.

The way I see it, I've only got one life. I'm not going to get another chance to live. So I'm going to live the rest of this one as my true gender.


Listen to Suzi.
And besides at 50 or even 70, who knows how long you'll live? Do you want to live another 30, 40, even 50 years in misery because of a time/realization miscalculation in your youth?
People tend to discount the second half of their lives. Since when is the first half of your life the only part worth living? A sad result of our youth obsessed culture (I blame the hippies lol).

This is what I said in it's total context. My point being that once being fully committed to family and marriage to a good woman who I love more than my own life, the time trickled by until throwing them away for my own selfish desires was and is no longer an option. Had I been young, there would be no question that I would have been long since past SRS by now and moving on with my life.

Quote from: Shantel on May 05, 2013, 09:59:30 AM
There are a lot of assumptions made by the transgender community and many will say "I knew when I was three" and in some cases it has a lot to do with self validation and justification. I had some twinges and episodes as a kid but it never really struck me between the eyes until I was twenty and I stuffed it until I was fifty. I am seventy as of this August and have been out and on HRT for almost nineteen years. I know there are many more like myself that for various reasons suppressed their obsessive desire to realize their female side for far too long, some like me who will never experience the fullness of it in this life.

Oh, I wasn't referencing your post hon. Everybody has different circumstances. And medical transitioning may not be an option for some due to age, health issues, family situation, etc. The point is you're out living your life.

Thanks, just thought I would clarify that, and I don't have any criticism for those that forge ahead leaving all the commitments in the dust, everyone is different and the desires that drive us may be too compelling to resist. So to be clear, there is no condemnation coming from this old gal.

Shantel (and all),

Thanks for the replies and encouragement. You give me hope.

I think my issue is mostly that my own gender discomfort is not really debilitating. I've learned how to function as a man, and could continue doing so. But the better me is hidden. Letting her out would be disruptive. The path of least resistance is certainly to not cross that threshold.

But if I'm true to myself, I go forward into transition, not knowing what will come, just sensing that it is right for me despite the disruption.

I, too, have loved ones who will be affected, including two small children. Sometimes transition feels like putting my own needs ahead of theirs. Other times it feels like I need to do it in order to be the best parent and spouse that I can be.

From you all, I'm hearing that 50 isn't too late to start (as long as expectations stay reasonable). And I'm hearing the same from my gender therapist.

But I struggle.

Lora

Quote from: translora on May 06, 2013, 12:01:46 PM
Shantel (and all),

Thanks for the replies and encouragement. You give me hope.

I think my issue is mostly that my own gender discomfort is not really debilitating. I've learned how to function as a man, and could continue doing so. But the better me is hidden. Letting her out would be disruptive. The path of least resistance is certainly to not cross that threshold.

But if I'm true to myself, I go forward into transition, not knowing what will come, just sensing that it is right for me despite the disruption.

I, too, have loved ones who will be affected, including two small children. Sometimes transition feels like putting my own needs ahead of theirs. Other times it feels like I need to do it in order to be the best parent and spouse that I can be.

From you all, I'm hearing that 50 isn't too late to start (as long as expectations stay reasonable). And I'm hearing the same from my gender therapist.

But I struggle.

Lora

Take it slowly at first, incremental change makes it easy for people to adjust and assimilate what is happening without adverse reactions, ask George Orwell he had it pegged.

Here. Let me show you a picture:

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1207.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fbb474%2FErik_Ullman%2F550362_10201053207560425_666219635_n_zpsc370c9cb.jpg&hash=6bf9b30a94ad3429a4d2974ab84eb6803a840b8f) (http://s1207.photobucket.com/user/Erik_Ullman/media/550362_10201053207560425_666219635_n_zpsc370c9cb.jpg.html)

That's me at a pretty young age. Looking at some of the other photos of me at that age, I don't know why I never thought that I was trans until just recently.

Oh, wait. Yes I do. It was the 70s.

I've always had thoughts. But I've always also rationalized those thoughts away and denied the feelings that I had. Why? Because I never really fit the traditional trans narrative, plus a whole host of other self-image issues. It wasn't until this January did I finally come to the realization of who I really was. I envy all of you who knew at such a young age, with your whole life ahead of you to live as who you are. As for me, I've got 30 years of regrets to live with. 

Transitioning later in life is fine. I know I really didn't do anything about it myself until just before I turned 41 even though I knew I wanted it since I was little. The inquiries I made into it back in the eighties went nowhere, I didn't have a lot of money and lived too far from most places that dealt with it. I figure I still have a bit of life left to live even after 50, so may as well be happier and able to live with myself.

Quote from: Renee on May 05, 2013, 04:28:35 PM
Aww, thank you. Now how much did Shan and Jamie pay you to post that?   ;)  :P

Pfffffft   >:-)

A few months ago!!!  ;)

I haven't started any transition but I finally am starting to accept my trans feelings as true feelings and it feels GREAT!!

oh im almost 19!

My first memory of trans was when  I was 4. I asked my baby-sitter to paint my nails. They were gorgeous. Then my brothers saw them. I was hit and teased till I cried, that was like adding blood to the water. I hid until I was 8, and made the mistake of asking my mother if she would still love me if I had a 'sex-change' (It was the 70's). I didn't talk about it after that. Then, I did something I truly regret. I started to believe that something 'bad' was wrong with me and I had to purge and suppress these feelings. A few years (30), a loving wife, and 2 kids I wouldn't trade the world for later, and here I am. I have tried, I have failed. Now I'm finally doing something for me.

Christy.

I have strong memories of wanting to be a girl in my preteens, but I didn't come to terms with my true feelings until I was 55. This is after two marriages, two kids and two grandkids.

When my Dad passed away a couple of years ago, I cried more than I did in my whole life. I just couldn't stop, and it started a kind of slow-motion emotional landslide. All kinds of surprising memories and other feelings bubbled to the surface, at the most inconvenient times, and it just kind of washed away the last of my resistance.

Still, I felt like a pretender, and was terrified that this was yet another huge mistake I was going to regret.

Now, after two months of HRT, and crying buckets nearly every day for the last two weeks, I am finally starting to feel right. I actually feel more like "myself" after being really emotional. 

Before HRT, I never would have imagined that to feel better, I needed to feel more. Of everything, apparently. :)

I'm a lot like you Zoe, it just got stronger and  harder to ignore overtime.

My transgender identification started in my late teens, 18 was the first time I really started to crossdress and play out female sexual fantasies.

Over the years, I would purge a few times, each time it got harder as I wanted to be fem for longer and more sustained periods. I was in pretty serious denial always trying to convince myself that I didn't want to transition when I knew I wanted to be a woman. I clung onto a miserable relationship I had with a girl at the time, hoping it could get me through and I could be happy.

The final realisation and eventually coming to terms with it came at 23 when she broke up with me, I didn't  have that crutch anymore. Took a few months after that till I was 24 before I finally realised I wanted to transition and I had wanted to for a while. It was actually a youtube clip of a lovely normal transgirl which made me realise.. "I want to be a normal and beautiful girl like her". Before that I didn't know anything about trans stuff, once I started to research it, I realised not only was it possible but also not as difficult as I thought (medically). I wanted to get on HRT but it still took me a few months before I saw a therapist and got on HRT and I'm 25 now.

There was also hints/signs that I wasn't normal but it never really clicked.. I started to get really depressed/anxious after puberty, never really felt comfortable in my own skin but never knew why, always wore androgynous clothing and wanted to grow my hair long. I guess i subconsciously didn't want to present as male. That awareness is not always there for everyone at a young age, it takes time sometimes and it's not that uncommon. There is some evidence that it has to do with how white matter in the brain matures up to 20 to 30 years old, the feminized portion emerges later in some.

So for me it was a gradual realisation over many years.

For me, it took lots of self reflection and several failed relationships with genetic females to come to the conclusion about my transsexual nature. Each time I dwell on the past, my feelings toward my personal femininity get stronger and stronger. I am excited about upcoming meeting with a gender specialist to discuss these feelings in greater depth.   

Not really sure anymore.  I dressed in my sister's clothes when I was young (and nobody was around).  Those memories go back to around 5 or 6 yrs. old.  Ended up going into the military and eventually getting married, all in an effort to live as a man.  Big mistake that I deeply regret.  Anyway, I've never come to terms with who I am, feeling that it is too late to break away.  Rather depressing to think about it.  I'm so happy for all those here that went with their true selves.

Quote from: Katherine on May 11, 2013, 04:49:07 PM
Not really sure anymore.  I dressed in my sister's clothes when I was young (and nobody was around).  Those memories go back to around 5 or 6 yrs. old.  Ended up going into the military and eventually getting married, all in an effort to live as a man.  Big mistake that I deeply regret.  Anyway, I've never come to terms with who I am, feeling that it is too late to break away.  Rather depressing to think about it.  I'm so happy for all those here that went with their true selves.

Several here have done the exact same including myself and are late bloomers, so you're not alone Katherine.

These narratives are as heartbreaking as anything I've ever read, and as hopeful as anything too. It's also incredible how well written and thought out every single story is. I was one of those 3 year olds who knew and told my parents when my dad made my mom keep me out of her makeup and jewelry at 4 that I was in the wrong body. This was in 1958. Being a people pleaser and a very intelligent kid I channeled myself into sports. I was one of those strong, skinny wiry kids who could play any sport and do it fearlessly. I remember my dad used to have Playboys around the house and looking at the photos at 8 and knowing I was in the wrong body. In 1964 there was a movie named "Goodbye Charlie" and the plot was about a guy shot by his wife who falls out of the boat she kills him in and is rescued as a beautiful blonde woman. It was in Playboy magazine and I remember praying for months to wake up as a girl. At 12, my mom recently told me that I crawled onto her lap one night, told her I was meant to be a girl and started crying. I knew without a doubt at 14 and went to the local library for a month straight, checking out a reference book on transsexuality, telling the librarian I was doing a paper on it. After the month she no longer let me see it. A longtime friend told me in 2010 he remembered me as being full of rage when I played sports from 12 to 15. It was the rage of being born a boy. I told my parents at 16, but my mom knew I was getting into her clothes and makeup. They sent me to a psychiatrist, who had my hormones checked. Shock of shocks, I had too much estrogen and too little testosterone. I could go on and on, but to make a depressing story finally turn, I tried to commit suicide on July 12th, 2011, taking 60 methadone pills and a twelve pack of beer. This was my third serious suicide attempt, and I felt I'd finally run out of options. I decided to either try to transition or use a gun the next time and thankfully, I took the former instead of the latter. I'm 20 months into living my life as a woman and I can honestly say it's the first time I've ever really been happy. If you know you're transsexual, Zoe, I don't think you can be happy without becoming who you really are. And like the other girls/women have said, we all have different stories and timelines on when we knew. Don't let not knowing at 3 dissuade you or stop you. In my experience, knowing at a very young age only increased my depression. Good luck, girl, you can do this! Hugs, Mira

Miranda,
      You are so right about this thread and your story is equally as emotionally moving as the others all of which have a similar ring to them. We are not alone here are we dear? Early on we all feel that we are so alone and no-one could possibly understand what we are about. I had that same sense of despair come over me years ago and spent the entire hot summer night on a chaise lounge in my back yard pouring a fifth of vodka down my throat. I loaded my .45 auto and stuck it in my mouth, but it wouldn't fire. I awoke with dried vomit all over myself, got cleaned up and went to work as if nothing had happened. I had thought how selfish my thought of suicide had been and how horrifying it would have been to my loved ones to fine my brains scattered all over the yard. I sought counseling after that and have never looked back.

I think my realization was just slow and steady and always there. Why I didn't like doing all the things other boys did. Why I would always rather be the princess instead of the prince in fairytales and so on. Never played football in shool and would much rather have been in the skirt with pom poms. And then... the worst thing to ever do. Hiding and subdueing the feelings for 20 someodd years. It only gets worst over time. Now life is way more complicated and more difficult to open up and giving into my true self and sharing that with others. Even though I might not have known what it was being really young it was always there in one way or another.

This is my second transition and the last...I am fully understanding
And accepting of what I am now..

My first time I did have some guilt and shame issues over it. 
I never really had a support network when I was younger. 

So st Least I have the experience from a prior transition ..
Its going so smooth for me...just racing hair removal now lol

I was not aware of the word transsexual until I was 12 years old when I came across one of my mother's medical journals. I bookmarked it as a potential future option. I really did not want to be a transsexual. I struck it off as a perversion or some sort of perverse narcissism, as described in one psychology book.

But before I knew the word, I always knew I was different. In kindergarten, aged 5 years, I explained to one of my best friends that I wanted to be a girl, and was baffled that he didn't have a similar sentiment. Anyway, these feelings were persistent and never went away, always a backdrop to every thought.

Genitals never came into the picture really. I wasn't too aware of them. I just thought girls had smooth skin where boys had a dangly bit. That's what I wanted, to be smooth.

Anyway, fast forward to my early twenties, when I got my first fulltime job, and I got a computer with internet. Bam, all the information was within my grasp and nothing could stop me. Within months I was on HRT and over the course of a couple of years I slowly and inexorably transitioned. But I hadn't come to terms with being transsexual. In fact, it took more than a decade to come to terms with it and I even still struggle with it now, hence why I am only now going to have SRS. So I took HRT and then dealt with the self-hatred later :laugh:.

Well, the thing is, probably since I was about 12, but I didn't know it. I spent many, many years thinking a) I just like girls clothes; b) doing manly stuff would prove I wasn't a girl and c) the love of a good woman would cure me.
Over those years I have dressed, purged, done it again, purged before realising what really mattered - I didn't just want to dress, I wanted to be.
I have confessed, but the reaction is, well, it's just a fantasy or sex game. But it isn't. I want to be me.

I have come to see one thing in myself since I've transitioned, am now coming close to physically matching the emotionally female Miranda for two years and SRS is within sight. I'm finally and truly at peace most of the time and happy, and it has brought a real empathy with others, no matter if their burden is physical or mental. With that I realize I was in so much constant physical, mental, and spiritual anguish I couldn't empathize with others, no matter what I believed at the time. And I thought I was a very caring soul. I've considered myself born again for more than thirty five years, but the God I pray to now is far different than the one I cowered under and slaved for a salvation I never believed I would receive. I loathed myself while thinking I was under the condemnation of being transsexual. My heart bursts for all of you women who haven't yet been able to decide if transition is the only real option you have if you're really transsexual, because I know for most of, if not all of you, transition is the only way you'll find happiness in this life and on this planet. And isn't that what we're all trying to find, peace and happiness? God bless us all, we deserve it, along with constant compassion and love. Miranda

Like most of the late transitioners I guess, it took me a long time to get to where I am now in spite of knowing from quite an early age that I felt far more comfortable with women than I did with guys, so this is a little long.

My earliest childhood memories are of playing girls games with the girls in my neighborhood and thinking how much I wanted to be like them. This extended to dressing up as a girl every opportunity I got in spite of learning very quickly that I was doing something I wasn't supposed to do. I also spent  my 7th year of childhood as one of only two boys in a class full of girls, further developing my sense of being a misfit, an outsider.  I wanted to be one of the girls but for them and the rest of environment it simply wasn't on.

I have little recollection of the primary school years afterwards except that for a while, my attraction for all things feminine went into hibernation. The only thing that stands out was life at home where I learned to do all the same things as my two sisters  between whom I was sandwiched , cooking, ironing, housecleaning etc.. Nothing particularly glorious about any of that but it is interesting to note that, of the three boys in the family, I was the only one who went remotely down this route. 

Anyway, with adolescence, the desire to dress as a girl at every possible opportunity came back with a vengeance. All of this was in hiding of course the only exception being a fancy dress party at my school when I was  16 or 17 when I got the chance to out in public as a girl. I can still remember my older sister  doing my make-up and Dad's very obvious misgivings. However I was thrilled...

At the time I also had a hidden collection of girls clothes that my mother stumbled across while cleaning the room I shared with one of my elder brothers. They were not very well hidden. Anyway,  this resulted in a discussion with both my parents where they, like I, were obviously very uncomfortable  and we collectively decided that it was a subject no one wanted to dig into too deeply. The incident was swept under the carpet and never discussed again.

Another one of my own memories concerning all of this was reading an article in either the Sunday Observer or Sunday Times review about  a book called "Conundrum" by one of the first people to have a sex change operation in the UK, Jan Morris.  Without making a complete link with my own attraction for all things feminine and what I I was reading , I was absolutely fascinated and read it over and over again.  I think this was in 1974 when the book was first published.

The last thing of real note from those years  was a period  where , with hindsight, I was clearly suffering from anorexia,  quite unusual for a boy. At age 16 I weighed about 110lbs. This was right in the middle of my adolescence/puberty and, again with hindsight, can probably be interpreted as an unconscious desire not to grow into the man I was becoming in spite of myself.  I succeeded quite well because my puberty only really started when I hit age 18.

Overall, I was deeply unhappy at the time, always feeling I didn't belong and to be honest, this is a sentiment I lived with through a very large part of my life. It was this feeling of not belonging which explained my need to get away from home as quickly as I could, at first to a Jesuit seminary  just after graduating from high school and when that didn't work out,,(it only took 2 months to arrive at that conclusion  :))  by more radical means. My "mal de vivre" was so strong I just had to get away . Result,  a few months before my 19th birthday, I ran away from home  and after a couple of months  working on a farm in Southern Germany, I came to France where, in the greatest act of denial in my life,  I joined the French Foreign Legion. 5 very long years to try sort a few things out in my head. I also saved enough money to be able to finance my studies when I finally got my freedom back.

Straight out of the army, I married the first woman who showed any interest in me resulting in a  very unhappy and violent mariage with only one outcome I can consider positive, the birth of our three kids. In 18 years  of life together , my first wife never once said she loved me.

That I got into such a masochist relationship at all and stayed in it for so long is in itself a statement about how negative I felt about myself.  Things  at last started to change after a week-long  group psychotherapy I did in July 1996. I finally came to see some things that I had been totally blind to up until then and this set off a process I have been moving through ever since.

I started by getting out the very destructive relationship I had with my first wife and used the years between 1999 and 2005 when I met my second, to explore my feminine side far more deeply than I had ever allowed myself up until then.  Among other things, I started going out regularly "en femme"  and got enormous pleasure from the experience.  It felt like a liberation and little by little brought me to realize that I had far more to gain by accepting who I was than constantly running away from it.

Because of this, when I met my second  wife, I very quickly told her about my feminine side which she accepted from the beginning.  She accepting me for who I am is the single most positive thing that has happened to me in all of my life and over the years, this acceptance has allowed us to reach a level of understanding and love as a couple which I had never thought possible. Actually, the difference between my life with second wife and  my first is so great that I still have to almost pinch myself to make sure that it is real.

Her acceptance also created the conditions which allowed me to further explore my feminine identity. In September 2008 I started HRT. The most obvious immediate effect of this was a feeling of inner peace that I had never experienced before. However, when the first physical effects started to manifest themselves ie. the development of breast "buds" I got scared and stopped. I started and stopped again a couple of times between then and September 2010 before finally deciding to fully take the plunge. Since then I have done very complete FFS, beadr removal etc. and each and every one of these  steps has further reinforced  my feeling that I am on the right path.

Today I fully assume my "trans" identity and have never ever been happier with who I am.   I still need to successfully transition at work, a real challenge, but otherwise, it has all worked out remarkably well so far.

Not exactly a simple story but when I was a kid in the nineteen  sixties and early seventies, the subjects we discuss so freely here were simply not on the agenda. I guess that is why we are seeing so many of us transition today in our fifties.

Bises à toutes et à tous!
Donna

Quote from: Miranda Elizabeth on May 14, 2013, 04:27:43 PM
I have come to see one thing in myself since I've transitioned, am now coming close to physically matching the emotionally female Miranda for two years and SRS is within sight. I'm finally and truly at peace most of the time and happy, and it has brought a real empathy with others, no matter if their burden is physical or mental. With that I realize I was in so much constant physical, mental, and spiritual anguish I couldn't empathize with others, no matter what I believed at the time. And I thought I was a very caring soul. I've considered myself born again for more than thirty five years, but the God I pray to now is far different than the one I cowered under and slaved for a salvation I never believed I would receive. I loathed myself while thinking I was under the condemnation of being transsexual. My heart bursts for all of you women who haven't yet been able to decide if transition is the only real option you have if you're really transsexual, because I know for most of, if not all of you, transition is the only way you'll find happiness in this life and on this planet. And isn't that what we're all trying to find, peace and happiness? God bless us all, we deserve it, along with constant compassion and love. Miranda

Hi Miranda,
We both wrote our posts at the same time. I could also say pretty well all the same things as you say above and really believe that by finally accepting who I am, i have become a better person.
Wishing you all the best for your next steps.
Donna

Quote from: Donna Elvira on May 14, 2013, 04:35:05 PM
Hi Miranda,
We both wrote our posts at the same time. I could also say pretty well all the same things as you say above and really believe that by finally accepting who I am, i have become a better person.
Wishing you all the best for your next steps.
Donna

Hi Donna, first, I have to tell you that your photo shows very well the peace you've found since finding your second wife and both of you accepting who you are. Second, I can't believe you can possibly present as male, anywhere, anytime! You're too pretty and femme for your coworkers not to see what's going on. And finally, thank you for your kindness. I'm not sure when I'm getting SRS, but hopefully it will be within a year or considerably less. My mom has offered to pay for my surgery, and being injured, I don't see myself making enough money to save for it. I'm really looking forward to it and so is she. Thanks again, Donna. Hugs, Mira

I knew around 5 that something was going on.  As my mom would do laundry I'd take things from the basket to try on.  I remember her telling me not to let my dad find out, and I am pretty positive that's where the self-induced suppression started.  That young I had no idea what the terminology was, but I did know I preferred girly things and couldn't figure out why it wasn't acceptable.  As I got older, maybe 10 or 11, I saw a talk show where the topic was transsexualism.  I immediately got excited, I finally knew there were other people like me.  My parents made their negative comments about the people on the show and I asked why they had a problem with them.  I grew up in an evangelical christian home so their answer was that those people were going against God and would go to hell.  That tightened my feelings of hiding what I felt.  I didn't want to disappoint my family and I didn't want to disappoint God.  That didn't stop any of the crossdressing and it didn't stop me from praying every night that I'd wake up the next day a girl. 

As I got older I fell into the trap that a lot of others do in thinking that a relationship would help me battle my feelings.  I still always had the feelings, but at least I had another closet to raid.  Relationships came and went, none of the women ever finding out my secret, although a couple made comments that made me think they suspected something.  Fast forward to the relationship I'm currently in.  We were together 4 years and my girlfriend cheated on me.  I left her and decided I was finally going to address my trans feelings.  I looked up therapists, I stopped binging and purging with clothing, I actually accepted who I was.  I left my door unlocked one day to run to the store and while I was gone my then ex snuck in, found all my clothing, makeup, shoes, etc and waited for me to get home.  She demanded to know who the girl was I was seeing.  I came clean to her partially.  I told her I was transgender, she asked if I wanted to make the full change and I lied and said no (biggest mistake ever).  We ended up getting back together.  She's never accepted this side of me, relegating me to only being myself when she's not around.  For the most part she went on day by day pretending she didn't know I was trans and I did nothing to make her face it.  When the Tom Gabel/Laura Jane Grace interview came out in Rolling Stone she again asked if I wanted to transition.  I finally told her the truth that I did.  That didn't go over well and I was overwhelmed with statements from her like "if you loved me enough you wouldn't feel this way", "if only you loved yourself more you wouldn't feel this way", "if I made you happier you wouldn't want to be a woman".  I exhausted myself trying to explain that me being trans has nothing to do with her, it's been something I've felt since early childhood and that I've hidden out of fear; that I've finally hit a wall and can't keep living life not being who I feel I am.  I'm 32 now, so I've know since 5 and hid it for 27 years before finally coming to terms with it.  It feels really good to finally accept and embrace it.

Quote from: Donna Elvira on May 14, 2013, 04:31:45 PM

Another one of my own memories concerning all of this was reading an article in either the Sunday Observer or Sunday Times review about  a book called "Conundrum" by one of the first people to have a sex change operation in the UK, Jan Morris.  Without making a complete link with my own attraction for all things feminine and what I I was reading , I was absolutely fascinated and read it over and over again.  I think this was in 1974 when the book was first published.

I so, so, so remember that article! It was actually an extract from the book and I can remember exactly where I was when I read it. That was the first time that a light went on over my head and I thought, 'Oh, so THAT's what I've been feeling all my life!' But then I had no idea what to do with my discovery, being a boarder in an all-male school ... And besides, I'd learned the habit of surviving by just burying all the unhappy feelings I had about never seeing or really even knowing my family, so I buried this feeling as well. It was just a matter of survival ... but that habit has turned into my worst enemy ...

I think I always knew, when I was young and we would play, I always wanted the female role... Teenage years I experimented with cross dressing.. by wearing pantyhose and trying on panties, never anything more i loved wear pantyhose.. actually still do..

I was around 19 the first time I became a crossdresser, wearing full outfits etc. I actually started shaving my legs and got my first holes pierced in my ears then. Then I started exploring transexually... I joined Susans around that time too.  I when to gender therapist a year later and began my transition at the age of 21.

The hormones were a wonderful release and I felt right... I am now a very happy well adjusted woman..

When?  Sometimes I think it was when I was 11, when my breasts first began to develop.  Sometimes, I think it was just a few days ago, because every day I seem to learn more about myself and my body. Who knows?

I was born in 1957,transexuals only appeared in seedy newspapers. I disliked sports but did boy stuff like fishing and model making and had toy cars.It's only with hindsight that I can now see the signs were there early on.I often day dreamed of being a girl when I was 7 or 8,I wanted to be French because French boys were called Jean!I went to an all boys junior school,the fearsome Miss Bennett would make a boy play a girls part in the school play and other boys were terrified of being chosen.i wondered why they were so scared of having to play a girl If Miss Bennett told you what to do you did it quick!
I hit puberty at 12 and hated it,I realised I wasn't going to be a girl and became hell kid,my school work declined at an alarming rate I dropped from 6th to 26th.I was attracted to boys and girls to add to my confusion.I skipped meals and self harmed and discovered alcohol at 13.I was a big kid and because I could get served alcohol i suddenly became popular.I was never a hard case but I never backed down from a fight even if I would lose,an ass kicking took the edge of my inner pain as did drinking,eating disorder,self harm and OCD.I first cross dressed at 13 when I was given a bag of my sister's and Mums old clothes to take to the church jumble sale,I took the ones I liked and which would fit and kept them.I had a few girlfriends but nothing serious,I always felt if the right one came along I could be a normal boy.
I became a biker,I grew my hair and wore ear rings,in 1977 the right ear pierced meant gay,the left for straight and both for bi,I had both pierced  but never had any abuse for it.In 1978 not long after my 21st birthday I found a story about a transexual in a paper and her story was so like mine it was as if I  had a bucket of ice water poured over me when I realised.I drank even harder smoked more weed bought a Chevelle and a Triumph Bonneville and grew a beard. I soon realised it wasn't going away and it took me another 10 years to seek help.In 1989 I came out of a 3 year relationship with a violent alcoholic shoplifter who used me as a punchbag.I was drinking to much,smoking to much weed and doing speed and not eating at week ends.I saw my doctor who sent me to a psychiatrist who threatened to section me.I asked the doctor to send me to someone else and he refered me to Charing Cross hospital in London.I met a local transexual who lived near me and who sold HRT on the black market and became one of her many customers.I grew my hair out and started electrolysis.I watched spellbound as my arms became slim and I lost muscle,my breasts started to develop and my hair became thicker and the small bald patch filled in.I was living androgynously as a feminine guy and socialising on the local gay scene as a woman,it was one of the happiest periods of my life.
I changed roles the following year and had my op 3 years later,i wish i'd done it sooner but I never had the confidence and society wasn't as accepting.Sorry if I've gone on to long and bored you

As if it was boring. Thanks for telling.

I started having feelings and dysphoria when I was 11/12 and would lay in bed at night praying to wake up a girl. Before then I dont have an overly fantastic memory but I remember things like only having girls at my birthdays when really they were probably only two there in a room of a dozen boys and wanting to be able to just hang out with the girls. I had no sisters, no girl cousins and I ended up in an all boys school for high school, I just assumed that everyone was always miserable like me and that is what being a teenager was all about. I hid it from everyone and anyone, myself included.
I was miserable with brief moments of happiness for the last... 9-10 years? I drank, was reclusive etc. and pretty much stopped myself from thinking about it because it scared me that I might just be transgendered because I had been fed my whole life by society that we are "wrong" and "messed up".
Finally one sunny day in January I stopped caring what other people would think were I caught and "let" myself ponder this female side of me. One thing led to another and I found a huge part of me that I had been trying to bury for the last 15 years of my life. At first I thought that it would be enough to just dress every now and then but soon realised that the cat was out of the bag and that I was just plain miserable as a boy and that the only times I was actually happy were when I just relaxed and let go of all the BS that being a boy is supposed to be about and truly let my female side through. Since, I have had a complete turnaround, instead of having a good day a week I have maybe two days where I just have the typical "OMG what if I am stuck looking like this FOREVER!" moment, so I hop on Susan's and I feel better :)
I came out to my family in March. They were stumped and at first had a real problem seeing "where this came from" but they're coming around to not thinking that I am crazy which is kinda nice :)
So now I have been seeing a psychologist for about 2 months and first psych and endo appointments in a month! Very very happy how things are coming along! For the first time ever I actually care about the future, my health and my body. It's great!!!!!

I felt like there was something out of place when I was little but I didn't notice a difference or care about the difference between boys and girls at the time. Though I spent most of my time with the girls in my classes in elementary and preschool. I finally figured out what was out of place when the girls I always hung out with went through puberty and I was left sitting there going... wtf where are my hips and breasts. Then I started looking around on the internet around the age of 12 and about the same time my puberty started and I was having none of it so about the age of 12/13 is when I came to terms with being transsexual and started planning my transition. Though I didn't actually act on it till my dysphoria and depression was so bad that I couldnt contain it and had to come out before I had planned to. I was going to wait till I was financially independent and out of college but sometimes we don't always get what we want and In my case I was lucky to have very intelligent, understanding, helpful parents. :P

I NEVER came to terms with it!

Born in 1949 I seemed to have an instinctive dislike or shame about my genitals - my mother said even as an infant, I would cover my genitals and not let her bath me there. (I had lots of health problems as an infant and spent a lot of time in hospital - don't know if there is a connection?)

As a child, I identified as a girl, played as a girl, and was quite timid and shy but if an adult referred to me as a boy, I would correct them. Childhood was pretty good. There were lots of girls in the neighbourhood, mostly a little older than me, so I had lots of playmates.

Everything went to he!! in a hand basket when I started school and encountered gendered washrooms. No way on god's green earth would I use the boys room and more than once was dragged out of the girls room and forcibly dumped in the boys room! The other girls started to shun me because I was supposed to be a boy and I had no interest in playing with the boys. Fortunately I was so feminine that there was no honour or prestige in picking on me so even the bullies left me alone. I started getting used to being called "it".

By age 8 (1957) I had figured out what was wrong - being labelled a boy and my genitals being different from other girls - and I prayed that everything would sort itself out at puberty ...... it didn't. At puberty (about 1961) I started developing BOTH ways! My breasts started to develop  ;D and I started to get hair on my face  :( :( :( I begged to go to the doctor but  my mom wouldn't allow it. By 14 I was in full rebellion against my 'assigned sex' and was living a double life - pseudo-boy at home, androgynous at school and around the small town I grew up in,  and girl whenever I could get away. I had no idea WHAT I was but I knew what I wanted and when I heard about Christine Jorgensen I knew it was possible and started self-prescribed hormones whenever I could get them. By high school, my development was problematic for school officials and I was exempted from gendered activities (like gym class).

At 17 (1966) I heard about Dr. Benjamin's book and was on my way to New York to see him. After a cursory examination, he pronounced me to be a "Type VI transsexual" and I started fighting for treatment back home in Canada. "Transsexual" seemed to be the closest match for my situation. I found a doctor willing to prescribe hormones (without parental consent - I was still under age) but there wasn't anything more anyone could do. (My hormone levels were abnormal but the cause was never investigated.) The only surgery available was in Europe and was WAY beyond anything I could ever afford. By 19 (1968) I was sinking into deeper and deeper depression and was seriously suicidal by my 20s. Dr. Biber opened his practice in Colorado and I was GONE! Off to a new life.

It wasn't until my late 50s that I discovered there had been elements of Intersex causing the "split puberty" and abnormal hormone levels but nobody had ever done a deep enough investigation to find the abnormalities. My chromosomes are XY, my genitals appeared male (after 6 months in hospital as an infant!) but never developed at puberty while my breasts did and I still have a uterus. No friggin wonder I confused people!  :o LOL!

Quote from: Northern Jane on May 16, 2013, 04:10:36 AM
I NEVER came to terms with it!

...It wasn't until my late 50s that I discovered there had been elements of Intersex causing the "split puberty" and abnormal hormone levels but nobody had ever done a deep enough investigation to find the abnormalities. My chromosomes are XY, my genitals appeared male (after 6 months in hospital as an infant!) but never developed at puberty while my breasts did and I still have a uterus. No friggin wonder I confused people!  :o LOL!

Thanks for sharing all of that Jane. This sort of story really does highlight how far things have moved forward in a relatively short period of time. While I don't believe I am in the same situation as you, there are several aspects of my own development which have me wondering if I also didn't have some serious hormonal issues at puberty but at this stage in my life, it doesn't really make any difference.
Warm regards.
Donna

Quote from: Carlita on May 15, 2013, 10:56:19 AM
I so, so, so remember that article! It was actually an extract from the book and I can remember exactly where I was when I read it. That was the first time that a light went on over my head and I thought, 'Oh, so THAT's what I've been feeling all my life!' But then I had no idea what to do with my discovery, being a boarder in an all-male school ... And besides, I'd learned the habit of surviving by just burying all the unhappy feelings I had about never seeing or really even knowing my family, so I buried this feeling as well. It was just a matter of survival ... but that habit has turned into my worst enemy ...

That really is quite a coincidence. I was so impressed when I read that extract that I can  still remember exactly where I was in my parents house when I came across it. I finally got around to buying the whole book a few years ago, another text which shows just how much things have changed in quite a short period of time.
Other than that, should we understand from your last phrase that you are still struggling with your GID?
Warm regards.
Donna

Quote from: summerbreeze on May 16, 2013, 01:00:16 PM

My entire life was a battlefield when I was trying to comply with my duties, but at the same time trying to defend my INNER ME.
I have been an Outsider for my entire Life. And I NEVER ever accepted any male gender role. I dont even know what a man feels and I have no experience with male sex. I was never ever interested in anything what men do, neither when dressed, nor sexually...

Hi there!
I think a lot of us can empathize with those feelings , and the rest of your post, except maybe that we tried to fully live the role that was expected of us for as long as it was feasible. Being attracted to women certainly made it easier but even that was not enough at the end of the day.
Just hoping that in your own case life has become a little less of a battlefield as the years have gone by.
Warmest best wishes.
Donna

Quote from: Donna Elvira on May 14, 2013, 04:31:45 PM

Because of this, when I met my second  wife, I very quickly told her about my feminine side which she accepted from the beginning.  She accepting me for who I am is the single most positive thing that has happened to me in all of my life and over the years, this acceptance has allowed us to reach a level of understanding and love as a couple which I had never thought possible. Actually, the difference between my life with second wife and  my first is so great that I still have to almost pinch myself to make sure that it is real.

Her acceptance also created the conditions which allowed me to further explore my feminine identity. In September 2008 I started HRT. The most obvious immediate effect of this was a feeling of inner peace that I had never experienced before.

Donna,
      Your entire story is remarkable as if you spent time in limbo and even tasted the bitterness of hell at one point. I am pleased for your sake that you have such a wonderful and supportive partner, the rest should be comparatively easy. Love your avatar as well, it radiates the inner peace that you are finally experiencing. So wonderful, kudos!

Quote from: Donna Elvira on May 16, 2013, 02:28:32 PM
That really is quite a coincidence. I was so impressed when I read that extract that I can  still remember exactly where I was in my parents house when I came across it. I finally got around to buying the whole book a few years ago, another text which shows just how much things have changed in quite a short period of time.
Other than that, should we understand from your last phrase that you are still struggling with your GID?
Warm regards.
Donna

Yes, every time I think that I just can't stand things as they are and am about to transition something happens in or to my family and I just can't face adding to their problems ... though I think my unresolved transsexuality is actually at the bottom of a lot of the issues affecting my wife and children.

But it's clear that the moment I start transition is the moment my marriage ends. That means selling the house ... and I still have dependent children. I can't do all that to them. So I'm just dying inside instead.

Quote from: Carlita on May 17, 2013, 06:16:53 AM
Yes, every time I think that I just can't stand things as they are and am about to transition something happens in or to my family and I just can't face adding to their problems ... though I think my unresolved transsexuality is actually at the bottom of a lot of the issues affecting my wife and children.

But it's clear that the moment I start transition is the moment my marriage ends. That means selling the house ... and I still have dependent children. I can't do all that to them. So I'm just dying inside instead.

Hi again Carlita,
You don't use a lot of words but those you do use carry so much weight and my heart goes out to you ! Some subjects are best kept for private discussions but your comments above made me think of how, for many years,my own unresolved issues created a lot of problems between my son and I. I was so conflicted about the masculine role I was having to play that  I was really negative about his masculinity and made life pretty hard for him when he was a young boy. He was just being a pretty normal boy but everything I saw in him reminded me about everything I hated in myself. It would be an exaggeration to say that I really beat up on him but I was much, much nicer to my two daughters and he couldn't but  notice it.  By the time he hit his adolescence, I finally understood what was going on inside me and our relationship improved remarkably. When I came out to my kids, Summer 2011, I used the opportunity to explain all of this to him and also to apologize for for how hard I had been on him as a kid. We were already on a very good footing by then and that was just another step in reinforcing a very open, warm and trusting relationship. Interestingly, of my three kids, he was by far the most supportive of what I am doing. Maybe he saw the change as an opportunity to get revenge on the "old man" but if that was the case, it hasn't been very visible so far.. :)
All of that to say that maybe you are not doing anyone a favour by allowing yourself to "die inside" .  It sounds like your kids are younger than mine who were all over 18 when I came out, but I can say without any doubt that, in spite of the shock this was to them, they would all agree that today I come across as a much happier and warmer person.
Have you already spoken to your wife about the subject or is it just an assumption that starting a transition would bring your mariage to an end? Where there is already a solid, loving relationship, many women seem to be more open on this issue than you might imagine up front.
Warmest regards.
Donna

Quote from: Shantel on May 16, 2013, 04:37:53 PM
Donna,
      Your entire story is remarkable as if you spent time in limbo and even tasted the bitterness of hell at one point. I am pleased for your sake that you have such a wonderful and supportive partner, the rest should be comparatively easy. Love your avatar as well, it radiates the inner peace that you are finally experiencing. So wonderful, kudos!

...and your words always radiate warmth and kindness Shan. Thanks for that!
Bises.
Donna

I first realized that I was transgendered when I was about 13. My memory is vague, but I feel like when I realized that, I was just so happy. Until I told my mom and she said it was just a phase. 7 years of struggling with who I was (which would make me 20), I came to terms with myself, for the most part at least. I just get second thoughts sometimes but that's due to a couple of crushes I have and my career. Both of which will likely never happen lol. Anyways, I've committed myself to start transitioning after I move out of my parent's house and to go through with this because if I don't, I'm always going to continue struggling. This will help me figure out who I really am: a guy, or a girl. Now I can't wait start. I wish I could nowwww.

Quote from: Shantel on May 05, 2013, 09:59:30 AM
There are a lot of assumptions made by the transgender community and many will say "I knew when I was three" and in some cases it has a lot to do with self validation and justification.

I'm really glad this was pointed out. I often struggle with asking myself if this is what I do when I answer this question (it's inevitably been asked by most friends). In all honesty, I think I may ask that question not because I feel "invalid," but because it's difficult for me to cope with being trans and I try to reinforce the idea as "natural" by reaffirming my history. It saddens me a bit that I -- and I'm sure many others -- feel backed into a corner even within ourselves because of what we are.

Anyway, the very first feelings I had were when I was very young (age 3-5). A lot of frustration about not being a girl, but I had no conception of "I'm supposed to be a girl." I recall often lying down in my home's hallway and daydreaming about it. I was simply really frustrated that I didn't have that existence. This frustration would continue to pop up here and there throughout my life until I was 19 years old, when I finally found out that there was a growth with my issue beyond cross-dressing. That was when I really started to read up on MtF women and slowly came to accept that it was something I'd have to face in my life.

I'm 27 years old now, and it often plagues me that I had never found out sooner that people like us existed. I really always thought it was simply cross-dressing, and since I don't feel a compulsion towards clothing to affirm my identity (not to say I have an aversion to it!), I felt utterly trapped until then. I felt like it wasn't a set of feelings worth expressing to anyone because there wasn't anything I could do. If I had known better, I may have been able to start much earlier in life and had an easier time of things.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I came to terms with the issue when I discovered that the issue existed. I'm sure there are many other young women out there in this situation; I really wish there was a simple way to let them know. There just isn't that much education about us in circulation yet.

I did know when I was 3 I tried to tell my parents but they ignored it

I messed around with cross dressing at an early age, but then went into the closet until I finally came out at 23, did not stick though

the absolute certainty of control of my life happened at 45 and who I was though

While I like to think that I knew at a very early age, I am sometimes uncertain as to the extent to which I could have really articulated it. The eagle-eyed hindsight that we all have can tend to distort things slightly. Thinking back, none of the incidents that now seem to fall into a clear, distinct pattern, would necessarily be out of place for non-trans children when taken individually, it is only when one starts to synthesise them into an overall picture that the thought "trans" may arise.

Considering the young age when the first urgings came into play, for me somewhere along the 3-4 range as well, I can still remember lots of other things that I wanted to be at the time. Of those, the desire of being a girl is really the only one that, retroactively, makes any sort of sense, let alone is realistic. Yet I would argue that there are also many cases where the wish to be a different gender falls into the same category as those ideas that were discarded over time; i.e. a thought that simply expresses awe at the possibilities of life, rather than a true desire. It is in this last definition where we as trans* people fall through the cracks: for us, it is a true desire, but figuring that out is a task that is difficult and takes time, precisely because the same thought exists within the domain of innocent exploration.

Quote from: Donna Elvira on May 17, 2013, 12:07:19 PM
Hi again Carlita,
You don't use a lot of words but those you do use carry so much weight and my heart goes out to you ! Some subjects are best kept for private discussions but your comments above made me think of how, for many years,my own unresolved issues created a lot of problems between my son and I. I was so conflicted about the masculine role I was having to play that  I was really negative about his masculinity and made life pretty hard for him when he was a young boy. He was just being a pretty normal boy but everything I saw in him reminded me about everything I hated in myself. It would be an exaggeration to say that I really beat up on him but I was much, much nicer to my two daughters and he couldn't but  notice it.  By the time he hit his adolescence, I finally understood what was going on inside me and our relationship improved remarkably. When I came out to my kids, Summer 2011, I used the opportunity to explain all of this to him and also to apologize for for how hard I had been on him as a kid. We were already on a very good footing by then and that was just another step in reinforcing a very open, warm and trusting relationship. Interestingly, of my three kids, he was by far the most supportive of what I am doing. Maybe he saw the change as an opportunity to get revenge on the "old man" but if that was the case, it hasn't been very visible so far.. :)
All of that to say that maybe you are not doing anyone a favour by allowing yourself to "die inside" .  It sounds like your kids are younger than mine who were all over 18 when I came out, but I can say without any doubt that, in spite of the shock this was to them, they would all agree that today I come across as a much happier and warmer person.
Have you already spoken to your wife about the subject or is it just an assumption that starting a transition would bring your mariage to an end? Where there is already a solid, loving relationship, many women seem to be more open on this issue than you might imagine up front.
Warmest regards.
Donna

My kids are actually quite old: two young adults and a teenager ... but the two older ones are both, in their different ways very vulnerable, so I'm not sure how they would take it. And the young one is at such a difficult stage of adolescence, and the onset of the physical/emotional./sexual change from child to adult (tho' coping with it really well) that it just seems like a terrible time to add any disruption. As for my wife, she knows and she has made her feelings plain. It's not done in a threatening or aggressive way. She's genuinely distraught. She's a heterosexual woman and she wants a husband who's  physically and in every other way a man. As long as i don't actually DO anything, we can just about maintain the facade of a normal marriage - and we do have a lot of love, affection and respect for one another, which really helps. But there is this 500lb female gorilla always sitting in the room!

Quote from: Carlita on May 20, 2013, 08:52:53 AM
My kids are actually quite old: two young adults and a teenager ... but the two older ones are both, in their different ways very vulnerable, so I'm not sure how they would take it. And the young one is at such a difficult stage of adolescence, and the onset of the physical/emotional./sexual change from child to adult (tho' coping with it really well) that it just seems like a terrible time to add any disruption. As for my wife, she knows and she has made her feelings plain. It's not done in a threatening or aggressive way. She's genuinely distraught. She's a heterosexual woman and she wants a husband who's  physically and in every other way a man. As long as i don't actually DO anything, we can just about maintain the facade of a normal marriage - and we do have a lot of love, affection and respect for one another, which really helps. But there is this 500lb female gorilla always sitting in the room!

I can relate 100% with your situation. My personal experience and successes have come from an incremental and lengthy approach to transition and hours if not days and nights of soothing conversations about coming expectations and who we are as a couple and how the inner person is the same in spite of external changes. We talk about our enduring love for one another and how each of us can meet in the middle by making certain concessions. It is exhausting but worth it to hold the family together. Like Mick Jagger pointed out in his song, "You don't always get what you want," it goes both ways!

I just realised I forgot to say THANK YOU, DONNA ELVIRA!! for your sweet, kind, thoughtful words. And thank you, too, Shantel, for your understanding.x

I remember to this day the moment I realized I was trans, though I forget when that moment was lol. It was back in the fifth grade when my whole class was returning from a fire drill and I looked at the other girls around me and I just thought how cute they were and I started thinking that I want to grow up that way, it was my first realization of what gender really is. I know I was just ten years old but from then on I seriously wished that one day I would wake up in a girls body and all would be fine but that wish never happened. As the years passed and puberty raged on I became more and more scared, not of the changes my body was going through but of society. I grew up, thanks to a religious background, that these cross gender desires were somehow wrong so I repressed them for years. Finally at the end of my senior year boys started becoming attractive and thanks to a "friend" who led me on I finally came out as bisexual, something that started opening the floodgates. It was also around this time that I started dealing with depression after a close friend whom I had a crush on rejected me, now that was something that made me snap but we'll get back to the depression later on. It would be another two years before I finally started accepting myself, slowly but surely I finally came to terms with my gender and when I was about 20, 19 really, I finally came out to myself as transgender. Ironically it was a few nights before a psychology class on sexuality and gender. I was finally open to myself and this time last year I came out to three of my closest friends, simply telling them that I had gender issues and that was it. Finally on September 15th, 2012 I decided to open the floodgates and came out publicly, first to my family then to my friends. On the first week of October something nearly tragic happened, my depression snapped and I just wanted to end my life but thanks to my friends I simply did nothing. The morning after I went to school, still feeling extremely suicidal and went to the counseling center and soon I was hospitalized. I would stay in the hospital for a week and thanks to medications really I started to turn around and was released. Upon being released I went to a psychologist for my gender issues and a psychiatrist for my depression but over time the two would overlap. I went to my psychologist for three months before I got my letter of recommendation to start hormones. Finally on January 3rd 2013 I went to the endocrinologist and was written a prescription for estrogen and then on February 20th was given one for T-blockers. Well since then it has been really slow, painfully slow but I am now on the right track to finally getting the body I deserve :)

sorry that was a bit lengthy but i had a story to tell lol

I accepted myself as trans in 2010 and realizing my GD was not going away. After years of therapy and taking an incremental approach to transitioning, I fully realized I was Transsexual when I paid my deposit and secured my GCS date in early 2015.

Cynthia -

Ha!!!

I fully realized it in mid 2013 at age 52, as all the pieces of a lifelong puzzle assembled before my eyes... I came to terms with it within a minute or two and began planning my new life!... I bypassed the angst and pondering... I knew in an instant that I only had one path forward that led to a life that would ever hold any real meaning for me...

Onward we go brave sisters!

Ashley 🙋‍♀️💕🌸

Wow Cynthia - you really dug this thread out of the mothballs didn't you?  :D  It's a good topic though so it's worth it.

For me I was 5 years old.  I remember telling my brother a few years ago that in the back seat of the family car when I was 5 and he was 3 that I did a pretend sex change on him.  He said when I told him that he was glad it was
pretend. LOL

I never thought I had any shame - I didn't feel bad about it.  It was just part of who I was.  It wasn't until I transitioned that I realized all of the shame that I felt.  That is the only explanation for the immense fear I had regarding going out in public presenting as female - and coming out of the closet and telling people.

If I thought being trans was OK then why was I trying so hard to keep it a secret.  I had no inner shame but I was ashamed of what the world would think.

I have been living it for 3 years and legally and medically for 2 years.  I am almost over the shame - not quite - but close.  Funny for someone that thought they had no shame I sure kept in hiding for a long, long time.

LMAO  We were typing at the same time.   
Love ya

Quote from: KimOct on March 18, 2019, 06:49:05 PM
Wow Cynthia - you really dug this thread out of the mothballs didn't you?  :D  It's a good topic though so it's worth it.

Funny for someone that thought they had no shame I sure kept in hiding for a long, long time.

There are some real gems buried in the db Kim, I hope it's not creating any administrative hassles, by bumping old threads..

We survived, and even thrived....I hid it so well....

Hugs all

C -

I suspected in 1963, when I was 12. Had no words to describe what was feeling except I loved dressing in my mom's old clothes. Spent the next 50 years sequestered and happily male. Then, boom. Therapy was the key that unlocked the door.

Laura

Quote from: lauraelliott1951 on March 18, 2019, 07:26:17 PM
I suspected in 1963, when I was 12. Had no words to describe what was feeling except I loved dressing in my mom's old clothes. Spent the next 50 years sequestered and happily male. Then, boom. Therapy was the key that unlocked the door.

Laura

I too, knew something was up very early in life... 1st grade especially stands out but, as noted... there was no name for those feelings and the environment was far from a welcome place to explore what the feelings were all about... It was far easier to just believe I had a secret that was deep and dark and go about life doing what the ones that I was dressed like did.... the pieces of the puzzle were buried deep where I thought that no one... even me, would find them but, all that is hidden, eventually comes to light.... half a century later, the puzzle pieces started to pop out of the ground and demand I assemble them...

I Love the picture they formed...I Llve the picture they formed...

Onward we go brave sisters!!!

Ashley 🙋‍♀️💕🌸

Quote from: KimOct on March 18, 2019, 06:49:34 PM
LMAO  We were typing at the same time.   
Love ya

Love Ya Sis!!!!

A 🙋‍♀️💕🌸

I was born long ago enough that the word "transsexual" is power-packed with dark innuendo.

I grew up in a conservative home. I was the first of three children. I have no memories of any tell-tale experiences as a young child, but that may be because I have very few memories indeed from that time. My home was a very unhappy one. If I did exhibit any such tendencies, my father would have done everything he could think of to drive them away; and he would have done it with love and a heart full of sorrow. He was a very good man with definite ideas.

I don't remember this; but my mother once told me that, when I was quite young, she found me in the bathtub, a razor in my hand, blood streaming down my leg. I smiled broadly and said, "Look at me! I'm shaving!" or some such thing. After I came out to myself, it struck me that I had chosen to imitate her shaving, and not my father.

I had no clue that I was trans for a very long time. In retrospect, there were plenty of signs. My heroes in life were almost exclusively women. I adored Chris Evert. I used to think I adored her because she was so beautiful, so talented and such a lady; today, I realize I wanted to be her. It's interesting that I couldn't admit that to myself at the time, which suggests that something, sometime had scared me away from identifying with women – even to myself.

When I was 12, something went wrong. I felt like I was losing my mind. I didn't know how else to describe it. I was terrified. My father, being a professional man, did the educated thing; he sent me to a child psychiatrist. I spent the summer seeing Dr. S, once a week, and remember virtually nothing of the experience. In later years, I thought it was curious that this had happened when it did, at the onset of puberty. I suspected something hormonal had been involved; but still, knowing nothing of the relationship between testosterone and dysphoria for us girls, the possibility of being trans never occurred to me.

Throughout my life, people have wondered if I was gay. This always amused me greatly, since I felt no attraction to men. I had the odd "homosexual fantasy" when I was 14, which most heterosexual males experience at one time or another in their lives; but I liked girls. I think the first time I was asked if I was gay was also when I was 14. Much later in life, I had a close friend who never said anything like this to me; but when he died his widow told me he had sworn, up, down and sideways, that I was gay, gay, gay. Several years after that, my wife and I were regular visitors at the home of a gay male couple in our neighborhood, and, one day, they told me, deadly serious, that I was the "gayest straight man" they had ever met, and they didn't understand it.

This "gay" connection seems to be a common experience for trans women before they come out; I've read several other accounts like mine.

I think I was in my late 30s when I saw my first lesbian film, John Sayles' "Lianna" (1982). I was spellbound. I discovered that I connected with this genre very deeply, for reasons I could not explain. As the years went by, I amassed a respectable collection of films in this genre, and branched out into what little there was in television: the 5th season of "Ellen," and "The L Word." It was "The L Word" that introduced me to the concept of the "male lesbian." Naturally, the term intrigued me, because I thought it might explain what was going on with me. I investigated and learned that "male lesbian" is a euphemism for a "love shy male." It's more complicated than that. There is a list of characteristics that are typical; if you check it out, you'll probably suspect that a "love shy male" is probably a trans woman who just hasn't come out to herself yet, at least some of the time. Most of the items on the list were true of me, including the wish I had been born female, the belief that I would have been happier and able to be more myself as a woman, wanting only female children, etc. So, I provisionally classified myself as such a person. And, since there didn't seem to be anything I could do with this knowledge, I put it on the shelf, taking it out again from time to time to re-examine it.

It was on one of these occasions, when I was about 50, that I had a watershed experience. I was taking another look at my "male lesbian" status, and it occurred to me to ask myself, "Well, if I could be a woman, what woman would I want to be?" And I knew. I didn't even have to consider it. The answer popped immediately into my mind – and I was in orbit. I stayed there for about four days. The thought of being this woman produced what I now know was gender euphoria. I didn't know it then. All I knew was how incredibly happy I was, thinking of being this woman.

I shared some of these things with my wife, who, as it happened, was a straight ally and board member at the local LGBT center. She shared some of what I told her with someone she knew there – a trans man. He suggested that I might be transgender. She relayed his suggestion to me, and I blew it off. Silly me. I could have known ten years sooner than I did.

I think I have written separately how I finally knew. I was investigating my "strong feminine side" that I had always known I had, with the intention of bringing it to the surface and integrating it with the rest of my conscious personality. It's pretty standard psych stuff. One thing led to another; and, about six weeks into my investigation, I knew. Three months before my 60th birthday.

Better late than never! :) And, let me say, coming out to myself and transitioning have been the greatest experiences of my life. How could they not be? I'm finally myself, after a lifetime of trying to be someone else. If anyone reading this has any doubts about taking the plunge, my advice is to go forward and not look back. Nothing is worth denying who you are.

Quote from: CynthiaAnn on March 18, 2019, 05:07:08 PM
I accepted myself as trans in 2010 and realizing my GD was not going away. After years of therapy and taking an incremental approach to transitioning, I fully realized I was Transsexual when I paid my deposit and secured my GCS date in early 2015.

Cynthia -

I started in the summer of 2010 also.

The realization that it was possible and that there was a path for doing it opened a door for me. Before then I didn't have the words for it but once I did it was like a thunderbolt.

I fast tracked myself by paying for everything out of pocket and lived like a poor college student again which was funny because I was working at GWU and most people thought I was a student worker even when I was pushing 30. It all cumulated in September 11 2011 recovering from my GCS.

Wow, such new life in an older topic (not a bad idea after all) !

@NatalieRene - I remember seeing your posts on another message board, and thinking you were way ahead of me. It's nice to share words with you today !

@tgirlamg - I think your picture is gorgeous, what a beautiful smile.

@Ann W - I enjoy reading your posts, such thoughtful writing. I agree with you the word Transsexual had a dark connotation in my mind too at one time, now I totally embrace the term.

@Lauraelliot1951 - I know exactly what you mean, no words to describe it. I was taken to many counselors as a young person, I had terrible social issues at school, it was always there, just manifesting it's self in such strange ways.

Hugs to all my sisters...

Cynthia -

Quote from: CynthiaAnn on March 19, 2019, 06:31:41 AM
Wow, such new life in an older topic (not a bad idea after all) !

@NatalieRene - I remember seeing your posts on another message board, and thinking you were way ahead of me. It's nice to share words with you today !

@tgirlamg - I think your picture is gorgeous, what a beautiful smile.

@Ann W - I enjoy reading your posts, such thoughtful writing. I agree with you the word Transsexual had a dark connotation in my mind too at one time, now I totally embrace the term.

@Lauraelliot1951 - I know exactly what you mean, no words to describe it. I was taken to many counselors as a young person, I had terrible social issues at school, it was always there, just manifesting it's self in such strange ways.

Hugs to all my sisters...

Cynthia -

You must mean Laura's Playground. The website is still kind of around, called Transpulse now, but it is so empty now compared to what it was before.

Quote from: CynthiaAnn on March 19, 2019, 06:31:41 AM
Wow, such new life in an older topic (not a bad idea after all) !

Hugs to all my sisters...

Cynthia -

Hi Cynthia Ann

Not a bad idea at all.. 😀👍... The challenges, struggles and liberation of finding ourself and our place in the world remain the same across the years...

To those who may read this in years to come... You will see bits and pieces of yourself, both large and small...reflected in our words here.

The path begins with self exploration... Amazingly, often a last frontier of sorts... Embrace the person you find... allow them their voice and expression... maintain hope... manage fear... move forward, in the manner you choose, towards what is true... Live Your Life... Love Your Life ❤️🙏🌺

Onward We Go Brave Traveler...

Ashley 🙋‍♀️

PS... Thanks for the sweet words Cynthia Ann!!! I Love your pic too!!! 🌸💕

Wow there are so many parallels on this site it always shocks me.

I wrote this last Saturday for myself.  Kim keeps encouraging me to share on my thread.  This is what I wrote:

I sometimes conceptualize by mentally connecting the "dots" or disparate elements of thought.  So these are my transgender "dots" as a time line:

4-5 years old:  I traded with my girl play friend, my truck for a pair of her tights.  I have always wanted to be a ballerina.  I have been fantasizing that I would magically transform into a girl since then.

8 years old:  Saw a Twilight Zone episode where a plain teenage girl gets transformed into a beautiful girl.  I used to dream that was me.  I always searched for anything that had a boy to girl/man to woman theme the rest of my life.

10 years old:  I bought my first stockings.  For the rest of my life I always had a secret stash of stockings, pantyhose and tights.  I always thought I had a fetish but it was the only female garment that was easy to hide and gave me the female intimacy that I needed.

17 years old:   I really tried to convince myself that I would grow out of my "fetish" when I went away to college...wrong.  I finally realized that it was something that was never going away.  I felt shame, embarrassment and fear of discovery.  I walled it up so successfully that it wasn't until I was 62 years old that the wall collapsed.

62 years old: I was standing on a subway platform having a full-blown panic attack, my third in a week and I started looking at the train tracks as the train came in.  I held on, not for me but for the incredible pain I would cause my wife and son.

I finally decided to get help.

63 years old: With the help of my analyst I finally truly understood that I was transgender.  I joined an online transgender support group.  I learned that I was not alone and that I was part of an incredible global community of millions of people experiencing the same pain.  That shared pain allowed us to support each other to help climb our individual and shared "wall".  With everyone's help, support and understanding I discovered:

I am transgender and I am ok.