Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So, I wanted to know how many of you have experience with coming out while living with family (in particular your parents).  I am still living at home and will be transitioning there if all goes well.  While I would like my own place, finances don't allow me to do so (believe me, I have tried).  So, I will have to tell my family soon because once I start hormones and laser there will be no hiding.  Since I am dependent on my mom for shelter, I need her acceptance so that she doesn't prevent me from transitioning under her roof.  I am probably over thinking everything and everyone that knows about me (all my friends, people at my support group, etc...)have been begging me to come out.  Still, I want to do this right and need time to process things and gain courage.  But I can only continue to hide this for a little longer.

So what was your experience? How did you come out?  How did they react? If they reacted badly, how did you continue to transition while living at home?  What suggestions do you have to make coming out easier for those who need their parents for shelter. 

If you began hormones before telling them, how did they react?  Everyone is telling me this is the wrong thing to do and I should tell them beforehand.  Yet, I really just want to start soon and not hold myself back until I have the courage to come out.y

Any tips and or suggestions would also be appreciated. Thanks.

P.S. Sorry for all the questions and for the fact that I am a big fraidy cat.

You are in your early 20s right? Therefore, you do not have to tell them. You seem like you really want to and I'm all for people being happy. You should be able to hide the changes for months and months as well. How are your parents? How do they react to LGBT issues? The strange thing for me is that my mom is all in a tizzy over it sometimes and other times she tells me to become a vegan to help the HRT. My dad has actually become a lot nicer to me and even talks to me now whereas before he really didn't.

I still live at home with my parents.

It took me a little over three months to actually bring myself to come out to my mother. Partially because I wasn't ready, but also because she was really stressed with her job and her injuries at the time, and I figured that if the conversation was anywhere near as difficult for her as would be for me, then I needed to catch her when she wasn't busy/tired/stressed/upset. I told her that I needed to talk, and asked that we go somewhere private where we could both sit down. She asked if this was about school, and I told her no, it was about me.

The thing to keep in mind here is that I have always be close with my mother. Ever since I was eleven, I have suffered from depression. She also suffers from depression, and as she was the one who searched for therapists for me when I was younger, dealt with me when I was at my wit's end, etc., I've always been able to confide in her about things that are bothering me. As such, I considered her relatively safe to talk to.

When I sat down in the den, I found myself extremely nervous, and I kept starting and stopping, fumbling my words. At that point, she told me she was listening, and that if it would help, to know that she would always love me no matter what. While I sincerely doubted she would disown me, it was nevertheless comforting to hear that. I then told her that I had reason to believe I was transgender, that I've felt this way since puberty yet didn't want to put the pieces together, and that last October I realized I was in denial. I told her about how I felt about myself and my environment. About how I've felt out of place, and for some reason always found it easier to identify with women. She asked if I had ever cross-dressed, and if I had ever spoken to anyone about this before. So on and so forth.

What seemed to take me by surprise was her apparent lack thereof. Turns out, ever since I was young, she had suspected in the back of her mind that I was gay. Something about my mannerism, the fact that I acted different from other boys, even at a young age, gaydar, etc.. She mentioned that she had told a friend of hers whose teenage son claimed he was gay that "he may not simply be acting out to spite her, and that she needed to accept the fact that her son may in fact be gay;" that she could not in good conscience give her friend that advice if she were not willing to accept it herself. She even said that she'd accept whatever partner I brought home. I then had to remind her that I'm still attracted to women, and that sex really isn't a major source of dysphoria for me. Social roles and my appearance are far bigger problems. I guess she expect one sort of coming out and got another. : P

Anyway, she admitted she was familiar with the nuances of transgender, but is willing to learn; and that if I need therapy, then we'll find me a therapist, and if it turns out I need to transition, then she will gladly accept me as a daughter. She did mention that she was worried, because "I have a hard life in front of me," and that unfortunately, some people may never accept me as a result. Nevertheless, she loves me and is supportive.

I also asked about how should I approach my father about this, as I'm not sure how to do so. I don't think he'd disown me either, but I am afraid the news might not go over well, as I know some parents go through a grieving stage following a coming out. She offered to talk to him for me about.

Sorry, you probably didn't need the whole narrative. -_-'
Anyway, you know your parents better than any of us do. What is your relationship with them like? Any reason to believe they will or won't act in a certain way? I will say give yourself some time until you are ready, and try to approach them when you think they will be most receptive. How might you approach them if you had a different sort of personal problem? I can't tell you about starting transition before coming out, as I'm yet to start. The fact is, I'm scared to do anything drastic before I've had a chance to talk to a therapist, just to make sure transition is really what I want. In fact, I'm terrified of the whole process. As such, I can't blame you for being a fraidy cat, as I'm just as bad. I'm scared of, well, everything. Seriously.

I hope this helps, and I hope everything goes well.

well for me i was changing cloths at my neighbors house and we got home from school and were in the living room waiting on my sister like i was told to do (shes older so she got home 45 minutes later) and my mom came home early and caught me. not the best way for a mom to catch her 8 year old but it went kind of ok with her. she didnt freak out just said its not appropriate and let my dad do the scolding when he got home. so they decided to both once again look the other way and let me be me as long as i kept it to dressing for my my age. (more so since my dad was deployed alot and my mom was always at work and didnt have to see me). it wasnt until 10-11 that they decided to deal with me and that issue. all in all not bad. it gave them time to adjust and try to figure out how to handle me. i would think if you eased your mom into it as well it might go well? depending on how she feels about you the situation and her personal beliefs.

Quote from: Joanna Dark on May 09, 2013, 12:55:01 AM
You are in your early 20s right? Therefore, you do not have to tell them. You seem like you really want to and I'm all for people being happy. You should be able to hide the changes for months and months as well. How are your parents? How do they react to LGBT issues? The strange thing for me is that my mom is all in a tizzy over it sometimes and other times she tells me to become a vegan to help the HRT. My dad has actually become a lot nicer to me and even talks to me now whereas before he really didn't.

I don't have to tell my mom, but I really want to start hormones and laser soon.  It is killing me to have to present as a man and something has to give.  Yet, I can't imagine starting the process without them finding out.  I suppose that I could continue and hide it until I'm ready to come out, but I have been told that might not be possible. Also, my friends and people at my support group are telling me I should come out beforehand.  And my one friend who has transitioned has told me that there is no way that I will be able to hide it.  She is very pro me coming out and warns that I will hurt my mother too much by continuing to hide it. I just don't know what to do. 

My mother is neutral on lgbt issues, but has become more supportive lately.  This is mainly because everyone suspects that I 'm gay.   My dad is a whole other story, though I don't live with him so it's not as bad. 

Quote from: JenSquid on May 09, 2013, 05:34:44 AM
Sorry, you probably didn't need the whole narrative. -_-'
Anyway, you know your parents better than any of us do. What is your relationship with them like? Any reason to believe they will or won't act in a certain way? I will say give yourself some time until you are ready, and try to approach them when you think they will be most receptive. How might you approach them if you had a different sort of personal problem? I can't tell you about starting transition before coming out, as I'm yet to start. The fact is, I'm scared to do anything drastic before I've had a chance to talk to a therapist, just to make sure transition is really what I want. In fact, I'm terrified of the whole process. As such, I can't blame you for being a fraidy cat, as I'm just as bad. I'm scared of, well, everything. Seriously.

I hope this helps, and I hope everything goes well.

Thank you for sharing.  I am very close with my mom.  I would consider her one of my best friends.  She really means the world to me.  I doubt she would hate me or anything, but I do know that she would prevent me from transitioning  as much as I can.  Since, I would be under her roof, I need to watch out for that.  Maybe I will start hormones first and then tell her once I am comfortable.  Still, I have to go through the whole long process.  So, I guess I have time anyway before I start.  Though if my therapist acts like a gatekeeper I will just go to callen-lorde.

Quote from: Tristan on May 09, 2013, 07:26:31 AM
well for me i was changing cloths at my neighbors house and we got home from school and were in the living room waiting on my sister like i was told to do (shes older so she got home 45 minutes later) and my mom came home early and caught me. not the best way for a mom to catch her 8 year old but it went kind of ok with her. she didnt freak out just said its not appropriate and let my dad do the scolding when he got home. so they decided to both once again look the other way and let me be me as long as i kept it to dressing for my my age. (more so since my dad was deployed alot and my mom was always at work and didnt have to see me). it wasnt until 10-11 that they decided to deal with me and that issue. all in all not bad. it gave them time to adjust and try to figure out how to handle me. i would think if you eased your mom into it as well it might go well? depending on how she feels about you the situation and her personal beliefs.

I would occasionally dress up with my sister when I was younger.  She never really had a problem and so it as kids having fun.  They still like reminding me of the time I put on my sisters ballerina costume and ran around the house declaring that I was a fairy princess.  So, like your parents, I don't think everything would be a complete total shock.  Plus, my mom knows I have body issues and always said she notices that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin.  I have always told her how I hate having body hair and being called handsome.  Hell, I even used to walk around the house with a hair band when my hair was longer.  So, I think there has been years of easing. Sometimes I think maybe she knows, but i think she thinks I am just a shy gay man.  Therefore, I do believe it will be a left field thing for her.  I just don't want to hurt her because she means a lot to me.  But at the same time, I have to start or else I will begin to fall into a very deep depression from my GID.

in that case i would tell her. i would take her out to eat somewhere chill or go for like a walk in the park and tell her. it sounds like you are in a same or similar boat i was i. she will be cool more or less because she already knows. your dad will probably be mad, calm down and then chill out and be ok with it. my dad was really bad at first. but calmed down and is now my biggest cheerleader. we have a great relationship.

Quote from: Tristan on May 09, 2013, 12:03:19 PM
in that case i would tell her. i would take her out to eat somewhere chill or go for like a walk in the park and tell her. it sounds like you are in a same or similar boat i was i. she will be cool more or less because she already knows. your dad will probably be mad, calm down and then chill out and be ok with it. my dad was really bad at first. but calmed down and is now my biggest cheerleader. we have a great relationship.

Thanks Tristan.  I know I will have to tell her soon, but have to get over the fear.  Yet, I can't wait any longer to start everything.  So, I think I am going to have to hide some things in the beginning.  Still, I will keep working on getting the courage to come out.  It probably won't be as bad as I imagine.

it is scary. i also had that fear  and did not want to disappoint but normally they already know something is up. after all they did carry us and take care of us as babies and toddlers

Quote from: learningtolive on May 09, 2013, 09:29:32 PM
It probably won't be as bad as I imagine.

That was my experience. I went in expecting I would upset her, that there'd be shouting or tears, yet I found concern and sympathy instead. I have a bad tendency to make myself miserable dreading things, only for them to then turn out less awful than I expected. Hopefully it goes as well for you as it did for me.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 01, 2013, 11:18:41 AM
I just had an awful dinner. I seem to be developing an eating disorder, i have no appetite whatsoever since i came out to my therapist. My mother ONCE AGAIN eyed me all through dinner and first asked me if i'm taking any pills to kill my appetite, to which i of course replied "No." and then asked me "You TELL ME NOW, what is going on with you? Talk to me. That's not the "MY NAME" i know." To which i said: "I don't wanna...yet."  After a rather small meal she started guessing and i always smiled and said "No, that's not it." or "Nope!". I'm supposed to watch a movie together with my brother, but i don't want to come out to them yet, especially my brother.

I'm so sorry. Parents can be cruel and un caring at times. But you need to go see someone Monday about possibly having an eating disorder. Trust me you don't want one as it becomes very hard to stop and stays with you. If you need to talk pm me

Your mother is not bluffing. If you don't eat they will put you in a hospital and if your under weight you have to stay for quite a while. Trust me it's no fun at all. You need to start eating even if its only a little. Of drinking a resource . Which would be like a boost. You could tell your therapist or someone at a body image center Monday. I'm not sure where you live but you need to start addressing this immediately. Because it gets out of trouble really fast. If you don't want to tell your mom right away that's ok. But you need to tell a therapist or someone like that. Eating disorders normally are started by us to compensate for a problem. This spirals out of control fast and will consume your life. And don't forget that the mortality rate for anorexics is high. You don't want to be labeled a anorexic the recovery is long and crapy

Start Me Up, once you start me up, i'll never stop, never stop, never stop.

Hey CalmRage,

I know what it's like to temper one's eating habits due to emotional strain.  But, you really can't starve yourself.  If the dysphoria is bad, then try to deal with it; however, creating another problem in it's place is only going to make things worse.  I know it's hard to come out to one's family, I'm struggling myself, but things aren't as bad they seem.  Your mom seems concerned and I'm sure she loves you.  Whatever you do, don't take things out on yourself.  It's not a good road to go down.  I'm wishing you all the best.

By the way, Deep purple is great.  I heart Ritchie Blackmore, especially his early work with Rainbow.  One of the most underrated guitar players nowadays.  Try Blackmore's Night for some good calm relaxing music. 

As long as you are eating and getting enough fluids then things should be okay. But you need more than a 1200 calories a day to stay out of the hospital. And by more I mean food more substantial than a can of crisps. I don't want to encourage eating disorder but to keep yourself from the emergency room right now make sure that you are drinking water and getting enough potassium.

If your goal is weight loss/body image then you need to see a doctor to help you balance it out. And you will need support.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 01, 2013, 01:26:43 PM

Anyone know any good female guitarists?

My next appointment with my psychologist will be soon (Aspergers Syndrome). I'll try to work up the courage to speak with her.

Thanks for the kind words.

I doubt they qualify as good but I have enjoyed The Donnas. Then there is Courtney Love. Yeah there's some out there ;)

Quote from: CalmRage on June 01, 2013, 01:26:43 PM
That is one person one can only hate as a person, yet at the same time admire for following his dreams of being a modern ministrel. No matter what the fans say (including me), Blackers can not be persuaded to return to playing Hard Rock.  I took up the guitar because of his playing on In Rock and Live in London and remember thinking "I want to do that too.". My first guitar playing style sounded like a bad copy. Nowadays i sound like a mixture between:

Blackmore
Hendrix &
Zappa

(if i could i would play a little like Vai)

Anyone know any good female guitarists?

My next appointment with my psychologist will be soon (Aspergers Syndrome). I'll try to work up the courage to speak with her.

Thanks for the kind words.

I don't want blackmore to return to rock.  I like that he does his own thing without any pressure.  Plus, I've always appreciated his love for classical and baroque music.  Still, it would have been nice to have seen a rainbow reunion with Dio and Cozy Powell before they passed. 

Vai is great, but it's insanely difficult to play his stuff. I grew up trying to play stuff like that and Yngwie Malmsteen, Jason Becker, and John Petrucci.  At a certain point I just threw my hands in the air. I've had tendinitis I couple times before, I don't have it in me to keep up with them. 

Zappa was a visionary in his own world.  I loved his playing.  It's a shame he is forgotten by many.

There are some great female guitar players, though they tend not to be in the realm of rock/metal.  I can tell you some very talented female classical guitar players.  Lately, I have switched to classical myself, but I still play around with my sg.

Good that you're going to speak with your therapist.  That's a smart move.  For now, just relax and take it easy.  Enjoy some of that good music.  I'm sure it will make you feel better until your next session.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 01, 2013, 01:26:43 PM
Anyone know any good female guitarists?

IIRC Kaki King is listed among the top 10 on Rolling Stone's guitarist hall of fame...

So I technically live at school but if coming out had gone poorly I would've been suddenly looking at paying for college on my own, having no insurance, and trying to transition. For the short version of what I am about to say I have found that research and knowledge can sometimes be your best friend.

Okay, so I came out to one of my friends, and 3 fraternity brothers (two being alumni) first. To be honest I did this because I thought I'd have the highest chances of success because all three brothers are gay, and my friend's mom is a lesbian. When it came to my parents I had planned on a divide and conquer strategy, and yes that was planned in the past tense. So my plan was to get my mom to come out and see me at school, and it was hard to get her alone because my parents knew that I had been unhappy and struggling with school for the past couple of weeks. I wasn't able to hide that from them. I did get her to come out alone however so part one of my plan worked. Now to give a little bit of background on my mom, she worked in pharmaceutical sales for like 20 years, and has a degree in biology so she knows a lot of different medical stuff, and she is decently familiar with the GLB crowd (though still has a lot of misconceptions) and is all around pretty open person.

Now my first mistake was that I thought she handled the part about me having dysphoria really well so I told her too much. I found that talking about hormones and transitioning was probably mot something I should have brought up after having just come out. Also my toenails were painted at the time, and the jury is still out on the net effect of that one. So she was pretty devastated and said some pretty hurtful things (out of ignorance) but I was prepared for the "I feel like my son is dead" comment. I hear that's a common reaction among parents. So I spent the whole week with her teaching her terms and answering questions. Now we agreed that the following week she would come out to visit me with my dad so that I could tell my dad in person. Well my mom outed me in less than 24 hours. I was angry at first but realized that it was unreasonable of me to expect her to not be able to tell my dad. Now my dad on the other hand has been really quiet and I think he's really sad but he hasn't really said anything.

What I've found is that being firm in what I feel is necessary for me has helped a lot with bringing my parents closer to accepting me. Since I've come out it's largely turned into a situation where my mom comes up with possible reasons for why I am not a transsexual and I have to find verifiable evidence to disprove those reasons. I think my parents are still very sad but because they can see that I am suffering and because I can keep on top of things and I'm doing my best to be well informed I am slowly convincing my parents that it is necessary for me to at least try HRT. What I will say is that things still got pretty difficult a times but my parents never stopped loving me.

What I will say is that I ended up going home for a week and I found that one of the most difficult things that was that my parents tended to come to my room and often wanted to talk to me and I felt cornered when they did so. It was very uncomfortable position and put me in no mood to talk, if that happens you might want to think about letting them know. The rest of the time they really wanted to pretend that everything was normal.

Obviously coming out is different for everybody but yeah, know your stuff, be confident, and don't overdue it. Give your folks some time after you tell them what you're feeling.

Edit: I should also note that I took my parents completely by surprise because I am very open about liking women, went to a military high school, and I am an eagle scout.

Wow. It sounds like you girls have had a tough week. At first parents tend to really freak out. I hope they chill out soon. You just never really know how people will react sometimes

Fr what I was told you don't have to have them. After all not all girls act like the same school girl from the movies. If your female well then your female. That part is easy, your hobbies, others interest and who you are gender aside that's the harder part. But as you will find out about being in this group you will actually be able to find out who you are. Which is something many average people go there whole lives without ever figuring it out.

Hey CalmRage, so when I first came out to myself I had a lot of trouble eating and it was mainly due to stress. I would feel hungry but couldn't decided on what I wanted and then when I did eat I would feel sick. That passed in time but for me it had a lot to do with having to accept myself and learning to think in a more productive way for myself. I don't really know if this helps at all, but like now when I go to exercise and I try to eat healthy I just think to myself that it will make me a prettier girl when I start HRT.

I know it's hard when you really don't like the way that your body looks, I hate my facial hair and my head hair isn't nearly long or thick enough right now. I'm overweight still. The worst part for me is that I feel disgusted with myself when I touch my genitals for any reason. It does suck for sure. I will say this though, talking with my therapist has helped me articulate what I am feeling so much better than before because he forces me to expand on what I'm feeling and find ways to explain it.

As far as what kind of girl I am well I'll admit it, I am for the most part a very girly girl but that won't stop me from swearing like a sailor. Before I came out though I did 0 things that were considered feminine. The point is though, like Tristan said if your female, you're female. So maybe you're a tom boy but your still female if you're female.

Edit: Yes I have mood swings, though always in the downward direction. I will go from being normal to just laying on the couch not being able work up the motivation to do anything and feeling really sad.

My mom is still concerned but basically for breakfast I eat a cinnamon raisin bagel with non-fat cream cheese, and a glass of orange juice. Lunch varies but it's nothing big. Dinner: a weight watcher or lean cuisine meal and then I'll snack on strawberries and carrots when I get hungry in between. Also I randomly drink fat free milk, and will often have another bagel at random times in the day. It's still pretty sparse and I wish there was more meat involved but it's get me through the day without problems.

With what you've got there, you need more. There's no way around it, but that's not healthy. You're body needs nutrients I know you hate it, but you need to find some way to get what you need. Whether that's overcoming what you're feeling or just eating small quantities a lot.

Yeah that's not good either, but starving your self can cause a lot health problems just like being overweight can.

gah, cake is bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   >:(

Go get some fruit or vegetables!

I'm not sure what the rules are where you live but where I live your therapist can't give out confidential information unless you give them permission to do so. Honestly I'm sure that your therapist can help you, the worst that could happen is that they tell you they can't and you find a new one.

The bad part is that therapist just so happens to be someone i've known for years and who helped me in school because of my Aspergers. He's not a normal therapist, he's specializing in autistic people.

I'm going to come out as soon as i've actually worn female attire. (Try doing that without getting caught)

Edit: My mother just cried and asked me: What the hell is wrong with you? You've been behaving strange for the last few days. We're all worried. I felt really sorry for her and told her i'll tell her in a few days (unlikely) or in a few weeks (which is likelier).

Why does it seem like my mother knows? Her choice of words was rather strange.

Sara,

I know it's hard to go through all this, but try to help ease your mom's concerns.  She loves you and doesn't want to see you suffer.  That doesn't mean you have to come out yet, but you could try to eat and let her know you are okay.  You will be okay and will get through this.  For now, try to keep healthy and maintain a positive dialogue with your mom.

Quote from: learningtolive on June 03, 2013, 03:07:30 PM
Sara,

I know it's hard to go through all this, but try to help ease your mom's concerns.  She loves you and doesn't want to see you suffer.  That doesn't mean you have to come out yet, but you could try to eat and let her know you are okay.  You will be okay and will get through this.  For now, try to keep healthy and maintain a positive dialogue with your mom.

I'm trying. I can't stand seeing her cry. She has enough problems as is at the moment. She has to care for a family member who has just been in a motorcycle accident and will not be able to walk for some time.

She seems like she will be ok with you being transsexual . I would just tell her now so she can stop being so scared and worried

Quote from: CalmRage on June 03, 2013, 03:09:43 PM
I'm trying. I can't stand seeing her cry. She has enough problems as is at the moment. She has to care for a family member who has just been in a motorcycle accident and will not be able to walk for some time.

If you see her crying, give her a big hug and tell her you love her.  She'll appreciate that.

Quote from: Tristan on June 03, 2013, 03:18:07 PM
She seems like she will be ok with you being transsexual . I would just tell her now so she can stop being so scared and worried

I agree with Tristan.  You don't want to prolong her concerns.  She seems to really love you and sounds genuinely interested in helping you through this.

Tomorrow maybe. It's getting late in Germany.

One weird thing that happened two or three days ago:

My mom: My, look how long your hair has gotten

And i thought: You don't say?

Somehow i managed to become obsessed with licking my lips since coming out to my therapist. Now my mother wants me to use some kind of skin cream on them. I was actually hoping for lip balm   :D

Edit: My cousin just visited us. She told me that if there is anything i want to talk about, i can always call her. She promised that whatever i'll tell her, she will not tell anyone. I'm thinking of coming out to her. We have always been close.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 04, 2013, 10:34:29 AM
Somehow i managed to become obsessed with licking my lips since coming out to my therapist. Now my mother wants me to use some kind of skin cream on them. I was actually hoping for lip balm   :D

Edit: My cousin just visited us. She told me that if there is anything i want to talk about, i can always call her. She promised that whatever i'll tell her, she will not tell anyone. I'm thinking of coming out to her. We have always been close.

If you feel comfortable telling her, go for it!  I wish you the best of luck :)

Quote from: learningtolive on June 04, 2013, 11:30:02 PM
If you feel comfortable telling her, go for it!  I wish you the best of luck :)

I was going to write a letter to my mother (about this in general) and my therapist (in detail as compared to the brief talk last week) (i thought about it while sitting in class), then i got unsure again, then i got sure again,

the torture,
the torture,
the torture never stops.

As much as a I love Zoot Allures, the torture never stops is a song with fictional lyrics.  There is no evil prince torturing you.  You are the one torturing yourself.  IF you aren't ready to tell family, please at least tell your therapist.  They won't judge.  They are there to help.  The torture can stop if you try to break through.  You can do this :)

I'm only glad i'm beginning to embrace feminine things and am jealous of the girls at our school in the city for leading a girl life.

For a while i was so afraid of feminine things (because i desperately didn't want to be confronted), that i even stopped drinking Energy Drinks because some douchebag told me it makes one grow breasts.

Right now, i can actually imagine having breasts. In fact, the thing i am most sure about, which shows me this is completely real, is that i know i don't want to live as a male forever and am afraid of it.

Someone calling me Sara soothes my soul a bit. I actually felt awkward writing my birthname in a test today. Yesterday, as long as i didn't look at my body too much, i felt quite a bit more like a woman than before. Right now i can't stand looking at my paws. I avoid looking at my hands.

And my mother wants me to see my psychologist. I didn't tell her yet but she asked me if i wanted to talk to my psychologist.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 05, 2013, 10:45:49 AM
I'm only glad i'm beginning to embrace feminine things and am jealous of the girls at our school in the city for leading a girl life.

For a while i was so afraid of feminine things (because i desperately didn't want to be confronted), that i even stopped drinking Energy Drinks because some douchebag told me it makes one grow breasts.

Right now, i can actually imagine having breasts. In fact, the thing i am most sure about, which shows me this is completely real, is that i know i don't want to live as a male forever and am afraid of it.

Someone calling me Sara soothes my soul a bit. I actually felt awkward writing my birthname in a test today. Yesterday, as long as i didn't look at my body too much, i felt quite a bit more like a woman than before. Right now i can't stand looking at my paws. I avoid looking at my hands.

One of the first things that I noticed was that I felt really uncomfortable checking male on any forms.

Quote from: Naomi on June 05, 2013, 12:56:46 PM
One of the first things that I noticed was that I felt really uncomfortable checking male on any forms.

it's like male me is slowly fading away at the moment. I find myself actually wishing for girly things. I have a plan on how to try on female clothes (hopefully come around to it soon):

Wait when mom is out of the house
Go to take a shower
but before
Try something on
Put it on back on the pile and deliberately carelessly toss the used towel on the pile after the shower

I don't see myself anymore when hearing my name. While i never hated it and never really will (it has a cool backstory) i obviously do want to change it one day.
Right now i'm in an awkward period where one day i refer to myself as Sara, and the other as nothing.

My mood swings make me sick. Imagine this:

Hour 1: You know it is real but somehow you are all confused. You ask yourself if it's self-delusion but you know it's not.
Hour 2: You feel like a (very tomboyish) girl  and you want to change and you know you'll never be happy as a man. You feel jealous and hate that you missed out and are missing out on so many things. You're feeling guilty and jealous because you don't feel all too typically girly, even though you want to be one.
Hour 3: You feel nothing at all
Hour 4: Weird uplifting mood
Hour 5: Nothing
Hour 6: Your mind feels clouded.

It's all confusing.

Right now i'm trying to make myself cry. Usually i'm quick to cry but i haven't cried in weeks, which doesn't help. I'm listening to some music which almost always gets me emotional, but somehow doesn't this time around. It does not help with the tension.

Edit: I looked at myself in the mirror. Where do i belong? I'm ugly in every possible way and can't imagine me not being ugly.

I would suggest you try not to cry and get yourself emotional.  That may be counter productive.  For now, just relax and place your mind somewhere peaceful.  Listen to some of that great music you're into and focus on positive thoughts.  You can address this once you see your therapist.  There is no need to work yourself up into a frenzy in the meantime.  Everything will be okay.

Quote from: learningtolive on June 05, 2013, 04:21:34 PM
I would suggest you try not to cry and get yourself emotional.  That may be counter productive.  For now, just relax and place your mind somewhere peaceful.  Listen to some of that great music you're into and focus on positive thoughts.  You can address this once you see your therapist.  There is no need to work yourself up into a frenzy in the meantime.  Everything will be okay.

My mother just told me my psychologist's appointment is tomorrow at 1pm.

I am so confused at the moment but i can't see myself living as a man forever.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 06, 2013, 10:40:45 AM
My mother just told me my psychologist's appointment is tomorrow at 1pm.

I am so confused at the moment but i can't see myself living as a man forever.

That's great!  You will be able to address this very soon.  No need to worry about the far future.  Just concern yourself with today for the moment. 

Quote from: learningtolive on June 06, 2013, 10:54:31 AM
That's great!  You will be able to address this very soon.  No need to worry about the far future.  Just concern yourself with today for the moment.

Yesterday i wanted to harm myself. Didn't do anything though.

Suicide however, no one needs to worry about. I don't want my family to get sad.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 06, 2013, 10:56:42 AM
Yesterday i wanted to harm myself. Didn't do anything though.

Suicide however, no one needs to worry about. I don't want my family to get sad.

That's good.  Self harm is a bad way to deal with a temporary problem.  There are so many great ways to deal with these issues.  I hope you will keep this in mind whenever you feel that way. 

Occasionally i see a cis-girl and think "hmm, wouldn't mind looking at least a bit like that and wearing that".

Wrote something i'll give to my psychologist tomorrow. However i think i may refuse to talk tomorrow. I have constant mood swings that confuse me. I'm sure of something and the next moment, i'm not. My mood swing happened while i was looking at a picture of Bob Dylan that i have seen before. Didn't react that way then. I mean what i write but i feel i'm going insane. Male bodies look really disgusting too. I have to go through this all or i'll never be happy, despite all doubts.

My face is hideous. And my body...i don't like it. Sometimes i feel like puking while looking at it and other times i just go....doesn't look good.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 06, 2013, 01:52:31 PM
Wrote something i'll give to my psychologist tomorrow. However i think i may refuse to talk tomorrow. I have constant mood swings that confuse me. I'm sure of something and the next moment, i'm not. My mood swing happened while i was looking at a picture of Bob Dylan that i have seen before. Didn't react that way then. I mean what i write but i feel i'm going insane. Male bodies look really disgusting too. I have to go through this all or i'll never be happy, despite all doubts.

Even if your thoughts fluctuate, it doesn't hurt to tell you doctor.  The more information you provide, the better they can help.

As for male bodies looking disgusting, well, I fundamentally disagree  ;)

Quote from: learningtolive on June 06, 2013, 03:48:25 PM
Even if your thoughts fluctuate, it doesn't hurt to tell you doctor.  The more information you provide, the better they can help.

As for male bodies looking disgusting, well, I fundamentally disagree  ;)

Have to find a way to take my written text with me, i'll be trying not to run away after giving her the text.

You can write it on your phone or on a small piece of paper and put in your pocket.  There are many different ways.  Don't worry about running away.  Therapists are there to help, not judge or criticize. 

Quote from: learningtolive on June 06, 2013, 04:05:33 PM
You can write it on your phone or on a small piece of paper and put in your pocket.  There are many different ways.  Don't worry about running away.  Therapists are there to help, not judge or criticize.

that psychologist knows me longer than my therapist does. She also put me on anti-depressants, but then again, i was very depressed because of family matters too. What if she says i'll always be a boy? I'm worried and nervous and i have nothing to write on in my room i think. I already have a coming-out poem in english in my wallet and it was written the day i joined here. Guess i'll have to be courageous.

But with the amount of worrying i actually grow a lot surer. I can't imagine what i'd look like on treatment, but i want it more and more and hope to talk to my psychologist about everything, but i'm nervous. I haven't even worn female clothing but somehow i just know, but is that enough?

Quote from: CalmRage on June 06, 2013, 04:11:24 PM
that psychologist knows me longer than my therapist does. She also put me on anti-depressants, but then again, i was very depressed because of family matters too. What if she says i'll always be a boy? I'm worried and nervous and i have nothing to write on in my room i think. I already have a coming-out poem in english in my wallet and it was written the day i joined here. Guess i'll have to be courageous.

But with the amount of worrying i actually grow a lot surer. I can't imagine what i'd look like on treatment, but i want it more and more and hope to talk to my psychologist about everything, but i'm nervous. I haven't even worn female clothing but somehow i just know, but is that enough?

Before worrying about the what ifs, try to give your doctor the benefit of the doubt and talk to them.  Just be honest and tell them what you feel.  And explain why you feel the way you do.   There is nothing to worry about.  After you hear what they have to say, you can judge whether you would be better served visiting a different medical professional.  I visit my therapist in boys clothes because I can't leave the house dressed due to me being in the closet with my family.  She is understanding about this and is trying to guide me to come out and gain more acceptance. Any therapist that is worth it will understand that gender is a complex issue and that there are difficulties involved. 

Quote from: learningtolive on June 06, 2013, 04:18:31 PM
Before worrying about the what ifs, try to give your doctor the benefit of the doubt and talk to them.  Just be honest and tell them what you feel.  And explain why you feel the way you do.   There is nothing to worry about.  After you hear what they have to say, you can judge whether you would be better served visiting a different medical professional.  I visit my therapist in boys clothes because I can't leave the house dressed due to me being in the closet with my family.  She is understanding about this and is trying to guide me to come out and gain more acceptance. Any therapist that is worth it will understand that gender is a complex issue and that there are difficulties involved.

The only people who know are:

my best friend (he knows everything)
my therapist (he knows some)

Why do i sometimes find very feminine things repulsive and unimaginable for myself and then imaginable?

I know how i feel inside, is this just some sort of internal transphobia?

Have you looked into what's called gender fluid? When you tell your therapist what's going on you might want to ask bout that.

Quote from: Naomi on June 07, 2013, 10:46:56 AM
Have you looked into what's called gender fluid? When you tell your therapist what's going on you might want to ask bout that.

I can't imagine even somehow being male.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 07, 2013, 10:43:02 AM
Why do i sometimes find very feminine things repulsive and unimaginable for myself and then imaginable?

I know how i feel inside, is this just some sort of internal transphobia?

I can't say with certainty.  Everyone is different.  However, masculinity and femininity have nothing to do with ones gender.  They are just character traits overall.  There are plenty fem guys and masculine women.  I'd consider myself a feminine girl with some masculine interests like video games and my music taste. 

I can't imagine myself being an overly feminine person, but living as a guy, i don't know if i want to continue forever.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 07, 2013, 11:10:42 AM
I can't imagine myself being an overly feminine person, but living as a guy, i don't know if i want to continue forever.

That's fine.  Just be you.  That's all that matters. 

Now i'm extremely depressed again. This is all so hard. I wish i was never born.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 07, 2013, 11:17:13 AM
Now i'm extremely depressed again. This is all so hard. I wish i was never born.

I've been there. Just hang in there and things will get better.  You saw your doctor and felt more comfortable.  Things will only improve with time.  For now, why don't you try and take your mind off of it.  I know you like music.  So, how about listening to music that cheers you up.  Or you can play your guitar as I know that can have a calming effect. 

Quote from: learningtolive on June 07, 2013, 11:26:21 AM
I've been there. Just hang in there and things will get better.  You saw your doctor and felt more comfortable.  Things will only improve with time.  For now, why don't you try and take your mind off of it.  I know you like music.  So, how about listening to music that cheers you up.  Or you can play your guitar as I know that can have a calming effect.

Now i'm extremely confused. Sometimes i want things, sometimes i don't. Sometimes i feel repulsed, sometimes i don't. Sometimes i feel like i am deluding myself, sometimes i don't. I know what doesn't cheer me up: not having a friend in the world except one person that lives one to two hours away.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 07, 2013, 11:28:00 AM
Now i'm extremely confused. Sometimes i want things, sometimes i don't. Sometimes i feel repulsed, sometimes i don't. Sometimes i feel like i am deluding myself, sometimes i don't. I know what doesn't cheer me up: not having a friend in the world except one person that lives one to two hours away.

CalmRage, please don't torture yourself.  You will find the answers in time.  Your being proactive about it by seeing someone.  That's a good thing.  Try not to worry so much.  Find something to take your mind off of all this.  Reading, music, tv, movies, going for a walk, anything.  It's better to not work yourself into a depressive state. 

While in the shower i thought about killing myself. Not going to do anything. Sitting and looking out for the future. I'm not going to be posting here for a while. Might return though, but need some time to gather my wits again.

Another reason why i can't possibly be a girl:

1.I was really bothered when my mother interrupted my Doctor Who session to make me try on some clothes she bought for me. I wanted to continue watching.
2.I don't like shopping.

Alright, slowly snapping out of pseudo-denial here. After Naomi's comment my mind flew into some sort of rage, then i denied everything feminine, behaved as male as possible and slowly my confusion is coming back.

And how come i AM jealous of some of you girls on here? If only i could play guitar, that would calm me down. My throat is too sore to sing, too. I have an awful cough, i haven't eaten anything today except a way too salty pretzel. Actually thought about deliberately starving myself. Can't think of living BETWEEN the genders either. It's like i have a split personality. I am afraid to talk to my psychologist for fear of (guess what is there again) rejection.

Somehow some manly feelings actually felt good for a while, not because they're male, but because that's the way i behave, which i actually have suppressed a bit. Why does it all bother me so much, then?

Quote from: CalmRage on June 08, 2013, 05:19:31 AM
Another reason why i can't possibly be a girl:

1.I was really bothered when my mother interrupted my Doctor Who session to make me try on some clothes she bought for me. I wanted to continue watching.
2.I don't like shopping.

Some girls love doctor who.  It's not a show made for boys.
Some girls aren't obsessed with shopping.  That is more or a less a stereotype.  One that fits me, but I digress.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 08, 2013, 09:21:32 AM
And how come i AM jealous of some of you girls on here? If only i could play guitar, that would calm me down. My throat is too sore to sing, too. I have an awful cough, i haven't eaten anything today except a way too salty pretzel. Actually thought about deliberately starving myself. Can't think of living BETWEEN the genders either. It's like i have a split personality. I am afraid to talk to my psychologist for fear of (guess what is there again) rejection.

Somehow some manly feelings actually felt good for a while, not because they're male, but because that's the way i behave, which i actually have suppressed a bit. Why does it all bother me so much, then?

There are plenty of girls that I'm jealous of.  I think it's part of being a women.  Comparing yourself to other girls and feeling inadequate when comparing and contrasting.  It's normal.  Just don't do it too much and appreciate yourself for who you are.

Please, don't be afraid to talk to your psychologist.  What's better?  Sitting around feeling terrible or being proactive and getting treatment?  The latter sounds like the best option to me. 

Quote from: learningtolive on June 08, 2013, 10:30:08 AM
Some girls love doctor who.  It's not a show made for boys.
Some girls aren't obsessed with shopping.  That is more or a less a stereotype.  One that fits me, but I digress.

There are plenty of girls that I'm jealous of.  I think it's part of being a women.  Comparing yourself to other girls and feeling inadequate when comparing and contrasting.  It's normal.  Just don't do it too much and appreciate yourself for who you are.

Please, don't be afraid to talk to your psychologist.  What's better?  Sitting around feeling terrible or being proactive and getting treatment?  The latter sounds like the best option to me.

i'm a confused mess. Sometimes i feel like a girl, sometimes i don't. Sometimes i wish to be like myself, but as a girl, sometimes i don't know.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 08, 2013, 10:34:16 AM
i'm a confused mess. Sometimes i feel like a girl, sometimes i don't. Sometimes i wish to be like myself, but as a girl, sometimes i don't know.

That's okay :)  It's all the more reason why it would be helpful to speak with your doctors about it.  They will help you through this and enable you to find your true path.  There is no need to worry or fear.  You'll get there.  Just be honest with your doctors and be proactive about it.  And whenever you feel down about it, just try to take your mind off of it.  There is no need to beat yourself up over having some confusion.  It's okay.

Quote from: learningtolive on June 08, 2013, 10:55:39 AM
That's okay :)  It's all the more reason why it would be helpful to speak with your doctors about it.  They will help you through this and enable you to find your true path.  There is no need to worry or fear.  You'll get there.  Just be honest with your doctors and be proactive about it.  And whenever you feel down about it, just try to take your mind off of it.  There is no need to beat yourself up over having some confusion.  It's okay.

I am kind of afraid of NOT being transsexual. What the hell does that mean?

I did have one female role model (don't laugh):

Lisa Simpson

I was really into that show a few years ago.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 08, 2013, 11:28:39 AM
I am kind of afraid of NOT being transsexual. What the hell does that mean?

There is no need to be afraid of yourself.  You will find out your proper course in time.  Just make sure you discuss this with you medical providers.  They aren't there to judge or deny you.  They are there to help you find the right path for you.  Please, stop letting this eat you up.  I've been there and can tell you it's not worth it.

There are times where i do feel very feminine and i like them more than the times where i feel rather masculine. Overall, i have difficulties with it and kick myself for that.

The male happiness is fake happiness. I'd call it McDonalds happiness. It is not real, it is only like "temporary escape". The feminine happiness is stronger and euphoric. I want to get this all over with despite my conflicting feelings.

This one moment one thinks of telling their parents and then another mood swing. One is still sure, just decides to wait some more.
I am Sara, i'm sure of that, not "birthname".

I don't like many female things, but yet my gender and body really bother and haunt me.

I can't go on like this. Jealousy and confusion are killing me. I need to write my psychologist that i need therapy. I'm going mad here and my grades are suffering. I couldn't study in our living room today because i need a lot of time for myself.

Just went upstairs to come out to my mom, but chickened out again.

I just wrote her via Facebook. Going to lock myself in now until she answers.

I know what your going through CalmRage. I often feel the same, Don't know if this is right for me or not. Only thing about me, and you might look into this yourself when I am feeling feminine and dressing the part, I feel like I am truly happy. I take care of myself better and look forward to the future. Yes there is times when I feel discouraged and depressed ( yesterday was one of them). When I am in boy mode as in thoughts of being feminine are almost non existent I don't care about anything and anybody I am depressed a lot and can't figure out why. I avoid hanging out with friends , only ones I do hang out with regularly are at work, and just want to be left alone. If I do hang out with friends I am usually not very talkative. In boy mode I remind myself of the main star in "Rules of Engagement"

When I look into myself I realise I know what I want and Know what it will take to be happy. It is a long treacherous rode ahead and there will be alot of times I feel this isn't what I want but deep down I know it to be what I truly want. If I can make it through I feel that then My life will be complete.

As far as you wanting to feel like yourself but in a girls body. You will keep every part of your personality that you wish to keep, nothing will change that except your view on what parts you wish to discard. 

Her reaction seems to be ok, but i'm still afraid of going upstairs right now.

She was a little bit in disbelief at first simply because i didn't take very good care of myself the last few years.

Sara, this is really great.  Your mother has been concerned for quite some time.  If anything, I'm sure she is relieved to know what's going on so she can be there for you.  I'm very happy to hear that you are being proactive about this and working on moving towards a happy path. 

Like LTL said it looks like your mother knew something was wrong and now that she knows what it is She can help you through it.

I feel like throwing myself off a cliff.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 09, 2013, 01:11:14 PM
I feel like throwing myself off a cliff.

Oh honey don't do that. You have to much to live for and so much to see

Quote from: Tristan on June 09, 2013, 01:13:25 PM
Oh honey don't do that. You have to much to live for and so much to see

You're right. I want to see my niece grow up. It's just....this one moment one really wants to be female, the next moment one doubts oneself simply because one feels weird, not really feminine. I don't know what to think, to do, to say. I only know i mean whatever i post on here.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 09, 2013, 01:11:14 PM
I feel like throwing myself off a cliff.

That would solve nothing as you already know.  You're a Zappa fan.  I'm sure you remember that he referred to that as the sport of chumps.  Well, you aren't a chump.  Don't hurt yourself over something that is temporary and resolvable.

Your mom had a good first reaction to it.  It will never be easy, but in time things will come around in time. 

Hang in there.

That's just part of being a moody girl. Hormones make us more emotional and it seems like the first 2-3 years on them that second puberty can be trying. But yes you have alot to live for and alot of fun to have.

Quote from: learningtolive on June 09, 2013, 01:16:21 PM
That would solve nothing as you already know.  You're a Zappa fan.  I'm sure you remember that he referred to that as the sport of chumps.  Well, you aren't a chump.  Don't hurt yourself over something that is temporary and resolvable.

Your mom had a good first reaction to it.  It will never be easy, but in time things will come around in time. 

Hang in there.

I feel lost at times, almost like i am schizophrenic. I also doubt myself because i have never worn female clothing and am nervous and a little uncomfortable.

You're on the bridge;
Scared to leap,
But a girl walks over
To take a peep . . .
She says: "DON'T DO IT!"
But wouldn't you know . . .
The girl got a head
Like a buffalo
With a little red hair
All over the top
An' her breath would make the
Traffic stop
She says "I LOVE YOU . . .
BUT FIRST, LET'S EAT!"
And all you can say as you run down the street is . .

We all want the answers and solutions to life immediately.  It's understandable.  But sometimes you have to be patient for it to present itself to you.  Just give it some time and continue working with you doctors.  You will be okay.

Tomorrow i'll finally be able to get my guitar repaired. It'll make things a little more bearable.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 09, 2013, 01:23:28 PM
Tomorrow i'll finally be able to get my guitar repaired. It'll make things a little more bearable.

That's great.  What make is it?

Quote from: learningtolive on June 09, 2013, 01:24:17 PM
That's great.  What make is it?

Ibanez RG370DX, painted black (or paint it black, if you prefer "cue sitar playing")

Quote from: CalmRage on June 09, 2013, 01:25:13 PM
Ibanez RG370DX, painted black (or paint it black, if you prefer "cue sitar playing")

I've always wanted to try an Ibanez.  You're lucky.  See, you have something great to look forward tomorrow :)

Currently I play a Gibson SG and a Manuel Rodriguez Classical Guitar.

Quote from: learningtolive on June 09, 2013, 01:27:56 PM
I've always wanted to try an Ibanez.  You're lucky.  See, you have something great to look forward tomorrow :)

Currently I play a Gibson SG and a Manuel Rodriguez Classical Guitar.

When i was younger, i wanted to play a Stratocaster like the one Ritchie Blackmore is always playing with a couple of gigantic Marshall amps.

Ibanez probably is easier to play, though. I smashed my Classical Guitar after an argument with my dad last year. A friend of mine asked me what that was like, he plays in a band but never dared to smash his instrument and i told him "Trust me, it really is not as cool as one might think." Especially since my technique improved a lot during that time.

That's how it's done, keep your mind off of everything negative and think of something that intrigues you interest. A.K.A. playing guitars ect. :)

I need to remember that piece of information a little more.

Quote from: misschievous on June 09, 2013, 01:51:01 PM
That's how it's done, keep your mind off of everything negative and think of something that intrigues you interest. A.K.A. playing guitars ect. :)

I need to remember that piece of information a little more.

i didn't realise just how much my playing improved until i rediscovered one of my old recordings yesterday. So gradual i didn't notice it before.

Awesome. :) For me it's singing :) I love to sing. Mostly DMB, Smashing Pumpkins, STP, Bob Dylan, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead, Sheryl Crow, and Recently I have gotten really into a singer I used to love back in the 90's Aaliyah. I also love to rap along with Bizzy Bone( greatest rapper to ever live) wheter it's BTH or his single albums

Quote from: misschievous on June 09, 2013, 01:59:01 PM
Awesome. :) For me it's singing :) I love to sing. Mostly DMB, Smashing Pumpkins, STP, Bob Dylan, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead, Sheryl Crow, and Recently I have gotten really into a singer I used to love back in the 90's Aaliyah. I also love to rap along with Bizzy Bone( greatest rapper to ever live) wheter it's BTH or his single albums

Singing, too, but i sound like a tortured donkey with very poor technique. Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, Pink Floyd, Rainbow, Manfred Mann's Earth Band, select Zappa (try Inca Roads or Uncle Meat, just try it), Bob Dylan, The Beatles.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 09, 2013, 02:02:16 PM
Singing, too, but i sound like a tortured donkey with very poor technique. Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, Pink Floyd, Rainbow, Manfred Mann's Earth Band, select Zappa (try Inca Roads or Uncle Meat, just try it), Bob Dylan, The Beatles.

Oh I love Pink Floyd and Zeppelin :) Right now my music is more towards my last post. One thing about me I have a top ten almost all are pre 2000 with exception of Staind, Nickelback and few others. Music now sounds to technoish or what used to be Punk is now EMO 

But My top ten changes from time to time there will be a spell where Pink Floyd is high in my top ten

Try singing this in all its a-rhythmic glory:

Did a vehicle
Come from somewhere out there
Just to land in the Andes?
Was it round
And did it have
A motor
Or was it
Something
Different

or

Ya ya ya ya ya
ahhhahahhhhhhhh
Ya ya ya ya ya
ahhhahahhhhhhhh
Fuzzy dice & bongos
FUZZY DICE
I got 'em
At the Pep Boys . . . at the BOYYYYYYYYS
Fuzzy Dice & bongos
Brodie knob & spinners
Chromium plated
Ha Ha Ha

Who was that?
Or was that a Pep Boys Commercial?
lol

Quote from: misschievous on June 09, 2013, 02:28:06 PM
Who was that?
Or was that a Pep Boys Commercial?
lol

Uncle Meat - Zappa (title track of the album Uncle Meat by the Mothers)

Oh ok never got into Frank Zappa

Quote from: misschievous on June 09, 2013, 02:29:58 PM
Oh ok never got into Frank Zappa

You don't like music in 13/8? Or drummer A playing in 7/8, drummer B playing in 3/4, the bass playing in 3/4, the organ playing in 5/8, the tambourine playing in 3/4, and the alto sax blowing his nose?

IDK never really heard

Not that I don't like them just never heard them or if I did then I didn't know it was Zappa

Quote from: misschievous on June 09, 2013, 02:35:25 PM
IDK never really heard

Not that I don't like them just never heard them or if I did then I didn't know it was Zappa

What did you think of the Led Zeppelin reunion with the songs played in lower keys?

I haven't heard it. I have their discography, I might have to check it out though.

Favorite album is probably Houses of the Holy. Dy'er Maker is one of my all time favorite songs

Quote from: misschievous on June 09, 2013, 02:46:52 PM
Favorite album is probably Houses of the Holy. Dy'er Maker is one of my all time favorite songs

That album really helped me out last week. One day after i joined i was in deep depression. One listen to the sped-up vocals on The Song Remains The Same and i was laughing like mad.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 09, 2013, 02:47:50 PM
That album really helped me out last week. One day after i joined i was in deep depression. One listen to the sped-up vocals on The Song Remains The Same and i was laughing like mad.

:)

One I like to listen to sped up is PHISH- "Fast Enough For You"

We're Only In It For The Money features basic tracks and overdubs recorded at various speeds to create a unique sound.

One of the best and a quite touching track on that album is Mom and Dad:

Mama! Mama!
Someone said they made some noise
The cops have shot some girls & boys
You'll sit home & drink all night
They looked too weird . . . it served them right

Mama! Mama!
Someone said they made some noise
The cops have shot some girls & boys
You'll sit home & drink all night
They looked too weird . . . it served them right

Ever take a minute just to show a real emotion
In between the moisture cream & velvet facial lotion?
Ever tell your kids you're glad that they can think?
Ever say you loved 'em? Ever let 'em watch you drink?
Ever wonder why your daughter looked so sad?
It's such a drag to have to love a plastic Mom & Dad

Mama! Mama!
Your child was killed in the park today
Shot by the cops as she quietly lay
By the side of the creeps she knew . . .
They killed her too.

I think I remember a post you did the other day with those lyrics in it :P

I think it was when we were going back and forth in the song name game :)

That was fun it, to me it was like try to stump the other. :)

Quote from: misschievous on June 09, 2013, 02:55:54 PM
I think I remember a post you did the other day with those lyrics in it :P

I think it was when we were going back and forth in the song name game :)

That was fun it, to me it was like try to stump the other. :)

I know right?

Here's another one:

What's the ugliest
Part of your body?
What's the ugliest
Part of your body?
Some say your nose
Some say your toes
(I think it's your mind)
But I think it's YOUR MIND
(Your mind)
I think it's your mind, woo woo

ALL YOUR CHILDREN ARE POOR
UNFORTUNATE VICTIMS OF
SYSTEMS BEYOND THEIR CONTROL
A PLAGUE UPON YOUR IGNORANCE & THE GRAY
DESPAIR OF YOUR UGLY LIFE

Where did Annie go
When she went to town?
Who are all those creeps
That she brings around?

ALL YOUR CHILDREN ARE POOR
UNFORTUNATE VICTIMS OF LIES YOU BELIEVE
A PLAGUE UPON YOUR IGNORANCE THAT KEEPS
THE YOUNG FROM THE TRUTH THEY DESERVE . . .

Darkness at the break of noon
Shadows even the silver spoon
The handmade blade, the child's balloon
Eclipses both the sun and moon
To understand you know too soon, there is no sense in trying

Pointed threats, they bluff with scorn
Suicide remarks are torn
From the fool's gold mouthpiece the hollow horn
Plays wasted words proves to warn
That he not busy being born is busy dying

Temptation's page flies out the door
You follow, find yourself at war
Watch waterfalls of pity roar
You feel to moan but unlike before
You discover that you'd just be one more person crying

So don't fear if you hear
A foreign sound to your ear
It's alright, Ma, I'm only sighing

As some warn victory, some downfall
Private reasons great or small
Can be seen in the eyes of those that call
To make all that should be killed to crawl
While others say don't hate nothing at all, except hatred

Disillusioned words like bullets bark
As human gods aim for their mark
Made everything from toy guns that spark
To flesh-colored Christs that glow in the dark
It's easy to see without looking too far that not much is really sacred

Our preachers preach of evil fates
Teachers teach that knowledge waits
Can lead to hundred-dollar plates
Goodness hides behind its gates
But even the President of the United States
Sometimes must have to stand naked

An' all the rules of the road have been lodged
It's only people's games that you got to dodge
And it's alright, Ma, I can make it

Advertising signs that con you
Into thinking you're the one
That can do what's never been done
That can win what's never been won
Meantime life outside goes on all around you

You lose yourself, you reappear
You suddenly find you got nothing to fear
Alone you stand with nobody near
When a trembling distant voice, unclear
Startles your sleeping ears to hear
That somebody thinks they really found you
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/its-alright-ma-lyrics-bob-dylan.html (http://www.metrolyrics.com/its-alright-ma-lyrics-bob-dylan.html) ]

A question in your nerves is lit
Yet you know there is no answer fit
To satisfy insure you not to quit
To keep it in your mind and not forget
That it is not he or she or them or it that you belong to

Although the masters make the rules
For the wise men and the fools
I got nothing, Ma, to live up to

For them that must obey authority
That they do not respect in any degree
Who despise their jobs, their destinies
Speak jealously of them that are free
Do what they do just to be
Nothing more than something they invest in

While some on principles baptized
To strict party platform ties
Social clubs in drag disguise
Outsiders they can freely criticize
Tell nothing except who to idolize and say, "God bless him"

While one who sings with his tongue on fire
Gargles in the rat race choir
Bent out of shape from society's pliers
Cares not to come up any higher
But rather get you down in the hole that he's in

But I mean no harm nor put fault
On anyone that lives in a vault
But it's alright, Ma, if I can't please him

Old lady judges watch people in pairs
Limited in sex, they dare
To push fake morals, insult and stare
While money doesn't talk, it swears
Obscenity, who really cares propaganda, all is phony

While them that defend what they cannot see
With a killer's pride, security
It blows the minds most bitterly
For them that think death's honesty
Won't fall upon them naturally
Life sometimes must get lonely

My eyes collide head-on with stuffed graveyards
False goals, I scuff at pettiness which plays so rough
Walk upside-down inside handcuffs
Kick my legs to crash it off
Say, "Okay, I have had enough, what else can you show me?"

And if my thought dreams could be seen
They'd probably put my head in a guillotine
But it's alright, Ma, it's life, and life only


I have a confession to make..... I didn't type all this although I know all the lyrics being favorite Bob Dylan song but Just alot to type BOLD FACE my favorite lines

I told you once about a place that I had accidentally stumbled upon
Can you imagine how it feels to find somewhere that you can do no wrong
But it's alright you're safe in my hands

I'll meet you in the sky tonight and we will trace some undiscovered stars
We'll go beyond the universe beyond all understanding, hey, it's not that far
But it's alright I feel safe in your hands

I can't stand living this way
Getting by from day to day
I'm drinking from your loving cup
I told you things were looking cup
Oh oh oh so good
Oh it feels so good

We're all the same but then again we're all quite different in our own peculiar ways
We've come so far and now we're going through another phase
But it's alright
We made it so far

I can't stand living this way
Getting by from day to day
I'm drinking from your loving cup
Told you things were looking cup

As we all know it's hard to breathe when something spiritual has taken place
We don't know why we don't know how we've been transformed into a state of grace
But it's alright
We walk in our sleep
Yes it's alright
This is rapture of the deep

I like a little Deep Purple don't know much of their songs

Quote from: misschievous on June 09, 2013, 03:13:08 PM
I like a little Deep Purple don't know much of their songs

Their new album includes two songs dedicated to their former keyboarder, who died of cancer last year.

Here's one:

Light up a candle
Start one for me
Let it float on the water
Right down to the sea
Draw back your curtain
Wave me goodbye
Lift up your arms
And look up to the sky
To the sky

Start me a candle
Keep it alight
Put it there in the window
And I'll come back tonight
Touch me in the darkness
I'll send you a sign
Give me your loving
And I'll give you mine

I may be leaving
But I won't be gone
I'll be there when you want me
Above and beyond

Nothing I can tell you
It's all up to you
I'll be here if you need me
Am I getting through
Rest on your sadness
And tomorrow we'll find
That souls, having touched
Are forever entwined

I may be leaving
But I won't be gone
I'll be there when you want me
Above and beyond

Yes, I may be leaving
But not for too long
I'll be there when you want me
Above and beyond

BTW, confused as hell again. Right now, i feel nothing, neither girly nor anything. Tomorrow, my maleness will depress me again, i'm sure. It's hard to even feel feminine when your body is so ugly.

Here is A DMB song that I have kinda related to lately


Oh well oh well so here we stand
But we stand for nothing
My heart calls to me in my sleep
How can I turn to it
'Cause I'm all locked up in this
Dark place - and I do not know
I'm good as dead
My head aches - warped and tied up
I need to kill this pain

My head won't leave my head alone
And I don't believe it will
'Til I'm dead and gone
My head won't leave my head alone
And I don't believe it will
'Til I'm six feet under ground

How long I'm tied up
My mind in knots - my stomach reels
In concern for what I might do or
What I've done
It's got me living in fear
Well I know these voices must
Be my soul
I've had enough
I've had enough
Of being alone
I've got no place to go

In my grave
Lying wired shut and quiet in my grave
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/rhyme-reason-lyrics-dave-matthews-band.html (http://www.metrolyrics.com/rhyme-reason-lyrics-dave-matthews-band.html) ]
Leave me here
Leave it to me to waste here

So young here I am again
Talking to myself
A t.v. blares
Oh man oh how I wish I didn't smoke
Or drink to reason with my head
But sometimes this thick confusion
Grows until I cannot bare it all
Needle to the vein
Needle to the vein
Take this needle from my vein my friend

In my grave
Lying lying cold in my grave
Reason - my reason
Take my head off this terror
I'm fearing I'll come back
I'll see
My mind's all wiped clean
The needle
Make my great escape
I'll see the cold in time
My head leaves me behind
Let me fade away

I seem caught in time
My head leaves me behind
Body falls cold
And I see heaven


Read more: DAVE MATTHEWS BAND - RHYME & REASON LYRICS

So ya
Thought ya
Might like to go to the show
To feel the warm thrill of confusion
That space cadet glow
Tell me is something eluding you sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?
If you want to find out what's behind these cold eyes?2
You'll just have to claw your way through this3
Disguise

Edit: Just why am i feeling little to no dysphoria right now. Why am i feeling "normal" for a change? I know i felt horrible a few hours ago. Am i insane?

Also this one I feel like it Gives me hope for the future Like I stepped out of doing the normal "Guy" thing to do my own thing and be who I want to and be myself.



Dave Matthews Band Proudest Monkey Lyrics
Send "Proudest Monkey" Ringtone to your Cell
Swing in this tree
Oh I am bounce around so well
Branch to branch,
Limb to limb you see
All in a day's dream
I'm stuck
Like the other monkeys here
I am a humble monkey
Sitting up in here again
But then came the day
I climbed out of these safe limbs
Ventured away
Walking tall, head high up and singing
I went to the city
Car horns, corners and the gritty
Now I am the proudest monkey you've ever seen
Monkey see, monkey do

Then comes the day
Staring at myself I turn to question me
I wonder do I want the simple, simple life that I once lived in well
Oh things were quiet then
In a way they were the better days
But now I am the proudest monkey you've ever seen
Monkey see, monkey do
Monkey see, monkey do


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh I Used to live in a tree
I loved it but I thought it wasn't enough for me...
So I paved a road to the city
For me...and for the rest of the monkeys
I'm on the scene-
Yes I'm on the scene...again.
Yes I'm this proud monkey...leading the way.
So...
When we must leave...
For good
I am the proudest monkey...
That I'm aware o'
Monkey see, monkey do, hit my tail.
Monkey see, monkey do.

When I walk, I walk so tall
Not bent all double over...
Like the other monkeys, that I know
But still I don't know:
If I'm so good or
If heavens the place to go or
If hell is where we were
If Sinnin'g's what we do
I know that I'm A smartest monkey
That I am aware o'
Monkey see, monkey do. Monkey see.


Who are they
Who are they everywhere
Who is this monkey
Thinks he is so great
Who taught this monkey to
We taught this monkey to
Turn in the trail of his friends?
We are the proudest monkeys
We are the proudest monkeys
You and me are the proudest monkeys
You and I am the proudest monkeys
Monkey see, monkey do.

Hello
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?

Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.

Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

Ok.
Just a little pinprick.
There'll be no more --aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.

Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working. good.
That'll keep you going for the show.
Come on it's time to go.

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

Nope Your Keeping Your Mind PReoccupied with something you care about........ MUSIC

I am same way

This one is great too:

I'm crying
I'm dying

I can see what's wrong with me
It's in my head
I can see what's gonna be
As I lie in my bed
Man is not my brotherhood
I am of the dead

I died as I lived, as I loved and was born
On some distant hill
The reasons to hide were the reasons I cried
Fools pass laughing still

There can be bad blood in all and I can see
It's in my brain
You don't know the pain I feel
As I must live again
Rocks and stones can't bruise my soul
But tears will leave a stain

They smile to themselves as they lay down my head
On some distant hill
The blind and the child sweep a tear from their eye
Fools smile as they kill

I got my own way to go and now I want
To take your minds
I believe if you could see
The blood between the lines
I believe that you could be
A better kind

Please lead the way so the unborn can play
On some greener hill
Laugh as the flames, eat their burning remains
Fools die laughing still

I DO LOVE THE WALL :)

Rumor I heard was "Dark side of the Moon" was written while Syd was at a mental hospital and they kept playing Wizard of Oz and that is why it syncs up so well

Who sings that last one?

Ian Gillan of Deep Purple
Listen to the way Ian G. sings "Rocks" in "Fools". Sounds really desperate.

Here's a nice one:

This baggage handcuffed to my wrists
I drag it everywhere I go
Sometimes I fight you with my fists
But if I knew which way was home

Before the karma cut me loose
Would bring me whisky and my water
Sometimes I get the blues
Though I know I shouldnt oughta
That's where I'd go

Run down ghost trail, no chance of love
No sign of life, just wild dogs howlin in the night
Oh, that's what I like

Before the karma cut me free
I'm sick of my own company
Sometimes I miss the boat
Most times I miss my home
That's where I'd go
If I new which way was home

Run down ghost trail, no chance of love
No sign of life
Just wild dogs howlin' in the night

Hear 'em howl...

lol I think we kinda got off topic from start of topic Coming out while living at home lol

Quote from: misschievous on June 09, 2013, 03:58:46 PM
lol I think we kinda got off topic from start of topic Coming out while living at home lol

Let's PM instead?

What or who am I? Am i going insane? Do i have a split personality? I once dreamed of playing "the doctor". What is going on with me?
This one day i'm all sure about this, even make an appointment with my psychologist, the next one i feel all masculine (not as masculine as others, insecurely masculine). I never feel very feminine, but somehow on some days i just know(?).

I am also often afraid of many feminine things, which is an unrational (?) fear. I can't make this go away though.

Am I really feeling dysphoric? Am i insane?

And most importantly: Why has it been bothering me this long then?