Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: catherine-9 on June 03, 2007, 03:00:42 AM Return to Full Version
Title: Hello
Post by: catherine-9 on June 03, 2007, 03:00:42 AM
Post by: catherine-9 on June 03, 2007, 03:00:42 AM
I'm new to this forum, and nervous as hell. So if some of what i type here seems not to make any sense here, that is why. Let me start off by telling you that i am not a post or pre op. I'm not on hormones of any kind yet. For over 20 years i truly believed that i could conquer this. It seems i was very very wrong. You see i build PC's for members of my family, the few friends i have, and the individuals they bring my way. It's a hobby, and i build for free. (They pay for parts and shipping) It really makes me happy, but most important, it kept my mind off of my gender issue. Build, tweak, repair, modify. keeping the mind busy. Before i get to caught up in this, let me explain that i dress as a woman. I view myself as a woman. and have done so for years now. I have known from a very early age about myself. I am comfortable with me as a woman, but uncomfortable with the ignorance that seems so prevalent amongst the human populace. I go to work as a male, come home, and then transistion to my female self. For a long time i thought i would be happy just dressing the part, and that this would somehow pass. That one day i would just stop, and forget all about it.
I soon found that the more i gave into what my heart was telling me, The more i wanted to be complete, Whole......Normal. It got to the point when during the times that i had obvious facial hair, i would begin the painstaking process of plucking it all out with tweezers, Then grooming the rest of me. I could not eat, sleep, or take any breaks until this was all done. Then i could relax and be my self for the next week. Until of course the hair on my face started to grow back. (No i could not afford any professional hair removal procedure's) The more i repeated this process, The more i got upset, and angry at myself. It was not long before i fell into this darkness that not only caused me to abuse my body, and deny myself all the things that made me even remotely happy, but to also doubt the legitimacy of my very existence on this earth. I grew tired of hearing, reading, observing the constant ridicule, and alienating of not just people like myself, but of anyone who was different. Anyone who didn't fit the mold or was not one of society's drones with a little basic programming. Then i realized that, we get to live on this earth once, and those of us that are here are considered blessed of lucky if we get 70 years out of it.
Who is man to dictate to me or anyone for that matter how we should or should not live our lives? If we were causing some sort of damage (other than to their fragile ego's) or were harming anyone, well i guess i could kind of understand. That said, At 33 years of age i have decided to start living my life for me, and not from someone else's limited point of view. I go by the name of Catherine Marie BTW, And i hope i have not taken up to much of your time. This is the most in depth i have ever explained my self to anyone.
I soon found that the more i gave into what my heart was telling me, The more i wanted to be complete, Whole......Normal. It got to the point when during the times that i had obvious facial hair, i would begin the painstaking process of plucking it all out with tweezers, Then grooming the rest of me. I could not eat, sleep, or take any breaks until this was all done. Then i could relax and be my self for the next week. Until of course the hair on my face started to grow back. (No i could not afford any professional hair removal procedure's) The more i repeated this process, The more i got upset, and angry at myself. It was not long before i fell into this darkness that not only caused me to abuse my body, and deny myself all the things that made me even remotely happy, but to also doubt the legitimacy of my very existence on this earth. I grew tired of hearing, reading, observing the constant ridicule, and alienating of not just people like myself, but of anyone who was different. Anyone who didn't fit the mold or was not one of society's drones with a little basic programming. Then i realized that, we get to live on this earth once, and those of us that are here are considered blessed of lucky if we get 70 years out of it.
Who is man to dictate to me or anyone for that matter how we should or should not live our lives? If we were causing some sort of damage (other than to their fragile ego's) or were harming anyone, well i guess i could kind of understand. That said, At 33 years of age i have decided to start living my life for me, and not from someone else's limited point of view. I go by the name of Catherine Marie BTW, And i hope i have not taken up to much of your time. This is the most in depth i have ever explained my self to anyone.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Kimberly on June 03, 2007, 03:57:49 AM
Post by: Kimberly on June 03, 2007, 03:57:49 AM
*smile*
Welcome to this place Catherine,
I think you will like it here, please be welcomed and be at ease.
(=
Welcome to this place Catherine,
I think you will like it here, please be welcomed and be at ease.
(=
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Renae.Lupini on June 03, 2007, 09:19:32 AM
Post by: Renae.Lupini on June 03, 2007, 09:19:32 AM
welcome to the neighborhood Catherine. You sound like you know what you want from life and that is a good thing. A lot of people don't even know that much. ;) You should find a lot of information and support in the forums here that will be very beneficial to you. Kick back, relax, and enjoy your time spent here. :)
Oh yea, and please be sure to read the site rules. ;)
Oh yea, and please be sure to read the site rules. ;)
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: MeghanAndrews on June 03, 2007, 10:01:57 AM
Post by: MeghanAndrews on June 03, 2007, 10:01:57 AM
Hi Catherine,
Welcome to Susan's! Your story is similar to many people on here. This is a great resource and support group so read the posts and use the reference library and chat. You'll soon discover that you truly aren't alone out there having feelings that are that much different than other people. It really helps knowing there are other caring people going through or having gone through the same thing you are. That's what I really like about Susan's! The other really neat thing is that so many girls are in different phases of there transition so many started where you are now and made it through the journey. Again, welcome :) Meghan
Welcome to Susan's! Your story is similar to many people on here. This is a great resource and support group so read the posts and use the reference library and chat. You'll soon discover that you truly aren't alone out there having feelings that are that much different than other people. It really helps knowing there are other caring people going through or having gone through the same thing you are. That's what I really like about Susan's! The other really neat thing is that so many girls are in different phases of there transition so many started where you are now and made it through the journey. Again, welcome :) Meghan
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Jillieann Rose on June 03, 2007, 02:55:39 PM
Post by: Jillieann Rose on June 03, 2007, 02:55:39 PM
Hello Catherine Marie,
I'm am so glad you joined Susan's.
My family and consulor have went to fix me. That is fix me metally, but that's not what is wrong. It the body and there attuide of my problem.
It's took me over 54 years to began saying, "the hell with what others think I have to be me." I stumble but am moving forward slow.........ly.
Oh do tell use more dear. :)
Welcome to Susan's,
Jillieann
I'm am so glad you joined Susan's.
QuoteWho is man to dictate to me or anyone for that matter how we should or should not live our lives? If we were causing some sort of damage (other than to their fragile ego's) or were harming anyone, well i guess i could kind of understand.Amen to that girl.
My family and consulor have went to fix me. That is fix me metally, but that's not what is wrong. It the body and there attuide of my problem.
It's took me over 54 years to began saying, "the hell with what others think I have to be me." I stumble but am moving forward slow.........ly.
Oh do tell use more dear. :)
Welcome to Susan's,
Jillieann
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: tinkerbell on June 03, 2007, 03:58:02 PM
Post by: tinkerbell on June 03, 2007, 03:58:02 PM
Hi Catherine and welcome to Susan's!
Thank you for your introduction. Please take a few moments to get familiar with the site, review the site rules, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page. We look forward to your future posts and participation. Enjoy your stay at Susan's! :)
tink :icon_chick:
Thank you for your introduction. Please take a few moments to get familiar with the site, review the site rules, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page. We look forward to your future posts and participation. Enjoy your stay at Susan's! :)
tink :icon_chick:
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: HelenW on June 04, 2007, 05:45:52 PM
Post by: HelenW on June 04, 2007, 05:45:52 PM
Hi Catherine! Welcome!!
I'm sure a lot of people on this forum will agree with you. We need to do for ourselves before we can do for others, if ya ask me.
I'm pleased that you've found us and am happy to make your acquaintance, Catherine!
again, WELCOME ! ! :)
hugs & smiles
helen
I'm sure a lot of people on this forum will agree with you. We need to do for ourselves before we can do for others, if ya ask me.
I'm pleased that you've found us and am happy to make your acquaintance, Catherine!
again, WELCOME ! ! :)
hugs & smiles
helen
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: catherine-9 on June 05, 2007, 02:21:53 AM
Post by: catherine-9 on June 05, 2007, 02:21:53 AM
Thanks for the welcome everyone. :) This is for me the first step in getting this situation under firm control. I am sure that everyone here was at one time, or still may be a little scared of coming out, and coming to terms with who we are. Knowing who i have always been is one thing, but facing it, and initializing is i believe going to be difficult. Whats going to be more difficult if not impossible is living the rest of my life as i am now. There are too many things that i want out of life. I cannot have those things as i am now. I want a husband, I want children, I want to get them up and ready for school, help them with their homework, tell them to wash their hands, to clean their room, or there will be trouble when their father gets home. Most importantly, give them love, and guidance, and teach them that ignorance is not the way. I want a family of my own. Maybe i want entirely too much considering my situation. However i will try anyway NTL.
A brief description of myself. I was born march 14Th, 1974 I am bi-racial. I am 5'7, 132 lbs. I live on this planet called earth. (you know the one) :P My interests are computers and almost anything to do with them. Music which basically consists of mostly Goa, Psytrance, and Darkpsy. My cat who is just as persistent as i am. she does what she wants where she wants. Some TV, TCM (Turner classic movies) NASA TV. Clothes. I tend to wear longer dresses, but more form fitting. I rarely wear anything above the knees unless I'm wearing shorts. Food, Oh i could be here for hours, but i wont. Perogies with garlic butter, and Broccoli. And last, I think this goes without saying. I do like my men! Especially the one's that do that smiling with their eye's thing.........sexy. Helen, I really like your signiture at the bottom of your post's.
Hugs back at everyone
catherine :)
A brief description of myself. I was born march 14Th, 1974 I am bi-racial. I am 5'7, 132 lbs. I live on this planet called earth. (you know the one) :P My interests are computers and almost anything to do with them. Music which basically consists of mostly Goa, Psytrance, and Darkpsy. My cat who is just as persistent as i am. she does what she wants where she wants. Some TV, TCM (Turner classic movies) NASA TV. Clothes. I tend to wear longer dresses, but more form fitting. I rarely wear anything above the knees unless I'm wearing shorts. Food, Oh i could be here for hours, but i wont. Perogies with garlic butter, and Broccoli. And last, I think this goes without saying. I do like my men! Especially the one's that do that smiling with their eye's thing.........sexy. Helen, I really like your signiture at the bottom of your post's.
Hugs back at everyone
catherine :)
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: TheBattler on June 05, 2007, 07:53:27 PM
Post by: TheBattler on June 05, 2007, 07:53:27 PM
Hello Catherine.
Wellcome to Susans - I am sure we have all been where you are at now - wondering what pandoris box we have open. It can be a tough Jorney but it is one that needs to be taken as keeping these feelings inside is not good for the soul.
Enjoy your time eher.
Alice
Wellcome to Susans - I am sure we have all been where you are at now - wondering what pandoris box we have open. It can be a tough Jorney but it is one that needs to be taken as keeping these feelings inside is not good for the soul.
Enjoy your time eher.
Alice
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Suzy on June 05, 2007, 08:06:18 PM
Post by: Suzy on June 05, 2007, 08:06:18 PM
Hello Catherine!
So glad you found your way to Susan's. I don't know if you ever get this thing under control, as it seems to control you. But I do know there is a way to live with it that is different for each individual. Relax. Enjoy the friendships here. Nice to have you aboard.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
So glad you found your way to Susan's. I don't know if you ever get this thing under control, as it seems to control you. But I do know there is a way to live with it that is different for each individual. Relax. Enjoy the friendships here. Nice to have you aboard.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Mattie on June 06, 2007, 12:39:56 AM
Post by: Mattie on June 06, 2007, 12:39:56 AM
Hi there Catherine,
Yeah, fighting TS is an uphill battle that can't be won. Good thing you learned to relax and just roll with it. Its like this thing I tried (becoming like a Vulcan), yeah...doesn't work so well. Those pesky emotions refused to be suppressed. It does stink about the only having one life to live. If its not right, we can always make it right. Medical technology is amazing. Forget making lemonade with the lemons life handed us, lets morph them into limes (or whatever we were supposed to get instead of lemons). So enjoy your stay here while you roll with the flow and let those lemons turn to limes.
~Mattie
Yeah, fighting TS is an uphill battle that can't be won. Good thing you learned to relax and just roll with it. Its like this thing I tried (becoming like a Vulcan), yeah...doesn't work so well. Those pesky emotions refused to be suppressed. It does stink about the only having one life to live. If its not right, we can always make it right. Medical technology is amazing. Forget making lemonade with the lemons life handed us, lets morph them into limes (or whatever we were supposed to get instead of lemons). So enjoy your stay here while you roll with the flow and let those lemons turn to limes.
~Mattie
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: rhondabythebay on June 07, 2007, 12:29:27 PM
Post by: rhondabythebay on June 07, 2007, 12:29:27 PM
Hi Catherine, nice to read your intro and see you decided to be you for you.
Yep...you got that right. I was shaking when I went to my first group support session...almost chickened out for fear I'd see someone I knew. I'm just letting my Mom know this week, and yes, I'm nervous about it. See you around the forums.
Hugs,
Rhonda
Quote from: catherine-9 on June 05, 2007, 02:21:53 AM
I am sure that everyone here was at one time, or still may be a little scared of coming out, and coming to terms with who we are.
Yep...you got that right. I was shaking when I went to my first group support session...almost chickened out for fear I'd see someone I knew. I'm just letting my Mom know this week, and yes, I'm nervous about it. See you around the forums.
Hugs,
Rhonda