Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Well. I told her. Not on the street, but she "doesn't want me to talk about it anymore" and "It's disgusting and I would never go through with it because I don't like pain".

Ya cried a bit

Good! After denial, she only has eleven steps to work through. Get yourself an ice cream, you did well. Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on May 13, 2013, 07:03:01 PM
Good! After denial, she only has eleven steps to work through. Get yourself an ice cream, you did well. Hugs, Devlyn

It doesn't feel very well

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger! Hugs, Devlyn

Story of my life I tell you what... At this point it's just... what now... she's upstairs just pretending I said nothing and she didn't even give me a chance to say much else and just... told me to go away

Jerred,

I am super proud of you for your strength and determination.  You may not see it, but you are a very strong man.  There is no shame in crying.  Crying can be a purifying thing.  Look, you know what you want in your life.  No one else can determine what's right for you.  So, even if your mom is not on the same page, that is okay.  Only you can decide your own path in life.

As for her denial, that's not necessarily a permanent thing.  Many people have had parents deny there identity to all of a sudden holding their hand before surgery.  Quite frankly, denial is par for the course.  Remember, it took her time to adjust when she thought you were a lesbian.  So, don't give up hope.  She just might need some time.

I am so sorry for your pain Jerred.  I'm a very sensitive person and have a lot of empathy, so I hate seeing anyone sad.  If I could take away your pain, I really would.  But know this, even if it hurts now, it will get better.  No matter how she responds, you confronted who you are.  As difficult as it is to see this, you just accomplished a major thing.  Awesome job for being you and not letting fear stand in your way.  Nothing will be able to stop you from doing what you want if you work hard.  And you can do this.

Hugs.

This sounds pretty normal Jerred. I think the best thing you can do now is give her some time to process. Give her a little space. If you have some pamphlets or books or something (I recommend True selves and this pflag link: http://community.pflag.org/Document.Doc?id=202 (http://community.pflag.org/Document.Doc?id=202)) perhaps leave those somewhere she'll find them, but don't pester her to read them right away.

I think this is the hardest stage, because of course we want acceptance right away, but we have to let our loved ones acclimate bit by bit. Denial and shock often come first, but it's a process, not the final word.

You did great. Take a deep breath and go get your mind off this for a bit :)

You have faced your fears and passed through them, congratulations.

Your Mom is in shock, she probably has no idea the pain you experiance from your disphoria and right now she is in no condition to learn. It will take some time to process. There is time later for measured information and sharing of your pain. 

Thanks everyone. The fact that you are all saying I was strong in doing this, and that this a normal reaction... I will believe that it is. I think I might watch some Xena lol.. as weird as it is that show has helped me feel better most every time I feel a bit defeated. I know it's a victory within itself, but I still feel a bit defeated anyways. Darned those human emotions.

I will keep you all posted... I do have a print out about ->-bleeped-<- with a Q&A section and advise and referal sites and so forth. I will leave it for her to find somewhere tomorrow. I'll take your advise into consideration, Ford and not pester her about it either.

Thanks guys, I'm starting to feel a bit better now.

Jerred

I feel for you, sucks not having a supportive parent, I imagine. I told my mom about myself and I didn't expect her to understand or be supportive but she was. She says she still is but she doesn't seem to want to discuss it that much anymore. That or the things I bring up that I want to talk about.

So chances are, she'll come around cause she's gonna start having questions. Plus, you're her child and like someone told me before, you love your children forever or you never really loved them at all. She'll warm up... Hang in there.

She started trying to talk to me and then it turned into a yelling match with her not wanting to understand and slammed her bedroom door and that was that... Also she told me to get the eff out before I think about a "sex change"

She started yelling because you didn't see it her way and agree huh?  Give her more time.

Quote from: KaylaW on May 13, 2013, 09:36:52 PM
She started yelling because you didn't see it her way and agree huh?  Give her more time.

I will

Good luck with everything, and yes it was brave to come out. I am confused and young. I need help, but to get that I need to come out to some degree. You did what is keeping myself and many others back. you let yourself out. Again good luck with everything.

To be honest, this sounds like a pretty normal reaction.

Shock and rejection are often the first step.

The hide away in the room and don't want to talk about it.

And then realisation - what you have said is said. It will not go away.

You now need to support her through her thought process.

And don't be tempted to back down. You have nowhere to back down too.

Just be a loving understanding person.

Hugs and Congratulations

Cindy

To back up some others, she's always known but she's denying now that she's faced with it.

Think about it, from her perspective, other than your identity, what will be so very different?

Quote from: spacial on May 14, 2013, 12:42:05 PM
To back up some others, she's always known but she's denying now that she's faced with it.

Think about it, from her perspective, other than your identity, what will be so very different?

I would assume everything. If not than just I'd be a dude now instead of a girl

Congrats, Jerred. It will take some time for your mom to grasp a hold of what you told her.
It took some time for my spouse to accept that I am transgender.


:)

Quote from: Jerred1985 on May 13, 2013, 09:32:49 PM
She started trying to talk to me and then it turned into a yelling match with her not wanting to understand

That so sounds like how my dad is, even now....

You did well. Live your life for you. That is the only way you will be happy :).

Have you been diagnosed and started treatment? She may understand more and get use to it once you start to change.

Hope your mum does come round.

Quote from: Jerred1985 on May 13, 2013, 07:24:29 PM
Story of my life I tell you what... At this point it's just... what now... she's upstairs just pretending I said nothing and she didn't even give me a chance to say much else and just... told me to go away

Same thing has basically happened with my dad. He has completely blocked the subject out wont even acknowledge the subject. But all you can do is let her get her head round it in her own way. Whatever the outcome in the end you are doing this to make you happy not to upset her.

Congratulations on coming out though I'm sorry it didn't go so well. The problem here of course is that there's a difference in time between the words and reality which does nothing to alleviate any fears or preconceived notions.

However the anger suggests it could be shock and hopefully she will come round in time (time heals). But you've jumped the hurdle and I hope it works out for you.

Thanks everyone. Seriously it's been... amazing all the support given to me. I'm feeling a bit better today, the sun's shining, and I've been rocking out while filling out job applications. My friends have also been so supportive, and my Aunt and I had a good chat last night as well, and she's being supportive to me as well and saying pretty much the same thing everyone here has been.

So thanks again, seriously. If I didn't have this support structure I think I'd be wallowing in a state of depression right this moment, but because everyone's been so amazing I'm feeling better and still trucking along

I am so glad to hear today was better.  Things will improve as you continue to move along your path.  It's awesome that you have supportive friends and an accepting aunt.  It seems like you are making a great start :)

Quote from: Jerred1985 on May 14, 2013, 01:10:43 PM
I would assume everything. If not than just I'd be a dude now instead of a girl

But with respect, you're not a girl.

I understand your point, but you are and will be the same person, with the same cares and dislikes. The same needs. From your mother's point of view, you may change your appearance, even your name and pronoun, but you are still the same child she created. With the same mutual feelings, whatever they are.

The most any parent in a free society has a right to expect is their child will seek to be honest and to earn their own living.

My elder brother grew up to be a man with a wife and 2 kids. I did not. If he lived up to expectations it was only in that he chose to and I did not. We are both honest and earn our own livings.

Any discomfort my parents felt with my life and choices were of their own making. As they are for your mother.

So, providing you're not seeking to harm others, you are the same person.

All that will change are a few labels and your own happiness.

Do you see what I mean?

Quote from: ford on May 13, 2013, 07:45:33 PM
This sounds pretty normal Jerred. I think the best thing you can do now is give her some time to process. Give her a little space. If you have some pamphlets or books or something (I recommend True selves and this pflag link: http://community.pflag.org/Document.Doc?id=202 (http://community.pflag.org/Document.Doc?id=202)) perhaps leave those somewhere she'll find them, but don't pester her to read them right away.

I did as you suggested. I left a pamphlet for her in her computer room, in plain view. I know she saw it because when I went upstairs this morning for some breakfast she had moved it to the living room. Don't know if she looked through it or not, but I'll take it as... a good thing that she didn't just up and toss it.

Aw dude you got courage and all. It's always tougher telling family than it is anyone else. She's in shock, a bit of confusion and denial. Proud of you! 2 people who I relate to and look up to with the girl that's a part of me. Chris crocker and a 11 year old transgender girl named jazz. They inspire me and are who gave me the courage to tell a friend to her about my girl side. She treats me right. Family again is always much more harder. Again Im proud of you dude!

Aaaand she threw away the pamphlet

I'm sorry to hear it is going so rough.  Don't let it get to you though.  You still are home and have a relationship with her.  It might take her some time to accept this, but she really didn't reject you.  You just need to show her that this isn't going away and that this is who you really are.  She will need to time to adjust, but there are many parents who have reacted the same way and shifted gears in time.

By the way, I like your new avatar :)

Quote from: Jerred1985 on May 16, 2013, 10:12:52 AM
Aaaand she threw away the pamphlet

Do you not think that was rather predictable?

Quote from: spacial on May 16, 2013, 10:21:44 AM
Do you not think that was rather predictable?

I guess I sort of hoped she wouldn't

Quote from: learningtolive on May 16, 2013, 10:19:53 AM
By the way, I like your new avatar :)

lol thanks.

Quote from: Jerred1985 on May 16, 2013, 10:25:36 AM
I guess I sort of hoped she wouldn't

Of course you didn't.

But if you think about it, you took the issue and made it into a pamphlet.

If you take the attitude that it's only the small things that change then eventually, she will as well.

For now, you told her. Let her stew

. It's not as if you can do anything else.

Quote from: spacial on May 16, 2013, 12:08:43 PM
Of course you didn't.

But if you think about it, you took the issue and made it into a pamphlet.

If you take the attitude that it's only the small things that change then eventually, she will as well.

For now, you told her. Let her stew

. It's not as if you can do anything else.

True enough