Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Why did I have to be the mess up kid? Why can't I be more like my brother? To my parents, he's the perfect kid. Me? I'm the messed up kid they don't want to talk about. He went to college, got all As and is now in a nice cozy job with a good salary, good clothes, girlfriend, holidays abroad every year. Me? Barely scraping through college so that I can get into university. Apparently I'm an ungrateful bitch. I need to learn to appreciate what I have. Yes I know damn well what I have. A job that is barely giving me the money to buy my own clothes and food. Even though I live under your roof. I lend you money, I buy things for you. But I'll never be my perfect brother will I? I'll always be the kid who brought problems to the family that you don't want to admit I have. My kid self harms, better not talk about it, oh that's good they must have stopped. My kid doesn't sleep, we won't talk about that either. My kid got mugged, it's fine, they have a new phone now so they don't have to relive it every day when they walk past the spot. My kid likes girls, better not talk about that either, they'll soon like boys again. My kid is transgender, we can't possibly talk about that, it's a phase they'll grow out of. My brother though? He's just so damn perfect. He passes his GCSEs and what's he get? A card congratulating him on how amazing he is. I pass? I barely get a well done. But no I'm just an ungrateful cow who only thinks about themself. I have to buy everything for myself. When my brother was my age, they got him everything. If he wanted new clothes it's ok mummy and daddy will buy you it. He comes in at half 9 asking for tea but that's ok because mummy will run to the kitchen and cook it for him. He doesn't even know how to work an oven. If I ask for one little favour that's it. World war 3. I get told how I need to do stuff for myself and stop depending on them. I don't depend on them anymore. They depend on me. I'm fed up of being the screw up kid compared to my brother. I have problems. Serious problems that nobody wants to talk about because ignoring it will make it go away. It won't. It isn't. I'm still the same messed up kid as I was 6 years ago.

Cupcake, hon? Hugs, Devlyn

Your brother can't be all that perfect if he can't even use an oven properly. Sounds to me like you're more dignified and hard working than your brother could ever dream to be. And one day there'll be a special person who'll see wonderful qualities about you that you can't notice because you're bogged down with the reality of a difficult life. Just do your best to live day by day, Joey :)

I felt the same way for a number of years, and at some point, I just decided I was tired of believing the crap I was taught to believe about myself.

Screw your parents, screw what they think about any part of you, and if your brother isn't treating you right, screw him too. Only you know who you are, you know? The only person you have to face at the end of the day is yourself, so just be the type of person where you can look into you own eyes at the end of the day.

Easier said than done, but you have to reach that point to kick all the negative self-talk and shame because of what other people think. What other people think does not matter.

Oh Joey, this is another area where you & I have had almost identical experiences. :(

My elder brother was Mummy's perfect little boy, the one who could do no wrong. If we got into a fight when we were little I would be punished for hitting him, but if he hit me then according to my mother I was 'probably asking for it'. Also, he was a Real Boy™ (unlike Pinocchio here) so our parents put all their resources into making sure he'll be a good breadwinner. Aah, the 1970s. ::)

Me? Well, I was second-born, so my parents were too busy looking after Golden Child to spend any time or effort on me; I pretty much had to raise myself. Oh, and lest we forget, I was also born female in the very sexist 1970s which meant that my parents didn't believe I deserved an education. In those days, girls were expected to complete their basic schooling before getting a job as a secretary or nurse, then marrying the boss or doctor who would of course support the whole family. So no uni for me, but my brother was sent to university because he had a duty as a man to support his family.

It stings especially badly to see your parents giving your cis brother every privilege, but denying you the same because they perceive you as female and they consider female children to be in some way less worthy. That hurts so, so much. And it hurts even more when you're crying out for help that they're not willing to give, because they're so preoccupied with the Golden Child.

But what you might not yet have realised is this: your parents have unwittingly given you a HUGE advantage over your brother, specifically by trying to hand everything to him on a silver platter.

You see, if your parents always do everything for you, you never learn to stand on your own two feet. Take your comment about him needing Mummy to cook his tea: he's an adult, he should know how to do this for himself. I bet he can't operate a washing machine either, because Mummy is happy to wash his stuff for him. But you? I bet you can do those things and more. Your brother has been so infantilised by your mother's indulgence that he can't even pop a ready meal in a microwave if he comes home late. You're already 10 times the man he is, simply because you've had to stick up for yourself and figure out how to do things.

My mother once said to me: "Success is the best form of revenge" and she was absolutely right. So don't let your brother's perceived advantage eat at you. See it for what it is: a huge disadvantage that he'll struggle to overcome. Just bide your time, get your education, and then sit back & laugh when you overtake him. Because I'll tell you this: you will overtake him, because your parents' neglect has enabled you to find the courage, tenacity and resources to become an independent adult.

P.S. your brother likes girls too. If it's good enough for him, it's good enough for you. :P

huggggs fro me too!

My parent's always asked me why I couldn't be more like my sister,I've since managed that!

Thanks for the support everyone. I don't have a problem with him, I'm proud to call him my big brother. It's my parents attitude, particularly my mum's, that hurts me. I just wish we were treated the same. I can't help but feel like the screw up kid.

Hi Joey,

I have always felt inadequate next to my older sister because she is very pretty and is doing very well in her life. My parents always seemed so proud of her accomplishments but did not approve of many of the things I tried in an attempt to understand myself better. I resented my sister for a long time but now she is a good friend even though I do not see her often. It is not your brother's fault that your parents respond to him the way they do so I am glad that you still feel tenderness towards him and realize this isn't about him. It is not even about you, it is just your parents' way of being and if they cannot be proud of both their sons then they are missing out and will be sorry one day.

Quote from: big kim on May 15, 2013, 04:10:39 PM
My parent's always asked me why I couldn't be more like my sister,I've since managed that!

Answer of all time.

Just wish I'd thought of it.

Quote from: big kim on May 15, 2013, 04:10:39 PM
My parent's always asked me why I couldn't be more like my sister,I've since managed that!

Haha! I love this! :-)

Joey, I think you're in serious need of a singing fish.  :D

Billy... Don't Worry, Be Happy (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znd0tIKjsPU#)

I love my brother too. I don't resent him for what happened: it's not his fault that our parents favoured him and neglected me. Instead, I regret my parents' ignorant behaviour and I took it as a lesson in how not to treat my own children.

You might find your Mum starts treating you better as you transition. Have you brought this up with her... or better yet, with your Dad?

Haha cheers learned hand, that fish is my childhood.

I've tried to talk to my parents and tell them I feel like the problem child and they don't understand why I feel that way. My dad is coping better than my mum and I've always been closer to my dad. He's starting to get it more.