Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So, I woke up this morning to a wonderful surprise.. It's "that time" again. I immediately panicked and put in two tampons and two pairs of underwear. I binded my chest way tighter than normal because I'm afraid that the increased estrogen will cause them to grow more. I took four iron tablets and a testosterone booster and ran outside for four minutes. Then I did fifty sit-ups. After all that, I came in and looked at myself and wanted to cry. It should be noted that crying is very rare for me and it only usually happens like three times a year. I feel so embarrassed and ugly right now. I feel horrible and weak and I don't know what to do about it. I'll hopefully get my note for testosterone this Thursday, but I know that even after you start testosterone, there are still like three more periods you have to deal with. I honestly do not think that I can deal with that and I refuse to take Depo Provera to stop them because it lowers testosterone. Does anyone else have this much dysphoria over periods? I have literally been laying in my bed all day playing solitaire and contemplating suicide. To make matters worse, the more emotional I get, the more I beat myself up for acting "feminine".

3 more periods after T? Not for me. And I started on a low dose. I think I may have had one that was already on its way before I had my first T shot. It was the same week, I think. Course, ymmv and all that.

I'm real sorry you're feelin so down on yourself :/ I go into denial when that happens. For a while I didn't have that particular issue due to a medicine I had to take. I just call it 'manstrating' now and that makes it ok in my head. Because we're still men, that does not take away our masculinity. It just sucks. My best advice is to call it something manly and remind yourself that you're not the only man that has the manstrating experience.

Quote from: Lance on June 03, 2013, 02:54:23 PM
I just call it 'manstrating'

That made me smile. :)

Haha, good. I gotcha bro  :)

Some people have to deal with it a few times after starting T, some not at all, and some for a while, but it all definitely depends on the person and their dosages.

And I definitely understand where you're coming on the extreme dysphoria.  I'm probably going to be out of it next week (damn, I hate realising that it's coming, I'm going to stressing about it for the next week now, I normally make sure I don't know the date, but I had an interview the day before last time).  The depression and black thoughts come back every time, no matter what I do to stop it.  I'm just counting down until I'm able to be given T, hopefully I'll only have to go through it 11 - 15 times again in my life, and thinking of it that way sort of helps.  It's like crossing off the days until Christmas as a kid.  Each time is one step closer until it never happens again.

I cry, I can't physically say the words unless I can put them into a joke, (I normally either call it "Voldemort", (think he-who-must-not-be-named) or say that I'm laying eggs/a chicken), and the beam in my room becomes hideously tempting.  I try not to miss college because of it but I have done once or twice, because that's a female thing to do, so you're definitely not alone there.

Also, I'd be really cautious about putting two gush-plugs in, if I understood you right, you don't want to be putting yourself at risk of toxic shock.  I can understand that you don't want anything coming out, but having to be rushed to hospital for a "female" problem, or dying, has got to be worse, right?

If it makes you feel better I'm on my period too.  It will be years before I can get on T so I have to find ways to manage.  When I get down about it, I actually to go sites that tell me how to embrace my period.  It may be hard at times but it helps me realize that if I'm NOT getting a period then something is wrong. 

Quote from: LocustBlotter on June 03, 2013, 01:00:58 PM
I took four iron tablets and a testosterone booster and ran outside for four minutes.

You can actually o.d. on iron, so it's probably not a good idea to take any extra iron unless a doctor has diagnosed you as iron deficient. And then only take the dose the doctor recommends.

Two tampons is probably not the greatest idea either. People DO actually get toxic shock syndrome out there.

How many ever more times you have to put up with the red death before you get your T and it kicks in, just be the man you know yourself to be. You can do it.

Since I've been off T for over a year now (just couldn't afford it anymore), my body has obviously reverted to going through that (I call it Hell Week). Every single time, it makes me feel really suicidal (as in, actively planning suicide, not just contemplating it), but I just remind myself that it's temporary, and I try not to think about it too much. I can't wait until I can get back on T again, but I don't know how long it'll be til I can afford it.

Right now, it's just a "mind over matter" thing. I try not to think of Hell Week as a "female" thing, but as my body just randomly messing up (like when you get a nosebleed for no apparent reason). I don't really know the best way to deal with it, though. I try not to think about it, and I count down the days til it's over for the month, but I guess the main thing that helps is I just remind myself that it's not a lifelong thing and that "soon" (I don't actually know if it'll be soon, but that'd be awesome) I'll be on T and I'll be okay again.

For me, when I started T, I had three Hell Weeks but it was much, much more manageable than usual. Less "stuff" to deal with, if you know what I mean, and because of how much better I felt mentally/emotionally on T, it made it not seem like such a huge deal. So, Hell Week while starting T wasn't that bad, for me, anyway.

Keep your chin up, man. You'll get through this.

Before and during my cycle I started feeling more depressed than usual. I had heavy bleeding the first day and severe cramps for two days. I hated having my cycle. However, as dreaming forever said, you have to remember that it is temporary. You may also want to keep in mind that the hormonal changes during your cycle may cause you to feel sad and agitated. ~hope & hugs

This feeling is so relevent to me right now. I'm currently on my computer, curled up in bed trying to ignore the massive biological smack in the face reminder that i have ovaries and a vagina. I have often contemplated suicide as well but the thing is, as i'm sure many people have rightly said, to remember that it's not forever! I start T in just over a week ( a day, for a long time, i never thought would come) and all i can think is 'this is going to end, i'll never have to feel this again'
hold onto that thought.
grip it tight as you can. This crap DOES END. And you'll be a stronger person for it!


Good luck out there, brother. And I'm here if you ever need to talk. Just a PM away!

I don't suffer such severe dysphoria about my...uh..."time...But it definitely gets worse when it happens. Even when I was denying my gender, I still got pretty dysphoric about it. That's the reason I can't use tampons (inserting something up there while also having such a woman episode is just double the dysphoria for me), but I can't say pads are a relief either. =___=

I kind of wonder though if this is what made me so psychotic a few days before my last one. I've never suffered psychological PMS symptoms before, but this last one I really thought I was going to kill myself over the "smallest" thing (not really small things, but small enough to be considered stupid things to want to kill myself over). If this dysphoria is what helped cause it, I don't know how many more I'll be able to live through...

I'd always been jealous of other girls who got period boobs, because I never did, but now I find it a relief. But the bloating itself is enough to make me out of my mind mad. I'm hoping once I get these abs in working order, my bloating will be less noticeable (although realistically my 6-pack would probably just turn into a 4-pack and a spare tire of bloat). I've tried telling myself that it's just hypothyroid bloating, but I know better, so I never believe myself. ^^; And the acne definitely doesn't help matters (luckily I've finally found stuff that somewhat keeps my acne under control, so the monthly serious outbreaks don't seem to occur anymore, just the normal acne).

I've ALWAYS been jealous of women who never developed periods. Of course, I'm one of those rare PCOS sufferers who does get their monthly visitor. The PCOS just makes me skip like one a year sometimes and can makes the first day of cramps unbearable (I've passed out from the pain before).

BE GLAD you're getting your script for T soon! I personally can't wait to get it for this reason above all others! These monthly reality checks are just awful. I hope your reaction to T is a quick one and your monthly visitor stops coming immediately.

Lance, you just made me laugh about the whole period stuff for the first time in my life with that word XDD
And you're totally right! Hey, we're super manly! Losing gallons of blood every month and not twitching a muscle (okay, that might not be true, but still! Don't ruin my 'periods are SUPERRRR manly' moment, okay? ::))

But yeahh, I have always hated them and hate them still. They stink, hurt, are gross, and just... asdgfhg *bangs head against wall* I learned to live with it, sort of, but still feel incredibly ->-bleeped-<- each time it happens. As if you get a massive smack-in-the-face with a billboard saying "you're a GIRL, deal with it!" >_<
Gladly I never had 'period boobs' either, I didn't even know the whole phenomenon existed, lol!
And I can't use tampons either :s they just make me feel even more horrible. But sometimes I still use them because I want to swim, or ski, or do anything else that needs a 'double barrier'. (I hardly ever swim 'cause of those things on the front, but I did it a few times at my friend's place (then I can swim topless, as it's in her garden :)) and didn't want to make the 'estrogen poisoning' spoil my day (it still did, but anyways))

But.... don't ALL biowomen hate their periods as well? I mean, the thing just sucks. Sorry for the bad language, but I have no better words to describe it. I can't imagine there is a single girl waking up with a smile like: "YES! It's my period again!"
Just... no. o_o

Quote from: LocustBlotter on June 03, 2013, 01:00:58 PM
I'm afraid that the increased estrogen will cause them to grow more.

The good news here is that the menstrual part of the cycle is actually when estrogen is at it's lowest, so, this worry is unfounded.   

That said, I know what you are going through.   The "bad time" as I always called it was the worst cause of dysphoria for me pre-T.    It gave me some days where I hated myself so much I could barely get out of bed.  And it took me a while after starting before they went away (almost 6 months), but I was on the longer end of the spectrum.  For some guys it stops almost right away.

But hang in there, guy.  Because this is one thing T will take care of.   And for myself, once I was taking hormones, the periods I had before they stopped were much less intense in terms of dysphoria.  Good luck.

Sorry, but I missed this message when it started.  I am pre-t and get a shark week every month.  Seems to get harder to get through it each time it comes.  I get cramps about a day before any bleeding so I know when it is about to start.  Cramps usually end about a day after bleeding starts.  I used tampons as pads always feel messy and you see them every time you pee, not good at all for me.  I know some girls do use two tampons at the same time when they expect heavy flow, I do that some times during the first day or two.  I still have to change them well within the 8 hrs the max you should go before changing.  After about day two I forget I have it except for changing tampons which is great when I get to that point each month.  My moobs don't change at all during the month which is great.  Be so great to start T, but when I can be get a total hyster that will be even better, no possibility of having cramps then. 

I hate it and buying the products is the "walk of shame" I started going to a completely different store to get said items because I'd get too antsy buying them were I get my groceries. That part has gotten better since I started going somewhere they don't know me (or at least see me regularly). I keep the plugs in a lozenge bag and stick that in my back pack then take what I need.
I get very dysphoric though. I feel like my chest is bigger, my hips wider and my lips fuller. I even get dysphoric about my gait, I feel like my hips sway more. I've actually used my measuring tape to prove to myself that my chest and hips stay the same size as any other day. But that doesn't help with my face. I've only seen slim lips in the mirror once during that time. It also makes me feel like I need to take a massive dump for the first day, I'm fortunate enough not to cramp, but feeling that all day sucks too. I usually wake up to it and I don't keep track of when it happens. I know the general time frame, but I just try not to think about it. Only time that bit me in the ass was when it happened in the middle of the day at work (shakes head). I'm in my first real relationship nowadays and that time makes being physical awkward (then again I also just don't talk about it, even with her). During and for the following couple days are when love making has made me so dysphoric I've almost cried and couldn't carry on.
I have a fabric tape measure either buy or borrow one. That has helped a lot with my chest dysphoria. The numbers don't lie.

Quote from: assorted_human on June 13, 2013, 09:59:58 PM
I hate it and buying the products is the "walk of shame"

Any time I have to buy something "girl-related" (Hell Week supplies, or sports bras), I just casually mention that my girlfriend's lucky to have me [buy that stuff for her]. I'm gay (but not stereotypical gay--you can't tell) so I obviously don't have a girlfriend, but it makes me feel better to say it's for someone else, even though I know the cashiers don't give a damn who it's for.

The last time I need shark week supplies; I went to Sam's and got a large box of super and regular type which will last a long time I hope. The checker didn't seems to bat an eye when I went through her line.  I hope that I will get on T and willn't need them.

I used to have an absolutely awful dysphoria about my period when it first started, i remember i was 14 (almost 15) years old. It scared the ->-bleeped-<- out of me even though i knew what it was. I couldn't even cry, i felt broken, desperate, depressed, helpless and feeling absolutely terrible about it! It wasn't the physical damage it was making to me, it was the psychological side of it. I felt like i have no future, i will never be a guy, i am stuck in this awful and disgusting body forever! I couldn't understand why the heck i have to go through periods if i will never have children anyway!

I am much older now, i know i will never have children, i hate them and don't wanna go close to them but i still have to go through this piece of ->-bleeped-<- every month (i am pre-T and still have a lot of issues with starting T). But at least i am not that dysphoric about it now. I stopped beig dysphoric about it when i was maybe 17-18 years old. I just don't care about it anymore, it's not like you have to go through it everyday (if i had i would kill myself). 

My major and never ending dysphoria is about my breasts. I hate them, they look awful, they are disgusting and i just wish i could cut them off somehow! but i know i will never cut them off, instead i have to save money  for an expensive surgery (my health insurance won't cover it). They are the thing which i hate the most, because first of all, everybody can see them. They do not belong on my body! this is something girls want to have, not guys!  Second of all, they serve no purpose on my body. Third, they look awful, i look much fatter than i am (and i am very slim, everyone is saying this to me all the time but i know my breasts make me look fatter!). Oooooh, i really want to get rid of them asap!

Periods are awful and I hope you don't have to suffer through many more.

I just want to mention that from what I've read, estrogen is highest in between cycles (during ovulation) and actually a period occurs when one's estrogen is lowest.

Keep your head up! Drink plenty of water and in my experience it helps to avoid eating a lot of salt (which gave me awful cramps).

This is how to handle buying feminine products anxiety like a boss:

http://youtu.be/HmtOjpgUmRE (http://youtu.be/HmtOjpgUmRE)