Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've come to a point now where I'm beginning to have serious concerns about my identity. I am a teenage male. I suppose I'd like to hear from those who have "come out" as being transsexual to understand if I am overreacting, simply confused about being confused, or truly am transsexual.
My earliest memories of any kind of "abnormal" behavior come from a pretty young age. I can remember frequently trying on my mother's high heeled shoes and walking around in them. I can remember asking my mom/looking forward to putting on her clip on earrings; in fact, I remember one specific time when family was around and she went to show them some of her jewelry and I begged her to let me put on her earrings. More vaguely, I recall her picking me up from kindergarten (or maybe first grade) and me asking if I could wear her earrings when we got home. I also vaguely remember instances of her letting me put them on, and saying something like "don't tell your brother or your father", but it's all is pretty vague in my memory. In one other specific instance, I was playing with my older brother when I put a circular key ring on my toe pretending it was a toe ring because it made me feel like a woman. I then began to act like a woman.
As I got older I discovered masturbation. Eventually I began putting on bras as I masturbated; years later I still conduct the same practices. Sometimes I put on a bra and a dress and jewelry and walk around my house and just sit in the female clothes. More often than not it ends with me masturbating. Many times I look forward to dressing like this; I look forward to leaving school and having the house to myself for a time so I can dress in the clothes. However, after I masturbate I no longer desire to wear the bras and dresses. At that point I simply change back into my regular clothes. There have been a few nights where a sleep with an undershirt stuffed with socks as though I have breasts, and I can even recall doing so once or twice at a pretty young age... On the few nights I have stayed home alone overnight, I would plan on sleeping in a bra; however by that time I would masturbate and never end up sleeping with one on.
Because the strength of my urges dies down after masturbating, I wonder if it's all just some fetish... I also feel like I could be somewhere "in between"; I don't necessarily feel "wrong" in my body, but sometimes I desire to be a woman, and sometimes when I dress as one it feels "right". There have only been a handful of times that I can remember when I have had any kind of real "I need to be a woman." moments... Most of the time I feel okay with myself, and other times I simply wish I could be a woman, or fantasize about being one.
My prom was just a little while ago, and while talking to a female friend of mine she for some forgotten reason asked me if I would wear a dress to prom for her. (Like I said, I can't remember why it was asked now/why it would benefit her.. :P) Naturally the question was just theoretical, but it felt good/exciting when I answered "Yes, I would.". And when I saw her at prom, I sort of wished I could be a girl and be wearing her dress, and be as pretty as she is. But at the same time I felt okay and like, not-out-of-place in my tuxedo... So yeah... And as a note, this girl and I go back a long ways, and date on and off, and at one point this year I became so stressed about my identity and questions that I almost told her that I am in fact transsexual.
I may be leaving some stuff out, but I feel this is enough to generally describe my current state. I apologize if it's long winded :/ but any input would be greatly appreciated. Thank you :)
(oh one last thing: I'm not really too "manly" of a man by nature.. You might say I'm a little feminine compared to other boys my age)
thanks again :)

Well, welcome to the forums. You'll definitely want to seek the help of a therapist to see whether it is just a fetish or not.

With testosterone coursing through the veins, I believe that any positive thought can become a sexual fantasy to some degree. When I hear people say "well if you fantasize about being the opposite gender it's just a fetish you're not transgender" it seems a little bit gatekeeper-ish to me. Everyone is different and ultimately it's up to you to figure it out- not anybody else.

A gender related therapist will help you a lot, I think.

Also, have a read through this article. It's a little on the lengthy side but it might help you determine where you stack up! :)
http://web.uvic.ca/~ahdevor/14StagesBLOCK.pdf (http://web.uvic.ca/~ahdevor/14StagesBLOCK.pdf)

And once again welcome to the forums :D

Hi and welcome.

I think so many of us can identify with your comments.

As Jenny said the step you need to consider is to talk to a therapist and decide how you want to proceed.

One thing many of us know, these feeling never go away. You deal with them properly or they will eventually destroy you.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are totally normal, you are not crazy and you can live a normal life full of joy and happiness.

And now you have all of us to talk to and we know exactly what you are going through.

Hugs

Cindy

Hi mwandishi,
Long posts are my specialty :)
First of all congrats on joining! I think it is important to look into this aspect of yourself and not be afraid of it (I was).
I agree with Jenny that you should see a health professional of some sort to help sort things through with yourself, if you have a trustworthy GP or family Doctor they would be a good start or alternatively look online and see if there is a gender clinic in your area that you could talk to.
If you read through the forums you will see that a lot of people have very similar stories but at the same time everyone is unique. It took me a long time to "self-discover" that yes, I am trans* and then after that I figured out that I am also transsexual. Again, the more you read and learn about all things trans* you will learn that there are binary and non-binary trans people, androgynes, literally a whole spectrum of where everyone fits and no two people are the same.
Some people know from a young age that they are "different" or have other trans* interests, others don't figure it out until they're older. Some people like me have massive self-denial for years, others are very self-accepting and run with it from day 1 (fyi, I am no longer in denial :) I know who I am and am working towards transitioning).
Again talking about different degrees, some people feel the need to transition from male to female, female to male, others are happy to stay as the are or as you said be a little more feminine than other boys your own age.
I am sorry to hit you with a whole bunch of info like this but I hope that some of it has been helpful :)
I guess the take home message is your doing well by being here! (again, it took me years), keep an open mind about things (just because you think you are say, transsexual, that you need to transition, not need to transition, have surgery, not have surgery etc. etc.) and also to speak with a professional who can help you figure things out for yourself.
Oh, one final thing, good luck!
Kind regards,

Cynths

Hello!

Welcome to the forums.

Definitely talk to a gender therapist this has helped me a lot. I once thought I was just androgynous, but I began to feel the pressure of being super uncomfortable in this "in-between" type of state. I also thought maybe it was a fetish.

But then I came across a good quote by an older trans person who said "If you have to wonder if you're trans or not, chances are you are because most people don't wonder about their gender." And that to me pretty much ignited the search for myself, and since then and now being on hormones I can't even remember too much what it's like to be a "guy".

Best of luck and keep on searching. Honestly my only regret is not starting hormones earlier :)

Wanting to put on female clothing at an early age is something a lot of males (without gender identity issues) go through. You're also not incorrect in thinking that it might be a fetish for you to wear women's clothing and masturbate in them or feel a sexual motivation to do so; this happens for a lot of happily identified males, too.

You could also have a gender identity struggle, though. The others in this thread are giving you good advice in that you should see a gender therapist. I think a lot of people improperly dismiss their gender identity simply because they have a fetish. There are a lot of women who LOVE to feel feminine in order to stimulate their sexuality, and what you're experiencing could simply be an extension of that.

I think the best thing you could do for yourself is to closely examine the differences between being male and female -- physically and socially. Which one appeals more to you? Does it appeal much more distinctly than the alternative? Do you feel like you would have any doubts by being in one role? These questions generally take a long time to research and answer, but it's the road you have to get on to begin understanding yourself. Try not to trivialize the questions you ask, either; e.g. "would I be happy to wear dresses for purely social reasons?" is not so deep a question as "would I feel comfortable and proper in women's spaces?" -- not that you have to be in women's spaces as a woman, but it's important to consider a typical woman's exposure in life.

Whatever it is you happen to go through, good luck. I wish you the best.

I'm probably about twice your age (35), but your story sounds very much like mine. I've tried for years to not to come out and transition. I've finally started to see a therapist. I think that seriously is the best way to describe it, I've been choosing not come out and transition. Knowing what I know now I'd make a different choice at your age. All that stated maybe your not trans. Either way you're most likely in for some tough times mentally
Good Luck and be Well.

I'm very similar to lisadear. I'm 35 now and I had convinced myself that change was not possible. I was wrong and I am on the road to transitioning now.

I wore my mothers clothes growing up but never asking for it as brazeningly as you did. I mastubated in drag and out of drag. I wore the the clothes and did not have any sexual feelings often as well. And yes that feeling of the need to change did subside after release but it always came back.

It's obvious that this is an issue for you and as the others have said get help from a professional. You need a little guidance in that soul searching to sort those feelings out. But if you are transgender then now is the best time for you. Before testosterone takes long term effects and life progresses to a level where transition becomes more difficult as it is for a lot of us.

First off I would like to congratulate you on joining the forum! To get to the meat of this I agree with everyone else andsuggest you see a gender therapist. I for one was ssimilar in that wearing women's clothes turned me on and made me feel sexy. Its perfectly natural, the question you have to think to yourself how would you feel comfortable as? A man, a woman, both, neither or even something else. Take time and give it some deep thought and again talk it over with a gender therapist!

I can only what people have already said. I too spent many years associating my gender issues with sexuality and masturbation. See a therapist and try to abstain from sex so you can separate the two. I like to remember that i had these feelings in very early childhood before i knew what sex was. X

Hey everybody! I've been coming to this page basically every night since I've posted it, and I just want to give you all a huge thanks. All your responses have made me feel much more confident and "okay" with myself, and knowing there are people who can be so supporting has really inspired me. In fact, since posting I have told my girlfriend about everything. I've also been thinking about all the suggestions to see a gender therapist... So I think I'm going to sit on my feelings for a week or two and then maybe talk to my parents and see if we can set something up with a professional. Again, thank you all so much!

Hi there. It was the same with me and I grew up in a society that had difficulties accepting gays - tg were just too far out there.  I just assumed it was a fettish and that all men had these fantasies. But after years and dreaming each night of being a female I realized that I should consult a theripist. That in itself was not possible in my city and so I went on line looking for someone. I did find two that were very good and I talked with them over a two year period. I finally decided with their encouragement to start my HRT. I do recommend a theripist and help from this forum.

So I've been researching therapists in my area for the past few nights, and looking at these prices per session... Yeesh :O I'm not sure my family will be able to afford this, and I myself don't have a job. Should I still tell my parents about my feelings even if we won't be able to afford to talk to a psychiatrist? I feel like they'll be pretty supportive, so I'm not too worried about that... But I'm sure it may hurt or scare them as a parent. I'm more so afraid of telling them now and then growing out of my concerns in some amount of time, or regretting them knowing... But I must admit, I've been looking up some dresses and jewelry I would want to get if they allowed me to be more open/try being more open, and it's gotten me kind of hopeful and excited... Like I said, I do believe they'd be supportive and would allow it so that I may better learn who I am, and what I'm comfortable being... But so yeah... Do you think I should talk to them even with no hope of seeing a therapist? Or should I just hold off for now and give it some more time? Please pardon my teenage nature and fickleness :/

My first question is, are you covered by some sort of insurance?  Most plans cover some degree of therapy, even if there is a transsexual exclusion for hormones and surgeries.

Second, I am going to send you a link in a PM.

I believe we are covered by insurance... You say it may cover some of the therapy costs?

Yes.  For instance, I have an Anthem Blue Cross PPO.  Part of the benefit is that I can have 26 yearly sessions (therapy, counseling, psychiatry) with a co-pay of $20 per visit.  Without insurance, it would be more like $150 per visit.

You can find out what's covered.  No parent would deny their child counseling.

Hi sorry to come in so late to the discussion. First thing ill recommend since your worried about the cost look into county ran programs. I go to one and am reviving free counseling and psychiatry services. Secondly i would recommend you go to the link i posted at the bottom of this post. While this "test" isn't an immediate end to your problems, and could lead to more because of what you can learn about yourself, taking the results to your therapist will also help them better understand how your feeling in case your like i was at your age and had a hard time putting it into words. No matter what you decide tho, i don't suggest waiting to make a move on things. I'm almost 30 now and HIGHLY regret not being honest with myself about my gender identity and really wish i had transitioned when i was 18 or 19.

Any way, welcome and i hope we all can help.

Kari.

http://www.hemingways.org/GIDinfo/sage/ (http://www.hemingways.org/GIDinfo/sage/)

Oh wow, that's really good to hear. Thank you for the info Jamie!
And thanks for the link Kari. I just took the test and it was very very similar to one I've already taken (the cogiati I believe it was called...). Also, I think I'll look into seeing if we have any county ran programs in my area. I haven't heard of anything like it, but hey, I also haven't looked!

Quote from: mwandishi on June 20, 2013, 09:15:31 PM
Oh wow, that's really good to hear. Thank you for the info Jamie!
And thanks for the link Kari. I just took the test and it was very very similar to one I've already taken (the cogiati I believe it was called...). Also, I think I'll look into seeing if we have any county ran programs in my area. I haven't heard of anything like it, but hey, I also haven't looked!

Do a google search for "free counseling in (your county and state)" that's how i found mine. If you do find multiples call them both to make sure you qualify for there services because some places only take more severe cases like bipolar, schizophrenia etc and will end up referring you to another agency after an evaluation.

I used to be exactly the same way, as in masturbating with girl clothes on then taking them off right away. That behavior stopped after i started estradiol.

I did some searches but couldn't really find anything... At least anything that seemed to deal with transgender issues :/
And @Hideyoshi, I've actually begun to refrain from doing so when I crossdress.. At first it kind of took some restraining, but the past few times have been easier; I actually feel really good and free not doing so, and I don't really find myself "trying" to stop myself from masturbating as much.