Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So, sometimes when I've told people...they say things like, "well, it's your choice..."  Now, I feel like that's a fine excuse for devout American christians in the bible belt (no offense to those here, but I hope you know what I mean...) since to a lot of them (it seems) think it's a choice to be gay (totally not a choice) but not for those who know better. So I take it as they think it's a choice to change genders. In a way yes. I can choose to not change, but I feel the choice is more along the lines of "be depressed for the rest of my life" or " try to strive to be as happy as I can be for the rest of my life." I chose the latter. In that sense, choice works...kind of since I think anyone in their right mind would choose to be happy over depressed any day. I didn't CHOOSE to be born wrongly, nor do I CHOOSE to want to be discriminated and fear for part of my life (during this in-between stage). 

It just rubs me the wrong way. To anyone else?

Early on I did get the "well it's up to you"... "it's your decision"... "it's your choice"... response from a few people. And it did really pain me in some instances (depending on my relationship to the person in question and how close I was to them) that they couldn't grasp the idea that it is not a choice... it's not like deciding to have a ham sandwich for lunch instead of turkey... or deciding to get up early instead of sleeping in late.... it doesn't work that way. It struck me as a cold and uncaring response at the time as well. But, yes... I did get that response from a few people. Some of which, now years later, I have been able to get thru to and truly educate them on the difference... but a few were a lost cause from the start. Trying to explain and educate a cis-person on the difference can be quite challenging.

Hi Smile,

I'v noticed the same thing from time to time when I am telling somebody. Usually it's along the line of, "when did that happen" as if I had caught a disease or made a choice. I usually explain it to them that it is like being born left handed, you don't choose or catch left handedness, you just are and nobody knows why.

I also say sometimes that transitioning is a pain in the backside BUT it is preferable to the alternative. That really confuses them.

Keep spreading the word, people may understand one day.

Jen

smile_jma, I have seen that sort of thinking before.  There are some who proclaim that you should "Love the sinner, but hate the sin."  In other words, it is okay to be gay as long as you don't have gay sex.

Along the same lines, it is okay to be trans, as long as you don't try to change your body, or act in some way not associated with your birth sex.

It is sort of a passive/aggressive approach they use.  Ultimately though, they deny your reality.

I think its hard for people to understand at first but basically just be yourself and anyone that is worth knowing will come around. My life has improved drastically (No longer live with parents moved in with friend/quasi bf) just in the last week so in the end everything works out.

They are a little right. It is your choice to transition. Just like its your choice to eat or starve to death. But remember. In all honesty they just don't understand your situation so take what they say with a grain of salt

My standard answer is "it doesn't really feel like a choice to me." Hard to argue with that, since how do they know what I feel?

So when did they decide to be heterosexual?

I never told anyone, except family, so I never got any of that predicable BS.

For me, there WERE choices. I could chose to be me with a chance to be happy (which meant changing my body) or stay as I was knowing that suicide was an ever-increasing danger. That was another option, just blow my brains out and end the pain.

(In my last year before SRS became possible, I wrote a lengthy and very powerful letter to a radio station on the topic of TS and suicide. It was read, in its entirety, on air, with comments by the announcer was was VERY powerful! I still have a recording and wish I could post it but there are copyright issues. I also don't think it would be very good for those who are deeply depressed today - it was aimed at conveying the pain of being stuck in the wrong body and ya'll know what that is like!)

Quote from: Jamie D on June 12, 2013, 09:24:58 PM
There are some who proclaim that you should "Love the sinner, but hate the sin."  In other words, it is okay to be gay as long as you don't have gay sex.

I always hated being presented that argument in a discussion. It's really just a cop-out though, bigotry masquerading as reasonable open-mindedness.

Yeah, I sort of got this.  When I told my sister she asked if I could just be a feminine gay guy instead.  As though it were an option.  Still she is supportive and is trying to understand it.  I don't think she really comprehends what being trans means.  I think this is the case for most people who aren't trans themselves. 

I rarely come to visit the women folk's forum but this struck a cord with me so had to respond.

I get this all the time from my family and especially so from my mom. I know she means well most of the time but constantly saying that I made the choice to be this way feels like she's having a dig at me. Most recently I was asking if she would be able to watch my dog next year if I decide to go to Florida for chest surgery instead of having it close to home. She loves my dog (more than she loves me...and I'm not exaggerating) so I knew it probably wouldn't be an issue but I needed to know in case I need to also save up money to have my dog at the pet resort for a week if things didn't work out. She said "Of course I will watch Zoe, even though you know I don't like this choice you're making".

I just responded that the only choice I'm making is if she will have an alive son or a dead daughter. She then tells me I'm dramatic. ::)

Quote from: MariaMx on June 13, 2013, 10:34:25 AM
I always hated being presented that argument in a discussion. It's really just a cop-out though, bigotry masquerading as reasonable open-mindedness.

The problem with this is it defines a religious belief as 'bigotry' because said belief says that our beliefs w/r/t gender/sexuality are wrong.
In essence you're arguing that the only acceptable view on this is 'My religious beliefs are wrong because you believe you're X, and I have to accept you and deny my faith/scriptures or I'm a bigot.'

Look - believing that what we do or believe we are is wrong, is not bigotry. And you're not going to make much headway in friendly coexistence if the options you give are 'Join us or go away.'

Sincerely,
Someone with feet in both camps

I would say try not to let it bother you because it's nothing but ignorance and arrogance mixed.

I know exacly what you mean concerning the bible belt and that very attitude doesn't just apply to LGBT issues.

A good response to the "you chose this" argument/comment is what I always reply with.

"I didn't choose to be trans, I chose to live my life in my birth gender but found that it was a choice I couldn't live with so i've now chosen to live instead of the alternative"

If someone tried using the religion arguments on me then i'd point out that after trying to live as a man for almost 40yrs I was ready to kill myself, as most (or all) religions believe suicide is a sin then i'd like the religious person to explain which is the greater sin suicide or being honest about who & what you are?

I clearly made a lot of choices in my life and this one feels right.

I told the therapist last week that HRT was my choice and that I was being selfish for the 1st time. She said you were suicidal when you came to me. So why is it a choice? I told her I chose not to kill myself and to live. Literally, every day I had to choose to live. It took a breakdown to acknowledge who I am and that it is a part of me and I needed to embrace and disclose. I could hide no more, hiding was killing me. 

Now I need to find my emotions.

Thank you all for your responses. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way, and I DO understand in a way it IS  choice I'm making.  (In a way EVERYTHING is a choice to someone, it's partly subjective).

I can understand from the other side as well, since friends of mine have done things I don't agree with...but for something as life changing as this, it would be nice if they didn't say "choice" or something along the lines of "it's your life.." implying choice.  It'd just make them FEEL that they were more accepting, even if they ALREADY are. Needless to say, I don't dwell on it too much, just when I hear them say it the first time, it rubs me. Then I forget they say it because we're still friends and friends talk about other things so my mind wanders...

Changing peoples thoughts/perceptions is one tough task that never seems to work. No matter how hard you try to educate.

I've managed to educate quite a few people by bombarding them with scientific reports about brain layouts in trans people being closer to the gender they are embracing, I then often follow that up by asking them this "what defines a person the body or the brain?" if they say it's the body that defines us then I ask them another question "Do you think of Stephen Hawkins as one of the greatest mind of our generation or just a man in a wheelchair?", this normally makes them rethink their view, the brain defines who & what we are, it controls our body not the other way around.

Really we make many choices in our lives. We can't choose how we are born though. I was born trans others homosexual, others heterosexual, others with undeveloped limbs and so on. I can choose to modify my body though or what I wear and how I present myself.

Just like those that you are talking about, they chose to be unaccepting and bigoted. But I bet they see themselves as completely "normal" and everyone else outside of their circle abnormal.

Even if it is a choice or not, it's up to the individual person as to what makes him/her happy. In the US constitution the persuit of happiness isn't specific on what makes a person happy and the persuit of happiness is supposedly a "God given" right. If that is the case, why do some have the right and others don't?

Me personally, I think when people start throwing around the "choice" thing they are trying to appear open minded and accepting. I've know people that are open minded and accepting that work too hard to prove it and really have nothing but good intentions at heart. And I've seen others that just like the appearance of being accepting but are far from it.