Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm 19 years old and I'm by sex a female... Ever since last fall I've been confused about my gender identity. At first I became rather comfortable with being gender fluid. I've chosen a different name to go by, and everyone (aside from my family, because they've called my by my birth name for so long, the change has been hard, not because they don't want too) have began to call me my chosen name. Some called me female pronouns, some called me male, most of my close friends at college would call me male pronouns. Late November I started dating a girl, and she knew right from the beginning she knew I identified as gender fluid, I told her she could call me female pronouns as she identified as a lesbian, I wanted her to be comfortable.
Sometime around January I began to feel more comfortable with male pronouns and began to identify as tran. My girlfriend called me he pronouns and she has been nothing but supportive of all this. I came out to my mom and the family that I'm close to and they know, and try to support me, but are still confused, which is completely understandable.
Then as of late I've started to think that maybe I'm not trans. I didn't wear my binder one day out in public, and I felt completely comfortable. Which normally I don't. I've began to not wear my binder and wear my boobs out and proud for the past two weeks, and I've felt incredibly comfortable. I'm coming to the conclusion that I don't want to change my body, I'm completely happy with my body. I'm actually coming to really enjoy what my body has to offer, and see it has a very good thing.
I have to big problems.... I love being called by male pronouns, female pronouns are very distasteful to me, for my personal life. And I can easily see me living a life has a man, I can see myself going through transitions, starting T, and getting surgeries and all of those things. I can see myself living life has a man... But I like my body... and I'm not sure if the transition is what I want to do with my body.... I'm confused and just want some advice in figuring all this crazy stuff out.
Thanks in advance.

Hi Idontknowme07  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's  :)  Glad to have you here

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Hugs

V M

I totally feel your pain and confusion trying to deal with male/ female  feelings of physical expression versus what your inner self feels and desires.  I'm very male/masculine  and am ok with it yet strongly desire to be female physically so go figure.

Gender issues really can be a bitch to tackle.  :-(

I understand how you feel very well, since I'm kind of in a similar situation myself. I used to think I was Bigender, then gender-fluid and eventually a trans-guy, but I'm still not sure of who and what I am exactly, because like you, even though I see myself as a guy, feel most comfortable when thought of and talked to as a guy (using male pronouns and my chosen male name) and feel the need to put on a binder, somehow there are times when I feel very comfortable with my female body and don't feel a burning need to hide or lose my breasts. As you may be able to imagine, sometimes all I think about is wanting to get on T and a top surgery, but then other times I think I don't want that and that maybe I can be fine living in my female body, as long as my friends and close family know who I am inside and treat me accordingly, and as long as I present myself masculine on the outside  (at the moment,except for when I'm at work, everyone around me knows and treats me as a man, including my wife, who has been accompanying me in this journey from before I even acknowledged to myself that I don't identify as a woman.)
I started thinking that maybe I'm Genderqueer but the problem with that thought is that people I know, who are Genderqueer, usually see themselves as both man and woman or not really either one, and I, on the other hand, always see myself as a man...even at times when I feel comfortable with my female body. So I still identify as a trans-guy and just trying to work out with myself what path I would like to take- transition or no transition.
I wish you luck in finding your own path and just keep in mind- all that matters is that you're happy. You don't have to transition if you don't feel the need to and can be happy with your body as it is.