Susan's Place Transgender Resources

ok well my friend wanted me to become friends with another transgender because I have more style than her and she wanted me to help her out with cloths. so I started talking to her. Shes not on hormones yet and she also still dresses as a boy most of the time but this is besides the point of why I made this thread. Its been about 5 months since we started talking and she constantly calls me beautiful and well today she told me she likes me and I told her that im not a lesbian and she said she would stop transitioning to be wit me if that's what she had to do. I don't want to date her I mean shes really hot as a guy but I don't want to be in a lesbian relationship and I don't want to force her to stop transitioning,  I told her this but she keeps on and keeps on and its really getting on my nerves so any advice of what I can say to her without being mean.

Having an admirer is a nice compliment, but an overbearing,on the verge of dangerous, can't take "no thanks" for an answer person can really be a buzz kill!

  Be careful and I hope you can gracefully get your point across

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on June 19, 2013, 01:28:46 AM
she said she would stop transitioning to be wit me if that's what she had to do.

This to me is a huge red flag. 

My suggestion is to stand your ground and say your not interested and if they continue to stop hanging out with them.

I do agree with Michelle.  I can see this situation get dangerous if it continues so please be careful.  Tell the person you're seeing someone else as the "truth" if you have to.

Hi,

This is about ....Ill do this ...because...

advice tell this person its time to seperate from each other, the codependicy detail is what will happen & itll get worse then Emotional blackmalil will come into it, & it sounds like it is now,

You have your life to live, & its time you see this, its better now to say.....NO.....  no more its over, you dont need a friendship thats built on . the , ill do this.... its all about blackmail. see through it before you get sucked in.

I know too many cases like this, plus other detail . it never ends well. trust me. i work with too many people with issues & some very similar.

Dont allow the sob story or what ever is said to catch you off gaurd, even if its said ill take my life if you dont stay with me or be my freiend.....


...noeleena.,..

Kia Ora,

::) Find yourself a steady boyfriend...problem solved...

Metta Zenda :)

OMG gurl, if I were you, I would not be as kind... that is kind of subversive, I would think. Especially if that person will stop just for you...

It either means that this person is lying; or that she is still insecure about her own gender identity. It's soooo not worth it! I would tell him that I'm straight and I prefer being with a guy who is comfortable with being a guy, end of story!

Sounds like a real bunny boiler in the making.Don't go there please

Giving up something that's really important to someone for "love" is a very bad road. I know people that do it and they always end up resentful towards the person they're with, like them making the choice to give it up was a result of the other person forcing them to do it.

On the other hand, they may not even be trans. It may be a manipulation technique or they may believe they're trans and not be. They may just be latching on to whoever makes them feel like they fit in. I don't know if they are or aren't, but when someone is willing to give up something that important for the possibility of "love", it raises a huge red flag to me.

Either way is a bad situation. I'd personally walk away, maybe with a little pep to my step. There are plenty of other people in this world that can help them out with their transition if they really do need it.

*Pokes head in quickly*

I agree with Emily Elizabeth. I may be a pessimistic bastard, but love is usually not forever. A transition is. Giving up your own gender identity to just be with someone for a little while is crazy. No one should have to do that. When you guys break up, she will end up very unhappy because she's still in boy mode for something that passed. Try to explain this to her. Is she seeing a therapist already? If not, she should really start. Wanting to give up your gender identity to be with someone doesn't sound fully trans to me. Maybe genderfluid? In any case, it sounds like she could use a therapist to figure out her feelings.

*crawls back into lair*

 If a person is really trans, they would either be unable to stop or would live to regret it very much. Her feelings toward you are probably a lot stronger than your own to her, probably because she is unused to having helpful, caring, and attractive friends. It's important to be understanding of her position, and to emphasize that her happiness comes first - and she will be happier by transitioning and finding someone who loves her as a woman.

She may be too irrational to accept that at first, but in time she will realize that it is the best course of action - if she decides she wants to transition, anyway.

Yeah I agree. When people can't accept no it normally means its time to cut the cord...

I agree everybody here that you need to take time away from them and continue saying "no".  It won't be easy for either of you, but it does seem like the best way to do things so the other person can get over you.

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on June 19, 2013, 01:28:46 AM
ok well my friend wanted me to become friends with another transgender because I have more style than her and she wanted me to help her out with cloths. so I started talking to her. Shes not on hormones yet and she also still dresses as a boy most of the time but this is besides the point of why I made this thread. Its been about 5 months since we started talking and she constantly calls me beautiful and well today she told me she likes me and I told her that im not a lesbian and she said she would stop transitioning to be wit me if that's what she had to do. I don't want to date her I mean shes really hot as a guy but I don't want to be in a lesbian relationship and I don't want to force her to stop transitioning,  I told her this but she keeps on and keeps on and its really getting on my nerves so any advice of what I can say to her without being mean.

What a pickle. On one hand you have the hots for him as he currently is. On the other hand, stopping transition for someone (if any has even begun?) for someone is kinda odd. Either he is confused or unsure about his gender identity or it's genuine and you are really so very special to him that SHE would rather not transition if it allowed her to be with you. My advice to you is to give it some time and be open and communicate with this person. Try to find out which it REALLY is. But hey: If you like each other and are both comfortable with it, why not give it a shot? You might find out that you both comfortable with and develop a lifetime relationship it or it might not work out and get her to resume transition or get him to accept his assigned gender.

PS, sorry about the he/she him/her verbiage everyone. I know it's a touchy thing here but the person in question does not seem sure of their gender identity and it really could go either way for them at this point.  :)

I gotta agree with everyone else, time to cut the cord, if you have to change your number, lie that you have a really big beefy amateur MMA fighter boyfriend....funny thing i just saw a repeat of HIMYM (how i met your mother) where they were talking about people with "the crazy eyes" and it sounds like this person has them bad. If all else fails....fall back to one of my old favorites....too close for photon torpedoes, switching to phasers.

^^ yup. All of that. Too many people to quote.

While I agree that it's weird someone would give up their transition to be with someone, it seems like this is common. How many married folks here hoped that their spouse would help them get over their issues and they would find happiness in some other way without transitioning?  How many gave up on their personal desires just so they could be with the one they love?  I think there is quite a lot.  Therefore, I can't say it's too odd for someone to do something for the sake of love.  It should be a red flag, but I don't think it's as big of a deal as other's here think it is. 

What is problematic is that this person doesn't understand the word no.  If they can't accept that, than it's time to move on or at least take a break.  It doesn't mean you have to say bye forever, but this person may need some space to overcome their feelings.  Good Luck with everything. 

Quote from: learningtolive on June 21, 2013, 12:35:43 PM
How many gave up on their personal desires just so they could be with the one they love?  I think there is quite a lot.  Therefore, I can't say it's too odd for someone to do something for the sake of love.  It should be a red flag, but I don't think it's as big of a deal as other's here think it is. 

What is problematic is that this person doesn't understand the word no.  If they can't accept that, than it's time to move on or at least take a break.  It doesn't mean you have to say bye forever, but this person may need some space to overcome their feelings.  Good Luck with everything.

Thank you! I was looking for a way to say this without sounding like a _____ but I couldn't find one lol I put off transitioning for so long because of my ex and tried to "man up" or "de trans" for lack of a better term (man up prob isn't the best). Right now is the first actual time I can honestly say to myself that I still wouldn't give it up just for her. But that is due to a large part in being in this thing with this guy lol

I don't think any of this is weird or takes away from my "trans ness." The world is a much different place then it was even a decade ago and yes I know I could have transitioned when I was 21 or so in 2004 but I certainly wasn't as accepting as it is now. Not that society is very accepting today.

However, reading the OP's story and the context it does seem off in this situation. I mean the subject has only known the OP for what a month or two? Not very long. Not long enough to give up something as big as this. So I see the other side too.

But as always LTL so insightful and wise.

I hope your coming out went well. You should tell us how it went. Don't want to hijack this thread though. Tangent over.

Quote from: learningtolive on June 21, 2013, 12:35:43 PM
While I agree that it's weird someone would give up their transition to be with someone, it seems like this is common. How many married folks here hoped that their spouse would help them get over their issues and they would find happiness in some other way without transitioning?  How many gave up on their personal desires just so they could be with the one they love?  I think there is quite a lot.  Therefore, I can't say it's too odd for someone to do something for the sake of love.  It should be a red flag, but I don't think it's as big of a deal as other's here think it is. 

What is problematic is that this person doesn't understand the word no.  If they can't accept that, than it's time to move on or at least take a break.  It doesn't mean you have to say bye forever, but this person may need some space to overcome their feelings.  Good Luck with everything.

Yep  yep yep!!!

To the OP ..  don't get caught up on lesbian, straight, gay, bi.  Emotional bonds transend the anatomical aspect .. Not that physical attraction won't get you hot and bothered.   Remember that not all transition to post op..   You may find ..  Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't  ;)  and being with someone that plays on both sides of the fence can be quite ....exciting, enriching, and compleatly fulfilling. You will have much more in common then a normal M-F relationship.  Your correct in that the 'clinginess' needs to be delt with first..  if it can..  it may be an E ticket ride for both of you.   :)   I wish you luck!

Quote from: learningtolive on June 21, 2013, 12:35:43 PM
While I agree that it's weird someone would give up their transition to be with someone, it seems like this is common. How many married folks here hoped that their spouse would help them get over their issues and they would find happiness in some other way without transitioning?  How many gave up on their personal desires just so they could be with the one they love?  I think there is quite a lot.  Therefore, I can't say it's too odd for someone to do something for the sake of love.  It should be a red flag, but I don't think it's as big of a deal as other's here think it is. 

Yep. There are plenty of people on this board who tried this very thing only to end up transitioning with a spouse, kids, and a dog.

Just tell her you are not attracted in that way to her as a guy or girl and would just rather be friends. If it get weird then sever the friendship.

Give 'em my number! lol