Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: Mattie on June 08, 2007, 12:16:19 AM Return to Full Version
Title: Coming to Terms
Post by: Mattie on June 08, 2007, 12:16:19 AM
Post by: Mattie on June 08, 2007, 12:16:19 AM
I've been noticing things and I have to wonder why I'm having so much trouble accepting it all.
I feel like I'm living in a war zone. There are people shooting at each other and mines litter the ground. Yet it is all familiar territory to me. I know every inch of it...it is my war zone, I'm used to living here. And yet I could be living in a place free of all that in a town with tree lined cobblestone roads. Where the people are friendly and their gardens are beautiful. As peaceful as it would be to live there, it is unfamiliar to me. I would have to learn my way around again, and get to know all the people.
So why am I trying to convince myself that living where I am now is good? Its all I know and from what I can tell, it wasn't always in its constant state of upheaval. At one point the town was deserted. I tried to shut everything out and not feel anything at all. Yet all my fortifications had to come down at some point and now this violence persists. I could leave the war zone and yet I find myself unable to part with it.
Am I waiting for the fighting to die down? I don't know if it will but for some reason I cling desperately to the hope that I can accept the war torn town in which I live.
I often find myself jealous of people who can live at peace within the walls of their hometown.
But doesn't my unwillingness to depart from my town mean somehow that maybe I don't belong in the place of peace, for if I did I would surely want to go.
But that would mean starting a new life in a new place and perhaps I lack the courage to leave.
I feel like I'm living in a war zone. There are people shooting at each other and mines litter the ground. Yet it is all familiar territory to me. I know every inch of it...it is my war zone, I'm used to living here. And yet I could be living in a place free of all that in a town with tree lined cobblestone roads. Where the people are friendly and their gardens are beautiful. As peaceful as it would be to live there, it is unfamiliar to me. I would have to learn my way around again, and get to know all the people.
So why am I trying to convince myself that living where I am now is good? Its all I know and from what I can tell, it wasn't always in its constant state of upheaval. At one point the town was deserted. I tried to shut everything out and not feel anything at all. Yet all my fortifications had to come down at some point and now this violence persists. I could leave the war zone and yet I find myself unable to part with it.
Am I waiting for the fighting to die down? I don't know if it will but for some reason I cling desperately to the hope that I can accept the war torn town in which I live.
I often find myself jealous of people who can live at peace within the walls of their hometown.
But doesn't my unwillingness to depart from my town mean somehow that maybe I don't belong in the place of peace, for if I did I would surely want to go.
But that would mean starting a new life in a new place and perhaps I lack the courage to leave.
Title: Re: Coming to Terms
Post by: Lori on June 08, 2007, 07:22:29 AM
Post by: Lori on June 08, 2007, 07:22:29 AM
When all else fails, step on one of the mines and see what's on the other side. That is what I did, I ended the battle. I may start another in the future, but that particular battle is over. I will live to fight another day. Pick and choose your battles. You will lose some and win some, but the idea is to win the war. Sometimes you have to take a step back to move forward because the fighting will never die down. Regroup and try a flanking attack and catch them by surprise, or blow your a$$ up and respawn and try again.
Title: Re: Coming to Terms
Post by: Renae.Lupini on June 08, 2007, 12:59:28 PM
Post by: Renae.Lupini on June 08, 2007, 12:59:28 PM
letting go of the unfamiliar is a very daunting task for anyone regardless of their situation. Nobody is ready to go to the realm of the unknown with a hunch that it might be better for them. Realizing that where you are is not the healthiest of situations is definitely a step forward. We don't lose our fears as we go along either. We learn how to react and adapt to them differently.
You re on the right path though. Things are going to work out well for you :)
You re on the right path though. Things are going to work out well for you :)
Title: Re: Coming to Terms
Post by: HelenW on June 08, 2007, 08:28:55 PM
Post by: HelenW on June 08, 2007, 08:28:55 PM
Start towards the edge of town. Stop. look around. If everything seems ok, walk a few yards. Repeat.
It takes longer to get there but if your eyes are open you'll see the traps and be able to avoid them.
The comfort of the known, even if it's an unpleasantness, is a seductive trap and ultimately it is fatal.
hugs & smiles
helen
It takes longer to get there but if your eyes are open you'll see the traps and be able to avoid them.
The comfort of the known, even if it's an unpleasantness, is a seductive trap and ultimately it is fatal.
hugs & smiles
helen